I just broke up with my bf of 4 years and I am broken hearted

misscpmfan

I broke with him the other night. I had been meaning to do it for some time but when I thought about it I felt like it would be the most incredibly selfish decision.

I was unhappy for some time. Most of the time I felt like I was walking on egg shells because he was moody and I didn't know what was going to tip him off. Sometimes he would make me feel stupid.

If I would ask him was he ok, he would get mad at me for asking. He didn't like being asked was he ok. When someone you love gets annoyed at you for something as trivial and as normal as asking the question of "are you ok"? it kinda makes you think.......what other normal things is he going to have a problem with? When you think like that, you feel like you are being controlled. I did, and my mother saw it in him from the get go.

He would get mad if I asked him to repeat something. He would speak it quietly though, so naturally I can't hear everything and I am gonna ask him to repeat something. These among a bag load of other little things that have piled drove me to leave him.

I knew I had to break it off. Don't get me wrong, there were happy times and he was more than generous with me.
For the past year though, I have fallen out of the romantic love for him I had. We stopped having sex and kisses were not to be seen. We had a cute lovey dovey thing going on but nothing passionate. His back had been bad and needed an operation. He got it done but it's still bad again and now.......it's just nothing anymore. Nothing is happening. There is no future to be seen. It began to feel like Groundhog Day. Trust me. I didn't leave because there was someone else, nothing like that. I love him from the bottom of my soul, but the other night, I brought up that our relationship is dying and he said he wanted to be alone. As I was walking away, I said I was not coming back, this was it. He took my shopping from his bag, handed it to me, said goodbye, and turned and walked away. As I looked at him leave, I thought please please turn around so I know that we still have some shred of hope. But he didn't turn around.

Now I feel like just terrible, like my world has come crashing around. I feel a weight lifted but I am worried about him. He is very lonely. His friends have moved on, he is unemployed and now I have left. I dunno if the realization of what has happened has hit him, but I do not want to contact him.

What should I do, sorry this was so long

Ursus Horribilis

I remember your other threads about this relationship and I'm pleased to see you've finally ended it. It was toxic and I'm sure being with him has done you quite a bit of emotional damage.

As for what to do now - you cut all contact with him and you take some time to yourself to rebuild your self-esteem. Block his number on your phone so he can't get in touch with you and reel you back in. Take him off your Facebook, your Snapchat, Whatsapp, Instagram and whatever else you could see/contact him. You will get over this more quickly if you're not still in contact with him or as privy to what's going on his life.

If you feel you need someone to keep an eye on him, maybe you might consider having a quick word with someone in his family. Explain to them that you've broken up and that you're a little worried about him. Then walk and do not look back. The guy has a lot of issues it would appear but it's not up to you to fix him. He is not your responsibility any more. Don't let guilt suck you back into this. He's bad news and I think you know that.

misscpmfan

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Don't let guilt suck you back into this. He's bad news and I think you know that.

Thanks for the reply, for all of it!
My thoughts now are, 100% I am certain he doesn't have a clue what has happened, but this situation has happened so many times and I have always caved but not this time. This is what is worrying me. Also the fact that I have to pass the road where he lives to get home, but there are ways around this, sure its inconvenient but it will be worth it, because I am a softy and it's hard to just walk away but I gotta do it.
Yesterday was the worst, because I just cried. Today I am not as sad but I can feel something coming, like a big blow. Then again maybe it won't.
I do feel a sense of relief. I feel like I can get my life on track because with him, I would always drink too. Which was something that bothered me but I couldn't ever stop it because everything was dull when we were not drinking.

Ursus Horribilis

You sound like you're in shock. It's understandable because you're going to be getting used to bring single again after 4 years. It's telling that as well as sadness you're feeling relief. This guy clearly has a lot of issues and it's a shame you wasted so much of your life with him. Nice people don't lose all their friends or treat their partners badly.

If you feel you need to avoid going past his house for the time being, then do that. Do whatever else you feel you have to to help you. Keep busy, reconnect with your friends, cry write a letter to him and burn it... In other words, do what you feel is right ask you can grieve for the end of the relationship.

misscpmfan

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

You sound like you're in shock. It's understandable because you're going to be getting used to bring single again after 4 years. It's telling that as well as sadness you're feeling relief. This guy clearly has a lot of issues and it's a shame you wasted so much of your life with him. Nice people don't lose all their friends or treat their partners badly.

If you feel you need to avoid going past his house for the time being, then do that. Do whatever else you feel you have to to help you. Keep busy, reconnect with your friends, cry write a letter to him and burn it... In other words, do what you feel is right ask you can grieve for the end of the relationship.

