How have I ended up here

savemefrom

As a young man I hardly drank. No event needed me to get tanked up. I always liked a bet, so have a bit of an addictive personality and being shy, I suppose I preferred to have a bet on my own rather than sit in a social group in a pub. Ended up with a well paid, but stressful job. Started buying the odd bottle of wine on the way home but could never drink more than half. I would often pour drink down the sink.

Moved on from job and new one ended in company going out of business in the recession. Over time, I became someone who could easily drink a bottle of wine a night, and great at making excuses to have my last ever bottle the next night. But tomorrow never comes or rather the quitting never comes. I never drink to black out, but realise what I am doing is too much and affecting my health.

I find myself in a job in my 50s which pays me a basic trainee rate, I see no hope of getting a better job due to ageism. I sit and procrastinate in work and get behind and in a state, not sure if drink is contributing to this. I drink more to escape the thoughts of work.

Giving up the job would be a relief, but financial commitments have me trapped. I feel like I am existing rather than living and can see no light at the end of the tunnel.

I haven’t drank few 2 days..going to see if that can help me think clearer. I need any support/help/thoughts/ideas from the good folks on here.

The flying mouse

Hi savemefrom and welcome, If you came here to try and stop drinking, you have come to right place, Your not alone here as were all in the same boat so can relate to what your going through, keep posting and sharing also here a few support groups that might interest you, as if your trying to stop drinking alcohol you wont do it by yourself, good luck

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057658188

savemefrom

Mouse,

Thanks, I have read a lot on here over the years, and decided to take the plunge and join in.

7 pm onwards is often the worst. My brain forgets the morning pain. I watch the clock tick on to 10pm, will I won't I give myself a "treat" ? just one more before I give it up?

Last night I resisted..another day done and sitting with a cup of tea and clear head this morning.

The flying mouse

savemefrom wrote: »

Mouse,

Thanks, I have read a lot on here over the years, and decided to take the plunge and join in.

7 pm onwards is often the worst. My brain forgets the morning pain. I watch the clock tick on to 10pm, will I won't I give myself a "treat" ? just one more before I give it up?

Last night I resisted..another day done and sitting with a cup of tea and clear head this morning.

Well taking it one day at a time helps, But just resisting is bound to fail, If serious in stopping you have to put a plan into action that keeps you occupied in your witching hours.

Any old hobbies that you have left behind ? Are you into fitness ? movies ? cooking ? Getting out for a walk during them hours your feel vulnerable ? Even go to a local AA meeting, nothing to loose and everything to gain.

There's no miracles in this fight and it is hard, but it can be done. good luck and keep posting and sharing.:cool:

peckerhead

savemefrom wrote: »

Last night I resisted..another day done and sitting with a cup of tea and clear head this morning.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, OP. I'm your age and breaking any long-ingrained habit is hard, never mind something as tricky as drink. But every single day that you make it to bed without having picked up is a huge achievement, no matter how small it might appear now. Just hang in there.

And thanks for posting here. I know exactly what it feels like to drink to escape/blot out feelings of being 'trapped', but I haven't had to do it for a while now, thankfully.

aabarnes1

Hi savemefrom I do hope you are in a slightly better place today.

