Do Family Relationships Eventually Die From Non Contact

LegacyUser

My wife and I separated 5 years ago for 1 year and we got back together, during that time I lost contact with my family, my father and my aunts, everyone, when we got back together i never made contact with them, i have all their numbers blocked on my phone, i live in a separate town to them, we moved house 2 years ago

we had a baby since who is now 3 and none of them have seen the baby or even knew he was born

there will not be a funeral for another 10 years at least, i have completely shut them out of my life, my wife says i will regret it when i get older.

She wants to make contact for the sake of the children, the problem is i cant, too much has passed, i feel embarrassed over what happened

i know its strange and i admit i'm to blame and maybe i have a bit of a strange personality, my relationship with my family was not great this is my fault

the question is do family relationships eventually die

Big Bag of Chips

What were your reasons for stopping all contact? And are those reasons still relevant today. You don't need to answer that here, but think about it. It seems the only thing stopping you from getting back in contact is embarrassment. Is that a good enough reason?

You haven't given many details and there's obviously a lot to the story, but you now have your own son. If he was to do similar down the line, would you rather he stayed away and let embarrassment get the better of him? Or would you like for him to get back in touch?

Again, I don't know the reasons for your actions so maybe you have very valid reasons for doing what you did and for continuing to stay away from them.... It's just you don't sound all that sure that you have anymore.

BettePorter

familyrelationship wrote:

there will not be a funeral for another 10 years at least

What an odd thing to say! You don't know what's around the corner. What if your mother died tonight. How would you feel?

Ursus Horribilis

BettePorter wrote: »

What an odd thing to say! You don't know what's around the corner. What if your mother died tonight. How would you feel?

And if you've blocked everyone's numbers and vanished off the face of the earth, how can anybody contact you?

RentDayBlues

Family relationships are like any relationship, if there is a genuine reason why you don't want to be in contact with them then don't. Just because you share DNA does not mean you have to maintain a relationship that is destructive or dangerous to you or your family.

The Raptor

You can try but don't expect people to be sitting around with open arms waiting for you. What you did was horrible.

My brother emigrated four and a half years ago. He cut contact or there was very very limited contact. Months would go by and we wouldn't hear from him. Birthdays, graduation, nothing. I don't know what he was trying to say by ringing the day after Christmas to wish us a happy Christmas.

I was visiting my grandmother one Easter, he rang her but never bothered with us at home. I heard he was ringing other people in the village.

I took it up with him and asked him why wasn't he keeping in touch but then had time to ring the neighbours. Well he ****ed me out of it, it was all my fault, they were ringing him. Yeah, my grandmother has Alzheimer's and doesn't know who's who, I'm sure she was ringing him!

It was horrible. He had a kid and blocked me. Didn't invite me to the christening, invited aunts and uncles, not his own sister. Expected them all to pack up everything for a month and go to Australia. Only immediate family went. I was expected to make amends with him. Family took his side. They seem to be happy with any kind of contact with him.

He was ringing me during the summer when he was home. He rang me twice when i was in work. I don't know what he wanted but if he can't ring at a reasonable hour past 6pm, i wasn't chasing him. I'd be happy if i never saw the self entitled prick again.

Sound Bite

You can't know there won't be a funeral for at least 10 years. Unfortunately people die unexpectedly all the time. A family member may have passed since you ceased contact, perhaps no one could contact you.

How will you explain to your child why there is no contact? Eventually the child is going to start asking questions.

Sometimes there are very good reasons to cease contact with family, but this doesn't appear to be the case.

Start by unblocking their numbers.

Ursus Horribilis

There's a lot going on here.

Why did you cut contact with your family in such a drastic fashion? I mean, I've got relatives I'm not mad about but I've never done what you've done. I just don't ring/text/visit them and say a few polite words if I happen to meet them. Are they horrible people? Have they done anything to you that justifies the way you cut them out of your life?

You've dismissed your behaviour in general as being "a bit of a strange personality". Have you ever sought professional help for this? Was it why your marriage broke up in the first place? More importantly, is it something that could lead to another split with your wife? What you did to your family is pretty extreme, especially if they didn't do anything wrong in the first place. Is hiding/radio silence your way of handling life when it doesn't go in your favour? I'm no expert but it sounds like something that could do with more exploration. Even if you decide not to contact your family again, your "odd" ways could damage your marriage and your children.

Family relationships certainly can die from non-contact. They're no different to friendships in that way. What I'm curious about is how you think you can be found if someone in the family dies before this 10 year span is up. Even that way of thinking makes me wonder about your metal well-being. Has it never occurred to you that people die unexpectedly or before their time? How do you know that nobody in your family has already died seeing as you've blocked them all on your phone?

