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Do Family Relationships Eventually Die From Non Contact

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    #32
    pilly
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 9,005 ✭✭✭pilly


    FortySeven wrote:
    I would not change what I did. It's just life, it's not easy.


    I don't know, fair play to you but I don't know what benefit you got from it.


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    #33
    MaroonAndGreen
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,249 ✭✭✭MaroonAndGreen


    Yeah there is no way I would have resumed contact with someone who had seriously abused me. That they are a family member does not matter in them circumstances in my opinion. It's worse that it was a family member, as they betrayed a position of responsibility and trust


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    #34
    MaroonAndGreen
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,249 ✭✭✭MaroonAndGreen


    For the OP. I'm guessing you didn't stop talking for no reason. I guess you have to weigh up if your still angry over what may have occurred to cause your split. I sense you are ready to forgive maybe


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    #35
    FortySeven
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,296 ✭✭✭FortySeven


    pilly wrote: »
    I don't know, fair play to you but I don't know what benefit you got from it.

    I guess I had the choice of forgiving him or never forgiving myself for not trying.


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    #36
    The Raptor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,433 ✭✭✭The Raptor


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    You can't possibly know that. His situation isn't yours and you have posted at length about your issues with your brother(s). It is very clear that you are very angry and bitter and have little time for your brother. Although for someone who has so little time for him you spend a lot of time posting about him. You might be happy to never see him again but your mother would be heartbroken to never see him or speak to him again. Indeed a huge part of your problem with your brother is that she is always waiting to hear from him and welcomes him with open arms every time she does.

    OP, I guess that's how your father feels. Sibling rivalry can last far beyond childhood as The Raptor has shown. But parents have a different relationship with their children and I think if you reached out to your dad he'd be delighted to hear from you. You have nothing to lose from making contact.

    I don't expect you to understand. Writing your story for somebody else doesn't make you angry and bitter. Writing posts and threads over and over again, that's not moving on. It's been 3 years and I have very much moved on and accepted the situation for what it is. He was aggressive towards me, he will never apologise. I'm happy not having someone like that in my life, family or not, there's no excuse for ****ty behaviour. Someone that says you're angry and bitter over a situation that they don't know is the one that has the problem.


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    #37
    Surreptitious
    Registered Users Posts: 8,130 ✭✭✭Surreptitious


    FortySeven wrote: »
    I was badly abused by my father as a child and I didn't speak to him for 25 years. When he was diagnosed with terminal cancer I decided to bury the hatchet and go and meet him.

    I'm glad I did, he died this year and while I feel we made peace so far there is not a day gone by that I wish I had done more. I never thought of him much for those 25 years. Now I think of him all the time.

    He was a cnut, he was abusive and not one person was going to go to his funeral so he didn't have one.

    A despicable man but he was still my father and that is hard, very hard to deal with these last few months. I'm welling up now and I'm at work.

    Make peace. Life is short, hard and painful enough to hold grudges. Christmas is a time for family. I'm sure yours would love to meet your child. You may even find some peace yourself.

    Guilt can be crippling. You don't know what is around the corner any given day. Make that call.

    That's so awful, I'm sorry.


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    #38
    The Raptor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,433 ✭✭✭The Raptor


    pilly wrote: »
    Yes I did only pick out the phone call from your post because whilst you're telling OP to reach out and he's a terrible person blah blah, when your brother reached out to you you didn't answer the phone. Doesn't matter what time of the day he rang. He rang twice, you didn't answer and you didn't return his call. So what's he supposed to do? Ball is now in your court.

    You can not go telling others that their actions are terrible simply because of your own anger and bitterness.

    He was aggressive towards me. I don't expect you to understand. The hard part was not apologising for his behaviour. He had 3 years to apologise. Nothing when his kid came along. That was expected of me.

    He was home for six weeks and rang twice while i was in work. That wasn't much trying. How about a more reasonable hour like in the evening when I'm not working. Or a voice message or something. I probably should have also mentioned that he likes prank calling where I missed 75 aggressive phone calls and voice messages left a few years ago. I think he was free from his wife in Ireland that he could continue to prank call me.

