I just broke up with my bf of 4 years and I am broken hearted

misscpmfan

My ex thinks I left him because of his back problem which isn't true at all, and he said he's gonna burn all my. Clothes unless I say otherwise, tomorrow at 5pm. Wow I am actually in shock

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe you're in shock but I certainly am not. He's resorting to shock tactics now in order to get your attention. I know I'm wasting my time saying this to you because you're going to ignore it. I'll say it again though. It's time to block this fella's number and stop engaging with him. It's obvious you're hoping he'll have an epiphany or a personality change. It ain't gonna happen.

Big Bag of Chips

I feel so sorry for you. He is behaving typically for someone like him. Has to be in control of you and the relationship. When that control slips from his fingers he needs to get it back, and will use any means possible. I know it's a bit different, but I often post about my friend and her husband. I'll tell you about him just as an example of how some people can twist things to become the victim.

My friend had to leave her husband a few years ago. She took their children and moved to her parents' house. He was, still is, an alcoholic and a cocaine addict, with an added love for gambling. He didn't work. He would be up all night taking cocaine and drinking. She would get up in the morning, he would go to bed, after throwing a bit of abuse her way first. He'd sleep until about 7pm and then get up and start it all again. She tolerated this for years. Left a few times. He'd promise the earth, and she'd go back.

Since she left she very very regularly hears how she ruined his life! How she took everything from him. How she took his children away from him. He doesn't seem to notice that he had no relationship with his children when they lived in the same house as him. How it's her fault the marriage ended because she left him.

Unfortunately she has to keep communication open with him because they have children. And despite his protests of how much he loves them and how much he misses them and how much she has destroyed his life by taking them away from him he could go two or three weeks without seeing them, and maybe then he'd see them to bring them to McDonalds for 20 minutes and drop them home again...... He lives around the corner from them. In their family home while they stay in her mothers spare room.

I know his family well, and I regularly hear "Poor 'John'. He's heartbroken. He misses the kids. He hardly ever sees them etc etc". People like him, and your bf can never be in the wrong. Ever. All their fk ups will always be someone else's fault. You need to ignore ALL contact from your ex. He is just trying to drag you back in. How can he burn all your clothes? Does he mean the ones in his house? If so let him at it! If it makes him feel better. Just DO NOT reply or get into any sort of discussion with him. You will never change his mind. He will never suddenly admit that he is at fault for anything. It is so hard to resist the temptation to try to reason with him, but you will get nowhere.

Silence. That's your best bet.

groovyg

misscpmfan wrote: »

My ex thinks I left him because of his back problem which isn't true at all, and he said he's gonna burn all my. Clothes unless I say otherwise, tomorrow at 5pm. Wow I am actually in shock

Why are you bothered what he does with your stuff, also I thought you weren't going to engage with him. Have you not blocked his number and emails. In a previous post you said you were going to leave them there and forget about them as they weren't worth anything.

misscpmfan wrote: »

I think I will just leave the stuff there. My mother seems to think I should, and I thought I should too before my friend said anything. The stuff is from penny's, shirts that are falling apart and can be replaced. Same with shoes that I rarely wear, again they can be replaced and cheap makeup. Few little books, just some trinkets.

Clothes that are falling apart, shoes that you've never worn, let him burn away, you can go and buy some new clothes.

LegacyUser

misscpmfan. My cousin was with a man who has quite a bit in common with your ex. He had a chronic illness which many people live full lives with. Not him though. He turned into a big baby and she into some sort of mother who did everything for him. Reading what you wrote on boards I wonder did that happen here? You are talking about him as if he's a helpless human being who will struggle without you in his life. He managed without you before and he will manage again.

My cousin's ex was also quite a man for threats. He once threatened to break every cup and plate in the place and another time he said he'd destroy all her clothes. There were other threats too which were meant to get her attention and bring her back into line.

misscpmfan

I haven't engaged with him, I did block his number but was tempted I know I'm stupid to have a look at the spam folder. I am glad I did and I am glad I didn't. The reason why I am glad is because I can see how absolutely insane it all is, or should I say he is. This guy is 33, and instead of using reason, he like a 10 year old says he's gonna burn my things and is forcing me to reply. His phrasing! Everything is demands.
Not gonna look at the spam again, this is the most stressful situation I feel I've been in, although I know it could be worse.

misscpmfan

The back issue is very tricky. I must say it got to the stage where I was I will admit getting sick of it, because sometimes it felt like it was never going to end. This is what is making me feel bad too, he's convinced I am leaving over the back but it's not that. He's had this problem for over a year and it's been treated but it won't go away.

