Girlfriend cheated...what am I doing wrong?

nkav86

Dilly of a pickle wrote:

So after the last post she got back in contact and was so sorry about what happened and didn't want it ending. I took some away and considered my feelings. I told her some honest truths about how it made me feel and she said she was sorry and we exchanged a few emails about stuff but I decided she was worth another go. I don't know why I just felt something for her that I haven't in a while and gave her the benefit of the doubt. She seemed thrilled that we'd be seeing each other again when I asked when we'd meet she kinda brushed me off and was very quiet with me for a week until I asked to meet again. In the space of a few texts she had ended it again. I'm really struggling with this. It's now 2 weeks ago and I just have been very upset over it. It like I stupidly trusted her again not to hurt me and told her I needed to take it slowly anyway after what happened. I know from my friend that she was on tinder within a few days and other stuff but I guess it's her life, I would be far too upset to do that it's like the whole thing meant nothing to her. I know they say time heals etc but I have so many regrets about this girl and the way it ended was just bang and it has me beaten all ends up. I've taken it extremely hard for some reason. Even now I wish it hadn't ended. I'm taking a long break from dating, I don't think it's fair on anyone especially me as my confidence is on the floor and my trust in people has taken a battering too. I know why it ended and I share the blame (not for the cheating part) I don't really know what I'm looking for, I wish we had a chance to talk or something even just to get closure if nothing else. I probably know most of the advice already but it's good to write it down and get some feedback anyway.

What were her reasons for ending it? OP, your confidence is really low and you seem to be willing to take anything that she throws your way.

Just by looking at your post, you have all of the regrets and I'll take a stab that she's not as heart broken as you. I don't think you're to blame at all for the cheating, but I would take a good look at yourself and make sure you're not looking like an easy target to a certain type of woman, one that likes to keep their partners under the thumb.

You need to focus on you, your well being and make yourself a priority from now on.

Dilly of a pickle

nkav86 wrote: »

What were her reasons for ending it? OP, your confidence is really low and you seem to be willing to take anything that she throws your way.

Just by looking at your post, you have all of the regrets and I'll take a stab that she's not as heart broken as you. I don't think you're to blame at all for the cheating, but I would take a good look at yourself and make sure you're not looking like an easy target to a certain type of woman, one that likes to keep their partners under the thumb.

You need to focus on you, your well being and make yourself a priority from now on.

I would be certain she's not remotely heart broken. My confidence before all this happened was as good as it's ever been it's just knocked me a bit how it all panned out. Her reason for ending it was she's not ready for a relationship. Funny thing is I'm not sure I am either I just fell for her and got a bit carried away. We had so much fun before that and I loved our time together before all this happened. I'm only down because of the way it ended and that it ended, everything else is good

Sephiroth_dude

Dilly of a pickle wrote: »

I would be certain she's not remotely heart broken. My confidence before all this happened was as good as it's ever been it's just knocked me a bit how it all panned out. Her reason for ending it was she's not ready for a relationship. Funny thing is I'm not sure I am either I just fell for her and got a bit carried away. We had so much fun before that and I loved our time together before all this happened. I'm only down because of the way it ended and that it ended, everything else is good

Do yourself a favour and block this wreck heads number, she contacts you again ignore it, dust yourself off and don't let a wagon like this prevent you from going on dates in the future.

nkav86

She clearly wasn't as invested as you are and wasn't the right person for you. I do think you're right to not jump into another, you need a break to get yourself back to normal.

Yellow pack crisps

Forget about that girl! She is not worth it! Ask yourself why you let yourself be treated this way. The way you see yourself is not healthy.

GritBiscuit

Dilly of a pickle wrote: »

I would be certain she's not remotely heart broken. My confidence before all this happened was as good as it's ever been it's just knocked me a bit how it all panned out. Her reason for ending it was she's not ready for a relationship. Funny thing is I'm not sure I am either I just fell for her and got a bit carried away. We had so much fun before that and I loved our time together before all this happened. I'm only down because of the way it ended and that it ended, everything else is good

You have been your own worst enemy here OP - and I mean that in the nicest way. I'm a big fan of Maya Angelou and her expression; "when someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them!"

I second the advice to go back to counseling. It's amazing just how big a knock a relationship, particularly marriage, failure can have on our confidence and that in itself can have huge repercussions on how easily or willing we are to see red flags in preceding relationships. Maybe designate the next year or so to getting happy and confident within yourself and making your peace with your past choices and relationships and see if that changes your luck?

All the best

daithi7

'Girlfriend cheated...what am I doing wrong? '

Well going out with her in the first place, silly!!

