Confirmation Sponsor problem

FedupFreda

My deranged narcissist sis in law was my girls god mother. Not by our choice but hers. Long standing family feud meant thankfully no contact for many years and peace reigned.... However a truce has been slightly restored over the past year and she has been invited to some family functions held in " neutral territory ". All in the family agree she has caused so much trouble for everyone that she should be kept at arms length but we should be civil when we meet. She has started to worm her way in again but to date has been held off by most of the family.

Problem is confirmation is coming up and my girl although not totally aware of all that has gone on was anxious she not be her sponsor. I said I would do it and there would be no problem. However word has seeped through that sis expects to be called upon.

As the groups are so big only bros and sister of the child with parent and grandparents have seats in the ceremony.

Could I tell her as with all the rest of extended family to meet us at a local hotel for a family meal in that way she would know she is not sponsor and...When. ..She mentions this i just brush it off saying we had agreed a long time ago with the child that I would do it. The child has not seen or heard of the aunt in nearly 10 years.

Would this work without her kicking off.

neonsofa

Sponsor is entirely the child's choice and is generally not the godparent as they already have an important role. She can't call dibs on it when it's the kids choice (or any time for that matter).

Teyla Emmagan

You can definitely tell your SIL that, if she asks. I would say nothing to get in fact unless directly asked and then just brush it off with what you said. From what you have said she should have no expectation of being involved in what is an important day for your child.

Hrududu

Yeah it's normally a different adult that is the sponsor so she can't really be expecting to be both.

listermint

Erm.... Just tell her to back off....


Why the tip toeing

Scraggs

FedupFreda wrote: »

As the groups are so big only bros and sister of the child with parent and grandparents have seats in the ceremony.

Could I tell her as with all the rest of extended family to meet us at a local hotel for a family meal in that way she would know she is not sponsor and...When. ..She mentions this i just brush it off saying we had agreed a long time ago with the child that I would do it. The child has not seen or heard of the aunt in nearly 10 years.

Would this work without her kicking off.

I would just invite her as you would anyone else from the family meet at X Hotel at X time. Don't go into any explanations or justify as there's no need to and just makes it like you're doing something wrong.

whoopsadoodles

I read that parents can't be sponsors?

Just in case that piece of information hangs you. I could have read misinformation though.

Don't make any lies. Whoever the child wants to be her sponsor is who her sponsor should be, end of. Don't even enter into it.

eviltwin

Why are you allowing this woman to behave like this? You say she made the choice to be godmother, not you or your partner.....how did that happen? You and your partner need to be strong now and tell her that she is not going to be sponsor because someone else has been chosen instead. Don't make excuses, don't justify it, don't get into a discussion about it. Don't go to the bother of organising an event to tell her, that's just pandering to her.

LynnGrace

Absolutely. Go with what you have said, invite her (if you all want her there) to the meal or whatever. Any question about the church part - if they do come - say exactly what you said in your OP. Limited seating and it has been agreed for years, that you will be the sponsor.

freshpopcorn

Yes, just say theirs limited seating and invite her to the meal afterwords.
At my confirmation grandparents,siblings, neighbours, almost anybody were sponsors!

Bambi985

Why bother invite her at all?

you've said yourself she's a nightmare who has brought nothing but grief to your lives and even your daughter (who's special day it will be) seems to hate her.

People like her get by in life by intimidating others into submission and pandering. Don't be another one of her little minions. Your child sounds like she'd have a better day if she didn't come at all, so invite whoever's company you'd like to the hotel and get on with it.

of course the news will filter back to her and World War 3 will start, let her off. There'll always be something with her. And it'll be another respite from her toxicity for a wee while for you and your family. win win.

Taltos

You're lucky there's space for the grandparents, I know of one a few years ago where it was strictly parents only due to the size of the class. None of this messing about with sponsors either.

In fact as a godfather to four of my nephews and neices I was sponsor to none of them that have been confirmed so far...

neonsofa

Taltos wrote: »

You're lucky there's space for the grandparents, I know of one a few years ago where it was strictly parents only due to the size of the class. None of this messing about with sponsors either.

In fact as a godfather to four of my nephews and neices I was sponsor to none of them that have been confirmed so far...

Does canon law not require a sponsor for confirmation?

whoopsadoodles

Did a bit of digging and it seems parents cannot be sponsors.

Taltos

No idea.
Not sure how it was organised on the day, just that space was very restricted on the day.

