Sister-in-Law troubles. Over-reacting?

Chopinlist66

My brother has been married to my Sister in Law for twenty seven years, or thereabouts now.
They have a lovely home, good jobs, security, seems to be an excellent marriage.

I have only this one brother and no sisters, whereas, my sister in law has all her siblings living in close proximity, and they are very close in all other respects, helping out each other, socialising, etc.

The problem is that our mother is getting a little old, and whilst I live almost 100 miles away from her, they are only a ten-minute drive away. Never once do I recall my sister in law calling in to see my mum, who lives alone, and only visits once a year for the Christmas visit. She is grossly negligent in my opinion, however, my brother does call in a few times each week. I have my mum to visit me very frequently.

However, I do feel aggrieved that my sister in law will benefit financially from my mum's inevitable passing, and she does not deserve a cent. She has done 'nothing wrong', but refuses to acknowledge my mum and I. I feel very hurt for my mother, and I got quite upset last night, being on holidays, and perhaps having too much time to think, and it hit me like a lightening bolt.
Am I over- reacting? We have our annual get- together next week, I feel like I need to say something to my sister in law, otherwise it is like a sick game at this stage. Please help!

Dial Hard

I do think you're overreacting, yes. At the end of the day, it's up to your brother to pull his weight in caring for your mum, not his wife.

Ultimately, it's really none of your business how much or little she engages with your mum and I think you would be seriously overstepping the mark by confronting her about it.

Chopinlist66

Dial Hard, thanks for reply. It just hurts me to see my mother hurt, she is really feeling the pain. Both my parents in law are now deceased, but I could never have done that to them, but everyone is different.
Families can be so difficult.

njs030

You are overreacting, she has her own family and while you might see things one way she has her own point of view which she's entitled to.
Her husband is the only person who can discuss this with her and if he doesn't have an issue with it then it's none of your business to put it bluntly.

Why is your mother upset? It's a bit invasive that she expects her to visit when she clearly doesn't want to. Her son is looking after her and visiting, surely she would be happy with that?

bee06

Is this your only issue with her ... that she won't go visit your mom? She married your brother, not your whole family. Some people get on with there in-laws which is great but some people don't and it's not some kind of requirement. It's not her responsibility to look after your mother. Calling her grossly negligent it totally over the top!

Whether she will financially benefit from any inheritance your brother gets is also none of your business. Your brother inherits the money and what he does with it is up to him.

Dial Hard

Chopinlist66 wrote:

Dial Hard, thanks for reply. It just hurts me to see my mother hurt, she is really feeling the pain. Both my parents in law are now deceased, but I could never have done that to them, but everyone is different. Families can be so difficult.

I can understand that it hurts you to see her hurt. Your mother is also of a generation where women were expected to take on all of the caring work in a family and she may be very puzzled as to why your brother's wife isn't taking on this role.

I think all you can really do is perhaps ask your brother to be a bit more hands-on with your mum but be aware that this may well go down like a lead balloon if he feels he's already doing more than you due to the distance.

And yes, families are extremely difficult!

Chopinlist66

Thanks for all the replies.
I think I will just have to ride this one out, and yes DH, my mum cared for her parents and my Father before he died, as was the expectations of people of her generation. Re the distance, I have my mum stop over for extended stays, and I look after her every need. She is never invited over to dinner, tea etc to my Sis in law. Mum is a good person, always gives the Grandchildren fine gifts for birthdays, 21st, Christmas, as she loves them dearly. Such a pity my sis in law cannot be more human, and acknowledge this.I would not treat a dog like that.
Yes, bee06, I see that she married my brother, and not me or mum. I might talk with my bro, but it seems Sis in law is calling all the shots.

listermint

Chopinlist66 wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies.
I think I will just have to ride this one out, and yes DH, my mum cared for her parents and my Father before he died, as was the expectations of people of her generation. Re the distance, I have my mum stop over for extended stays, and I look after her every need. She is never invited over to dinner, tea etc to my Sis in law. Mum is a good person, always gives the Grandchildren fine gifts for birthdays, 21st, Christmas, as she loves them dearly. Such a pity my sis in law cannot be more human, and acknowledge this.I would not treat a dog like that.
Yes, bee06, I see that she married my brother, and not me or mum. I might talk with my bro, but it seems Sis in law is calling all the shots.

All of this is your brothers problem.

Stop fixating on his wife.


