Break-up, trapped abroad.. what to do

SwordofLight

Hi there,
I feel terrible right now. I'm hoping someone can help me to change my perspective and see some light.
I live in England. I've been seeing a girl for 8 months. On the day I met her I received devastating news regarding my health and it was as if I'd been sent an angel. She was out of my league but over the next few weeks I managed to get her out on a date. She has a child but it didn't matter to me. My mind-frame was thinking 'live everyday like it's your last'. She is beautiful.
Fast forward to the last few weeks and some arguing and today her saying she wants to leave things. I never got to meet her child. We saw each other once a week, sometimes twice, but overall she had a lot of issues as do I. I don't want to be in England anymore. My job is going nowhere and although making friends, it's difficult to stay in touch and meet up. At times I feel like an alien. It can be difficult to speak to some English people and occasionally you hear people making comments such as "that was a very Irish thing to say" meaning it was stupid. I think all of this inner unhappiness has probably affected my interactions with her. I never committed and neither did she, even though she did imply she was waiting for me to commit. On the one hand I want to travel and certainly don't want to settle here, but on the other the healthcare I've received here has probably saved my life, and I really enjoy her company, and I'm afraid to let all of this go. I was alone for years after a previous long term relationship. We struggle to be on the same page sometimes and she can be very very moody and sensitive.
What I really want is to come home and meet someone and settle where I am comfortable. I don't know if I should pack up and start again in Dublin, I tried returning a few years ago and couldn't even get a place to stay, being honest it was not enjoyable and life was very different to how I had left it years previous. I just feel trapped now. Maybe the grass is greener kind of thing applies. I feel like I've been so busy chasing a difficult career that I have missed the most important things in life - maybe spending time with friends and family, building a relationship, creating a family of my own. Maybe it's time to come home to roost.
Any thoughts welcome. I'm going for a jog now as I've been going out of my mind all day.

FortySeven

I would not be hasty to return to Ireland with health issues. The NHS is a godsend. Have you insurance? If not then you'd be mad to return.

Not sure where you are in the UK but rent in Dublin is ridiculous.

I just moved the other way. Ireland to UK. Going to the doctor today and being handed my meds was sweet, sweet loveliness. They cost me nearly €360 a month and of course the €55 for the doctor. Today I paid nothing. Nada, Zero.

As for the girl, chalk it up and move on. As for the English, there's plenty more of them too if you don't like the ones you know.

Merkin

I lived in the UK for quite a number of years and am married to a lovely chap from London. And I can tell you from first hand experience, if you have an existing health issue that needs ongoing treatment you simply won't get comparable care here to the care you'll receive, at no expense, on the amazing NHS. Stay put and forge new friendships etc. I wouldn't be throwing in the towel because a short lived romance didn't work out.

fits

:mad:

FortySeven wrote: »

I I just moved the other way. Ireland to UK. Going to the doctor today and being handed my meds was sweet, sweet loveliness. They cost me nearly €360 a month and of course the €55 for the doctor. Today I paid nothing. Nada, Zero.

.

Could you not avail of the drugs payment scheme limiting it to 155 a month? ( still a lot I give you)

The_Conductor

fits wrote: »

:mad:

Could you not avail of the drugs payment scheme limiting it to 155 a month? ( still a lot I give you)

Its actually 144 a month under the DPS- however, unless you have a medical card- you're looking at 50 quid min per GP visit (which is why medical card holders are over 14 times more likely to visit their GP than non-med-card holders- according to the HSE).

OP- honestly- it sounds like you're having a 'grass is greener on the other side' moment. So- it didn't work out with the girl you were seeing- thats life, chalk it down to experience and move on.

There is absolutely nothing to say things will be better in Dublin- indeed, and regardless of the fact that its our capital city- its actually quite parochial in nature- as is most of the country.

You're feeling down now- its only natural- perhaps throwing yourself into a hobby or something you enjoy doing- to take your mind off the current issue, at least until its a little less raw, might be an idea?

