Girlfriend spends all her money and then relies on me for the basics

Scarinae

Reading your post I’ve wondered why you’re putting up with this behaviour – is there any chance that you feel you’re punching above your weight with her, and that’s why you’re staying in the relationship?

I might be wrong, but the reason I’ve brought it up is because it reminds me of a guy I know who was in a similar dynamic with one of his girlfriends - he was so dazzled by having someone so beautiful choosing to be with him that he would have done anything for her, and he paid for loads of things while they were in a relationship. He saw them as having a long-term future, so in his mind it didn’t make sense letting her get into ridiculous debt because he saw it as ‘their’ money instead of ‘his’ money. She eventually left him for someone with more money (I guess she could leech more from him), leaving my friend thousands out of pocket and also totally crushed.

Now this might not apply to your relationship, but the fact that you said everything is amazing apart from the money thing (which is a pretty big thing by the way) is you ignoring her flaws and the way she’s treating you. Do you not think that you deserve to be treated better by someone who is meant to love you?

Barely Hedged

FedUpWithBeingBroke wrote: »

In fairness, the one thing she does do is ensure her rent (which is less than mine) is paid, but the place is unlivable until she gets the gas and electricity issue sorted and she's ignored it so long that what was once a manageable bill has turned into an intimidating arrear.

Her parents pay her rent for her, that's why it's always paid but the variable costs aren't.

You sound like a nice bloke and smart so be smart and wake up and realise you're being taken for a mug and walk away. I'm afraid the fact that you didn't cop that about rent is a damming indictment of how you've analysed the situation to date - very poorly

topmanamillion

You`re being taken for a ride here OP.
Tell her she has to go to MABs and get help with her debt and money management advice.
If she`s not willing to change get out of there as quickly as possibly.

bucketybuck

I hope she is riding you in bed as hard as she is riding you in real life.

Jesus christ OP listen to the things you are saying, you are being made a fool of and need to consider something, where does this relationship go? Buy a house with her? Have kids with her? Do you think this scenario survives the realities of a mortgage or creche fees?

Face reality OP, before it smacks you hard.

Ursus Horribilis

bucketybuck wrote: »

Jesus christ OP listen to the things you are saying, you are being made a fool of and need to consider something, where does this relationship go? Buy a house with her? Have kids with her?

At the rate this is going, this pair have about as much chance of getting a mortgage as the Loch Ness monster. If the OP continues to enable fund his girlfriend, they're not going to have two coins to rub together. If she's ignoring/hiding from banks and debt collecting agencies, her credit record is toast. http://www.icb.ie/credit_rating.php

BettePorter

The above point about her parents paying her rent is spot on . No way she's neglecting every other aspect of bills but paying this when she has u to live with anyway. They're either paying the rent or they own the house ...... In which case she as even more disposable income than u first thought .

JustAThought

She isn't that wonderful - and her behaviour of you is quite shocking. You are a facility in every way - heat, light, lunches, handy cash handouts, food & board, probably drink & taxis - o - and you add at least 30% to her salary because she can spend hers to the max while leaning on you to subsidise her needs after she has blown hers.

She will quickly prioritise her gas and lx if she has to live there in the cold. She dosn't sound like a woman who likes to go without. So make her stand in her own two feet. Tell her that you cannot pay her way for her & that you feel totally used . Tell her she can no longer stay or come over to your place & you need the key back. She has to live in her place & prioritise to pay own her heat & LX immediately. Her parents or family can sort out her other debts if she is afraid of bailifs or debt collectors - you do not want to be involved in her debt.

You are still in the very early stages of a relationship that , although she is funny and beautiful and entertaining, has quickly turmed very sour financially, and her childish emotionally controlling responses and attitudes are very worrying in an almost 30 year old woman.

You know her a year. I wonder where she was & who she was living off up to know & how that all ended? You can be sure this frenzied luxury spending & refusal to pay basic bills did not hapoen suddenly & is not a new thing. You are pissibly just another link in a long chain of men she has used & burned her way through.

