Wrong to break off engagement as mightn’t meet anyone else!

LolaBean

Hi all,

I’m female, 37 and last year I broke off my engagement to my boyfriend of four years. On the outside we looked like a happy couple but he could be quite controlling, jealous of my friendships and quite critical of the way I looked, telling me what clothes I should wear, what I should eat, even how I should do my makeup. It was all said under the guise of advice but it felt like daily criticism and really eroded my confidence. Regarding my friendships, it got to the stage where I couldn’t even go for a couple of after-work drinks with my friends because it would end up in a massive sulk with him saying that it was ‘freakish’ that we all got on so well. He himself wouldn’t have many friends. He had a lot of good points though, he could be very kind and funny. Not all bad.

I ended things with him two months after the proposal. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and he took it really badly, with lots of name calling, drunk abusive facebook messages etc. I felt really bad about it but at the same time like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

However, since then I haven’t moved on. At all. I gained a LOT of weight in the last couple of years of our relationship, eating and drinking too much, and I haven’t lost it. I knew deep down that I was eating my unhappy feelings away, but even though we’re now broken up, I haven’t been able to get back to my formerly normal-sized, quite confident self. I really have just let myself go and feel unhappy and stuck.

The final straw came a few weeks ago when a couple of my friends told me that they thought I was wrong to break up with him. They said I might not have many other options as I’ve put on the weight (charming!!) and that no-one’s relationship is perfect and ‘at your age maybe you should’ve stuck with him’. I was furious but to be honest it touched a nerve. For one thing, I think I would like to have a child at some point in the future so time is running out. But I think subconsciously I’m afraid to get involved again and am hiding behind my ‘fat shield’ to avoid any new relationship. I don't want to repeat the same experience again, and I always seem to attract relationships like this.

Can anyone give me advice on how to move forward with my life? I need reassurance that I did the right thing breaking up with him, as despite myself I have let my friends’ words get into my head.

Thanks very much in advance.

Sephiroth_dude

LolaBean wrote: »

Hi all,

I’m female, 37 and last year I broke off my engagement to my boyfriend of four years. On the outside we looked like a happy couple but he could be quite controlling, jealous of my friendships and quite critical of the way .

Reading the above paragraph I can tell You straight away you did the right thing, if you had gone through with it, you'd be living a life of misery, that's no life for anyone.

LolaBean wrote: »

Hi all,





The final straw came a few weeks ago when a couple of my friends told me that they thought I was wrong to break up with him. They said I might not have many other options as I’ve put on the weight (charming!!) and that no-one’s relationship is perfect and ‘at your age maybe you should’ve stuck with him’. I was furious but to be honest it touched a nerve. For one thing, I think I would like to have a child at some point in the future so time is running out. But I think subconsciously I’m afraid to get involved again and am hiding behind my ‘fat shield’ to avoid any new relationship. I don't want to repeat the same experience again, and I always seem to attract relationships like this.

They sound like great friends :rolleyes: if I were you I'd cut them out of your life and find new ones, nobody needs toxic people like that in there life, there holding you back and never mind them about saying you'll never meet someone again. Concentrate on yourself for now and don't worry about future relationships, you've just come out of an abusive one, you need time too grief that one.

kulekat

You did the right thing.
The warning signs were there..controlling, jealous, and abusive when u called it off.

Well done...it could of gotten very nasty if u did get married, as that would be ultimate control (financial, legal etc)

adam88

kulekat wrote: »

You did the right thing.
The warning signs were there..controlling, jealous, and abusive when u called it off.

Well done...it could of gotten very nasty if u did get married, as that would be ultimate control (financial, legal etc)

You can't have put on that much weight and even if you did, it doesn't matter. Your right not to have stayed with him. I'd rather to remain single than be in a relationship that's not good for me

Warriorgirl

Hi Lolabean,

You absolutely did the right thing in breaking up with your boyfriend. A relationship is supposed to enhance your confidence not destroy it. I broke up with my partner who used to say really hurtful things and try and pass them off as a joke. Like you my self esteem and confidence took a dive. If you were to have married his controlling behaviour would have probably worsened.

A lot of people stay in very unhealthy relationships for fear of being alone. Personally I think this is sad and would rather be alone for the rest of my life than in a toxic relationship. There is nothing lonelier. Your friends obviously fall into that camp.

When I broke up with my ex partner, like you I felt huge relief. I did miss certain aspects of the relationship and being in a relationship but never regretted my decision!

