Confirmation Sponsor problem

FedupFreda · 10-02-2017 06:28PM #1

My deranged narcissist sis in law was my girls god mother. Not by our choice but hers. Long standing family feud meant thankfully no contact for many years and peace reigned.... However a truce has been slightly restored over the past year and she has been invited to some family functions held in " neutral territory ". All in the family agree she has caused so much trouble for everyone that she should be kept at arms length but we should be civil when we meet. She has started to worm her way in again but to date has been held off by most of the family.

Problem is confirmation is coming up and my girl although not totally aware of all that has gone on was anxious she not be her sponsor. I said I would do it and there would be no problem. However word has seeped through that sis expects to be called upon.

As the groups are so big only bros and sister of the child with parent and grandparents have seats in the ceremony.

Could I tell her as with all the rest of extended family to meet us at a local hotel for a family meal in that way she would know she is not sponsor and...When. ..She mentions this i just brush it off saying we had agreed a long time ago with the child that I would do it. The child has not seen or heard of the aunt in nearly 10 years.

Would this work without her kicking off.

neonsofa · 10-02-2017 06:32PM

Sponsor is entirely the child's choice and is generally not the godparent as they already have an important role. She can't call dibs on it when it's the kids choice (or any time for that matter).

Teyla Emmagan · 10-02-2017 06:42PM

You can definitely tell your SIL that, if she asks. I would say nothing to get in fact unless directly asked and then just brush it off with what you said. From what you have said she should have no expectation of being involved in what is an important day for your child.

Hrududu · 10-02-2017 06:44PM

Yeah it's normally a different adult that is the sponsor so she can't really be expecting to be both.

listermint · 10-02-2017 06:46PM

Erm.... Just tell her to back off....

Why the tip toeing

Scraggs · 10-02-2017 07:20PM

FedupFreda wrote: »

As the groups are so big only bros and sister of the child with parent and grandparents have seats in the ceremony.

Could I tell her as with all the rest of extended family to meet us at a local hotel for a family meal in that way she would know she is not sponsor and...When. ..She mentions this i just brush it off saying we had agreed a long time ago with the child that I would do it. The child has not seen or heard of the aunt in nearly 10 years.

Would this work without her kicking off.

I would just invite her as you would anyone else from the family meet at X Hotel at X time. Don't go into any explanations or justify as there's no need to and just makes it like you're doing something wrong.

whoopsadoodles · 10-02-2017 07:22PM

I read that parents can't be sponsors?

Just in case that piece of information hangs you. I could have read misinformation though.

Don't make any lies. Whoever the child wants to be her sponsor is who her sponsor should be, end of. Don't even enter into it.

eviltwin · 10-02-2017 07:36PM

Why are you allowing this woman to behave like this? You say she made the choice to be godmother, not you or your partner.....how did that happen? You and your partner need to be strong now and tell her that she is not going to be sponsor because someone else has been chosen instead. Don't make excuses, don't justify it, don't get into a discussion about it. Don't go to the bother of organising an event to tell her, that's just pandering to her.

LynnGrace · 10-02-2017 07:49PM

Absolutely. Go with what you have said, invite her (if you all want her there) to the meal or whatever. Any question about the church part - if they do come - say exactly what you said in your OP. Limited seating and it has been agreed for years, that you will be the sponsor.

freshpopcorn · 10-02-2017 08:08PM

Yes, just say theirs limited seating and invite her to the meal afterwords.
At my confirmation grandparents,siblings, neighbours, almost anybody were sponsors!

Bambi985 · 10-02-2017 08:21PM

Why bother invite her at all?

you've said yourself she's a nightmare who has brought nothing but grief to your lives and even your daughter (who's special day it will be) seems to hate her.

People like her get by in life by intimidating others into submission and pandering. Don't be another one of her little minions. Your child sounds like she'd have a better day if she didn't come at all, so invite whoever's company you'd like to the hotel and get on with it.

of course the news will filter back to her and World War 3 will start, let her off. There'll always be something with her. And it'll be another respite from her toxicity for a wee while for you and your family. win win.

Taltos · 10-02-2017 08:22PM

You're lucky there's space for the grandparents, I know of one a few years ago where it was strictly parents only due to the size of the class. None of this messing about with sponsors either.

In fact as a godfather to four of my nephews and neices I was sponsor to none of them that have been confirmed so far...

neonsofa · 10-02-2017 08:28PM

Taltos wrote: »

You're lucky there's space for the grandparents, I know of one a few years ago where it was strictly parents only due to the size of the class. None of this messing about with sponsors either.

In fact as a godfather to four of my nephews and neices I was sponsor to none of them that have been confirmed so far...

Does canon law not require a sponsor for confirmation?

whoopsadoodles · 10-02-2017 08:33PM

Did a bit of digging and it seems parents cannot be sponsors.

Taltos · 10-02-2017 08:33PM

No idea.
Not sure how it was organised on the day, just that space was very restricted on the day.

Big Bag of Chips · 10-02-2017 08:40PM

A Godparent is usually the sponsor for the child, but doesn't have to be. It can't be a parent, though. I'm guessing your child is 11 or 12. The choice of who sponsors her is entirely hers. Nobody else's. It's her day. It's her confirmation. She could ask her Godfather. She could ask her grandmother/grandfather/uncle/best friend's mother! But whoever it is, is her choice.

