"Why I did not report my rapist"

Calhoun

Calhoun wrote: »

Do you think we need additional laws to make up for the fact that woman cannot say no? .

The OP said no, in fact she told the guy that she didn't want to have sex.
The girl I know, told the guy she didn't see him in ' that way' she told him no.
Are you suggesting that rape victims didn't do enough to protect themselves?

neonsofa

bubblypop wrote: »

LOL!
Come back to me when you have actually worked at the job for 2 years.
I have worked beside & personally know lots of social workers and social care workers.
It's a really tough job, and you will change your attitude.

It is but that doesn't change why people are motivated to do that work. Red tape and bureaucracy, among a whole host of other issues, make it so difficult, but if someone is dedicated and motivated by the issues that anna listed then it is still a job worth doing.

retro:electro

bubblypop wrote: »

LOL!
Come back to me when you have actually worked at the job for 2 years.
I have worked beside & personally know lots of social workers and social care workers.
It's a really tough job, and you will change your attitude.

Good for you. You're one of those people aren't you who, in an argument reaches for "ya well my best friend's brother's wife is a doctor so I know more than you".
Class.
And as for my attitude, well it may change, I'm not so naive to think it cannot, but hopefully it won't. Not sure what your point is again, remind me? Actually don't. That's enough on me and my (hopeful) career for one day.

Back on topic!

aaronjumper

After reading the thread I agree with the no side.
The whole thing is madness.

neonsofa

neonsofa wrote: »

It is but that doesn't change why people are motivated to do that work. Red tape and bureaucracy, among a whole host of other issues, make it so difficult, but if someone is dedicated and motivated by the issues that anna listed then it is still a job worth doing.

It totally is, but the likes an Anna whateversheis here will learn, she will have to deal with women and children all the time, that just 'let it happen'
She can't start telling them they were wrong

Samaris

Mod: Bubblypop thread-banned until 11PM tomorrow.

neonsofa

bubblypop wrote: »

It totally is, but the likes an Anna whateversheis here will learn, she will have to deal with women and children all the time, that just 'let it happen'
She can't start telling them they were wrong

People are able to keep their personal opinion separate from their professional approach. The fact anna is going on to study the field at masters level shows she is a dedicated professional and so she will have no problem behaving in a professional manner in that capacity. Doesn't mean she can't come onto an anonymous forum and give her personal opinion.

Fwiw in my line of work I much prefer dealing with the fresh enthusiastic, if not a bit naive at times, professionals in that field rather than the jaded ones who sometimes are so beaten by the job over the years that they no longer have energy to care. The only worry I have is that the enthusiastic ones will burn out eventually and become the latter. It is tough but there are some who get the balance right and they are an absolute inspiration to me.

Edit: only saw mod post after I posted, sorry.

ibarelycare

bubblypop wrote: »

The OP said no, in fact she told the guy that she didn't want to have sex.
The girl I know, told the guy she didn't see him in ' that way' she told him no.
Are you suggesting that rape victims didn't do enough to protect themselves?

For the third time, she didn't tell him "I don't want to have sex".




Anyway, I glanced at a few of the comments under her blog post. One of them from a girl who said the same thing happened her on her leaving cert holiday. She said she never knew if it was rape or not but "now she knows".

Very worrying.

Ciderswigger

I haven't commented anything on this thread because people are much better at getting their thoughts, that I agree with, across better than I am.

But Rosemary says "At no point did I shove him away, or scream at him, or tell him to get out of my room. (I wish I had.)" but one of her tweets says "I didn't scream and I didn't cry and I didn't get beaten up. I just lay there as he did to me what I'd told him, repeatedly, I didn't want."

Maybe I'm misunderstanding her but on one hand she implies that she didn't say anything like "no, stop, please stop" as she was okay with having sex in order to avoid the awkward conversation. However she did say no as he tried to undress her. And on the other hand she says that she repeatedly asked him to stop during sex. So which was it?