Nobody knows what is around the corner. Life can take unexpected terms. You were in an unhealthy relationship and it takes time to heal. Maybe take the focus off meeting someone and worrying about future. What about building yourself up again. Going to counselling and or exercising.

I think you are strong and brave and are to be applauded. Get your confidence back, build yourself up and while we do have to compromise don't settle for someone who doesn't make you feel good about yourself.

Good luck!

dellas1979

OP - I applaud you for stopping a marriage that wouldnt have worked!

I mean, that was beyond courageous of you. I dont think you give yourself enough credit.

Who you feel bad for (when you say eating your emotions). Him or you?

Because you saved yourself from an unhappy fate. You did it. You saved yourself. And you can do it again.

If you feel more confident with less weight, then you can loose it. Make yourself happy first. And then maybe take a step of meeting someone (if you choose).

You are still very young (and I say that as same age as you). And youve a hell of a lot of years ahead of you.

banoffe2

Congratulations Lolabean and well done on having the courage to end things.
All the red flags were there and it is so much easier to do the wrong than the right thing, of course your confidence is temporarily shattered and you became an emotional eater for comfort. Never mind those negative comments you got from so called friends.

You are still grieving and will continue to do so for what might have been but you have done so well in finding the courage to be true to yourself and end an unhealthy relationship

Don't be hard on yourself, you can and will make a fresh start, if you think that joining a group would help motivate you to loose the extra pounds gained and boost your confidence you have lots of options. As soon as the pounds begin to fall off the confidence will be increasing and you will feel good about yourself and a brand new beginning. Best of luck and well done :D:D

Rachiee

You absolutely did the right thing, if you had married him you would of spent the rest of your life in doubting your value as a person while he became more and more controlling well done on having the courage to leave.
Im pretty horrified by your friends attitudes to be honest being happy is way more important than being married, dont focus on what ifs of the future focus on building yourself back up and everything else will fall in to place.

cactusgal

I broke off an engagement while in my 30s. It was awful, but the one thing that really helped me through it was my family and friends telling me that they really respected me for making such a tough decision, and that I was really brave for doing what I knew was the right thing for both me and my ex. Mind you, my ex wasn't a bad guy, but not the right choice of life partner nevertheless.

Your ex wasn't nice to you, you're feeling crap about the break up, and your "friends" proceed to tell you that you should've settled for a guy who doesn't treat you with respect bc you're so old and so 37 and not as slim as you were before? Wtf?

Seriously, OP, get new friends. Seriously. Life is a short and precious gift, don't waste it on people who make you feel bad about yourself.

cactusgal

I broke off an engagement while in my 30s. It was awful, but the one thing that really helped me through it was my family and friends telling me that they really respected me for making such a tough decision, and that I was really brave for doing what I knew was the right thing for both me and my ex. Mind you, my ex wasn't a bad guy, but not the right choice of life partner nevertheless.

Your ex wasn't nice to you, you're feeling crap about the break up, and your "friends" proceed to tell you that you should've settled for a guy who doesn't treat you with respect bc you're so old and so 37 and not as slim as you were before? Wtf?

Seriously, OP, get new friends. Seriously. Life is a short and precious gift, don't waste it on people who make you feel bad about yourself.

LolaBean

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I am in tears reading them, it's so nice to feel that I'm not mad to have made this decision.

Everyone that said that my 'friends' are not all that - I agree! It's funny because although both of them are married, they are not in what I would call happy relationships. One is fighting with her husband all the time, to the point where it's uncomfortable being in their company. The other is married with two children but told me on a drunken hen night last year that she had a secret relationship with a girl we know, also on the hen, that she lived with years ago, and wishes they hadn't broken up. They ended up kissing that same night while her husband looked on from where he was meant to be picking her up. I thought it was sad that she was denying her true feelings, and horrible for him to have to see. I don't think either of them are very happy but yet they are handing out relationship advice!

These are two girls that I have been friends with since I was in school. I don't get the same unsupportive comments from other friends, they are behind me 100%. Maybe it's time I cut these ones and moved on. It's hard though when you've grown up with them, and maybe I give too much weight to their opinions.

Big Bag of Chips

No relationship is perfect. But no relationship should chip away at your confidence either. Your friends' opinions on your life are irrelevant. They're not living it. Nobody can ever fully know what goes on in anybody else's relationship. Maybe your friends have settled for not being happy. Or maybe they're happy 95% of the time and their problems are the usual run of the mill problems all relationships have.

