How close are you with your 'male friends'?

jeanjolie

I'm a young guy and I was wondering; you always hear about these relationships where a gay man or non sexual man has an incredibly close relationship with a small group of women. All discussions that most women would exclusively share with other women without experiencing embarrassment are shared with this guy. Nudity, intimacy, and sharing beds is also okay

The thing is, how common is this in real life? I don't know too many men who would have a particularly close relationship with an opposite sex friend, then again I don't know any men who share that level of closeness outside a romantic relationship with a male or female friend.

Do you have such a relationship or are there obvious boundaries even when single?

You don't have to be either a gay or non-sexual man to have a platonic relationship with a female friend. My best friend is male - he's also my cousin though so that makes a difference - but I've other male friends. Sometimes you'd find a girlfriend or boyfriend has a problem with a platonic opposite sex friendship, but it's usually their own insecurity at play there.

A big red flag would be a guy having a problem with male friends, I'd expect them to be the possessive and/or suspicious types if they can't get their heads around an opposite sex friendship.

Powerhouse

Candie wrote: »

A big red flag would be a guy having a problem with male friends, I'd expect them to be the possessive and/or suspicious types if they can't get their heads around an opposite sex friendship.

To be honest if it didn't bother them at all you'd have a different set of problems. Apathy is as damning an emotion as any.

Parchment

My closest platonic friends are male. My boyfriend knew that when he got into a relationship with me and he has accepted it. He has met them all - and their girlfriends. He gets on well with them too!

I go to things alone with my male friends (like gigs etc) - they have always been platonic friends, since my early teens and there has never been any attraction between us. I consider them my best friends.

I think it can be tough for an insecure partner of either sex - i know some of my male friends girlfriends found it hard to accept that they had a very long standing close female friend but the way my male friends and I see it is that we have all been friends for years and we wont be changing that.

I wouldnt share a bed with my male friends - that would be weird! I do stay at their places when visiting but their girlfriends are always there. I guess they are like my brothers.

I would talk to them about most things - just like i would female friends. I was always a tomboy when i was younger and naturally gravitated to male friends - even in primary school most of my friends were boys. It never changed - i just get on better with men.

I think its sad that many people cant imagine close platonic friendships between men and women.

jeanjolie

Parchment wrote: »

My closest platonic friends are male. My boyfriend knew that when he got into a relationship with me and he has accepted it. He has met them all - and their girlfriends. He gets on well with them too!

I go to things alone with my male friends (like gigs etc) - they have always been platonic friends, since my early teens and there has never been any attraction between us. I consider them my best friends.

I think it can be tough for an insecure partner of either sex - i know some of my male friends girlfriends found it hard to accept that they had a very long standing close female friend but the way my male friends and I see it is that we have all been friends for years and we wont be changing that.

I wouldnt share a bed with my male friends - that would be weird! I do stay at their places when visiting but their girlfriends are always there. I guess they are like my brothers.

I would talk to them about most things - just like i would female friends. I was always a tomboy when i was younger and naturally gravitated to male friends - even in primary school most of my friends were boys. It never changed - i just get on better with men.

I think its sad that many people cant imagine close platonic friendships between men and women.

Just curious, why do you feel it's weird sharing a bed? Would you feel the same being with a girl?

Powerhouse

Parchment wrote: »

I wouldnt share a bed with my male friends - that would be weird!

I do stay at their places when visiting but their girlfriends are always there.
I guess they are like my brothers.

If the relationship is bulletproof platonic and no different to a relationship with a girl then why not share a bed? Not doing so implies a distinction.

And your second comment.................like your brothers? Would you only stay at your brother's place if his girlfriend was there too?

Powerhouse

Parchment wrote: »

It just wouldnt be something we would do. As stated below - i have a boyfriend and that would be a bit much for him to accept. Its not something i need to do anyway in the course of my relationship with my friends.

My brother is gay - but i think you seem to be trying to pick holes in the fact that i have male friends. They are like my brothers but they are not my brothers. We have very close friendships but i dont totally abandon respect and regard for my boyfriend just because my long term friends are male.



Because i have a boyfriend and that would be too far for anyone to be cool with.
I have shared beds with female friends in the past - in uni etc but since we became "adults" it has never arisen, staying in hotels etc.