Calhoun

bubblypop wrote: »

The OP said no, in fact she told the guy that she didn't want to have sex.
The girl I know, told the guy she didn't see him in ' that way' she told him no.
Are you suggesting that rape victims didn't do enough to protect themselves?

I know you cannot answer but I will generally answer it.

First off I don't think they are rape victims but let's hypothetically say they were. If your telling me that in both cases they went along with it to avoid an awkward argument then yes I do think they didn't do enough to protect themselves.

MuffinTop86

this thread has made me think so much about my college days and things I did that I would never do now.
It reminded me of an ex of mine. After we broke up I was really upset about it. I used to text him, drunkenly call to his house. Sometimes he'd oblige me, sometimesnot.
Anyway on those times that he did, i'd start kissing him. He said no, i could sleep on the couch. I refused, hopped in his bed, we had sex even though he had said no to kissing.
Am I a rapist?

noaddedsugar

ibarelycare wrote: »

For the third time, she didn't tell him "I don't want to have sex".




Anyway, I glanced at a few of the comments under her blog post. One of them from a girl who said the same thing happened her on her leaving cert holiday. She said she never knew if it was rape or not but "now she knows".

Very worrying.

Read her blog post. She says 'He tried to undress me. I said no. He tried again – my top came off. I told him I didn’t want to have sex. We kissed some more. He tried to take off my bottoms. I said no.'

Jthreehats

Rosemary's article made me so angry when I read it. I really worry about this type of sexual encounter being labeled as rape. she had a choice, there was no threat to her, physically or otherwise.. she chose to have sex rather than having the bottle to tell him she wasn't attracted to him.

what makes me so annoyed is that this type of article from a so called 'social influencer' (what a sad case), means that other people reading it could believe her warped idea of what constitutes rape. she has deleted my comments on her facebook page as she has many other women who have issues with the article. she is dangerous and delusional..

mzungu

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

It's amazing how you can spin something when you completelyignore context

Welcome to clickbait!

ibarelycare

noaddedsugar wrote: »

Read her blog post. She says 'He tried to undress me. I said no. He tried again – my top came off. I told him I didn’t want to have sex. We kissed some more. He tried to take off my bottoms. I said no.'

My mistake.

LightlyGo

I watched the facebook live piece(her first!) and I felt she was a shrewd operator. It was a deft move, drive all this new traffic back to facebook where she shares her affiliate links and makes money. I felt she's aware of the cache she's created in terms of name recognition and she's setting out her stall as a "reasonable" feminist. I'd think brands will be reassured she's willing to sacrifice her soul to whip up some kooky controversy and get herself noticed, not too unhinged not to recognise the value of that in monetary terms and that she can handle an internet crisis well.

I'd say game set and match Rosemary.

By the same token I feel like I've learned quite a bit from this thread and both her piece and the comments here have given me a lot to think about so I can't say the whole debacle wasn't valuable for me.

JP Liz V1

Why didn't she put up more of a fight or call her mates outside, anyways no means no

Peregrine

Please don't quote bubblypop's posts since they cannot respond.

pilly

ibarelycare wrote:

Anyway, I glanced at a few of the comments under her blog post. One of them from a girl who said the same thing happened her on her leaving cert holiday. She said she never knew if it was rape or not but "now she knows".

ibarelycare wrote:

Very worrying.

That is very worrying. That there may be women out there unnecessarily now feeling that they've been raped and did nothing about it when all they did was make a young and foolish mistake that we've all probably done at some stage.

Who hasn't regretted sex?

pumpkin4life

ibarelycare wrote: »

For the third time, she didn't tell him "I don't want to have sex".




Anyway, I glanced at a few of the comments under her blog post. One of them from a girl who said the same thing happened her on her leaving cert holiday. She said she never knew if it was rape or not but "now she knows".

Very worrying.

