Christmas Issues

Walter H Price

Bit of background I'm with my OH 5 years we got engaged last November and getting married next year. So here the thing we both love Christmas , really into it the decorating, Food , crap movies and big presents and all that crack (not the actual religious lark), But we have never done Christmas together, despite living together for the best part of 4 years.

Her family are weirdly close and there's like 30 people shes expected to see and wants to see over Christmas all where shes from outside Dublin.My family is tiny and my folks and sister aren't into Christmas at all , they made a big fuss when we were kids but nothing at all now, which tbh has kind of ruined it for me most of my adult life.

After we got engaged last year we agreed we would do this Christmas properly and together , and i was really excited, did get the feeling at the time though my OH wasn't as into the idea which was a bit disappointing. anyway over the summer my Nana's dimensia got worse so i said to her would she mind if i went to my on Christmas , even though i new it was not gonna be what i wanted so as i could have another Christmas day with my nana , because in all likelihood she wont be fully present by next year sadly.

I said to her no obligation on her to go to mine she could go to Kildare for Christmas day, which she was delighted about. I had suggested she go down Christmas eve late and we'd do our thing all Christmas eve and come back up Christmas day night or early stevens day, she kinda agreed though on reflect not enthusiastically.

Fast forward to saturday when she casually informs me she's going down to her mams at like 8am on christmas eve and not back till 8pm or later stevens day in order to see everyone. I was like hold the phone not even nearly what we agreed , anyway it led to a massive row and me left feeling really ****ty and like she had no interest in spending christmas with me at all , the way i see it she has taken full advantage of the situation with my nan, i gave an inch i shouldn't have but she well and truly took the piss there after. she eventually has kinda noncommittally and definitely reluctantly to stay till like 1 on Christmas eve and come back"early" whatever that means on stevens day. but to be honest im still kinda annoyed about it.

Am i mad or should she actually want to spend some time together over the three days of christmas ? i'm concerned this is always gunna be an issue.

Like i never want to spend Christmas with her family or mine for that matter , neither would be my idea of fun for different reasons.I'm not saying not seeing people but i'm not doing rounds of visiting in Kildare or Christmas with my folks if it can be avoided. I've made this clear to her from the start but i think to be honest shes just not getting it.

Big Bag of Chips

I'd ask her what she plans to do next year when you're married? Or if you have children?

I understand Christmas is a big time for her and her family, but she is starting a new family now. My husband's family would be a bit like that in that they all go to one house on Christmas Day. About 30 of them, eating dinner off the corners of worktops and the likes! I hate it!! We did it one year and then started our own Christmas traditions, but still making sure we got to see everyone over Christmas.

Your gf is stuck in her ways, but there comes a point when you start a new family unit that compromises have to be made and that family becomes your priority. I'd, reluctantly, let her do what she decides this year. But I would definitely be laying out what you hope to happen when you get married. Will you always be expected to spend 3 days from Christmas Eve to St. Stephen' s day in her family home?

silverbolt

gotta love Christmas - the happiest time of the year produces more rows than any other occasion.

OP, this is an inbuilt behaviour over years and i doubt you are going to break it anytime soon. Locking horns on this is only going to produce more rows.

your partner is torn between you and her family. Your grandmother and your plans concerning her produced a very human response. an easy way out. She wants to spend time with her family and that is natural enough

Your answer to this IMO is go to your grandmothers, let her have her Xmas with her family. there will be christmas next year. But i would certainly voice your concerns. Five years together is significant.

I will point out however that eventually this pattern is going to break. What happens when you two have your own family? Married? Children? Will you spend the entire xmas traipsing from one house to the next dragging your littluns to visit all her relatives?

HelgaWard

To be honest it kind of sounds like you want Christmas exactly on your terms and are PO'd she is not complying fully. I can understand why she doesn't want Christmas to be a 24 hour flying visit to her folks. She probably wants to go early on Christmas Eve and return later Stephen's Day so she can have some chill out, non rushed time. You've basically made your plans, and want her to do exactly what you are doing. You know her family are close, yet you are not willing to let her be part of that closeness at Christmas time. Well you are, but only for the brief window that suits you.

Both of you need to comprise a bit more. Don't deny your fiancee time with her family just because you only want to spend a small amount of time with yours.

silverbolt

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I'd ask her what she plans to do next year when you're married? Or if you have children?

I understand Christmas is a big time for her and her family, but she is starting a new family now. My husband's family would be a bit like that in that they all go to one house on Christmas Day. About 30 of them, eating dinner off the corners of worktops and the likes! I hate it!! We did it one year and then started our own Christmas traditions, but still making sure we got to see everyone over Christmas.

Your gf is stuck in her ways, but there comes a point when you start a new family unit that compromises have to be made and that family becomes your priority. I'd, reluctantly, let her do what she decides this year. But I would definitely be laying out what you hope to happen when you get married. Will you always be expected to spend 3 days from Christmas Eve to St. Stephen' s day in her family home?

that sounds like my idea of hell as well

SarahMollie

I would urge you both to take a bit of a step back and try to gain some perspective.

Many of people are apart from their loved ones at Christmas for various reasons, maybe they're hospital workers or elsewhere in the emergency services or whatever. Maybe the geographical difference is just greater that Dublin/Kildare, which is really minimal in the grand scheme.

Whilst I'd agree that you will need to plan ahead to split time when you are married and maybe have children, this year you are both technically still single. You've a good reason for wanting to stay close to home (your Granny) but maybe your Fiance wants to spend one last full Christmas at home for her own reasons too. Did you stop to actually listen to her, or did the red mist descend!?

Myself and my OH got engaged earlier in the year, but we're still spending Christmas separately, from sometime on Christmas eve to Stephens Day. We both still feel its right to spend Christmas itself with our families, but we'll be doing other Christmasy things together in the run up to Christmas, like having drinks with friends, putting up a tree in our home, exchanging presents, going in to the city center to soak up the atmosphere The main issue is more likely to be who gets custody of the cat for the few days!