It's just that you wrote earlier "I think its sad that many people cant imagine close platonic friendships between men and women" which implies that there is no distinction between a friendship between two women and a man and a woman, and that it's a bit sad that anyone would think otherwise.

Your comments do suggest a distinction - otherwise you'd see nothing wrong with sharing a bed with a male friend as they are just another friend who happens to be male. I happen to agree with that, just that I find it odd that one the one hand someone would argue that there's really no difference yet in the next post contradict that. There are distinctions and there's no harm in people admitting that. Boyfriends and girlfriends who have issues with particular platonic friendships are simply taking your view to a practical level.

As for your brother being gay..............I'm not sure what that has to do with anything? I'd have assumed your relationship with him and your ability to stay in his house would not be changed by that. He is your brother after all. I'd hardly expect sexual tension diffused only by that fact that he's gay.

baby and crumble

I always find these threads weird because I have male and female friends and there is genuinely zero attraction between us. Obviously the guy thing isn't an issue for me because I'm gay but if I were to follow the logic that some in this thread have then I wouldn't be able to have female friends. I do, and I would share a bed with them if needed. I have done, fairly recently. Ok, mostly they are straight but not always, and the thing about it is we are adults and we respect boundaries.

My gf has no issue with me having the friends I have an vice versa. FFS she's bisexual, what am I meant to do, ban her from having any friends whatsoever? I'd have to, going by what some folks seem to think! :pac:

Parchment

Powerhouse wrote: »

It's just that you wrote earlier "I think its sad that many people cant imagine close platonic friendships between men and women" which implies that there is no distinction between a friendship between two women and a man and a woman, and that it's a bit sad that anyone would think otherwise.

Your comments do suggest a distinction - otherwise you'd see nothing wrong with sharing a bed with a male friend as they are just another friend who happens to be male. I happen to agree with that, just that I find it odd that one the one hand someone would argue that there's really no difference yet in the next post contradict that. There are distinctions and there's no harm in people admitting that. Boyfriends and girlfriends who have issues with particular platonic friendships are simply taking your view to a practical level.

As for your brother being gay..............I'm not sure what that has to do with anything? I'd have assumed your relationship with him and your ability to stay in his house would not be changed by that. He is your brother after all. I'd hardly expect sexual tension diffused only by that fact that he's gay.

I said my brother is gay as you asked would i only stay at his house if his girlfriend was there.

You seem heavily invested in my opinion in this matter.

eviltwin

My two closest friends are male. I see them as brothers, both are good looking blokes but the thought of intimacy with them makes me feel a bit ill. One is in a relationship and devoted to his girlfriend, the other is gay. One of close female friends thinks it's odd but she's a very girly girl so tends to keep men at a distance. My husband has no problem with it just as I have no problem with his female friends. I'd be very wary of a partner who saw opposite sex friends as a problem or felt that there was some sexual motive involved.

panda100

I would have a couple of very close male friends. I don't treat them or see them as any different to my female friends. Personally i wouldnt share a bed with any of my female friends and so wouldn't with any of my male friends either.

Powerhouse

Powerhouse wrote: »

To be honest if it didn't bother them at all you'd have a different set of problems. Apathy is as damning an emotion as any.

Not bothering them =/= apathy. Strange way to interpret it.

Security is a wonderful thing. If you have it, you're not threatened by the gender of your partners friends and can get on with enjoying life without the stress of jealousy or possessive paranoia that plagues the insecure.

meeeeh

I shared bed with three or four of my male friends (on separate occasions), sometimes topless because I can't sleep wearing bra and nothing ever happened. That being said I only did it when we were all single. We might know there was nothing going on but someone close to us who wasn't present could be hurt.

I went to mixed schools and always had mixed groups of friends. That was in my home country, I find nowadays because I am in serious relationship, bruiser and socialising less that I am making less friendships and they are with women.

Powerhouse

[QUOTE=Parchment;101952350

You seem heavily invested in my opinion in this matter.[/QUOTE]


I replied to you twice - hardly my idea of "heavily invested".

Powerhouse

Candie wrote: »

Security is a wonderful thing. If you have it, you're not threatened by the gender of your partners friends and can get on with enjoying life without the stress of jealousy or possessive paranoia that plagues the insecure.

