'He's weird. like he's nice but too nice'

Mr Arrior

This was a comment that a woman said about me and I'm not gonna lie has hurt me a bit especially cos the form hasn't been great recently.
Said woman is someone I used to work with in a hotel and would see her now and again.
Now I am friendly, many of my friends have said the first thing they see when the meet me is my big smile. I always try to be nice to anyone I meet and say hello and accompany that with a smile

I've found this out as a female friend of mine was chatting to said woman about me. My friend told me and I'm glad she did as its nice to know the people that don't have much time for you.
I wouldn't mind if she said I was too nice but to call me weird seems way over the top.
It has just hit me when I'm already a little down and I know it may seem like something stupid but just hurts when I think about it.
Im in my early twenties and I'm not sure if its a negative to be very nice at this age but I always thought it was the right thing to do. It seriously has me thinking that I should change but deep down I dont want to do that.

Big Bag of Chips

It all depends on how natural you are coming across. You say you always try to be nice and you thought it was the right thing to do which does make it sound like you do actually try to be nice, rather than just being yourself who is probably a naturally nice fella, anyway.

You're early 20s, you're still very young and maybe you are trying to impress people? It's easy to not be too confident in yourself at that age and to try to be a person that you think other people will like. Just take a step back and see if you are being yourself.

On the other hand yer wan could just be a wagon who has an opinion on everyone who she thinks isn't worthy of her attention! There's a few of them around too.

Sleeper12

Mr Arrior wrote:

I've found this out as a female friend of mine was chatting to said woman about me. My friend told me and I'm glad she did as its nice to know the people that don't have much time for you. I wouldn't mind if she said I was too nice but to call me weird seems way over the top. It has just hit me when I'm already a little down and I know it may seem like something stupid but just hurts when I think about it. Im in my early twenties and I'm not sure if its a negative to be very nice at this age but I always thought it was the right thing to do. It seriously has me thinking that I should change but deep down I dont want to do that.

Someone that seems weird to me won't seem weird to some other people. We're all different. You won't please everyone, nor should you try. Try not get hung up on one person's option. Life is too short. I'm pushing 50 myself and as the years go by I'm putting people like this out of my life.

Mr Arrior

Thanks everyone, I am just a jolly person in general but I may try and be extra nice which may not be needed. Appreciate the responses.

johnnyskeleton

Mr Arrior wrote: »

This was a comment that a woman said about me and I'm not gonna lie has hurt me a bit especially cos the form hasn't been great recently.
Said woman is someone I used to work with in a hotel and would see her now and again.
Now I am friendly, many of my friends have said the first thing they see when the meet me is my big smile. I always try to be nice to anyone I meet and say hello and accompany that with a smile

I've found this out as a female friend of mine was chatting to said woman about me. My friend told me and I'm glad she did as its nice to know the people that don't have much time for you.
I wouldn't mind if she said I was too nice but to call me weird seems way over the top.
It has just hit me when I'm already a little down and I know it may seem like something stupid but just hurts when I think about it.
Im in my early twenties and I'm not sure if its a negative to be very nice at this age but I always thought it was the right thing to do. It seriously has me thinking that I should change but deep down I dont want to do that.

Do you have romantic feeling towards this particuar woman? Because if not dont worry about it. You can't please everybody so obviously some people are going to like you romantically and others not.

And theres nothing wrong with being nice. Whats really unfortunate is that "too nice" has become a euphamism for meaning "he's not for me" or "I don' fancy him".

As for being weird, I'm quite weird and am proud of it. It just means a little eccentric. To be honest if a girl called me a bit weird in a negative way I'd know to stay away from her because she probably doesn't have the cultural frame of reference or the intelligence to understand what I say. And thats ok too, but I dont find it attractive.

Mr Arrior

johnnyskeleton wrote:

Do you have romantic feeling towards this particuar woman? Because if not dont worry about it. You can't please everybody so obviously some people are going to like you romantically and others not.

No feelings for her, they were just on the topic of me for some reason so as ya said no reason to worry about it.

njs030

Why did your friend repeat something back to you that was going to bother you? Had you asked her to discuss you with this woman or did she take it on herself to do this?
It sounds like she was asked "what do you think of X" and that was her reply. Weird could mean a few different things depending on the person saying it....my sister is about your age and weird in her terms just means different than her idea of "normal". She called me weird for laughing at something she didn't find funny!!