Why doesn't your brother ask her around.... Riddle me that

I live near my parents. My siblings have all moved away to various places. This means I'm the one now responsible for any future needs of our mother and father. I do not resent my siblings for this. I wasn't thinking of my parents when I stayed nor were they when they left. Life just took us in different directions.

However by default I would now consider myself stuck with this responsibility. Yes they visit my siblings regularly and my siblings come home regulay to spend time with them but I'm the one nearby 24/7 and as they age I'll be the one taking on more and more of a caring role.

I didn't ask for that and the rest didn't expect it of me. It's just circumstance. But if any of them were to turn around and complain from the other side of Ireland or the other side of the world that my partner wasn't doing enough, I can tell you there would be holy war.

Fortunately that would never happen because they aren't that clueless. I also wouldn't be asking your brother to do more if he already calls in several times each week. He has to live his own life too.

If you are concerned that your mother needs additional care have you considered organising some home care to drop in a couple times a week?

Like it or not your sister in law has little to no responsibility for your mother and pressuring your brother to get onto her would be very unfair in my opinion. Sure it would be lovely if she wanted to spend time with her but do you really want her there if she'd rather be anywhere but?

Having spent years as a carer for an elderly family member I can tell you that its a difficult burden to bear. As the one near by your brother is essentially 'on call' for anything that may happen your mam day or night. It's a hard position to be in. Somewhere in the back of your mind it weighs on you.

A friend or family member then, with the best of intentions, telling you how to do things, from their comfy life, however many miles away, is actually really hurtful.

GritBiscuit

Chopinlist66 wrote: »

She has done 'nothing wrong', but refuses to acknowledge my mum and I.

What does this mean OP? Refuses to acknowledge you? It sounds like behind this complaining is actually a bigger issue that you personally have with your sister-in-law and you're wrapping it up in a more convenient and sympathy inducing issue with your elderly mother...

While you obviously love your mother dearly and see a wonderful woman being snubbed, that is not necessarily what your sister-in-law has experienced or feels - and that's her prerogative. As long as she's not actively discouraging your brother to have a relationship with his mother - and if he's going to see her several times a week then she clearly isn't - then I don't see you have anything to complain about. While the ideal for you may be your mother spending a lot of time with your brother's family, it may be anything but their ideal...and that's their call to make.

Some people (myself included) were raised to look out/after their own family while their partner looks out for theirs...at no stage would I expect a partner to take on any kind of caring role for my family members. I think you need to accept that for as long as she's in good health, your mothers general entertainment is her own responsibility - and if her health falters then arrangements should be made between your brother and yourself. I actually find it quite odd that you've bypassed your brother and made an issue with an unrelated third party not expending sufficient energy on your mother...hence the question re if there was more to this between you and she?

All the best OP.

Chopinlist66

Gritbiscuit, SIL has never really wanted to know that my brother had a sister (me), but she expects my brother to take care of her extended family needs, her sisters, parents, nieces and nephews. It is huge family that can help out each other, and my bro plays more than his part. Surely it should be both ways, in that she could be doing a little more for mum, as my brother does for her family. I reckon she wears the trousers, and I could shake my bro for not standing up to her. This is what I mean. In fact, you may have hit the nail on the head, as she could be actively discouraging bro to see my mum. To be honest, he only calls in to visit mum at lunchtime, where she has his lunch ready, he eats, then goes back to work. He never appears in the evenings or weekends. Maybe he feels that is enough.
There has never been anything negative between SIL and me. Just a nothingness.

njs030

Chopinlist66 wrote: »

Gritbiscuit, SIL has never really wanted to know that my brother had a sister (me), but she expects my brother to take care of her extended family needs, her sisters, parents, nieces and nephews. It is huge family that can help out each other, and my bro plays more than his part. Surely it should be both ways, in that she could be doing a little more for mum, as my brother does for her family. I reckon she wears the trousers, and I could shake my bro for not standing up to her. This is what I mean. In fact, you may have hit the nail on the head, as she could be actively discouraging bro to see my mum. To be honest, he only calls in to visit mum at lunchtime, where she has his lunch ready, he eats, then goes back to work. He never appears in the evenings or weekends. Maybe he feels that is enough.
There has never been anything negative between SIL and me. Just a nothingness.

Well this sounds more like your issue is that she isn't interested in you and you're turning it into being about your mother.
Your brother has made the choice to be involved with her family as you made the choice to move away from your own and be involved with your in-laws.

