Money Troubles

Pawwed Rig

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lawred2

No you're not blowing it out of proportion. He sounds like a selfish child.

Bad enough he spent the money... But not even on treating you at Christmas. He looked after himself.

Get rid.

Rachiee

OP his behaviour is utterly shocking. Its disgracefully childish and selfish and yes is stealing. After all the sacrifices you made over the past 6 months to build a future together he took that and bought rubbish.
It sounds like you really love him and want to make your relationship work but this issue needs to be addressed or resentment will build up. Firstly lay out to him that he essentially stole from you and that as sorry as he is he needs to actually pay you back. Dont put another penny into the account until he single-handedly gets it back up to the original amount. Anything that can be sold do so. sorry isnt good enough he needs to take responsibility and start making sacrifices.

afkasurfjunkie

Does the cost of the stuff he bought add up to the entirety of the money that was in the account? I find it odd that he would empty the account to get a bike and a few gadgets. I'd be more worried that it's a cover for a deeper spending/gambling habit?

leggo

Not much to add here, except have you seen the stuff OP? From what you said at the start to what he did, is there a possibility he got you an engagement ring for Christmas? Still a crazy move and worth evaluating, but it jarred with me how inconsiderate and sudden this was compared to how you described him initially and said you had no problems until this week.

tara73

looksee wrote: »

I have just re-read the op and I am struck by the fact that he is talking about marriage. I think, from his actions, he is looking for security.

this. I was wondering, what's behind this absolutely shocking and horrible act, somebody else wrote he might want to sabotage the upcoming marriage but I think this is even more true.

he's showing you (prob subconsciously), now the marriage thing is getting nearer, his real character and attitude and he wants to find out if you put up with it.

OP, I feel for you, only you can make the right decision for yourself but as so many others have said here, do you really want to put up yourself for a life with this man, not knowing what he will do next moneywise? even when you don't have a joint account anymore, if he spends all of his money in a whim to treat himself, how can you have a mortgage with this person, how can you have kids?
It's tough but you need to reconsider this relationship.

And to see the positive in the negative, you can be in a way thankful he showed this attitude now, before the marriage and not after.

Big Bag of Chips

Gambling was my first thought too. If he earns enough to live on then he should be comfortably able to live, pay off loans and save even a small amount. You're not his mother. You shouldn't have to mind him and clean up his mess after him.

Funny how first chance he got your back turned he more or less emptied the account. You're his meal ticket. His cash flow provider for when his is gone. He's now at the point where he's not even asking you to sub him, he's just taking it. I'd be having a long hard talk. I'd be looking for receipts and I'd be thinking something deeper than gadgets and a bike.

Gambling/drugs/money lenders?

Unless you get to the bottom of it, you have a lifetime of pain ahead of you.

Edit: I would suggest not giving him any extra cash in January. Obviously you will pay his share of the rent, food and bills because you'll have little choice, but I wouldn't be giving him money for nights out. Although you can be sure he'll find it somewhere! I'd wonder how many of his friends he owes money to too? My friends husband had a gambling problem. When it eventually came to a head she discovered he owed many of their friends, including me, hundreds. Always borrowed for some "surprise" or other he wanted to treat her to. My brother in law has a drug problem and owes thousands to family, friends and drug dealers!

Even if it's not drugs or gambling and he's just really bad with money, he has probably still borrowed various sums from your friends.

MissShihTzu

It might be gambling. It might even be (God forbid) drugs. But the OP has stated that her partner bought clothes, gadgets and a bike. Presumably, she has seen the items in question. I seriously doubt it's bling whether it be a ring or not! The partner sounds entirely too self-absorbed, immature and selfish to think of getting something nice for her...

Thinking about it, it might be possible that he did indeed buy these things and emptied the account in the process. I would follow BBOC's suggestion and also ask for receipts/statements showing where this money went. If the OP finds large cash withdrawals, then that's a big red flag it might be gambling or drugs, and I would asking VERY hard questions.

I see the OP has not returned to the thread as yet. I sincerely hope she hasn't been put off by the points raised, and will take them on board.

Emme

His attitude to the OP can be summed up as follows:

What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine:rolleyes:

OP do not put another cent into a joint account with him and if you want to save open your own account and don't let him know. His actions are disgraceful - if I were you I would be having serious thoughts about the relationship.

The Princess Bride

Westieanon wrote: »

Earlier this week, I came home from a week working abroad to find out that he had used up all of the savings in our joint.

To add to that, he admitted that his own account is now maxed out too. He has just enough to get him by for Christmas. It's highly likely that I will have to help support him financially until his January pay slip.

