Girlfriend cheated...what am I doing wrong?

Dilly of a pickle

Hi,

I discovered in the last few days that my girlfriend was seeing someone else. I was chatting to my friend about it, but every girlfriend (4) I've ever had and one marriage have ended in them cheating on me over the course of 18 years. My friend says I've just having bad luck but I don't know. Seems like when meeting someone new, things start going well and I start to trust them and open myself up and put my heart into it and it always ends this way. This time was especially hard as id just fallen for her. She did the dirt, not even trying to hide it. Not ready for a relationship. I don't know if I'm naive to trust girls I meet, this time it feels different like I won't trust again for a long time and I couldn't date again if I didn't trust or give it my all. I'm worn out after this one she was special. I was in counselling previously to deal with my marriage ending. My councillor said it's on her back that she cheated but surely the common denominator is me??

woodchuck

It's not your fault that they cheated on you. However, there is an obvious pattern emerging. It could be that you're attracting and/or attracted to cheaters. The reasons for that we can only speculate about on here though.

Would you consider going back to counselling? I think the only way to break the cycle is to figure out why it's happening and learn to recognise the signs so that you can avoid getting into relationships with similar people again in the future. But it will probably take a lot of introspection to do so, and a counselor could help guide you along.

leggo

Yeah, totally agree with the above poster in that the problem definitely isn't you, but there may be a common thread in the type of girls you're attracted to. You hear about this a lot (moreso) with women, say, who are attracted to 'bad boys'. I was in a similar situation, though not with cheating, in that of all the people I dated, texted and then went onto have relationships with, the one's I chose were all a certain way and it ended up bringing down relationships because I was attracted to a personality type that I clearly wasn't compatible with. In identifying this, now I'm able to spot those people coming a mile off and the people I've dated and put myself around are the antithesis of this, and now I find that really attractive (whereas before I would've probably shrugged off a lot of these people) because I know the way the other route goes. Once you identify this and feel confident in your ability to spot it, it's very empowering as you all of a sudden realise there's a whole world out there you've yet to explore with endless possibilities because before you'd been going after the same bad eggs.

So do some soul-searching and look back over your past and try identify some common threads with past partners. Look at experiences where, with hindsight, you could see the signs of these common threads peeking through. Then, when you start to meet new people, look out for these warning signs and avoid them like the plague. Don't make the same mistake that many do in trying to right the wrongs of the past and go for the same people over and over hoping that you can change things.

It's very easy to beat yourself up, but truly I wouldn't tell you it wasn't you if I didn't think it was the case, so rule yourself out. They're the one's who cheated. Regardless of what else went on, you CAN put the blame on them. They cheated! It's as black-and-white as you'll get who was in the wrong here, every single time, and it wasn't you.

As far as trust goes, that's another story. You're not wrong to have your guard up after all you've been through, that's totally understandable. For me, when I start seeing someone, I explain to them that trust is earned not given for me. You have to give a little bit for them to work with at the start, else you'd become a paranoid, controlling monster and that's no way to have a relationship, but just expand your vetting process when dating people, don't be afraid to take a million mental notes and judge people harshly if necessary, if you commit to them then you know you'll give them a lot anyway so value yourself highly and vet the **** out of them before going all-in. Do they tell white lies? Do they lie to others around them? Do they have loads of secrets they keep from different people? Do they get defensive easily? Do they project onto you and accuse you of things? Why did their other relationships end? Do they have trust issues themselves? Do they get vulnerable tell you things that could reflect badly on them, but they want to confide in you anyway?

These are all little questions you can ask in your head when you're seeing someone to see how trustworthy they are, then as they pass or fail each test apply your trust accordingly. You don't have to go in blindly trusting someone all the way, that is how people get hurt, and this stuff is why we date before committing. I view it like a constant gauge with someone, they'll never get 100% trust because I've seen and been through too much personally, but they're always on the clock and the more they give me, the more they'll get in return. You've got to let your walls down a bit for relationships to have a chance at working, but you don't have to let them all the way down either.

questionmark?

