Kissed a guy...

anon71

anon71 wrote: »

In my OP I thought I'd made it pretty clear that I wanted these feelings gone. I also have said that I've no intention of pursuing an affair with this other guy.That doesn't mean I can stop how I feel about him.
I'm well aware that my actions were totally out of order. But based on events the last couple of days it's become obvious that this wasn't his first time.
Turns out he's interested now in things going further but I've told him no. It would be very easy to do as there is some overnight travel required in my job. I've also requested in my end of year review that I move departments next year.
It's not unusual and is seen as a positive career move.
To those that think I'm a bad wife/person/etc..I'm genuinely not. I made a mistake. We all do..
I'm not going to tell my husband..I don't see what good it would do.
I want my marriage to work..whether or not it does, I don't know but I'm going to try.
I do think some people have been unnecessarily harsh..I suppose it's easy to do from behind the keyboard..Well I hope it stays fine for you..no-one knows what's around the corner for anyone. 2 months ago I'd never have said I'd be in this position.
I'm signing out now..

You didn't make a mistake. A mistake is buying the wrong kind of toilet paper. A mistake is dropping something by accident. What you did was cheat on your husband by kissing on another man.

And you can't blame alcohol, which people in this situation often do. This is not an excuse and should never be used as such. You were fully aware of what you were doing and you could have stopped it, but you didn't. If you weren't fully aware, then that's a totally different thing, but I don't believe that were the case, because this would be an entirely different thread.

You hurt your husband the second you kissed someone else. You hurt your husband by having an infatuation then with this other guy. And you're continuing to hurt your husband by not telling him.

If you don't tell him and this doesn't eat away at you, making you feel bad for what you've done and for how you've hurt him then this means one of two things -

1) You need to completely reevaluate who you are.
2) Your relationship with your husband doesn't mean as much to you as you had thought.

And then you still try to pass blame on to this other guy by saying, "he might have done it before".

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

If you don't tell him and this doesn't eat away at you, making you feel bad for what you've done and for how you've hurt him then this means one of two things -

1) You need to completely reevaluate who you are.
2) Your relationship with your husband doesn't mean as much to you as you had thought.

Ah here, that isn't advice, it's judgement.

Monogamy might be the last great lie Ireland believes in, now that our faith in the State and the Church has been (thankfully) broken. It is a harmful fairytale handed down to children when they are too young to know better. So much misery in Ireland is caused by the outdated belief in it and seriously the sooner we can adopt a continental approach to relationships the better.

It is natural and healthy to be attracted to other people. Everyone acknowledges this. The OP made a minor indiscretion, imo, but even leaving the rights and wrongs of the act itself aside, the OP asked for advice on how to handle her feelings for the other guy, very few posters have given her constructive advice on how to handle her feelings.

OP, I would first say to you that it is normal and healthy to find other people attractive. Millions of years of evolution created a drive in humans to do so. I would say that the only real cure for those feelings aren't actually to isolate yourself from him but rather to get so used to him that the attraction fades (as it does with anything over time). Some people say it's best to cut contact but that can make you idealise the other person. If you'd to live with the new guy you'd see his flaws pretty quickly too.

Good luck OP, I hope you find peace in 2017.

professore

ASocialScientist wrote: »

Ah here, that isn't advice, it's judgement.

Monogamy might be the last great lie Ireland believes in, now that our faith in the State and the Church has been (thankfully) broken. It is a harmful fairytale handed down to children when they are too young to know better. So much misery in Ireland is caused by the outdated belief in it and seriously the sooner we can adopt a continental approach to relationships the better.

It is natural and healthy to be attracted to other people. Everyone acknowledges this. The OP made a minor indiscretion, imo, but even leaving the rights and wrongs of the act itself aside, the OP asked for advice on how to handle her feelings for the other guy, very few posters have given her constructive advice on how to handle her feelings.

OP, I would first say to you that it is normal and healthy to find other people attractive. Millions of years of evolution created a drive in humans to do so. I would say that the only real cure for those feelings aren't actually to isolate yourself from him but rather to get so used to him that the attraction fades (as it does with anything over time). Some people say it's best to cut contact but that can make you idealise the other person. If you'd to live with the new guy you'd see his flaws pretty quickly too.

Good luck OP, I hope you find peace in 2017.

There's a huge difference between finding others attractive and doing something about it - and also constantly thinking about that person and wanting to be with them instead of your partner and just finding them hot. The former is a much bigger issue. I don't think anyone believes anymore that married people don't find others attractive.

Maybe it's marriage itself that is outdated? If I was young again I wouldn't get married, as the attitude is that it's ok to go off with other people. There is no other benefit I see to being married, and a lot of downside. You are tying yourself into a contract where the person who breaks it gets more benefits (i.e. They can have their cake and eat it) than the one who doesn't. There aren't even any tax advantages anymore.

And the so called "continental" attitude to infidelity is a myth - people "on the continent" referred to are generally rich men who have mistresses, and can afford to keep them and often their marriages are ones of power and money and nothing to do with love - this is common in the Anglosphere too, but it's reported much more judgementally or ignored - Charlie Haughey had a mistress for example, JFK, and let's not get started on Bill Clinton.

The average Joe or Josephine in France is just as pissed if their spouse cheats on them as they would be here. The stats say half of French men and a third of women admit to cheating - that's the same as the UK and US (and I believe from personal experience of friends etc it's more like 50/50 as there is more of a stigma for a woman to admit to it).

HiGlo

leggo wrote: »

Okay let's not start projecting, if you can't deal with subjects like cheating without making it personal and getting abusive towards the OP, you probably aren't level headed enough to be in PI.

Haha, ironically, that was exactly my thought regarding your post. I've never seen such projecting!!
Anyway, that's neither here nor there.......

OP, I feel for you. It sounds like a tough situation. My thoughts would be, if you are not happy in your marriage talk to your husband. That doesn't mean you have to walk away. Just have a conversation. Work on it if you really want things to change.
If you really deep down don't want things to change and don't actually want to be with him then you need to walk away. It's deeply unfair to either of you to keep going. Even if he's hurt by you leaving you need to give him a chance to live the life he deserves - and yourself too.

cloudatlas

A lot of people on this thread are acting like the OP's relationship problems are stemming from the kiss whereas it is just a symptom of her marriage problems. She clearly needs to confront the failure in the relationship and should have come here to discuss that issue. Telling the husband will not help and will be the nuclear option but if she really doesn't love him then she must let him to live and love someone else.

dudara

Closed at OP's request

dudara