I'd be more concerned about why your friend thinks it's OK to talk about you, get someone to say things that could cause problems and then repeat it back to you.....that's very two faced and trouble making.
I hope it's a one off!

Mr Arrior

notjustsweet wrote:

Why did your friend repeat something back to you that was going to bother you? Had you asked her to discuss you with this woman or did she take it on herself to do this? It sounds like she was asked "what do you think of X" and that was her reply. Weird could mean a few different things depending on the person saying it....my sister is about your age and weird in her terms just means different than her idea of "normal". She called me weird for laughing at something she didn't find funny!!

It was moreso this woman came up in convo and I said she was lovely and my friend then told me what she said about me. My friend didn't ask her about me, she mentioned me and ur one said what she said. I understand how it looks bad but tbh my friend meant no harm.

tomwaterford

Mr Arrior wrote: »

It was moreso this woman came up in convo and I said she was lovely and my friend then told me what she said about me. My friend didn't ask her about me, she mentioned me and ur one said what she said. I understand how it looks bad but tbh my friend meant no harm.

Tbh....I wouldn't place so much value on what others think of you....

It's setting yourself up for a fall long term as people will come to know it.....



Ignore what they say about you....espially begins your back....you dunno the context in which it was said?

Airyfairy12

If I had a euro for every time someone put me down or said something nasty behind my back id be living in the Bahamas right now on my own personal island drinking cocktails from diamond encrusted coconuts.
People will dislike you for absolutely no reason at all, you can be the most loveliest, kindest, most selfless, caring person and someone will still dislike you. People love to criticize and pick others apart, they genuinely enjoy it, it makes them feel like theyre better than they really are. Dont take it personally.

Mr Arrior

All very true, ah its been a bad patch for me the last while and these small things have just added up making things worse.

Merkin

I've always lived by the mantra 'people that mind don't matter and people that matter don't mind.' It has served me in good stead. Unless this woman's opinion of you matters to you a great deal then I wouldn't give it headspace TBH. If you're a good guy and you know that then what does this person's opinion matter at the end of the day? Really? On the grand scheme of things what does it matter?

And being called weird is good

Mr Arrior

Merkin wrote:

I've always lived by the mantra 'people that mind don't matter and people that matter don't mind.' It has served me in good stead. Unless this woman's opinion of you matters to you a great deal then I wouldn't give it headspace TBH. If you're a good guy and you know that then what does this person's opinion matter at the end of the day? Really? On the grand scheme of things what does it matter?

Merkin wrote:

And being called weird is good

Good advice, thanks.

Lux23

Don't let some silly person's opinion affect how you interact with the world. Maybe she thinks you're fake but I certainly wouldn't let that change who I am and how I treat people.

ManOfMystery

Being nice doesn't mean the whole world will love you. Some people are more cynical than others and find they mistrust 'nice' people, others take you as you are.

There is no situation where you will endear yourself to 100% of people 100% of the time. Life doesn't work like that.

Even if it did - so what? She's only one opinion out of hundreds, thousands. Don't sweat it - if you're generally a happy smiling person and most people find you pleasant, then you're doing pretty well already. You sound like a people-pleaser kind of person; just be yourself and accept that some people may not take to you, just as some won't take to me and some won't take to every other poster in this forum. It doesn't really matter that much.

santana75

Mr Arrior wrote: »

This was a comment that a woman said about me and I'm not gonna lie has hurt me a bit especially cos the form hasn't been great recently.
Said woman is someone I used to work with in a hotel and would see her now and again.
Now I am friendly, many of my friends have said the first thing they see when the meet me is my big smile. I always try to be nice to anyone I meet and say hello and accompany that with a smile

I've found this out as a female friend of mine was chatting to said woman about me. My friend told me and I'm glad she did as its nice to know the people that don't have much time for you.
I wouldn't mind if she said I was too nice but to call me weird seems way over the top.
It has just hit me when I'm already a little down and I know it may seem like something stupid but just hurts when I think about it.
Im in my early twenties and I'm not sure if its a negative to be very nice at this age but I always thought it was the right thing to do. It seriously has me thinking that I should change but deep down I dont want to do that.

