"Why I did not report my rapist"

infogiver

sara1 wrote: »

I messaged Rosemary about the McGregor article and told her it was out of context and she should change it. She messaged me back and asked me am I going to spend my whole life insisting she alters things she says. I said as long as she writes misguided, misinformed and I'll judged pieces of writing, yes I will. I also told her when she puts something out into the public sphere, guess what people will comment on it. She said "we all know McGregor has said that line about various things, not just MMA". I told her she was wrong and to check out the video. One of these days she'll say the wrong thing about the wrong person and end up with a law suit.

I was raped as a child, continually. If I had thought for one minute that "an awkward conversation" could get me away from this situation, hell I would have grasped that option with both hands. Every time I think about that line she wrote my heart sinks and I want to cry. I started off this thread believing she was raped, and right now I am ashamed I ever felt that way. This thread has had some excellent points from both sides, fair play to everyone who has made their points with more intelligence and articulation than I ever could.

You've 100 times more backbone and guts then that woman will ever ever have. I hope you find the peace and love you deserve.

professore

sara1 wrote: »

I messaged Rosemary about the McGregor article and told her it was out of context and she should change it. She messaged me back and asked me am I going to spend my whole life insisting she alters things she says. I said as long as she writes misguided, misinformed and I'll judged pieces of writing, yes I will. I also told her when she puts something out into the public sphere, guess what people will comment on it. She said "we all know McGregor has said that line about various things, not just MMA". I told her she was wrong and to check out the video. One of these days she'll say the wrong thing about the wrong person and end up with a law suit.

I was raped as a child, continually. If I had thought for one minute that "an awkward conversation" could get me away from this situation, hell I would have grasped that option with both hands. Every time I think about that line she wrote my heart sinks and I want to cry. I started off this thread believing she was raped, and right now I am ashamed I ever felt that way. This thread has had some excellent points from both sides, fair play to everyone who has made their points with more intelligence and articulation than I ever could.

My heart goes out to you. It's with truth and honesty like this that we will defeat rape and expose rapists, not hysterical blog posts about certain kinds of rape that "we love to talk about".

sara1

This post has been deleted.

neonsofa

Person seems to have deleted their post since I replied. Deleted my post.

westernlass

sara1 wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

I agree. I found it helpful to see people want to know more details and ask questions. Not take what's said as read. The more questions asked in society and open discussion the bigger debate difference it'll make in society

capefear

She said she was raped on her blog and other social media. Can the guards now get involved or does she still have to report it for them to get involved. I think there is to much information missing to say if she was raped or if it was a regret shag.

py2006

I'm sure it has already been said here before but the guy in question must be aware of article by now. Her inner circle of friends and family probably know who he is or if not they are gossiping and pointing fingers.

Not a very pleasant situation to be in.

capefear

capefear wrote: »

She said she was raped on her blog and other social media. Can the guards now get involved or does she still have to report it for them to get involved. I think there is to much information missing to say if she was raped or if it was a regret shag.

Almost certainly have to report it, it's rare an investigation is started in the absence of a formal complaint and statement. They would require much more detail, a name for starters.

Buford T. Justice V

Buford T. Justice V wrote: »

According to your definition, it would be perfectly OK for her to be referred to as a rapist. Indeed, for all we know, having heard only one side of the story, something similar may have happened on that night or a proceeding night or a subsequent night. Would he be within his rights to refer to her as a rapist? Is it within his(or her) remit to define what constitutes rape?

That's why we have courts and laws which define meaning of words such as rapist. I don't believe he should call her a rapist and vice versa and consequently I don't believe that she has the right to define the term to suit her own purposes.

And those purposes have been exposed numerous times on this thread.

I feel sorry for her in that she feels hard done by but she has no right to blacken someone elses name so she can earn a living out of it. She made a mistake in taking the easier option on the particular night and now compounds that mistake by accusing an unknowing party of committing a heinous assault on her on the night in question.

She is not going to come out of this smelling of roses and I have little pity for her, tbh, as what happens subsequently was instigated by her.

If I see my neighbour pop over the fence and steal my strimmer, I can call him a thief. Of course, in doing so, I expose myself to the possibility of a defamation case. And further the only place where such accusations are demonstrated beyond reasonable doubt and generate penalties are the Courts. But we don't censure expression so much as to say no one can make an accusation against another.

