Having relationship problems

snoozy44

Hi everyone I've got some problems with my gf not really sure what to do some advice would be helpful. We've been together a very long time now over 5 years and while we've never had any huge fights small stuff has just seemed to gradually build up over the years, but its only in the last couple of months arguments have become more frequent with each passing day now I feel like were moving further and further apart.

It's gone on for so long that I honestly don't know when it started but to me it just feels like whatever I do its not good enough, basically whenever something doesn't go how she wants it go, for example I didn't interact with other people enough at a party or that I'm careless or rude while telling a joke. she gets very angry and calls me all kinds of stuff like I'm useless, worthless etc, sometimes its worse than other times its depends on the severity of incident but it always the same kind of argument whatever it ends up being about, and sometimes threatening to break it off if I don't change my ways and no matter what I say when shes in these moods she can't be reasoned with.

Its the same with different events in life too there was a period after college were I had no job she was getting angry in the same manner because she felt I wasn't doing enough to get a job, I eventually got one but left because I didn't like it and again she was angry because she felt I was an embarrassment by leaving a job, although I quickly picked up another I was happy with, currently its the same angry attitude but now its about driving, I personally don't see any urgency too and its an expense I could do without, however she feels its embarrassing now that I don't drive and if I don't learn quickly its over. Regardless of what the problem is it feels like its never ending I rarely agree with her when she gets angry and tend to stand my ground, she eventually cools off and apologies with telling me she only gets angry because she just wants whats best for me.

The other problem I'm having is the sex life is effectively nonexistent and if I'm being honest it has been for roughly 2 years now, she was never great at it but before she always tried her best and I always tried to be understanding of that and appreciated that she at least tried. But now there's absolutely nothing I've tried to start something occasional but its almost always shot down I've lost count of the last time she tried to make an effort its probably about 5 or 6 months at this stage, when I do try to bring the issue up she feels that sex isn't all that important to the relationship and that she would try more but she's too conscious about her weight but I've never had any problem with that whatsoever.

In terms of other aspects of our relationship the vast majority of the time she's great and we do get on well which is probably why we've been together so long now but the issues above have honestly been dogging me for too long now and talking seems to be getting me nowhere.

So any advice would be great, the obvious thing to do would be break up with her myself but it feels like a shame to end it after so long

happywithlife

I take it you're still young - get out now. Life is too short to be so unhappy at such a young age. Your 5 years together won't be wasted - we all should have one long term relationship at least that we look back on and think that was the foundation course that we learnt the basis of good relationships from. But 5 years during your late teens / early 20's (I'm assuming) shouldn't commit you to a forever after relationship - especially when two of the 5 years have been unhappy
Break it off travel learn to live life again with enthusiasm

snoozy44

In my late 20s actually but other than that point taken, I usually am quite an enthusiastic person but lately yeah I do feel pretty drained of energy

Degringola

She shows contempt for you - "useless, worthless."  Contempt is the death-knell of a relationship once it rears its ugly head.
She disrespects you and doesn't see you as an equal.
She says sex isn't all that important in a relationship.  She doesn't care how you feel about it.
She gets angry with you but it's for your own good, said every abuser ever.
She issues ultimations and threatens to break up if you don't do what she wants.
I would call her bluff and run for the hills.  Do you want to spend your life with a domineering ball-breaker?  You will never be good enough in her eyes.  You say you stand up to her, but what's this 'relationship' doing for your self-esteem and confidence?  Do you enjoy being monitored and admonished when you're out socially?
If a friend or brother told you what you've told us, what would you say to him?  Would you tell him that once he gets his driving license everything will be hunky dory?  Or would you tell him that nothing will ever be good enough for her?
Please leave.

LegacyUser

The damage has been done. The roles are firmly in place. She feels subconsciously she can treat you like this because you have let her ( you may say you've stood your ground but have you ended it?have you walked away, no) She is probably frustrated at perhaps a lack of drive and I would say you are probably rather laid back yes? That is well and good but when it comes to someone like your gf gradually she loses respect for you and because (in her eyes)you lack drive and are going to coast along with her then there's no challenge and she will continue to fault find in you. You absolutely need to walk away. No discussion no nothing just say I see you've lost respect for me and I'm out. She will plead with you most likely but say nothing.
If however you really want a future with her then you need to sit down and have ONE talk about things. Say to her she has to listen to your feelings, if she doesn't then walk away. She probably wants you to get yourself together and perhaps propose, get a house together etc but doesn't see you doing that so is acting out in the way she is. If you want it to work you need to get to the bottom of why she is acting like she is. If it is the above say you won't do any of this until she starts respecting you. When a woman loses respect for a man she loses attraction for him. That too can be turned around. At the moment she is in control with her threats of breaking up.