As to whether you can rebuild relationships in your family, I doubt it. You might be able to rebuild some bridges but don't think anybody will ever forget the way you cut them off and vanished. It'd be nice for your father to meet his grandchild though and maybe some good will come from that. It depends what sort of person he is though. Is he someone your son would benefit from meeting and knowing?

Without knowing more, I think you should reach out and talk to someone in your family. I also think you could do with visiting a professional though because your behaviour makes me wonder is there something more going on.

leggo

The Raptor wrote: »

You can try but don't expect people to be sitting around with open arms waiting for you. What you did was horrible.

Bit harsh. The OP isn't your brother, it's unfair to project your situation onto him. He's given very little details so we've no idea what caused the breakdown or if it was, in fact, horrible. Sorry to hear what you went through with your brother, though. Your emotion is understandable, if a little misplaced in this instance.

BnB

I believe your wife is 100% right. I think you will regret it if you don't try now. It sounds like you are in a fairly good place. You recognise that this was of your own doing. I thing you should approch them and just let them know where you are and that you would like to have them back in your life. As another poster said, start by unblocking their numbers. Then, maybe just send a text reaching out to one of them and asking if it would be ok to give them a call or meet for a cup of tea some day.

We have a similar situation in our family, one member has cut themselves off, blocked at least one number and caused a lot of hurt and pain. But I know for a fact, that if they came back in the morning, they would be welcomed with open arms.

Somebody made a comment above that "Family relationships are like any relationship". I disagree. You have a unique bond with your family, that you can never have with anyone else, no matter how good of a friend they are. They are part of your identity, and subsequently part of your 3 year old's identity. You don't have to live in each others pockets, but it is important to be there for one another.

Gregor Samsa

If your only reason for not keeping contact with them now is embarrassment, you will 100% regret it in the future. If you have another more substantial reason, then whether you will regret it or not really depends on that reason. It's probably true that some families are best kept away from, but it's probably not true for the majority. Also, I think it's highly unlikely that every single member of your family (parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins on both sides included) has done something to you that deserves this.

As for the funeral issue, as others have said, you have absolutely no way of knowing that no-one in your family will die in the next 10 years. I was sitting at my desk in work 6 weeks ago, and suddenly got a call to say that a close in-law - younger than me - was dead. Unless you do have a good reason, don't wait until after something like this happens to realise that you're taking the wrong course of action.

In asking "the question is do family relationships eventually die?", it sounds like you're hoping this is the case. But the fact that you feel embarrassed by what you've done seems to me that in you, after all this time and all this effort, there's something continuing to live on. How they feel about you, no one can say for sure - but I would say that most people in most families would be willing to welcome you back. Some might do it unconditionally, some might require that you at least try to offer some kind of explanation. You will have to face up to the fact that your actions will have caused some heartache.

Sinead Mc1

My step daughter cut myself and my husband out of her life. She was living with us at the time and words were had. 100% nothing that could justify distancing herself and that is the absolute truth. Her father is very soft and never lost his temper and i reckon she got a shock. As a result she has also cut her grandmother out of her life. The only thing i can think is that once she turned 18 she wanted to make her own way. She was very eager to leave her mother's home also, hence living with us. However she returned home after our argument. I do know that she has left there since.
I cannot tell you the absolute excruciating pain this is probably bringing to your family. I know that I am definitely not the same person I was back then. Losing contact with your child is not like losing contact with anyone else. It comes with a lot of shame. People question why we don't speak and I'm sure they assume there is more to the story. You constantly feel guilty but there is nothing you can do. We have attempted to make contact several times but all our texts calls etc are ignored. Even if you got a response saying you need space or something but to be treated like you don't exist is just horrible. I miss her every single day. I can only imagine how my husband feels.
I met someone who knows her and they told us that she claims "we are just not in her life anymore" she also said she had never met her two half siblings but that is untrue as she left when our eldest was a toddler. That really hurt. Every single day i pray she will get in touch. We would welcome her with open arms.
Your parents must question themselves everyday and I am fairly certain the pain doesn't just go away.
Please please consider getting in touch. I cannot say weather you will regret not doing so but if there really isn't any reason you've done this it is definitely the kinder thing to do.

LegacyUser

We had a baby since who is now 3.... question is do family relationships eventually die[/quote]
Would you hope that your own child will follow in your footsteps/copy your example, & cut you out of their own adult life also? Would you even be bothered if your child did "disappear" the way you have?
Don't get me wrong, I'd love to never meet some people ever again. However I'm an adult & not a teenager in a strop. So whatever issues I have, I either address them head on, or else suck it up for the greater good.

Estrellita

familyrelationship wrote: »

the question is do family relationships eventually die

The answer is simple, only if you allow them to. I have to admit, I do find your reaction very strange. Blocking everyone and cutting all contact. However, it is what it is.