What is bothering me now is I keep thinking about what he is going to be going through, he'll have more loneliness and sadness than I will have. Also there is so much stuff, little things in his home belonging to me, as there is with some stuff of his here. For instance, vouchers that we were going to use next time we were going to go to town together. He got me some and they are here, but I feel funny about using them. His shirts are here and just so many little things. I'm really sad now, because this time just a few days ago, we were pretty normal. I say that, but deep down inside I was unhappy. But surface wise we were normal. I'm so sad now. I'm so depressed, I just wish everything could have been different.

Sephiroth_dude

Listen You did the right thing, its sounds as if you were miserable and the relationship didn't bring you any happiness, coupled with him losing it with you constantly, I'd be long gone, grief the relationship and in time you'll start too feel better again.

misscpmfan

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

Listen You did the right thing, its sounds as if you were miserable and the relationship didn't bring you any happiness, coupled with him losing it with you constantly, I'd be long gone, grief the relationship and in time you'll start too feel better again.

There were times in the past I should have left but this is my first relationship so I was too in love to just give up.
Now, I am feeling the grief. Normally we would do our usual pub quiz tonight and we won't now, and never again. All these things are all gone now and need to be replaced and this is where the pinch is happening. Patrick's Day we would always hang out. Seeing little items around the house, perfumes and trinkets he got me, just remind me of happier times.
To be honest though sometimes I wondered if he himself deep down didn't want to be with me. Sometimes I would look at him and think he would be happier with someone like him, because I actually was not like him. Not really.
He has rang 3 times since the breakup which was Friday so.......there is no enthusiasm there. Don't get me wrong, I deleted my viber app, so there is probably messages coming through on the app. Maybe he too wanted to end things. If that is the case then I feel a light. Even so, he'll feel the pinch anyway, 4 years and 5 months dedicated to another daily being cut is very hard to comprehend for me. I don't think it's hit me yet. I can't help worry about him. I know I should not but he's lonely, like very lonely. Unemployed, and his health is very bad to the point that sexual activity might be near to impossible because of his back problem. That was also another problem. We didn't have Sex often and we did not kiss often. I wanted to make out loads but he would stop abruptly and say he didn't want to or stop and stare at the TV. The whole thing was creepy actually, now that I'm thinking about it. We should have kissed more!!

misscpmfan

I have to get some things I left in his home. I don't really want to though, they aren't important but my friend seems to think it will be closure

Ursus Horribilis

Can you not send your friend to collect them?

misscpmfan

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Can you not send your friend to collect them?

I could do that, I might actually do that instead of going myself.

I'm very worried about him. But I know that isn't my problem. I don't want anyone to get hurt and I know that at the early hours of the morning are going to be the hardest for him. I just hope that he doesn't do anything foolish out of a state of there is no hope for him.

He lost so many people in his life last year, that topped off with his health problem and now this......I am praying and praying that he finds the strength. I want to say something to one of his family members but I am afraid. After all, I am the one who dumped him and they are his family and they know the state he is in so no matter what I am the bad guy. I do not care for what they think. I just hope he doesn't do anything out of loss of hope.

The White Feather

If you do want to just see him for a few mins while you get your stuff then make sure you go with your friend.

Otherwise just send your friend to do it if you do not wish to see him.

Tokyo

I would second the suggestion that you have a friend pick up your belongings from him OP - at the moment the wound is still raw on both sides, and it may be too much fro one or both of you to deal with rationally, if you do pick up your belongings in person.

misscpmfan wrote: »

I'm very worried about him. But I know that isn't my problem. I don't want anyone to get hurt and I know that at the early hours of the morning are going to be the hardest for him. I just hope that he doesn't do anything foolish out of a state of there is no hope for him.

He lost so many people in his life last year, that topped off with his health problem and now this......I am praying and praying that he finds the strength. I want to say something to one of his family members but I am afraid. After all, I am the one who dumped him and they are his family and they know the state he is in so no matter what I am the bad guy. I do not care for what they think. I just hope he doesn't do anything out of loss of hope.

I'm not trying to belittle his situation, but this has come up in the PI forums time and time again. It's all too easy to get roped into staying in a relationship because of guilt, and one thing I've learned is that if you stay in a relationship for guilt's sake alone, something will always come up to make you stay another few months, then something else will make you stay for a few more months, and so on.

There's never a good time to break up with someone, if both parties ever cared for each other, it's always going to hurt. So the next best you can do is be honest - by your own admission, you've known fro quite a while now that your relationship has run its course. Yes he may have been through some tough times, but it's not solely your responsibility to carry that. He has family, and friends to fall back on for support.