She doesn't want to spend time with you op, that's OK and it's not going go change but as has been said already if you start dictating from 100 miles away you are going to cause a row.

Yellow pack crisps

I'm not surprised she wants nothing to do with you or your family!! You are butting into their marriage! After being married for so long I'm sure your brother knows how his wife is and how their marriage works.

You seem to be a treating both of them in a really passive manner. Your mothers will and where your inheritance will go to is quite frankly none of your business. If you look after your mother then do it for the right reasons and not because you think it gives you the right to put yourself on a pedestal. Your sister in law owes your side of the family nothing and you probably have no idea why she does have so little to do with them but from a strangers insight I can hazard a guess why.

GritBiscuit

I hear you OP and I don't blame you for feeling disappointed, I would be too in your shoes but at the end of the day your brother and his wife have the absolute right to decide what the distribution of their collective/individual time and energy is going to be, regardless of how unfair that may be to you and yours. Your brother's marriage dynamic may annoy you but as long as your brother doesn't object then again, that's his choice to make.

Given you are not equidistant from your mother I would worry that taking umbrage on your mother's behalf - particularly against someone who really has no obligation to do anything - might backfire...in my experience and looking at the families we know, the women tend to be better and more enthusiastic at regular contact with their own families but if your sister-in-law is going out of her way to make things difficult for your brother to include his mother than I wouldn't want to rock that boat for either of them.

If it's company your mother needs or a greater degree of care, is that something you can arrange without puting further demands on your brother and his wife? As your mother ages, she will inevitably need to rely more heavily on local help and if that's going to cause issues or further worry/hurt for you or her then perhaps looking into alternatives now and discussing that with your brother is as good a way to resolve this as you're going to get.

Best of luck!

NelRom

Do they have children OP? If so, then children tend to be the first priority of a married couple.

Wesser

You are not in a position to say anything to your SIL. You live 100km away. Are you sure this is not just that you are feeling guilty?

evolving_doors

Will the will be divided evenly between yourself and your brother, Or is there a farm involved?

DoozerT6

In a way, I can see your point - from what I gather here, your brother just calls in for his lunch occasionally (which your mother prepares) and then - that's it? I know it's still 'touching base' with her so to speak, but very much for his own benefit too.

I wouldn't confront your SIL about it however. If you're going to mention it to anybody, it should be to your BROTHER. She is his mother, not hers. I do think it's a bit unfair however, that she has apparently never even been to their house for dinner? That just seems rude if nothing else. Common sense would dictate that over the years, one of them might have thought to invite her over for Sunday lunch or something, unless there is more to this whole thing than you have mentioned? Is there friction or an underlying disagreement between your SIL and your mother? Maybe have an honest chat with your mother first, to see if this is the case. If not, then have a carefully worded conversation with your brother saying that your mum would love to see more of her grandchildren, and maybe he might invite her over even once a month for dinner or something....I know different families have different ideas and dynamics about visiting each other, but if your mother is upset by this, it might be no harm to have a word on her behalf. In fact it might be easier coming from you, than your brother hearing from his own mother's mouth that she's upset about it; that way he gets to 'save face' by taking the initiative in inviting her over.

Regarding your issues with your SIL, unless you can resolve it with a polite conversation, or even inviting her to go to a concert/show or somewhere with you ('I feel like we haven't had a good chat in ages') I think you might have to just accept it as just her being the way she is. It doesn't seem to affect you directly; you're upset on your mothers behalf. With the inheritance - I think you will just have to make your peace with that. In fact, I think if you can gently persuade your brother to spend a little more quality time with your mother, I would consider that a win, tbh.

Chopinlist66

Doozer, maybe there is something more going on that I don't know about. All I can recall, is that I was away at college when Bro and SIL were dating. A lot could have happened in my absence during those years. I will try to have a discreet chat with mum find out more. My SIL and I really have nothing in common at all. We have never gone to show/concert/cinema together, the idea seems absurd somehow. Have never felt comfortable in her company, whereas we have great craic with my hub's family. This could simply be it. Maybe we just don't gel. Will talk to bro separately as well.
Thanks for all replies.

matrim

Your attitude seems to be that your SIL should be taking care of her husbands family just because she's the woman that lives closest. If you mother had the same attitude early in their relationship and said something / was critical of how your brother and SIL managed their relationship, your SIL could have pulled back because of that.

njs030

Perhaps you should move closer if you feel your mother is being neglected?