    I guess i forgot to say that i was so shocked with his phone call that i didn't know what to do. But i did get in touch when he went back to Australia and he completely ignored my message.

    It's not up to me to go running after him.

    People don't understand and they tell you you're angry and bitter over the situation. The situation is horrible, I'm not like everyone else with that whole forgive and forget. I have moved on. But forgive and forget, no.

    Cutting people out of your life for no reason is a horrible thing to do. From what i read in the original post, there didn't seem to be a reason, there was no mention of abuse or anything else. My brother done that, there wasn't a reason. That was horrible. Nobody knows the feeling when that is done to you.

    Not everyone is going to like someone like that, not everyone is going to be sitting at home waiting for them with open arms either.

    The OP can try but he should know what to expect. It may not go like the way he wants.


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    #39
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,870 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    The Raptor, again none of that has anything to do with the OP. Without knowing any details you are making this very personal. Your issues with your family are well documented here on boards.ie. And I'd imagine there's 2 sides to every story, 3 actually, yours, his and somewhere in the middle the actual truth. If you don't ever wish to see, hear or speak to your brother and his family ever again that's completely your prerogative. But your other family members, your mother in particular are quite happy to be in contact with him, at whatever level that contact is. So to try tell the OP that there will be a blanket blanking of him and nobody will want to hear from him speaks more about your situation (and maybe even your wish that your family would blank your brother and make it easier for you) than it does about the OP's.

    So yes, there's a chance some people might not welcome OP back with open arms, but there's an even bigger chance that his father, in particular, is just waiting for him to get in touch. Not everyone will react the same. Surely you can see that from your own situation? You have no interest in being in contact with your brother. Other family members are quite happy to be. If there was no big fall out, no argument, no back story, then it's very likely many people will just move on, happy to be in touch with the OP and to have the chance of a relationship with his son. I think a relationship with his aunt's, uncles and cousins is less important than that with his father. So if some of those people decide to not welcome him back, it's no great loss to him or his child. I have a fairly close family, no falling outs or anything and my children wouldn't really have much to do with my aunts and cousins. Very occasional family gatherings, usually funerals at this stage.

    But if he is thinking about it now, a relationship with his father is clearly something that is playing on his mind. And for now, that relationship is the most important one to try salvage. It might take a bit of pride swallowing on the OP's part, but if nothing out of the ordinary happened, then I can only imagine his dad being happy to finally have his son (and new grandchild) back in his life. Whether or not others feel the same is pretty irrelevant.


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    #40
    The Raptor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,433 ✭✭✭The Raptor


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    The Raptor, again none of that has anything to do with the OP. Without knowing any details you are making this very personal. Your issues with your family are well documented here on boards.ie. And I'd imagine there's 2 sides to every story, 3 actually, yours, his and somewhere in the middle the actual truth. If you don't ever wish to see, hear or speak to your brother and his family ever again that's completely your prerogative. But your other family members, your mother in particular are quite happy to be in contact with him, at whatever level that contact is. So to try tell the OP that there will be a blanket blanking of him and nobody will want to hear from him speaks more about your situation (and maybe even your wish that your family would blank your brother and make it easier for you) than it does about the OP's.

    So yes, there's a chance some people might not welcome OP back with open arms, but there's an even bigger chance that his father, in particular, is just waiting for him to get in touch. Not everyone will react the same. Surely you can see that from your own situation? You have no interest in being in contact with your brother. Other family members are quite happy to be. If there was no big fall out, no argument, no back story, then it's very likely many people will just move on, happy to be in touch with the OP and to have the chance of a relationship with his son. I think a relationship with his aunt's, uncles and cousins is less important than that with his father. So if some of those people decide to not welcome him back, it's no great loss to him or his child. I have a fairly close family, no falling outs or anything and my children wouldn't really have much to do with my aunts and cousins. Very occasional family gatherings, usually funerals at this stage.

    But if he is thinking about it now, a relationship with his father is clearly something that is playing on his mind. And for now, that relationship is the most important one to try salvage. It might take a bit of pride swallowing on the OP's part, but if nothing out of the ordinary happened, then I can only imagine his dad being happy to finally have his son (and new grandchild) back in his life. Whether or not others feel the same is pretty irrelevant.

