Should we break up over FB?

LegacyUser

We have been together for nearly a year but my bf never wants anything of us up on FB. Now Im not one of these girls that has a daily pic of us, but now and then if there is an occassion I would like to put one up. He forbids FB as he doesnt want his "private life" all over FB but yet there are still pictures of him and his ex from years ago. He wont change relationship status either, that doesnt bother me im just including it to give a bigger picture. He didnt want me putting things on my page either but eventually gave in only if I dont tag him. Should this become an issue or should I just accept it?

Ursus Horribilis

You haven't told us how your relationship is in "real life". Does he socialise with you? Have you met all his friends and his family? Have you gone out with his family and friends? In other words, is your relationship common knowledge amongst everyone?

On the Facebook thing, we really need more context. Are you one of those 5,000 friends, photos of everything sort of person? Not everybody is and not everybody wants their faces plastered all over Facebook. I'm one of those and I never allow myself to be tagged in anything.

I can understand his point of view to a certain extent re. Facebook. I broke up with my ex a few years ago and I was so glad I hadn't filled in that "In a relationship with...." field. To be honest, I think it can come across as being a bit adolescent. A sort of "Helloooooo. I've got a boyfriend now. Look at meeeeee". The icing on the cake is when the relationship ends and suddenly it's "Mary has changed her relationship status to Single". It's better not to have gone there in the first place. Perhaps your boyfriend was burned by his experiences with his ex and doesn't want to go there again. There is a lot of cleaning up to be done if your relationship ends and you're plastered all over the place.

Irish_Elect_Eng

You are in a relationship.
Your partner has asked that you respect his privacy.
That is a perfectly reasonable request between two people, we are all different.

• If your relationship is otherwise good then this is a reasonable request that you should abide by.
• If your relationship is otherwise poor, then address the underlying issues, this would just be a symptom and not worth discussion.

Best of Luck

Big Bag of Chips

If your relationship is good in all other ways then breaking up over Facebook statuses and photos would seem ridiculous in the extreme. If your relationship is a bit 'meh' anyway, and not worth all that much to you then of course you should finish it.

But finishing a relationship purely because of lack of social media presence is just strange!

Edit:

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

There is a lot of cleaning up to be done if your relationship ends and you're plastered all over the place.

Very true. And if you view your relationship as that fragile that you would consider ending over something so trivial as Facebook, then maybe your bf isn't convinced of your commitment to it going the distance. Some people post pictures of their partners on Facebook. Not everyone does. It is in no way a measure of your relationship.

nuckeythompson

I think you need to break up with facebook and live in the real world. I dumped a girl due to living in the world of facebook. Basically she behaves like you do

twill

I think some posters are choosing to overlook this part in their eagerness to bash the OP.

hiddenidentity wrote: »

He forbids FB as he doesnt want his "private life" all over FB but yet there are still pictures of him and his ex from years ago.

You haven't told us how your relationship is in "real life". Does he socialise with you? Have you met all his friends and his family? Have you gone out with his family and friends? In other words, is your relationship common knowledge amongst everyone?

This would help to provide context, but just based on what the OP has written, he seems like a raging hypocrite, to say the least.

LegacyUser

We are good together other than that. I have met and spend time with his family frequently, but never his friends. I have only met 3 of his friends because he lived with them but I have to ask him can I go when he goes out and he says I am not allowed go on nights out because its "lads only" and they would all be talking about me if I went. FB status' dont bother me.. but these two elemenets combined do

Ursus Horribilis

I saw the comment about the old photos of the ex. It could mean something or it could mean nothing. Some people don't bother deleting their exes and see them as a part of their past. Is he a hypocrite? Quite possibly.

In my opinion we need more information about the relationship in general. I'd also like to know exactly what the OP has said to him over this. Has she said it's bothering her about the ex's photos still being on his Facebook page? What did he say?

Saipanne

Maybe it's just the way the OP phrased it, but I felt fairly suspicious of that behaviour, as described.

LegacyUser

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I saw the comment about the old photos of the ex. It could mean something or it could mean nothing. Some people don't bother deleting their exes and see them as a part of their past. Is he a hypocrite? Quite possibly.

In my opinion we need more information about the relationship in general. I'd also like to know exactly what the OP has said to him over this. Has she said it's bothering her about the ex's photos still being on his Facebook page? What did he say?