I don't know how to feel. He has apologized repeatedly. I can't comprehend how he could do this. I've lost hope that we will ever get a mortgage or pay for a wedding at this rate.

I feel that he has put a big damper on our Christmas and I am very uncertain about everything now. Am I blowing this out of proportion?

I can't comprehend it either.
Just how much did he spend here?

As for supporting him until his next pay cheque, you don't have to.

Life is about making choices.
He chose to blow the savings. You didn't.
You do have some serious choices to make now, however.

ongarboy

leggo wrote: »

Not much to add here, except have you seen the stuff OP? From what you said at the start to what he did, is there a possibility he got you an engagement ring for Christmas? Still a crazy move and worth evaluating, but it jarred with me how inconsiderate and sudden this was compared to how you described him initially and said you had no problems until this week.

If it was an engagement ring, I'd be furious with that too if all my savings from the last six months went on that without my permission while I deprived myself other things. I'd also be annoyed that a partner would get himself further into debt buying rings of that value even if it was his own money when he had so many outstanding loans. An engagement ring, no matter how romantic the gesture, is a luxury item that should not have money spent on it if that money isn't there or is his to begin with. A far more romantic gesture is love, trust, respect, honesty, consideration and communication. OP has received none of this judging by this guy's behaviour. Normally I look to salvage relationships if I'm asked for advice but this behaviour is not red flag territory, it's game over territory! Sorry OP, if he's capable of this now, what else will he do in the future? I'd be giving him marching orders here!

woodchuck

I know people have mentioned gambling etc, but if you've seen the things he's spent it on (you mentioned gadgets etc) it's possible that he's just extremely bad with money. However it's one thing being bad with your own money... it's another thing entirely being bad with money from a joint savings account!! You're not over reacting at all OP. I'd be having a serious talk with him about this. Tbh I'm not sure I'd trust him with a joint bank account...

leggo

ongarboy wrote: »

If it was an engagement ring, I'd be furious with that too if all my savings from the last six months went on that without my permission while I deprived myself other things. I'd also be annoyed that a partner would get himself further into debt buying rings of that value even if it was his own money when he had so many outstanding loans. An engagement ring, no matter how romantic the gesture, is a luxury item that should not have money spent on it if that money isn't there or is his to begin with. A far more romantic gesture is love, trust, respect, honesty, consideration and communication. OP has received none of this judging by this guy's behaviour. Normally I look to salvage relationships if I'm asked for advice but this behaviour is not red flag territory, it's game over territory! Sorry OP, if he's capable of this now, what else will he do in the future? I'd be giving him marching orders here!

I don't disagree, it's just her OP made him out to be a decent guy until this week with no track record of this kind of behaviour, and also someone who prioritised marriage over the mortgage. So this could be a kind of way of forcing her hand under the guise of a romantic gesture. Again, not excusable, but there's a difference between a guy blowing money on treats for himself and a guy messing up doing what he thinks is a good thing his partner will be happy with, so it's worth considering.

lawred2

leggo wrote: »

I don't disagree, it's just her OP made him out to be a decent guy until this week with no track record of this kind of behaviour, and also someone who prioritised marriage over the mortgage. So this could be a kind of way of forcing her hand under the guise of a romantic gesture. Again, not excusable, but there's a difference between a guy blowing money on treats for himself and a guy messing up doing what he thinks is a good thing his partner will be happy with, so it's worth considering.

No track record? He took himself off on a holiday with his mates using borrowed money.. Money that she effectively has to pay back

The lad's a gobshoite

MissShihTzu

OP - Over a large glass of wine, perhaps you should now be listing the goodies on Done Deal. That way your partner will know you're not mucking about...

thierry14

You don't want to be wasting time in your 30's OP

Especially as a female for obvious reasons.

Any man in a relationship, in his early 30's that takes out a loan for a lads holiday has issues.

It's just not normal behaviour.

LegacyUser

There's every chance that your OH just put the marriage card out there as a means to open a joint back account,& access your finances without actually having to commit to you in a real& tangible sense.
Stealing your hard-earned money to pay for frivolities is a massive breach of trust.
To add insult to injury, note that HE was the sole beneficiary. And he waited til you were working abroad to do the deed. The selfishness of it is actually breath-taking ; what exactly was he planning to give you for Christmas?!

Big Bag of Chips

Even if he's using all the gadgets and whatever else as a cover for an engagement ring, the good would be gone out of it for me. I'd almost consider that the plan was to "treat himself" and buy a ring as well so that you couldn't give out too much about what he bought for himself.

And he didn't treat himself. To treat himself he would have had to use his own money.

