Broke up with my boyfriend in moment of madness and now unable to contact him - how d

leggo

Yeah if you react to something badly, you're ultimately responsible for your actions (I'm all for taking accountability), but at the same time it's a reaction to an action caused by someone else and that's totally out of your control. I don't think labelling the OP the 'common denominator' in her bad experiences is applicable or helpful here, personally, because what can she do to correct this? Not go for guys who are hung up on their exes? Come on, that's hardly something people put in their Tinder bio and, by the time you learn it, you're likely already invested and switch to trying to manage the situation.

She's done nothing wrong. There are some small things she could've done better with perfect hindsight, but she was put in a corner by this guy's actions, but she brought a situation to a head and learned a lot through it. In doing so, and in time, she'll be happier it went that way because she likely saved herself a lot of hassle in going along with a situation she was unhappy with.

Passtheremote

I think he's a prick. It's no wonder you were placed off balance by this guy and the eventual blow up was inevitable.

To harp on about an ex, to bring up sex with the ex, meetings, and the "we're only friends" chestnut, I think had you stayed with him you would have been completely broken by him, he found a weak spot and he emotionally manipulated you. When you fall for someone it happens since you make ypurself vulnerable, but the lesson here is never lose yourself in the same way again. Yes fall in love, but don't let yourself lose your own mind, what feels right, what's wrong! Basically love yourself and trust your feelings.

It's over, maybe you'd feel better off had you been the final dumper and not tried to go back there, but cut your losses, he's no good and not a gentleman.

rain hat

Guessed wrote: »

The breakup may have been handled badly, rashly, but to be honest it's not without reason. He is clearly not over his ex and not at all ready for being in another relationship. Meeting up "as friends" is nonsense, he knows it hurts you and if he valued you and your feelings, he'd stop. He's meeting her hoping to rekindle something or hoping she tries to, she's on his mind, he wants something from those meetings and it's not friendship.

To be brutally honest with you, his reaction of saying he could never be friends with the person he loves is nonsense in that context and he is probably relieved, you've saved him breaking up with you.

As bad as you feel today, this breakup is a good thing, he didn't value you. Tough out the next few days and it will start to get better.

Guessed
You do not know anything for certain. To write that what he said is nonsense is complete speculation. You could really hurt that girl to say that he is relieved or state intentions of a complete stranger is absolutely senseless. The truth is she has to ask Him and do Not Guess another's thoughts. Ask him straight out.

rain hat

Neyite wrote: »

You've recognised that you are the common denominator here - that's really good. Now you just have to unpick why you are picking the guys that you do. I'd suggest a bit of counselling to help there. It can help immensely.

Law Lady
Act different to how you feel.
Do CBT -reframe the situation.
I'd put money on him orchestrating the fight...smoke and mirrors he didn't want to take the next step.
It doesn't matter . Look see him as a loser remember all the loser things he said and did.
Next Meditation Self Compassion
Next just to piss him off get in touch with his ex and get revenge...😂Just an idea.
This wasn't love. He's a Cock. I'm literally on the end of similar thing.. took Six months to get over. We all know this isn't how relationships go. The guy is interested he wouldn't do this ****.
I love myself so that's why I'm over it. See yourself with kids eugh the guy would cheat for sure. Lucky Escape Here 😊

Emme

rain hat wrote: »

Law Lady
Act different to how you feel.
Do CBT -reframe the situation.
I'd put money on him orchestrating the fight...smoke and mirrors he didn't want to take the next step.
It doesn't matter . Look see him as a loser remember all the loser things he said and did.
Next Meditation Self Compassion
Next just to piss him off get in touch with his ex and get revenge...😂Just an idea.
This wasn't love. He's a Cock. I'm literally on the end of similar thing.. took Six months to get over. We all know this isn't how relationships go. The guy is interested he wouldn't do this ****.
I love myself so that's why I'm over it. See yourself with kids eugh the guy would cheat for sure. Lucky Escape Here 😊

This is the worst advice I have seen on this thread! :eek: You are advising the OP to stalk the guy's ex to piss him off! That advice is a contradiction of what you said in the previous post refuting the poster who said he was probably still in love with his ex. It's obvious that he isn't over his ex and he has treated the OP as second best all along.

If she followed the disastrous advice to get in touch with his ex it could land her in trouble with the Gardai and even in court!

I would advise the OP to walk away from this and don't look back. No contact with him and certainly not his ex and get on with her own life. Living well is the best revenge.

smelly sock

Smelly socks tuppence.

I'm married and would never dream of talking about other women let alone my ex. It's a total lack of respect. You done the right thing.