Walter H Price

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I'd ask her what she plans to do next year when you're married? Or if you have children?

I understand Christmas is a big time for her and her family, but she is starting a new family now. My husband's family would be a bit like that in that they all go to one house on Christmas Day. About 30 of them, eating dinner off the corners of worktops and the likes! I hate it!! We did it one year and then started our own Christmas traditions, but still making sure we got to see everyone over Christmas.

Your gf is stuck in her ways, but there comes a point when you start a new family unit that compromises have to be made and that family becomes your priority. I'd, reluctantly, let her do what she decides this year. But I would definitely be laying out what you hope to happen when you get married. Will you always be expected to spend 3 days from Christmas Eve to St. Stephen' s day in her family home?

That's exactly what its like loads of people in tiny houses , not for me at all. I've brought up the what about when were married or when we've kids stuff and she has said that will change it , but i don't know is this just always going to be an issue.

I've said id be more then happy to have her mam and my my over to ours any year i do the cooking so no issue , but tbh i know her mother would never come like she dosn't leave where there from has literally been in our apartment once in 2 years. but that's not my issue.

silverbolt wrote: »

Your answer to this IMO is go to your grandmothers, let her have her Xmas with her family. there will be christmas next year. But i would certainly voice your concerns. Five years together is significant.

I will point out however that eventually this pattern is going to break. What happens when you two have your own family? Married? Children? Will you spend the entire xmas traipsing from one house to the next dragging your littluns to visit all her relatives?

Yeh i get her response was a pretty natural thing just seems kinda cold though that she took advantage of that situation like she knew i didnt want to go home for christmas and was really only doing it for my nan, but she took full advantage of that and turned it into 3 days when it only needed to be one and a single overnight at most.

Not a hope i wouldn't do that to kids i don't think its fare giving them there new toys then packing them into a car for two days to be ferried between various relatives hoses , not a hope. Will make an effort to see her ma , my ma our grandparents and that's it.

bee06

Christmas is tricky. My husband and I never spent Christmas together before we got married but agreed that once we got married we would do every second year until we had kids and then reassess. The first year we had just moved into your new house so stayed there and went to my parents for dinner (which is two minutes from our house).

Then last year my dad was getting chemo and my mom was super stressed so we offered to do Christmas dinner so were with my family again.

This year it's my husbands turn I think and I'm happy to spend Christmas with his family as they are great but I will also be a bit sad to spend my first Christmas away from my family. I have a brother and sister who live abroad so Christmas is one of the few times I get to spend time with them as well so it's an added complication.

You need to sit your fiancé down and work on a compromise that works for both of you.

GingerLily

Where do you live? Logical answer is, Christmas Eve and day in one house, and Stephens day in the other, and swap around next year.

Or do Christmas eve and morning in one house and Christmas dinner and Stephens day in the other.

I'm assuming here that it's about a 1 hour drive, obviously wouldn't work if your 2 hours plus.

pookie82

Walter H Price wrote: »

Yeh i get her response was a pretty natural thing just seems kinda cold though that she took advantage of that situation like she knew i didnt want to go home for christmas and was really only doing it for my nan, but she took full advantage of that and turned it into 3 days when it only needed to be one and a single overnight at most.

You seem pretty hung up on her "taking advantage" of you. You're overreacting.

She: loves Christmas and family
You: not so much

Original Plan: Spend it together. No sacrifice for you (in fact, a better alternative to going home), sacrifice for her, who is breaking a much loved tradition of being with her family for it, but it sounds like she was happy to do it for your sake.

New Plan: You want to spend it at home after all.
She says great, she can have her few days at home too now, without rushing, and you throw a hissy fit because she's not keeping to the exact parameters you outlined.

That's silly. I can see why, if she's spending Christmas at home after all, she would want to spend most of the 3 main days there. There's nothing worse than having to get up and head off Christmas night when everyone is comatose from dinner and wine and wanting to laze in front of the tv. Likewise to Stephen's morning - most people love a lie in to sleep off the excesses of the day beforehand.

You broke the agreement to do Christmas together in your apt, so let her have an enjoyable one at home instead. You seem intent on calling all the shots and I think it's frankly bizarre you feel "taken advantage of" when you're the one who changed the plan.

Because of your decision you're now not spending Christmas together so why the weird rules about the hours leading to and from it?

I used to be in a relationship years ago (not engaged, but living together) where my OH hated xmas, and I loved it. He used to ruin it for me year after year by insisting I stay as late as possible to go home and come back as soon as possible afterwards with no regard for the fact that I loved and enjoyed this once-a-year time with my family. She'll begin to resent you for it if you don't back off.

Walter H Price

SarahMollie wrote: »

Whilst I'd agree that you will need to plan ahead to split time when you are married and maybe have children, this year you are both technically still single. You've a good reason for wanting to stay close to home (your Granny) but maybe your Fiance wants to spend one last full Christmas at home for her own reasons too. Did you stop to actually listen to her, or did the red mist descend!?

Myself and my OH got engaged earlier in the year, but we're still spending Christmas separately, from sometime on Christmas eve to Stephens Day. We both still feel its right to spend Christmas itself with our families, but we'll be doing other Christmasy things together in the run up to Christmas, like having drinks with friends, putting up a tree in our home, exchanging presents, going in to the city center to soak up the atmosphere The main issue is more likely to be who gets custody of the cat for the few days!

see we had all these converstaions last year and she was doing 1 last christmas at home then and it was all agreed no worries , but she started that again saturday and that was never the plan , from last year our plan had been a first christmas together this year as next year will be mainc with the wedding in november , honeymoon into december and the possiblity of a new house. All that change as far as i was concerned was my granny's illness getting worse a bit quicker then expect but it seemed to me that she'd gone fully off the idea of us doing christmas this year at all and if it had't been my nana shed of found a different reason.

HelgaWard wrote: »

Both of you need to comprise a bit more. Don't deny your fiancee time with her family just because you only want to spend a small amount of time with yours.