Big Bag of Chips

A Godparent is usually the sponsor for the child, but doesn't have to be. It can't be a parent, though. I'm guessing your child is 11 or 12. The choice of who sponsors her is entirely hers. Nobody else's. It's her day. It's her confirmation. She could ask her Godfather. She could ask her grandmother/grandfather/uncle/best friend's mother! But whoever it is, is her choice.

Stop discussing it with people. Stop discussing it with other family members. If anyone asks, say you're not sure who your daughter is going to ask. If she doesn't ask her Godfather she might be better to ask someone from your husband's side of the family. If she asks someone from yours, then that allows your sister access to the person to 'convince' them that they should step aside for her. And the person might agree to keep the peace.

FedupFreda

Yip....You hung me. Parents can't do sponsor. BUT...Her 17 year older sister can ....phew

QuiteInterestin

Hi OP

Sorry to hear of your predicament. Have you any older children? My older sister (18 at the time, though I think 16 is the minimum age for a confirmation sponsor) was my younger sister's confirmation sponsor. Is this an option? You could then use the excuse that you're keeping it to immediate family only.

FedupFreda

Just checked and you are right.b parents can't be sponsors. My old daughter will be able though.

FedupFreda

Yeah her older sister can do it. ..sorted. thanks

Big Bag of Chips

Does your daughter want her sister to sponsor her? It seems everybody is rushing to make a decision for her. Let her decide for herself without pressure from anyone. Don't let family members question her. It shouldn't be up for so much discussion.

freshpopcorn

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Does your daughter want her sister to sponsor her? It seems everybody is rushing to make a decision for her. Let her decide for herself without pressure from anyone. Don't let family members question her. It shouldn't be up for so much discussion.

I never heard of a parent being in such a flap about who's sponsors the child. It's generally somebody the child likes!

FedupFreda

This hasn't been discussed with anyone except her and her dad and her sister. Thats why I've come in here to.get unbiased views. Good job too or I wouldn't have know about the parent/ sponsor rule.

eviltwin

All this panic over some non entity who may get the hump over not being asked. Madness.

Big Bag of Chips

FedupFreda wrote: »

This hasn't been discussed with anyone except her and her dad and her sister.

So then how has it gotten back to you that yer wan is expecting to be asked and why the rush to come up with a good cover story?! When is the confirmation, and who would your daughter like to sponsor her on the day? In our church only the child and sponsor are guaranteed a seat! Everyone else is first come first served.

FedupFreda

So then how has it gotten back to you that yer wan is expecting to be asked and why the rush to come up with a good cover story?!

I'm not trying to get a cover story. ...I asked for advice and have got some very helpful answers. I'm not going into the nitty gritty details on any forum. Thanks.

Big Bag of Chips

I'm not asking you to, but it seems like the confirmation child is being told who her sponsor is, rather than being asked who she wants it to be.

All I'm saying is it's nobody else's business. And a simple "I'm not sure who she's asking" should be enough for anyone who enquires.

fungun

Yeah I dont know what kind of personality disorder this person has that you all bow to her wishes, but Id do absolutely nothing. Your child does not want this person as her sponsor....so just when she decides who she does want, ask them. You dont tell people that they arent going to be the sponsor.

Clearly though, there is a lot of context that is unavailable to us in terms of how and why she is like this

FedupFreda

Yeah its not a black and white situation with SIL but we have not danced to her tune for a long time and thats they way we want to keep it. My child doesn't want her and I don't want to put any other family in sticky situation . Although we haven't mention this to any of them . It's my child's choice . If I can't do it she is quiet happy for her sister to do it. I will just be telling g SIL the same story as everyone else in extended family to come to the meal afterward and then its up to everyone to either come or not. Sorted. ..Thanks everyone for the advice.

Big Bag of Chips

Sorry to push this.... But....have you actually asked your daughter who she'd like to be her sponsor? And to think about it so she can ask them. From your posts it seems an hour ago you had volunteered yourself, and then when you found out you couldn't do it you volunteered your other daughter.

It's your child's decision and her "not minding" isn't the same as her making her own decision. If she's mature enough to decided she doesn't want it to be her aunt, then you should at least give her the credit to be able to ask someone herself.

FedupFreda

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Sorry to push this.... But....have you actually asked your daughter who she'd like to be her sponsor? And to think about it so she can ask them. From your posts it seems an hour ago you had volunteered yourself, and then when you found out you couldn't do it you volunteered your other daughter.