    I didn't tell the OP that there will be a total blanking of him. I said that there might be some people that won't want anything to do with him.
    The thread is about family relationships including his Dad, aunts, everyone. Who everyone is, only the OP knows. But not everyone is going to take him back, his parents probably will. I'm sorry for including a back story. But i wasn't the only person who said they have a brother they didn't quite like. One person has a brother who keeps in touch in case he needs anything from them.


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    #41
    pilly
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 9,005 ✭✭✭pilly


    The Raptor wrote: »
    I didn't tell the OP that there will be a total blanking of him. I said that there might be some people that won't want anything to do with him.
    The thread is about family relationships including his Dad, aunts, everyone. Who everyone is, only the OP knows. But not everyone is going to take him back, his parents probably will. I'm sorry for including a back story. But i wasn't the only person who said they have a brother they didn't quite like. One person has a brother who keeps in touch in case he needs anything from them.

    What you actually said was "don't expect people to be waiting with open arms" and that what OP did was horrible.

    Total jump to judge the OP because of your own circumstances. You've a lot of growing up to do Raptor, seriously.

    There are lots of people who don't like their siblings, I'm not mad about some of mine. I don't go around telling strangers they're horrible because of it.


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    #42
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,870 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    The Raptor wrote: »
    I didn't tell the OP that there will be a total blanking of him. I said that there might be some people that won't want anything to do with him.

    That's not really what you said though...
    The Raptor wrote: »
    You can try but don't expect people to be sitting around with open arms waiting for you.
    The Raptor wrote: »
    I was just saying that people aren't going to be waiting for the OP.

    You seem fairly adamant that people (not some people) will not want to hear from him. Again you are projecting. Nobody can possibly know. The OP has given no detail. In a situation like this he has nothing to lose by making contact. Nothing.

    If some people choose to not accept you back, OP, then that's their right. But even if they do you're no worse off than you are now having no contact with them anyway. But some people will definitely be happy to hear from you. People are all different, and everyone will react differently. Some people might hold a grudge. Others definitely won't. People, personalities and relationships are all unique, so everyone will react differently to each other in given circumstances.

    I know I'm the type of person who wouldn't hold a grudge. And I know if it came to it that something happened that I never spoke to my sibling again I'd be sad about that, but I'd accept it for what it was. On the other hand, if something happened that I never spoke to my child again or met my grandchild I would be devastated. There is no comparison between the two relationships, for me!


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    #43
    The Raptor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,433 ✭✭✭The Raptor


    pilly wrote: »
    What you actually said was "don't expect people to be waiting with open arms" and that what OP did was horrible.

    Total jump to judge the OP because of your own circumstances. You've a lot of growing up to do Raptor, seriously.

    There are lots of people who don't like their siblings, I'm not mad about some of mine. I don't go around telling strangers they're horrible because of it.

    Have you ever have someone, one of your brothers or sisters just ignore you? Was part of a family where the boys could do no wrong, you always had to suck up to them. There never was anything wrong. We always had to pretend everything was OK. Then you hear that phone calls were made to everyone in the village. Maybe not everyone but we were the last thing he cared about. I visited my grandmother one Easter to find that he rang her. He didn't bother with us at home and we had our messages ignored. Then you say something to them about it and it's automatically your fault? Calling me every name under the sun. Nothing was ever allowed to be said to him.

    If you did, and you accept that from them, that is OK. But not me. There wasn't any reason for him to cut us out like that. But to turn the situation around on me.

    Yes cutting people out when there is no reason is a horrible thing to do. I feel for the OP's family, i have been there, to be left wondering what they did, everything ignored. How do people think that is OK behaviour?

    Maybe the OP shouldn't have came here if he wanted nice sympathetic replies.


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    #44
    pilly
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 9,005 ✭✭✭pilly


    The Raptor wrote: »
    Have you ever have someone, one of your brothers or sisters just ignore you? Was part of a family where the boys could do no wrong, you always had to suck up to them. There never was anything wrong. We always had to pretend everything was OK. Then you hear that phone calls were made to everyone in the village. Maybe not everyone but we were the last thing he cared about. I visited my grandmother one Easter to find that he rang her. He didn't bother with us at home and we had our messages ignored. Then you say something to them about it and it's automatically your fault? Calling me every name under the sun. Nothing was ever allowed to be said to him.

