Kissed a guy...

anon71

...he's married and so am I..it was a drunken work thing which I totally initiated.
I'm attracted to him but he just wants to forget about it which is the right thing to do.
Trouble is I'm starting to become totally obsessed with him..I fantasize about him constantly. I'm not sleeping or eating properly.
I see him every day at work and there's no way of changing that.
I need to stop this..I know nothing can come of it but I'm like a lovestruck teenager..
How do I stop this? I swear I'm not a bad person and I've never done anything like this before..he says he hasn't either..
How do I stop these feelings?

leggo

You're infatuated OP, nothing more. For a start there is no future with this guy ("Those who cheat with you cheat on you" in addition to him telling you he wants to forget it). You're projecting an image onto him that just isn't real, he did cheat on his wife after all and pledge to keep it a secret instantly, which would suggest it isn't his first time doing so in spite of his words, since he seems calculated and like there's no moral quandary he's struggling with. His reaction is entirely based around not getting caught and keeping you quiet. I believe you when you say you've never done this before because at least you seem to be having an emotional reaction and worrying about it.

These feelings are hormones brought forward by something missing in your life and you're acting on it. Are there problems in your marriage? Do you find work a little boring and are you in need of a thrilling, secret affair of some sorts? (The fact you're still chatting away to this person instead of cutting all contact immediately for the sake of your marriage suggest this)

The feelings aren't real. But there is something real going on that caused this to happen. Get to the bottom of that and stop talking to this man, every time you do you're effectively cheating on your husband again by building this secretive relationship with someone who knows something your husband doesn't. If you're struggling to do so then put your marriage first for once here and come clean to your husband. He's the man in your life you should have secrets with and who you deal with all issues of the heart with. So stop dealing with your problems with your work colleague (it's unprofessional and threatens to stain your career for a start) and start dealing with your problems with your husband. You made a commitment after all.

professore

She chased after him, he was drunk and briefly responded, and instantly regretted it, is wracked with shame and guilt, she's like a lovesick teenager, and he's "done it before" and is "the bad guy" ???? The double standards here are unbelievable.

If he did it before he would have chased her and had sex with her? This is all on the OP. Why doesn't she tell her husband? She is a bad wife, plain and simple.

leggo

Okay let's not start projecting, if you can't deal with subjects like cheating without making it personal and getting abusive towards the OP, you probably aren't level headed enough to be in PI.

First up, I never said anyone is a 'bad guy' here, you're judging things based on blame and shame which is an unhealthy way to view the world, as if every action has one person at fault and it absolves the other of all responsibility.

Both of them are married, both broke commitments to their partners, this bloke isn't a shining example of righteousness that the OP is making him out to be in her head because he (like the OP) cheated on his spouse! He did the one of the worst things imaginable to the one person he's committed to on this planet. So that's not a sustainable way of starting a relationship because the one bit of info we know about this guy and relationships is that he can be unfaithful.

I say this and not stuff like "you're a bad wife" because it's the OP and her feelings that are relevant here because she is the one asking for advice, not him. I'm not blaming him, nor am I blaming the OP, they're both in it. I'm just choosing not to name call because, for as much as that might make some people feel better because of their own bitterness towards the subject, it doesn't actually help anyone at all (their partners included) and that's the idea of this place.

And yes, it is suspicious when someone switches immediately into "How do we cover this up?" because that suggests an instinct to lie to their partner rather than face responsibility for their actions. So I look at that before I listen to him saying he's never done anything like that before. The OP's feelings and confusion are much more consistent with someone who's never done it before and is racked with guilt. He just immediately switches to cover-up mode.

anon71

The second post rocked me back a bit of my heels I'll admit..I don't think one bad act makes me a bad wife..and I'm not blaming anyone but myself for it starting..it could have gone a lot further and that was at his urging, but I didn't go there.
Did he do this before? I honestly don't know but I can only take him at his word inasmuch as he can only take me at mine.
We flirted a little bit before which TBH I think is OK but drink definitely got the better of me.

My marriage isn't all I would want it to be. That's on me and my husband..I'm not going to tell him about this,I don't see how it would help..But I do need to decide what to do.