The issue here is compromise she wont prioritize a few people to see wants to see everyone and that takes forever and a day , she also prefers me not to go so that basically means 3 days up in Dublin on my Tod because i got talked into putting the cats in too, to make it easier for everyone . like my family will be doing nothing Christmas eve or stevens day and Christmas day will be over for us by like 5-6 it's beyond dull. I'd rater she started to get a little more rational about this stuff now then wait till we have kids and it become a massive let down for her , were planning on starting trying for a baby shortly after we get married next year.

Big Bag of Chips

What has happened other years? Has she gone early Christmas eve and come back late on the 26th?

The first year of breaking the tradition is always difficult, and it always feels a little bit wrong. I know I did the first year I didn't go home. But now I love Christmas day with just us and I hate the idea of anyone else coming in to our day and "ruining" it for us! Could you compromise and do 24th + 25th with your granny and family and then travel down to her to meet her on the 26th, spend the day with her family and then travel back together? It might be a bit more travelling around but Dublin to Kildare isn't hours!

That way she is getting what she wants, and you are still spending more time with her. I would start getting her used to the idea though that in the coming years things are going to change. She might not like the idea at first, but someday YOUR house will be "the home house" that everyone will be coming back to.. until they make their own lives too.

Edit: you could even travel down to see tobstat with her the night of the 25th if all is over a done in your house.

BetsyEllen

I think you sound selfish. And a bit childish.

I think it's completely reasonable and normal that she is suggesting she go early on Christmas Eve and come back on St Stephens Day.
It's her family and this happens once a year. She wants to fully enjoy her time with them, probably have a few drinks and chill out.
Christmas is not just Christmas Day, Christmas Eve and St Stephens are all a big part of it as well.

Could you not spend the 25th with your family and then go up to her St Stephens Day and have some time with her and her family?

Walter H Price

GingerLily wrote: »

Where do you live? Logical answer is, Christmas Eve and day in one house, and Stephens day in the other, and swap around next year.

Or do Christmas eve and morning in one house and Christmas dinner and Stephens day in the other.

I'm assuming here that it's about a 1 hour drive, obviously wouldn't work if your 2 hours plus.

We live in Dublin , my fols live about 20 mins from us as do my aunt and Uncle and my Grandparents , Her family live in Kildare it taes about 2 hours to get there between buses trains and taxis and shes no reliable lifts once shes down there.But we don't drive or own a car , i cant due to anxiety.

I've no interest in Christmas in her one year mine the next and i don't think she does either , my family would ruin Christmas for both of us with there bah humbug approach , don't even bother with a tree at this stage. And christmas in hers is my idea of hell loads of people in tiny houses no space to breath and plus she dosn't want me there.

So the only compromise i can see is we have it in ours invite my parents and her ma possibly her sister and mine and either they come or they don't , but tbh the only person i really want to see on Christmas other then my grandparents is her but i don't think she even nearly feels the same.

Walter H Price

BetsyEllen wrote: »

Could you not spend the 25th with your family and then go up to her St Stephens Day and have some time with her and her family?

I could but my folks do nothing christmas eve , and she dosn't really want me in Kildare so its a waste of a trip everytime i go down there

TBH im more concerned about how polls apart we are on the family stuff it crops up every now and again always leads to a row.

Kildare and the back arse of it is a fair treck from North County dublin when you dont drive.

Big Bag of Chips

Walter H Price wrote: »

christmas in hers is my idea of hell loads of people in tiny houses no space to breath and plus she dosn't want me there.

....tbh the only person i really want to see on Christmas other then my grandparents is her but i don't think she even nearly feels the same.

You need to explore this more. She obviously has a very different relationship with her family than you do. And just because she's the only person you want to see, that doesn't mean you should be the only person she wants to see. That is no reflection on your relationship, it's just she has more people she cares about than you do. In my opinion, that's healthy! Otherwise you become totally dependent on one person and it can all become a bit claustrophobic.

Are you sure she "doesn't want you there"?

I think compromise needs to be reached, by both of you. But you run the risk of using her as your crutch. It's not her job to be your sole source of companionship. And if she feels like she is then maybe she is glad of the "break". Again, this is no reflection on your relationship or how much she loves you. But if one person is sociable and close to their family and enjoys that time, and the other isn't and only wants to spend time with their partner that can become very suffocating for the partner.

You're getting married. She loves you, but she also loves her family. I think this year just see what happens. Next year as a married couple things will automatically shift. She won't want to spend Christmas away from her husband. Spending it away from he bf/fiance isn't as big a deal... To her.

pookie82

Walter H Price wrote: »

We live in Dublin , my fols live about 20 mins from us as do my aunt and Uncle and my Grandparents , Her family live in Kildare it taes about 2 hours to get there between buses trains and taxis and shes no reliable lifts once shes down there.But we don't drive or own a car , i cant due to anxiety.

Even more reason, then, to let her go and have a decent time with them.

You want her stuck on a bus, instead, for half of Christmas Eve/Stephens' Day?

I echo 100% what the above poster says ... just because YOU want to see only her, does not mean she should feel the same way. You will suffocate her with such demands. Don't be the guy who wants to alienate her from her family/limit her time with them because you don't like your own.

SarahMollie

Walter H Price wrote: »

see we had all these converstaions last year and she was doing 1 last christmas at home then and it was all agreed no worries , but she started that again saturday and that was never the plan , from last year our plan had been a first christmas together this year as next year will be mainc with the wedding in november , honeymoon into december and the possiblity of a new house. All that change as far as i was concerned was my granny's illness getting worse a bit quicker then expect but it seemed to me that she'd gone fully off the idea of us doing christmas this year at all and if it had't been my nana shed of found a different reason.



The issue here is compromise she wont prioritize a few people to see wants to see everyone and that takes forever and a day , she also prefers me not to go so that basically means 3 days up in Dublin on my Tod because i got talked into putting the cats in too, to make it easier for everyone . like my family will be doing nothing Christmas eve or stevens day and Christmas day will be over for us by like 5-6 it's beyond dull. I'd rater she started to get a little more rational about this stuff now then wait till we have kids and it become a massive let down for her , were planning on starting trying for a baby shortly after we get married next year.