I can tell you how I coped in the early days of stopping drinking.
I had tried, unsuccessfully, many times to quit, limit or change my drinking as it was causing me more and more trouble.Every time I drank, my condition progressively got worse and worse If I am truthful, the drink actually stopped working for me. I was drinking about 10 to 14 pints and a bottle and a half of vodka a day, from 7 in the morning until I collapsed at some point early in the evening. The black hole in my head and the 'washing machine effect' of crazy thoughts just escalated and had me in a place I felt I could not escape from unless I had a drink, but the drink didn't work. yes, I did consider alternatives, but tbh, I am too selfish.As my behaviour worsened and my drinking blackouts more frequent I felt I was nearing the end. I was broken, beaten, done.
With the help of a friend and my wife, we decided to go to my doctor, he already new I was a problem drinker but had never seen me in this state.
He gave my wife a weeks supply of Librium to wean me off and help me cope with the withdrawals of alcohol and suggested rehab and AA. As I had already tried every conceivable method to drink like a normal person, I had to admit to my self that I was beaten, I had to accept that I was powerless over alcohol in all it's form and guises.
So after a week I attended an AA meeting in Dublin, there was a mix of ages of men and women who shared a common problem. I listened to what they shared and could identify with almost all of them in the room. One particular guy shared a story that was almost a carbon copy of my life, I thought I was unique!!, I thought nobody would understand me, nobody would feel the way I do, no body had the problems I had. But they did. Nearly all of them had exactly the same way of mad thinking as me, especially when it came to justifying the first drink or feeling sorry for myself. I went on then to Sr Concillios in Athenry for 3 months in to rehab.
Although I felt a void, like a hole in a doughnut inside me initially after stopping drinking, I took up swimming again and cooking at home, to fill some of the time. I changed my job at 49, easily I might add. But most importantly I kept going back to AA, and still do obviously, and my life, my thinking and my health (mental,spiritual and physical) has improved beyond my dreams.
I feel part of something now, I don't feel different anymore. My self esteem which was once lower than a snakes belly, has shot through the roof and all the irrational fear I used to suffer has basically gone. My life is not perfect, but it is manageable on a daily basis, thanks to AA.
It took me a couple of times to eventually quit and get to where I am now, in fact I really struggled in the beginning. But I had nowhere else to go, except insane or dead, so it wasn't a hard decision for me in the end. My journey is exactly that, it's mine. But I only achieved it by listening to people like me and others who had suffered, who were willing to share their experience, hope and strength.
There is a wonderful sober life waiting for you friend, I hope you find it soon. God bless you.

The flying mouse

aabarnes1 wrote: »

Hi savemefrom I do hope you are in a slightly better place today.

I can tell you how I coped in the early days of stopping drinking.
I had tried, unsuccessfully, many times to quit, limit or change my drinking as it was causing me more and more trouble.Every time I drank, my condition progressively got worse and worse If I am truthful, the drink actually stopped working for me. I was drinking about 10 to 14 pints and a bottle and a half of vodka a day, from 7 in the morning until I collapsed at some point early in the evening. The black hole in my head and the 'washing machine effect' of crazy thoughts just escalated and had me in a place I felt I could not escape from unless I had a drink, but the drink didn't work. yes, I did consider alternatives, but tbh, I am too selfish.As my behaviour worsened and my drinking blackouts more frequent I felt I was nearing the end. I was broken, beaten, done.
With the help of a friend and my wife, we decided to go to my doctor, he already new I was a problem drinker but had never seen me in this state.
He gave my wife a weeks supply of Librium to wean me off and help me cope with the withdrawals of alcohol and suggested rehab and AA. As I had already tried every conceivable method to drink like a normal person, I had to admit to my self that I was beaten, I had to accept that I was powerless over alcohol in all it's form and guises.
So after a week I attended an AA meeting in Dublin, there was a mix of ages of men and women who shared a common problem. I listened to what they shared and could identify with almost all of them in the room. One particular guy shared a story that was almost a carbon copy of my life, I thought I was unique!!, I thought nobody would understand me, nobody would feel the way I do, no body had the problems I had. But they did. Nearly all of them had exactly the same way of mad thinking as me, especially when it came to justifying the first drink or feeling sorry for myself. I went on then to Sr Concillios in Athenry for 3 months in to rehab.
Although I felt a void, like a hole in a doughnut inside me initially after stopping drinking, I took up swimming again and cooking at home, to fill some of the time. I changed my job at 49, easily I might add. But most importantly I kept going back to AA, and still do obviously, and my life, my thinking and my health (mental,spiritual and physical) has improved beyond my dreams.
I feel part of something now, I don't feel different anymore. My self esteem which was once lower than a snakes belly, has shot through the roof and all the irrational fear I used to suffer has basically gone. My life is not perfect, but it is manageable on a daily basis, thanks to AA.
It took me a couple of times to eventually quit and get to where I am now, in fact I really struggled in the beginning. But I had nowhere else to go, except insane or dead, so it wasn't a hard decision for me in the end. My journey is exactly that, it's mine. But I only achieved it by listening to people like me and others who had suffered, who were willing to share their experience, hope and strength.
There is a wonderful sober life waiting for you friend, I hope you find it soon. God bless you.