By removing her from access to your flat you force her to deal with food/heat/gas/rent etc & make her budget. You are supposed to be having the fun, loving, happy early days with her - instead she is blowing yiur savings, treating you like a spoiled daughter & being manipulative & utterly selfish. Of course she knows. And once she realises the cash cow has stopped she will show her true colours by paying her way for herself because she has to, or moving on because ' you are so mean'.

Her attitude that you outlined over the USA holiday is frankly horrifying & is dark and worrying. Who does she think you are to treat you like this & make these kind of expectations on you? You deserve to be able to live worry free & not be her father nagging figure or a money coach to a 30yr old working professional. She is taking you for a ride under the guise of helpless & beautiful - and knows exactly what she is doing. Tell her to go back to her flat & live there off her salary & that you will arrange to meet her for dates ; if she has no money you can meet for romantic walks in the park or use the dublin events guide.ie to organise free days out & events - and no meals or drinks. You will quickly see if it is you she loves, or your handy sympathy and easy access salary.
Do not even dream of booking a holiday with her. Tell her she is not in a financial place to have one & you do not want to go away with her as given her behaviour to date wuth money that it will be a stressful disaster for you & you deserve better.

Is she Irish?

dellas1979

She doesnt sound that wonderful OP. Because she is putting your future at risk (see below), never mind hers. It is possible in many ways ye are compatible, but one major one, ye are not.

Just to add some practical and real world scenarios here, at some stage if you are serious about marriage etc, her debt will become yours. Go for a house as a joint applicant? No way. Bank wont touch you because of her. Apply for a loan? Not a chance. If you or she lost your jobs...Throw kids into the mix. Nervous break down. Is this what this wonderful person wants for you? Is this what you want for yourself?

And it will all be blamed on you.

Edit: She is the only one who can change herself. Not you. Her. While you are enabling her, this is not going to happen.

At most, she should organise a finance consultation with her bank. And from a formal setting, this might be enough to shock her into realising what she is doing. The reality of what she is doing now has consequences for her (and your) future.

sReq | uTeK

Sorry to say but you're being mugged off. And to be honest you're naive to think otherwise

SB_Part2

If she's going to continue to live in your place and eat your food tell her the day she gets paid that you need money towards it. If she doesn't give you money then stop buying her food. Buy stuff for yourself and let her fend for herself. I guarantee you she'll come up with the money somehow so she doesn't starve.

Strawberry Swan

You sound like a nice guy and no doubt your girlfriend has good qualities that attracted you to her but the ideal of her in your head is blinding you to her as she really is.

You sound angry which is a good start to standing up for yourself. I think Bigbagofchips hit the nail on the head when he compared her shopping habits to alcohol addiction. Shopping too much like she does is most likely an actual addiction problem. And people like her with addictions, rely on enablers to avoid facing up to the consequences of their issues.

Not living on her own is her not facing up to her problems. And they seem very deep seated by not only how reluctant she is to accept help from you but throws any reference to the money issue (not being able to go to America) back in your face.

This isn't love. It's emotional and financial manipulation. You can't make her face reality or change but you can stop enabling her. This is your choice.

suicide_circus

You're being abused OP and I use that term literally. Ultimatum time. If she actually cares about you enough to change her ways she will. If not, she'll move in to the next poor sucker.

JustAThought

suicide_circus wrote: »

You're being abused OP and I use that term literally. Ultimatum time. If she actually cares about you enough to change her ways she will. If not, she'll move in to the next poor sucker.

I wonder what knick-knacks, tops and perfumes are so important to her that she will treat you like this.

Penelope Petra

You clearly love this girl and don't want to break up with her but it is clear that you cannot go on like this either.

You mentioned that she had a privileged upbringing and obviously she has never really learned the value of money, so I don't think she is deliberately behaving this way, you are obviously a kind person and whether she means to or not she is taking extreme advantage of that.

If she really wants to change then tell her that you are worried about your future, explain to her about how important it is to clear her bad debts or she may never be able to get a loan to buy a house etc. Offer to sit down with her and help her come up with a monthly budget and offer to take her atm/credit cards for a month to help her avoid temptation. I know that might not feel comfortable but maybe that's what she needs just to get her back on track. Giving her your money whenever her runs out is not really helping her in the long run of she has a problem managing money.