Yes i said about the ex's photos.. he said he was a different person then he was young and didnt mind but now he does and doesnt want any picture of us on his FB. He also said he would go as far as deleting his page he doesnt want pics going up that bad

JeffKenna

Seems like he could be cheating on you OP. Be weary.

twill

JeffKenna wrote: »

Seems like he could be cheating on you OP. Be weary.

That's a bit of a leap, it's impossible to jump to conclusions without more information.

hiddenidentity

I created an a/c it was quicker and easier.

Our relationship good other than this. I have met and spend time with his family regularly (weekly) but not so much his friends. I have met 3 of them because he lived with them. I have to ask him to bring me out when he is going out and I am always told no because its only lads and they will hate me if I go ruining their night and would make a fool of me.

I mentioned his ex's photos and he said he was a different person back then he was a lot younger and didnt care, now he wants everything kept private. He even said he would delete his FB if it meant no pictures

bmwguy

I hate anything going on Facebook of me. It's a pain in the hole these days I have an event on tonight and I know I will offend people when I refuse to get in endless photos for Facebook but I just say no. I have an account and use it to keep in touch with events etc but I can't stand people constantly tagging etc. putting up 100 pictures of the night out.

I have 2 friends with kids and their wives can't resist an opportunity to put pictures of their kids on Facebook, it drives the lads mental and causes marital problems but the wives will not listen.

It's all narcissism and attention seeking putting 'look at me, pay attention to me' pictures all over Facebook and looking for likes. Nobody can tell me it's any different than this.

So live in the real world, respect his wishes and don't put his life out for everyone to see.

As for joining him on lads nights out, no way would I bring my OH. She has her nights with friends, I have my nights with friends and we have our own nights together, sometimes with mutual friends.

woodchuck

hiddenidentity wrote: »

I created an a/c it was quicker and easier.

Our relationship good other than this. I have met and spend time with his family regularly (weekly) but not so much his friends. I have met 3 of them because he lived with them. I have to ask him to bring me out when he is going out and I am always told no because its only lads and they will hate me if I go ruining their night and would make a fool of me.

I mentioned his ex's photos and he said he was a different person back then he was a lot younger and didnt care, now he wants everything kept private. He even said he would delete his FB if it meant no pictures

The bit in bold would worry me tbh. I don't want to go jumping to conclusions, but coupled with not wanting pictures of the two of you on facebook, this would have me worried that he's up to no good...

Big Bag of Chips

Are you the OP of 'BF won't socialise with me'.

If yes, then yes, you probably should break up.

EagererBeaver

Why do you want to go on his nights out with the lads? Used to drive me and other friends insane when one of the lads girlfriends would inevitably rock up halfway through our night.

He doesn't want stuff on Facebook - respect it. So what if it was different with an ex? Things change. People change. Why do YOU want it on Facebook?

uck51js9zml2yt

OP if you can't/ won't respect his wishes over FB then ,yes, you should break up with him as it appears you have little respect for him.

hiddenidentity

I think that is a bit harsh tatranska, of course i have respect for him but I am also proud of him and want to be able to put up a pic of my other half if we were at a wedding for eg or on holidays what is wrong with that? I think the way he has handled it is gone overboard.. deleting his whole a/c just so he wont be seen in a pic with me? Plus its not just the FB issue its also going out too

njs030

Does he go out with you at all?

EagererBeaver

hiddenidentity wrote: »

I am also proud of him and want to be able to put up a pic of my other half if we were at a wedding for eg or on holidays what is wrong with that?

He doesn't want you to. I don't like my life being on Facebook either. I don't get why it's such a big deal to YOU. He's told you he doesn't want it up there, what's YOUR motivation for doing the opposite?

Riesen_Meal

I'm probably similar to your fella, I have an account on Facebook but I don't like photos, being tagged in crap from lads I went to school with 30 years ago, tagged in YouTube videos of bands I listened to when I was 15 etc etc

I deliberately don't put pictures of the kids on it as it annoys me when I see people consistently posting pictures of little Timmy's first shît, no one gives a damn...

The only reason I still have it is the handiness of staying in contact with close friends abroad...

I have my status set to in a relationship but my other half deleted her profile a few years ago, I should really myself but I just find it handy to access...

hiddenidentity

It means something to me Eagerbeaver because I in my own mind it means if hes willing to have a pic of me on FB it means his friends know of me and im not a secret. I feel like I am a secret at the min.. I have met none of his friends and he never takes me anywhere. not even over xmas. We havent been on a date since September

JeffKenna

hiddenidentity wrote: »

It means something to me Eagerbeaver because I in my own mind it means if hes willing to have a pic of me on FB it means his friends know of me and im not a secret. I feel like I am a secret at the min.. I have met none of his friends and he never takes me anywhere. not even over xmas. We havent been on a date since September

Are you sure it's actually a committed relationship you're in?

woodchuck

You haven't been on a date since September? Ok, there is definitely more going on here than meets the eye...