Sorry Waltern, but I don't think you're getting it. You were the one who changed the plans (reason doesnt matter really) so you can't then seek to change only part of the plans because that suits you. Once they've changed, then they've changed, so she has every right to reevaluate based on what works best. Its pretty logical that rushing down last thing on Christmas eve and then back again first thing Stephens morning isnt the best use of her time.

Again, you need to gain some perspective. You won't be alone for 3 days as you've already stated you'll be spending time wtih your Granny. Maybe you should drive to Kildare on Stephens day to show some good will.

Walter H Price

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Are you sure she "doesn't want you there"?

You're getting married. She loves you, but she also loves her family. I think this year just see what happens. Next year as a married couple things will automatically shift. She won't want to spend Christmas away from her husband. Spending it away from he bf/fiance isn't as big a deal... To her.

100% sure , she's told me multiple times she'd rater i didn't go to Kildare with her and tbh i dont mind i would rather not be there anyway it's not my kinda thing.

Its not a claustrophobic thing at all we have other mates and that who we see regularly , the issue with Christmas for me is my family hate it and i love it so the only person i get to do any sort of Christmas stuff with is her , she knows that and she knew i was really looking forward to this year but she still gave up all three days so she could go visit people in KIldare , when i reluctantly had to change the plan for christmas day because of my nan , that's all i felt was unfair.

Walter H Price

SarahMollie wrote: »

Sorry Waltern, but I don't think you're getting it. You were the one who changed the plans (reason doesnt matter really) so you can't then seek to change only part of the plans because that suits you. Once they've changed, then they've changed, so she has every right to reevaluate based on what works best. Its pretty logical that rushing down last thing on Christmas eve and then back again first thing Stephens morning isnt the best use of her time.

Again, you need to gain some perspective. You won't be alone for 3 days as you've already stated you'll be spending time wtih your Granny. Maybe you should drive to Kildare on Stephens day to show some good will.

i dont drive and she dosnt want me there , so going down is not an option.

yeh 1 of the 3 days i'll be at home for a wholey uneventful Christmas i only agreed to because it could my grannys last or at least her last fully compos due to her dimensia. Christmas eve id be knocking round the aprtment and putting the kittens in the vet then going home at lik7 or 8 in the evening and probibly back home y lunch time stevens day.

GingerLily

Walter H Price wrote: »

We live in Dublin , my fols live about 20 mins from us as do my aunt and Uncle and my Grandparents , Her family live in Kildare it taes about 2 hours to get there between buses trains and taxis and shes no reliable lifts once shes down there.But we don't drive or own a car , i cant due to anxiety.

I've no interest in Christmas in her one year mine the next and i don't think she does either , my family would ruin Christmas for both of us with there bah humbug approach , don't even bother with a tree at this stage. And christmas in hers is my idea of hell loads of people in tiny houses no space to breath and plus she dosn't want me there.

So the only compromise i can see is we have it in ours invite my parents and her ma possibly her sister and mine and either they come or they don't , but tbh the only person i really want to see on Christmas other then my grandparents is her but i don't think she even nearly feels the same.

In that case I can completely see why she has no interest in going to yours, if your family don't celebrate Christmas, and you need to be with your family, and you both can't drive, then her decision makes sense. She can spend new years with your family, if Christmas isn't their thing it's not fair to make her give up Christmas just to be together.

Your about to get married, you really need to learn to compromise.

pookie82

Walter H Price wrote: »

100% sure , she's told me multiple times she'd rater i didn't go to Kildare with her and tbh i dont mind i would rather not be there anyway it's not my kinda thing.

You say you love Christmas but don't want to spend it with your family, who don't.

Then you make it clear going to hers isn't "your kind of thing" either, even though they do celebrate it whole heartedly, like you claim to love.

It's becoming very clear you want to monopolize your fiance for Christmas and have it with her, and only her, calling all the shots on who she can/can't spend time with or for how long. That's kind of controlling.

I have a feeling (again, based on my own past experience) that maybe she'd prefer to go alone to these things because you don't blend well/make an effort/sulk a little that you're not getting her to "yourself"? It's no fun visiting family with an unwilling guest.

Walter H Price

pookie82 wrote: »

You say you love Christmas but don't want to spend it with your family, who don't.

Then you make it clear going to hers isn't "your kind of thing" either, even though they do celebrate it whole heartedly, like you claim to love.

It's becoming very clear you want to monopolize your fiance for Christmas and have it with her, and only her, calling all the shots on who she can/can't spend time with or for how long. That's kind of controlling.

I have a feeling (again, based on my own past experience) that maybe she'd prefer to go alone to these things because you don't blend well/make an effort/sulk a little that you're not getting her to "yourself"? It's no fun visiting family with an unwilling guest.

As a few people mention her familys chruistmas is allot of peoples idea of hell loads of people crammed in tiny houses with nowhere to sit , no thanks.

Neither of us want to spend anytime with each others familys in general christmas is no exception so i do think the only fair compromise is that we do our own thing togheter and invite a few of them up .

This was supposed to be the first and probably only year we would get to do it on our own, that hasn't worked out becuse my granny got sicker quicker then we thought she would. at that point i did what i though was fair i didnt ask her to go to my mams because i knew she would hate it and wouldnt want to go, i told her to go ahead and go down to kildare for christmas day. But then she went and took the piss with it and decided she was going down first thing christmas eve and not back till late stevens day , which tbh i still think was kind of ****ty.

BetsyEllen

Walter H Price wrote: »

We live in Dublin , my fols live about 20 mins from us as do my aunt and Uncle and my Grandparents , Her family live in Kildare it taes about 2 hours to get there between buses trains and taxis and shes no reliable lifts once shes down there.But we don't drive or own a car , i cant due to anxiety.

OK, now I'm 100% sure you are being very selfish.