LegacyUser

I would be fuming if someone did this to me.

He is in his early 30's and is up to his neck in debit. He is telling you what he thinks you want to hear. By living with you he has you paying half the rent and bills. He has you their to sub him when he has to much month left at the end of his money.
He is acting like he is in his mid 20's with a lot of debit, bad spending habits and no savings. He already knows it will be hard for you and him to get a mortage.

He stole the money you saved. I would tell him he will pay you back this money as soon as possible - that means his new things for Christmas go on done deal. If he as other gadgets ect he can sell them also to pay you back. I would also tell him your not going to sub him money this Christmas.

I would tell him your relationship is over. He is immature, he lies and steals from you.
If you stay with him you setting yourself up for a hard life.
The reality is your in a position to save and your thinking of your future. He doing nothing to improve his own financial situation let alone thinking of where you and him will be in 2 or 5 years time.

I believe some times things happen for a reason. It is only later you realise that you had a lucky escape or are better off when certain plans did not work out.

Zenify

I think that this situation is so serious it deserves an ultimatum. This is just what I would do in your shoes.

Tell him I am moving out until I get paid back (not breaking up). Then you can see how serious he is about you. Does he decide himself to sell everything for you or does he send you a 10er a week.....

MouseTail

This guy is telling you who he is, and letting you know what sort of life you will have with him. You need to listen. There wont be a wake up call, moving in together, planning your future, getting prepped for a mortgage, none of that woke him up. A ring or a baby wont either.

Is the good side of him enough to compensate for you being the financial controller, the driver and the planner in your relationship, the 'spoilsport', whilst he gets to be in his early 20s forever? Only you can answer that, for me, it would be too unequal and damaging, but different strokes....

WinnyThePoo

He went into the shops knowing full well what the money was for. It baffles me he would spend this money and also not think he would get caught. Self sabotage.

happypants

I'd run for the hills if I were you. If he could secretly streal your money and treat himself like that on a whim it shows what he thinks of you. Personally I think setting up and planning a future with this guy is signing up for a life of uncertaintiy and hardship. What if you had a mortgage and kids and an emergency popped up? you wouldn't have financial means to deal with it. He can't be trusted to not spend behind your back, he sounds like a childish moron. I'd get rid but not before working out how much he owes you. Let him move back to his parents they can support him for January.

sellasheep

OP - This would be the ultimate deal breaker for me. No matter how much you love him, this is a HUGE red flag. What if he does it again when you're married with a mortgage and kids? I've very definitely ending it right now after that.

LegacyUser

afkasurfjunkie wrote: »

Does the cost of the stuff he bought add up to the entirety of the money that was in the account? I find it odd that he would empty the account to get a bike and a few gadgets. I'd be more worried that it's a cover for a deeper spending/gambling habit?

Coming from a family where my parent was a secret gambler for years and it only recently came to our attention when they lost our family home, this is what came to my mind as well. Now I could be totally off track here but if I were you OP, on top of all the other advice already on the thread, I would be sitting down with the joint account bank statements and looking very closely at exactly where all the money has gone. I would be concerned if there are lots of cash withdrawals that he has no explanation for as the may be going to the bookies. Again sorry if I'm coming across as dramatic but you wouldn't believe the lengths a gambling addict goes to to cover their tracks.

Big Bag of Chips

User46893 wrote: »

you wouldn't believe the lengths a gambling addict goes to to cover their tracks.

This is very true. I know another poster mentioned that you'd probably have noticed and if there were no problems before and you were getting along great that it mightn't be the case.

Ive posted before about my friend who is married to a gambler. Constantly in the bookies. He worked close to their house and always collected the post from the postman. She never saw a bill, or a bank statement. One day the postman got to her before him and she opened an "overdue" heating oil bill. She knew she had given him cash on different days to pay it off so couldn't figure out why it was overdue. "It was a mistake". He'd get on to them and sort it out. That was the start of her noticing small things that she never took much notice of before. She was going out with him since she was 16, and every day he'd be in the bookies. Every day. She knew he had a telephone account so he'd ring in if he couldn't physically get in. Yet, when she started finding money missing, and bills overdue, she didn't even consider gambling. She thought drugs, she even thought prostitutes. I suggested gambling and she said no, sure it was only a fiver here and there. I was telling my husband about it, and first thing he said was "bookies". So as far as she was concerned everything was fine. They were getting along great. She had no suspicions about him or worries about their relationship. She eventually found out that he had 2 separate loans and a credit card to the limit that she knew nothing about it.

So just because everything might seem ok, doesn't mean it always is.