But they're not you. They didn't live with your bf 24/7. They didn't go home to him after a night out, knowing he was going to be sulking and making some derogatory comment about you or them. They didn't listen to his daily 'concern' and 'advice'.

You were absolutely right to end the relationship. You are still young. Who knows what the next year brings. Maybe children will happen, maybe they won't. But at least if you do go on to have children, they won't have their dad constantly chipping away at their mam.

Don't focus too much on what might or might not be. Make a genuine effort to make yourself happy. Whatever that is. Once you're happy, it won't matter what anyone else thinks!! If you're unhappy people will pick up on it, and offer all sorts of unwanted crap advice!

LolaBean

Dellas1979 - I can't quote to answer you for some reason but when I say I was eating my emotions, I meant I was eating because I felt bad because of the relationship I was in, generally. I just started eating more and more and drinking wine to a band playing and didn't really ask myself why it was happening, I just did it. When I eventually copped on and asked myself, I had to admit it was because I was really unhappy with where the relationship was going.

I thought it would miraculously change once we broke up - sadly I've yet to have a healthy living epiphany!

Thanks for your reply, I appreciate it.

LolaBean

BigBagofChips thank you so much for that post. Not having my 'maybe kids' having to listen to dad constantly chipping away at their mam just resounded so much with me. That would be no relationship to bring children into. It puts things into perspective.

Who knows what way things will work out. At least I'm seeing here that it's better to be on my own, as other people have said, than in a crap relationship. Sure what kind of life is that.

Airyfairy12

Oh my god you need new friends.

You did the right thing, you would have married him for all the wrong reasons and lived the rest of your life in total misery. Men like him gradually get worse over time, after marriage you'd have had no life and no confidence. So many women get married for the wrong reasons and end up getting divorced or they become stuck in a cycle of abuse. Its no life and youre worth more and life's too short.

If your weight is bothering you then lose it for you, get this idea of a relationship out of your head and focus on yourself. Join some yoga or dance classes, do something fun, whatever it takes to get 'you' back.

Maybe write a small list of things youve wanted or would like to have/do but felt restricted because of the relationship, could be something as simple as buying a dress, perfume or shade of lipstick youve wanted to wear but your partner would never have approved of, you could go on a holiday somewhere youve wanted to go, have more good nights out with friends. Id be using this time to enjoy your new found freedom, get your confidence back.

Clampdown

I had the same issues with my ex, I'm similar age to you, and we weren't engaged but lived together. I had also put on weight towards the end due to drinking and eating away my unhappiness.

I left her, it was painful, but I lost the weight, and even though I'm alone, the relief of the stress far outweighs that.

Your friend is wrong. you have way way more options now than someone trapped in a crap marriage, don't you think? Don't be so hard on yourself with the weight, it can come off from small changes. I never went to the gym, just quit booze and ate less and walked more, tbh I feel a lot of it is in your mind.

Without all the guilt and criticism you will probably find it easier to lose weight and look great, proving that the relationship was literally weighing you down. And then when you want to scoff a burger or something you can actually enjoy it.

You did the right thing and your friend should be applauding your bravery not putting you down. Maybe she's secretly jealous of your backbone and newfound freedom.

bee06

LolaBean wrote: »

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I am in tears reading them, it's so nice to feel that I'm not mad to have made this decision.

Everyone that said that my 'friends' are not all that - I agree! It's funny because although both of them are married, they are not in what I would call happy relationships. One is fighting with her husband all the time, to the point where it's uncomfortable being in their company. The other is married with two children but told me on a drunken hen night last year that she had a secret relationship with a girl we know, also on the hen, that she lived with years ago, and wishes they hadn't broken up. They ended up kissing that same night while her husband looked on from where he was meant to be picking her up. I thought it was sad that she was denying her true feelings, and horrible for him to have to see. I don't think either of them are very happy but yet they are handing out relationship advice!

These are two girls that I have been friends with since I was in school. I don't get the same unsupportive comments from other friends, they are behind me 100%. Maybe it's time I cut these ones and moved on. It's hard though when you've grown up with them, and maybe I give too much weight to their opinions.

It sounds like your friends are miserable and would feel better about themselves it you were in a miserable relationship too.