Also why are you still terming her your girlfriend? Surely she's now your (low life, spineless, tramp) cheating ex girlfriend? And IF so, why don't you refer to her as just that!?

dellas1979

Hi OP,

Youve literally been beaten around emotionally by a few people-the women whove cheated on you. And more importantly, yourself. Beating yourself up.

I dont doubt for one second that from reading your posts, youre confused, frustrated, and yourself esteem and confidence is very low.

You are who you are. How you feel in the world. Your morals. Your beliefs. How you treat people. Your behaviour towards others. These women are who they are. What am trying to say is their behaviour and actions are not a reflection on you. Youve no control over another person and how they are in the world. Thats their responsibility. Youve only control over you.

I would strongly advise for you to change your beliefs towards yourself (the first place we go to in our heads when someone does something wrong to us is to blame ourselves, what did I do wrong etc).

If you cant figure this out on your own, I would strongly advise you to see a councellor. See it as looking after yourself, and giving yourself an opportunity to figure this out, because, despite someone like me telling you on a forum, you have to believe you are worth it.

Dilly of a pickle

Thanks.

It's hard to explain. I have been to counselling before and pretty much exhausted everything at the time and don't feel id get much more out of it I think I just need to figure it out myself. Like I said my marriage etc is all in the past and dealt with and before I met this girl I was in a good place and even better after spending months dating her I was really happy. It's just how it ended and the fact there was potential there that now isn't. I don't click with many girls and I did with this. I know I messed up by having feelings too early, I do regret that but want to be clear that I don't take any blame for how she went about things. It's that has knocked my confidence again, I'm sure I'll be ok in time but it's difficult to get my head around it at the moment.

daithi7

Dilly of a pickle wrote: »

Thanks.

It's hard to explain. I have been to counselling before and pretty much exhausted everything at the time and don't feel id get much more out of it I think I just need to figure it out myself. Like I said my marriage etc is all in the past and dealt with and before I met this girl I was in a good place and even better after spending months dating her I was really happy. It's just how it ended and the fact there was potential there that now isn't. I don't click with many girls and I did with this. I know I messed up by having feelings too early, I do regret that but want to be clear that I don't take any blame for how she went about things. It's that has knocked my confidence again, I'm sure I'll be ok in time but it's difficult to get my head around it at the moment.

Good luck Op,

My first bit of advice is what I advise anyone who goes through a break up. Try to surround yourself with positive, outgoing people who you care about and who care about you, and go from there. The power of that good life practice alone is massive (often self healing will be going on in the background without you even noticing it tbh, which is exactly what you want)

Secondly, get fit and look after yourself. Again like 1 above this is a self perpetuating great life habit. Preferably joining a club, team, class to help getting and staying fit, cos that has a big social benefit & dividend also

Now, in your specific case, I hate to play devil's advocate a bit, but I'm going to pose a few questions for your consideration & benefit hopefully.

A. Do you think it's a coincidence that several of your relationships have ended up with the OH cheating?
(As tbh that's a lot of cheating partners)

B. Do you think you are some way sub consciously contributing to this behavior?
( e.g. picking the flirty ones with a predilection to this behavior, &/or losing interest in intimacy in relationships & so encouraging the oh to satisfy her needs elsewhere, &/or entertaining OHs girly behaviour too much(e.g. spotting the talent, stuff she should just be only sharing with her gfs),& hence becoming her friend over her partner, &/or being a doormat (& then taken for granted), etc, etc, etc)

The reason I ask is there are a few clues in your posts that some of the above may be applicable to you imho. But bear in mind I don't have a clue, you are the expert on you, & only you really know what was going in your various relationships that ended up with infidelity. But if you can identify maybe one or two things in your actions and past practices & mind sets (e.g. going for the most flirty girl in the party, rather than maybe the nicest) that may have played into you ending up with cheating OHs, then perhaps you can change this behavior going forward, & save yourself further unnecessary heartache& betrayal in the future hopefully.

Good luck regardless, what you've been through sucks.

Tigger99

Dilly of a pickle wrote: »

I know I messed up by having feelings too early

You aren't a robot, it's perfectly natural to have feelings for someone early on. If she was the right girl for you that wouldn't necessarily be a problem. Having said that there is a balance in terms of how early on you show it, especially before you really know them, warts and all. I went out with someone a while ago that I liked. A month in I knew by him that he was falling for me and was putting me on a pedestal where I could do no wrong. It made me feel uncomfortable. I'm human with flaws like everyone else and I felt like he'd decided I was The One without really properly getting to know me because I ticked all the boxes he had. It felt like it was going too fast and getting intense too soon.

daithi7

Tigger99 wrote: »

You aren't a robot, it's perfectly natural to have feelings for someone early on. If she was the right girl for you that wouldn't necessarily be a problem. Having said that there is a balance in terms of how early on you show it, especially before you really know them, warts and all. I went out with someone a while ago that I liked. A month in I knew by him that he was falling for me and was putting me on a pedestal where I could do no wrong. It made me feel uncomfortable. I'm human with flaws like everyone else and I felt like he'd decided I was The One without really properly getting to know me because I ticked all the boxes he had. It felt like it was going too fast and getting intense too soon.