Powerfull post there aabarnes, thank you.

savemefrom

Thanks for all the replies. I will respond to them all shortly. Just a quick update . Clear head and another day done. Aabarnes, i didnt reach that extreme but realised i could. My new worst habit was when choosing the wine, i wasnt looking at the quality but turning the bottle around to check it was 13.5 percent at least

savemefrom

Today in work I stood up to a situation where I felt I was being put down. Maybe a hungover me wouldn't have.

Tonight I felt thirsty, and my brain said go get wine or beer to quench the thirst. Funny how much your brain becomes taken over, especially given that alcohol dehydrates. I had some bottle water I bought at lunchtime instead.

Another day survived. My one thought today was how much drinking turns you into a liar. I want the honest me back that my family can be proud of.

Suggestions of hobbies, walking and learning to swim are on my agenda to fill the void. I have some unfinished educational qualification to complete (don't care if I'm the oldest amongst the shiny new students that they put on the brochures). Time for action.

Thanks to all who post on this forum.

aabarnes1

You are right about the 'thirst'.

Sometimes our mind can trick us into thinking a genuine thirst is a need for a drink(of alcohol). We obviously get thirsty for a reason, but we certainly don't need alcohol in shape or form to alleviate that thirst.
If you nee something fizzy, try a Berocca with a slice of lemon and ice in sparkling water, that'll do the trick.
Dishonesty and selfishness are at the very core of our drinking, and we have to remind ourselves to be rid of these defects on a daily basis.
It would appear from your post that you are giving it a go, so keep it up. Easy does it and remember don't try to fix everything today.

eamor

savemefrom wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. I will respond to them all shortly. Just a quick update . Clear head and another day done. Aabarnes, i didnt reach that extreme but realised i could. My new worst habit was when choosing the wine, i wasnt looking at the quality but turning the bottle around to check it was 13.5 percent at least[/QUOTE

That made me shudder....I could have typed those words myself. After a while I was buying 2 of those because I bottle just wasn't enough. My last bottle of wine, I drank it like normal people drink Tea. I was convinced the 13.5 % was a mislabel. Thank god I found AA

savemefrom

So, how have I ended up here?

the "here" being drinking too much, as opposed to Boards.

Not sure which came first, the low self-esteem or the drinking. While I have moments of strong self belief, more often than not, I dwell on the things that have gone wrong, beating myself up over the one thing that maybe went wrong and forgetting all the good.

The down feeling after a night's drinking always made things worse, but will abstaining alone, be the solution. Suspect I need to grow in other ways.

But one step at a time. Another day minus drink thankfully. I declared I was giving it a break until Christmas, but feel I really want to make this a permanent choice. I know going visiting at xmas, people will push the xmas "cheer" my way, but one day at a time, that's a battle for down the road.

Posting here has definitely helped me stay strong so far.

Going forward, not sure if I should keep on posting in this thread or post my daily updates in the "haven't touched a drop in" thread. Maybe a Mod could advise.

The flying mouse

savemefrom wrote: »

So, how have I ended up here?

the "here" being drinking too much, as opposed to Boards.

Not sure which came first, the low self-esteem or the drinking. While I have moments of strong self belief, more often than not, I dwell on the things that have gone wrong, beating myself up over the one thing that maybe went wrong and forgetting all the good.

The down feeling after a night's drinking always made things worse, but will abstaining alone, be the solution. Suspect I need to grow in other ways.

But one step at a time. Another day minus drink thankfully. I declared I was giving it a break until Christmas, but feel I really want to make this a permanent choice. I know going visiting at xmas, people will push the xmas "cheer" my way, but one day at a time, that's a battle for down the road.

Posting here has definitely helped me stay strong so far.