After all she's your mother, I'm sure you will "benefit financially" from her death which seems to be one of your concerns so instead of expecting someone who has her own family to shoulder the load maybe do it yourself op??

Wompa1

Either move your mother in with you or move closer to her.

It seems like you feel guilt and are deflecting that onto others. You sister in law has absolutely no obligation to your mother. Like others have said that's on you and your brother.

Big Bag of Chips

How much does your husband do for your mother? Outside of the relationship you have with her, what does your husband do extra to that? Surely he's going to financially benefit from your mother's passing, so he should be doing his bit to 'earn' it?

I just don't understand why you have such an issue with your sister-in-law, when it seems your brother does nothing either. You do seem to have the traditional ideal that the woman of the house takes care of all the family. Your mam looked after her parents, and your dad. Your sister in law looks after her family. Just because she has a bigger family and your family is just you and your brother doesn't mean she should step into the role of carer in your family, because her family can spare her, and your family need her to make up for the lack of numbers!!

Your mother is the responsibility of you and your brother any help outside of that should be appreciated, but not expected.

Rachiee

I think you are over reacting. It seems that you may have always been hurt and disappointed that SIL takes no interest in your side of the family but as you and your mother have gotten older the need for a strong safety net of loving supportive family get stronger.

You would have a stronger more loving family if she was intersted in being a part of it... But shes not so the disappointment has become worry stress and resentment. I can understand why you might feel this way but dont think its really fair on SIL. In my family if you married in you were in. Growing up i didnt even know which of my auntsbor uncles were biologcal til i was like 10! Ive carried that value with me but could never expect to hold someone else to it as its my value from my upbringing not theirs.

somewherenear

I think you are completely over reacting. Your mother is not her responsibility she has her own family. Maybe you could stop thinking so negative about her and focus on your brother and how to change the situation. This negativity towards your sister in law is helping nobody.

Cork Lass

Chopinlist66 wrote: »

However, I do feel aggrieved that my sister in law will benefit financially from my mum's inevitable passing, and she does not deserve a cent.

Correct me if I'm wrong but I'd imagine it's your brother that will actually "benefit" from your mothers inevitable passing. He will most likely share this with his wife and family as she would most likely do if she were to inherit from her parents - that's marriage. I think there's a lot more to your dislike of your sil than what you are saying here and for what it's worth she is not responsible for you mom. I wouldn't say you're overreacting - I'd say you're being downright mean.

beechwood55

I think you are being just plain nasty. And money grabbing.

Loveinapril

OP, has your mother actually said she would like more visits? Surely if she does she can communicate this to her son all by herself. You seem to be under the impression that all families interact in a certain way- they don't. Your brother clearly has his own set up with his wife's family that is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. I also only have brothers. One of my sisters in law I see once a year and one I get on with quite well but we are not friends, we don't need to be! I sure as hell wouldn't expect her to look after MY parent/s in any way. I agree with other posters in that you may be feeling guilty at not being able to spend as much time with your mam as you would like but it is certainly not the responsibilty of your sister in law to do your percieved role here!

eviltwin

No one has an obligation to visit your mother, not even her own children. That you do is entirely your choice. Your mother is not a child and if she would like to see more of them it's her place to say it, not yours. Whatever else you do don't say anything at the dinner, it will just make you look silly.

evolving_doors

Chopinlist66 wrote: »

Doozer, maybe there is something more going on that I don't know about. All I can recall, is that I was away at college when Bro and SIL were dating. A lot could have happened in my absence during those years. I will try to have a discreet chat with mum find out more. My SIL and I really have nothing in common at all. We have never gone to show/concert/cinema together, the idea seems absurd somehow. Have never felt comfortable in her company, whereas we have great craic with my hub's family. This could simply be it. Maybe we just don't gel. Will talk to bro separately as well.
Thanks for all replies.

Talk about what exactly?
Crikey that's one way to stir a pot.

Heard of this scenario playing out quite a few times now.. (king Lear anyone! )
Single parent gets on.
Who's going to be the most suitable child to look after mammy/daddies needs?
Parent loves the attention and let's slip that they've no will made OR they do have a will made...
Let the battle begin.

Not saying that that's what's going to happen and I don't know yer mam from Adam.
But once mention of inheritance is involved then the waters get muddied.

beechwood55

I have 4 sisters in law. I have never once gone to a show, concert or cinema with any of them. Shoot me now.
And hopefully your brother will be loyal to his wife and tell you to jog on.