Being honest, it sounds like you need to take time out to take care of yourself - going by what you've posted here, you've been living on edge for a year now, and carrying the weight of his hardships on your shoulders. It's not always going to be easy, and the temptation will be there to look back on your relationship through rose tinted glasses. Use the time to reconnect with friends, to take part in events and activities that you want to be part of.

LLMMLL

OP your friends advice about closure is terrible. If it's stuff like old clothes and toiletries just forget it.

I don't want to be negative about this step you've taken but it did sound like you're waiting for him to realise what a mistake hes made and change his behavior. It seems to be all about him.

sbsquarepants

misscpmfan wrote: »

I have to get some things I left in his home. I don't really want to though, they aren't important but my friend seems to think it will be closure

Unless it's something of considerable financial or sentimental value, I'd just tell him to bin it.

I don't know the details but I see people saying you've been on before and it was a toxic relationship - just put it in the past, you don't need whatever shít is in his house. Vouchers etc? - Small price to pay, just forget them and move on, the quicker and cleaner you sever your connection the better for you.

misscpmfan

I think I will just leave the stuff there. My mother seems to think I should, and I thought I should too before my friend said anything. The stuff is from penny's, shirts that are falling apart and can be replaced. Same with shoes that I rarely wear, again they can be replaced and cheap makeup. Few little books, just some trinkets.

I feel dead inside today. I think in a way, my bf fell out of love with me too. I have no spoken to him since Friday and he knows I've deactivated Viber. He made 4 attempts to phone since then and that was that. I am actually hoping, however sad it is, that he too realizes that the relationship has run its course. He's gonna have to in time anyway

misscpmfan

My ex bf has emailed me and he said in the email "Why are you doing this to me? I haven't done anything wrong, what on earth is going on?"

I don't know what to do, I don't want to be roped in again, can someone help me? Should I ignore him?

The White Feather

I think you said you explained everything to him and he did nothing.You gave him several chances to fix things and it was completely toxic.

Don't let him guilt trip you at all. From the sounds of it, do not even go to him to get any stuff as he wil just do this over and over. By this I mean start guilt tripping you hoping that you will give in.

I would say completely ignore him from now on. He has his own issues. They are not yours now.I was in a similar situation before where I had to cut all contact.If he rings, just hang up. If he emails, block his emails and don't read them.

It is very tough at the start as you may feel cruel. But he will be just like an anchor trying to drag you down and back in.I remember finding an old email from an ex and it was full of mind games and guilt trips. This was after I stopped reading them and months later. Later you can laugh at them like I did but at the time they will start messing with your head.

Don't try to wonder what he is doing as then you may get roped back in. Time for you to move on. He will eventually get the message like my ex did. She would call and I would hang up.She had my home phone number and I didn't have caller ID! I would just keep answering,hearing her say "please no..." and hang up.Then she finally stopped ringing. I don't know what was going on with her and I didn't want to know as I would have been dragged back in.

People think that if you are talking or emailing/chatting to them that maybe they have a chance and will keep going. This way you can move on with your life and eventually they will too.

misscpmfan

The White Feather wrote: »

I think you said you explained everything to him and he did nothing.You gave him several chances to fix things and it was completely toxic.

Don't let him guilt trip you at all. From the sounds of it, do not even go to him to get any stuff as he wil just do this over and over. By this I mean start guilt tripping you hoping that you will give in.

I would say completely ignore him from now on. He has his own issues. They are not yours now.I was in a similar situation before where I had to cut all contact.If he rings, just hang up. If he emails, block his emails and don't read them.

It is very tough at the start as you may feel cruel. But he will be just like an anchor trying to drag you down and back in.I remember finding an old email from an ex and it was full of mind games and guilt trips. This was after I stopped reading them and months later. Later you can laugh at them like I did but at the time they will start messing with your head.

Don't try to wonder what he is doing as then you may get roped back in. Time for you to move on. He will eventually get the message like my ex did. She would call and I would hang up.She had my home phone number and I didn't have caller ID! I would just keep answering,hearing her say "please no..." and hang up.Then she finally stopped ringing. I don't know what was going on with her and I didn't want to know as I would have been dragged back in.

People think that if you are talking or emailing/chatting to them that maybe they have a chance and will keep going. This way you can move on with your life and eventually they will too.