Yellow pack crisps

Once you get over the shock you will probably see things more clearly! Being in a relationship really can come down to devotion, I don't mean complete devotion but the least you should expect is loyalty and the other person caring about you enough to listen to you and your worries and work them out collectively.

You had valid issues and someone who valued you would have not let it get to the stage where you took a meltdown over it. Even his response of giving you hope but making you sweat it out is marking him out as a poor and not a caring partner.

Take time out and work out your real feelings. Trust me it's better to be alone and happy than part of a constant train wreck that will slowly erode who you are.

bucketybuck

As far as I can see the boyfriend hasn't done a pile wrong except have a friend who is also an ex, and finally get fed up with an insecure girlfriend who can't handle that fact.

Multiple people blaming him and claiming that he is hung up on an ex when the words in the OP don't demonstrate that at all. The only one hung up on the ex is the OP, I'm not at all surprised if the lad has has enough, because who needs that drama.

Think about this entire situation in this context, that the words your boyfriend told you were true and that he genuinely does not have any feelings for the ex. Now think about your actions. You dumped him remember, you think he should get over that easily? No chance.

If that Lad came on here telling his side of the story and asking if he should move in with this girl, posters on here would tell him to run a mile.

retro:electro

bucketybuck wrote: »

As far as I can see the boyfriend hasn't done a pile wrong except have a friend who is also an ex, and finally get fed up with an insecure girlfriend who can't handle that fact.

Multiple people blaming him and claiming that he is hung up on an ex when the words in the OP don't demonstrate that at all. The only one hung up on the ex is the OP, I'm not at all surprised if the lad has has enough, because who needs that drama.

Think about this entire situation in this context, that the words your boyfriend told you were true and that he genuinely does not have any feelings for the ex. Now think about your actions. You dumped him remember, you think he should get over that easily? No chance.

If that Lad came on here telling his side of the story and asking if he should move in with this girl, posters on here would tell him to run a mile.

Can you blame her for being insecure when he repeatedly refers to their sex life?! Who does that!

bucketybuck

anna080 wrote: »

Can you blame her for being insecure when he repeatedly refers to their sex life?! Who does that!

Repeatedly?

even mentioning their sex life a few times (not in a crude way, more without thinking)

A few times. Goddamn him!!!

Everybody has history, it's not a crime to mention it now and then, especially since the details of what he "mentioned" could be incredibly blase for all we know.

retro:electro

bucketybuck wrote: »

Repeatedly?



A few times. Goddamn him!!!

Everybody has history, it's not a crime to mention it now and then, especially since the details of what he "mentioned" could be incredibly blase for all we know.

Ah stop. Once maybe as a slip up. It's totally inappropriate to talk about your sex life with an ex partner, let alone an ex who you're still in touch with and meet up with on occasion. She has repeatedly asked him to stop mentioning her to him- but he still does it. Op has done what she can to avoid feeling this way, and has asked him to not bring her up- but he does, the question is, why? I don't blame her one bit for being paranoid.

Emme

bucketybuck wrote: »

If that Lad came on here telling his side of the story and asking if he should move in with this girl, posters on here would tell him to run a mile.

if a lad came on complaining that his girlfriend was always talking her ex boyfriend Richard who looked like Justin Trudeau and that they sometimes met up because they were friends. Imagine if she often mentioned in the bedroom how Richard was HUGE and the things he could do because of that. If this lad was saying all this talk about Richard was making him wilt away what advice would you give him?

bucketybuck

Emme wrote: »

his girlfriend was always talking her ex boyfriend

Always? You too?

There is no need for the hyperbole, you have no idea whatsoever what he actually said those few times.

Emme

bucketybuck wrote: »

Always? You too?

There is no need for the hyperbole, you have no idea whatsoever what he actually said those few times.

Would you happen to BE the ex-boyfriend by any chance?

bucketybuck

Emme wrote: »

Would you happen to BE the ex-boyfriend by any chance?

:rolleyes:

Emme

bucketybuck wrote: »

:rolleyes:

Is that a yes?

njs030

Emme wrote: »

if a lad came on complaining that his girlfriend was always talking her ex boyfriend Richard who looked like Justin Trudeau and that they sometimes met up because they were friends. Imagine if she often mentioned in the bedroom how Richard was HUGE and the things he could do because of that. If this lad was saying all this talk about Richard was making him wilt away what advice would you give him?

The op hasnt said exactly what her ex boyfriend had said about his ex, all I can see is your imagination running wild.

Jealous people do tend to jump to conclusions so while he might have said something innocent she may have blown it out of proportion.

Asking what advice would be given in a totally different hypothetical situation is completely off topic.