Stop discussing it with people. Stop discussing it with other family members. If anyone asks, say you're not sure who your daughter is going to ask. If she doesn't ask her Godfather she might be better to ask someone from your husband's side of the family. If she asks someone from yours, then that allows your sister access to the person to 'convince' them that they should step aside for her. And the person might agree to keep the peace.

FedupFreda · 10-02-2017 09:05PM

Yip....You hung me. Parents can't do sponsor. BUT...Her 17 year older sister can ....phew

QuiteInterestin · 10-02-2017 09:06PM

Hi OP

Sorry to hear of your predicament. Have you any older children? My older sister (18 at the time, though I think 16 is the minimum age for a confirmation sponsor) was my younger sister's confirmation sponsor. Is this an option? You could then use the excuse that you're keeping it to immediate family only.

FedupFreda · 10-02-2017 09:07PM

Just checked and you are right.b parents can't be sponsors. My old daughter will be able though.

FedupFreda · 10-02-2017 09:09PM

Yeah her older sister can do it. ..sorted. thanks

Big Bag of Chips · 10-02-2017 09:11PM

Does your daughter want her sister to sponsor her? It seems everybody is rushing to make a decision for her. Let her decide for herself without pressure from anyone. Don't let family members question her. It shouldn't be up for so much discussion.

freshpopcorn · 10-02-2017 09:12PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Does your daughter want her sister to sponsor her? It seems everybody is rushing to make a decision for her. Let her decide for herself without pressure from anyone. Don't let family members question her. It shouldn't be up for so much discussion.

I never heard of a parent being in such a flap about who's sponsors the child. It's generally somebody the child likes!

FedupFreda · 10-02-2017 09:22PM

This hasn't been discussed with anyone except her and her dad and her sister. Thats why I've come in here to.get unbiased views. Good job too or I wouldn't have know about the parent/ sponsor rule.

eviltwin · 10-02-2017 09:24PM

All this panic over some non entity who may get the hump over not being asked. Madness.

Big Bag of Chips · 10-02-2017 09:33PM

FedupFreda wrote: »

This hasn't been discussed with anyone except her and her dad and her sister.

So then how has it gotten back to you that yer wan is expecting to be asked and why the rush to come up with a good cover story?! When is the confirmation, and who would your daughter like to sponsor her on the day? In our church only the child and sponsor are guaranteed a seat! Everyone else is first come first served.

FedupFreda · 10-02-2017 09:41PM

So then how has it gotten back to you that yer wan is expecting to be asked and why the rush to come up with a good cover story?!

I'm not trying to get a cover story. ...I asked for advice and have got some very helpful answers. I'm not going into the nitty gritty details on any forum. Thanks.

Big Bag of Chips · 10-02-2017 09:44PM

I'm not asking you to, but it seems like the confirmation child is being told who her sponsor is, rather than being asked who she wants it to be.

All I'm saying is it's nobody else's business. And a simple "I'm not sure who she's asking" should be enough for anyone who enquires.

fungun · 10-02-2017 09:52PM

Yeah I dont know what kind of personality disorder this person has that you all bow to her wishes, but Id do absolutely nothing. Your child does not want this person as her sponsor....so just when she decides who she does want, ask them. You dont tell people that they arent going to be the sponsor.

Clearly though, there is a lot of context that is unavailable to us in terms of how and why she is like this

FedupFreda · 10-02-2017 10:03PM

Yeah its not a black and white situation with SIL but we have not danced to her tune for a long time and thats they way we want to keep it. My child doesn't want her and I don't want to put any other family in sticky situation . Although we haven't mention this to any of them . It's my child's choice . If I can't do it she is quiet happy for her sister to do it. I will just be telling g SIL the same story as everyone else in extended family to come to the meal afterward and then its up to everyone to either come or not. Sorted. ..Thanks everyone for the advice.

Big Bag of Chips · 10-02-2017 10:12PM

Sorry to push this.... But....have you actually asked your daughter who she'd like to be her sponsor? And to think about it so she can ask them. From your posts it seems an hour ago you had volunteered yourself, and then when you found out you couldn't do it you volunteered your other daughter.

It's your child's decision and her "not minding" isn't the same as her making her own decision. If she's mature enough to decided she doesn't want it to be her aunt, then you should at least give her the credit to be able to ask someone herself.

FedupFreda · 10-02-2017 10:27PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Sorry to push this.... But....have you actually asked your daughter who she'd like to be her sponsor? And to think about it so she can ask them. From your posts it seems an hour ago you had volunteered yourself, and then when you found out you couldn't do it you volunteered your other daughter.

It's your child's decision and her "not minding" isn't the same as her making her own decision. If she's mature enough to decided she doesn't want it to be her aunt, then you should at least give her the credit to be able to ask someone herself.

It's ok your not pushing it. It was last year summer 2016 my girl first mentioned it to me. She said she didn't want the SIL to be her sponsor. She herself has four lovely aunties that she could ask but didn't want to pick one over the other and all her grandparents are elderly and not able. That's when I suggested myself and she was delighted. If she did want to pick an auntie even now there is no problem but they are all so good she can't choose. But she doesn't want the SIL in question. I have mentioned to her that I cannot now do sponsor and she is of the same opinion that she cannot choose between her other aunties. When I mentioned....not told her...That her older sis could do it she was happy as they get in great. Her older sister says she's up for it.

Confirmation Sponsor problem

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