I don't know her, you do, giving her the benefit of the doubt, then maybe it makes her feel bad when she sees debt collectors letters etc and maybe having a bit of money left at the end of the month will make her feel good and encourage her to keep going.

Either way this is a pretty heavy problem for 1 year in and you can't go on without something changing. Best of luck.

JustAThought

Penelope Petra wrote: »

You clearly love this girl and don't want to break up with her but it is clear that you cannot go on like this either.

You mentioned that she had a privileged upbringing and obviously she has never really learned the value of money, so I don't think she is deliberately behaving this way, you are obviously a kind person and whether she means to or not she is taking extreme advantage of that.

If she really wants to change then tell her that you are worried about your future, explain to her about how important it is to clear her bad debts or she may never be able to get a loan to buy a house etc. Offer to sit down with her and help her come up with a monthly budget and offer to take her atm/credit cards for a month to help her avoid temptation. I know that might not feel comfortable but maybe that's what she needs just to get her back on track. Giving her your money whenever her runs out is not really helping her in the long run of she has a problem managing money.

I don't know her, you do, giving her the benefit of the doubt, then maybe it makes her feel bad when she sees debt collectors letters etc and maybe having a bit of money left at the end of the month will make her feel good and encourage her to keep going.

Either way this is a pretty heavy problem for 1 year in and you can't go on without something changing. Best of luck.

I wouldn't be giving her the benefit of any doubt - she is an (almost) 30 year old in a good salary with an entitlement complex who has no qualms demanding holidays to America & sulking & using emotional manipulation & guilt-play on her Boyfriend when she dosn't get her way. She sounds like a selfish spoilt user. And her boyfriend is not her jailer or bank manager & shoukd not be sucked further into her selfish spending by hilding her cards or doling out the salary if this 30 y-old working professional - who will no doubt continue her spending, money hiding & selfish behaviour. He is supposed to be having romantic nights, having fun, enjoying the new romance and getting the benefit of a new romance & a good career - instead she has him on the poverty line, struggling , with none of The salary he has earned available to him - why - because she thinks she has a right to behave the way she has & has no conscience about what she is doing to him. Frankly he should pull right back from her & not be involved in any way in anything to do with her debt or finances.

She has already sucked him and his salary & his disposable money into her feckless spending & has put him in a bad poverty ridden situation because she refuses to deny herself anything ir pay her way or pay for the services she uses in her own house - gas, electricity etc - and that's before she also runs up bilks in his flat too. He needs to step right back from this situation & distance himself from all of it. She sounds like a selfish nightmare & an absolute manipulative user who dosn't care who she burns or what the consequences are for anyone else so long as she can have what she wants and buy whatever she wants & eat & drink whatever she wants & have someone pay for holidays she wants, etc.

No wonder she is so funny and beautiful and at 28/9 was still available. It didn' t take her long in this relationship to get so badly into debt and show her true colours to him - my bet is she has been treating people like this all throughout her twenties & now thinks it is a normal way to behave . She is not an addict - she is selfish , self entitled & a manipulative user & probably has been all her adult life, sadly.

She may be beautiful on borrowed money for clothes and fun and good craic when she is out drinking & eating spending someone else's money but alone at home it is all tears & hysteria & selfish spending & entitlement. Not such a great catch. OP - you are entitled to a lot better and you can do a lot better for yourself and your future.

bucketybuck

Penelope Petra wrote: »

so I don't think she is deliberately behaving this way

Do you think when she is standing at the till handing over money she doesn't have that she doesn't know the consequences? That when she is ordering the latest thing online that she doesn't remember the other bills?

She is a grown woman with a career, she is not stupid, and my guess is she knows full well that when she is handing over that money it has to come from somewhere.

The problem is that she is being enabled by the OP, so when that question pops into her head there is an easy answer, just get him to pay for it and who cares what he thinks.

Big Bag of Chips

JustAThought wrote: »

she is an (almost) 30 year old in a good salary with an entitlement complex who has no qualms demanding holidays to America & sulking & using emotional manipulation & guilt-play on her Boyfriend when she disn't get her way.

