Friends with benefits

GuessWhoEh

I've had a friends with benifits for the last three years. Absolute great mates. When we are in relationships of our own we still tend to confide in each other with problems and/advice and when single we just entertain each other. There's no other feelings there besides friendship, pizza and Netflix. Basically the definition of Netflix and chill.

Does anyone else have a friends with benefit? Are they close?

Just looking for stories really to pass the time

El Weirdo

GuessWhoEh wrote: »

I've had a friends with benifits for the last three years. Absolute great mates. When we are in relationships of our own we still tend to confide in each other with problems and/advice and when single we just entertain each other. There's no other feelings there besides friendship, pizza and Netflix. Basically the definition of Netflix and chill.

Does anyone else have a friends with benefit? Are they close?

Just looking for stories really to pass the time

My mate's on the dole. Does that count?

me_irl

GuessWhoEh wrote: »

Basically the definition of Netflix and chill.

Nope. It's not that at all!

That sounds like me and most of my female friends over the years. Sans the riding of course.

me_irl

Deleted User wrote: »

Sans the riding of course.

You should be a comedian, cos that's COMIC....


...eh....



























'sake

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

It's all fun and games til you end up with feelings though. I've had a few FWB and they're good craic and I'd still be good friends with some of them, but the 1 that was messy was enough to put me off them for life. I had feelings, he said he did, we were better off just being friends, then we'd be together again, then I'd move on and he'd be sad then he moved on and I was devastated. Not worth it.

TerrorFirmer

LexieOnRale wrote: »

It's all fun and games til you end up with feelings though. I've had a few FWB and they're good craic and I'd still be good friends with some of them, but the 1 that was messy was enough to put me off them for life. I had feelings, he said he did, we were better off just being friends, then we'd be together again, then I'd move on and he'd be sad then he moved on and I was devastated. Not worth it.

I agree with this. It's very difficult to keep going beyond a few encounters without at least one party starting to feel differently about the arrangement which just sets it up for a bit of a mess, especially if you know the person well enough before hand. Each to their own but not something I'd pursue.

GuessWhoEh

LexieOnRale wrote: »

It's all fun and games til you end up with feelings though. I've had a few FWB and they're good craic and I'd still be good friends with some of them, but the 1 that was messy was enough to put me off them for life. I had feelings, he said he did, we were better off just being friends, then we'd be together again, then I'd move on and he'd be sad then he moved on and I was devastated. Not worth it.

Really? That's a shame. 3 years and not once have I been like "oh I do I like him". Any other person could bat an eyelid at me and im weak, nothing with him.

GuessWhoEh

TerrorFirmer wrote: »

I agree with this. It's very difficult to keep going beyond a few encounters without at least one party starting to feel differently about the arrangement which just sets it up for a bit of a mess, especially if you know the person well enough before hand. Each to their own but not something I'd pursue.

I had a friend that felll hard with her FWB (no pun!) and it ended in disaster. I suppose if you know the agreement then it's sort of set in stone really

Mr. Incognito

In my experience it works for 6 months or so before you have to move on to pastures new

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

GuessWhoEh wrote: »

I had a friend that felll hard with her FWB (no pun!) and it ended in disaster. I suppose if you know the agreement then it's sort of set in stone really

You know! You have your rules set out. You know neither of you want a relationship. But these things happen. There'll be that one person you get super close to and it's not about sex, someone you can tell things to and someone you trust and really, the best friend in the whole world, and you know you're getting closer and closer - you realise that when you're sitting across from each other in a cold restaurant and he's holding your hands to warm you up, and you kind of feel that maybe this isn't just friends but things are going too good for you to want it to stop. And maybe things are the same for the other person too because no doubt when one person checks in "do you still want to do this? No feelings?" You go along with it because it was only a baby feeling not a big one, but things are getting more intense and more fun each time til all of a sudden your balls deep in nothing but trouble, pushing each other away after the ride trying to maintain a bit of distance but it's way beyond that anyone and how the hell can you go the whole day without talking to them? Well talk but just be "off" with each other. Then this horrible mess of not knowing where you stand, wanting to be with someone who doesn't try put distance in between youse after sex, being jealous, but not enough to walk away from it completely. Then the L word is dropped during a huge arguement, taken back, insinuated that he did mean it but he doesn't want to talk about it, to realising you feel it too and the realisation being so horrible you'd much rather have had a finger amputated than realise you loved him and feeling like you were going to burst if you didn't tell him but when he said it to you it went down like a lead balloon so best just ignore it until you can't actually talk it anymore you're fighting constantly, you're pushing him away before he can push you away, and then it's the ultimatum- can't do this anymore. Relationship or we finish this. So it's finished and you try revert back to just being friends but it's basically just a marriage now, no sex but everything is exactly the same.