But heres the thing, if there is something about yourself that you secretly dont like, 100% guaranteed, someone will say something that will trigger this off within you. If you didnt at some level think you were weird or not normal, then what some person says behind your back wouldnt make a dent. But it did and when that happens you can either try to deny it and convince yourself youre not weird or everyone else or you can see this as a signal coming from inside of you that this is something to look at. Take it for granted that at some level you believe this is true about you and you dont want to look at it. Its called your shadow and when you exile those parts that you dont like or wont accept, then this is when you are not complete and are at war with yourself. Sit down in a quiet place by yourself and relax your body. Then imagine that weird is a person, like the physical embodiment of weird. Sit down in your mind with this person and be kind to him. Show him compassion and invite him to become part of you. Accept weird completely. Say the word weird over and over until it no longer has a charge, so that if someone came up to your face and called you weird, you'd smile and say thank you. Look upon these incidents as gifts, helping you to become complete by accepting those parts of you that you think are bad or wrong. People who are "nice" have the biggest shadows because they exile from themselves anything that would contradict the nice image. But thats not being nice, thats being someone whos not a real person, because real people are petty, vindictive, kind, warm, jealous, angry, weird, controlling, fun, joyous etc. They are the full spectrum, not just the so called "nice" things. So let yourself be real and accept every part of you without judgement.

Mr Arrior

santana75 wrote:

But heres the thing, if there is something about yourself that you secretly dont like, 100% guaranteed, someone will say something that will trigger this off within you. If you didnt at some level think you were weird or not normal, then what some person says behind your back wouldnt make a dent. But it did and when that happens you can either try to deny it and convince yourself youre not weird or everyone else or you can see this as a signal coming from inside of you that this is something to look at. Take it for granted that at some level you believe this is true about you and you dont want to look at it. Its called your shadow and when you exile those parts that you dont like or wont accept, then this is when you are not complete and are at war with yourself. Sit down in a quiet place by yourself and relax your body. Then imagine that weird is a person, like the physical embodiment of weird. Sit down in your mind with this person and be kind to him. Show him compassion and invite him to become part of you. Accept weird completely. Say the word weird over and over until it no longer has a charge, so that if someone came up to your face and called you weird, you'd smile and say thank you. Look upon these incidents as gifts, helping you to become complete by accepting those parts of you that you think are bad or wrong. People who are "nice" have the biggest shadows because they exile from themselves anything that would contradict the nice image. But thats not being nice, thats being someone whos not a real person, because real people are petty, vindictive, kind, warm, jealous, angry, weird, controlling, fun, joyous etc. They are the full spectrum, not just the so called "nice" things. So let yourself be real and accept every part of you without judgement.

Damn that's a good response thanks

pilly

Just from another angle I suppose I would be one of those people who don't trust people who are overly nice. It can come across as false if that makes sense?

I've often heard after I've gotten to know someone that they thought I was an awful grump when they met me cause I've a resting bitch face so that's the other side of the coin.

But the people who bother to actually get to know you are the ones who matter.

Just remember that if you do go around asking people how they are etc. make sure you mean it. It's insincere if it's just "trying" to be nice.

Mr Arrior

pilly wrote:

Just from another angle I suppose I would be one of those people who don't trust people who are overly nice. It can come across as false if that makes sense?

Totally get what you mean but I am just a genuinely happy go lucky person. I like to brighten peoples days cos one other woman in the hotel told me that she loves seeing me around cos im always smiling compared to the other mopeds etc
If I'm nice to someone its sincere and the woman that said this about me, any interaction that her was always me trying to get to know her better etc in a calm manner yano

pilly

Mr Arrior wrote: »

Totally get what you mean but I am just a genuinely happy go lucky person. I like to brighten peoples days cos one other woman in the hotel told me that she loves seeing me around cos im always smiling compared to the other mopeds etc
If I'm nice to someone its sincere and the woman that said this about me, any interaction that her was always me trying to get to know her better etc in a calm manner yano

Ah well she's just a bitch so! Try not to let it get to you. I've reached the stage in my life where I'm pleasant to everyone, never nasty. If I want to get to know someone better I'll make the effort, if they don't want to know then I'll let it go. It gets easier as you get older to accept that not everybody likes you and sometimes it because of their past experiences and nothing to do with you.

That lady could have been badly burnt by someone who appeared to be a really nice person.

Dr Jakub

Op you may have been perceived as the 'nice guy' i.e. the guy who thinks being nice will get him into a girl's pants.