Regarding working with this guy, I genuinely don't have a choice but we are avoiding direct contact as much as possible..me because I'm very embarrassed..him, maybe the same..

I'm lost here because this is all new to me. I know its just an infatuation but its still an emotion I have to deal with.

So I don't think I'm a bad wife of a bad person..Sometimes good people do stupid things..

Irish_Elect_Eng

leggo, proffosore has a valid point on the projecting. It is the OP that is posting so their emotions would be described, you are projecting intent/lack of emotion and the intent of the other participant with no information. So lets focus on the OPs actions and feelings as described instead.

OP,

• Were you attracted to this guy before the night out? Is he your office crush?
• You say that he wants to forget about this, but do you want to take this further?
• You say that there is no way to change your daily encounters, of course there is, but do you want to?
• Do you value your marriage or are you looking for a way out?

What to do?
You are an adult, You know what you have to do!
You decide what it is you want in life and you act appropriately.
You are not a passive participant in a story, we write our own stories, every day, through action or inaction

A good place to start would be:

• Stop drinking if you betray your husband when drunk.
• You minimize contact with this man at work.
• You cut out all social contact with this man.
• Change jobs, others at work may know, he may have told other while drunk or they may put 2 & 2 together from your behaviour.
• You never mention the drunken kiss again. (To either this man or your husband)
• You focus on rebuilding your relationship with your husband, which has been damaged, even if he does not know about the kiss.

You have devalued your marriage by cheating on your husband, drunk or not, it's no excuse. If you do not commit to improving it you will probably find yourself in the same position again in the future. Do your husband a favor, either commit to him, work on sorting whatever went wrong that allowed you to think in your head that it was OK to kiss another man and be faithful in future, or move on and let him do the same rather than break up after a few more wasted years.

Best of Luck to You.

anon71

Irish_Elect_Eng wrote: »

OP,

• Were you attracted to this guy before the night out? Is he your office crush?
• You say that he wants to forget about this, but do you want to take this further?
• You say that there is no way to change your daily encounters, of course there is, but do you want to?
• Do you value your marriage or are you looking for a way out?

Yes I would say I was attracted to him, different than finding someone attractive.
I thought the feeling was mutual but now I don't believe that to be the case..
That's why I'm so horrified with myself.I acted completely out of character..
But even though we are keeping our distance I do feel something when I see him.
We have no contact at all outside of work..so once I've left work that's it.

TBH even if I end up admitting to myself that I'm not happy in my marriage, I won't leave my husband..it would break his heart..and I know I'll get over this..

Dr Crayfish

anon71 wrote: »

TBH even if I end up admitting to myself that I'm not happy in my marriage, I won't leave my husband..it would break his heart..and I know I'll get over this..

Well if that's the case it's way more selfish to keep him in a sham marriage rather than letting him go. Broken hearts mend, most of us have been there.
I really think you need to properly evaluate your relationship with your husband and make some decisions.

professore

anon71 wrote: »

Yes I would say I was attracted to him, different than finding someone attractive.
I thought the feeling was mutual but now I don't believe that to be the case..
That's why I'm so horrified with myself.I acted completely out of character..
But even though we are keeping our distance I do feel something when I see him.
We have no contact at all outside of work..so once I've left work that's it.

TBH even if I end up admitting to myself that I'm not happy in my marriage, I won't leave my husband..it would break his heart..and I know I'll get over this..

Read back over this and imagine it's your husband telling you this after shifting some work colleague he's developed deep feelings for. Would you still want to be married to him after that? Be honest. You should tell him and let him make up his own mind.

And to the projecting comment someone else made, they projected a whole lot of things on the other guy that just weren't in the original comment. Also find it strange that the OP claims she stopped things going any further even though it was her that started and the guy doesn't want to go any further.

And for the it's not me comment, it is you. You were thinking about this for weeks, and still are. This is no moment of weakness.

I'm not trying to personally attack you OP, I'm just telling it as I see it. Seen too many lives destroyed with this kind of thing. Not fair on you or your husband.