FortySeven

fits wrote: »

:mad:

Could you not avail of the drugs payment scheme limiting it to 155 a month? ( still a lot I give you)

I worked it out that I would have been better off taking a pay cut to get a medical card but instead I quit my job and returned home to Scotland. The 55 quid a pop is a disgrace. My doctor drives a BMW i8. :rolleyes:

The drug payment scheme? Never heard of that one. I've been buying these pills for months. (Goes to look up drug scheme with a worried stupid feeling)

Daisy78

Where are you living in the UK? If it's London then you surely have lots of options to meet and make friends from other countries? There is nothing to say that you have to date a British girl? The English can be ever so slightly condescending towards other cultures ( I work with enough of them to know this!) but it doesn't mean that they arent well intentioned. I think it's just a culture thing tbh.

Regarding your career, maybe this breakup might be the time to think about what direction you want to go in? Perhaps a change of job or maybe take up a part time course?

As someone mentioned above you are probably feeling a bit raw at the moment, give yourself a bit of time to be disappointed but once you have then take stock and see what practical changes in your current circumstances you can make to improve things. Best of luck!

SwordofLight

Just an update guys.
 I left it a few more days and she got back in touch wanting to pick it up again. So we did. But in that time she started to reach out to her university mates (there is a 12 year age gap between us) and started arranging nights out. We had planned a month back we were going to spend a Christmas Saturday together and I thought we would, but she has said she has plans and this prompted a discussion which has led to a breakup and now I feel devastated. I didn't think I would. But it's made me realise how much I wanted her. To tell a little more of the story - she's still married, and although she hates her husband (who moved out), she never wanted a 'relationship' with me, only the cuddles on demand for 9 months. So I worked on it from day 1 and hung in there. After 4 months I asked her and she said no it would complicate things. So I said ok. She then said she was moving into a new house with her husband for the good of the child, but they wouldn't be sleeping together or anything. I blew up as it drove home my status as some guy helping her get through hard times with no future together. After a few days we started seeing eachother again. We had a few arguments, and went for periods of about a week not talking or texting. But we always got back. It was always a total pain because I didn't know where I stood and she wouldn't commit to dates or planning things in advance.

I began feeling much stronger around the time of the original post, and thinking that she is a woman who probably wasn't good for me overall, and started making other plans. I think she was picking up on that and more recently she gave me signals that I should ask her out or tell her I love her etc. But we met on Saturday, after she'd been out with friends, and had so much fun together, and I decided to confront the issues. We mutually agreed it would inevitably end. She started to say how I was wasting my time and should be looking for a normal relationship to have children. I tried putting on a brave face and we hugged, both of us knowing it was for the last time. She cried and it killed me inside. I feel smashed again. I was honest with her and I regret it. 

Today I am considering why it failed, I keep thinking that life is short and she makes me so happy why am I not doing everything in my power to be with her. I just didn't know what I wanted. But I want to be a part of her life, her child's life, and commit to her. She looked for this a few weeks ago, but now, as always it's too little too late. We will likely never meet again as no reason to cross paths, so it's not like I can do anything apart from make pathetic contact to get her back. I am tempted to write her a Christmas card and send her a gift saying I love her and making one last effort, but I know that's just coming across as being desperate.

Amazing how when it came to the actual proper separation I was so hurt I was willing to give her everything. Unstuck again now.

May I ask, what does this picture look like to everyone? I just can't see clearly.

SwordofLight

Jesus I don't get it. She's just texted asking if we are going to the cinema together tonight. It's like in my head I had started to move on already, what is she up to.. it was supposed to be over.. I am confused ... is she just stringing me along again out of boredom or something...

The_Conductor

SwordofLight wrote: »

Jesus I don't get it. She's just texted asking if we are going to the cinema together tonight. It's like in my head I had started to move on already, what is she up to.. it was supposed to be over.. I am confused ... is she just stringing me along again out of boredom or something...

You're her fall-back, her security blanket- whether she realises this herself or not. She is playing psychological mindgames on herself- as much as on you. The ball is firmly in your court though- its up to you to do as you will.

Katgurl

She's wasting your time, honestly. Cut her loose, don't even respond to her messages or she will suck you back in.

SwordofLight

Well, more heartbreak. She said she didn't realise we were ending it with immediate effect. I said why go on hurting eachother. She sent me a long message saying how I was the only one she's ever had show her so much affection and that it has got her through her toughest times, that she is heartbroken but has happy memories. I messaged saying that I want to be there for her and be a part of her life, and to give me a call if she changes her mind. She just messaged back saying 'I wouldn't do it to you'.
I don't know what to do now. I'm just gonna take some valium and go to bed. I think I'll text back saying 'That's my decision to make' or 'That's my mistake to make' and ask her to think about it over Christmas.