It's your child's decision and her "not minding" isn't the same as her making her own decision. If she's mature enough to decided she doesn't want it to be her aunt, then you should at least give her the credit to be able to ask someone herself.

It's ok your not pushing it. It was last year summer 2016 my girl first mentioned it to me. She said she didn't want the SIL to be her sponsor. She herself has four lovely aunties that she could ask but didn't want to pick one over the other and all her grandparents are elderly and not able. That's when I suggested myself and she was delighted. If she did want to pick an auntie even now there is no problem but they are all so good she can't choose. But she doesn't want the SIL in question. I have mentioned to her that I cannot now do sponsor and she is of the same opinion that she cannot choose between her other aunties. When I mentioned....not told her...That her older sis could do it she was happy as they get in great. Her older sister says she's up for it.

deisemum

The SIL will look very churlish to say the least if she tries to kick off over your older daughter being the sponsor. Hopefully it will go ahead without any carry on from her and that you'll all have a lovely day.

infogiver

FedupFreda wrote: »

My deranged narcissist sis in law was my girls god mother. Not by our choice but hers. Long standing family feud meant thankfully no contact for many years and peace reigned.... However a truce has been slightly restored over the past year and she has been invited to some family functions held in " neutral territory ". All in the family agree she has caused so much trouble for everyone that she should be kept at arms length but we should be civil when we meet. She has started to worm her way in again but to date has been held off by most of the family.

Problem is confirmation is coming up and my girl although not totally aware of all that has gone on was anxious she not be her sponsor. I said I would do it and there would be no problem. However word has seeped through that sis expects to be called upon.

As the groups are so big only bros and sister of the child with parent and grandparents have seats in the ceremony.

Could I tell her as with all the rest of extended family to meet us at a local hotel for a family meal in that way she would know she is not sponsor and...When. ..She mentions this i just brush it off saying we had agreed a long time ago with the child that I would do it. The child has not seen or heard of the aunt in nearly 10 years.

Would this work without her kicking off.

I don't understand any of this. Does this mean that I'm odd as f**k ? I'm genuinely asking here. I just don't understand.

amtc

Now I'm somewhat religious...not madly... but the point of a sponsor is to guide along religious path. My godmother is mine, I'm my cousin's. It's not just a day out!

FedupFreda

We are a religious family and try our best. We agree this is not just a day out. My girls older sister has more common sense ,compassion, love and faith in her than said supposed grown up SIL who plays mind games. There will be no problems and my girl will remember her special.day with her sister.

amtc

Sorry I didn't mean to assume. If anything it can't be worse than my confirmation day when my dad recognised the doctor who delivered me at a separate table and insisted on introducing us which I knew even at 12 was odd!

I think at this stage I'd get your husband to intervene and just present it as a fait accompli. No big deal just your way as a family of recognising that your older child is now in a position to take responsibility and it's a life lesson for her.

Ursus Horribilis

I'm glad it has been resolved, OP. I hope for all your sakes that your sister in law doesn't cause you more problems now that she's inching her way back into the family circle.

reeta

FedupFreda wrote: »

My deranged narcissist sis in law was my girls god mother. Not by our choice but hers. Long standing family feud meant thankfully no contact for many years and peace reigned.... However a truce has been slightly restored over the past year and she has been invited to some family functions held in " neutral territory ". All in the family agree she has caused so much trouble for everyone that she should be kept at arms length but we should be civil when we meet. She has started to worm her way in again but to date has been held off by most of the family.

Problem is confirmation is coming up and my girl although not totally aware of all that has gone on was anxious she not be her sponsor. I said I would do it and there would be no problem. However word has seeped through that sis expects to be called upon.

As the groups are so big only bros and sister of the child with parent and grandparents have seats in the ceremony.

Could I tell her as with all the rest of extended family to meet us at a local hotel for a family meal in that way she would know she is not sponsor and...When. ..She mentions this i just brush it off saying we had agreed a long time ago with the child that I would do it. The child has not seen or heard of the aunt in nearly 10 years.

Would this work without her kicking off.

Hi, so your SIL is (not was) your daughters god mother. I dont understand the "not by our choice but hers". How can anyone decide they are a godmother without the parents consent! You let that happen. Now, and I am presuming here, because you decided to keep the peace at the time, you are now in this dilemma.

Your daughter has not seen or heard from this person in 10 years,however unless things have really changed since my children made their confirmation it was automatic that the godmother was sponsor at confirmations etc.