    If you did, and you accept that from them, that is OK. But not me. There wasn't any reason for him to cut us out like that. But to turn the situation around on me.

    Yes cutting people out when there is no reason is a horrible thing to do. I feel for the OP's family, i have been there, to be left wondering what they did, everything ignored. How do people think that is OK behaviour?

    Maybe the OP shouldn't have came here if he wanted nice sympathetic replies.


    We get by now that you're never going to forgive your brother, fine. This thread is not about you. It appears your the one looking for sympathetic answers and not getting any, not OP. You're the only one that has called him a horrible person. Now please drop it, honestly. No-one agrees with you no matter how many times you tell the story.


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    #45
    The Raptor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,433 ✭✭✭The Raptor


    Big bag of chips... people, some people... same thing.

    Why are you digging into my posts? If you wanted me to talk about his relationship with his Dad, say so. Or with his relationship with everyone like he asked.


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    #46
    The Raptor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,433 ✭✭✭The Raptor


    pilly wrote: »
    We get by now that you're never going to forgive your brother, fine. This thread is not about you. It appears your the one looking for sympathetic answers and not getting any, not OP. You're the only one that has called him a horrible person. Now please drop it, honestly. No-one agrees with you no matter how many times you tell the story.

    I didn't come here looking for sympathetic answers. I was giving a back story to what happened.

    If the OP can come back and explain if there was a reason to why he cut people out, that would be great. But there wasn't any mention of a falling out or abuse. I'm just writing how some of his family may feel.


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    #47
    The Raptor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,433 ✭✭✭The Raptor


    Good luck OP, hope everyone is happy to hear from you. I wish you well with whatever you do decide.


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    #48
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,870 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    He asked for advice, instead of giving advice you gave many detailed rants about your brother. I'm not digging into any of your posts (other than quoting what you posted on this thread) anybody who is a regular poster here will be very familiar with your posting history and with your difficult relationship with your family.

    Your experience and opinion is valid, the way you go about sharing it with others makes it more about you and less about their issue. Remember you are offering advice to a real person. It's not your brother!! You can obviously explain how hurt you are about your brother's actions, but you shouldn't turn that into categorically telling another person that people will not want to hear from them.

    You can't possibly know that.

    You don't want to hear from your brother. But you can't speak for others.


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    #49
    The Raptor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,433 ✭✭✭The Raptor


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    He asked for advice, instead of giving advice you gave many detailed rants about your brother. I'm not digging into any of your posts (other than quoting what you posted on this thread) anybody who is a regular poster here will be very familiar with your posting history and with your difficult relationship with your family.

    Your experience and opinion is valid, the way you go about sharing it with others makes it more about you and less about their issue. Remember you are offering advice to a real person. It's not your brother!! You can obviously explain how hurt you are about your brother's actions, but you shouldn't turn that into categorically telling another person that people will not want to hear from them.

    You can't possibly know that.

    You don't want to hear from your brother. But you can't speak for others.

    I wasn't talking about you digging into anything else. I said it. Some people, people...

    Why are you talking about my posting history, from 3 years ago as if I'm still angry and bitter about the situation?

    3 years ago, there were problems. I moved on.

    I'm sorry for giving a back story but I feel for his family that he ignored.
    The detailed rants as you call them was in reply to someone who didn't see my situation. Just clarifying things.
    I wasn't telling him that people will not want to hear from him. I was telling him that there are people who won't want to hear from him. From his Dad, aunt, everyone, there will be someone who won't be too happy with him. Five years without any contact when there was no mention of any falling out or abuse. I can speak for someone that has had that happen, it is a horrible feeling. He can try but there is no way of knowing how people will be. That is the situation the OP is in, I'm sorry for pointing it out to him.

    This is my last post here because, it doesn't matter what i say. I wish you well OP.


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    #50
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Mod:

    Can we get back on track here and keep replies to offering advice to the OP please? Ta.


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