You are just unlucky. Maybe stay out of the dating game for a little while and get your head sorted. The right person will come along soon. A cheater is a cheater and they would do it no matter who they are with.

professore

Maybe you put them on a pedestal. You can only look down on someone from a pedestal. And despite feminist rhetoric, women only respect men that put themselves first.

leggo

professore wrote: »

And despite feminist rhetoric, women only respect men that put themselves first.

I work with all women. The vast majority of my friends would be women. That's just not true. Like I'm laughing here to myself like a fool thinking about all the women I know, their partners, the stuff I'd hear on a daily basis and how not the case that point is. :pac:

Maisydaisy212

You say you had just fallen for her, did she feel the same? Sounds like a new relationship or that her excuse was she wasn't ready? I've been there getting cheated on is the worst but it's nothing to do with you it's all on the them. Don't let it stop you. Last year i missed out on a great relationship because I was afraid to let my guard down and been regretting it since.

Esel

How long were you with her?

I'm inclined to agree with your counsellor, btw.

Saipanne

Dilly of a pickle wrote: »

Hi,

I discovered in the last few days that my girlfriend was seeing someone else. I was chatting to my friend about it, but every girlfriend (4) I've ever had and one marriage have ended in them cheating on me over the course of 18 years. My friend says I've just having bad luck but I don't know. Seems like when meeting someone new, things start going well and I start to trust them and open myself up and put my heart into it and it always ends this way. This time was especially hard as id just fallen for her. She did the dirt, not even trying to hide it. Not ready for a relationship. I don't know if I'm naive to trust girls I meet, this time it feels different like I won't trust again for a long time and I couldn't date again if I didn't trust or give it my all. I'm worn out after this one she was special. I was in counselling previously to deal with my marriage ending. My councillor said it's on her back that she cheated but surely the common denominator is me??

Do you tend to go for the same personality types? I dated a few bad eggs when I was younger and they were always these emotionally messed up types. I just avoid them now.

Airyfairy12

Its really not your fault, you shouldnt blame yourself. I think that unfortunately most people are cheaters and theres not really anyway of spotting if someone will go behind your back or not, cheaters and liers dont wear a sign, theyre just good at manipulating.
My ex was a serial cheater, all his friends cheated on their partners, my best friend has cheated numerous times on her soon to be husband, theyve got 3 kids together, she even cheated with one of his friends who was also engaged at the time, my brothers ex girlfriend of 12 years openly cheated on him and even told me about guys she had been with while still with my brother, they were living together for 8 years at the time. Theres allot of selfish, inconsiderate gob****es out there that only 'care' about others as long as their needs are being met.

There are still some good people out there that arent morally bankrupt and actually do want build a trusting relationship. Unfortunately theyre just few and far between but dont give up, those women will never change, they'll cheat on every man they end up with. Good for you for leaving the relationships, that must have been hard but it shows you have self respect which is more than can be said for your ex's.

Dilly of a pickle

Thank you all for your replies especially such a detailed one leggo, I'll try and answer as much as possible.

We were together going on 6 months and yes I loved her but she didn't love me back. She told me she did while drunk but said after she only said it as she felt under pressure. Her reason for ending it was she's not ready to be with someone. I get that a lot.

There may be a bit of truth in me putting her on a pedestal if I'm honest. I was really attracted to her and she made me feel good when it was good.

As for me personally, I can already identify the type I seem to get hurt by. Apart from my first relationship when I was in school all my ex have had ex baggage which I don't seem to spot or they hide until I get involved. I've dated quite a bit and I'm quite black and white if I see a trait I don't like early like that I'll walk away. But once I'm involved I think ok you were treated badly by an ex, it's not your fault why shouldn't you have a chance to be happy again. I would feel like crap walking away for that. I had ex baggage that I've dealt with thankfully and wouldn't like it if someone did that. They have actually.