I know I sound harsh but you need to decided yourself what to do. What did you SIL do that is so bad, there is certainly more than one side to any story.

I hope you daughter has a great day, which she know doubt deserves, all I am saying is make your own mind up rather than listening to the rest of the family.

Big Bag of Chips

reeta wrote: »

however unless things have really changed since my children made their confirmation it was automatic that the godmother was sponsor at confirmations etc.

It's not automatic, never was. Children usually have 2 Godparents, so whilst it's customary to have a Godparent as sponsor it doesn't automatically have to be the Godmother. I have 2 Godchildren, both of them had their Godfathers as their sponsors. My son has picked his Godfather to be his.

Irish_Elect_Eng

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

It's not automatic, never was. Children usually have 2 Godparents, so whilst it's customary to have a Godparent as sponsor it doesn't automatically have to be the Godmother. I have 2 Godchildren, both of them had their Godfathers as their sponsors. My son has picked his Godfather to be his.

In the West, it is traditional / default for the Godmother to sponsor girls and the Godfather to sponsor boys. But as sometimes happens with immigration, illness, etc, one or both Godparents may not be available or indeed the child may have a preference for another adult to be their sponsor.

As the OP says that her family is religious, they should genuinely look to whom the child will receive guidance from for their religious life, ideally a person that the child respects and whose guidance would be welcomed. Her sister may very well be that person.

In relation to how to break the news to your SIL, do it directly, not in a passive way with hints, be fair and save her the embarrassment of telling people that she will be the sponsor. You do not want anything happening on the day to spoil a wonderful event in your child's life.

Simply tell your SIL that your child has chosen her sister as a sponsor because she her sister is the person she most looks up to and who she shares her hopes and dreams with, they talk every day and share their worship every Sunday and that she wants the person that she goes to first for advice to be her sponsor on her big day. That is probably not all that far from the truth for most sisters.

If you want to dull the impact of telling the SIL, bring both the Godfather and Godmother together, perhaps over a coffee, so that you are telling them both at the same time and it is not "all about" the SIL. Or is they can't be together, mention during the conversation with the SIL that you have already spoken with the Godfather and the he was disappointed also.

Excerpt from an "Irish Catholic Article"

"A Confirmation candidate must choose a sponsor. In the early Church the three Sacraments of Christian Initiation were always celebrated as one liturgical event; therefore, there was never a different sponsor at Baptism and Confirmation. As the separation of Confirmation from Baptism occurred through the centuries, it became more common to have different persons act as sponsor for each sacrament. This tradition of involving a sponsor in the preparation of candidates for the Sacraments of Christian Initiation is an ancient approach to faith formation. The sponsor was a living witness and mentor who represented the values, beliefs and lifestyle of the Christian community. The sponsor would, in turn, witness to the community regarding the candidates’ readiness to be baptised into the faith community. The role of a sponsor was seen as a lifetime commitment, a relationship that would last throughout the individual’s journey of faith.

A Confirmation sponsor represents the believing community and supports the candidate as they prepare to become full members of the Church. It makes sense that a godparent at Baptism would also be the sponsor at Confirmation expressing more clearly the link between the two sacraments and also making the function and responsibility of the sponsor more effective. Sometimes by the time young people are preparing for Confirmation, they no longer know their godparents, or the godparents may just live too far away. These young people will need to choose a new sponsor. In this case, it is important to identify someone who can be trusted, who has faith and who will be present to some extent in the life of the child.

Gifts of the Spirit

The Church requires that the proposed sponsor would be a confirmed Catholic, at least 16 years old (for maturity) and a participating member of the Church. It is also important that the sponsor would pray for the candidate. The witness of the sponsor showing interest in the parish preparation programme and being present at the Service of Light leading up to the Confirmation day can have a lasting effect on a child. Perhaps a Bible or some religious symbol could be given as a gift to the child on their Confirmation day. This time of preparation is an ideal opportunity for the sponsor to put the Gifts of the Spirit into practice. Taking the name of their sponsor could remind the child of the witness of faith and the support they can have in the years to come.

The Catechism reminds us “I cannot believe without being carried by the faith of others, and by my faith I help support the faith of others in the Faith.” (CCC 166) Growth in faith happens within a believing community. The sponsor represents the believing community and that is why the role of sponsor in Confirmation preparation is so important."

Before anyone starts bashing me, I am not particularly religious, but respect the right of anyone with faith to follow their beliefs.