Conor Bourke

SwordofLight wrote: »

Well, more heartbreak. She said she didn't realise we were ending it with immediate effect. I said why go on hurting eachother. She sent me a long message saying how I was the only one she's ever had show her so much affection and that it has got her through her toughest times, that she is heartbroken but has happy memories. I messaged saying that I want to be there for her and be a part of her life, and to give me a call if she changes her mind. She just messaged back saying 'I wouldn't do it to you'.
I don't know what to do now. I'm just gonna take some valium and go to bed. I think I'll text back saying 'That's my decision to make' or 'That's my mistake to make' and ask her to think about it over Christmas.

I don't mean to kick you while you're down and I appreciate how upset you are but you're perpetuating the drama with those responses. She's still married, whether it's happy or not she's going to play happy families this Christmas and you're giving her the green light to pick back up with you in the cold light of the New Year when she's bored again. You're allowing yourself to be made a fool of.

If you really want a shot at happiness, you sure as hell won't get it by hanging around waiting for her. Stop being so passive, tell her to leave you alone, block her number and allow yourself to face the sad reality.

Take care

Big Bag of Chips

Did you post about her a while back? The whole buying a house with her ex sounds familiar. She's using you. She's in a marriage of sorts That is not fulfilling whatever emotional/intimate need, or whatever. So, she has you for that, but still has the family on the other side. She is not too keen to end the arrangement, because she is getting from it what she wants - attention and a cuddle when she needs one.

What are you getting from it though? Only your head wrecked. If anyone is to end it, it has to be you. You have to stop her contacting you. Block her number. Change your number if you have to. Otherwise this is going to go around and around in unending circles. She's not available to you.. not fully. But she still wants you to be available to her.

That's not fair on you, and it's holding you back. She's not the "Angel" you first thought.

SwordofLight

Thanks a lot for the replies. It's really helping having people to talk to. I texted saying 'That's my mistake to make', and she then asked me to clear up what I meant. It basically led to her pouring out what she says are her true feelings - that she thought we were always going to break up at some point because she didn't believe I wanted more than a regular FB, which was kind of the initial agreement. I said I would like to be a part of her life now and meet her son. She said that is totally unexpected and would be amazing, and I said we should take a few weeks to really decide because we don't want to hurt her son. She agreed but said she knows what she wants. Big Bag of Chips - she did a U-turn on all of that and is getting a place on her own now. She also shared that her husband was violent and used to come in drunk and vomit all over the place, she was pregnant at the time. I guess she's been through a lot. She has self-harm scars on one arm and was in foster care as a teenager. I have some of those feelings of 'saving her' I think.
I think you've all made some really good points. My head is completely wrecked and I've been all over the place emotionally with her. But maybe things would be different if we were sharing each others problems. Isn't a relationship supposed to flow naturally?
Maybe life would be so much easier if I just went and met someone closer to my own age with no kids. That way we could have a normal relationship. Sometimes I think I am too easily hurt, too into the drama, I seem to get very attached. It's so so hard to let go and I really don't want to but I really do other times. I'm all over the place... maybe giving it until after Christmas to make contact will help.. it's making me go crazy.

daithi7

1. Pucker up. Wish her the best and leave her off.

You are lonely and vulnerable, you've been through the ringer healthwise and this woman is using you and exploiting this (whether consciously or unconsciously).

Imho, you need to do 1 above, then get happy, maybe join a few clubs, play sports, start dancing classes, hobbies or whatever and meet a nice riends and a girl who actually care for you and enhance your life, and you theirs. Concentrate on that as the criteria for good relationships and leave this rather broken relationship behind.. Once you find meaningful other relationships you won't give this one a second thought. Here's the thing though, you need to drop this negative relationship first to make space in your life and your head for new relationships. You must do this for your future sanity& happiness.

good luck!!

Big Bag of Chips

Relationships aren't meant to be this much work. She's not in a place for a relationship. She's not ready. You will continue to be hurt by her. I think if this relationship is meant to be, then there's no harm both of you taking a few months, yes months, to get your own heads straight before continuing it. Christmas is only a week away, so I don't see how leaving it until then to get in contact is going to achieve anything of any significance.

