Girlfriend spends all her money and then relies on me for the basics

LegacyUser

I've been going out with this amazing girl for about a year now and all is going well except for one thing: she is terrible with money. I should explain that she was raised in a let’s just say privileged atmosphere where I fully believe she had her material needs looked after by her wealthy parents well into her 20's. She’s now working in a decent job, gets no parental support and by all measures except one is coping well with independent life. There is just one problem – she hasn’t gotten out of the old spending habits and it always hugely effects my life when this happens.

We earn similar amounts each month, but she doesn’t budget no matter how much I try to help her and encourage her to do so. So she gets paid and has the whole paycheque blown between the end of the first week and the end of the first week and a half. For the rest of the month we’re both living hand to mouth off my salary alone because she did that and consequently I can’t save for anything. Every month she promises the next one will be different and every month it’s the same thing. I’ve had to go as far as doling out her daily lunch money over a period of at least 2 weeks for every one of the 3 months because by the end she hadn’t even a few euros a day left for that!

She’s 28 years old but sometimes I feel like I’m dealing with a child when it comes to these things – she’s talking about us going away to the US in the summer but the bank are knocking down her door and debt collectors giving her phone calls over an unpaid overdraft (because of course, she decided to bin their initial letters without opening them and ignore their initial calls unbeknownst to me until recently) and so when I remind her of this and suggest that she deals with her debts first before we talk about luxury holiday spending she gets upset that I’m “not letting her look forward to anything”.

She has to basically live with me because she didn’t keep enough money to top up her gas metre so her place is freezing, and the electricity company is about to cut her off because she ignored those bills too. In fairness, the one thing she does do is ensure her rent (which is less than mine) is paid, but the place is unlivable until she gets the gas and electricity issue sorted and she's ignored it so long that what was once a manageable bill has turned into an intimidating arrear.

I am absolutely certain that she is not doing this on purpose – she goes through bouts of intense guilt about running out of money or not acknowledging her responsibilities or being financially reliant on me despite earning the same amount. I feel like it’s difficult to talk to her about it though because every time I bring it up she goes into “I knew you’d throw this back at me” mode. That said we have had many conversations about it because to be honest, I think unless a major change in attitude happens her debts are going to swallow her whole and it’s constantly stressing both of us the fcuk out.

I love her to bits and it’s difficult because she is a genuinely caring and generous person but she needs to grow up and take some responsibility for her own life. Cutting her off in this situation isn’t an option because I couldn’t leave anyone without basics but with the best will in the world I can’t help but feel like a walking ATM when she blows her money and then relies on me financially because she was irresponsible and to be honest my salary doesn’t stretch to the needs to two people easily anyway – as a result her life is a cycle of feast and spend, or famine as we both try to get by on what I can afford. When she goes on her spending sprees and doesn’t leave enough for herself to survive on she can’t seem to make the connection ahead of time that it means that we now BOTH have to spend the next 2/3 weeks on the breadline to get by – I have no problem doing this if I’m saving for something but it’s just to get us both by until the end of the month and there is absolutely no need for this to be the case on her salary.

I’ve tried talking to her but I think it’s a real problem for her and consequently me and nothing seems to change. Breaking up isn’t an option I’m considering so what can I do about this?

cactusgal

What would she do if she wasn't going out with you? Genuine question.

Oh, and she's fully aware of what she's doing, by the way. Unless she has severe special needs, she's 100% aware that stuff costs money and when you spend money, then it's gone. And then there's boyfriend's money.

I absolutely despise leeches, so I wouldn't be able to be in a relationship with someone like that, but everyone has different standards.

At least stop giving her money. See how long she sticks around and then reassess the relationship.

You sound like a kind person, don't let yourself be taken advantage of.

Neyite

Ok.

You say breaking up isn't an option.
She's no interest in changing her behaviour by herself. Why would she, she's just replaced Mam & Dad with you to bail her out every month.
Nor is talking to her about it an option because you get accused of throwing it back in her face. Or being a killjoy and not letting her look forward to anything.


So yes, you are all out of options. Unless you have the option for you to earn more to fund her spending habits. You get married, she'll want the dream wedding and you'll be expected to pay for it otherwise you'll be blamed for standing in the way of her dream. And on and on... it will always be 'your' fault. Not hers. She's spoiled you see.

Alternatively, you could break up with her, let her get a flat share where that kind of crap wont fly with the others, and let her grow up a bit.