Tokyo

Mod:

bucketybuck, Emme - the off-topic sniping ends here. Please post towards the OP's issue, or not at all.

pilly

law_lady wrote: »

I have my answer. He emailed me again today saying he needs more time to think. He also told me not to contact him with apologies or explanations. He said, and I quote, "Don't be pathetic and don't do any harm to yourself if that's what you were alluding to in your last email". I alluded no such thing but it sums up his dim view of me.

It's really hard to let go of the one you thought you'd have a family with. But I feel eerily calm. If he loved me, he wouldn't think I was pathetic would he? I need to end it.

Really harsh email OP. You have to get back your self respect here. Do not reply, do not contact him and try to move on.

If he eventually comes running back do not let him take the moral high ground, it's a power play.

Vela

Okay, here's how I see it:

1. There's no reason why a guy shouldn't be friends with an ex. My best friend is an ex and if anyone I was dating had a problem with that, I would have a massive problem with their insecurity/lack of trust.
2. Your ex/boyfriend shouldn't be talking to you in this way. It's condescending, cruel, and disrespectful. If that's a regular thing, I wouldn't be putting him on the pedestal you have him on re: getting him back.
3. It's clear that you're lacking in confidence, and you did have a part to play in this with the way you've behaved, but if he's talking about his previous sex life then he's crossed a line.

It's going to be hard as hell not to contact him, but I don't think you should. You just don't seem like two people who make each other happy. And if you don't, what's the point?

professore

I think he just got out of one crazy relationship and from his perspective jumped right into another. That's why he was harsh in the email I suspect - his last relationship or maybe some previous one the girl wouldn't take a polite no for an answer. Or maybe he's just an ass. I am inclined to think the latter. Either way you should move on. Relationships are not meant to be high drama despite what Hollywood might have you believe.

I don't think that he's that into you or he wouldn't be talking about his ex when it clearly upsets you, and it's nothing to him.

I also think he's genuinely still into her, otherwise he wouldn't give her a mention. The only time i talk to my wife about a crazy ex is to tell some funny story about her, but that would be maybe once in 5 years. Certainly don't want to meet her ever!!!!

Augme

Sono wrote: »

If my missus knew I met up with my ex I'm pretty sure she would tell me where to go and she would be completely within her rights to do so. If you do get back together OP that needs to be cut out and for good. You can't stay friends with an ex imo

If she was a bunny boiler then I'd agree. Generally people who are so afraid of ex's have huge insecurity issues. That's a great reason to avoid them.

leggo

Talking about exes and whether you should be friends with them is like arguing about whether men or women have it worse: everyone has their own view, nobody is changing theirs and the same stances get trotted out every time. Now we're entering the 'give the other side a thinly-veiled insult' stage of the debate. Should we not stick to, you know, trying to help the OP. She's going through a sudden and painful break-up, regardless of whether or not you think exes should be friends.

Carlos Orange

pilly wrote: »

Really harsh email OP.

I find it strange the OP is posting someone elses private communication (without permission) but not so far as I have noticed her own. Reacting to half the conversation is kinda pointless.

pilly

psinno wrote:

I find it strange the OP is posting someone elses private communication (without permission) but not so far as I have noticed her own. Reacting to half the conversation is kinda pointless.

It's not as if anyone can identify either party. Don't know what your point is?

njs030

pilly wrote: »

It's not as if anyone can identify either party. Don't know what your point is?

That she is only saying what he said and not what she said which would have been what lead to his response.

It's not about identifying either party I wouldn't think.

pilly

notjustsweet wrote:

That she is only saying what he said and not what she said which would have been what lead to his response.

Okay I get you but my point was that his words were harsh. Whatever she said I wouldn't tell someone I love not to be "patethic". It's an awful word to use.

laserlad2010

pilly wrote: »

Okay I get you but my point was that his words were harsh. Whatever she said I wouldn't tell someone I love not to be "patethic". It's an awful word to use.

True but if this person that you "love" had broken up with you, presumably hurting your feelings significantly, then had performed a complete U turn communicating in some of the extreme language (dying if its not sorted etc.) then I could understand how the guy could be confused, angry and hurt, and would lash out. Not saying it's ok but I could understand it.

To be honest it sounds like the guy was badly hurt by his ex and as part of moving on doesn't want to live near her (what's wrong with that). In most reasonable relationships there is some inadvertent mentioning of exes. Again we have only OP's word for it - and OP admits herself that she has a "physical reaction" to the ex's name. That seems extreme?! "A few times" may have been 3 times for all we know, in a year. He then was in a stressful relationship argument and was "triggered" for want of a better word.