We all get feelings for others from time to time. That's normal. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar and is much more likely to cheat than someone who can be honest with themselves and act appropriately.

You don't seem to know yourself very well at all OP. You didn't know you are capable of cheating and you don't know if you love your husband. Hint: if you have to ask, the answer is no. I think some individual counseling would be very advisable. The only reason you aren't in a full blown affair now is because the other guy isn't interested, not some amazing virtue on your part.

I also think you might not know your husband very well either - you say he would be heartbroken but you might be surprised. He might be more perceptive than you give him credit for.

professore

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

Well if that's the case it's way more selfish to keep him in a sham marriage rather than letting him go. Broken hearts mend, most of us have been there.
I really think you need to properly evaluate your relationship with your husband and make some decisions.

^^^^^ This

Ursus Horribilis

I'm not going to lash you for what you did. But I assume you realise that an awful lot is hanging in the balance here. Not just your marriage but your financial future and your professional reputation. Did anyone in work see you together or spot the body language? I heard someone on the radio say that if you do something stupid at a work do, it will define you for the rest of your time there.

It is notable how absent your husband is in all of this. Putting your head in the sand isn't something you can do forever. Why are you unhappy in your marriage? Have you and your husband ever sought help to try and improve it? If you haven't done so until now, is it something you'd like to do? You haven't said if you've got a family but a marriage is not something that should be thrown away lightly.

anon71

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I'm not going to lash you for what you did. But I assume you realise that an awful lot is hanging in the balance here. Not just your marriage but your financial future and your professional reputation. Did anyone in work see you together or spot the body language? I heard someone on the radio say that if you do something stupid at a work do, it will define you for the rest of your time there.

It is notable how absent your husband is in all of this. Putting your head in the sand isn't something you can do forever. Why are you unhappy in your marriage? Have you and your husband ever sought help to try and improve it? If you haven't done so until now, is it something you'd like to do? You haven't said if you've got a family but a marriage is not something that should be thrown away lightly.

We don't have kids but the other guy does. I know it sounds like I'm ignoring the fact that I have a husband but I don't see this as being his problem. We do have issues but nothing that would have excused what I did.

A couple of my work friends know what happened, I honestly don't see him telling anyone. He's too ambitious and something like this wouldn't be good for his career.

anon71

professore wrote: »

Read back over this and imagine it's your husband telling you this after shifting some work colleague he's developed deep feelings for. Would you still want to be married to him after that? Be honest.

Also find it strange that the OP claims she stopped things going any further even though it was her that started and the guy doesn't want to go any further.

That's why I'm not telling him..I haven't given up on my marriage.

And although I did make the first move he didn't try to stop it. He suggested going further that night but I said no. Not trying to make myself out as the hero of the situation: I read the situation wrong, I thought he was interested but I suppose when it was handed to him on a plate and with impaired judgement...

And to be fair even if he wanted a full blown affair I wouldn't go there..I'm well aware that this isn't reality..

racso1975

anon71 wrote: »

We don't have kids but the other guy does. I know it sounds like I'm ignoring the fact that I have a husband but I don't see this as being his problem. We do have issues but nothing that would have excused what I did.

His wife shifted somebody else!!! Trust me he has a problem!!! He may not be conscious of it but he has one. He is probably also very aware something is playing on your mind

racso1975

I'm sorry op but when you say " I'm attracted to him but he just wants to forget about it" I honestly get the feeling that if he was interested an affair/relationship then you would not be posting here.

Stheno

anon71 wrote: »

We don't have kids but the other guy does. I know it sounds like I'm ignoring the fact that I have a husband but I don't see this as being his problem. We do have issues but nothing that would have excused what I did.

A couple of my work friends know what happened, I honestly don't see him telling anyone. He's too ambitious and something like this wouldn't be good for his career.

If even one of your work friends know then the entire office will soon tbh

ford2600

On topic quote from Post Office (1971) by Charles Bukowski which is relevant.