Wesser

If she is making you unhappy then i think you should leave.

Why doesnot she care more about your feelings re driving than what others may think / embarrassment.

No sex for 2 years is pretty bad. Might turn into no sex for the rest of your life. Are you OK with this?

Big Bag of Chips

You should suggest relationship counselling with her. She sounds like she knows she's being a bit harsh, but still in her mind she thinks she is only trying to get you to better yourself. Relationship counselling would help you to communicate better with each other. The problem is, somewhere along the line she has forgotten how to communicate with you.

Now, in saying all that, the sex is another issue. And if it's something she doesn't see as important, that's fair enough. But, if you do see it as important then that is a very fundamental issue where you are not compatible. Communication can be worked on. I would say if sex was good before the issues started, that maybe sorting out the communication problems could lead to a better sex life. But if it was never great to begin with, it's hardly likely to dramatically change.

If she's interested in working on your relationship and on her behaviour your relationship can survive. But you really shouldn't stick out a bad relationship just because you think you've invested too much time in it. You're late 20s... You've potentially another 60 years to live. You don't have to plod through life making yourselves miserable.

Rekop dog

snoozy44 wrote: »

In terms of other aspects of our relationship the vast majority of the time she's great

So aside from the constant belittling and 2 years of enforced abstinence it's all good!

I'm not sure if there's some sort of Stockholm syndrome type situation at play here but it seems surreal that you can call her great despite all you've described in your post, she sounds horrible.

This seems so far behind repair, there's far better options out there, cut ties now while you're still relatively young, or settle for a sexless life with someone who deeply resents you.

Rekop dog

Also please do not listen to people suggesting to work at it or go to counseling. If this was the other way around, and a female OP saying her boyfriend called her useless or worthless, the replies would be unanimous saying he's trying to control you or destroy your confidence. Can't see any difference here but there always seems to be a big disparity of tone of replies based on sex of OP.

snoozy44

{Rekop dog} wrote:

So aside from the constant belittling and 2 years of enforced abstinence it's all good!

I'm not sure if there's some sort of Stockholm syndrome type situation at play here but it seems surreal that you can call her great despite all you've described in your post, she sounds horrible.

This seems so far behind repair, there's far better options out there, cut ties now while you're still relatively young, or settle for a sexless life with someone who deeply resents you.

As sad as it is I think you may be onto something with the Stockholm stuff, yeah I dunno I guess reflecting on years past I've had a lot of good memories with her that's perhaps clouding my better judgement of the here and now.

I've read all the comments and everyone resoundingly has the same opinion more or less which says a lot and I probably should of come to this conclusion sooner myself but better late than never I guess

Big Bag of Chips

As I am the only poster who suggested you maybe try to find a way to work on your relationship, I'll take it the previous poster is taking a pop at my advice and my 'gender bias'. I'd like to point out that I replied similar to a woman who posted about her 'controlling partner' earlier.

All too often advice on internet message boards is "end it". It's very easy to advise strangers they know nothing about to end a relationship that they know nothing about and are making a judgement based on a few lines of text.

You know your gf, nobody here does. You know the intricacies of your relationship. Nobody here does. Maybe your relationship is done. Maybe it can be worked on. Relationships very often go through bad patches where communication is lacking or non existent. If that can be worked on, the relationship can survive. Of course, often relationships break down because it's just gone too far or one person just doesn't have the energy or want to work through problems. And of course relationships break down due to abusive behaviours from a partner. You are the only one best placed to decide where you, your gf and your relationship fall in that regard.

Wesser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

As I am the only poster who suggested you maybe try to find a way to work on your relationship, I'll take it the previous poster is taking a pop at my advice and my 'gender bias'. I'd like to point out that I replied similar to a woman who posted about her 'controlling partner' earlier.