Going forward, not sure if I should keep on posting in this thread or post my daily updates in the "haven't touched a drop in" thread. Maybe a Mod could advise.

You IMO can still post your journey and updates here as this is your story, and when you reach a milestone post it to in other thread,You seemed to be well focused on your sobriety and yes deal with the other issues near the time, having excuses or plan in place around Christmas is a must . Good luck

savemefrom

Another day without and it has not been on my mind. Stomach a bit off the last two days but i do suffer from food allergies. Pressure period in work and feeling tired and exhausted and subsequently a bit down. It will pass. Must tackle the work priorities i have been putting off.

The flying mouse

savemefrom wrote: »

Another day without and it has not been on my mind. Stomach a bit off the last two days but i do suffer from food allergies. Pressure period in work and feeling tired and exhausted and subsequently a bit down. It will pass. Must tackle the work priorities i have been putting off.

Being irritable and discontent is also part of the recovery, sure its only natural that your mind and body is fighting the massive changes going on in your everyday life, there screaming what the **** is happening here where's me beer.
It will pass and things will get better.

savemefrom

The flying mouse wrote: »

Being irritable and discontent is also part of the recovery, sure its only natural that your mind and body is fighting the massive changes going on in your everyday life, there screaming what the **** is happening here where's me beer.
It will pass and things will get better.

Thanks Mr Mouse,

I have cut out sugar and carbs at the same time, so one week in I think I've suffered an energy slump, from the change, sitting here falling asleep in the chair, but keeping the bigger picture in mind.

I will survive today without drink, posting here is keeping me honest to my commitment, so far so go. Not underestimating the long road ahead.


A change of job would be a huge boost. Having said that, for whatever reason, be it low self-esteem etc, I have read job specs and not sent my cv off anywhere. It's like the lotto, you can't have a chance to win if you don't buy the ticket. Need to be a more proactive.

aabarnes1

When first stopping drinking, most residential rehab centres advise on drinking sugary drinks and having chocolate/biscuits close by as the sugar levels drop once we stop drinking alcohol and the subsequent low can give us a false sense of a 'need' for a drink.
It was certainly the case with me.
I would advise you concentrate on one thing at a time, don't try to fix everything at once.
Give time.... time.
Easy does it.
Just ask for help in the morning, read some relevant literature and try to do something you wouldn't normally do.

savemefrom

aabarnes1 wrote: »

When first stopping drinking, most residential rehab centres advise on drinking sugary drinks and having chocolate/biscuits close by as the sugar levels drop once we stop drinking alcohol and the subsequent low can give us a false sense of a 'need' for a drink.
It was certainly the case with me.
I would advise you concentrate on one thing at a time, don't try to fix everything at once.
Give time.... time.
Easy does it.
Just ask for help in the morning, read some relevant literature and try to do something you wouldn't normally do.

Thanks, I was just sitting here thinking the same.

savemefrom

Survived passed the danger point, another night done.

Someone in the house brought in a bottle of wine and sat beside me drinking it.

I think if they had of immediately offered me a glass I might have said yes. Half an hour later, I was sitting there confident I would say no if offered then.

The impulsive compulsive response I need to avoid. That feeling can pass if I pause to think.

Not much traffic passing through here, so going to cut back to a weekly post at most and use the "haven't touch a drop..." thread going forward.

Thanks for all the comments.

The flying mouse

Hi Savemefrom,

This is your thread where your putting your thoughts & progress or not here, You wont get to much traffic coming here, It great for reading back on in your push to move forward.


What are you doing to help you stop ? Are you going to any of the fellowships around ? any plans in place for when situations like above happen again, as they sure will ?

aabarnes1

The flying mouse wrote: »

Hi Savemefrom,

This is your thread where your putting your thoughts & progress or not here, You wont get to much traffic coming here, It great for reading back on in your push to move forward.


What are you doing to help you stop ? Are you going to any of the fellowships around ? any plans in place for when situations like above happen again, as they sure will ?