I don't think she's demanding holidays. I think she is unrealistically planning a holiday, and OP is realistically pointing out that she won't be able to afford it. She is then getting defensive and burying her head in the sand shrugging off that he is 'going on about money again'. This girl has no concept of money. Her whole life things she wanted have just materialised because others paid for them. This is continuing well into adulthood.

Often threads in here get very heated about asking adult children to contribute to the household costs. I think this is a prime example of what can happen when adult children are molly-coddled at home. They move out and rather than be responsible independent adults they find someone else who will molly-coddle them. Parents who don't teach (some) children that living costs money are doing a disservice to everyone their 'child' will live with in future.

I'm just wondering if you live alone, OP, or you have housemates? If you have housemates I'm sure they're not too happy with also subsidising your gf, by paying heating bills etc that she's using and not contributing too. Whatever about you deciding to carry her. They shouldn't be expected to.

MrMorooka

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

She is not living independently. She is living in your house, eating food you buy, using heating, water, electricity you pay for etc because she didn't think she had to pay for her own. As said above, she moved away and became "independent" of mam and dad by moving in with and becoming dependent on you. They're probably delighted, telling everyone how well she's doing!!

In fairness, this used to be completely normal. The daughter moves in a husband young and is supported by him. It's a very, very recent and modern thing that everyone needs to have a period living independently after moving out from parents, especially for women. It's not a rule, and some people are still ok with the older way of doing things. Often parents have that attitude too, they want their daughters to marry of to a nice guy who will support them(and her in-laws..). But I guess that doesn't apply to OP, since his gf's actions are bothering him.

LLMMLL

While I think most people are right in saying there are major problems in this relationship and the OP should get out while he can, it doesn't sound like she's malicious or consciously taking advantage.

It sounds like once she's quickly burned through her cash in a week or so, they BOTH spend the next 3 weeks not being able to live it up. If she was some kind of gold digger she'd be with someone who could fund her lifestyle.

osarusan

Main issue for me is that even after discussions on budgets and having it pointed out that her spending is unsustainable, she doesn't show any indication that she recognises a reason to change in any way. She doesn't seem to care what her boyfriend thinks.

She's like a kid that apologises after getting caught doing something bold - but they're only apologising because they got caught this time. Actually, they're not remorseful at all, and they'll do it again when they have a chance.

There seems to be a cycle of 'spend how I like - boyfriend supports me when I've no money left - he gets annoyed about it - I say sorry, very sorry, change my ways for sure - then my next paycheck arrives, woo-hoo.'

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

blairbear

MrMorooka wrote: »

In fairness, this used to be completely normal. The daughter moves in a husband young and is supported by him. It's a very, very recent and modern thing that everyone needs to have a period living independently after moving out from parents, especially for women. It's not a rule, and some people are still ok with the older way of doing things. Often parents have that attitude too, they want their daughters to marry of to a nice guy who will support them(and her in-laws..). But I guess that doesn't apply to OP, since his gf's actions are bothering him.

I don't think you're giving enough credit to the last few generations of women. My mother is 62 and was completely independent of her parents from the age of 19, working as a teacher. She didn't get married for another ten years. Her mother before her worked also prior to and during her marriage.

Being dependent on a husband or boyfriend is very much the exception, not the norm, and it was the exception 40 years ago also. All of my friend's mothers have been career women. It's NOT that recent or modern, and I can think of nobody I know who would find this set up acceptable or understandable.

Spanish Eyes

I think I read that she has her own place already that is empty most of the time.

Is there a reason you cannot move back to her place that the parents are paying for, and let out your place and save the rent?

Why has she kept her own place anyway? Paid for by parents so that's ok. Mad waste of a place though isn't it?

Why have you not questioned that.

As I was typing I just thought I recalled this, apologies if I am wrong about GF having another place paid for.

Penelope Petra

bucketybuck wrote: »

Do you think when she is standing at the till handing over money she doesn't have that she doesn't know the consequences? That when she is ordering the latest thing online that she doesn't remember the other bills?

She is a grown woman with a career, she is not stupid, and my guess is she knows full well that when she is handing over that money it has to come from somewhere.