And it's literally the worst feeling in the world.

murpho999

I have a friend whose wife doesn't drink.

She picks up from the pub after we've been out which I find a great benefit.

neonsofa

I've had some like that but if we have partners we absolutely do not confide in each other re relationship advice or giving out about the partner because imo that's disrespectful to our respective partners.

TerrorFirmer

GuessWhoEh wrote: »

I had a friend that felll hard with her FWB (no pun!) and it ended in disaster. I suppose if you know the agreement then it's sort of set in stone really

That's just it though - both parties do understand the agreement at the outset but things change, even when we don't plan for them at all.

Also, person A might think 'he/she's nice, but definitely would never be my cup of tea relationship wise so this is perfect'. Person B might think 'he/she's definitely my type but just don't want a relationship right now.' The latter is a lot more susceptible to change, even if they don't realise it.

From my experience there's more often than not a person B involved rather than two person A's which is what is needed for a flawless FWB situation.

topper75

LexieOnRale wrote: »

You know! You have your rules set out. You know neither of you want a relationship. But these things happen. There'll be that one person you get super close to and it's not about sex, someone you can tell things to and someone you trust and really, the best friend in the whole world, and you know you're getting closer and closer - you realise that when you're sitting across from each other in a cold restaurant and he's holding your hands to warm you up, and you kind of feel that maybe this isn't just friends but things are going too good for you to want it to stop. And maybe things are the same for the other person too because no doubt when one person checks in "do you still want to do this? No feelings?" You go along with it because it was only a baby feeling not a big one, but things are getting more intense and more fun each time til all of a sudden your balls deep in nothing but trouble, pushing each other away after the ride trying to maintain a bit of distance but it's way beyond that anyone and how the hell can you go the whole day without talking to them? Well talk but just be "off" with each other. Then this horrible mess of not knowing where you stand, wanting to be with someone who doesn't try put distance in between youse after sex, being jealous, but not enough to walk away from it completely. Then the L word is dropped during a huge arguement, taken back, insinuated that he did mean it but he doesn't want to talk about it, to realising you feel it too and the realisation being so horrible you'd much rather have had a finger amputated than realise you loved him and feeling like you were going to burst if you didn't tell him but when he said it to you it went down like a lead balloon so best just ignore it until you can't actually talk it anymore you're fighting constantly, you're pushing him away before he can push you away, and then it's the ultimatum- can't do this anymore. Relationship or we finish this. So it's finished and you try revert back to just being friends but it's basically just a marriage now, no sex but everything is exactly the same.

And it's literally the worst feeling in the world.

With regard to your paragraphs, one is reminded of the contrast between the letter of the law and the spirit of the law.

Temptamperu

I have an imaginary friend with benefits. I think she may be seeing someone else tho.

GuessWhoEh

Temptamperu wrote: »

I have an imaginary friend with benefits. I think she may be seeing someone else tho.

Time to confess your fears?

BetsyEllen

Had one going for a while but I had to stop it as the feelings were hard to deal with.

If yours has been going on for 3 years then good for you, I think it's safe to say you're past the fear of feelings being developed on either side now!