I feel your wife is correct, you will regret it. But there's also something else playing on her mind. Your three year old is missing a big part of their life. As part of homework, my children were asked to do up their own versions of their family tree. One side of your childs tree is going to look very bare if asked to do the same thing.

Your remark about the funeral was an eyebrow raiser too. If something happens to someone in your family while you aren't in contact, you might be very regretful afterwards.

I think you should write a letter, to whomever you think is the best person to make contact with. Gently explain your reasoning for cutting contact, and that you do regret it. Leave the ball in their court if they wish to make contact back and offer to meet. I feel sometimes it's easier to say what you want to by letter. There are probably a lot of hurt feelings on their side, but time will heal the relationships if you extend the first olive branch.

Good luck, and I hope it works out well for you.

Sun in Capri

Funeral remark bizarre and unbelievable!! A relationship that you cut out could well have died and may not be recoverable - I guess it would be up to the people you cut contact with whether they would want to rekindle the relationship or not.

pilly

BettePorter wrote: »

What an odd thing to say! You don't know what's around the corner. What if your mother died tonight. How would you feel?

You know people always use this argument when it comes to family disputes. But we all could die tonight, does that mean we forgive any wrong or take any amount of abuse in order to maintain family relationships?

pilly

The Raptor wrote: »

You can try but don't expect people to be sitting around with open arms waiting for you. What you did was horrible.

My brother emigrated four and a half years ago. He cut contact or there was very very limited contact. Months would go by and we wouldn't hear from him. Birthdays, graduation, nothing. I don't know what he was trying to say by ringing the day after Christmas to wish us a happy Christmas.

I was visiting my grandmother one Easter, he rang her but never bothered with us at home. I heard he was ringing other people in the village.

I took it up with him and asked him why wasn't he keeping in touch but then had time to ring the neighbours. Well he ****ed me out of it, it was all my fault, they were ringing him. Yeah, my grandmother has Alzheimer's and doesn't know who's who, I'm sure she was ringing him!

It was horrible. He had a kid and blocked me. Didn't invite me to the christening, invited aunts and uncles, not his own sister. Expected them all to pack up everything for a month and go to Australia. Only immediate family went. I was expected to make amends with him. Family took his side. They seem to be happy with any kind of contact with him.

He was ringing me during the summer when he was home. He rang me twice when i was in work. I don't know what he wanted but if he can't ring at a reasonable hour past 6pm, i wasn't chasing him. I'd be happy if i never saw the self entitled prick again.

So he rang you twice from Australia and you didn't answer and you're angry over that?

implausible

Your funeral remark sounds as if you're waiting for a 'good' excuse to get back in contact, that your pride won't allow you to get back in contact for any other reason.

Well, you have a good reason now - your three year old. Whatever has gone on is not his fault and he deserves to have contact with his grandparents and extended family (unless of course, they would be a danger to him). Even if you cannot bring yourself to resume contact, would you not let your wife do it and bring their grandchild for a visit? Unless they're complete monsters, I can only imagine that they'd love to see him. Kids have a way of breaking the ice and changing perspectives. You owe it to him to allow him to know his family.

Padster90s

Make some kind of contact, if they rebuff well at least you tried. The funeral mark is odd, I know of a family where a daughter(She was older 50s) broke contact and it honestly put the mother into an early grave followed not long after by the father. You can't make amends with the dead.

Katgurl

Oh I feel so sad reading this post!

OP you don't need an excuse (ie. a funeral) to run into your family! Just reach out to them. I wholeheartedly agree with your wife that you will regret it. Ok so you're embarrassed but that'll pass and believe me massive regret will be far harder to swallow if it becomes too late.

If you can't face opening the communication, let your wife do it. She could send some pics of the child and a letter saying he would like to meet his grandparents.

Please do it before it's too late.

amtc

I am an only child and reached out to all my cousins when I turned 40. My othe cousins were both turning 30 and 50. We are all born in the same week. Some I liked, some I didn't, but was important to me. I'm unbelievably close to my mother's cousin and she to me. You are wrong to deny this to your child

The Draugan

I think it depends on the people involved , i have one relative i'v not spoken too for many years that relationship is definitely dead to be honest , I was a child when we stopped speaking after a row., At this stage i don't count her or her kids as family , she has never met my Fiance and i haven't seen her in person in about 6 years , when we do we openly ignore each other. In all honesty i tell people i only have 3 aunts , 3 uncles and 4 cousins because i do not count her or her kids as family any more.

I fell out with another uncle as a teenager over a row involving my grandfather who was quite ill at the time with terminal cancer. we didn't speak at all for over 2 years but he stepped up after my grandfathers death , apologized and we reconciled , don't have the warmest relationship with him but its at the very least civil.