YES! He is trying to guilt trip me. I noticed the email he sent had attachments underneath the email, quoted text if you understand me of previous emails we had sent a long time ago and they were loving. My first instinct was he is trying to get me to glance at those while also reading the one he has just sent me today. Maybe it is a stretch but that is the impression I got.
My mother is giving me courage. She said what you have just said. He left me on the streets at 12 midnight to find a taxi alone and in the middle of a busy road. People who love us do not do things like that. I was the one who waited for him to turn around and try and salvage our relationship, even though he left me when anything could have happened to me and he didn't look back.
My mam put it in a way that has made sense. She said everything that is going to happen is going to happen, but now I have the pen in my hand and I am writing the story and if he wants me hard enough he will go to the ends of the earth.
Also I gotta think about all the harsh things I put up with during the relationship. I am not going to go back for my things. I am done. I am just gonna block everything. Thanks for this!!

groovyg

misscpmfan wrote: »

My mother is giving me courage. She said what you have just said. He left me on the streets at 12 midnight to find a taxi alone and in the middle of a busy road. People who love us do not do things like that. I was the one who waited for him to turn around and try and salvage our relationship, even though he left me when anything could have happened to me and he didn't look back.
Also I gotta think about all the harsh things I put up with during the relationship. I am not going to go back for my things. I am done. I am just gonna block everything. Thanks for this!!

Sorry what kind of arsehole does that? Listen to your mam as she sounds like a rock of sense. Don't even bother engaging with him, just block or add his email to spam. It's only a few days since you broke him so everything is going to be very raw. Stop worrying about him, or feeling guilty for ending it, he obviously didn't care to much leaving you in the middle of the road at midnight! Pack up any stuff that belongs to him and get a family member to drop it off or post it to him. Surround yourself with people that love you and treat you well.
Make a bucket list of things you would like to do in the next 3 - 6 months just focus your energies on something else.

misscpmfan

groovyg wrote: »

Sorry what kind of arsehole does that? Listen to your mam as she sounds like a rock of sense. Don't even bother engaging with him, just block or add his email to spam. It's only a few days since you broke him so everything is going to be very raw. Stop worrying about him, or feeling guilty for ending it, he obviously didn't care to much leaving you in the middle of the road at midnight! Pack up any stuff that belongs to him and get a family member to drop it off or post it to him. Surround yourself with people that love you and treat you well.
Make a bucket list of things you would like to do in the next 3 - 6 months just focus your energies on something else.

She saw straight away what he was and I knew in my heart she was right. When bad things happened I avoided telling her because the truth hurts, and I wanted to ignore it. I am mentally and physically drained worrying about him and thinking about him. He was an arsehole. I should have ended it with him long ago, when I arrived at his home one day to surprise him, he didn't care for it at all and said if I ever did it again, he would tell his mother and father to ignore me until I went away. Not to let me in. This was his method of control. He was in his home. I always thought about this for awhile after and wondered was he ever hiding anything, because saying he was going to tell his parents to ignore me was creepy. He was all about himself. People who love us are happy to see us and spontaneity is wonderful. That was the day I should have left but I was stupid.

misscpmfan

I feel sad. I feel really cruel and awful and I know I shouldn't but I do.

Ursus Horribilis

I don't doubt that you feel cruel and horrible and guilty. Not to mention a bit lost because you're having to adjust to not having your life revolve around him. It's obvious that you tried everything you could to make this work and that you stayed when you should have walked.

This guy is never going to give you the life you deserve and you're not wrong to set standards for yourself here. You deserve better than this. if someone had told you at 19 or 20 that your destiny lay with a controlling man who treated you like an emotional punchbag, what would you have said? I also think you're still living in hope that he'll have an epiphany and come to his senses. I'm sorry but you've had plenty of time to see what his true nature is. Walk and do not look back.

misscpmfan

I keep wondering what he is doing. I think a lot of my sadness is me putting myself in his shoes. I can't seem to stop wondering how he is doing, what he is feeling etc and that's what's killing me

The White Feather

misscpmfan wrote: »

I keep wondering what he is doing. I think a lot of my sadness is me putting myself in his shoes. I can't seem to stop wondering how he is doing, what he is feeling etc and that's what's killing me

The White Feather wrote: »

It is very tough at the start as you may feel cruel.

Don't try to wonder what he is doing as then you may get roped back in. Time for you to move on. I don't know what was going on with her and I didn't want to know as I would have been dragged back in.

As you can see, I went through this too and foresaw that you would too.Like Groovy said, surround yourself with family and look forward.You have to put yourself first now.Try to keep yourself busy and not at home thinking about him. Maybe go for a walk or run or go to the gym. Any activity is good to get you moving.Go away with friends for a weekend, anything. Just make some plans.

You have to put yourself first and be a bit selfish. You have looked out for him long enough so it is your time now.