The problem is that she is being enabled by the OP, so when that question pops into her head there is an easy answer, just get him to pay for it and who cares what he thinks.

I just mean that I think there are sometimes other deeper issues driving someone's behaviour aside from what might seem obvious. It may not be the case with the girl but I suppose OP doesn't want to break up with her, arguing with her over it isn't working, he doesn't want to cut her off so there isn't that many options left.

kylith

MrMorooka wrote: »

In fairness, this used to be completely normal. The daughter moves in a husband young and is supported by him. It's a very, very recent and modern thing that everyone needs to have a period living independently after moving out from parents, especially for women. It's not a rule, and some people are still ok with the older way of doing things. Often parents have that attitude too, they want their daughters to marry of to a nice guy who will support them(and her in-laws..). But I guess that doesn't apply to OP, since his gf's actions are bothering him.

Except that at the period in time that that was completely normal women were expected to give up work as soon as they got married, so it's a completely different situation really.

OP: I've been thinking about this and as far as I can see you have 6 options:

1) Break up with her, she is bleeding you dry.

2) As you have tried talking to her with no success try having a blazing row instead; focusing on the themes "I feel like a walking ATM when you blow your money and then rely on me financially" and "my salary doesn’t stretch to the needs to two people". Tell her in no uncertain terms to cop herself on or GTFO.

3) On the day she is paid hand her a bill for 50% of everything: rent, electricity, heating, food, the lot. She wants to live with you, grand, but she pays her way. She hands up the money for that and then she can do what she wants with the rest of her wages on the understanding that if she runs out then you will not give her a penny.

4) If she asks for money just say no. Make up a reason if you like: Car expenses, medical bills, card got skimmed, just can't afford to, whatever. If she complains then say something like 'Mary, you earn as much as I do. I can't afford to subsidise your life. If you can't afford lunches then you need to sort out your budget.' If she continues to go on about it tell her to go back to her parents. Doesn't want to because she's independent? Remind her that she is not; you pay all the bills.

5) Tell her that you think she has a problem and insist she gets professional help from MABS, or a counsellor for her shopaholic problem. You will probably have to pay for this though.

6) Do nothing. Say nothing. Pay all her bills for the foreseeable future. Maybe marry her and pay off her creditors. Never be able to afford a house, a new car, or a nice holiday. Watch your friends and family bite their lips for the rest of your life with her.

Bottom line is that she is not an innocent in this. The money is not evaporating from her account, she is spending it. Barring a mental issue she is fully aware of this. She does nothing to curb her spending because why should she? When (not if) she runs out then you'll look after the rest. She has no impetus to change her behaviour because there are no consequences to her behaviour and she knows that as soon as she turns on the waterworks you'll back down.

Next time she tells you that you "don't want her to have anything to look forward to" don't apologise, don't back down, don't hug her and tell her it'll be alright, and definitely don't get your card out. Look her in the eye and tell her calmly that the fact she spent €1,500 in a week on clothes, beanie babies, or whatever is the reason she can't have anything to look forward to.

Bandana boy

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

I think I read that she has her own place already that is empty most of the time.

Is there a reason you cannot move back to her place that the parents are paying for, and let out your place and save the rent? .

OP states she pays her own rent , its a poster here surmised that her parents are paying the rent , as there is not enough problems in op without imagining/inventing some more

rcarroll

any chance you're looking for a new/second girlfriend? Where do women find guys like you, willing to pay for everything? Wouldn't it be cheaper to go to a prostitute?

I have to say I can't understand how this situation is possible in today's society - women are supposed to believe in equality, men too! So why do you feel you have to pay for a woman? And honestly, she should be ashamed of herself to think it's ok to abuse her boyfriend to the extent that she's doing, using you for your money and unable to stand on her own two feet. And don't for a minute believe she's not aware/capable of budgeting, that only reflects badly on you to think an adult isn't intelligent enough to plan her spending better. If she has a job, she's not an idiot, even a child knows if he/she spends all their pocketmoney on the first day they'll have nothing left for later.

Sleepy

Run OP. Run as fast as you can.