Sister-in-Law troubles. Over-reacting?

December2012

Is your Mam awkward around your sister in law too? Or is she stubborn, or simply not fun?

I know of a few examples where one of the parents in law are fun, helpful, chatty, obliging and a pleasure to be around. And others who aren't, or for some difference of opinion (such as re smoking, pets or drinking) just can't get on.

LegacyUser

I feel that you are over reacting in regards to your sister in law.
It is not her job to be going to visit your mother or dealing with any problems as your mother gets older.
The reality is that you live 100km away from your mother so your not in a position to help out/visit her as much as if you were living near bye. Also you mentioned that your sil will get benefit when your mother dies - is this were the problem lies?
The reality it is your mother decision to who she leaves a house/cash ect to and if someone in family is living close by or helping her out a lot why should they not benefit.

Being honest if you were told to go visit your mother in law, help her out ect by one of your relatives you might not be to happy with this. If you say anything to your sil you could start a family fight or have long term bad feeling their. You may not realise this but long term you may need your brothers help in some way and annoying his wife won't help your cause.

My advice is talk to your brother and see what things you can put in place if you mother needs more help. If her health declines contact her doctor and they can put you in contact with the relivent services.
I don't know if your brother and sil have a family but if they do their children come first. They could be dealing with issues you have no idea about.

Ursus Horribilis

Is causing a family row one of your new year's resolutions? Because from what I'm reading here, that's all it is going to cause. Just about everybody here is telling you the same thing in different ways but you're not listening. I hope for your sake that this head of steam you've worked up will have dissipated before you open your mouth. Mark my words - nothing good can come of your meddling. You'll possibly be putting ideas into your mother's head that weren't there before. You'll lead to a conversation being had between your brother and your wife which may not be to anyone's benefit. And finally, you'll be stirring up trouble between yourself and your sister in law. Who knows what way your brother will fall in this sorry mess? And all for what? Nobody's going to come out of this any happier.

For all you know, your mother's perfectly happy not to see hide nor hair of her daughter in law from one end of the year to the next. She doesn't sound like the warmest of people so perhaps your mum is more than happy with how things stand. Your brother still calls in a few times a week so it's not as if your mum's being neglected. As an aside, if you do decide to go ploughing into this with your size 10s, don't even think about uttering the phrase "gross negligence".

Nobody can predict what lies in the future. The one thing you will need though is a good relationship with your brother. You live 100 miles away so you're depending on him for the day to day matters relating to your mother. Don't fall out with him, especially because you got this "notion" into your head about his wife. People aren't telling you to keep your mouth shut and to butt out just for the craic. Stop feeding that resentment you've built up over your sister in law and start listening to common sense. You'll be glad of it if you do.

deisemum

I think your SIL is very wise to keep her distance from your family because your dislike of her is so obvious and she's more than likely seen it when she first met you years ago. It's not your SIL's responsibility to call to your mother, she has her own family and a large family at that.

Your post is nasty towards your SIL and it looks like you're more interested in discrediting your brother and SIL to justify your belief that they shouldn't benefit from your mother's will. It's none of your business and you've been given good advice here which you're choosing to ignore. If you say anything it's not going to go well and your mother may very well end up in a worse position.

Teyla Emmagan

Your mother is not your sister in law's mother. She's not her responsibility. And though it might be nice if she dropped up more frequently she's under no onus to. And you definitely have no right to dictate to her. It's up to you and your brother to mind your mother, it's not on anyone else. Your world view seems a bit skewed here. If you're that worried about your mother have her come live with you.

DoozerT6

With respect to the regular contributers here, I feel that a few of you are being a bit hard on the OP. If you look past the emotive language and the obvious ill-feeling towards her SIL, (which hopefully the OP now realises, that while not ideal, is not the real issue), at the crux of the matter is the fact that her brother lives a mere ten minutes away from his mother, and apparently never spends any more time with her than it takes to eat a lunch which his elderly mother has prepared for him. He never invites her to his home nearby, which the OP says upsets her mother. If indeed the SIL is calling the shots in terms of time spent there, then it is up to her brother to mention it to his wife, not the OP.

Personally I do think it is unfortunate that the SIL doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with her MIL, (while not compulsory, it just seems to be the decent thing to do to engage with her in some way) but I appreciate that we don't know the real issues or the personalities involved. I can also appreciate OP's frustration, especially when she invites her mother to stay and keeps in regular contact with her, that her brother does no more than drop in for lunch sometimes. Yes, he does see her, but briefly and at his own benefit (free lunch !!) It would also appear that she sees very little of her grandchildren, despite them living so close.

It would be easy to say "just tell your mam to talk to her son and sort it out herself!" but I guess things are not that easy at that age, and maybe she doesn't want to rock the boat herself. Have a chat with her; gauge her REAL feelings on her DIL, not visiting their home, etc and maybe have a calm, friendly chat with your brother about it and try to sort out something that will make your mam happy without making anybody else UNhappy. At some stage, you may have to have a conversation with him anyway about long-term care for your mam; if the door on that conversation was already open, it might make it easier.

As I said in my previous post, I would not mention the inheritance AT ALL: chances are it will just be divided 50/50 between ye. Let that one go.

Big Bag of Chips

It seems like you're just looking for a reason to have a go at your sister-in-law. There's obviously 30 years of resentment building up now because she was never pally with you, and you're looking for a reason to let her know what you think of her. That's fine, if you really feel you should. But from what you posted here, I'd leave your mother out of it.