As asked above, are you sure you're actually in a committed relationship? Is there any chance he just thinks this is a f*ck buddy situation?

afkasurfjunkie

hiddenidentity wrote: »

It means something to me Eagerbeaver because I in my own mind it means if hes willing to have a pic of me on FB it means his friends know of me and im not a secret. I feel like I am a secret at the min.. I have met none of his friends and he never takes me anywhere. not even over xmas. We havent been on a date since September

If this is the case then the Facebook issue is the least of your problems.

Ursus Horribilis

Ah, it's all coming out in the wash now. I don't like the look of what you're telling us. Time to get rid of him.
It all sounds remarkably similar to the other thread here. How strange....

Tigger99

hiddenidentity wrote: »

It means something to me Eagerbeaver because I in my own mind it means if hes willing to have a pic of me on FB it means his friends know of me and im not a secret. I feel like I am a secret at the min.. I have met none of his friends and he never takes me anywhere. not even over xmas. We havent been on a date since September

Ah seriously. You haven't been on a date since September? Even if his Facebook page was covered with pictures of you his offline behaviour is ****ty. You need to have a think about why you think you are worth so little to accept this semi relationship.

hiddenidentity

well not for dinner or cinema for eg but we have gotten takeaway and usually just stay in

EagererBeaver

hiddenidentity wrote: »

It means something to me Eagerbeaver because I in my own mind it means if hes willing to have a pic of me on FB it means his friends know of me and im not a secret. I feel like I am a secret at the min.. I have met none of his friends and he never takes me anywhere. not even over xmas. We havent been on a date since September

Ignoring the sad fact that whether or not you're on Facebook together is the yard stick of being in a relationship or not in your eyes, as has been asked, are you sure he's your boyfriend? Have you had "the talk"? How long have you been seeing each other? Have you ever done boyfriend/girlfriend type activities - out for dinner or drinks, gone to the cinema, gone on nights or weekends away? If you were to ask him, would he say you were his girlfriend?

hiddenidentity

we are together almost a year. yes of course we have been on dates. just not on nights out or weekends away anything like that. And its not sad,its sad in your eyes but it means something in mine for a valid reason so please dont belittle me

Stheno

hiddenidentity wrote: »

we are together almost a year. yes of course we have been on dates. And its not sad,its sad in your eyes but it means something in mine for a valid reason so please dont belittle me

Have you another thread at the moment about not going out with his friends?

hiddenidentity

No that is not me Mod

Etnies

hiddenidentity wrote: »

It means something to me Eagerbeaver because I in my own mind it means if hes willing to have a pic of me on FB it means his friends know of me and im not a secret. I feel like I am a secret at the min.. I have met none of his friends and he never takes me anywhere. not even over xmas. We havent been on a date since September

I'd just have it out.. say what you said here.. you're not happy with it, and if it doesn't change you're finished with it.. dunno how long with you're with him but not meeting his friends once is a bit mad particularly over xmas

EagererBeaver

hiddenidentity wrote: »

we are together almost a year. yes of course we have been on dates. just not on nights out or weekends away anything like that. And its not sad,its sad in your eyes but it means something in mine for a valid reason so please dont belittle me

I think the fact that you appear to need some sort of public validation or acknowledgement through Facebook is indeed quite sad, yes. It appears there are other issues in your relationship - whether or not he lets you put pictures of him on Facebook isn't one of them. That is his decision and one you should respect.

Saipanne

hiddenidentity wrote: »

we are together almost a year. yes of course we have been on dates. just not on nights out or weekends away anything like that. And its not sad,its sad in your eyes but it means something in mine for a valid reason so please dont belittle me

It doesn't sound like you're in a relationship. Not a real one anyway. Anytime I've dated someone I tend to introduce them to friends and family after 3-6 months. I take them out in public on dates.

The only ones I've ever kept "hidden" were fcuk buddies, and when I operate under that arrangement I make sure both her and I are happy with the terms.

He is working in a weird grey area between the two. It's possible that he's doing this to conceal something...

Stheno

hiddenidentity wrote: »

No that is not me Mod

Im not a mod here just a regular poster.

