Confirmation Sponsor problem

deisemum

The SIL will look very churlish to say the least if she tries to kick off over your older daughter being the sponsor. Hopefully it will go ahead without any carry on from her and that you'll all have a lovely day.

infogiver

FedupFreda wrote: »

My deranged narcissist sis in law was my girls god mother. Not by our choice but hers. Long standing family feud meant thankfully no contact for many years and peace reigned.... However a truce has been slightly restored over the past year and she has been invited to some family functions held in " neutral territory ". All in the family agree she has caused so much trouble for everyone that she should be kept at arms length but we should be civil when we meet. She has started to worm her way in again but to date has been held off by most of the family.

Problem is confirmation is coming up and my girl although not totally aware of all that has gone on was anxious she not be her sponsor. I said I would do it and there would be no problem. However word has seeped through that sis expects to be called upon.

As the groups are so big only bros and sister of the child with parent and grandparents have seats in the ceremony.

Could I tell her as with all the rest of extended family to meet us at a local hotel for a family meal in that way she would know she is not sponsor and...When. ..She mentions this i just brush it off saying we had agreed a long time ago with the child that I would do it. The child has not seen or heard of the aunt in nearly 10 years.

Would this work without her kicking off.

I don't understand any of this. Does this mean that I'm odd as f**k ? I'm genuinely asking here. I just don't understand.

amtc

Now I'm somewhat religious...not madly... but the point of a sponsor is to guide along religious path. My godmother is mine, I'm my cousin's. It's not just a day out!

FedupFreda

We are a religious family and try our best. We agree this is not just a day out. My girls older sister has more common sense ,compassion, love and faith in her than said supposed grown up SIL who plays mind games. There will be no problems and my girl will remember her special.day with her sister.

amtc

Sorry I didn't mean to assume. If anything it can't be worse than my confirmation day when my dad recognised the doctor who delivered me at a separate table and insisted on introducing us which I knew even at 12 was odd!

I think at this stage I'd get your husband to intervene and just present it as a fait accompli. No big deal just your way as a family of recognising that your older child is now in a position to take responsibility and it's a life lesson for her.

Ursus Horribilis

I'm glad it has been resolved, OP. I hope for all your sakes that your sister in law doesn't cause you more problems now that she's inching her way back into the family circle.

reeta

FedupFreda wrote: »

My deranged narcissist sis in law was my girls god mother. Not by our choice but hers. Long standing family feud meant thankfully no contact for many years and peace reigned.... However a truce has been slightly restored over the past year and she has been invited to some family functions held in " neutral territory ". All in the family agree she has caused so much trouble for everyone that she should be kept at arms length but we should be civil when we meet. She has started to worm her way in again but to date has been held off by most of the family.

Problem is confirmation is coming up and my girl although not totally aware of all that has gone on was anxious she not be her sponsor. I said I would do it and there would be no problem. However word has seeped through that sis expects to be called upon.

As the groups are so big only bros and sister of the child with parent and grandparents have seats in the ceremony.

Could I tell her as with all the rest of extended family to meet us at a local hotel for a family meal in that way she would know she is not sponsor and...When. ..She mentions this i just brush it off saying we had agreed a long time ago with the child that I would do it. The child has not seen or heard of the aunt in nearly 10 years.

Would this work without her kicking off.

Hi, so your SIL is (not was) your daughters god mother. I dont understand the "not by our choice but hers". How can anyone decide they are a godmother without the parents consent! You let that happen. Now, and I am presuming here, because you decided to keep the peace at the time, you are now in this dilemma.

Your daughter has not seen or heard from this person in 10 years,however unless things have really changed since my children made their confirmation it was automatic that the godmother was sponsor at confirmations etc.

I know I sound harsh but you need to decided yourself what to do. What did you SIL do that is so bad, there is certainly more than one side to any story.

I hope you daughter has a great day, which she know doubt deserves, all I am saying is make your own mind up rather than listening to the rest of the family.

Big Bag of Chips

reeta wrote: »

however unless things have really changed since my children made their confirmation it was automatic that the godmother was sponsor at confirmations etc.