I think using words like "security", "threatened", "stress of jealousy", and most remarkably of all "possessive paranoia" is way over the top. Not everyone thinks their partner getting the kit off, or at least half off, and sharing a bed with a member of the opposite sex is totally without significance. It's a different view of the world that's all. People have different ideas and the phrases/words you use are far more extreme than would fairly represent the majority I would say.

It's a complex business. I've seen women down the years who enjoy male attention via the whole platonic thing (and clap themselves on the back for being so open-minded), but then are less than enthusiastic if their male partner has (especially an attractive) female friend always on the scene. Not sure someone can credibly have it both ways but still I wouldn't dream of using such OTT language to describe them. I've known plenty of people who have not always earned the right to be fully trusted either, whether it's the really wonderful good-looking platonic friend or the partner. More tolerance for varying views is a wonderful thing too.

Powerhouse

Powerhouse wrote: »

I think using words like "security", "threatened", "stress of jealousy", and most remarkably of all "possessive paranoia" is way over the top. Not everyone thinks their partner getting the kit off, or at least half off, and sharing a bed with a member of the opposite sex is totally without significance. It's a different view of the world that's all. People have different ideas and the phrases/words you use are far more extreme than would fairly represent the majority I would say.

It's a complex business. I've seen women down the years who enjoy male attention via the whole platonic thing (and clap themselves on the back for being so open-minded), but then are less than enthusiastic if their male partner has (especially an attractive) female friend always on the scene. Not sure someone can credibly have it both ways but still I wouldn't dream of using such OTT language to describe them. I've known plenty of people who have not always earned the right to be fully trusted either, whether it's the really wonderful good-looking platonic friend or the partner. More tolerance for varying views is a wonderful thing too.

I never said anything about sleeping with friends, half naked or otherwise, so I've no idea why you're talking about that to me. I don't do it, it's a personal thing I do with the OH and I don't sleep with either male or female friends. Anyone who has a problem with opposite gender friends hanging out, not naked, in a platonic way - it doesn't scream confidence or security does it?

You can come from a place of suspicion, but most people wait until it's earned. I give my partner no cause for suspicion, which is a totally different thing from apathy. Perhaps you should think about tolerance yourself, and trust or not trust people on a case by case basis instead of applying one persons behaviour to another.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Very close, to the point where I wouldn't even put quotation marks around the friendship!

One's an ex, one's my partner's brother, one's my sister's ex, the other few are friends from my school/college days.
They're all platonic relationships, which is not to say that they're exactly the same as my friendships with women; even within the group of close male friends, there are differences between the relationships.

My partner has a few close friends who are women as well, honestly I take that as a very good sign in a man (or maybe a sign that we're going to be compatible). Wouldn't cross my mind to be annoyed if he went out drinking with them or stayed at their house. He's never given me a single reason to not trust him.

gossamer

I think it's important to point out that the reason people are suspicious of close, cross-sex friendships is because a lot of people have been burned in the past. I can't be the only one and I know for certain I'm not.

There are plenty who hide behind the "male/ female best friend" title when they're secretly (or not so secretly as the case may be) in love or infatuated with their friend and just holding out for the other party to crack. On the opposite side of that there's the best friend who won't go out with the person yet doesn't want anyone else to have him/ her so will meddle in their relationship and cause a huge amount of hassle for everyone involved. And of course, there are people out there who gather "friends" who they know are attracted to them and use them as an ego boost of sorts or a fallback when they're single or even just down in the dumps. It's sh1tty behaviour, but it does happen. You don't necessarily have to be bad person either, I know plenty of decent people who do this. Possibly more common in teens and twenties and lessens off from thirties onwards though.

Certainly people can have close friendships with a man or woman (I do myself) and I would never rubbish that, but I can understand why people are wary. Boundaries should be established, it's not always fair to pin someone as insecure and jealous if something doesn't sit right with them.

meeeeh

I think it depends a bit. I grew up with most of my male friends. The last time I remember having a crush on one of them was in third grade. I shudder at thought of having sexual relationship with any of them, to me it feels almost like incest.