Must be kind of annoying when the other person gets into a relationship though when you're still single, getting the ride when you're not :P

GuessWhoEh

LexieOnRale wrote: »

You know! You have your rules set out. You know neither of you want a relationship. But these things happen. There'll be that one person you get super close to and it's not about sex, someone you can tell things to and someone you trust and really, the best friend in the whole world, and you know you're getting closer and closer - you realise that when you're sitting across from each other in a cold restaurant and he's holding your hands to warm you up, and you kind of feel that maybe this isn't just friends but things are going too good for you to want it to stop. And maybe things are the same for the other person too because no doubt when one person checks in "do you still want to do this? No feelings?" You go along with it because it was only a baby feeling not a big one, but things are getting more intense and more fun each time til all of a sudden your balls deep in nothing but trouble, pushing each other away after the ride trying to maintain a bit of distance but it's way beyond that anyone and how the hell can you go the whole day without talking to them? Well talk but just be "off" with each other. Then this horrible mess of not knowing where you stand, wanting to be with someone who doesn't try put distance in between youse after sex, being jealous, but not enough to walk away from it completely. Then the L word is dropped during a huge arguement, taken back, insinuated that he did mean it but he doesn't want to talk about it, to realising you feel it too and the realisation being so horrible you'd much rather have had a finger amputated than realise you loved him and feeling like you were going to burst if you didn't tell him but when he said it to you it went down like a lead balloon so best just ignore it until you can't actually talk it anymore you're fighting constantly, you're pushing him away before he can push you away, and then it's the ultimatum- can't do this anymore. Relationship or we finish this. So it's finished and you try revert back to just being friends but it's basically just a marriage now, no sex but everything is exactly the same.

And it's literally the worst feeling in the world.

Just a hunch here...but I'm assuming it didn't work out for you? Or you've just quoted a really good film?

GuessWhoEh

BetsyEllen wrote: »

Must be kind of annoying when the other person gets into a relationship though when you're still single, getting the ride when you're not :P

Head melting but funny nonetheless. He does be on the same boat if I'm dating someone haha

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

:P

GuessWhoEh wrote: »

Just a hunch here...but I'm assuming it didn't work out for you? Or you've just quoted a really good film?

It's a scenario!
Not usually one for recommending getting bogged down in relationships but Feb are wayyy too much hassle

GuessWhoEh

LexieOnRale wrote: »

:P
It's a scenario!

Jaysis that's some scenario! Sorry to hear about that

Dr Crayfish

So like, if you get a girlfriend now, you could say to her "hey if this doesn't work out I'll be f**king my friend when we split up, as I was before I met you, oh and in the meantime I'll be confiding in her with all our relationship issues etc."

The whole thing sounds ridiculous.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Never said it was my scenario!
But, don't ride and slide would be up there with don't do drugs in my advice on life

GuessWhoEh

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

So like, if you get a girlfriend now, you could say to her "hey if this doesn't work out I'll be f**king my friend when we split up, as I was before I met you, oh and in the meantime I'll be confiding in her with all our relationship issues etc."

The whole thing sounds ridiculous.

Nah we were friends first before the whole FWB situ happened. As for the confiding things, it works well for us. As for explaining to new partners etc well it's normally a case of telling the truth. Stupid as it sounds but why lie? Myself and FWB meet up sometimes for drinks then we go our own ways. We don't even do anything the majority of the times so in terms of meeting the other halves, hasn't effected us. Far as we are concerned, when times are slow and we aren't doing much else then why not? Previous relationships haven't had any issues. FWB is just a close friend in my opinion and I his.

Dr Crayfish

GuessWhoEh wrote: »

Nah we were friends first before the whole FWB situ happened. As for the confiding things, it works well for us. As for explaining to new partners etc well it's normally a case of telling the truth. Stupid as it sounds but why lie? Myself and FWB meet up sometimes for drinks then we go our own ways. We don't even do anything the majority of the times so in terms of meeting the other halves, hasn't effected us. Far as we are concerned, when times are slow and we aren't doing much else then why not? Previous relationships haven't had any issues. FWB is just a close friend in my opinion and I his.

Personally I wouldn't be comfortable with my partner hanging around with someone they f*ck when they're single. Maybe I'm old fashioned!

GuessWhoEh

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

Personally I wouldn't be comfortable with my partner hanging around with someone they f*ck when they're single. Maybe I'm old fashioned!

Honestly I can see why people wouldn't be comfortable with it. I'm not blind. I can see why it would be an issue. But when it comes to either of us being in a relationship or dating other people then we respect each other and leave each other too it

Lorelli!