Big Bag of Chips

Your first paragraph completely contradicts the rest of your post. She is not living independently. She is living in your house, eating food you buy, using heating, water, electricity you pay for etc because she didn't think she had to pay for her own. As said above, she moved away and became "independent" of mam and dad by moving in with and becoming dependent on you. They're probably delighted, telling everyone how well she's doing!!

And she is emotionally manipulating you beautifully. As soon as you try to be the reasonable one the tears start and she brings on the guilt trip. You've tried discussing it. You've tried getting her to realise she needs to budget. You've tried getting her to realise she can't go to America if she can't afford her own fecking lunch money for 3 out of 4 weeks of the month. Talking to her isn't going to make her change. It hasn't happened up to this, so why would it change now?

I understand what you mean about not being able to cut her off. It would be next to impossible to do whilst in a relationship. Your only options are accept this is the way it's going to be. Or end it.

Owryan

Run, run away very fast. She sees you as a handy source of extra cash. The fact she says she will change but never does should tell you all you need to know

IrishZeus

Have you considered just threatening to break up with her if she doesn't change? It will quickly give you an idea of which is more important to her - you or your money.

lawred2

Sounds like you're being mugged off

Gavinz

I've never posted here but had to log in.

OP, she's treating your salary as an extension of her own, because you've allowed and therefore enabled this behaviour.

I was awful with money when I was in my early twenties and it took living alone and red letters to snap me out of this mammied nonsense.

You don't want to break up with her? That's fine.

But she needs a reality check.

How you do that is up to you, but I wouldn't be putting up with it from a near 30 year old woman. Crazy.

Surreptitious

She's emotionally blackmailing you into subsidising her lifestyle. Just refuse to bail her out again. If we all went on like her society would crumble. She needs to grow up and stop making a fool out of you.

retro:electro

What does she spend all her money on? I can't believe she manages to spend her whole salary in one week. That is outrageous. She will never change op, not as long as you keep bailing her out. You say she gets bouts of guilt, I'd wager that she can't feel too guilty because she wouldn't keep doing this. She has a major problem and tbh whether you're aware of it or not you're enabling it.

Also, I wouldn't be so sure that she still isn't going to her parents for money. If she's leeching off you she's probably leeching off them too, she's just not telling you.

Bambi985

1. Cut her off. Stop feeling sorry for her, she has the exact same salary as you so has the means to budget like any other adult, she just hasn't so far because you are there as a handy little safety net. Seriously. CUT. HER. OFF. No lunch money, no staying at your place permanently, no dinner dates and nights out as long as her funds have run out. Let her feel the full force of having nothing in her bank account. Then and only then will she begin to take her finances seriously (or run back to the Bank of Daddy, but this is the only choice you have)

2. Give her an ultimatum. A last resort option by all standards, but money is pretty integral to a relationship and will definitely break you up in the end anyway if she doesn't change her ways. Money is the main cause of divorce and the way you are living is not sustainable. Your quality of life in the longterm is in jeopardy if you don't have the chance to save and afford a house, car, wedding, family, holidays, all the things I'm sure you aspire to. Make it very clear to her that a lack of effort to change means the end of the relationship. Do it today.

3. Find a personal finances course or class for you both to attend together. Maybe suggest it as part of the ultimatum. Something that will get her on the road to clearing her debt and copping the hell on with her spending.

If none of the above work, then you'll have to break up with her. If you have any goals, plans or aspirations for the years ahead, you can scrap them all if you stay with her. She is actively sh1tting all over you and your future with this carry on.

Airyfairy12

OP I know so many women just like your girlfriend, they all play the poor me card, act helpless and innocent like they want to change yet continue to spend their partners money and it only gets worse, she'll end up moving in with you and 'accidently' spend the electricity bill money or the rent on makeup, getting her hair done, new clothes. Its happened with every girl I know thats like this, their partners work really hard all week and she spends his money,every one of them that moved in with their partner ended up contributing nothing to the household or at the least very little towards rent and bills.
She knows exactly what she's doing.
She's so used to getting everything handed to her, she's learned how to manipulate to get what she wants, it could be so natural to her she doesnt even realise shes doing it. Unless she's a total idiot she can cut back on her spending a bit to pay her bills but she knows she doesnt have to because she can sponge off you instead.