Do you really think he cares about you now? No, he just wants his safety blanket back and hoping to make you feel guilty.He is banking on you feeling this way and hoping you will come back.

You made your decision and are happy with it. He treated you badly and had loads of chances. He made his choice treating you like that. Now you are taking back control and moving on.

Just keep saying to yourself that you are happier now.He is hoping any guilt you might have will get you to go back. That's why he will use any communication to guilt trip you.

He should have shown he cared when he had all those chances.

weirdspider

misscpmfan wrote: »

I broke with him the other night. I had been meaning to do it for some time but when I thought about it I felt like it would be the most incredibly selfish decision.

I was unhappy for some time. Most of the time I felt like I was walking on egg shells because he was moody and I didn't know what was going to tip him off. Sometimes he would make me feel stupid.

If I would ask him was he ok, he would get mad at me for asking. He didn't like being asked was he ok. When someone you love gets annoyed at you for something as trivial and as normal as asking the question of "are you ok"? it kinda makes you think.......what other normal things is he going to have a problem with? When you think like that, you feel like you are being controlled. I did, and my mother saw it in him from the get go.

He would get mad if I asked him to repeat something. He would speak it quietly though, so naturally I can't hear everything and I am gonna ask him to repeat something. These among a bag load of other little things that have piled drove me to leave him.

I knew I had to break it off. Don't get me wrong, there were happy times and he was more than generous with me.
For the past year though, I have fallen out of the romantic love for him I had. We stopped having sex and kisses were not to be seen. We had a cute lovey dovey thing going on but nothing passionate. His back had been bad and needed an operation. He got it done but it's still bad again and now.......it's just nothing anymore. Nothing is happening. There is no future to be seen. It began to feel like Groundhog Day. Trust me. I didn't leave because there was someone else, nothing like that. I love him from the bottom of my soul, but the other night, I brought up that our relationship is dying and he said he wanted to be alone. As I was walking away, I said I was not coming back, this was it. He took my shopping from his bag, handed it to me, said goodbye, and turned and walked away. As I looked at him leave, I thought please please turn around so I know that we still have some shred of hope. But he didn't turn around.

Now I feel like just terrible, like my world has come crashing around. I feel a weight lifted but I am worried about him. He is very lonely. His friends have moved on, he is unemployed and now I have left. I dunno if the realization of what has happened has hit him, but I do not want to contact him.

What should I do, sorry this was so long

1. Block/delete on all platforms
2. Try to stop thinking about him
3. Give yourself time to wallow
4. After about a week of self-pitying get up and occupy your time with as many productive activities as possible
5. Go out with friends, meet new guys if you're up for it (non-serious flings are probably best after a long term relationship)
6. If you do end up thinking about him, remind yourself of the reasons you broke up. Accept that you are not meant to be and that's final.

If you do as above I promise you will be over him within a month.

misscpmfan

The White Feather wrote: »

As you can see, I went through this too and foresaw that you would too.Like Groovy said, surround yourself with family and look forward.You have to put yourself first now.Try to keep yourself busy and not at home thinking about him. Maybe go for a walk or run or go to the gym. Any activity is good to get you moving.Go away with friends for a weekend, anything. Just make some plans.

You have to put yourself first and be a bit selfish. You have looked out for him long enough so it is your time now.

Do you really think he cares about you now? No, he just wants his safety blanket back and hoping to make you feel guilty.He is banking on you feeling this way and hoping you will come back.

You made your decision and are happy with it. He treated you badly and had loads of chances. He made his choice treating you like that. Now you are taking back control and moving on.

Just keep saying to yourself that you are happier now.He is hoping any guilt you might have will get you to go back. That's why he will use any communication to guilt trip you.

He should have shown he cared when he had all those chances.

When you left your ex did you worry about her doing anything to herself? I wonder and worry that he might have a night of total loss although I know it's not my problem or concern.
He's lost so much, now me.
I'm sorry, this must get annoying, hopefully I'll come to my senses.

sbsquarepants

misscpmfan wrote: »

My ex bf has emailed me and he said in the email "Why are you doing this to me? I haven't done anything wrong, what on earth is going on?"

I don't know what to do, I don't want to be roped in again, can someone help me? Should I ignore him?

You already know the answer - of course you should ignore him!

Stop worrying about what he's doing, thinking, feeling etc - it's just not your concern. He's a grown man, it's about time he started to act like one - he's not some helpless child that you need to look out for every minute of the day.

As for him having a hard time lately - he's hardly alone in that now is he - we all have bad times along the way. We all need to deal with them.