Help!!!!

So she says 97% of rapists do not get convicted, maybe thats because people like her have diluted so much what rape actually is that when it gets to the court the jury's or judges actually see common sense.

Help!!!!

So Conor McGregor is a part of rape culture because he said a few things about women but I've heard women say much worse but I guess rape culture is only a man thing

Mountainsandh

Deleted User wrote: »

If I see my neighbour pop over the fence and steal my strimmer, I can call him a thief. Of course, in doing so, I expose myself to the possibility of a defamation case. And further the only place where such accusations are demonstrated beyond reasonable doubt and generate penalties are the Courts. But we don't censure expression so much as to say no one can make an accusation against another.

'tis rotten though. Thief is not too bad, but rapist, or paedophile for example, they could destroy someone for life.

retro:electro

Rosemary tweeted last night that this thread has taught her that she was right to not report the rape. I would like to know why she thinks that. I think that was an irresponsible thing to say in her position of "influence".

LightlyGo

Help!!!! wrote: »

So she says 97% of rapists do not get convicted, maybe thats because people like her have diluted so much what rape actually is that when it gets to the court the jury's or judges actually see common sense.

That's not a fair assessment. I cannot speak to the accuracy of those numbers but I do know that people, men, women and children are sadly raped and it has traditionally been very difficult to secure a conviction even when the evidence was strongly suggestive of it being rape. The burden of proof in a criminal trial is that something is proved beyond all reasonable doubt. Rape, outside of very violent cases, is something that is difficult to prove in that manner and in times gone by a horrific burden was placed on victims to do so. For a successful conviction the victim has to undergo very intimate, difficult medical exams very shortly after the assault.
Those things are not easy to undertake at the best of times not to mention when severely traumatised.

Rosemary doesn't mention if that stat included people who do not seek a conviction, and many don't for good reasons, misplaced shame, embarassment, fear of the perpetrator, fear of losing their friends, family, jobs, being too traumatised to even countenance it, losing their standing in the community etc. In relatively recent times the victims reputation was often torn to pieces in court and they saw things like their choice of underwear be brought into evidence as a reflection of their character. Those were horrible times and none of us ever want to see that again for anyone.

It would be really awful if ONE persons story was taken as a measure of the average person who says they have been raped. This thread is testament to the fact that only a very very small few people would ever consider sex given with ANY form of consent at all to be rape. Let's not let this article do anymore damage than it should do.

neonsofa

LightlyGo wrote: »

That's not a fair assessment. I cannot speak to the accuracy of those numbers but I do know that people, men, women and children are sadly raped and it has traditionally been very difficult to secure a conviction even when the evidence was strongly suggestive of it being rape. The burden of proof in a criminal trial is that something is proved beyond all reasonable doubt. Rape, outside of very violent cases, is something that is difficult to prove in that manner and in times gone by a horrific burden was placed on victims to do so. For a successful conviction the victim has to undergo very intimate, difficult medical exams very shortly after the assault.
Those things are not easy to undertake at the best of times not to mention when severely traumatised.

Rosemary doesn't mention if that stat included people who do not seek a conviction, and many don't for good reasons, misplaced shame, embarassment, fear of the perpetrator, fear of losing their friends, family, jobs, being too traumatised to even countenance it, losing their standing in the community etc. In relatively recent times the victims reputation was often torn to pieces in court and they saw things like their choice of underwear be brought into evidence as a reflection of their character. Those were horrible times and none of us ever want to see that again for anyone.

It would be really awful if ONE persons story was taken as a measure of the average person who says they have been raped. This thread is testament to the fact that only a very very small few people would ever consider sex given with ANY form of consent at all to be rape. Let's not let this article do anymore damage than it should do.

Fair play for putting into words what I was unable to articulate myself.

J Mysterio

She is doing a 'Facebook Live' in a few minutes. Topic? Feminism.

I dont really know what Facebook Live is but it seems ill advised.

LightlyGo

LightlyGo wrote: »

That's not a fair assessment.[...]Let's not let this article do anymore damage than it should do.

Very well said LG.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

anna080 wrote: »

Rosemary tweeted last night that this thread has taught her that she was right to not report the rape. I would like to know why she thinks that. I think that was an irresponsible thing to say in her position of "influence".