What I am trying to say is, there is a certain game played in offices all over America. The people are bored, they don't know what to do, so they play the office-romance game. Most of the time it means nothing but the passing of time. Sometimes they do manage to work off a screw or two on the side. But even then, it is just an offhand pasttime, like bowling or t.v. or a New Year's Eve party. You've got to understand that it doesn't mean anything and then you won't get hurt. Do you understand what I mean?

professore

anon71 wrote: »

I know it sounds like I'm ignoring the fact that I have a husband but I don't see this as being his problem. We do have issues but nothing that would have excused what I did.

So if he goes shifting other women it's not your problem? Great foundation for a marriage.

anon71 wrote: »

A couple of my work friends know what happened, I honestly don't see him telling anyone. He's too ambitious and something like this wouldn't be good for his career.

Until someone is up against him for a promotion ... Or has a grudge ... Or knows his wife ... Or a thousand other things. And your work friends know, that poor man you claim to respect will have to face ridicule going to work functions with his "loving" wife. Oh dear.

Irish_Elect_Eng

Stheno wrote: »

If even one of your work friends know then the entire office will soon tbh

Just like you could not control yourself when drunk, neither will your colleagues and tongues will wag. Your husband & likely his wife will find out eventually.

fergiesfolly

Troll wrote: »

Nonsense

Honestly?!?!
Are you actually offering up that as an excuse?
I act out of character when I have a migraine.
Can I use that as an excuse when I kiss some randomer?
Unbelievable.

enzo roco

anon71 wrote: »

TBH even if I end up admitting to myself that I'm not happy in my marriage, I won't leave my husband..it would break his heart..and I know I'll get over this..

Tell your husband.
He deserves to know, and deserves better than you

Bandana boy

Do not tell your Husband - that will only hurt him.
A drunk kiss at a party is not good but its not the end of the world.
What far more important is the longing for an affair with this man you have , and without addressing you could end up in far deeper water.

I would take out a pen and paper and write out all the negative things that will/could happen if you have an affair with this man. Include the conversations you will have to have with family members explaining your side when your caught.

Then read this out loud to yourself and this might add some realism to this escapism. I think this will help you see this crush for what it is , and stop the romanticized version you are fantasizing about.

Lastly , Your current relationship needs work , try focus on that for the new year , how do you get the rush you want from this man with your current man.

racso1975

Bandana boy wrote: »

Do not tell your Husband - that will only hurt him.


Lastly , Your current relationship needs work , try focus on that for the new year , how do you get the rush you want from this man with your current man.

How is she supposed to work on the relationship if she's not being honest in the first place?

I would think the place to start is to be honest about what happened. Let him decide if he wants to stay and if so they both work through it as a couple and hopefully come out stronger!!!

Bandana boy

racso1975 wrote: »

How is she supposed to work on the relationship if she's not being honest in the first place?

I would think the place to start is to be honest about what happened. Let him decide if he wants to stay and if so they both work through it as a couple and hopefully come out stronger!!!

Confessing to one minor drunken indiscretion will not help ,it will make any conversation be about this indiscretion , that is just the way people work. It will hurt him and make the job so much harder , move past it , do not repeat it and work on why you ended up in that position.

professore

It's threads like this that make more and more men decide to never get married.

professore

It's an awful lot more than a drunken kiss for her though. To say that would be useless ... She would need to show him this thread.

Ann84

professore wrote: »

It's threads like this that make more and more men decide to never get married.

more and more PEOPLE... although I'm pretty sure the majority of people getting married do it assuming the person their marrying won't cheat on them!

OP, I hope you plan on taking some time to figure out what the hell has happened and what you plan on doing about your marriage because it has problems.

Cheaters never get away with cheating, even if they never get caught - you have put a secret between you and your husband and it will always be there, in the background.
I'm not sure it would be a benefit to tell him provided you get your head straight and try to make up for what you let happen. You owe him a chance to find x what's wrong without distraction... or leave him and let you both find your own happiness.

professore

Ann84 wrote: »

more and more PEOPLE... although I'm pretty sure the majority of people getting married do it assuming the person their marrying won't cheat on them!