To be blunt - his problems are his, your problems are yours. You seem to be mixing this up. You need to prioritise your concerns better. Your number one concern is you - look out for yourself and leave him to do the same. Any dealings you have with him are just going to make things harder on you. This needs to be your first question in everything you do, "will this make my life better or worse"?, if the answer is worse - then don't bloody do it!

Trust me, you'll be amazed how quickly your whole life will improve with an attitude like this! Life is too short to be unhappy for some **** benefit.

ibarelycare

Fair play to you OP. It takes a huge amount of strength to walk away from a relationship, and even more strength to stay away. I broke up with my first bf when I was in my early 20s. He was an arsehole...a cheat, physically and mentally abusive, an alcoholic...and even though he treated me terribly a lot of the time, the guilt and sadness I felt when I finally broke up with him was horrific. He actually did threaten suicide once. I was distraught, and called my local police station as I didn't know what to do. The guard was so lovely on the phone and they sent a car out to his house to check on him. When they saw he was fine and it was just an empty threat, he got a severe bollocking off them!

It's time for you to reclaim your life, and look forward to what life has to offer without him. You might have moments of weakness when you reply to him, and if you do, don't beat yourself up. But try your best not to engage with him at all. Keep thinking of all the bad ways he treated you and how you don't deserve that. You've given him 4 years of your life, that's enough. Keep strong, keep talking to your mam, you'll come out the other side

misscpmfan

ibarelycare wrote: »

Fair play to you OP. It takes a huge amount of strength to walk away from a relationship, and even more strength to stay away. I broke up with my first bf when I was in my early 20s. He was an arsehole...a cheat, physically and mentally abusive, an alcoholic...and even though he treated me terribly a lot of the time, the guilt and sadness I felt when I finally broke up with him was horrific. He actually did threaten suicide once. I was distraught, and called my local police station as I didn't know what to do. The guard was so lovely on the phone and they sent a car out to his house to check on him. When they saw he was fine and it was just an empty threat, he got a severe bollocking off them!

It's time for you to reclaim your life, and look forward to what life has to offer without him. You might have moments of weakness when you reply to him, and if you do, don't beat yourself up. But try your best not to engage with him at all. Keep thinking of all the bad ways he treated you and how you don't deserve that. You've given him 4 years of your life, that's enough. Keep strong, keep talking to your mam, you'll come out the other side

Thank you! my ex actually drank quite a lot too and I got too used to the habit myself. I always said I will stop next week, but I would be so bored just sitting with him that we would crack and just go out and drink.
If he threatens suicide I am not gonna know about it because I have blocked every form of communication I can. I'm extremely sad. I had to take another route to work so I wouldn't have to pass his home. I don't care it will help. I just hope he stays away from my job and doesn't try and come near me. The relationship ran its course. I don't love him romantically anymore, we even stopped kissing. Not isn't normal and he would need to be asked to kiss me and even then he didn't seem happy about it.

The White Feather

misscpmfan wrote: »

When you left your ex did you worry about her doing anything to herself? I wonder and worry that he might have a night of total loss although I know it's not my problem or concern.
He's lost so much, now me.
I'm sorry, this must get annoying, hopefully I'll come to my senses.

No, I felt the exact same way.I was worried about that as well as stalking because she used to try to follow me around. I just ignored her all the time if I saw her.

Don't engage at all.She came to my work trying to make a scene too but I just avoided her. Go to the back of the shop or ask he not be let into the building depending on where you work.

You have to think of yourself. If the other person does do anything it is not your or my fault.It is not like you just left overnight.Deep down he knew it was coming as you tried numerous times to fix things. He just didn't want to accept it.

Taking another route to work is a good idea. I used to park my car at my parents garage and get a friend to take me to work so she didn't know where I was. She didn't see my car at home or at work so she didn't know where to go! It was just to break that connection after the initial breakup. Soon she got the message as I didn't see her around.

She did call me at all hours of the night for a bit but I just kept hanging up.When your ex has no communication to hang onto then he will get the message.

If he does anything then its not on you. It would just be an attempt to guilt trip you more as he would hope you hear about it. Once you cocoon yourself then you will be immune to everything like I was.

misscpmfan

The White Feather wrote: »

No, I felt the exact same way.I was worried about that as well as stalking because she used to try to follow me around. I just ignored her all the time if I saw her.

Don't engage at all.She came to my work trying to make a scene too but I just avoided her. Go to the back of the shop or ask he not be let into the building depending on where you work.

You have to think of yourself. If the other person does do anything it is not your or my fault.It is not like you just left overnight.Deep down he knew it was coming as you tried numerous times to fix things. He just didn't want to accept it.