The thing about this girl is she seemed so different. She was very quiet and I liked that. She had been cheated on too but it never seemed to be an issue, it felt she had dealt with it and moved on. I don't think she had been in any relationship since the time between her ex and me, dated yes but nothing more. We had a great time together and things were going nice and slowly. Things had gone quiet tho and we talked about it. We really opened up to each other and we told each other stuff nobody else knew. I opened myself up to her like no other and trusted her completely. You say trust is earned. I felt she earned my trust by being so honest and time together never felt she didn't deserve it. I found it really difficult to trust people since my marriage broke down and even in my marriage and had zero trust in anyone. Then I dated a girl and started seeing her, then she cheated and said she wasn't ready for a relationship. This was last year. I went away and worked on myself away from dating and had found myself really in a good place. I was happy on my own for the first time in about 12 years and I met the girl I'm posting about now. I didn't go in all guns blazing I just took it easy and let her in and trusted, and it felt good. I so didn't think she was like that to go behind my back. It feels now so much worse than before like the time spend on myself and learning that people can be trusted was complete waste of time like I'm back to square one again.

I'm upset and angry that she would do this after all we had chatted about. I wish she had just ended it first and I feel like it was all just a lie and don't know how real it was. I find it hard to believe I'll trust again soon.

I probably veered off the original question a bit but hopefully I've given more insight to it. Again any questions im happy to answer.

Neyite

professore wrote: »

Maybe you put them on a pedestal. You can only look down on someone from a pedestal. And despite feminist rhetoric, women only respect men that put themselves first.

Mod:

Quit with the mass generalisations on women please.

Turtle_

Actually the pedestal thing has a bit of merit (despite the unfair generalisation).

I had a bf who put me on a pedestal. It was uncomfortable, and it felt like he was degrading himself. It also felt like he didn't respect me enough to treat me like an equal. I had to be treated very specially lest I run off... As if I was some sort of high maintenance prima donna. All that did was push me away

A decent person won't want to be put on a pedestal, they want to be seen and treated as an equal. If you put someone on a pedestal it makes if difficult for them to get comfortable in the relationship. To me it's a total no-no. Treating people with respect and consideration is all that's needed.

Dilly of a pickle

Turtle_ wrote: »

Actually the pedestal thing has a bit of merit (despite the unfair generalisation).

I had a bf who put me on a pedestal. It was uncomfortable, and it felt like he was degrading himself. It also felt like he didn't respect me enough to treat me like an equal. I had to be treated very specially lest I run off... As if I was some sort of high maintenance prima donna. All that did was push me away

A decent person won't want to be put on a pedestal, they want to be seen and treated as an equal. If you put someone on a pedestal it makes if difficult for them to get comfortable in the relationship. To me it's a total no-no. Treating people with respect and consideration is all that's needed.

I guess to say I put them on a pedestal may not be the right term exactly. I thought she was a nice girl and really attractive and I would tell her she looked nice etc when we met. I did respect her and didn't feel like I was beneath her or anything. I felt in my head I was lucky to meet her but never came across that way.

gobblegobble

Hi OP sounds like you're going through a rough time I really feel for you but the common denominator isn't you it is a sad reflection on how society is now - as Airyfairy12 said people cheat. 
I'm just wondering if you can give more insight on what happened? She said she loved you then that she didn't? Did you decide to ignore that? Was it before or after you found out she was with someone else?
Maybe her quietness was her holding back. If you were the first person she was with since her ex I bet she was struggling (no reason for her to have messed you around, but it could be a reason) well done to you for taking the time after your marriage ended to work on yourself it can't have been easy but you will be able to do it again and with someone who deserves your efforts.

Went through a similar situation with my OH last year at the beginning of our relationship I found out he had logged on to a dating website I was so upset and disgusted by it but we did work through it...obviously that is nothing compared to what you've been through but so many people have gone through similar situations you are not alone.

professore

leggo wrote: »

I work with all women. The vast majority of my friends would be women. That's just not true. Like I'm laughing here to myself like a fool thinking about all the women I know, their partners, the stuff I'd hear on a daily basis and how not the case that point is. :pac:

You mean the way they complain constantly about how their boyfriends don't show them enough attention? Yet they stay with those same boyfriends? That kind of thing? Not all women are like that, but I've yet to meet a woman who respects a man that worships her. She might say she does, but look at her actions. Better to give her too little attention than too much.

GingerLily

professore wrote: »

You mean the way they complain constantly about how their boyfriends don't show them enough attention? Yet they stay with those same boyfriends? That kind of thing? Not all women are like that, but I've yet to meet a woman who respects a man that worships her. She might say she does, but look at her actions. Better to give her too little attention than too much.