You did the right thing, you already know this.

milli milli

OP there are a whole load of people who must be married by X age, to have the mortgage and the kids. When they get to a certain age the pressure is on and their friends are in a cycle of constant engagements/weddings/baby showers.
So many of them settle - they want the engagement and wedding and to be 'normal' and to fit in. They don't see an alternative.
Your two friends are like this, both settled and are deeply unhappy. There are so many separations nowadays.

Obviously it's tough if you want kids.
I'm older than you and single. There are a few people in my life who put the pressure on me and basically tell me to settle for a certain man. I wouldn't ever do this - it's not fair for either of us. I wouldn't want to be another divorce statistic because I forced a relationship with someone I didn't like just so I wouldn't be alone.

And totally agree with the other posters. That guy was Red Flag Central. Let this time be time for you, time to work on yourself, time to figure out what makes you happy.
I've known women who once they got out of terrible relationships - one's that were dragging them down - completely transformed themselves into amazing women; independent, interesting and attractive.

I think this is your time now to look after yourself and be whoever and whatever you want to be. Best of luck.

cbyrd

LolaBean wrote:

I thought it would miraculously change once we broke up - sadly I've yet to have a healthy living epiphany!

Nothing will miraculously happen until you decide it will.
Firstly, I'd give the friends a wide berth for a while. Not ditch them entirely, they said you are fat, you said you're fat, did they know your relationship from the inside, as you said , from the outside it looked good. Sometimes concern can come across wrong.
Secondly, join a slimming group. It's very difficult to lose weight without some support. Who knows, you might make more friends. Then get exercising. It's good for body AND mind, it'll boost your confidence and help shift weight quicker.
It's often the further away from a problem the clearer we see it. Give yourself time to grieve and eventually you will realise what a good decision it was.
Block him on all social media too, his angry messages should reinforce your decision.
Good luck

redfox123

The truth is your 'friends' are jealous you made that decision, and they didn't have the courage to get out of their bad relationships and just settled for them because it was the thing to do, the easier option. Seriously you made the right decision. In a way the harshness of what they said was basically 'we have settled for our crappy men, you should have to'. Yes they may too have been concerned for you and it may have come out the wrong way and upset you because you're feeling vulnerable and have not fully moved on from the relationship.

They see you gaining weight and they see you unhappy and doubting your decision, and perhaps insensitively questioned why you ended it. Maybe you commented about how you're concerned you won't meet someone and you would like children? Like other posters have said I bet they had no idea how that man made you feel. They really didn't know how much he eroded your confidence, I'm sure you haven't told them every slight and insult he directed at you. Nobody truly understand til they've been in this situation how much it drains and changes you as a person, you become a shadow of yourself and the constant critisism would eat away at the strongest person. It's no life.

There is a world of difference between an 'imperfect' relationship, which every one is, and a fundamentally abusive, damaging one devoid of real love.

I think some counselling would benefit you. I think you need to stop stressing about your single status and fully accept that the relationship you had would never have worked. You didn't love him. He was abusive. There is only one reality and it could never have been any other way, the way things are are because it was meant to be like it is. There is no parallel life you maybe should have lived, fully accept this and it will help you move on. Thinking it could have been any other way is simply crazy thinking because you only have now, you have one life, don't doubt yourself and what you feel, you followed your gut and your heart and your friends are jealous that you did so, and will have a freer happier future than them. When you fully accept yourself and each day as it comes you will feel amazing and so happy you didn't go through with the marriage. It wasn't right and he would never have changed, you would have been living a lie.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I was in a similar position a few years ago. I was living with someone who was chipping away at me in small ways like 'you're not pretty but you have something about you' or 'maybe a bigger size would look better on you' small things that I couldn't quite put my finger on, sabotaging diets, alienating friends and family. It took me months to get it together enough to break up. It was hard, horrible and people I thought would be supportive weren't. I had underestimated how manipulative he could be.

I had piled on the weight while with him and it really affected me. I promised myself that the next person I got into a relationship with would not treat me like that, that it would be a loving relationship.

I am now recently married to a wonderful, kind and fantastic man who I know adores me. I feel the same for him. He has never said one thing that was hurtful or unkind. We are trying for a baby and I am slowly continuing to loose the weight. I look back at that time and I am grateful that I left because of what I have now.

Tackle the weight- I flaked out of weight watchers but slimming world suits me. Find what suits you. Know your value, don't settle and be good to yourself.