Ah jeez Tigger and I was sure you were perfect. That's ruined my day, gawd damn ))

Tigger99

Haha sorry to burst your bubble

I'm not sure I agree with the advice that flirty girls are more likely to cheat. How would one even define flirty? I'm a bit quieter than some of my friends who would have the craic with people when they are out but they are fiercely loyal to their partners. I know some other people who seem like the nicest people in the world and they have cheated. In my opinion cheating comes down to insecurity. That the person needs the validation or the flattery.

OP mind yourself and definitely take a break from dating for a while. As is said above, self care is so important. What brings you joy or do you get excited about? Bring more of that into your life.

dellas1979

Dilly of a pickle wrote: »

Thanks.

I have been to counselling before and pretty much exhausted everything at the time

Personally, I see councelling as like self development. And a person is developing all the time.

Some people see it as "I have this certain problem, how can I fix it. Done".

From reading your posts, its clear you do have things you can work on (however you wish). And you recognise this.

I dont think analysing a person and why they did what is at all helpful (in any scenario). Or blaming youself for another's actions. Its about how you cope and internalise things, yourself, with things that happen.

At the moment you seem to believe something is wrong with you (you developed feelings too early? That is not something to beat yourself up about).

I would be thinking "I had feelings for this person (a good thing) and they didnt want them or respect them or whatever, and thats something I cant control/thats about them." rather than take it all on my shoulders and blame myself (for doing absolutely nothing wrong).

Dilly of a pickle

dellas1979 wrote: »

Dilly of a pickle wrote: »

Thanks.

I have been to counselling before and pretty much exhausted everything at the time

Personally, I see councelling as like self development. And a person is developing all the time.

Some people see it as "I have this certain problem, how can I fix it. Done".

From reading your posts, its clear you do have things you can work on (however you wish). And you recognise this.

I dont think analysing a person and why they did what is at all helpful (in any scenario). Or blaming youself for another's actions. Its about how you cope and internalise things, yourself, with things that happen.

At the moment you seem to believe something is wrong with you (you developed feelings too early? That is not something to beat yourself up about).

I would be thinking "I had feelings for this person (a good thing) and they didnt want them or respect them or whatever, and thats something I cant control/thats about them." rather than take it all on my shoulders and blame myself (for doing absolutely nothing wrong).

Yeah I know but I think I could have given it more of a chance. Time wise I didn't really rush in I think I probably didn't listen when I should have realised she was unsure but I'll live with it and hopefully learn from it. I know she didn't really know what she wanted but I probably didn't help things along. Again this is probably more specific to this girl and what happened since the thread opened more than the original question. I know if someone goes behind your back its not nice.

And I tend to go for the quiet girls who have something about them that I am attracted to definitely not the party girl etc

frolic

Counselling sounds like a swell idea. While you wait for your appointment, try to find where the problem may stem.

I've been cheated on in every relationship though I've never not want a lovee sexually, despite how long we've been togetger. I gathered the cheating could stem from my father who was not shy about infidelity and his fondness of prostitutes and strippers. Two men that I've dated cheated on me for prostitutes. Later, I figured an addition to my issue is my attraction to socially awkward men who lack confidence. Is it possible they will latch onto any woman warm towards them due to this? I haven't a clue, but I'll try for someone more sure of themselves next time.

That's an example. Look deep within yourself at what stands out about the people you are attracted to, what patterns are linked between them all, what trauma do you recall from your past? Is it possible for you to change a few habits? Resolve what happened long ago through counselling, try a different type of person, and if you've other problems, unrelated to dating, try figuring out that too.

GROW helped me through my marital separation and I discovered much about myself. Perhaps GROW could help you too. I'm reading a book called Rules of Love by Richard Templa, a suggestion from a much older friend. The book is my effort in understanding further how functional love is to be. Perhaps you could buy a copy? No one is too old to learn and everyone, no matter the age, can grow if they give themselves the proper conditions. Similar to a flower, we need enrichment to grow. Luckily as people, we can provide it ourselves through counselling, support groups, books, friends, motivational speakers, etc.

Good luck to you and may you break the cycle. You deserve to be treated with respect.