No I never had a fwb but when I was a late teen, I did have an unusual mutual crush on someone whose personality I really disliked and I don't think he liked mine either. So the opposite dilemma, not friends and no benefits! That was annoying :pac:

Dr Crayfish

GuessWhoEh wrote: »

Honestly I can see why people wouldn't be comfortable with it. I'm not blind. I can see why it would be an issue. But when it comes to either of us being in a relationship or dating other people then we respect each other and leave each other too it

Just say nothing

GuessWhoEh

Lorelli! wrote: »

No I never had a fwb but when I was a late teen, I did have an unusual mutual crush on someone whose personality I really disliked and I don't think he liked mine either. So the opposite dilemma, not friends and no benefits! That was annoying :pac:

And therefore, no feelings . Simples

Winterlong

Lorelli! wrote: »

No I never had a fwb but when I was a late teen, I did have an unusual mutual crush on someone whose personality I really disliked and I don't think he liked mine either. So the opposite dilemma, not friends and no benefits! That was annoying :pac:

And that recurring frustrating thought: "How did someone get gifted such a wonderful face/body but have such a ****e personality to go with it?"

Lorelli!

GuessWhoEh wrote: »

And therefore, no feelings . Simples

There's a thin line

Rakish Paddy

I've had a few FWB situations in my time, but it always seemed that the other party would start to develop feelings.

I've also had one or two FWBs continuing for ages to text /call at all hours looking for the ride, after I've started a relationship with someone else.

It can be a scourge at times, having a big mickey and knowing how to use it.

GuessWhoEh

Rakish Paddy wrote: »

I've had a few FWB situations in my time, but it always seemed that the other party would start to develop feelings.

I've also had one or two FWBs continuing for ages to text /call at all hours looking for the ride, after I've started a relationship with someone else.

It can be a scourge at times, having a big mickey and knowing how to use it.

The last comment! Brilliant ðŸ‘🼠We tell each other if we are dating or seeing someone pretty soon to avoid the whole calling or texting late at night so thankfully we haven't been in that position

Austria!

God I've love that. It's like getting a score in a nightclub though, I know it happens, but how?

GuessWhoEh

Austria! wrote: »

God I've love that. It's like getting a score in a nightclub though, I know it happens, but how?

I genuinely don't know how it happens hahahaha

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Inviting him over to watch movies

GuessWhoEh

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Inviting him over to watch movies

It's mainly TV shows but all the same nonetheless

Arevaci

Friends with benefits is a compromise between women’s desire for intimacy and men’s desire for sex. I think it’s being fuelled by online dating. Basically, if the average woman goes online and looks for a relationship they get nowhere. 90% of guys are looking for sex and the rest that want a relationship are at the bottom of their list. In the same way if the average guy goes online, 90% of women will not entertain their request for a hook-up, and the 10% that do will be at the bottom of their list.

So to get a more attractive partner, woman have to give in slightly. They have to be willing to engage in sex outside the commitment of a relationship but still demand the intimacy associated with a FWB type relationship. Similarly, if the average guy wants to have sex with a more attractive woman, they have to offer more than just sex. They have to be willing to engage in relationship type activities – going to the cinema, cuddling, talking etc.

I think FWB are good as they bring together people who are closer in attractiveness and this increases the chances of a meaningful relationship. With hook-up culture, the guy will typically be much more attractive than the girl because girls have a long list of guys they can hook up with and will obviously choose the best. Therefore, hook-ups rarely lead to relationships as people are mismatched. With a FWB relationship however, the guy has to want the girl for reasons other than purely sex, they have to like their personality at some level. Therefore, guys higher standards for FWB relationships helps to close the gender gap and this creates a better environment for actual relationships.

I think there will be an explosion in these type of relationships as the hook-up culture is starting to end. On one level we've hit peak sex but on another level both genders are quite scared of committed, long-term relationships as well. FWB give people a sense of freedom but also allow their sexual and intimacy needs to be met. The only problem is jealousy ...

B.A._Baracus

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

So like, if you get a girlfriend now, you could say to her "hey if this doesn't work out I'll be f**king my friend when we split up, as I was before I met you, oh and in the meantime I'll be confiding in her with all our relationship issues etc."

The whole thing sounds ridiculous.

Spot on!