All too often advice on internet message boards is "end it". It's very easy to advise strangers they know nothing about to end a relationship that they know nothing about and are making a judgement based on a few lines of text.

You know your gf, nobody here does. You know the intricacies of your relationship. Nobody here does. Maybe your relationship is done. Maybe it can be worked on. Relationships very often go through bad patches where communication is lacking or non existent. If that can be worked on, the relationship can survive. Of course, often relationships break down because it's just gone too far or one person just doesn't have the energy or want to work through problems. And of course relationships break down due to abusive behaviours from a partner. You are the only one best placed to decide where you, your gf and your relationship fall in that regard.

Very good well rounded advice.

Rekop dog

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

As I am the only poster who suggested you maybe try to find a way to work on your relationship, I'll take it the previous poster is taking a pop at my advice and my 'gender bias'. I'd like to point out that I replied similar to a woman who posted about her 'controlling partner' earlier.

There was very little context given in that other thread so it's not comparable. Your advice you've given here is just plain bad.

OP states "It's gone on for so long that I honestly don't know when it started but to me it just feels like whatever I do its not good enough". This suggest a very long term chipping away from his other half to a point where his confidence seems to be on the floor. She undermines how he interacts with others, was horribly unsupportive of him when he was trying to find work. Again undermining him about the driving issue, calling him and embarrassment when he has a perfectly reasonable explanation why he doesn't want to at this time. Calls him worthless and useless which is a further ploy to erode his confidence.

This is not a lack or breakdown of communication issue, it's a bullying one and the sooner OP realises it the better so he can start a more fulfilling life with someone less rancid.

MuffinTop86

Big bag of chips makes the most sense here.
While your girlfriend's belittling of you is wholly unacceptable, understand that it MIGHT (obvs I could be wrong) be down to the fact that she's become a bit unhappy in herself.
It sounds like you're just stuck in a rut. My bf and I just turned 30. Neither of us drive either and we've been together 6 years.
I'd guess you both do mostly the same thing every evening after work. Try to make a few small changes to that. Choose an evening to take up a new skill, go to the cinema together, go for a walk.
If that doesn't work think again, but don't immediately jump to the dump.

Big Bag of Chips

Rekop dog wrote: »

There was very little context given in that other thread so it's not comparable.

Enough context for everyone else to tell her that she had to leave him. You posted that if the genders were reversed I would be telling the OP to leave. I'm pointing out that you're wrong about that. As it turns out, she is left with little choice but leave him. I never suggested she, or you OP should stay. But I never suggested that they automatically jump to leave either. It's only after teasing things out a bit that an OP can come to the decision that is right for them.

Rekop dog wrote: »

Your advice you've given here is just plain bad.

That's for the OP to decide. He posts here and gets different replies, it's up to him to decide what is relevant to his situation and what is not. None of my advice might be relevant to him, or something might trigger something. All relationships don't have to automatically end because of some trouble.

My own relationship went through a terrible patch last year, and I know if I posted here the unanimous advice would have been to leave. I am slow to advise anyone to leave their relationships, and even I would have advised me to leave. There would have been no other option! I was preparing myself to leave. Trying to put in place supports for when my marriage would end. But then, it turned around. We worked through it as a couple and are still together and getting back to the way we were when we first started going out, almost 20 years ago.

If I posted a quarter of the details of my marriage troubles here, I'd be told there was no chance for my marriage. Yet here we are... And we're not just flogging a dead horse, we have a good relationship. I'm not saying it was easy, and I'm not saying it all magically worked out over night, but it is 1000% better than it was this time last year. So yes, the OP's relationship may very well be over... Or it may not. It's not up to anyone here to tell him that if he decides one way or the other that he is wrong.

snoozy44

It's good to hear both sides of the argument here in terms of what Bag of Chips is saying, and true enough nobody here knows me or my relationship and yes I do feel somewhat burned out from everything but my main gripe here is yes I could probably resolve my current issue but this isn't the first time she's behaved in this manner and I don't feel it will be the last. a lot of the suggestions MuffinTop86 makes is stuff that we've already being doing regularly for quiet awhile now.

Big Bag of Chips

If you're not interested in working on it, nobody could blame you. It's your life, after all. Youve put up with this for years. But often a couple can't work through their problems together, because they are the problems. So, often it needs a 3rd party to have a look at the relationship and point out where people are going wrong. And trust me, your gf would have it pointed out to her immediately that her way of communicating is just plain wrong.