Edit: I have friendly relationship with a lot of men, I get on with co workers, schoolmates, students but I wouldn't exactly count them as friends and relationships are more complex.

neonsofa

I wouldn't distinguish between my male and female friends I don't think. I have some close female friends and some close male ones. Individually we all have our own relationships and different dynamics.

I wouldn't share a bed with female friends or male ones. I just like my personal space and never had a need to share a bed. I would change in front of some friends and not in front of others, gender doesn't really come into it, more how comfortable I feel with the person.
As far as how partners may feel, if they would have an issue with me doing something that could be considered by some as intimate or a partner only thing, let's say sleeping in the same bed for example, I would respect their feelings on it and not do it. It's not as if it is compulsory in most situations. If a partner had an issue with my friendships generally and doing normal everyday things with men that most wouldn't mind, then it would be a problem because that's ridiculous.

Some of my most meaningful friendships have been with men and some have been with women and they are both equally as lovely in their own way and it all comes down to the person not their gender.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

gossamer wrote: »

I think it's important to point out that the reason people are suspicious of close, cross-sex friendships is because a lot of people have been burned in the past. I can't be the only one and I know for certain I'm not.

There are plenty who hide behind the "male/ female best friend" title when they're secretly (or not so secretly as the case may be) in love or infatuated with their friend and just holding out for the other party to crack. On the opposite side of that there's the best friend who won't go out with the person yet doesn't want anyone else to have him/ her so will meddle in their relationship and cause a huge amount of hassle for everyone involved. And of course, there are people out there who gather "friends" who they know are attracted to them and use them as an ego boost of sorts or a fallback when they're single or even just down in the dumps. It's sh1tty behaviour, but it does happen. You don't necessarily have to be bad person either, I know plenty of decent people who do this. Possibly more common in teens and twenties and lessens off from thirties onwards though.

Certainly people can have close friendships with a man or woman (I do myself) and I would never rubbish that, but I can understand why people are wary. Boundaries should be established, it's not always fair to pin someone as insecure and jealous if something doesn't sit right with them.

Sometimes it's not even that I think, it's just that someone can't relate and so can't understand the friendship, some people are lads' lads or girls' girls and there's nothing really wrong with that, it's just going to make compatibility with someone who tends more towards mixed friendships a bit difficult.

meeeeh wrote: »

I think it depends a bit. I grew up with most of my male friends. The last time I remember having a crush on one of them was in third grade. I shudder at thought of having sexual relationship with any of them, to me it feels almost like incest.

Same. My oldest male friend I've known since before starting school, very much in brother territory. He's a handsome guy and I have women ask me about him pretty often but no no no no, couldn't.

I was somewhat lucky in growing up in my early teen years with a group of friends of both sexes who were rather casual about nudity and cuddles. Often at the same time. I think I took a lot of that into my grown up life and one result of this is that I do not sexualise nudity as readily as some people.

Myself and my girlfriends now do have what we jokingly refer to as an "inner circle" of our social group with whom similarly we are ok with each other sharing nudity and cuddles and bed space and the like. Even some level of kissing. Before "promotion" into this circle by one of us - the others approve it. So we are not simply hopping naked into bed with anyone we feel like - but only with those that the rest of us are all entirely comfortable with the idea of and have pre-approved.

This is not a large circle of people at all - and the youngest of my gfs has brought only 2 people into it because nudity for her is something she is only capable of with the highest degree of trust and closeness to another person. Myself and my other girlfriend have brought slightly more into it than that.

I think the impression I get often from threads like this one is many people are ok with it - but very often they say there is no sexual attraction - or that they would not do it at all if there was. For us I think sometimes there is sexual attraction - we simply do not act on it but merely enjoy the existence of it.

Some people perhaps can probably not imagine intimacy mixed with sexual attraction without satiating or exploring it. For us it is different I guess - as that attraction instead of being channeled into sexual exploration and expression - is instead channeled into the feelings of trust closeness intimacy and affection.