Sound Bite

I think calling off an engagement in an incredibly brave and difficult thing to do. I have nothing but admiration for you. I know of two couples who are miserably married because people didn't have that courage & decided a horrible marraige was better than being single again and heading towards 40! They are miserable and now have kids and are more miserable...anyway i digress.

Misery loves company and i would hazard a guess that your "friends" are actually jealous of your strength & ability to walk away from you situation when neither of them had the courage to do so. There's no doubt you made the right decision- don't let anyone make you doubt yourself.

Re the weight loss, download the app my fitness pal & start recording what you eat. The app does all the counting for you. Once you start realising what you are eating (rather than passively eating), your mindset will change & you'll make better food choices.

dixiefly

LolaBean wrote: »

Hi all,

I’m female, 37 and last year I broke off my engagement to my boyfriend of four years. On the outside we looked like a happy couple but he could be quite controlling, jealous of my friendships and quite critical of the way I looked, telling me what clothes I should wear, what I should eat, even how I should do my makeup. It was all said under the guise of advice but it felt like daily criticism and really eroded my confidence. Regarding my friendships, it got to the stage where I couldn’t even go for a couple of after-work drinks with my friends because it would end up in a massive sulk with him saying that it was ‘freakish’ that we all got on so well. He himself wouldn’t have many friends. He had a lot of good points though, he could be very kind and funny. Not all bad.

I ended things with him two months after the proposal. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and he took it really badly, with lots of name calling, drunk abusive facebook messages etc. I felt really bad about it but at the same time like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

However, since then I haven’t moved on. At all. I gained a LOT of weight in the last couple of years of our relationship, eating and drinking too much, and I haven’t lost it. I knew deep down that I was eating my unhappy feelings away, but even though we’re now broken up, I haven’t been able to get back to my formerly normal-sized, quite confident self. I really have just let myself go and feel unhappy and stuck.

The final straw came a few weeks ago when a couple of my friends told me that they thought I was wrong to break up with him. They said I might not have many other options as I’ve put on the weight (charming!!) and that no-one’s relationship is perfect and ‘at your age maybe you should’ve stuck with him’. I was furious but to be honest it touched a nerve. For one thing, I think I would like to have a child at some point in the future so time is running out. But I think subconsciously I’m afraid to get involved again and am hiding behind my ‘fat shield’ to avoid any new relationship. I don't want to repeat the same experience again, and I always seem to attract relationships like this.

Can anyone give me advice on how to move forward with my life? I need reassurance that I did the right thing breaking up with him, as despite myself I have let my friends’ words get into my head.

Thanks very much in advance.

Listen, it's not even a debate regarding this. Your were 100% right to finish things (based on your post). As for your friends' comments perhaps they dont know the full story or are a tad naive but you were right.

It's hard to say what your direction should be but the first thing you should do is change your mindset from one of regret / unsure that you did the right thing to one of positivity. Be happy (ecstatic) that you got out of a life changing relationship and not have some control over your direction in future. Try and identify hobbies, goals etc. If necessary try and foster new friends, an activity, club etc. Volunteer if you have the time.

This is all possible whereas if you had married / had kids with that guy you would have been in an awful position.

Ursus Horribilis

LolaBean wrote: »

I thought it would miraculously change once we broke up - sadly I've yet to have a healthy living epiphany!
.

If healthy living epiphanies were a thing, there'd scarcely be an overweight person in the country. Emotional eating is a very complex thing. It's rare that anyone wakes up in the morning and decides to live on a diet of steamed fish and kale for the foreseeable future. You've been through more than you think you have. A controlling partner, the stress of the break-up, worrying if you'll meet someone else and now the words of these two "friends". Eating the wrong things is a bad habit too and a tough one to break. So be gentle on yourself.

If you're serious about losing the weight, then maybe you should think about joining the likes of Slimming World or Weight Watchers. Many people swear by this way of losing weight because you're being weighed every week, you get support from other people and you'll get good information/recipe ideas that'll help you slim down.

The biggest weight you need to shed are those two friends of yours. It's possible that if you met them today for the first time, you might not become friends with them. Many old friendships going back to school don't last the distance. I'm not suggesting you shut them out of your life completely but that you downgrade them in your life to acquaintances. People you can chat to on a night out or on the street but then walk away from.

LynnGrace

Echoing what others have said OP, not wrong at all, very brave and a very difficult thing to do, I can only imagine.

