Put a ring on it?

Ursus Horribilis

My understanding is that if you marry, your wife is entitled to every asset you have. You'd need to check that with a solicitor though because I am just a random punter.

I agree with the people who have mentioned the damage fighting parents do to their kids. One of my best friends grew up in a home where the parents stayed together for the sake of the kids. They only split once the youngest one had finished his leaving cert. By then, the damage was done. All three of them are in their thirties and forties now and single. To the best of my knowledge, not one of them has had a happy or lasting relationship. Now this is only one example but it is something you should bear in mind. Children are not stupid. They see and sense far more than adults give them credit for. They pick up on the vibes, they absorb everything, they build this behaviour into their understanding of what relationships entail. The right thing is not always the right thing.

fineso.mom

Wall nuts wrote: »

I really appreciate this advice. Getting "cold feet" due to the fights and moods yet not going for couples counselling as a first point of call seems rediculous now - I think I was unwilling to admit this fact to myself before this thread.

I would agree with counselling also. The mistake a lot of people make is waiting until there are huge problems and then going for help. Unfortunately, by then, there can be so much anger and resentment built up between a couple that its too late to fix the problem.
My brother and sister in law have been married for 20 odd years. They went for counselling after two years of marriage because of some issues that were causing tension. They wanted to nip it in the bud and sort it out and they did. They are a strong couple and to this day will say that counselling and acknowleding problems head on is what helped them have the bond they have.

FortySeven

Wall nuts wrote: »

Anyone have any advice/experience with this? At the moment I'm the only earner supporting the entire household but am taxed as a single person. The difference if we are married is approx. 10% of my net pay. That is not to be sneezed at when we are so broke already! I know it's small money compared to maintenance fees after seperation. However, maintenance payments would be to the kids and their mother, not the taxman - big difference.

Maintenance can leave you in a horrible situation. I'm wary of going too much into specifics as I am on a final warning in this particular forum but I think I am offering the advice you seek so here goes.

You can be left paying maintenance at such a level that you cannot afford to rent somewhere for yourself. If you go to mcdonalds on a weekend then you will see the phenomenon that is the 'mcdonalds dad'.

With a large chunk of your salary going towards the mortgage or rent for your ex to reside in with the children you are left renting a room in a shared house. This means NO overnights for the children as the accommodation is deemed unsuitable. You are left trying to entertain your children as best you can on access which is generally at the weekend. I have done this myself, trust me, trying to entertain two children for 8 hours on a Sunday is a very expensive proposition indeed. Hence Mcdonalds.

I can't even go there at the weekend any more. I find this so depressing to see.

If you are broke now consider adding another rent, another electricity bill, another tv licence etc. It is not easy and it is a real incentive for YOU to try and make it work. I can't stress this enough, your partner has very little to lose and more likely will gain from any court contested separation. You really, really have to try and use counseling and try to sort your issues if possible.

This is just an idea of a best case scenario by the way. If separation angers your partner even more then the outcome can get much worse very quickly.

Family court is brutal for men. If you are going to separate then I would strongly advise you seek legal representation before making any move. You have a hell of a lot to lose and absolutely nothing to gain when it comes to finances and the children.

anewme

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

. One of my best friends grew up in a home where the parents stayed together for the sake of the kids. They only split once the youngest one had finished his leaving cert. By then, the damage was done. All three of them are in their thirties and forties now and single. To the best of my knowledge, not one of them has had a happy or lasting relationship. Now this is only one example but it is something you should bear in mind. Children are not stupid. They see and sense far more than adults give them credit.

This was exactly our house. There were only 2 of us, My sister ended up getting married and having a lovely family but me, being older, was exposed to a lot more of the fighting and negativity and grew up too soon.

So I'm left a spinster with a load of cats!(joke).

All joking aside, while I have a great and very happy life, I've no doubt my views on marriage and relationships and probably over-independence are because of my parents toxic relationship.

Colser

OP would you ring citizens advice and they may be able to clarify some details for you ,I think they have legal advice available at certain times also but I'm not certain of that.

In relation to getting married I'd say forget it at the moment as it could leave you in a worse situation if it didn't work out.

Are you sure that you're claiming for everything tax wise..would you be entitled to FIS or any other allowance?

amtc

I'very been in two minds whether or not to post in this. I' m 43 and grew up where I was the intermediary between my parents. They went months and years without speaking. It was always me told to tell your mam or tell your dad.

It is only this year and it seems so simple but I didn't know couples were supposed to look in the same direction. My parents don't do anything together. My dad said to me yesterday that they are both miserable. I am absolutely dreading Christmas.

And yes has totally affected my view of relationships. I either hold back or invest too much. I tend to go for unavailable nice men. I am getting a cat!

In your case, try counselling. But don't get married for financial reasons.