Why do you need to make so many gender generalisations? When one partner worships the other the "worshipped" party will likely lose respect for the "worshipper", but it works for both genders and same sex couples, it's about relationship dynamics not gender.

Big Bag of Chips

professore wrote: »

I've yet to meet a woman who respects a man that worships her.

And I've yet to meet a woman who respects a man that looks down on her. A relationship is called a 'partnership' because both people are supposed to be equals. If one person in the couple considers themselves to be above their partner then it won't work. That is true for whether the 'superior' partner is male or female. If there's a power imbalance in a relationship, as in one person has some sort of game going on a relationship isn't going to work. If you need to figure out how to play the relationship game then your relationships aren't going to work. Lasting relationships are built on mutual trust, respect and attraction, and no games or 'power plays'. Anything else is just a distraction until someone else comes along.

MuffinTop86

From reading your second post, I think you might be oversharing with your partners.
You said you bring a lot of baggage into relationships. If by that you mean you have children, that's another story.
But if it's emotional baggage you need to stop that now. "Opening up" in the first few months about things that happened in the past would make me personally run for the hills. It's too much to lay on someone, use counsellors and friends for support but draw a line in the past and don't keep bringing into new relationships.

Taltos

Mod Note
Posts removed.
Professore - do NOT post in this thread again.

Can I remind everyone if you cannot offer constructive advice and post in a civil manner then please do not post. Ignoring this and our charter as per some of the posts here will just result in mod action up to and including a forum ban with no prior warning. This forum due to the issues here has a low tolerance for posts that fall below the standards needed to protect our OPs.

GingerLily

MuffinTop86 wrote: »

From reading your second post, I think you might be oversharing with your partners.
You said you bring a lot of baggage into relationships. If by that you mean you have children, that's another story.
But if it's emotional baggage you need to stop that now. "Opening up" in the first few months about things that happened in the past would make me personally run for the hills. It's too much to lay on someone, use counsellors and friends for support but draw a line in the past and don't keep bringing into new relationships.

I did think that too reading the OP, it read very heavy, where was the fun?

OP, your Ex's are in the wrong and you are not to blame for their actions but it could be beneficial for you going forward to consider if any of the advice on the thread is applicable to you.

Dilly of a pickle

MuffinTop86 wrote: »

From reading your second post, I think you might be oversharing with your partners.
You said you bring a lot of baggage into relationships. If by that you mean you have children, that's another story.
But if it's emotional baggage you need to stop that now. "Opening up" in the first few months about things that happened in the past would make me personally run for the hills. It's too much to lay on someone, use counsellors and friends for support but draw a line in the past and don't keep bringing into new relationships.

No I wouldn't say that's the issue really, I would have been like that before maybe but not since I took time away. I was more relaxed with this one, took it slowly never put any pressure on her on a knew she wanted to take it slowly as well. It was actually her that started talking about how things were bad with her ex and we shared an open conversation about our past which was nice for both of us. This followed where things were off between us and she had wanted to break up but we gave it another go after chatting. It shouldn't excuse going behind my back a week later tho and I'm wondering why

Dilly of a pickle

Ginger lily, thanks for your post, there was lots of fun up til about a month ago when she started being off form with me. We went away for a few days and things weren't right. She admitted that she felt it was getting too serious, I didn't feel that way or think I was making it serious for her, probably less so. But I appreciate the feedback it's something to keep in mind. I don't want to play games with anyone and pretend I am not interested, I wouldn't even be on here if she just broke up with me it's the constant going behind my back that's hurtful

Potatoeman

Are you sure there were not other warning signs you ignored? People will frequently tell you what type of person they are and pretty quickly too. Look at how they talk about and treat other people. If your judgement is that bad try meeting someome through work/friends. It's far easier to find out what someone is like this way.