Fair point ....

anon71

In my OP I thought I'd made it pretty clear that I wanted these feelings gone. I also have said that I've no intention of pursuing an affair with this other guy.That doesn't mean I can stop how I feel about him.
I'm well aware that my actions were totally out of order. But based on events the last couple of days it's become obvious that this wasn't his first time.
Turns out he's interested now in things going further but I've told him no. It would be very easy to do as there is some overnight travel required in my job. I've also requested in my end of year review that I move departments next year.
It's not unusual and is seen as a positive career move.
To those that think I'm a bad wife/person/etc..I'm genuinely not. I made a mistake. We all do..
I'm not going to tell my husband..I don't see what good it would do.
I want my marriage to work..whether or not it does, I don't know but I'm going to try.
I do think some people have been unnecessarily harsh..I suppose it's easy to do from behind the keyboard..Well I hope it stays fine for you..no-one knows what's around the corner for anyone. 2 months ago I'd never have said I'd be in this position.
I'm signing out now..

Big Bag of Chips

Only time will get rid of the feelings, and maybe the realisation that you weren't 'special' to him. It meant something to you, to him, if it's not his first time, it was just an ego thing.

I don't think you're a bad person. Getting married doesn't magically stop us being attracted to others. But it is supposed to make us stop pursuing others. You need to concentrate on your marriage now. You got a bit carried away with a crush. It can happen, and unfortunately others can get hurt. I don't see what's to be gained from telling your husband. Put it down to a one off mistake. But if you find the mistake likely to happen again, even with someone else, then you have a problem and your husband deserves to not be stuck in a marriage like that.

Wompa1

If you want your marriage to work, I'd suggest you either tell your husband and hope for forgiveness or find another job and get away from this other guy.

anon71

anon71 wrote: »

In my OP I thought I'd made it pretty clear that I wanted these feelings gone. I also have said that I've no intention of pursuing an affair with this other guy.That doesn't mean I can stop how I feel about him.
I'm well aware that my actions were totally out of order. But based on events the last couple of days it's become obvious that this wasn't his first time.
Turns out he's interested now in things going further but I've told him no. It would be very easy to do as there is some overnight travel required in my job. I've also requested in my end of year review that I move departments next year.
It's not unusual and is seen as a positive career move.
To those that think I'm a bad wife/person/etc..I'm genuinely not. I made a mistake. We all do..
I'm not going to tell my husband..I don't see what good it would do.
I want my marriage to work..whether or not it does, I don't know but I'm going to try.
I do think some people have been unnecessarily harsh..I suppose it's easy to do from behind the keyboard..Well I hope it stays fine for you..no-one knows what's around the corner for anyone. 2 months ago I'd never have said I'd be in this position.
I'm signing out now..

You didn't make a mistake. A mistake is buying the wrong kind of toilet paper. A mistake is dropping something by accident. What you did was cheat on your husband by kissing on another man.

And you can't blame alcohol, which people in this situation often do. This is not an excuse and should never be used as such. You were fully aware of what you were doing and you could have stopped it, but you didn't. If you weren't fully aware, then that's a totally different thing, but I don't believe that were the case, because this would be an entirely different thread.

You hurt your husband the second you kissed someone else. You hurt your husband by having an infatuation then with this other guy. And you're continuing to hurt your husband by not telling him.

If you don't tell him and this doesn't eat away at you, making you feel bad for what you've done and for how you've hurt him then this means one of two things -

1) You need to completely reevaluate who you are.
2) Your relationship with your husband doesn't mean as much to you as you had thought.

And then you still try to pass blame on to this other guy by saying, "he might have done it before".

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

If you don't tell him and this doesn't eat away at you, making you feel bad for what you've done and for how you've hurt him then this means one of two things -

1) You need to completely reevaluate who you are.
2) Your relationship with your husband doesn't mean as much to you as you had thought.

Ah here, that isn't advice, it's judgement.

Monogamy might be the last great lie Ireland believes in, now that our faith in the State and the Church has been (thankfully) broken. It is a harmful fairytale handed down to children when they are too young to know better. So much misery in Ireland is caused by the outdated belief in it and seriously the sooner we can adopt a continental approach to relationships the better.