Had a quick look at her twitter and tbh she needs a dairy farm hand to help her milk this more than she needs a solicitor.
If she was raped - and I say this admitting I'm not her biggest fan ( I was at one stage though) she should have the full support of people, gardai and court. If I believed this was rape, I'd be completely behind her. But rape is not a feeling. Rape is an act. You can't "feel" beaten up. You either were, or you weren't.

I agree it sounds horrible having sex with someone you're not into. We've all been there, I'm sure. Coming to your senses after the fact wondering what the **** you're after doing. Or giving into it when you're not feeling it, going through the motions and hoping to god he hurries up and finishes. That's not nice, it's not enjoyable, you're not going to get up from that feeling like the whole world moved.

But that doesn't make it rape. The moment you decide to have sex because it's easier than saying "I don't fancy you", that's a bad decision, that is you making poor choices. And you don't deserve to be punished for a poor choice, or feel bad for a poor choice. Hell - some of us have entire lives that are perpetually bad choices, and everybody deserves to be happy and to live a life that they're not haunted by unwise or juvenile choices they made years ago.

He should have stopped when she said no. But she should have stopped kissing him. He should have stopped when she said no to undressing, she should have not assisted him. She says, in her own words, she felt it was easier to have sex than be mean to him.

She wasn't to know she'd be still thinking about the encounter 15 years later. She is still clearly torn up about the incident and I do hope she finds away to make peace with it, let it go, or deal with it through therapy because it doesn't matter how the majority of us agree it's not rape, we have no right to tell her how to feel, beyond that "rape is not a feeling".

So, if she feels she should have reported it, let her explain what happened to professionals who persue these cases, and let them inform her if she has a case or not. If she feels she made the right choice in not reporting it, then she needs to persue the appropriate avenues to help her come to terms with that night.

I think how she chose to bring this to light was extremely ill thought out and very dangerous, showing little regard to how many people she may possibly hurt with an accusation that is incredibly hard for any individual to clear their names from. She's not only left the man in the topic vulnerable but she's left any young lad that associated with her around that time open to rumours too. She needs to take a little bit of responsibility for herself. For back then, for how she published this and how she conducted herself.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

Help!!!!

LightlyGo wrote: »

That's not a fair assessment. I cannot speak to the accuracy of those numbers but I do know that people, men, women and children are sadly raped and it has traditionally been very difficult to secure a conviction even when the evidence was strongly suggestive of it being rape. The burden of proof in a criminal trial is that something is proved beyond all reasonable doubt. Rape, outside of very violent cases, is something that is difficult to prove in that manner and in times gone by a horrific burden was placed on victims to do so. For a successful conviction the victim has to undergo very intimate, difficult medical exams very shortly after the assault.
Those things are not easy to undertake at the best of times not to mention when severely traumatised.

Rosemary doesn't mention if that stat included people who do not seek a conviction, and many don't for good reasons, misplaced shame, embarassment, fear of the perpetrator, fear of losing their friends, family, jobs, being too traumatised to even countenance it, losing their standing in the community etc. In relatively recent times the victims reputation was often torn to pieces in court and they saw things like their choice of underwear be brought into evidence as a reflection of their character. Those were horrible times and none of us ever want to see that again for anyone.

It would be really awful if ONE persons story was taken as a measure of the average person who says they have been raped. This thread is testament to the fact that only a very very small few people would ever consider sex given with ANY form of consent at all to be rape. Let's not let this article do anymore damage than it should do.

Sorry I think you misunderstood, what I meant was that people like Rosemary make it harder for real rape victims to get justice. We all have to be responsible for our actions, if you have sex with someone because you cant be bothered to say you dont fancy the person then your not a rape victim. Then to put it out on the internet years later for whatever fame she thinks shes going to get shows her what sort of person she is

Dick phelan

I'll probably get flack for this but i honestly believe the entire thing is a lie a made up story to gain publicity and appeal to her target market, Same way Lena Dunham made up false allegations to try sell her book. She wasn't raped even if her version of events is a true story it wasn't rape, we're going down a very dangerous road where people seem to be allowed withdraw consent after sex, basically i regret having sex with someone therefore i was raped. Regret is not Rape and you can't go around throwing the word rape and rapist around it's one of the worst things someone can possibly be accused of disgusting article disgusting woman.

hatrickpatrick

Narkydonkey Whattado wrote: »

But you see, she knew she could have stopped things from happening by clarifying the "no" - she knew she had that option.