The girls outside my relationship I share that level of intimacy and closeness and openness with therefore - any sexual attraction I feel for any of them simply feeds into my affection for them and the depth of my devotion to them as friends. And the experience of sharing that intimacy but knowing we would never act on it - serves to feed into how much I trust them, and they me. It takes a lot of trust from _all_ concerned to maintain a relationship at that level of intimacy - and each time we do and that trust is validated - it is worth more than any number of trivial sexual encounters would be were we to otherwise explore those desires.

gossamer

Kyleigh Hissing Yam wrote: »

Sometimes it's not even that I think, it's just that someone can't relate and so can't understand the friendship, some people are lads' lads or girls' girls and there's nothing really wrong with that, it's just going to make compatibility with someone who tends more towards mixed friendships a bit difficult.

I understand where you're coming from but as someone who has always had a mixed group of friends (pretty much 50:50, split down the middle), I am still wary of these friendships. When I'm going out with someone, I'll meet their friends and will generally be able to gauge what's what. Most of the time it's above board and you befriend them yourself. But there are times when it's quite apparent the best friend has some level of interest and you're enemy number 1. It's something I back way off from tbh, because I couldn't be arsed with the drama.

I'll also add, I hear a lot of women refer to their male best friend as like their brother, but very rarely hear men refer to them as like a sister. I would hear more lads complain about some bullsh1t like the friendzone. The reality doesn't always add up to what you think or want to believe. Again I'm not judging anyone's situation, everyone know's their own life and friend's best. But it's just what I observe from time to time.

Powerhouse

Candie wrote: »

1) I never said anything about sleeping with friends, half naked or otherwise, so I've no idea why you're talking about that to me?

2) You can come from a place of suspicion,

.

1) Never said you did but if you'd been following the thread you'd have seen someone else did mention that.

2) No need to personalise it. I'm not coming from any place of suspicion. I've been married for 20 years and am long past the stage of crashing in other people's places so none if this arises. My only concern here is the opinion of some that what they think is the only view that could possibly prevail and that everyone else is a paranoid maniac. I've seen enough people in action over the years to know that there are many people in the world with good reason to be a bit dubious about their partners. I know an acquaintance who was accused of paranoia many years ago after he found a host of phone numbers his girlfriend had as she headed off on holidays with a few of his own male friends. In reality she is notorious and he had/has countless reasons to be suspicious. But he was dismissed as a paranoiac at the time. Not every person is a model of restraint or almost asexual around friends of the opposite sex as some of the contributors here - I certainly wasn't when I was single. Maybe just maybe we might allow just a tad for that possibility before dismissing everyone who doesn't think exactly like us?

meeeeh

Powerhouse wrote: »

1) Not every person is a model of restraint or almost asexual around friends of the opposite sex as some of the contributors here - I certainly wasn't when I was single. Maybe just maybe we might allow just a tad for that possibility before dismissing everyone who doesn't think exactly like us?

Maybe it's just me but there is a thinge of disapproval in your posts. It has nothing to do with being asexual, some of us just don't feel the need to sleep with people who we are not attracted to.

I am also starting to wonder is there a cultural or age difference because I've been to countless drunken parties in log cabins, holiday homes, student houses where you slept wherever you could find some space. Preferably away from those who are prone to throwing up. I'm not saying sex didn't happen but it was usually limited to people who you could avoid for the rest of the year not someone you were meeting for a coffee next afternoon.

eviltwin

There's also a thing called self control. I've had friends over the years I fancied but I knew where the boundaries lay and wouldn't disregard my relationship or theirs or the fact they just didn't see me that way. You can still have a good platonic friendship.

Powerhouse

meeeeh wrote: »

I am also starting to wonder is there a cultural or age difference because I've been to countless drunken parties in log cabins, holiday homes, student houses where you slept wherever you could find some space.

That'd be it. Sure in my day we had a 6pm curfew.

meeeeh

Powerhouse wrote: »

That'd be it. Sure in my day we had a 6pm curfew.

Why the snarky reply? I was not born or grew up in Ireland. I always went to gender mixed schools. Because of nicer weather a lot of parties would be someone on the beach, in holiday homes, log cabins in winter. Most would have shared accommodation, often one double bed and couple of single beds. Depending how many people were there we would crash wherever without too much attention to gender. I was wondering if that kind of arrangements are not acceptable to younger generations now.