If this was my partner, I would hate the idea of them leaving their family on St Stephens Day, knowing they want to be with them, in order to sit on public transport for 2 hours. I would absolutely be telling them to stay there and arrange to come back on the 27th.
I can't believe you honestly expect her to make this journey just to keep you company?

It's not her fault your family are boring at Christmas time, why should she miss out just to make you feel better?

You have your whole lives ahead of you and many Christmases' to make your own together, for Gods sake leave her be to enjoy the ones she has left with her family.

Walter H Price wrote: »

But then she went and took the piss with it and decided she was going down first thing christmas eve and not back till late stevens day , which tbh i still think was kind of ****ty.

Also, this comment...seriously?

m'lady

Reading this I can't help but feel that you are jealous that her family celebrates Christmas and yours doesn't.
You have been reminded that you are the one that changed the arrangements, yet you are the one now having a hissy fit that she wants to be with her family for 3 days, even though by your admission she's having to 'bus it' to Kildare.
I agree with pookie, that the reason why she doesn't want you in Kildare is the sulks and moods that possibly happen- I have the same feeling.

I do agree that you both need to sort what will happen from next year on, but I certainly wouldn't be trying to force her to forget seeing her family at Christmas, Jesus (pardon the pun), is that not what Christmas is all about?
Perhaps you need to try and start making more of an effort to see her side?

Stheno

You say you are going to your parents at 7pm Christmas eve and will be back lunchtime Stephens day.

So all she is doing is spending a few hours more with her family on Christmas Eve and Stephens day.

I'm failing to see the problem here

retro:electro

Seriously, people work hard all year and are entitled to spend their Christmas exactly how they want to. Don't make her feel bad about wanting to see her family for three days around Christmas, (it's actually just 2 days)don't be that guy. You come across incredibly selfish in your post and your tone is awful. It's clear that she values Christmas more than you do anyway. All of this "you can leave here at 1pm and be back earlier than you said"' is so off putting and controlling. The girl just wants to spend a few days with her family. Stop being a douche.

retro:electro

Walter H Price wrote: »

i dont drive and she dosnt want me there , so going down is not an option.

yeh 1 of the 3 days i'll be at home for a wholey uneventful Christmas i only agreed to because it could my grannys last or at least her last fully compos due to her dimensia. Christmas eve id be knocking round the aprtment and putting the kittens in the vet then going home at lik7 or 8 in the evening and probibly back home y lunch time stevens day.

You just want her to be as miserable as you don't you? If you were my fiancé I'd be putting my bags in the car on Xmas eve and not coming back.

retro:electro

Walter H Price wrote: »

100% sure , she's told me multiple times she'd rater i didn't go to Kildare with her and tbh i dont mind i would rather not be there anyway it's not my kinda thing.

Its not a claustrophobic thing at all we have other mates and that who we see regularly , the issue with Christmas for me is my family hate it and i love it so the only person i get to do any sort of Christmas stuff with is her , she knows that and she knew i was really looking forward to this year but she still gave up all three days so she could go visit people in KIldare , when i reluctantly had to change the plan for christmas day because of my nan , that's all i felt was unfair.

Maybe spending Xmas away from her family isn't her kinda thing.

Big Bag of Chips

Walter H Price wrote: »

This was supposed to be the first and probably only year we would get to do it on our own,

If you get married and stay together you have potentially 50 years of Christmases!

Just because you plan to invite her mother to yours next Christmas doesn't mean she'll come. If their tradition is everyone goes to her mother's house then I can't see the mother changing everyone's plans just to accommodate 1 couple... Unless you are going to invite the whole gang?

I understand you're disappointed. You made plans, the plans changed. Christmas is a miserable time for you, but it's different for your gf. That's not her fault. I kinda get her preferring you didn't go with her. If you were there she wouldn't be able to relax. You have made it clear that you're not into the big crowds and loads of people crammed into the house. Fair enough. I hate that too. So if you went with her she would be in edge. She'd be preoccupied with making sure you were ok and trying to avoid situations that would stress you out and wouldn't be able to relax and do her own thing with her family.

As already said, it's not her job to be your crutch.

This year things haven't worked out as planned. Next year will be completely different.

gaynorvader

I think people are being ridiculous and unfair. As far as I can make out from your posts OP, you agreed with your OH to spend this Christmas together. Then your Nan got sick (or sicker at least) and you asked if your OH would mind if you spent Christmas with your Nan as it could be the last one, but that you'd still really love to spend Christmas Eve with your OH, which she agreed to (albeit non-enthusiastically). Now, a few weeks down the line, she's announced that she isn't going to be spending any part of the Christmas with you.

I don't think you're being selfish in asking for a few hours Christmas Eve to exchange gifts. What's her reasoning for heading down so early Christmas Eve? Is she relying on a lift? Is it a similar thing with St Stephen's Day? Can she possibly arrange to come up a few hours earlier Stephen's Day or leave a few hours later Christmas Eve so you two can exchange gifts, etc?

I wouldn't make too much of an issue about this as it's a once off thing, maybe next year you can have Christmas at home and invite some of your family, then the next year go with her to her parents?

GingerLily

gaynorvader wrote: »

I think people are being ridiculous and unfair. As far as I can make out from your posts OP, you agreed with your OH to spend this Christmas together. Then your Nan got sick (or sicker at least) and you asked if your OH would mind if you spent Christmas with your Nan as it could be the last one, but that you'd still really love to spend Christmas Eve with your OH, which she agreed to (albeit non-enthusiastically). Now, a few weeks down the line, she's announced that she isn't going to be spending any part of the Christmas with you.

I don't think you're being selfish in asking for a few hours Christmas Eve to exchange gifts. What's her reasoning for heading down so early Christmas Eve? Is she relying on a lift? Is it a similar thing with St Stephen's Day? Can she possibly arrange to come up a few hours earlier Stephen's Day or leave a few hours later Christmas Eve so you two can exchange gifts, etc?