But, as you said, maybe you love the drama. If that's the case, then off you go. Because you'll certainly get that in bucket loads with this one!

SeaBreezes

Yes, you love the drama, that comes through in your posts. Tough to know what to do, but if she will cheat with you, then she will cheat on you. The drama maybe addictive but the only people getting hurt are the child and husband. Now, when she's ready to leave him (after how many months of lies?) she's painting him as the monster so her own actions are justified.
And only when you offer to commit to her life is she read to get a place on her own, until you move in of course. Are you weathy OP?
Amazing this is the first you've heard of the bad treatment. I'd watch how she and her husband separate, how she considers her kid. Of course you never met him, she was having an affair and didn't want daddy to know. Now she's ready to jump ship and you can catch her. You seem to have no regard for the other unknowing players in this scene, and she will only leave her current comfy relationship when she has the groundwork ready for the next. and your happy to be the next soft landing. Best of luck with that. Hopefully I'm over cynical and this is true love. But why the lies and complications?

SwordofLight

Thank you for the replies. Have been trying my best to keep busy but she has been texting even though we agreed to take some time apart to think. I'm feeling a little better after a few days of no contact with her and some time to chat to people and get my mind off of it. So so tempting to give in and go meet her.
I should clarify a few things - when I first started seeing her, her husband had moved out of their house. They were married 4 years. There were still pictures of them up around the place and they were sharing the child, I think 3.5 days each or something. She said they hadn't been together or loving towards each other for over a year. When I met her and she broke the news about moving back in with the husband through selling up and moving into a house with separate bedrooms, she was really distressed and had argued it was for the good of the child and that she didn't want the child to have abnormal development.
The long and short is that I don't think she is intentionally devious but I guess she has a lot going on and I am just a guy she's been seeing casually rather than seriously and have been treated as such. Now the stakes are changing and it is an unknown how it would pan out if I was properly in her life. 
Some of the things said on here really ring true, like it does feel like a weird broken relationship, and that she isn't ready for a relationship, and maybe neither am I being honest. I love spending time with her, she makes me feel great, but the thoughts of devoting my current free life to becoming a step-dad all of a sudden, and being totally unsure of my career prospects etc kind of scare the hell out of me. I have to be really honest here - if she didn't have the child I would commit to her. It makes me sound shallow, but the reasons are many - she has to live close to the ex-husband, she has to be in regular contact with the ex-husband, she can't spontaneously do ANYTHING, she can't travel away on a holiday without the child and permission from the ex-husband, I'm not sure I want to always play a subordinate role to the fathering needs of the ex-husband, I'm afraid of the dynamics of him being around should we have children together.
So it seems I want to be with her, but not the things that come along with her. I don't think there is much I can do about those. Of course the problem is that I love her.. but who knows, maybe if I give it a few months I'll fall in-love with someone else... is there any way to make this work? Are my thoughts irrational?

Conor Bourke

Your focus should not be on finding someone else to fall in love with in the next few months. It's sounds like you need to take a bit of time to yourself to deal with your illness and to try and find a more healthy way of processing your emotions.

Pinning all your hopes of happiness on someone else and loving drama is a lifelong recipe for heartbreak and headwreck.

Calypso Realm

SwordofLight wrote: »

.
. I have to be really honest here - if she didn't have the child I would commit to her. It makes me sound shallow, but the reasons are many - she has to live close to the ex-husband, she has to be in regular contact with the ex-husband, she can't spontaneously do ANYTHING, she can't travel away on a holiday without the child and permission from the ex-husband, I'm not sure I want to always play a subordinate role to the fathering needs of the ex-husband, I'm afraid of the dynamics of him being around should we have children together.
So it seems I want to be with her, but not the things that come along with her. I don't think there is much I can do about those. ?

How old is the child? Personally, I don't think this is shallow at all. I know I wouldn't be interested in someone who already had children either! I know plenty of others like me. On the other hand hopefully someone is in this type of relationship could offer you more help with the practicalities.

Good luck with it all OP, particularly with your treatment for your illness. Hope you're better soon.