Personally, I would try to avoid situations where people are consuming alcohol around me in the early days, not always possible I understand, but usually do-able.

As mouse says, we have to take action, just putting down the drink will not KEEP us sober, we have to go further.
I found it not too difficult to stop in the beginning, however I could never stay stopped. I din't look at the reasons WHY I drank or what triggered me, consequently I was lead back to the bottle.
Thankfully that is not the case today, but I had to work at it.

savemefrom

aabarnes1 wrote: »

Personally, I would try to avoid situations where people are consuming alcohol around me in the early days, not always possible I understand, but usually do-able.

As mouse says, we have to take action, just putting down the drink will not KEEP us sober,we have to go further.
I found it not too difficult to stop in the beginning, however I could never stay stopped. I din't look at the reasons WHY I drank or what triggered me, consequently I was lead back to the bottle.
Thankfully that is not the case today, but I had to work at it.

It might sound surprising, but the number of times I would end up in a pub in a year, you could probably count on one hand. And even on them occasions, I would be a "normal" social drinker only, calling it a day after 2 or 3 pints. Typically, I might go for a meal with herself and have a couple of drinks only and leave feeling too full for anymore.

I've never been out of control in a social situation or wanted to drink to that extent. Luckily, perhaps, I feel too full after 3 pints, a light weight some might say.

My drinking habit of late, they has made me stop and think, is drinking at home of an evening, which was becoming more frequent. And the amount of wine was creeping up from half a bottle to a full bottle and then a bottle with 2 strong cans of cider. Enough to leave me feeling rotten in the morning.

So its become a habit that I want to nip in the bud. Boredom and stress are factors that I must find a different way to deal with.

The situation I referred to in the previous post of a person in the house with the bottle of wine in front of me, was a (adult) child of mine. It made me think further, that they are only mimicking what they see me as their Peer, doing. Another reason to stop, and lead by example. I want their memory of me, when my time is up to be a positive one, and not the one I might leave it I don't choose to change.

The thing with wine, you can be almost broke the day before pay day, but for €3.99 get a bottle of wine in Aldi. I was starting to scrape the coppers together of some wednesdays, that's a bit low when I look back. But 11 days without any drink, I'm looking at things with a more normal mind. The start of of a long road, that I am not under estimating.

savemefrom

I feel so feckin irritable tonight. I almost cracked.

I'm thinking about something in work that I have to complete and anticipating a bad clash with the boss over it. Maybe, I was looking for wine tonight to escape this feeling, or, maybe it's part of the withdrawal, or a bit of both.

Pass the hour of danger, will head off to bed now and hope I find the strength to tackle, rather that avoid my work fears tomorrow.

eamor

savemefrom wrote: »

I feel so feckin irritable tonight. I almost cracked.

I'm thinking about something in work that I have to complete and anticipating a bad clash with the boss over it. Maybe, I was looking for wine tonight to escape this feeling, or, maybe it's part of the withdrawal, or a bit of both.

Pass the hour of danger, will head off to bed now and hope I find the strength to tackle, rather that avoid my work fears tomorrow.

Try and get some sleep. Pray if you're into that. I had terrible trouble sleeping a few months back (work related stress ) so I used to listen to 'white noise' on my phone, under the pillow and it helped. (You tube).

savemefrom

eamor wrote: »

Try and get some sleep. Pray if you're into that. I had terrible trouble sleeping a few months back (work related stress ) so I used to listen to 'white noise' on my phone, under the pillow and it helped. (You tube).

Thanks Eamor. Finding it a struggle hanging on at the mo.

Trying to tackle this on my own is probably making it harder, but that's how I deal with everything in life, from the little boy boy whose mother died and was told it was brave not to cry. Never being at ease to speak my mind, putting up a shield the whole time.

So much has to change, but maybe smaller steps with a little help from friends, but pride and all that.....

The flying mouse

Savemefrom you cant do this on your own, You need help to fight this, Nothing changes if nothing changes. here is a link to some help groups in Ireland, You have absolutely nothing to loose by contacting any one of them of your choice, and absolutely a lot to gain. Go for it & help yourself become the person you really want to become.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057658188

aabarnes1

savemefrom wrote: »

Thanks Eamor. Finding it a struggle hanging on at the mo.