I wouldn't make too much of an issue about this as it's a once off thing, maybe next year you can have Christmas at home and invite some of your family, then the next year go with her to her parents?

There are no cars so she needs to use public transport.

His family also essentially don't celebrate Christmas also.

gaynorvader

GingerLily wrote: »

There are no cars so she needs to use public transport.

His family also essentially don't celebrate Christmas also.

Public transport is certainly available after 8am Christmas Eve, but I meant on the other end, perhaps she's being picked up from the bus stop.

I got the impression OP's family celebrate the day, but not the big blowout OP would like to have, so they might go to dinner on the day.

Walter H Price

gaynorvader wrote: »

I think people are being ridiculous and unfair. As far as I can make out from your posts OP, you agreed with your OH to spend this Christmas together. Then your Nan got sick (or sicker at least) and you asked if your OH would mind if you spent Christmas with your Nan as it could be the last one, but that you'd still really love to spend Christmas Eve with your OH, which she agreed to (albeit non-enthusiastically). Now, a few weeks down the line, she's announced that she isn't going to be spending any part of the Christmas with you.

I don't think you're being selfish in asking for a few hours Christmas Eve to exchange gifts. What's her reasoning for heading down so early Christmas Eve? Is she relying on a lift? Is it a similar thing with St Stephen's Day? Can she possibly arrange to come up a few hours earlier Stephen's Day or leave a few hours later Christmas Eve so you two can exchange gifts, etc?

I wouldn't make too much of an issue about this as it's a once off thing, maybe next year you can have Christmas at home and invite some of your family, then the next year go with her to her parents?

Thank's i think that was really my main point like , this had been agreed and it changed due to my na's illness progressing.

There was no perticuular reason for her going down earlier or coming back later other then she wanted to see absolutly everyone and sh has like 10 Aunts and Uncles , i just felt i was a bit unfair to be honest given she could have gone down later and we actualy could of had some of christmas together like we agreed.

I don't want her to be miserable at all i just dont know why she cant be happy to split christmas a bit this year given we had agreed to spend it together entirely and she knows how ****ty am feeling about nan's situation as is. i just thought it was a bit cold on her part.

Maybe it was selfish but i didn't think so. And i was concerned a bit by how quick she was to just ditch our plans for her family again , like i do have a sinking feeling this will be every year. but will wait and see i guess.

osarusan

With siblings that live abroad, my family has sometimes 'put off' Christmas Day until we could all be together - we might have had Christmas Day on Dec 28th or something like that - save the big meal and the presents until then.

Would that be a possibility?

cactusgal

I can see both sides here. I do agree partly with posters who are telling you to let her off to enjoy her time with her family, especially given the public transport issue.
But.
I can see why you're upset. Unfortunately, in my experience, people (even partners/close friends) don't actually care that much if you have a sick relative at Christmastime - they are more concerned with enjoying Christmas with their own families and you're left to deal with your family on your own terms. My mother has has Alzheimer's since I was in my early 20s. For both me and my brother, Christmas is a time to spend with our family, but it's difficult (moreso in the past, when the disease was developing - maybe at the stage where your nana is). Sadly, I have found that people may express borderline interest, but do very little to help you out on the holidays.
That's my experience. Other people may be different. But I can see echoes of my friends/OH's behaviour at Christmas in what you're describing, and all I can offer is my sympathy towards you and your family over your grandmother and just say that at Christmas, people tend to only think of their own families. It's hurtful, but I've gotten over it at this point, and just really focus on my own family and this time of year and expect very, very little from others.

Walter H Price

pookie82 wrote: »

Even more reason, then, to let her go and have a decent time with them.

You want her stuck on a bus, instead, for half of Christmas Eve/Stephens' Day?

I echo 100% what the above poster says ... just because YOU want to see only her, does not mean she should feel the same way. You will suffocate her with such demands. Don't be the guy who wants to alienate her from her family/limit her time with them because you don't like your own.

Shes gunna be on the buses anyway, wether she goes down first thing in the morning or at 4 or 5 in the evening.So i dont see how that makes any diffrence.

all it would mean would be if she went first thing we get no time together christmas eve where as if she goes at 5 we get to do presents and have dinner and a good chunk of the day.

I honestly don't see the issue or you're point to be honest.

Walter H Price

osarusan wrote: »

With siblings that live abroad, my family has sometimes 'put off' Christmas Day until we could all be together - we might have had Christmas Day on Dec 28th or something like that - save the big meal and the presents until then.

Would that be a possibility?

We've donr that every other year and to be honest it's bin grand , but this year we had specifcly agreed to do actual christmas together given next years will be manic between getting married the honeymoon and possibly moving house.

No one is away were both here we can honsetly see our familys at anystage for a few hours , the ony reason that plan change at all was that my gran got sicker and i didnt think it was fair asking her to do christmas day in my Ma's cause it sh!t , but she kinda took advantage of that a bit and that's what annoyed me i suppose.

cactusgal wrote: »

I can see both sides here. I do agree partly with posters who are telling you to let her off to enjoy her time with her family, especially given the public transport issue.
But.
I can see why you're upset. Unfortunately, in my experience, people (even partners/close friends) don't actually care that much if you have a sick relative at Christmastime - they are more concerned with enjoying Christmas with their own families and you're left to deal with your family on your own terms. My mother has has Alzheimer's since I was in my early 20s. For both me and my brother, Christmas is a time to spend with our family, but it's difficult (moreso in the past, when the disease was developing - maybe at the stage where your nana is). Sadly, I have found that people may express borderline interest, but do very little to help you out on the holidays.
That's my experience. Other people may be different. But I can see echoes of my friends/OH's behaviour at Christmas in what you're describing, and all I can offer is my sympathy towards you and your family over your grandmother and just say that at Christmas, people tend to only think of their own families. It's hurtful, but I've gotten over it at this point, and just really focus on my own family and this time of year and expect very, very little from others.

Yeh i 100% get where your coming from , and thanks for the kind words. like i sai i dont enjoy goin to my mams for chritmas but i know id hae major regrets if this was my last christmas with my nan and i wasnt there.