Big Bag of Chips

I am married to someone with a child from a previous relationship. The child and arrangements around the child always take priority. Especially when the child is young. I was 22 when I started going out with my husband and his daughter was 4. It impacted on all the things young couples should be able to do, things like you mentioned, weekends away, random nights out, holidays etc. Everything depended on the cooperation of another person.

I didn't have a child at 22, because I didn't want a child. Yet when I started a relationship with my husband suddenly a 4 year old (and her mother) were a fairly hefty part of my life. And that was in a situation where everything was amicable! Yours sounds like it will be an uphill battle from the start... It already is!

daithi7

OP,

Just FYI. There was a great article on the ted radio hour today (on newstalk), which you can look up on line about health, wellness and the direct correlation between the relationships in our lives and our health. According to a fascinating contributor from South Africa the Zulus have a word, 'Ubuntu', which means that we are really only defined by our relationships with others.
https://youtu.be/FV-c2FnPnDE

I think this is very applicable to you and your approach to relationships. IMHO in this 'relationship' you've described, you're seeking drama, to feel heroic (by 'saving' her) and intimacy, rather than seeking things that are less transient and things that will enhance your life as well. Relationships have to be 2 way to be healthy, humans know this intuitively. When relationships are one way, unbalanced , do not involve give and take they are destined to fail.

That is a lot of lost energy, time and 'head space'. Value those first, and insist that others value you as much as you (wish to) value them and then you will be on a much sounder footing to better relationships all round imho, and leave drama for film 4 & the theatres where it belongs.

Bluehue

This woman is not attracted to you, how could she be, you think she is "out of her league". Women are attracted to men who are "above them", not "below them".

You are basically her little puppy who does what she wants, tell ger to never contact you again.

SwordofLight

SwordofLight wrote: »

Thank you for the replies. Have been trying my best to keep busy but she has been texting even though we agreed to take some time apart to think. I'm feeling a little better after a few days of no contact with her and some time to chat to people and get my mind off of it. So so tempting to give in and go meet her.
I should clarify a few things - when I first started seeing her, her husband had moved out of their house. They were married 4 years. There were still pictures of them up around the place and they were sharing the child, I think 3.5 days each or something. She said they hadn't been together or loving towards each other for over a year. When I met her and she broke the news about moving back in with the husband through selling up and moving into a house with separate bedrooms, she was really distressed and had argued it was for the good of the child and that she didn't want the child to have abnormal development.
The long and short is that I don't think she is intentionally devious but I guess she has a lot going on and I am just a guy she's been seeing casually rather than seriously and have been treated as such. Now the stakes are changing and it is an unknown how it would pan out if I was properly in her life. 
Some of the things said on here really ring true, like it does feel like a weird broken relationship, and that she isn't ready for a relationship, and maybe neither am I being honest. I love spending time with her, she makes me feel great, but the thoughts of devoting my current free life to becoming a step-dad all of a sudden, and being totally unsure of my career prospects etc kind of scare the hell out of me. I have to be really honest here - if she didn't have the child I would commit to her. It makes me sound shallow, but the reasons are many - she has to live close to the ex-husband, she has to be in regular contact with the ex-husband, she can't spontaneously do ANYTHING, she can't travel away on a holiday without the child and permission from the ex-husband, I'm not sure I want to always play a subordinate role to the fathering needs of the ex-husband, I'm afraid of the dynamics of him being around should we have children together.
So it seems I want to be with her, but not the things that come along with her. I don't think there is much I can do about those. Of course the problem is that I love her.. but who knows, maybe if I give it a few months I'll fall in-love with someone else... is there any way to make this work? Are my thoughts irrational?