As I said, it's not up to anyone here to tell you what you should do. Oftentimes, relationships just run their course. It's sad, but it happens. And the couple both move on and ultimately end up being happier apart.

happywithlife

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

As I am the only poster who suggested you maybe try to find a way to work on your relationship, I'll take it the previous poster is taking a pop at my advice and my 'gender bias'. I'd like to point out that I replied similar to a woman who posted about her 'controlling partner' earlier.

All too often advice on internet message boards is "end it". It's very easy to advise strangers they know nothing about to end a relationship that they know nothing about and are making a judgement based on a few lines of text.

You know your gf, nobody here does. You know the intricacies of your relationship. Nobody here does. Maybe your relationship is done. Maybe it can be worked on. Relationships very often go through bad patches where communication is lacking or non existent. If that can be worked on, the relationship can survive. Of course, often relationships break down because it's just gone too far or one person just doesn't have the energy or want to work through problems. And of course relationships break down due to abusive behaviours from a partner. You are the only one best placed to decide where you, your gf and your relationship fall in that regard.

Normally I wouldn't advocate ending the relationship and agree with you. In this instance however the couple are young and have been unhappy in 2 out of the 5 years they've been together and it sounds like it's getting progressively worse. There is no need to be tied down like that in your 20's - If the relationship is meant to be the break will give op a chance to reassess things with a bit of distance and who knows they may end up getting back together but he certainly doesn't need to be tied into a forever more relationship in his 20's because of some sense of loyalty or you made your bed now lie in it

Yellow pack crisps

The problem with these things is that it takes an incredible amount of self reflection and change to turn things around. It would almost feel like a new relationship if you two could manage that. Only you know if you both are capable of doing so. You have a right to blame your partner for her choice of words and her choice of actions but also you must self reflect too and ask yourself why you have enabled this and what has brought you to this point. This is in no way excusing the things your partner does or says. She is wrong. Full stop.

Big Bag of Chips

happywithlife wrote: »

but he certainly doesn't need to be tied into a forever more relationship in his 20's because of some sense of loyalty or you made your bed now lie in it

Exactly what I said in my first post....

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

But you really shouldn't stick out a bad relationship just because you think you've invested too much time in it. You're late 20s... You've potentially another 60 years to live. You don't have to plod through life making yourselves miserable.

snoozy44

I guess the fact of the matter really is I do only have myself to blame for letting things get as bad as they are I just let smaller issues pass by without doing anything about it and now things have come to a head when in reality I shouldn't of just let stuff go, I should of flagged them a long time ago and confronted it. It seems to me I'm always on the defensive and its always my fault, then I try to be understanding of her needs were as I don't really get the same treatment from her. I think my best course of action now is probably to go on the offensive for once tell her its simply not acceptable anymore how I'm treated, she needs to be more understanding of how I feel and if there's not an immediate change I'm leaving by myself, play her game but be level headed and not stoop to name calling be as gentlemanly about it as possible. Personally I think that will invoke an angry response but if it does at least I know my answer

Big Bag of Chips

Don't feel too bad about letting it get this bad. Many of us react similarly. We make allowances for someone who is "grumpier" than we are, or more "highly strung". If we're easy going we let things slide, that another person would challenge head on!

I think you're right to at least say something to her. It has become a habit now, that she might not even be fully aware of, but her reaction to you will tell you all you need to know.

Just as an aside, my friend for married very young. I noticed after years she was doingbyhe same as your gf, constantly chipping away at her husband. She rang me one day in an awful state that she had found out he was gambling and had debts she knew nothing about. I drove over to her and on the drive I was thinking of what I'd say to her.. And the only thing I really had to ask her was did she love him? and if not, why bother sticking it out with him. Because to me, she didn't seem to even like him very Mich, let alone love him.

I asked her, and she was devastated that I'd even question it. I pointed out to her that she wasn't particularly nice to him, and hadn't been for years. Then she realised that things had been going bad for a long time between both of them. They were caught in a cycle and neither of them were particularly nice to the other. But funnily they absolutely adored each other!! Just got complacent, I suppose. Now, that situation is different to yours, but when it was pointed out to her (by somebody other than her husband) it struck a chord with her.