Actually friends with benefits is a messed up thing. Like on one hand if you're single then it's sex without complications and we can all understand that. But it ain't fun and games being on the other side! :pac:

By that I mean, say someone meets a girl tomorrow and over the next four weeks have 4 dates. taking things slow, want to show your interested in dating etc. Then you ask the question about coming over to yours for sex. .... All while she's being horsed out of it for the last month by her mate.
While you had to put the time in. While if you asked for sex after the first date you would have been told no and "i'm not that type of girl"

cantdecide

Arevaci wrote: »

Friends with benefits is a compromise between women’s desire for intimacy and men’s desire for sex ...

Lots of good points there but I think there is much more of both desires on both sides.

I've never had the pleasure but thought I was on the way to it at one point. My life is very complicated for a relationship but the thought of some human warmth and affection was quite appealing. I think there's a lot of potential for FWB to be a beautiful human exchange between responsible adults if the complications and circumstance stay in check. I think its clear that it can't go on if jealousy creeps in and should probably shouldn't go on indefinitely.

GuessWhoEh

cantdecide wrote: »

Lots of good points there but I think there is much more of both desires on both sides.

I've never had the pleasure but thought I was on the way to it at one point. My life is very complicated for a relationship but the thought of some human warmth and affection was quite appealing. I think there's a lot of potential for FWB to be a beautiful human exchange between responsible adults if the complications and circumstance stay in check. I think its clear that it can't go on if jealousy creeps in and should probably shouldn't go on indefinitely.

The jealousy thing is spot on. There is no jealousy between us. Well not on my part anyways

wakka12

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

So like, if you get a girlfriend now, you could say to her "hey if this doesn't work out I'll be f**king my friend when we split up, as I was before I met you, oh and in the meantime I'll be confiding in her with all our relationship issues etc."

The whole thing sounds ridiculous.

Yeh it sounds very under handed and sneaky imo, the advice to the fwb thing, Im referring to specifically. I would not trust any partner who did that at all, and Id really question how anyone could be comfortable with somebody who was doing that to them!

panda100

Arevaci wrote:

Friends with benefits is a compromise between women’s desire for intimacy and men’s desire for sex

So you think men don't desire intimacy? Can't say I have found that to be the case with 90% of the men I've dated or what most of male friends want.

I've never had a friends with benefits situation but I've had a f**k buddy. We weren't really friends but he was very hot, i fancied him and he was handy for scratching that itch. I can only image that type of situation would work if you weren't really that friendly with that person because otherwise feelings would definitely come into play.

One eyed Jack

I just call them friends tbh. The "no feelings" thing I can't relate to at all, why wouldn't I care about my mates?

I'm reminded of something someone once said to me when I was humming and hawing over making a decision - "Either shìt, or get off the pot!", and after three years of a head melt like that, I'd be thinking it's high time to either shìt or get off the pot.

If it works for you though OP, play on, wouldn't be my thing though.

Sound boring more than anything else, having sex with someone you don't fancy.

Sound Bite

I think it only works if you both think you can do better!!!

Only works for me if the person is great in bed and attractive but I don't particularly like them or their personality. If I did, I'd probably want more.

Difficult to find someone that you won't develop feelings for or vice versa but great when you do.

Sound Bite

mariaalice wrote: »

Sound boring more than anything else, having sex with someone you don't fancy.

But usually you are attracted to them physically or at least a little bit but just don't like them enough to want a relationship

GuessWhoEh

Sound Bite wrote: »

But usually you are attracted to them physically or at least a little bit but just don't like them enough to want a relationship

That's exactly what it is. We've literally got no other feelings towards each other. In the last however many years it's been just friendship and casual sex

BorneTobyWilde

Fonze with Benny Fitz

wakka12

panda100 wrote: »

So you think men don't desire intimacy? Can't say I have found that to be the case with 90% of the men I've dated or what most of male friends want.

I've never had a friends with benefits situation but I've had a f**k buddy. We weren't really friends but he was very hot, i fancied him and he was handy for scratching that itch. I can only image that type of situation would work if you weren't really that friendly with that person because otherwise feelings would definitely come into play.

Admittedly it is a large generalisation but you only need to log onto an online dating site to see how many men are interested in no strings attached sex, and how much more desired it is by men than women. Not saying its a bad thing , but just saying..yanno