Just to add, try to think of what happens next as a new phase of your life. Whatever you decide to do, it's for yourself, and it's onwards and upwards. If your weight is something you want to tackle, let it be for yourself you do it. There's a lot of good advice here on boards in that respect. Start small, and take things from there.

Know who your true friends are, and draw them close.
Above all else, take care of yourself.

Dr Crayfish

I would say your friends just want you to be as miserable as they are. You did the right thing, good luck with your new life.

Doddledoo32

Fair play to you, your friends are all able to comment on your relationship now it's gone but guaranteed if tables were turned they wouldn't appreciate it... you know you were right , why would you want to be with someone like that , and how amazingly brave you were to be able to walk away. Be gentle with yourself you are doing the best you can for you x

Bambi985

your friends both married the wrong person due to societal/peer pressures and fear of not fitting in with the status quo. you had higher standards for yourself and you didn't, and that makes them uncomfortable because it highlights their own weaknesses.

ditch them like a bad smell for one. and for two, applaud yourself. you did the mature, adult and rational thing. a lot of people in their 30s, particularly Irish people, do what's expected of them with disastrous consequences in the decades ahead, with dysfunctional families and kids who are damaged the worst by it all.

give yourself a pat on the back and learn to respect yourself a bit more. emotional eating is a tough trap to climb out of but it can be done, if you learn to tune into yourself a bit more and let the hard emotions be felt when they come. write in a diary, go for long walks with your ipod, perhaps some time with a counsellor could help.

LolaBean

I've read and re-read all the replies to this thread and want to give my heartfelt thanks to everyone who responded. I feel so much better now! There was something to think about in every reply.

I have decided to back away from the two friends in question and spend a lot more time with my friends who are supportive. I won't fall out with them, but I have decided to distance myself. They can live their lives with their negativity and good luck to them but I don't need it interfering in my life.

I've been thinking about counselling for a while so this has made my mind up. I'm also going to join Slimming World tomorrow and work on getting the weight off. I feel more positive about things than in a long while! Thank you all so much!

Dixie Chick

I can only agree with what basically 100% of all the other people who posted here said. I went through a big break up 6 years ago around this time and while it should have been traumatic, the actual feeling of relief far outweighed anything. Looks like you felt a similar relief. I think that was very brave of you.

Ach sure your friends obviously are just "putting up" with their lives and probably feel like you should to. You don't need people like that around you. You sound like a lovely person, I bet you will have plenty of friends besides them!

You are lucky you did not have a child with this guy, imagine where you would be now having to deal with him for access etc...shudder.

banoffe2

Well done again Lolabean you are doing great and remind yourself of this as frequent as you can, in time the pain and loss of what might have been will lessen and both your ex and the relationship will take up less of your focus, thoughts and energy and it will be replace with new healthy and exciting stuff, remember every single journey begins with one single tiny step. Your courage and honesty is admirable XX

Emme

OP well done in getting rid of the abusive fiance. He may not have liked your friends but they seem to have the same mindset as him. They are putting you down now you have done something positive with your life. You need new friends.

You have taken one step forward now you need to take more. Try combining your weightloss and fitness with making new friends. Join a bootcamp group, a hillwalking group or a meetup group that has a fitness focus. Some bootcamp groups have a social element such as weekends away, ski trips, surf trips etc.

I hope you meet someone and have children but it's better not to have children than to bring children into an abusive relationship.

LegacyUser

It is not easy to walk away or end an engagement but some times you have to do this. You were lucky to realise that you could have ended up in an unhappy marriage with a control freak. Some times we see and experince things that our freinds and family don't know about and it can make us realise things have to change.

In regards to your so called freinds saying you should have married him when you know they both have unhappy relationships - well I would just ignore them. In fact I would just in a nice way get them out of your life.

I have seen people rush into realtionships. I watched a man I know not go out with this great woman because he realised that at times she would tell him what he needed to hear and this may not have always been what he wanted to hear.
I have seen people get into realtionships and realising early on they were not with the right person but staying with them because they did not want to be on their own.

It is far easier to walk away from an engagement than a bad marriage where you could have a child or children involved.

In regards to you weight I would join slimming world and a gym. Get a programe done by a personal trainer as they can take into consideration your fitness now and amend the programme as you get fitter. The gym will get you out of the house/apt also.
I know a few years ago I was very heavy and I did this. As I started to eat better I felt better and the weight started to come off me. I will never be a size 10 but I am fitter and look better now than I have for a long time.