Good luck, OP. One way or other it'll work out.

elefant

snoozy44 wrote: »

I guess the fact of the matter really is I do only have myself to blame for letting things get as bad as they are

If that's what you really think, I would suggest you move away from that line of thinking.

Don't go blaming yourself for someone treating you badly. You might not have helped by letting things slide, but you don't only have yourself to blame. That's the kind of thinking that could lead to you sticking around in something poisonous imo.

silverharp

It seems like there is an expectations gap, your partner seems to want a different version of yourself so is not tolerant or is losing respect of the person you are which if that doesn't change you are better off apart. On the flip side you seem quite casual about things as exampled by not learning to drive, learn to drive it might help your career at some point, buy a cheap car that you can get rid of after you have your licence. Have you made plans about the future? are you saving to buy a place, are you in a job that has progression?
I wouldn't be too optimistic about turning this around , if your sex life is non existent in your late twenties its a bad sign. Maybe it is best to move on with lessons learned and you will be just right for the next lady in your life.

snoozy44

@Big Bag of Chips
That's pretty much what I'll go with anyway I will say something to her and who knows maybe it could hit a chore with her, personally I don't think it will based on past conversations but if that's the case well it makes my choice a whole lot easier.

@elefant
Well that's kind of what I meant I just didn't elaborate I shouldn't of left things slide this badly that's my fault, but it doesn't excuse her treating me badly.

@silverharp
Thats pretty much how I feel she has this version in her head of the person she wants me to be, but I'm not that person and that's not really the person I want to be either. I am quite quiet laid back to be honest about stuff like that but I do see the value in driving as far as my career is concerned, at the moment its not a requirement but down the line I certainly will and that's where the current problem pretty much is I have no urgency to do it but she demands I do it now. Its not so much about the driving anyway even if I started now I'm sure there will be another similar problem. As for our/my supposed plans for the future I don't really have a clear picture of what I wanted but I was at least saving plenty with the idea of buying a house, I don't think she really likes that I don't really have a clear plan of the future.

Rekop dog

Just for a broader picture could you give a bit of a report on what she does in terms of work? Is there a significant gap in pay scale between both your jobs? Does she drive?

nhunter100

Whether you wish to admit it or not you are in an abusive relationship. You need to leave it for your own well being.

Keyzer

Run for the hills man, you need to put yourself first.

snoozy44

Rekop dog wrote: »

Just for a broader picture could you give a bit of a report on what she does in terms of work? Is there a significant gap in pay scale between both your jobs? Does she drive?

She works in financial services I do software engineering I wouldn't say the pay gap is huge but I am paid more, and yes she does

Maximus Alexander

snoozy44 wrote: »

Hi everyone I've got some problems with my gf not really sure what to do some advice would be helpful. We've been together a very long time now over 5 years and while we've never had any huge fights small stuff has just seemed to gradually build up over the years, but its only in the last couple of months arguments have become more frequent with each passing day now I feel like were moving further and further apart.

It's gone on for so long that I honestly don't know when it started but to me it just feels like whatever I do its not good enough, basically whenever something doesn't go how she wants it go, for example I didn't interact with other people enough at a party or that I'm careless or rude while telling a joke. she gets very angry and calls me all kinds of stuff like I'm useless, worthless etc, sometimes its worse than other times its depends on the severity of incident but it always the same kind of argument whatever it ends up being about, and sometimes threatening to break it off if I don't change my ways and no matter what I say when shes in these moods she can't be reasoned with.

Its the same with different events in life too there was a period after college were I had no job she was getting angry in the same manner because she felt I wasn't doing enough to get a job, I eventually got one but left because I didn't like it and again she was angry because she felt I was an embarrassment by leaving a job, although I quickly picked up another I was happy with, currently its the same angry attitude but now its about driving, I personally don't see any urgency too and its an expense I could do without, however she feels its embarrassing now that I don't drive and if I don't learn quickly its over. Regardless of what the problem is it feels like its never ending I rarely agree with her when she gets angry and tend to stand my ground, she eventually cools off and apologies with telling me she only gets angry because she just wants whats best for me.