Intimate relations and even kissing became something abnormal. I had to ask for kisses and sometimes when I did he wouldn't wanna continue, or he'd say he couldn't breath? He just wasn't the same and I fell out of love with him. That realizing how bizarre his treatment was caused me to. Leave

Big Bag of Chips

His back problems are just a side issue. Don't get caught up in that. My friends husband has been in and off anti-depressants for years. When she eventually left him, he used his depression as a stick to beat her with. Completely ignoring the life she had lived with him due to drugs, alcohol, gambling etc, the debts he had built up, the times she had to visit her mother around dinner time just so the kids could be fed... Ignoring all that, he blamed her for leaving him at his lowest point. He was in a deep depression and she didn't care. Took his family, his whole life away him, and so on and so on.

Some people are just selfish people. Some selfish people also suffer with depression, or back trouble! Just because a selfish person has health problems it doesn't give them to right to demand special allowance for the shoddy treatment of people they profess to love. I understand the curiosity to look through the messages. But keep strong and do not reply. No matter how much he tries to bait you. He will eventually get fed up and leave you alone.

misscpmfan

It's killing me inside, because one half is thinking about our friendship and the other is thinking about the me who questioned her future and the me who felt put down or on egg shells a lot. Sometimes we had great days, but drinking almost every night isn't good and I've to stick to my guns. This would never have happened if I had been happy. I'm so mad at him. He was in a long term relationship before me, you'd think he would learn something?
It wasn't going anywhere. Sometimes I've been doubting my decision, but then I get strength. It's sad though, it's very hard to say goodbye for good.
I feel like I've lost a friend because I fell out of love with him, he was more my friend then my lover towards the end.

Big Bag of Chips

But was he even a friend though? Do any of your other friends treat you the way he has? If they did would you still be trying to hold on to their friendship or would you be walking away?

Breaking up isn't easy. Even if you are 100% certain that its the right thing to do. Even 6 months after my friend had left her husband and was starting to get her life back together, he had convinced her to try once more. He definitely change this time. She had agreed, and before she even had a chance to move back in he started the abuse again! So it's not easy. Not when you really do wish things had been different. But people don't change. Not hugely. So it won't ever be different. Allow yourself the time to grieve the relationship and don't be too hard on yourself. Move on and you will be happier.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

It's OK to feel sad and to feel guilt, and to grieve the relationship even though you know you're doing the right thing, four years is a long time. But you are 100% doing the right thing, and don't forget it. Don't beat yourself up about those feelings but for god's sake don't give in to them.

Keep yourself busy, spend time with family and friends. I find it can be helpful to write your feelings out, it can really help to process them. Accept the help and support of those who offer it. Be kind to yourself. DO. NOT. CONTACT OR RESPOND. TO. HIM. As far as you can, make it impossible for yourself to see any communications from him.

He's probably going to pull out all the stops now, case in point that clothes burning amateur dramatics. Leave him off, it's nothing to do with you anymore. Giving in is no kindness to him, the firmer you are the faster he can move on too if he wants to; but that choice is his and not yours, all you can do is facilitate it. The man did not respect you, did not think you were capable of following through on the break up, prove him wrong.

Day by day, this will get easier. It's incredibly difficult I know, but it does. Time will do its job, I'd say in a year you won't know yourself, or more accurately you'll remember what it's like to actually feel like yourself, out under the yoke of that relationship. Going through a break up is hell, but having gotten through one feels amazing if you know what I mean. That day will come, and you're young, you have so much life ahead of you and you don't need to waste one more day of it with his crap.

I'd also add, don't underestimate the effect heavy alcohol consumption has had, especially down on top of an already emotionally draining relationship. In a week, in a month, your mood will be better, your mind will be clearer.

Hang in there girl, you've done the right thing and you know it, it just might take the pesky emotions a while to catch up.

misscpmfan

Just an update, 5 months gone and I'm doing super!