Gavinz

Bambi985 wrote: »

1. Cut her off. Stop feeling sorry for her, she has the exact same salary as you so has the means to budget like any other adult, she just hasn't so far because you are there as a handy little safety net. Seriously. CUT. HER. OFF. No lunch money, no staying at your place permanently, no dinner dates and nights out as long as her funds have run out. Let her feel the full force of having nothing in her bank account. Then and only then will she begin to take her finances seriously

From personal experience, this is great advice, this happened to me when I was over reliant on my girlfriend after leaving my mother's house.

The girl left.

It literally took me nearly starving and losing about a stone before I accepted the real world.

redfox123

Ok if you're not going to end it this is my advice. Say to her that you want a little chat about money. Say you've been really stressing out lately and it's affecting everything for you so something needs to change, and since she spends all her time at yours then a budget will have to be drawn up and really stuck to because you can't go on in the relationship as is.
You probably think it's too early to talk like this but reality is you're practically living together. You're lucky that your salaries are similar so that makes budgeting easier and you can pretty much split everything down the middle. Be prepared and have your outgoings on food etc all written down and say both of you will need to contribute X amount per week towards food (stick an envelope on the fridge for food and both of you put whatever is needed, say 40/50 each at beginning of each week) Think about how much you spend for both of you after her first week of spending, and let her know how much it's costing you. I'm saying this on the presumption she is living with you (not formally but she would be there most of week).
Also say the electricity bills have been high since she's been there and would appreciate contribution to this too. She will object to this but stick to your guns and say you can't go on on the bread line every month because when she's spent all her wages she's relying on you, it's unfair and you don't want it to affect the relationship because it's important to you.

Pat Mustard

FedUpWithBeingBroke wrote: »

She has to basically live with me because she didn’t keep enough money to top up her gas metre so her place is freezing, and the electricity company is about to cut her off because she ignored those bills too. In fairness, the one thing she does do is ensure her rent (which is less than mine) is paid, but the place is unlivable until she gets the gas and electricity issue sorted and she's ignored it so long that what was once a manageable bill has turned into an intimidating arrear.

I am absolutely certain that she is not doing this on purpose – she goes through bouts of intense guilt about running out of money or not acknowledging her responsibilities or being financially reliant on me despite earning the same amount. I feel like it’s difficult to talk to her about it though because every time I bring it up she goes into “I knew you’d throw this back at me” mode.

You are trying to make excuses for her behaviour. She has you twisted around her little finger.

If she is living with you, why does she continue to pay rent for her own place? I wonder if there's more to that than meets the eye.

You should seriously consider buying her a hot water bottle and a warm jumper and send her packing back to her own place.

Ursus Horribilis

OP, money is one of the biggest reasons why couples split up. If you're adamant that breaking up isn't an option, then you've two choices. Either take the practical advice given to you by the posters and see if things improve. Or accept that this is the way it's always going to be and that you and any kids you might have are always going to be living like this. It's your choice.

neonsofa

I was in your position years ago op. Except we had a child together. He would get paid monthly and "treat himself" with his pay. I'd get paid weekly and have to use that on our living costs. He would see this huge deposit into his account each month and spend it all on crap and then because I got my pay weekly he'd rely on that for food and bills. It was so upsetting because I loved him and wanted to support him but not to be his source of income- his mother. Every time I'd bring it up he'd do same as your girlfriend, promise he'd try next month. He never did. If it was stuff he needed it would not have been as bad but he'd waste his money on crap and then when it came to asking me for money (actually he rarely asked, he expected) it was genuinely for food and necessities so I felt I couldn't say no. He'd call me a gold digger when I tried to have reasonable discussions about it.

Long story short, he was an abusive partner. Im not saying that this is necessarily the case with your girlfriend. This was just one of many problems we had, so I can't give you good news or helpful advice. What I will say is, his treatment of me when it came to money was a huge reflection of the lack of respect he had for me generally. I was his cleaner, childminder, source of income, punch bag, and everything other than a partner. Partners are equal. And she is not treating you like an equal right now. Why should she get treats while you go without as a result of that. You should be agreeing on finances and helping each other, not one being a drain on the other. It's not fair.

lawred2

Tell her you've had to take a massive paycut. See how long she hangs about.

Circa 50% cut.

The Princess Bride

You're only together about a year.
That's a short term relationship in my opinion.
And this is going on months?
How does this even start in a relationship?

OP she'll continue to act like this if you continue to enable her.
You're her boyfriend, her financial advisor and her private ATM.

Any chance she could see about getting paid weekly instead of monthly?

professore

I knew a girl like this. She used her boyfriends ATM card to go out and party and tell us all what an idiot he was. Then when they were together she acted all innocent.