You don't like my behavior, I could see that from previous little digs. That is fine, I am certainly not living my life in the way to please everyone but don't insinuate something I didn't say. Btw I am 38 and certainly not a young one and was wondering if younger generations make different partying arrangements.

Powerhouse

meeeeh wrote: »

Why the snarky reply? I was not born or grew up in Ireland. I always went to gender mixed schools. Because of nicer weather a lot of parties would be someone on the beach, in holiday homes, log cabins in winter. Most would have shared accommodation, often one double bed and couple of single beds. Depending how many people were there we would crash wherever without too much attention to gender. I was wondering if that kind of arrangements are not acceptable to younger generations now.

You don't like my behavior, I could see that from previous little digs. That is fine, I am certainly not living my life in the way to please everyone but don't insinuate something I didn't say. Btw I am 38 and certainly not a young one and was wondering if younger generations make different partying arrangements.

Maybe we need to lighten up a little. I have no idea what log cabins or beaches have to do with anything. People can get laid, or snuggle up platonically, pretty much anywhere if they are so inclined. Living in the world of a Beach Boys' song doesn't really change the parameters. There's no great cultural gap I can assure you. Apparently there isn't much of an age gap either. Not sure why you had to imply either.

As for your "behaviour" - what behaviour? Who are you? Madame Sin? I can't comment too much on your behaviour as I know nothing of it and, with respect, care less. All I have remarked upon are dismissive attitudes towards different opinions as if some people just don't get it. People have different views because of different experiences that's all. In my case I had plenty of apparently platonic friends but almost never had one where I would not have been happy to push boundaries and I think they often enjoyed that attention. Happily they were never the kind where the thought of physical engagement would make me sick like some others have said here! Odd really that my platonic friends were always easy on the eye! In fact, I rarely saw any guy around who wasn't sniffing to some extent. When I met my wife too she too had a few doe-eyed platonic friends hanging around too who suddenly, to my surprise - not, became less conspicuous when she was involved with someone. That was the way it was in my milieu. Unlike some others I am not implying it's the only life is, or that it makes me superior but there are plenty of other people around for whom boundaries are blurred.

Not sure how any of this is disapproving of you or anyone else but so be it.

Powerhouse

gossamer wrote: »

I think it's important to point out that the reason people are suspicious of close, cross-sex friendships is because a lot of people have been burned in the past. I can't be the only one and I know for certain I'm not.

There are plenty who hide behind the "male/ female best friend" title when they're secretly (or not so secretly as the case may be) in love or infatuated with their friend and just holding out for the other party to crack. On the opposite side of that there's the best friend who won't go out with the person yet doesn't want anyone else to have him/ her so will meddle in their relationship and cause a huge amount of hassle for everyone involved. And of course, there are people out there who gather "friends" who they know are attracted to them and use them as an ego boost of sorts or a fallback when they're single or even just down in the dumps. It's sh1tty behaviour, but it does happen. You don't necessarily have to be bad person either, I know plenty of decent people who do this. Possibly more common in teens and twenties and lessens off from thirties onwards though.

Certainly people can have close friendships with a man or woman (I do myself) and I would never rubbish that, but I can understand why people are wary. Boundaries should be established, it's not always fair to pin someone as insecure and jealous if something doesn't sit right with them.

This is hugely reflective of my experience down the years. A good post in all the points it makes, And it is a view entitled to be heard.

meeeeh

I have no interest discussing things any further with you except to say that I don't befriend only those who are pleasing on the eye.

neonsofa

meeeeh wrote: »

I have no interest discussing things any further with you except to say that I don't befriend only those who are pleasing on the eye.

Also, I have some really objectively attractive friends- proper turn and look twice beautiful men and women- and still never in a million years would I actually be attracted to them myself. And some of my friends have given me the "you're an attractive woman" pep talk after a break up or whatever, and yet they know how irritating I can be and would not want to be involved romantically with me. Friendship generally brings comfort and familiarity, especially very close friendships, and that means seeing them at their "worst", and that is sometimes not all that hot, despite their banging body or pretty face. You can adore and love someone for who they are, flaws and all, without wanting to be in a relationship with them or seeing them in a sexual way.
And quite frankly it's a little insulting when people reduce a meaningful friendship down to a case of someone being "friend zoned" or someone getting a kick out of the other person harbouring feelings for them or something, purely based on the fact that they are opposite genders.