The Raptor

pilly wrote: »

So he rang you twice from Australia and you didn't answer and you're angry over that?

I guess you didn't read my post properly. He was home last summer and rang me after 3 years. Rang me at a time i was in work, both times. I don't know what his phone call was about, but I'm sure it wasn't to make amends. He could have called in the evening or the weekend while he was home for 6 weeks.

Did you only pick out that phone call in my post, not anything else? His whole behaviour was nasty.

I was just saying that people aren't going to be waiting for the OP.

Big Bag of Chips

The Raptor wrote: »

I was just saying that people aren't going to be waiting for the OP.

You can't possibly know that. His situation isn't yours and you have posted at length about your issues with your brother(s). It is very clear that you are very angry and bitter and have little time for your brother. Although for someone who has so little time for him you spend a lot of time posting about him. You might be happy to never see him again but your mother would be heartbroken to never see him or speak to him again. Indeed a huge part of your problem with your brother is that she is always waiting to hear from him and welcomes him with open arms every time she does.

OP, I guess that's how your father feels. Sibling rivalry can last far beyond childhood as The Raptor has shown. But parents have a different relationship with their children and I think if you reached out to your dad he'd be delighted to hear from you. You have nothing to lose from making contact.

pilly

The Raptor wrote: »

I guess you didn't read my post properly. He was home last summer and rang me after 3 years. Rang me at a time i was in work, both times. I don't know what his phone call was about, but I'm sure it wasn't to make amends. He could have called in the evening or the weekend while he was home for 6 weeks.

Did you only pick out that phone call in my post, not anything else? His whole behaviour was nasty.

I was just saying that people aren't going to be waiting for the OP.

Yes I did only pick out the phone call from your post because whilst you're telling OP to reach out and he's a terrible person blah blah, when your brother reached out to you you didn't answer the phone. Doesn't matter what time of the day he rang. He rang twice, you didn't answer and you didn't return his call. So what's he supposed to do? Ball is now in your court.

You can not go telling others that their actions are terrible simply because of your own anger and bitterness.

sadie06

Do not put off reconciling (if it's what you really want) thinking that you have another decade to make it happen.

I recently lost my father. He went from outwardly healthy (gym three times a week, cycling the Western greenway this summer, active social life) to death in the space of 32 days after a cancer diagnosis. I have some regrets, things I wish I'd followed through on doing together, but on the whole I will be able to move forward without dwelling on them. I can't imagine ever getting over the loss if we had not been in contact and it had been down to fear on my part.

Do it! Face into it. Don't let another day pass without taking some sort of action or first step.

FortySeven

I was badly abused by my father as a child and I didn't speak to him for 25 years. When he was diagnosed with terminal cancer I decided to bury the hatchet and go and meet him.

I'm glad I did, he died this year and while I feel we made peace so far there is not a day gone by that I wish I had done more. I never thought of him much for those 25 years. Now I think of him all the time.

He was a cnut, he was abusive and not one person was going to go to his funeral so he didn't have one.

A despicable man but he was still my father and that is hard, very hard to deal with these last few months. I'm welling up now and I'm at work.

Make peace. Life is short, hard and painful enough to hold grudges. Christmas is a time for family. I'm sure yours would love to meet your child. You may even find some peace yourself.

Guilt can be crippling. You don't know what is around the corner any given day. Make that call.

MaroonAndGreen

FortySeven wrote:

I was badly abused by my father as a child and I didn't speak to him for 25 years. When he was diagnosed with terminal cancer I decided to bury the hatchet and go and meet him.

Totally reasonable you weren't speaking. I don't actually see why you got back in contact.

FortySeven

MaroonAndGreen wrote: »

Totally reasonable you weren't speaking. I don't actually see why you got back in contact.

Forgiveness is unconditional, it is something I never thought I would do but I'm glad I did. My father was only a man, flawed, nasty and depraved for sure but just a man. I think I needed to see that as well. I was 11 when social services took me so my memories were not representative of that.

I should probably mention that it threw me into such a depression that I lost my partner of 10 years, my children, my home and my job.

I'm coming back from that now though. Don't let that put you off op. (I'm prone to it, I'm bipolar)

pilly

FortySeven wrote:

I should probably mention that it threw me into such a depression that I lost my partner of 10 years, my children, my home and my job.

Getting back in touch threw you into depression?

FortySeven

pilly wrote: »

Getting back in touch threw you into depression?

Yes, I stopped going to work and took to the bed for months. By the time I came around everything was gone and all I had to show for it was a grand big bushy beard.

Like I said though, I'm bipolar so I'm prone to that kind of thing. OP should not worry too much about it.

I would not change what I did. It's just life, it's not easy.