Trying to tackle this on my own is probably making it harder, but that's how I deal with everything in life, from the little boy boy whose mother died and was told it was brave not to cry. Never being at ease to speak my mind, putting up a shield the whole time.

So much has to change, but maybe smaller steps with a little help from friends, but pride and all that.....

My friend,pride is the luxury of others, not for us ex drinkers. It gives us a false outlook on how we perceive things and how we think others perceive us.
It is a deadly virtue.
I can not tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I did and am doing, trying to 'win' on my own is not something I would attempt again. Trust me I have tried, just like I have tried to stop drinking my way, tried to control drinking my way, tried to control situations/people/places/things my way all to no avail. Basically when I try to run the show, it doesn't work out- I had to get help. Get rid of my false pride that stood in my way and ask for help.
Thankfully, many were only too willing to help and listen, that's why I keep going back and sharing and listening.
Best of luck

savemefrom

Lately i feel i am of more worth to my family if i were to die. Mortgage cleared etc and they could have financial security. The recession brought me from boom to bust. Life holds little joy

The flying mouse

savemefrom wrote: »

Lately i feel i am of more worth to my family if i were to die. Mortgage cleared etc and they could have financial security. The recession brought me from boom to bust. Life holds little joy

Money is not everything to everyone & I am quite positive that your family would rather have you then your money.

Savemefrom I was very wealthy years ago, had every materialistic item you can buy, big house & cars, holidays, businesses, I lost it all. everything even my family.

With the help of many people & fellowships & a determination that I wont let this ****ing addiction kill me, I came back & I doing quite well now,& most importantly have a great relationship with my family.

You can beat this, the support & help is there waiting for you, You just have to reach out & grap it.

Its a very powerful crazy addiction this, its the only illness that actually talks to you & tells you your ok just have another.

Take the step savemefrom don't let this addiction/illness kill you.

Quitting and staying quit isn’t easy, it’s learning a whole new way of thinking. It’s accepting a new way of life, and not just accepting it, embracing it...

aabarnes1

savemefrom wrote: »

Lately i feel i am of more worth to my family if i were to die. Mortgage cleared etc and they could have financial security. The recession brought me from boom to bust. Life holds little joy

Let me assure you my friend, you are worth way more to your family alive.
You display very typical thoughts that we have all encountered, but if you think about them they are actually quite selfish.
Boom to bust eh, sound to me like you never had the boom. Yes you might have had money, business success, a nice car and other possessions but were you happy, spiritually? Did you mistake the hunger to succeed for the inability to sit comfortably with yourself? Did you always think you needed more of everything rather than accepting you have what you need?
You have a life and a family that have clearly supported and stood by you.
You may well have provided for them financially but emotionally??
Time to take stock my friend, we need to address whats really going on. as mentioned before, we cannot do this alone, we need help.
We MUSt swallow our false pride, take the bit between our teeth and ask.

savemefrom

aabarnes1 wrote: »

Let me assure you my friend, you are worth way more to your family alive.
You display very typical thoughts that we have all encountered, but if you think about them they are actually quite selfish.
Boom to bust eh, sound to me like you never had the boom. Yes you might have had money, business success, a nice car and other possessions but were you happy, spiritually? Did you mistake the hunger to succeed for the inability to sit comfortably with yourself? Did you always think you needed more of everything rather than accepting you have what you need?
You have a life and a family that have clearly supported and stood by you.
You may well have provided for them financially but emotionally??
Time to take stock my friend, we need to address whats really going on. as mentioned before, we cannot do this alone, we need help.
We MUSt swallow our false pride, take the bit between our teeth and ask.

Thanks for these words and yours Flying Mouse.
I had to go and look up the meaning of "false pride" and I can see it clearly in action in the way I live, putting on a public image, on guard about what I say all the time etc. Food for thought.

The spiritual side? as a non religious person, I might have to work on that solution to understand more.