It is natural and healthy to be attracted to other people. Everyone acknowledges this. The OP made a minor indiscretion, imo, but even leaving the rights and wrongs of the act itself aside, the OP asked for advice on how to handle her feelings for the other guy, very few posters have given her constructive advice on how to handle her feelings.

OP, I would first say to you that it is normal and healthy to find other people attractive. Millions of years of evolution created a drive in humans to do so. I would say that the only real cure for those feelings aren't actually to isolate yourself from him but rather to get so used to him that the attraction fades (as it does with anything over time). Some people say it's best to cut contact but that can make you idealise the other person. If you'd to live with the new guy you'd see his flaws pretty quickly too.

Good luck OP, I hope you find peace in 2017.

professore

ASocialScientist wrote: »

Ah here, that isn't advice, it's judgement.

Monogamy might be the last great lie Ireland believes in, now that our faith in the State and the Church has been (thankfully) broken. It is a harmful fairytale handed down to children when they are too young to know better. So much misery in Ireland is caused by the outdated belief in it and seriously the sooner we can adopt a continental approach to relationships the better.

It is natural and healthy to be attracted to other people. Everyone acknowledges this. The OP made a minor indiscretion, imo, but even leaving the rights and wrongs of the act itself aside, the OP asked for advice on how to handle her feelings for the other guy, very few posters have given her constructive advice on how to handle her feelings.

OP, I would first say to you that it is normal and healthy to find other people attractive. Millions of years of evolution created a drive in humans to do so. I would say that the only real cure for those feelings aren't actually to isolate yourself from him but rather to get so used to him that the attraction fades (as it does with anything over time). Some people say it's best to cut contact but that can make you idealise the other person. If you'd to live with the new guy you'd see his flaws pretty quickly too.

Good luck OP, I hope you find peace in 2017.

There's a huge difference between finding others attractive and doing something about it - and also constantly thinking about that person and wanting to be with them instead of your partner and just finding them hot. The former is a much bigger issue. I don't think anyone believes anymore that married people don't find others attractive.

Maybe it's marriage itself that is outdated? If I was young again I wouldn't get married, as the attitude is that it's ok to go off with other people. There is no other benefit I see to being married, and a lot of downside. You are tying yourself into a contract where the person who breaks it gets more benefits (i.e. They can have their cake and eat it) than the one who doesn't. There aren't even any tax advantages anymore.

And the so called "continental" attitude to infidelity is a myth - people "on the continent" referred to are generally rich men who have mistresses, and can afford to keep them and often their marriages are ones of power and money and nothing to do with love - this is common in the Anglosphere too, but it's reported much more judgementally or ignored - Charlie Haughey had a mistress for example, JFK, and let's not get started on Bill Clinton.

The average Joe or Josephine in France is just as pissed if their spouse cheats on them as they would be here. The stats say half of French men and a third of women admit to cheating - that's the same as the UK and US (and I believe from personal experience of friends etc it's more like 50/50 as there is more of a stigma for a woman to admit to it).

HiGlo

leggo wrote: »

Okay let's not start projecting, if you can't deal with subjects like cheating without making it personal and getting abusive towards the OP, you probably aren't level headed enough to be in PI.

Haha, ironically, that was exactly my thought regarding your post. I've never seen such projecting!!
Anyway, that's neither here nor there.......

OP, I feel for you. It sounds like a tough situation. My thoughts would be, if you are not happy in your marriage talk to your husband. That doesn't mean you have to walk away. Just have a conversation. Work on it if you really want things to change.
If you really deep down don't want things to change and don't actually want to be with him then you need to walk away. It's deeply unfair to either of you to keep going. Even if he's hurt by you leaving you need to give him a chance to live the life he deserves - and yourself too.

cloudatlas

A lot of people on this thread are acting like the OP's relationship problems are stemming from the kiss whereas it is just a symptom of her marriage problems. She clearly needs to confront the failure in the relationship and should have come here to discuss that issue. Telling the husband will not help and will be the nuclear option but if she really doesn't love him then she must let him to live and love someone else.

dudara

Closed at OP's request

dudara