It's not automatic, never was. Children usually have 2 Godparents, so whilst it's customary to have a Godparent as sponsor it doesn't automatically have to be the Godmother. I have 2 Godchildren, both of them had their Godfathers as their sponsors. My son has picked his Godfather to be his.

Irish_Elect_Eng

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

It's not automatic, never was. Children usually have 2 Godparents, so whilst it's customary to have a Godparent as sponsor it doesn't automatically have to be the Godmother. I have 2 Godchildren, both of them had their Godfathers as their sponsors. My son has picked his Godfather to be his.

In the West, it is traditional / default for the Godmother to sponsor girls and the Godfather to sponsor boys. But as sometimes happens with immigration, illness, etc, one or both Godparents may not be available or indeed the child may have a preference for another adult to be their sponsor.

As the OP says that her family is religious, they should genuinely look to whom the child will receive guidance from for their religious life, ideally a person that the child respects and whose guidance would be welcomed. Her sister may very well be that person.

In relation to how to break the news to your SIL, do it directly, not in a passive way with hints, be fair and save her the embarrassment of telling people that she will be the sponsor. You do not want anything happening on the day to spoil a wonderful event in your child's life.

Simply tell your SIL that your child has chosen her sister as a sponsor because she her sister is the person she most looks up to and who she shares her hopes and dreams with, they talk every day and share their worship every Sunday and that she wants the person that she goes to first for advice to be her sponsor on her big day. That is probably not all that far from the truth for most sisters.

If you want to dull the impact of telling the SIL, bring both the Godfather and Godmother together, perhaps over a coffee, so that you are telling them both at the same time and it is not "all about" the SIL. Or is they can't be together, mention during the conversation with the SIL that you have already spoken with the Godfather and the he was disappointed also.

Excerpt from an "Irish Catholic Article"

"A Confirmation candidate must choose a sponsor. In the early Church the three Sacraments of Christian Initiation were always celebrated as one liturgical event; therefore, there was never a different sponsor at Baptism and Confirmation. As the separation of Confirmation from Baptism occurred through the centuries, it became more common to have different persons act as sponsor for each sacrament. This tradition of involving a sponsor in the preparation of candidates for the Sacraments of Christian Initiation is an ancient approach to faith formation. The sponsor was a living witness and mentor who represented the values, beliefs and lifestyle of the Christian community. The sponsor would, in turn, witness to the community regarding the candidates’ readiness to be baptised into the faith community. The role of a sponsor was seen as a lifetime commitment, a relationship that would last throughout the individual’s journey of faith.

A Confirmation sponsor represents the believing community and supports the candidate as they prepare to become full members of the Church. It makes sense that a godparent at Baptism would also be the sponsor at Confirmation expressing more clearly the link between the two sacraments and also making the function and responsibility of the sponsor more effective. Sometimes by the time young people are preparing for Confirmation, they no longer know their godparents, or the godparents may just live too far away. These young people will need to choose a new sponsor. In this case, it is important to identify someone who can be trusted, who has faith and who will be present to some extent in the life of the child.

Gifts of the Spirit

The Church requires that the proposed sponsor would be a confirmed Catholic, at least 16 years old (for maturity) and a participating member of the Church. It is also important that the sponsor would pray for the candidate. The witness of the sponsor showing interest in the parish preparation programme and being present at the Service of Light leading up to the Confirmation day can have a lasting effect on a child. Perhaps a Bible or some religious symbol could be given as a gift to the child on their Confirmation day. This time of preparation is an ideal opportunity for the sponsor to put the Gifts of the Spirit into practice. Taking the name of their sponsor could remind the child of the witness of faith and the support they can have in the years to come.

The Catechism reminds us “I cannot believe without being carried by the faith of others, and by my faith I help support the faith of others in the Faith.” (CCC 166) Growth in faith happens within a believing community. The sponsor represents the believing community and that is why the role of sponsor in Confirmation preparation is so important."

Before anyone starts bashing me, I am not particularly religious, but respect the right of anyone with faith to follow their beliefs.