Jeeez man cut her loose. Get out of there quick as you can she is using you

SwordofLight

Thank you all for your time and your replies. We have been texting lots over the past few days. I don't know where it's at. She went out with her University mates on Saturday night and texted me a loveheart around 8pm at dinner. Next thing I get a missed call and garbled texts at 6am. I was worried so I rang her and she was obliterated drunk (she never drinks, this is totally out of character), she was just speaking gibberish and then vomited. She says she doesn't remember much of the night, stayed over at her friends. Then I met her on Sunday, had a dinner out on Monday, then tonight I called over and gave her a Christmas present. She seems to want to take it to the next level now.
I had a text conversation with her on Sunday night about things, and she said that as long as her husband and I are respectful of the situation everything should be ok. It's really tough for her I think. Big Bag of Chips, what happens when you end up having children of your own, are there issues with blending because of the differing values the kids may have as a result of mixed parentage?
Some of the replies have made me really try to look at this from an objective standpoint, maybe she is using me, I don't know... like she didn't have a gift or card for me in exchange, she didn't invite me out Sat night with her Uni mates, she usually only wants to do things on certain nights of the week to suit her schedule, and in the past she has shown me pictures of her dream men such as a physiotherapist she works with - that in partcular I found really hurtful but she couldn't see why I got a bit annoyed... .........................problem is I know this is a dysfunctional uphill relationship, but I can't seem to break it, I don't want to hurt her, and I keep saying to myself to chnge my perspective that things are actually amazing and I'm lucky to be with her etc.............. maybe I've lost it

Big Bag of Chips

You don't want to hurt her? Yet you are happily allowing her to hurt you. Nobody here can tell you what to do, and I think that you will blindly follow through on this relationship. She will get what she can out of you, and if somebody better comes along you will be dropped. Relationships aren't supposed to be hurt, upset, uncertainty, secret, kept to a schedule. They are supposed to be free and easy.

You're not going to get that, but you're not going to walk away either. You mention children, please for the love of all that's good do not have a child with her. You will end up being a weekend dad. And your child will grow up in a very dysfunctional family, including the other dad.

There's nothing else to offer you, OP. I'm out.

ibarelycare

OP it seems like you're not actually taking any of the advice on board and are just using this thread like a blog to update people on an incredibly dysfunctional relationship (if you an even call it that).

SwordofLight

SwordofLight wrote: »

Thanks a lot for the replies. It's really helping having people to talk to. I texted saying 'That's my mistake to make', and she then asked me to clear up what I meant.

Then take their advice. This one is damaged. Id stay well clear if i were you. You are not just taking on her either. You are taking on her kid and her ex.

Supposing she looked like Jennifer Lawrence it still think it is madness to go any further with her. You will get burned in the end.

SwordofLight

SwordofLight wrote: »

Thank you all for your time and your replies. We have been texting lots over the past few days. I don't know where it's at. She went out with her University mates on Saturday night and texted me a loveheart around 8pm at dinner. Next thing I get a missed call and garbled texts at 6am. I was worried so I rang her and she was obliterated drunk (she never drinks, this is totally out of character), she was just speaking gibberish and then vomited. She says she doesn't remember much of the night, stayed over at her friends. Then I met her on Sunday, had a dinner out on Monday, then tonight I called over and gave her a Christmas present. She seems to want to take it to the next level now.
I had a text conversation with her on Sunday night about things, and she said that as long as her husband and I are respectful of the situation everything should be ok. It's really tough for her I think. Big Bag of Chips, what happens when you end up having children of your own, are there issues with blending because of the differing values the kids may have as a result of mixed parentage?
Some of the replies have made me really try to look at this from an objective standpoint, maybe she is using me, I don't know... like she didn't have a gift or card for me in exchange, she didn't invite me out Sat night with her Uni mates, she usually only wants to do things on certain nights of the week to suit her schedule, and in the past she has shown me pictures of her dream men such as a physiotherapist she works with - that in partcular I found really hurtful but she couldn't see why I got a bit annoyed... .........................problem is I know this is a dysfunctional uphill relationship, but I can't seem to break it, I don't want to hurt her, and I keep saying to myself to chnge my perspective that things are actually amazing and I'm lucky to be with her etc.............. maybe I've lost it

I had a text conversation with her on Sunday night about things, and she said that as long as her husband and I are respectful of the situation everything should be ok.

'Just like that' as Tommy Cooper would say.

You sound too unsecure with all due respect. Lucky to be with her? Shes the lucky one. How could you be lucky to be in a dysfunctional relationship?

You are currently resident in a nation of 64 million people. I cant imagine there isnt at least one woman more worthy of you then this one. There is 7 billion people or so all over the globe. Why have a minimalist mentality?

You have no ties and seem a genuine person. Find someone genuine and rid yourself of this baggage immediately because if she is humming and hawing and messing you around then she doesnt deserve another second of your time.