This is why I cannot understand this forums blind insistence that black and white are the only options. Villifying this guy is pointless, because we have no reports of him doing anything to deserve it.

OP, as another poster said, you do not seem right for each other. You are both entitled to happiness and it does not seem that in times of stress that you can communicate effectively with each other. It's a pity but you both need space and time to think this through.

SarahMollie

laserlad2010 wrote: »

True but if this person that you "love" had broken up with you, presumably hurting your feelings significantly, then had performed a complete U turn communicating in some of the extreme language (dying if its not sorted etc.) then I could understand how the guy could be confused, angry and hurt, and would lash out. Not saying it's ok but I could understand it.

To be honest it sounds like the guy was badly hurt by his ex and as part of moving on doesn't want to live near her (what's wrong with that). In most reasonable relationships there is some inadvertent mentioning of exes. Again we have only OP's word for it - and OP admits herself that she has a "physical reaction" to the ex's name. That seems extreme?! "A few times" may have been 3 times for all we know, in a year. He then was in a stressful relationship argument and was "triggered" for want of a better word.

This is why I cannot understand this forums blind insistence that black and white are the only options. Villifying this guy is pointless, because we have no reports of him doing anything to deserve it.

OP, as another poster said, you do not seem right for each other. You are both entitled to happiness and it does not seem that in times of stress that you can communicate effectively with each other. It's a pity but you both need space and time to think this through.

I really don't think anyone is vilifying the guy here - rather telling that OP that based on his reactions so far, that there is more than likely no hope for the relationship. All I'm saying anyway is the his actions are not those of a person who intends on salvaging anything from this mess.

The OP has been told by a number of posters that she's OTT and needs to dial it back, which I think is absolutely fair comment.

Regarding the ex issue, I do understand her insecurity on this topic (without necessarily agreeing with how she handled it). Also, you point out that its reasonable for him not to want to live near his ex, but at the same time he maintains that he wants to stay friends with this girl and meets up with her occasionally. This is contradictory IMO and I can understand why the OP thinks theres unfinished business here.

law_lady

OP here. Thank you all for your input, I really appreciate it. Firstly, I want to say that I didn't come on here for people to tell me I'm 100% right and he should be the villain of the piece. I don't see it that way at all. Also I agree you only get one side of the story here but I genuinely haven't left out some important detail of something I wrote or said to make myself sound right. I wanted genuine well informed advice so I told you the truth.
I have decided to start into therapy to work on my issues with insecurity - not just in relation to my relationship but in life in general as I think it's a bigger issue. I've been to one session and I have decided to start mindfulness as well, so hopefully with a lot of work I will improve on those issues. This is something for me, not something to make him happy. I think I probably needed to do this for a long time but it took an incident to make me move on it, as these things often do.

I met with my boyfriend yesterday for a long conversation and it went well from both sides. We really hashed out the ex situation and I think he now understands the issue more than he did previously and has apologised for not reaching this point sooner. It wasn't 2 or 3 times he mentioned her by the way, it was maybe once or twice a month for the past year. We really went into the details of their relationship and why it wasn't right for either of them. He also explained that he had only met her since for work reasons since we have been together, whereas I had always thought they met more casually too. He has been contacted by her once since the last time I raised the issue and he told her he wasn't available to meet and that he didn't think they should work together any more. I believe him on all of this. 

On my mother, he has been very supportive. I am in a different country from her which is stressful now that she is sick as I feel guilty for not being there for her more. He has offered to go over to visit and help her on weekends when I feel someone should go but I can't do it myself. We had a long talk about my fears for her and he has been such a voice of comfort and sense on that. He had sent her a nice card on Monday which I found out about only when we met. I've since talked to her and she thinks he's the bees knees for his nice words.

We talked about his views of me, about his use of the word pathetic and his comments on self-harm. He has apologised and acknowledged it was a poor choice of words but he did point out that it wasn't meant as a general comment but rather on my behaviour on Monday, calling him repeatedly, etc. Which is fair to be honest, that was extreme and very ill advised. He also pointed out that I seem to be looking for a problem with him and am very eager to believe he looks down on me and not willing to just accept that he loves and respects me. This rings true and ties back in to my issues with insecurity and my past relationships. 

Ultimately we have decided we both want to make it work and we both want to work on the issues that caused this. I know some people reading this wrote him off and/or thought I was so intense that he was better off without me. I can see, based on the information I had given, why you'd reach those conclusions. All I can say is that I feel good about our decision to stay together. We aren't pretending it didn't happen, rather addressing why it did and trying to get healthier and move forward.

Thanks again for advice at a time I really needed it. All the best.