Walter H Price

Walter H Price wrote: »

Neither of us want to spend anytime with each others familys in general christmas is no exception so i do think the only fair compromise is that we do our own thing togheter and invite a few of them up

That's no compromise. Your "solution" is that you get what you want and she loses something very important to her, can't understand how you can't see that and I hope she digs her heels in here.

osarusan wrote: »

With siblings that live abroad, my family has sometimes 'put off' Christmas Day until we could all be together - we might have had Christmas Day on Dec 28th or something like that - save the big meal and the presents until then. Would that be a possibility?

Walter H Price wrote: »

We've done that every other year and to be honest it's bin grand

So you've no problem with celebrating Christmas the two of you on a different day but you're creating this drama because this year didn't go according to your (amended) plan.

And, to be honest, you seem to have quite a low opinion of your fiancé and her motives.

Wile E. Coyote

Oh how I used to love this time of year. The annual 'So what are you doing for Christmas this year?' that would start in September from both families. The knot in my stomach when it was asked, not wanting to disappoint anyone but knowing she only wanted to spend it with hers and there would be little or no compromise. Fun times.....

It seems to me OP that she only agreed to Christmas at home to please you and it's not really what she wanted. It's understandable though, you're attempting to break a 20+ year tradition. Thats never going to be easy.

You both have very different expectations on what this Christmas should be about. For you it's spending the time alone with her because your family doesn't celebrate it. For her it's family. Nothing good can come from you trying to keep her away from her family, especially at Christmas.

You both need to learn to compromise more. Dictating when she goes and when she comes back isn't compromising. Likewise neither is leaving first thing on Christmas eve morning and not arriving home till late on St Stephens night (unless it's due to a shortage of public transport on these days). She should be more considerate when it comes to your nan but I think you need to make more of an effort with her family. Like it or not you're going to marry her so they're going to be in your life for a long time and she will want to see them around Christmas.

And don't think that having kids once you're married will change this and you're going to get your dream Christmas at home with them on your own. Your wife to be is used to and has happy memories of big Christmases celebrated with aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. She's going to want your kids to experience the same thing.

meeeeh

Op, I suspect you are reacting so harshly because you were hoping to spend Christmas in some idyllic way. Ignoring the fact that Christmas is never as idyllic as we imagine, I am afraid you will just have to adapt and make the best of it. Also your gf lives further away from family so Christmas is ideal situation for her to see everyone and get a lift to different people she wasn't to visit.

My advice won't make a difference this year but eventually one of you should learn to drive or you will always have trouble organizing things.

blairbear

OP, you sound like a sulky teenager. Although I know many teenagers who would be more insightful than you.

I have had to work many Christmas days and in fact have spent Christmas on my own (when work is over) for the last three years. And yeah, it's fairly miserable. I love Christmas and love Christmas at home so much. You need to embrace the hand you have been dealt this year. Do you know how many old people barely get a visitor on Christmas Day? A huge amount. I think you need to look at this differently and appreciate the opportunity you have to spend time with your granny. You say your family have a "bah humbug" attitude. So do you! The derision with which you refer to your gf and her plans is palpable.

Public transport is bloody freezing! And it's colder going into the evening. So it'd be much nicer for her to go early on Xmas Eve. A huge amount of trains and buses don't run on Stephens' Day so it will be hard for her to co-ordinate her journey. Why do you want her to do exactly what YOU want for Christmas? She'll miss out on a lot of family time to make you happy. And by the sounds of things, you'll still be giving out to her.

Also, try using predictive text if on your phone or spellcheck if on a computer. The awful spelling and grammar makes your posts quite the challenge to wade through and decipher.

Walter H Price

blairbear wrote: »

OP, you sound like a sulky teenager. Although I know many teenagers who would be more insightful than you.

I have had to work many Christmas days and in fact have spent Christmas on my own (when work is over) for the last three years. And yeah, it's fairly miserable. I love Christmas and love Christmas at home so much. You need to embrace the hand you have been dealt this year. Do you know how many old people barely get a visitor on Christmas Day? A huge amount. I think you need to look at this differently and appreciate the opportunity you have to spend time with your granny. You say your family have a "bah humbug" attitude. So do you! The derision with which you refer to your gf and her plans is palpable.

Public transport is bloody freezing! And it's colder going into the evening. So it'd be much nicer for her to go early on Xmas Eve. A huge amount of trains and buses don't run on Stephens' Day so it will be hard for her to co-ordinate her journey. Why do you want her to do exactly what YOU want for Christmas? She'll miss out on a lot of family time to make you happy. And by the sounds of things, you'll still be giving out to her.

Also, try using predictive text if on your phone or spellcheck if on a computer. The awful spelling and grammar makes your posts quite the challenge to wade through and decipher.

we dont work ever around christmas so thats not an issue, apples and oranges really . I'm not being sulky at all i was just a bit miffed she ditched our plans so readily.

Her bus runs both days so no issue there and its on the hour every hour so again plenty of options , its a proper coach and unavoidable , she has to do it at some stage literally the only diffence was that if she went at 8 we had none of christmas eve if she went in the mid afternoon we had half the day , same with coming back up stevens day im not talking bout here leaving down there at like 7 in the morning or something im saying 3 or 4 in the afternoon.

Apologies if the spelling and grammar offends I'm dyslexic but i'll try extra hard just for you

Walter H Price

Deleted User wrote: »

That's no compromise. Your "solution" is that you get what you want and she loses something very important to her, can't understand how you can't see that and I hope she digs her heels in here.





So you've no problem with celebrating Christmas the two of you on a different day but you're creating this drama because this year didn't go according to your (amended) plan.

And, to be honest, you seem to have quite a low opinion of your fiancé and her motives.

Dont see how its not a compromise she dosn't want to spend time with my family , i don't want to spend time with hers for different reasons but same end result. Surely whats fair is we do something together and invite both immediate familys , or split the time .