From your posts it seems your mother is quite independent, she lives alone, without any specific care being necessary, and she is capable of making your brother's lunch every day. You have her to visit for a few days a few times a year, but other than that she is left to her own devices and is managing quite well. Your sister in law has zero obligation to your mother. Your mother, from what you've posted, is an capable, able bodied, independent woman. She doesn't need to be minded. It's unclear whether or not your mother is upset by the lack of a relationship with her daughter-in-law, or whether you're upset on her behalf (because of your own dislike of your brother's wife), and maybe trying to nudge your mother in the direction of feeling hard done by, by her daughter-in-law?

I wouldn't be "having a quiet word with" anyone. You don't get to call the shots from a hundred miles away. Your brother sees more of your mother than you do. And if ever an emergency arises in the future, he'll be the one to attend first. If you feel your mother is becoming helpless and in need of round the clock care, it might be time for you to suggest she moves to live with you. Your sister-in-law has her own family and shouldn't be expected to take on the care of your mother, just because she lives closer. If you feel it's the job of the woman to look after the family, then as the only daughter in the family that responsibility falls to you. Not to your brother's wife.

People are all different, and some people will tie themselves in knots to help others. Some will look after themselves and those nearest to them and not put any effort into others. That's how people are, and you challenging that isn't going to change it. I think if you try have a quiet word with anyone, you will come out the worst. You will be told you live 100 miles away, do your duty a few times a year and then pat yourself on the back for being the best daughter. Whereas your brother is there everyday, keeping an eye, on hand in case of an emergency, yet you think, from a hundred miles away, that him and his wife should still do more

You will cause friction and trouble all "on behalf of your mother". If your mother has a problem with making her son's lunch every day, let her say it to him. (I've yet to meet an Irish mammy, who has established a routine of making food for anyone on a daily basis, give out about it.. Let alone for her son!!)

Your mother isn't helpless. And who's to know what the future holds? For now, stop looking for trouble and trying to stir it up where there is none. Keep your opinions about your sister-in-law to yourself. They're your opinions, and nobody else really cares if you don't like her.

littelady

You complain your sil won't drive 10 mins to see your mum. But you have your elderly mum travel 100 miles to see you.

Big Bag of Chips

I'd also wonder how much of this is your mother's making too? I know we only have your version of events, and maybe it is skewed towards you and your mother being the victim of your sister-in-law, but I know I have never invited my parents to my house for dinner, or tea. I've never invited my parents to my house at all. Except maybe for a child's party. They call round themselves, very occasionally, and I call round to them more often. But I wouldn't see them every day. I wouldn't even see them every week. I'm busy with my life. They are busy with their's and nobody is keeping tabs on who saw who last and who needs to visit next. My husband would visit my parents once a year at Christmas. They might not see him for months at a time. I don't think they're too bothered!!

It's organic rather than organised. If your mother is waiting for an invitation maybe she'll be left waiting. It would never cross my mind to invite my mother to my house. Your mother lives 10 minutes away from them. Does she call to see them?

Ursus Horribilis

DoozerT6 wrote: »

With respect to the regular contributors here, I feel that a few of you are being a bit hard on the OP.

I can only speak for myself here. I was hard on the OP because I get the distinct impression she is not for turning on this issue. I hope she takes some of the advice on board and cools her jets before she says or does anything. I also think that dressing the issue up in fluffy niceness will only encourage her.

As it happens, I have some sympathy for her. It isn't easy to live so far away from a parent when you're worried about their day to day care. Especially when you feel that the people living nearest to her could be doing more to help. Unfortunately families don't work like that. I've seen so many times how different family members react to situations like these. Some will do everything they humanly can to help their loved ones. Others will scatter like ants.

If I was the OP's sister in law and found out what what she was up to, I'd be enraged at her interfering ways. I'd have no problem telling her to feck off and then you'd have real sister in law troubles.

The OP also hasn't enlightened us particularly on her mother's relationship with the daughter in law. We don't know if the mother is happy with how things stand or if she'd like to see her more. We don't know what if anything she has said and done over the years. There's a lot of missing detail here. But enough to know that this not something to go meddling in.

amtc

It's a tricky one. In my own situation my grandmother needs high dependency care. Of five siblings who live near her the females...both daughters and in laws do care but if the sons are there they seem to treat it as a place to drink beer and watch sport. Despite many family meetings it's remained the same.

However in this situation it's important to ascertain what the mother wants. She may be quite happy.

I live on my own and meet my parents separately for various reasons. Very rarely come to me nor me them.

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LegacyUser

So you moved 100 miles away to be closer to your in laws but you are critical of your brother for spending a lot of time with his in laws???

Your SIL is under no obligation to look after your mum - that's for your brother and yourself to sort. Have you discussed with him what will happen if she can no longer live on her own? He's already going to see her several times a week according to you so do you expect his wife to go with him or go separately? Does she need help from them or just wants the bit of company? I'm just not sure what your after OP - just being annoyed that someone has no interest in their in laws isn't enough. If your mum is at a stage were she needs more help then she is currently getting then you need to discuss your options with your brother.

rondog

I disagree with a lot of the posts here.So,the Bro has to look after his wives family even thought there is a large family and lots of support but the SIL doesn't do a tap for the Mother.I would be VERY p1ssed off with this.Afterall,the Mother in law has the Bro and that's all,it would be nice for her to get a visit from the SIL too to show that in her later years theres more than just her Son that cares.
The SIL sounds like its all about her and her family ,meanwhile the mother gets left in the lurch.
The SIL sounds like a very selfish and self centred person to me.I would have a work with your Bro and ask him why the SIL deems that he should jump thru hoops for her large family while she doesn't do a single thing for her Mother in law who is basically alone.

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Neyite

Mod:

We'll close this - OP, if you want it re-opened just let one of the mod team know.