I think if you cant resolve your issues you should probably split up tbh, sounds like you have very different views

bmwguy

The Facebook thing is a non issue, just respect him on this.

But he should also respect you and do nice things with you, not lads nights, they can be sacred and he might not want to you to see and hear what they get up to (I can't even imagine being interested in going on a girls night out myself) but doing other nice things, otherwise it's just a poor relationship.

Do you want to be in a relationship where you get takeaways and sit in all the time?

Have a think about what you want in a relationship, but don't bring Facebook into it, it's not real but loads of people (male and female, but more female) think it's the be all and end all.

batmanrobin

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Ah, it's all coming out in the wash now. I don't like the look of what you're telling us. Time to get rid of him.
It all sounds remarkably similar to the other thread here. How strange....

Yeah, sounds like the OP's "bf" is keeping her nicely tucked away.

OP, why would you want to be with someone who can't even take you out on a date? Absolutely crazy!! The FB thing is a non-issue. His whole behaviour sounds completely unappealing!

hiddenidentity

some people mention the possibility that he sees me as a f***buddy.. It has crossed my mind that maybe not that exactly but more like he wants the best of both worlds. But then the fact I spend so much time with his family doesnt support that suspicion.. why wouldhe have me around them if he thought of me like that

Big Bag of Chips

Only he can answer that, same as only he can answer why he doesn't go out in public with you. And only you can answer why you're more upset about the Facebook issue than you are about your real life relationship problems.

You have a "virtual" relationship. Its so virtual that you think it needs to be posted online for it to be real.

Saipanne

hiddenidentity wrote: »

some people mention the possibility that he sees me as a f***buddy.. It has crossed my mind that maybe not that exactly but more like he wants the best of both worlds. But then the fact I spend so much time with his family doesnt support that suspicion.. why wouldhe have me around them if he thought of me like that

Just a note. It would help us to help you if you didn't drip feed us important facts, as you do.

hiddenidentity

I didnt Sapianne if you go back to page one of this thread you will see where i did state I do see his family regularly and spend time with them. So maybe read all in full first

hiddenidentity

BigBagof Chips - I know I have bigger problems but I think I am indirectly using FB as a way of validating our relationship instead of dealing with the harder issues..if that makes sense

EagererBeaver

You spend lots of time with his family but you worry that he wants to keep you as some sort of secret?

Those two points don't match up.

cactusgal

I went out with someone who wouldn't post pics of me on FB, but was perfectly happy to be in pics with other women on FB (the younger and prettier, the better). It made me feel like crap, but I kept telling myself that FB was so silly, don't worry about it, blah blah. However, it wasn't just FB, it took a while for the penny to drop, but he just wasn't really that into the relationship. The FB issue was symptomatic of a larger problem. We were together for over 2 years, I also met family, was introduced as his girlfriend, etc (a lot of the relationship was long-distance, though, so it dragged on longer than it should have).

Don't let others tell you not to be upset about the FB issue. I don't use it much and my now-OH never does, but if someone goes to great lengths to conceal your relationship to the wider public, it really makes you feel sh*tty. But only you can decide how high or low your standards are.

Big Bag of Chips

Well you're wondering if you should break up with him. If you're not getting what you need from the relationship, then the answer is yes. You can make it about Facebook if you want, but at the end of the day the result will be the same. Facebook is a symptom of a much larger problem. I'd just be wary if you do end it and use Facebook as the excuse and not the lack of an actual relationship, he's likely to think you are nuts, and tell his family and few friends who do know you that you broke up with him because you couldn't post on Facebook about him.

The mature thing to do is sit down with him and talk about where you both see the relationship going. If it's not in roughly the same direction, then what's the point?

hiddenidentity

secret from his friends...

Faith

I was seeing someone who didn't want me to post anything about him on Facebook either, and would freak out if I tagged him in something.

Turned out it was because he didn't want his girlfriend to see evidence of his cheating.

SouthernBelle

Faith wrote: »

I was seeing someone who didn't want me to post anything about him on Facebook either, and would freak out if I tagged him in something.

Turned out it was because he didn't want his girlfriend to see evidence of his cheating.

Finally! Someone with the balls to say what I was thinking!! My friend was in the same situation. She had even met some of his siblings - obviously they were used to his cheating ways though.

cookiexx

Maybe he's messaging and flirting with lots of other women on facebook and evidence that he's in a relationship would put an end to all of that.

Wouldn't be the first time I've seen it.