I have a lot of respect for my fience and love her very much , i just thinks she's been a bit harsh in this perticualr circumstance. i would rather do christmas on christmas given were both here again the situation where people are abroad or whatever is apples and oranges here.

BetsyEllen

Walter H Price wrote: »

Her bus runs both days so no issue there and its on the hour every hour so again plenty of options , its a proper coach and unavoidable , she has to do it at some stage literally the only diffence was that if she went at 8 we had none of christmas eve if she went in the mid afternoon we had half the day , same with coming back up stevens day im not talking bout here leaving down there at like 7 in the morning or something im saying 3 or 4 in the afternoon.

If she leaves at 4pm in the afternoon she'll be home at 6pm. She's said she'll be home at 8pm. 2 hours OP...

I also think you're missing the point about the buses running all day on Christmas Eve but she wants to go in the morning.

Christmas Eve is fun. Everyone is excited, preparing food, getting in the Christmas spirit. She wants to be a part of that.

You've already said she has lots of Aunts and Uncles and wants to see them all, which is part of her reasoning for going down early.

A lot of days I hate being single and really wish I had a partner. Then I read a thread like this and remember that actually - single life is not so bad!

pookie82

I actually see no advantage whatsoever to this thread, OP. Countless replies later and every additional comment you make repeats that she's "taking advantage" and "taking the piss" as if you haven't moved an inch from your mindset at the time of writing the original post. The way you even speak about her is really churlish and sulky. You sound needy and demanding, tbh.

You're obsessed with the idea she has slyly "gotten one over on you" or something. You don't want to listen to the other side.

Why did you bother writing here?

blairbear

Walter,

You came on here asking for advice and opinions. We are giving you both. You simply refute all posts that aren't palatable to you or that don't support your view.

The only way she will be spending as much time as you want with you over Xmas will be under duress. Do you really want this?

Giving examples of people working over Christmas or being abroad is not irrelevant; posters are trying to empathise and express how other similar scenarios have worked out.

You aren't seeing it from her point of view at all. I have enormous sympathy for her.

Walter H Price

BetsyEllen wrote: »

If she leaves at 4pm in the afternoon she'll be home at 6pm. She's said she'll be home at 8pm. 2 hours OP...

I also think you're missing the point about the buses running all day on Christmas Eve but she wants to go in the morning.

Christmas Eve is fun. Everyone is excited, preparing food, getting in the Christmas spirit. She wants to be a part of that.

You've already said she has lots of Aunts and Uncles and wants to see them all, which is part of her reasoning for going down early.

A lot of days I hate being single and really wish I had a partner. Then I read a thread like this and remember that actually - single life is not so bad!

be a little shorter then 2 hours for her coming back up a because i'd be picking her up from the airport so probibly and hour and 15 is you take out getting a bus from ours to the airport or vice versa.

Yeh ok christmas eve is fun i get your point but i would say getting up with your fience going for breakfast doing presents going into town and soaking up a bit of the atmosphere getting a hot choclate all that jazz is just as fun or at least should be just as fun as sitting in your ma's or your aunties drinkin tea for hours. she dosn't cook so doubt shed be involved there. So yeh im a bit pissed off that she was prepared to give up our fun stuff on christmas eve to spend more time with peiople shes gunna see when she gets down , christmas day and some of steves day.

Walter H Price

blairbear wrote: »

Walter,

You came on here asking for advice and opinions. We are giving you both. You simply refute all posts that aren't palatable to you or that don't support your view.

The only way she will be spending as much time as you want with you over Xmas will be under duress. Do you really want this?

Giving examples of people working over Christmas or being abroad is not irrelevant; posters are trying to empathise and express how other similar scenarios have worked out.

You aren't seeing it from her point of view at all. I have enormous sympathy for her.

I see her point i honestly do i just don't get how its more important than what we'd agreed and tbh i never will.

I think allot of the posts have been a bit unfair i'm not controlling , or selfish , i do have allot of love and respect for her , i want to spend time with her , i want her to enjoy Christmas. It would just be nice if she could equally enjoy spending some part of it with me like we had agreed to. i don't think i'm out of line being a bit disappointed shes scrapped basically everything we could have done and had talked about doing , i really honestly don't.

To be honest i really haven't found most of the replies in here helpful at all , most were just accusatory some were down right derogatory and to be honest if i could delete the thread i would as it is i think i may un-follow now at this point.

BetsyEllen

Walter H Price wrote: »

be a little shorter then 2 hours for her coming back up a because i'd be picking her up from the airport so probibly and hour and 15 is you take out getting a bus from ours to the airport or vice versa.

Yeh ok christmas eve is fun i get your point but i would say getting up with your fience going for breakfast doing presents going into town and soaking up a bit of the atmosphere getting a hot choclate all that jazz is just as fun or at least should be just as fun as sitting in your ma's or your aunties drinkin tea for hours. she dosn't cook so doubt shed be involved there. So yeh im a bit pissed off that she was prepared to give up our fun stuff on christmas eve to spend more time with peiople shes gunna see when she gets down , christmas day and some of steves day.

2 hours 45 minutes then.
And you're picking her up from the airport now? What...you said earlier it's all public transport as you don't drive due to anxiety??

And actually yeah, I would rather sit in my Mum's drinking tea on Christmas Eve with my family than go out and about with a boyfriend for breakfast or a hot chocolate. You can do that on any normal weekend of the year, it's hardly a novelty! You live together, you get to do this stuff whenever you want.

I think the issue here is that Christmas has always been crap for you with your own family so you have no idea how fun it can be to actually sit on your Mum's sofa drinking tea with your siblings/Aunts/Uncles having the craic with cheesy Christmas music in the background.
It's a great feeling, happens once a year and is something I wouldn't want to miss out on for the sake of going out for breakfast with the person I see every day.

pookie82

Walter H Price wrote: »

I see her point i honestly do i just don't get how its more important than what we'd agreed and tbh i never will.

Then, yet again, there was no point in posting here and wasting everyone's time.