The word "no" doesn't need clarification. It's absolutely unambiguous.

Should he have stopped and asked if she was ok when she said "no"? Of course he should have.

Stopped and asked if she was ok? He should have stopped period. The moment he chose to continue even after she said no is the exact moment the encounter became a sexual assault, and absolutely nothing which happened afterwards can change that.

hatrickpatrick

Narkydonkey Whattado wrote: »

If I had the option to stop the undressing and the subsequent sexual intercourse (and by the blogger's own admission - she was aware of having that option) by saying "look mate, I'm sorry but it's not gonna happen, I just don't feel that way about you" but instead decided to say nothing out of "misguided sense of politeness" (blogger's own words), then no, I wouldn't call it rape. I would call it a shítty decision.

But she did say that. Repeatedly. And the guy kept going. At that exact moment, he committed sexual assault and sexual harassment. Whatever happened afterwards is irrelevant - she said no and he continued.

hatrickpatrick

anna080 wrote: »

Love that MMA Ireland called out her hypocrisy on Twitter over complaining that her "character is being dissected", they said she dissected Conor Mc Gregor's character on a blog post yesterday. Her defense is "but he publicly said mysoginistic things about women". She fails to see the correlation, the hypocrisy and the contradiction. The more she opens her mouth the more she should keep it shut.

Out of interest, what did she say about McGregor?

Buford T. Justice XIX

[Deleted User] wrote: »

If I see my neighbour pop over the fence and steal my strimmer, I can call him a thief. Of course, in doing so, I expose myself to the possibility of a defamation case. And further the only place where such accusations are demonstrated beyond reasonable doubt and generate penalties are the Courts. But we don't censure expression so much as to say no one can make an accusation against another.

Do you go to your neighbour and explain that you don't want him taking your strimmer or do you log onto the parish website and accuse a neighbour in Winton Terrace of stealing your strummer while you acknowledge you didn't make it clear he couldn't take it anymore after saying he could take it previously?

We're not going to agree on this Conor. I think she handled it poorly to begin with and is now building on that first mistake.

This is going to blow up in her face, I think, and it's not gong to go well for her. However aggrieved she now feels, she hasn't acknowledged her share of fault as she pointed out in the OP.

Should he have stopped? Probably, despite the mixed signals.

But she was the one giving mixed signals and there is no sign of her taking responsibility for that.

hatrickpatrick

professore wrote: »

If a "friend" is trying to get you to take heroin, and you say no a couple of times, but continue to ask about the heroin, what it feels like to take it, etc, and finally you take some, and get addicted, are you not responsible at all for taking it and was forced into it? Because that's what you are arguing here. The friend giving you the heroin can't read your mind, if you just take it to make him happy you are an idiot.

If a "friend" is trying to get me to take heroin and I say no a couple of times and then the friend, ignoring my "no" proceeds to roll up my sleeve and stick a needle into my arm, I have not "taken" anything, I have been given the heroin, against my will. People are acting as if she took his hands and put them on her body - he put them there after she told him not to. That is sexual assault.

hatrickpatrick

Buford T. Justice V wrote: »

Do you go to your neighbour and explain that you don't want him taking your strimmer or do you log onto the parish website and accuse a neighbour in Winton Terrace of stealing your strummer while you acknowledge you didn't make it clear he couldn't take it anymore after saying he could take it previously?

What if you say to your neighbour "don't take that, it's mine" and he ignored you and takes it anyway? Is he less guilty of theft just because you didn't physically chase after him and wrestle it from his hands?

Buford T. Justice V

Buford T. Justice V wrote: »

...do you log onto the parish website and accuse a neighbour in Winton Terrace of stealing your strummer...

We're not going to agree on this Conor...

Obviously not, the fecker took my strimmer and you say he took my strummer!

Hattickpatrick would you let your friend roll up your sleeve and stick the needle in just to avoid having an awkward conversation?

hatrickpatrick

Omackeral wrote: »

Hattickpatrick would you let your friend roll up your sleeve and stick the needle in just to avoid having an awkward conversation?

Of course not, but if I'd said no and he did it anyway then my actions would be irrelevant, he would have done it against my will. Whether I took action to stop him doesn't affect whether I gave my consent, and if I have verbally made it clear that I do not consent, that's the end of the story as far as consent goes.