Brilliant. Girl thinks shes been raped. Reports lad. Lad gets life destroyed. Other lads see lads life getting destroyed and stop believing real victims of abuse and rape, as well as the stop in approaching wans in bars and become more and more nervy around the wans (where are all the good men gone?), meanwhile wans have been indoctrinated with this crap, thinking a bumtouch is rape, they end up in positions of powers later on and start pushing their extreme nonsense on normal people and the cycle continues.

It's like in finance. We have had an SJW bubble. And we're currently at the mortgage bonds failing stage of the bubble in my opinion. Bout time too, I'm sick of this bollox; a lot of early twenties wans are obsessed with this nonsense and it does your head in like.

Btw, Rosemary, cheers for referencing my dismissive avoidant personality post. Do the right thing, since I know you'll be reading this.

You won't though.

You'll lie, you'll double down and you'll project even more.

Mountainsandh

pilly wrote: »

That is very worrying. That there may be women out there unnecessarily now feeling that they've been raped and did nothing about it when all they did was make a young and foolish mistake that we've all probably done at some stage.

Who hasn't regretted sex?

I have a regret/polite sex story similar to hers. Lots of awkwardness, me not wanting to be mean, poor guy was very keen but I really wasn't attracted to him. Drink taken, he came back to my place, I didn't have the guts to have the awkward conversation, so just went ahead with it.

In my case the guy was just super keen, but definitely harmless and not pushy either.

Rape ?
Come on.
I could have had the awkward conversation beforehand, that would have sorted my problem, but I just didn't have the guts. Having a reluctant one night stand was a valid option at the time :P

Tigger

pilly wrote: »

That is very worrying. That there may be women out there unnecessarily now feeling that they've been raped and did nothing about it when all they did was make a young and foolish mistake that we've all probably done at some stage.

Who hasn't regretted sex?

Me

Although I s a story I tell sometimes on boards I'll tell it again. I was at a party it was the year of our leaving and we'd all done transition year so we were 18 ish
One of the girls had had an older boyfriend and she broke up with him
I was with her now but because they'd been in the group they were at the party I say they were 20-21
So late on inthe night I'm looking for somewhere to piss and I hear a monaing
Not a nice sound but a sad weak sound so I open the room it's coming from and there's one of the older lads undressing a very very drunk
Girl
She's 18 and she's locked and she's moaning "don't do that" all quiet like she's too drunk
Or too tired to stop him
So I ask him to cop on and he's all get out mind your own business. Well I grab him
And run him out of the house but the defensiveness of his friends sickened me.and I was aftmraid they'd but me .thing is she was a confidante and I know that if she was sober she'd have slept with him so it's a wierd situation. I think rape is what soilders do what vikings did what people who hide i hedges do. I think men can be raped. I think there should be another word that's not rape but it's still disgusting for men who take advantage . I don't want to comment on the Rosemary's thing. I'm
Just saying stuff that I'm thinking

Tigger

Mountainsandh wrote: »

I have a regret/polite sex story similar to hers. Lots of awkwardness, me not wanting to be mean, poor guy was very keen but I really wasn't attracted to him. Drink taken, he came back to my place, I didn't have the guts to have the awkward conversation, so just went ahead with the sex. Which was ridiculous, since I still had to have the conversation the morning after, I did know that I wasn't going to go out with him out of politeness (he had been keen on me a while, but I had him in the friend zone, sort of). Very cringey to think about, not a pleasant thing to remember, felt rotten about it but sure look, I was young, and not very assertive.