Hollister11

OP she's an idiot. If it was me, she'd be gone,

I wouldn't give a **** if she had gas in her house, or food in fridge. She spent her money on luxuries, and is spending yours on necessities. Break up with her, before you get her pregnant. Then your locked in for 20 years.

Bandana boy

Jot down what you are lending her and get this paid back as soon as her pay check comes in each month , at least that will stop the hardship for you to survive going forward .

Somebody like this would drive me mad ,but let's give her the benefit of the doubt for a moment , maybe she is just ridiculously bad with money and you could help by taking over her income to get her back under control , see if she would be happy to try this as an expirment , have her cut up her credit cards , give you all her money and draw up a plan to get her debt under control . You can give her a small allowance each week .
If she is not willing to do this then I am not sure how you help her without some tough love like cutting her off .

Fakediamond

"she is a genuinely caring and generous person"

Except towards you OP, it doesn't seem very caring or generous to fleece you of every penny you have every month. You'll never have any financial security if she continues this way. You are acting as her enabler at present, why would she change?

You may think that this is the ideal relationship for you, but you've already said she's like a child, which makes you the parent, is that really the role you want in the relationship?

BelovedAunt

She sounds far from amazing. You're being taken for a mug and this will continue unless something drastic happens.

Tokyo

Are you sure she's not staying at your place simply to avoid the debt collectors, rather than due to a lack of gas and electricity? The whole living situation sounds a bit fishy to me. I'd be extremely wary of letting any person get a toehold in my home, if debt collectors are continuously knocking on her door. It's only a matter of time before they are knocking on yours, either following up old debts, or if she starts racking up new debt while living with you.

lawred2

Mad what some lads will tolerate for some regular dipping

GingerLily

She's decimating your savings OP, do you want to buy a house some day?

Tokyo

lawred2 wrote: »

Mad what some lads will tolerate for some regular dipping

lawred2 - that hardly constitutes constructive advice. As you have already been warned in the past for this style of posting, please read the forum charter before reposting again in PI/RI.

The Raptor

How does somebody like being so used? I don't understand.

You can live and manage just fine on your wage, in fact you support her as well while she earns a similar wage, while she has cheaper rent. How can you not see it OP? You can, but let her learn that you won't be there to bail her out anymore. Tell her you're saving yourself and save. Put everything you spend on her into a separate account and you have fun with it, you deserve it more.

Big Bag of Chips

I wonder rather than taking you for a ride if she actually has an addiction! The way you describe her spending, and her promises and her getting defensive and turning it back on you when ever you mention it sounds so similar to the tactics used by an alcoholic when challenged on how much they're drinking. Talking to her hasn't changed anything. You don't want to finish with her. So I would put it to her that she has a spending addiction and that she needs to address it. With a professional. Tell her her spending is affecting your life and she has never acknowledged that. Don't let her dismiss your feelings. I think it's ultimatum time. But you need to be prepared to follow through on whatever the ultimatum is.

It's not an equal relationship. Even aside from the financial aspect. She manipulates situations so that your feelings and concerns are completely dismissed in favour of not upsetting her. As it stands this relationship has no future. But you are likely to drag it out for months, even years more. It is very easy to enable someone you love. And it is very easy to let it go on for far too long to the detriment of your own life.

ManOfMystery

Some people don't do this deliberately, true. But head-in-the-sand syndrome is no better. My ex was the same, and the younger/softer/more naive version of me ended up paying off almost €3k of her debt as bailiffs were knocking on her door and she was in bits.

Like your gf, she had a cosseted upbringing so never really learnt to fend for herself. When she finally did have the opportunity to learn to fend for herself, she decided instead that ignorance was bliss and that bills, money management and financial responsibility could all be ignored.

There is absolutely no excuse for this asides from sheer ignorance. Everyone knows that bills have to be paid. If they aren't, you get in debt, you get a bad credit rating, and your right to certain services/facilities will be removed. That's how it works. The fact that you have spoken to her about this before yet she continues to behave in the same way is a massive red flag and I would urge you to consider your position very strongly before you end up in debt also. 

I didn't see my €3k again as despite my ex's promises, she was never in a position to save. After we broke up, I wrote it off as an expensive life lesson for me - don't let anyone take you for a ride, no matter how attached you are to them or how 'nice' a person they may be. People who want you to fund their lifestyle are hardly going to be rude about it are they?