The other problem I'm having is the sex life is effectively nonexistent and if I'm being honest it has been for roughly 2 years now, she was never great at it but before she always tried her best and I always tried to be understanding of that and appreciated that she at least tried. But now there's absolutely nothing I've tried to start something occasional but its almost always shot down I've lost count of the last time she tried to make an effort its probably about 5 or 6 months at this stage, when I do try to bring the issue up she feels that sex isn't all that important to the relationship and that she would try more but she's too conscious about her weight but I've never had any problem with that whatsoever.

In terms of other aspects of our relationship the vast majority of the time she's great and we do get on well which is probably why we've been together so long now but the issues above have honestly been dogging me for too long now and talking seems to be getting me nowhere.

So any advice would be great, the obvious thing to do would be break up with her myself but it feels like a shame to end it after so long

The sex is something you could work at, in an otherwise functional relationship. But I've bolded the bits that really stand out to me.

To be honest, at worst it sounds like you're in an abusive relationship. At best it sounds like you're just in a relationship with someone who is completely unsuited to you. It sounds like she doesn't really like or respect you very much, and that you both have very different goals and attitudes towards life.

The whole point of relationships is usually that you're a team who care about and support one another. Yours literally sounds like the opposite. I really think you should get out, now, and find someone more suitable.

tara73

snoozy44 wrote: »

She works in financial services I do software engineering I wouldn't say the pay gap is huge but I am paid more, and yes she does

this is a big surprise, from what you wrote one got the impression you have no job education but it's quite the opposite and you earn more than her. and as a person working in IT, people there are always in demand! So I would say no worries here at all about your career!

it's even less understanding now what her issue is. maybe she wants to get rid of you and can't make a clear break herself, instead pestering you away with her nagging.

LegacyUser

I know you don't want to end this so called relationship but the reality is you have been with her for 5 years and have had no sex life for the past 2 years.

Your so called girlfriend is moaning at you all the time about your so called shortcomings.
When you were out of work or in the the job you hated and left she offered you no help/support like a proper girlfriend should have.
She is critizing you always over the smallest thing she can find or what you are doing wrong in her eyes. You have told us you can't drive at the moment and she is giving out about this.
Your not keen to take up driving as you don't want the expense of a car.

My feeling is that she wants to be part of a couple but is it always on her terms. All realtionships require give and take. I can't understand how you would stay with someone who is just making your life a misery and taking away all your self confidence with it.

You to end things with her. She is not happy as her behaviour and what she is saying to you tells me this. Meanwhile your trying to please someone who will never be happy. The reality is if you in a realationship you support each other.

You can say to someone in a nice way about things - ie I would like if you could drive so we could going on a fly/drive holiday and both drive rather then your embarrassing me because you can't drive.

The reality is that your both in your late 20's and after 5 years of bring together most people of your age would be thinking - where are we going ie re buying a house, getting married/having children ect. My advice is to end things with her now and let her move on to find the so called perfect man. You have a decent job and you only in your late 20's. Despite what she is saying about you I am sure you have a lot to offer a decent, kind woman who cares about you as a person rather than someone who just sees you someone who is their to take her abuse.

silverharp

snoozy44 wrote: »

@silverharp
Thats pretty much how I feel she has this version in her head of the person she wants me to be, but I'm not that person and that's not really the person I want to be either. I am quite quiet laid back to be honest about stuff like that but I do see the value in driving as far as my career is concerned, at the moment its not a requirement but down the line I certainly will and that's where the current problem pretty much is I have no urgency to do it but she demands I do it now. Its not so much about the driving anyway even if I started now I'm sure there will be another similar problem. As for our/my supposed plans for the future I don't really have a clear picture of what I wanted but I was at least saving plenty with the idea of buying a house, I don't think she really likes that I don't really have a clear plan of the future.

At the end of the day you aren't a dancing monkey and a partner shouldn't be trying to remodel their partner. You are who you are and you seem like a straight up guy. From your point of view things will become a little clearer over the next 4 or 5 years and one day it will just hit you either by seeing your friends getting married/starting a family etc. what the next step is.
As far as your girlfriend is concerned she might have notions based on where she works perhaps?, she might be working alongside a bunch of "guitar playing hedge fund managers" :pac: and thinks you don't meet muster. Either way she is bringing you down and its not your job to become someone else to meet their inflated or unrealistic expectations.