In my case the guy was just super keen, but definitely harmless and not pushy either, just like a little enthusiastic doggy I was going to say, but it conjures up a whoooole different set of images :eek: :D:D

Rape ?
Come on.
I could have had the awkward conversation before the sex, that would have sorted my problem, but I just didn't have the guts. Having reluctant sex was a valid option at the time :P

I've always been creeped out by the guys that know that this works
Girls have told me about it and I suppose the difference between men and women is the reason they get Sec
Before I met my wife she had a frien and he thought he was more than a friend but she thought he was a friend
So she slelt with him a couple of times
Years later she was with me and he was calling she told him she was taken and he persisted
She was upfront about the situation it I asked whey she didn't tell him to get the fcuk
She said she didn't want to hurt his feelings

jameorahiely

Tigger wrote: »

I've always been creeped out by the guys that know that this works
Girls have told me about it and I suppose the difference between men and women is the reason they get Sec
Before I met my wife she had a frien and he thought he was more than a friend but she thought he was a friend
So she slelt with him a couple of times
Years later she was with me and he was calling she told him she was taken and he persisted
She was upfront about the situation it I asked whey she didn't tell him to get the fcuk
She said she didn't want to hurt his feelings

Do you have sex with your freinds?

MuffinTop86

Bsically we're all just too thick to empathise with Rosemary's superior intelligence and dreadfully low self-esteem in her promiscuous college days.
But fair play to her for not trying to ruin the man's future life/career prospects. What a selfless act.

hatrickpatrick

Omackeral wrote: »

I'm gonna jump in here and ask this. Is it not weird that consensual sex takes place straight after a sexual assault? Can't wrap my head around that.

I don't believe that it was consensual, but I'm asking those that do if they would at least admit that a sexual assault took place prior to that.

hatrickpatrick

Outlaw Pete wrote: »

Well you should have added those to begin with if you feel they are so crucial to what occured, rather than tritely saying "She said no. He persisted. Case closed."



I have no problem with you adding the above.... but what you fail to grasp is that the last emboldened and underlined one is what makes the sex consenual. I's not rape just because she only said yes to avoid an awkard conversating. At the end of the day she "let him" have sex with her and unless she did so out of fear, then it's not rape.



Laughable nonsense. Her letting him have sex with her negates her refusals before. There immaterial. She consented.

Again, I'm not talking about the sex. Before the sex, the guy committed both sexual harassment and sexual assault by continuing to undress her after she told him not to - that is what he should be charged with, and that is still a serious criminal offence.

hatrickpatrick

Candie wrote: »

I don't think a jury would buy a person kissing someone attacking them, continuing to kiss them, cooperating with undressing, and then deciding to have to have sex with them instead of telling them they don't fancy them. It's far too ambiguous. He could reasonably have thought she was into it, even if it's not as much as he was. It definitely wouldn't give the impression that she was being forced or was unwilling in any way.

The guy was a pushy creep, but he didn't rape her.

Again, I'm talking about before that. If you said "don't do that" to a guy and he ignored you and continued to remove your clothes, would you not regard that in and of itself - regardless of anything that happened afterwards - as a sexual violation?

I sure as f*ck would. Continuing to touch somebody sexually after they've told you not to should, by itself, be easily identifiable as sexual assault.

hatrickpatrick

Omackeral wrote: »

Her mealy mouthed reason of ''I didn't want to have to have an awkward conversation with him'' doesn't wash. Bubblypop, you say some victims let their rapist do it but I don't think they do, I think it's more a case of self preservation in fearing violence or worse. Rosemary felt no fear according to her story, she just didn't wanna have that awky momo with the rebound guy she had sex with last week. Massive difference.

I'm astounded by how many people think rape has to involve physical violence. Genuinely.

Sexual consent is something you actively give, it's not something you "imply" by not refusing it. Not saying no doesn't mean consent, saying yes means consent.

Go back to the wallet analogy from earlier. If somebody reached into your pocket and took your wallet, while you said "don't take that", are you saying that it would cease to count as theft if you didn't bother to chase the thief?

hatrickpatrick

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

I can think of several occasions off the top of my head that went very similarly RMC's story. Situations where I verbally said no but my body language did not. None of those occasions were rape.

How in God's name does that work? Why would you say no if you didn't mean it? Genuinely confused here, this makes no sense.