Were you going out of your way to be nice to her? Holding back opinions in case you offended her? Treat women they way you would your male friends, never do anything for a woman you wouldn't do for a male friend and you'll never have this problem again.

Mr Arrior

Dr Jakub wrote:

Were you going out of your way to be nice to her? Holding back opinions in case you offended her? Treat women they way you would your male friends, never do anything for a woman you wouldn't do for a male friend and you'll never have this problem again.

That's a good point, tbh I never actually stood and spoke to her, it was all from fleeting interactions.
But I do think ya may have a point when talking to other women, I do find myself being extra nice at times if i dont know the person and want to get to know them better. Its not put on, it's just who I am and what I'm used to but it may not necessarily be a good thing when trying to build new relationships

Dr Jakub

Mr Arrior wrote: »

That's a good point, tbh I never actually stood and spoke to her, it was all from fleeting interactions.
But I do think ya may have a point when talking to other women, I do find myself being extra nice at times if i dont know the person and want to get to know them better. Its not put on, it's just who I am and what I'm used to but it may not necessarily be a good thing when trying to build new relationships

You don't need to adopt a tough guy persona or anything, just don't be extra nice to girls. They pick up on it and you get labeled as 'creepy'.

Anyway, treat this as a learning experience. Look how much power you've given this woman. A negative comment has put you a depressed state. I learned to stop caring about others think of me. I make no apologies for who I am or my beliefs. Do the same, it's very liberating.

Johngoose

I used to have the same problem as you before where I would jump out of my skin in order for somebody to like me.I have changed a lot since I was your age.Somebody has to be nice to me now,in order for me to be nice to them.I pick and choose which people I am nice too.There actually is such thing as "too nice" and you can end up
being walked all over.Better to be selective in who you are nice to.

Mr Arrior

Thanks for all the advice people. I understand now that being too nice is a turn off for women so I'm going to work on that. One thing I find though is that a lot of women go for so called f**kboys and its obvious they are a f**kboy and then when they get hurt by said f**kboy, they complain about him being a f**kboy.

santana75

Mr Arrior wrote: »

I understand now that being too nice is a turn off for women so I'm going to work on that.

Eeeek!! Man please dont do that. If you get anything from the advice you were given please dont take it that you need to change so as to please women.........or anyone. Forget what you think other people want you to be. That would be fake and being overly nice and conforming.

Merkin

Mr Arrior wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice people. I understand now that being too nice is a turn off for women so I'm going to work on that. One thing I find though is that a lot of women go for so called f**kboys and its obvious they are a f**kboy and then when they get hurt by said f**kboy, they complain about him being a f**kboy.

Believe me, the nice guys are the keepers. When women realise their own worth the bad boys become pretty tiresome and boring. Don't for a second change who you are to suit some misguided interpretation of how you should or shouldn't behave.

batmanrobin

Mr Arrior wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice people. I understand now that being too nice is a turn off for women so I'm going to work on that. One thing I find though is that a lot of women go for so called f**kboys and its obvious they are a f**kboy and then when they get hurt by said f**kboy, they complain about him being a f**kboy.

Em, being nice isn't a turn off? Personally, it's a quality I like in people. There is enough crap and badness in the world. Being a decent human being is a good thing.

Try being less nice and you're going to learn quick enough the type of woman that attracts. I hope you like drama and lots of it!

Look, be yourself, be kind, don't be a doormat, don't be fake. It's not difficult, OP. It really isn't. You're either going to meet someone or you're not. You just gotta roll with it.

jopax

Hi op,

I can understand why you would feel a little hurt after hearing this.
I am older than you & I don't care much for what people think of me anymore, but I still think I'd feel a bit of a sting when you hear a remark like that.
Having said all that its good to know who your friends are & she sounds just nasty to me. She is the weird one here especially saying it to your friend.
Stay the way your are, it makes the world a better place to live when people are nice & friendly.

Mr Arrior

Thanks for all the positive replies. Appreciate it

December2012

Mr Arrior wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice people. I understand now that being too nice is a turn off for women so I'm going to work on that. One thing I find though is that a lot of women go for so called f**kboys and its obvious they are a f**kboy and then when they get hurt by said f**kboy, they complain about him being a f**kboy.

That's not what has been said.

Just be yourself, but be nice to people regardless of their gender. One person didn't like your behavior and you're overreacting.

Be genuine. You don't have to be happy and pleasant all the time.