Ursus Horribilis

I think we're all wasting our time advising the OP. As sure as night follows day, he's going to get back with her. Some people can't be told.

professore

She's cheating on her husband, has a kid and is out all night with her university mates. Does her husband know you exist, I.e. have you met him? Her telling you isn't good enough. And her sleeping with you is hardly a stable environment for her kid. Find a decent woman, you deserve better.

SwordofLight

Thank you all so much for the replies. I had some time without her over the holiday period and have realised a few things. I am a drama queen, probably driven neurotic from making bad life choices and being unhappy with myself for that. With this woman, we are a mismatch, and I don't have the balls to tell her goodbye. We have become even closer as she bought me Xmas gifts and introduced me to her son. It's going to be tough. I worry about her. I don't want to let her go, but at the same time my head says it cannot work. Even typing this has my heart racing with panic. It's pathetic. All the help and pointers I've received from you all and I can't do it. I keep thinking I can find a way to make it work. I'm warming to the idea of being a stepdad and just moving in with her and her son next month. I know what I'm signing up for, but I've developed the attitude that I've made my bed and now I've to lie in it. I could be happy with that after a while if I just accept life and stop moaning. Or maybe I need to make a plan of how I'm going to end it with her, maybe it will naturally fizzle out itself in a few months anyway and all this drama will have been for nothing. Anyone reading this would think I'm insane, I can't make a decision, on the one hand I'm inlove with her, on the other I'm wanting something else.

SwordofLight

SwordofLight wrote: »

Thank you all so much for the replies. I had some time without her over the holiday period and have realised a few things. I am a drama queen, probably driven neurotic from making bad life choices and being unhappy with myself for that. With this woman, we are a mismatch, and I don't have the balls to tell her goodbye. We have become even closer as she bought me Xmas gifts and introduced me to her son. It's going to be tough. I worry about her. I don't want to let her go, but at the same time my head says it cannot work. Even typing this has my heart racing with panic. It's pathetic. All the help and pointers I've received from you all and I can't do it. I keep thinking I can find a way to make it work. I'm warming to the idea of being a stepdad and just moving in with her and her son next month. I know what I'm signing up for, but I've developed the attitude that I've made my bed and now I've to lie in it. I could be happy with that after a while if I just accept life and stop moaning. Or maybe I need to make a plan of how I'm going to end it with her, maybe it will naturally fizzle out itself in a few months anyway and all this drama will have been for nothing. Anyone reading this would think I'm insane, I can't make a decision, on the one hand I'm inlove with her, on the other I'm wanting something else.

You dont have to remain in this relationship but you were incredibly foolish to meet her son. You came on here looking for advice. You ignored every bit of sound advice you were given.

So now you will have to contend with a flaky woman and her ex. And what if you get attached to her son and have to break that attachment because the lady in question discovers once again that she isnt able to commit?

Have you even thought this far ahead? Your taking some huge risk here and ive a terrible feeling it will end one way, pain all around

Ursus Horribilis

SwordofLight wrote: »

I'm warming to the idea of being a stepdad and just moving in with her and her son next month.

Well....that escalated!

Best of luck, OP. You're going to need it. I suppose I'm wasting my time here but for jaysus sake will you be careful with the contraception side of things. Don't even think about having a baby with her. Though seeing as you're wilfully ignoring everything we've advised you and are doing the exact opposite, maybe I should be telling you to go at it like rabbits and trust her to take the pill.

Big Bag of Chips

You've made your bed? What bed? That phrase means that you've done something fairly monumental that you can't get out of. You haven't done anything, yet! You're in a flaky relationship. You have no commitments to each other (she's not pregnant, is she?) You have no mortgage together? You're not married? What bed have you made?? I'd get out now before the bed is made, but as others have pointed out, you're not going to listen. You are going to continue a dodgy relationship, with a flaky woman and a jealous, obsessive, abusive ex who she was going to buy a house with a couple of months ago, and now the plan is to move in with you instead?

It sounds like this woman is looking for someone to share the bills with, and whether that's her ex husband or you it doesn't really matter.

Good luck, OP, you're going to need it.
See you back here pretty soon looking for advice on how to get access to your child and how to stop her ex husband interfering in your child's life!