Or being suspicious that platonic friendship is a cover for cheating, or wanting to cheat, because someone they knew cheated with a 'friend'.

Not all friendships involve snuggles, let alone naked ones. It's understandable to be wary of your partner naked in bed with someone else, but most friendships involve much greater boundaries so that they remain respectful of partners etc.

gossamer

neonsofa wrote: »

And quite frankly it's a little insulting when people reduce a meaningful friendship down to a case of someone being "friend zoned" or someone getting a kick out of the other person harbouring feelings for them or something, purely based on the fact that they are opposite genders.

You're taking it too personally, it's just an opinion which happens to differ from your own. That doesn't make it right or wrong, but you certainly don't have to be insulted by it.

meeeeh

gossamer wrote: »

You're taking it too personally, it's just an opinion which happens to differ from your own. That doesn't make it right or wrong, but you certainly don't have to be insulted by it.

But it's not just an opinion, it's someone else telling you that what you think is a friendship is really just people wanting to sleep with each other. It's people who can't state 'I am not capable to have friendship with opposite sex (or same sex if gay) without being attracted to them' and instead claim:'nobody is able to have platonic friendship with opposite sex without ulterior motive'.

gossamer

meeeeh wrote: »

But it's not just an opinion, it's someone else telling you that what you think is a friendship is really just people wanting to sleep with each other. It's people who can't state 'I am not capable to have friendship with opposite sex (or same sex if gay) without being attracted to them' and instead claim:'nobody is able to have platonic friendship with opposite sex without ulterior motive'.

The only reason I replied to that poster was because I assumed she was referring to my post when she mentioned the friendzone, as I had referenced in my own post. I know myself men and women can be close friends (I've said this), but I also acknowledge that there can be blurred lines in some of those friendships too, not all, some. Just because posters on this thread won't accept that stance doesn't mean I'm insulted by it even though it's reflective of some of my own experiences. I see it as just your opinion, which you're entitled to. Nobody is telling you what to think, I'm certainly not. If you want to engage someone in a back and forth of what's right or wrong then that's off your own bat.

neonsofa

gossamer wrote: »

You're taking it too personally, it's just an opinion which happens to differ from your own. That doesn't make it right or wrong, but you certainly don't have to be insulted by it.

Finding something insulting is not the same as me taking something as a personal insult. Imo it is rude and insulting to assume things about peoples relationships based purely on the gender of the people involved. It doesn't mean I actually take what you think personally.

gossamer

neonsofa wrote: »

Finding something insulting is not the same as me taking something as a personal insult. Imo it is rude and insulting to assume things about peoples relationships based purely on the gender of the people involved. It doesn't mean I actually take what you think personally.

Fair enough.

Permabear

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Permabear

Permabear wrote: »

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Oh it wasn't me who brought it up, but it seems to be the standard by which all platonic friendships were being judged.

Sleeping naked is for lovers, not friends. It doesn't mean the friendship isn't trustworthy, it's just a boundary.

Permabear

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beks101

I'd probably be more likely to have the heart-to-hearts with my female friends or my boyfriend, than my male friends. It's just how it is. Tend to talk more about things, work and world affairs and politics and plans etc, with the lads. Personal stuff with the girls.

The sharing-a-bed thing I've never gotten. I'd never do that with any of my friends regardless of gender. Boundaries are important and I'd never do something that would make my boyfriend uncomfortable because it's not fair or right to me. It's got nothing to do with insecurities or trust issues - I just don't share a bed with anyone other than my OH.

I think you can acknowledge that your friends are attractive and even experience a bit of an attraction towards them, without it overtaking the friendship and becoming "more" too. Some of the lads have said to me in recent years "oh yeah I used to fancy you rotten" and likewise, there's one or two of them that I always thought, if we had enough drink in us.... but it never happened because ultimately the friendship was more important and we've all got partners/fiancees now anyway. I think that can be the reality when you're close to someone of the opposite (or same) sex. There can be that "what if" thing, that sort of tension. For me and the lads, it was never more than a passing thought, and I'm glad none of us ever hooked up as I'm sure it would have changed the friendship to the point where they wouldn't be in my lives in the same way now if we had.