Taking another route to work is a good idea. I used to park my car at my parents garage and get a friend to take me to work so she didn't know where I was. She didn't see my car at home or at work so she didn't know where to go! It was just to break that connection after the initial breakup. Soon she got the message as I didn't see her around.

She did call me at all hours of the night for a bit but I just kept hanging up.When your ex has no communication to hang onto then he will get the message.

If he does anything then its not on you. It would just be an attempt to guilt trip you more as he would hope you hear about it. Once you cocoon yourself then you will be immune to everything like I was.

How long were you guys together for? We're you thinking about breaking up for a long time?

My ex was one of these guys that didn't like the thought of groveling to any woman, so I'll be surprised if he ever does try and stalk me. I must say I was expecting to see him outside my work place.

I'm missing him today. I am annoyed and I am focusing on the negative. I'm missing the texts saying I love you. Little stupid things

misscpmfan

My ex thinks I left him because of his back problem which isn't true at all, and he said he's gonna burn all my. Clothes unless I say otherwise, tomorrow at 5pm. Wow I am actually in shock

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe you're in shock but I certainly am not. He's resorting to shock tactics now in order to get your attention. I know I'm wasting my time saying this to you because you're going to ignore it. I'll say it again though. It's time to block this fella's number and stop engaging with him. It's obvious you're hoping he'll have an epiphany or a personality change. It ain't gonna happen.

Big Bag of Chips

I feel so sorry for you. He is behaving typically for someone like him. Has to be in control of you and the relationship. When that control slips from his fingers he needs to get it back, and will use any means possible. I know it's a bit different, but I often post about my friend and her husband. I'll tell you about him just as an example of how some people can twist things to become the victim.

My friend had to leave her husband a few years ago. She took their children and moved to her parents' house. He was, still is, an alcoholic and a cocaine addict, with an added love for gambling. He didn't work. He would be up all night taking cocaine and drinking. She would get up in the morning, he would go to bed, after throwing a bit of abuse her way first. He'd sleep until about 7pm and then get up and start it all again. She tolerated this for years. Left a few times. He'd promise the earth, and she'd go back.

Since she left she very very regularly hears how she ruined his life! How she took everything from him. How she took his children away from him. He doesn't seem to notice that he had no relationship with his children when they lived in the same house as him. How it's her fault the marriage ended because she left him.

Unfortunately she has to keep communication open with him because they have children. And despite his protests of how much he loves them and how much he misses them and how much she has destroyed his life by taking them away from him he could go two or three weeks without seeing them, and maybe then he'd see them to bring them to McDonalds for 20 minutes and drop them home again...... He lives around the corner from them. In their family home while they stay in her mothers spare room.

I know his family well, and I regularly hear "Poor 'John'. He's heartbroken. He misses the kids. He hardly ever sees them etc etc". People like him, and your bf can never be in the wrong. Ever. All their fk ups will always be someone else's fault. You need to ignore ALL contact from your ex. He is just trying to drag you back in. How can he burn all your clothes? Does he mean the ones in his house? If so let him at it! If it makes him feel better. Just DO NOT reply or get into any sort of discussion with him. You will never change his mind. He will never suddenly admit that he is at fault for anything. It is so hard to resist the temptation to try to reason with him, but you will get nowhere.

Silence. That's your best bet.

groovyg

misscpmfan wrote: »

My ex thinks I left him because of his back problem which isn't true at all, and he said he's gonna burn all my. Clothes unless I say otherwise, tomorrow at 5pm. Wow I am actually in shock

Why are you bothered what he does with your stuff, also I thought you weren't going to engage with him. Have you not blocked his number and emails. In a previous post you said you were going to leave them there and forget about them as they weren't worth anything.

misscpmfan wrote: »

I think I will just leave the stuff there. My mother seems to think I should, and I thought I should too before my friend said anything. The stuff is from penny's, shirts that are falling apart and can be replaced. Same with shoes that I rarely wear, again they can be replaced and cheap makeup. Few little books, just some trinkets.

Clothes that are falling apart, shoes that you've never worn, let him burn away, you can go and buy some new clothes.

LegacyUser

misscpmfan. My cousin was with a man who has quite a bit in common with your ex. He had a chronic illness which many people live full lives with. Not him though. He turned into a big baby and she into some sort of mother who did everything for him. Reading what you wrote on boards I wonder did that happen here? You are talking about him as if he's a helpless human being who will struggle without you in his life. He managed without you before and he will manage again.