GingerLily

Dilly of a pickle wrote: »

Ginger lily, thanks for your post, there was lots of fun up til about a month ago when she started being off form with me. We went away for a few days and things weren't right. She admitted that she felt it was getting too serious, I didn't feel that way or think I was making it serious for her, probably less so. But I appreciate the feedback it's something to keep in mind. I don't want to play games with anyone and pretend I am not interested, I wouldn't even be on here if she just broke up with me it's the constant going behind my back that's hurtful

It sounds like she may have cheated because she wanted to break up and was too cowardly to do it herself.
How did you find out that she cheated? Was she remorseful? Did she try fight for the relationship?

leggo

professore wrote: »

You mean the way they complain constantly about how their boyfriends don't show them enough attention? Yet they stay with those same boyfriends? That kind of thing? Not all women are like that, but I've yet to meet a woman who respects a man that worships her. She might say she does, but look at her actions. Better to give her too little attention than too much.

Not at all, the one problem you get nearly ending relationship is when a man puts his own needs ahead of his girlfriend's, and the one thing that gets major points is when he's kind and considerate. Life isn't complicated (i.e. Treat people like crap and they like you more), it's actually rather straightforward really. Your generalisations sound like crap written to pick-up women online by frustrated guys that people with real world experience look at like "Huh??!"

People don't like pushovers (which is the point you're trying to make...but that has nothing to do with whether someone will cheat or not), but they also don't like people who treat them like crap. You don't need to do B to not be A, you just need to be a normal, decent human being and you'll get by just fine.

Dilly of a pickle

I don't know it was a weird one she didn't deny it when I told her I knew, she didn't try and explain it just sorry it's ended this way. If anything she fought to end it not keep it going

TheAnalyst_

It sounds like for one reason or another that they were not that into you. You need to recognise these signs better so that you spend your time with a person that is.

GingerLily

Dilly of a pickle wrote: »

I don't know it was a weird one she didn't deny it when I told her I knew, she didn't try and explain it just sorry it's ended this way. If anything she fought to end it not keep it going

I think they cheat on you because they're too cowardly to break up with you and they feel less guilty cheating on you so you leave them rather then play the "it's not you it's me" line and explain that they've falling out of love with you, some people are a$$holes.

Estrellita

Is it possible you are wearing your heart on your sleeve with women? You may be far more ready for something commited than the women you meet.

Just to be clear, I'm treating that as potentially a separate issue. The women that have cheated on you hadn't the decency to tell you it wasn't working out for them, instead like most cheaters they have their cake and eat it. The fact you've been cheated on is not your fault in any way, it's all them.

My OH is a wonderful man, and I know he would do anything in this world for me. But I respect that love by loving him back, respecting him and stay loyal to him. Not all women are the same as the ones you've (unfortunately) met. Don't let these women taint your faith in finding someone worthy of the love you have to give.

Don't assume you know someone so quickly, and don't offer your I love you's until you have a very good idea it will be reciprocated.

Dilly of a pickle

Hi again,
mods, apologies if this needs a new thread rather than bumping this.

So after the last post she got back in contact and was so sorry about what happened and didn't want it ending. I took some away and considered my feelings. I told her some honest truths about how it made me feel and she said she was sorry and we exchanged a few emails about stuff but I decided she was worth another go. I don't know why I just felt something for her that I haven't in a while and gave her the benefit of the doubt. She seemed thrilled that we'd be seeing each other again when I asked when we'd meet she kinda brushed me off and was very quiet with me for a week until I asked to meet again. In the space of a few texts she had ended it again. I'm really struggling with this. It's now 2 weeks ago and I just have been very upset over it. It like I stupidly trusted her again not to hurt me and told her I needed to take it slowly anyway after what happened. I know from my friend that she was on tinder within a few days and other stuff but I guess it's her life, I would be far too upset to do that it's like the whole thing meant nothing to her. I know they say time heals etc but I have so many regrets about this girl and the way it ended was just bang and it has me beaten all ends up. I've taken it extremely hard for some reason. Even now I wish it hadn't ended. I'm taking a long break from dating, I don't think it's fair on anyone especially me as my confidence is on the floor and my trust in people has taken a battering too. I know why it ended and I share the blame (not for the cheating part) I don't really know what I'm looking for, I wish we had a chance to talk or something even just to get closure if nothing else. I probably know most of the advice already but it's good to write it down and get some feedback anyway.

Thanks