HalloweenJack

I have several close friends who are girls and my GF similarly has some close friends who are guys, including one who's an ex.

I don't have any problems with her friendships. I know the way my GF is and I trust her. I also see the way her male friends interact with her and they don't give me any cause for concern. Tbh, if I got the impression from one of them that he wanted to get with my GF, I think I would have a problem but at the same time, I've seen my GF turn down guys before so I'm also certain she'd be able to handle it herself.

I have one friend who my GF is a bit sceptical of. She seems to think that this friend is secretly in love with me but she hasn't told me to not hang around with her or anything like that and I doubt she would.

In general, I think it's healthy to have friends of the opposite sex, though I'll be honest the friendship the OP describes is a bit confusing:

All discussions that most women would exclusively share with other women without experiencing embarrassment are shared with this guy. Nudity, intimacy, and sharing beds is also okay

I don't have any friendships, male or female, like this. The only person I'd have anything even close to it is with my GF.

quadrifoglio verde

jeanjolie wrote: »

I'm a young guy and I was wondering; you always hear about these relationships where a gay man or non sexual man has an incredibly close relationship with a small group of women. All discussions that most women would exclusively share with other women without experiencing embarrassment are shared with this guy. Nudity, intimacy, and sharing beds is also okay

The thing is, how common is this in real life? I don't know too many men who would have a particularly close relationship with an opposite sex friend, then again I don't know any men who share that level of closeness outside a romantic relationship with a male or female friend.

Do you have such a relationship or are there obvious boundaries even when single?

I have quite a close friendship with 2 or 3 women from college. I am neither gay or asexual. Girlfriends learn to deal with it or if they're that insecure they can be off. I'd never give up a great friendship for a relationship and neither would I expect her to do the same.

They're my friends, if I was interested in riding them I would have already

I wouldn't go naked in front of them, but a towel is fine. And vica versa
As for sharing a bed, I'd only share a bed with the gf.
Unless we were both broke or something. A Room is fine though.

Mr Arrior

Over the last few years I've was in a college course and then a job where I was surrounded by 95% women and I did get on really well and made some good friends but I always felt that they wouldnt let me in as much as they did there female friends which makes sense I suppose.

TanFlash

The idea that a woman/man would have a "best/close friend" of the opposite sex is crazy. I wouldn't do it myself and wouldn't put up with it either

LegacyUser

TanFlash wrote: »

The idea that a woman/man would have a "best/close friend" of the opposite sex is crazy. I wouldn't do it myself and wouldn't put up with it either

Well sucks to be you so as your missing out. People are people and you can be friends with lots of different types of people. I've quite a few male friends (though I just think of them as my friends and don't group them) My best friend is a guy I went to college with. We have similar opinions and views on the world and work in similar fields. I was there when he met his now wife and would count her as one of my best friends now as well (I was best "man" at their wedding) We have a group of friends who all went to college together and it's a pretty even mix of male and female - some are single and some are dating/married but in all cases their partners have become part of our group as well. We are all friends that support each other and are there for each other. I honestly don't know how I'd have got through my dads funeral without them and one guy has just found his mother has a terminal illness so we are all making the effort to help and support him anyway we can because we are friends and that's what friends do regardless of gender. I feel sorry for people who would miss out on a support network like I have because of some outdated views on gender and relationships.

HalloweenJack

Why exactly?

meeeeh

HalloweenJack wrote: »

Why exactly?

Because loads of reaction will stroke her/his ego.

TanFlash

HalloweenJack wrote:

Why exactly?

Wouldn't be the partner for me, maybe for someone else. Total turn off

TanFlash

TanFlash wrote: »

Wouldn't be the partner for me, maybe for someone else. Total turn off

And if it is not for you - it is not for you. Nothing wrong with that. But you actively described the idea as "crazy" too. You know something simply not being for you - does not mean that the thing itself is "crazy" right?

I know I certainly would not want to be in a relationship that curtailed who or what my friends could be - especially my closest friends. And I would not want to curtail that in the people I am in a relationship with either.

I have my closest friends - male and female - and they have their closest friends - male and female. And we are all very happy indeed. And no one - and nothing about it - is "crazy".