My cousin's ex was also quite a man for threats. He once threatened to break every cup and plate in the place and another time he said he'd destroy all her clothes. There were other threats too which were meant to get her attention and bring her back into line.

misscpmfan

I haven't engaged with him, I did block his number but was tempted I know I'm stupid to have a look at the spam folder. I am glad I did and I am glad I didn't. The reason why I am glad is because I can see how absolutely insane it all is, or should I say he is. This guy is 33, and instead of using reason, he like a 10 year old says he's gonna burn my things and is forcing me to reply. His phrasing! Everything is demands.
Not gonna look at the spam again, this is the most stressful situation I feel I've been in, although I know it could be worse.

misscpmfan

The back issue is very tricky. I must say it got to the stage where I was I will admit getting sick of it, because sometimes it felt like it was never going to end. This is what is making me feel bad too, he's convinced I am leaving over the back but it's not that. He's had this problem for over a year and it's been treated but it won't go away.

Intimate relations and even kissing became something abnormal. I had to ask for kisses and sometimes when I did he wouldn't wanna continue, or he'd say he couldn't breath? He just wasn't the same and I fell out of love with him. That realizing how bizarre his treatment was caused me to. Leave

Big Bag of Chips

His back problems are just a side issue. Don't get caught up in that. My friends husband has been in and off anti-depressants for years. When she eventually left him, he used his depression as a stick to beat her with. Completely ignoring the life she had lived with him due to drugs, alcohol, gambling etc, the debts he had built up, the times she had to visit her mother around dinner time just so the kids could be fed... Ignoring all that, he blamed her for leaving him at his lowest point. He was in a deep depression and she didn't care. Took his family, his whole life away him, and so on and so on.

Some people are just selfish people. Some selfish people also suffer with depression, or back trouble! Just because a selfish person has health problems it doesn't give them to right to demand special allowance for the shoddy treatment of people they profess to love. I understand the curiosity to look through the messages. But keep strong and do not reply. No matter how much he tries to bait you. He will eventually get fed up and leave you alone.

misscpmfan

It's killing me inside, because one half is thinking about our friendship and the other is thinking about the me who questioned her future and the me who felt put down or on egg shells a lot. Sometimes we had great days, but drinking almost every night isn't good and I've to stick to my guns. This would never have happened if I had been happy. I'm so mad at him. He was in a long term relationship before me, you'd think he would learn something?
It wasn't going anywhere. Sometimes I've been doubting my decision, but then I get strength. It's sad though, it's very hard to say goodbye for good.
I feel like I've lost a friend because I fell out of love with him, he was more my friend then my lover towards the end.

Big Bag of Chips

But was he even a friend though? Do any of your other friends treat you the way he has? If they did would you still be trying to hold on to their friendship or would you be walking away?

Breaking up isn't easy. Even if you are 100% certain that its the right thing to do. Even 6 months after my friend had left her husband and was starting to get her life back together, he had convinced her to try once more. He definitely change this time. She had agreed, and before she even had a chance to move back in he started the abuse again! So it's not easy. Not when you really do wish things had been different. But people don't change. Not hugely. So it won't ever be different. Allow yourself the time to grieve the relationship and don't be too hard on yourself. Move on and you will be happier.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

It's OK to feel sad and to feel guilt, and to grieve the relationship even though you know you're doing the right thing, four years is a long time. But you are 100% doing the right thing, and don't forget it. Don't beat yourself up about those feelings but for god's sake don't give in to them.

Keep yourself busy, spend time with family and friends. I find it can be helpful to write your feelings out, it can really help to process them. Accept the help and support of those who offer it. Be kind to yourself. DO. NOT. CONTACT OR RESPOND. TO. HIM. As far as you can, make it impossible for yourself to see any communications from him.

He's probably going to pull out all the stops now, case in point that clothes burning amateur dramatics. Leave him off, it's nothing to do with you anymore. Giving in is no kindness to him, the firmer you are the faster he can move on too if he wants to; but that choice is his and not yours, all you can do is facilitate it. The man did not respect you, did not think you were capable of following through on the break up, prove him wrong.

Day by day, this will get easier. It's incredibly difficult I know, but it does. Time will do its job, I'd say in a year you won't know yourself, or more accurately you'll remember what it's like to actually feel like yourself, out under the yoke of that relationship. Going through a break up is hell, but having gotten through one feels amazing if you know what I mean. That day will come, and you're young, you have so much life ahead of you and you don't need to waste one more day of it with his crap.

I'd also add, don't underestimate the effect heavy alcohol consumption has had, especially down on top of an already emotionally draining relationship. In a week, in a month, your mood will be better, your mind will be clearer.

Hang in there girl, you've done the right thing and you know it, it just might take the pesky emotions a while to catch up.

misscpmfan

Just an update, 5 months gone and I'm doing super!