Do Family Relationships Eventually Die From Non Contact

LegacyUser

My wife and I separated 5 years ago for 1 year and we got back together, during that time I lost contact with my family, my father and my aunts, everyone, when we got back together i never made contact with them, i have all their numbers blocked on my phone, i live in a separate town to them, we moved house 2 years ago

we had a baby since who is now 3 and none of them have seen the baby or even knew he was born

there will not be a funeral for another 10 years at least, i have completely shut them out of my life, my wife says i will regret it when i get older.

She wants to make contact for the sake of the children, the problem is i cant, too much has passed, i feel embarrassed over what happened

i know its strange and i admit i'm to blame and maybe i have a bit of a strange personality, my relationship with my family was not great this is my fault

the question is do family relationships eventually die

Big Bag of Chips

What were your reasons for stopping all contact? And are those reasons still relevant today. You don't need to answer that here, but think about it. It seems the only thing stopping you from getting back in contact is embarrassment. Is that a good enough reason?

You haven't given many details and there's obviously a lot to the story, but you now have your own son. If he was to do similar down the line, would you rather he stayed away and let embarrassment get the better of him? Or would you like for him to get back in touch?

Again, I don't know the reasons for your actions so maybe you have very valid reasons for doing what you did and for continuing to stay away from them.... It's just you don't sound all that sure that you have anymore.

BettePorter

familyrelationship wrote:

there will not be a funeral for another 10 years at least

What an odd thing to say! You don't know what's around the corner. What if your mother died tonight. How would you feel?

Ursus Horribilis

BettePorter wrote: »

What an odd thing to say! You don't know what's around the corner. What if your mother died tonight. How would you feel?

And if you've blocked everyone's numbers and vanished off the face of the earth, how can anybody contact you?

RentDayBlues

Family relationships are like any relationship, if there is a genuine reason why you don't want to be in contact with them then don't. Just because you share DNA does not mean you have to maintain a relationship that is destructive or dangerous to you or your family.

The Raptor

You can try but don't expect people to be sitting around with open arms waiting for you. What you did was horrible.

My brother emigrated four and a half years ago. He cut contact or there was very very limited contact. Months would go by and we wouldn't hear from him. Birthdays, graduation, nothing. I don't know what he was trying to say by ringing the day after Christmas to wish us a happy Christmas.

I was visiting my grandmother one Easter, he rang her but never bothered with us at home. I heard he was ringing other people in the village.

I took it up with him and asked him why wasn't he keeping in touch but then had time to ring the neighbours. Well he ****ed me out of it, it was all my fault, they were ringing him. Yeah, my grandmother has Alzheimer's and doesn't know who's who, I'm sure she was ringing him!

It was horrible. He had a kid and blocked me. Didn't invite me to the christening, invited aunts and uncles, not his own sister. Expected them all to pack up everything for a month and go to Australia. Only immediate family went. I was expected to make amends with him. Family took his side. They seem to be happy with any kind of contact with him.

He was ringing me during the summer when he was home. He rang me twice when i was in work. I don't know what he wanted but if he can't ring at a reasonable hour past 6pm, i wasn't chasing him. I'd be happy if i never saw the self entitled prick again.

Sound Bite

You can't know there won't be a funeral for at least 10 years. Unfortunately people die unexpectedly all the time. A family member may have passed since you ceased contact, perhaps no one could contact you.

How will you explain to your child why there is no contact? Eventually the child is going to start asking questions.

Sometimes there are very good reasons to cease contact with family, but this doesn't appear to be the case.

Start by unblocking their numbers.

Ursus Horribilis

There's a lot going on here.

Why did you cut contact with your family in such a drastic fashion? I mean, I've got relatives I'm not mad about but I've never done what you've done. I just don't ring/text/visit them and say a few polite words if I happen to meet them. Are they horrible people? Have they done anything to you that justifies the way you cut them out of your life?

You've dismissed your behaviour in general as being "a bit of a strange personality". Have you ever sought professional help for this? Was it why your marriage broke up in the first place? More importantly, is it something that could lead to another split with your wife? What you did to your family is pretty extreme, especially if they didn't do anything wrong in the first place. Is hiding/radio silence your way of handling life when it doesn't go in your favour? I'm no expert but it sounds like something that could do with more exploration. Even if you decide not to contact your family again, your "odd" ways could damage your marriage and your children.

Family relationships certainly can die from non-contact. They're no different to friendships in that way. What I'm curious about is how you think you can be found if someone in the family dies before this 10 year span is up. Even that way of thinking makes me wonder about your metal well-being. Has it never occurred to you that people die unexpectedly or before their time? How do you know that nobody in your family has already died seeing as you've blocked them all on your phone?

As to whether you can rebuild relationships in your family, I doubt it. You might be able to rebuild some bridges but don't think anybody will ever forget the way you cut them off and vanished. It'd be nice for your father to meet his grandchild though and maybe some good will come from that. It depends what sort of person he is though. Is he someone your son would benefit from meeting and knowing?

Without knowing more, I think you should reach out and talk to someone in your family. I also think you could do with visiting a professional though because your behaviour makes me wonder is there something more going on.

leggo

The Raptor wrote: »

You can try but don't expect people to be sitting around with open arms waiting for you. What you did was horrible.

Bit harsh. The OP isn't your brother, it's unfair to project your situation onto him. He's given very little details so we've no idea what caused the breakdown or if it was, in fact, horrible. Sorry to hear what you went through with your brother, though. Your emotion is understandable, if a little misplaced in this instance.

BnB

I believe your wife is 100% right. I think you will regret it if you don't try now. It sounds like you are in a fairly good place. You recognise that this was of your own doing. I thing you should approch them and just let them know where you are and that you would like to have them back in your life. As another poster said, start by unblocking their numbers. Then, maybe just send a text reaching out to one of them and asking if it would be ok to give them a call or meet for a cup of tea some day.

We have a similar situation in our family, one member has cut themselves off, blocked at least one number and caused a lot of hurt and pain. But I know for a fact, that if they came back in the morning, they would be welcomed with open arms.

Somebody made a comment above that "Family relationships are like any relationship". I disagree. You have a unique bond with your family, that you can never have with anyone else, no matter how good of a friend they are. They are part of your identity, and subsequently part of your 3 year old's identity. You don't have to live in each others pockets, but it is important to be there for one another.

Gregor Samsa

If your only reason for not keeping contact with them now is embarrassment, you will 100% regret it in the future. If you have another more substantial reason, then whether you will regret it or not really depends on that reason. It's probably true that some families are best kept away from, but it's probably not true for the majority. Also, I think it's highly unlikely that every single member of your family (parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins on both sides included) has done something to you that deserves this.

As for the funeral issue, as others have said, you have absolutely no way of knowing that no-one in your family will die in the next 10 years. I was sitting at my desk in work 6 weeks ago, and suddenly got a call to say that a close in-law - younger than me - was dead. Unless you do have a good reason, don't wait until after something like this happens to realise that you're taking the wrong course of action.

In asking "the question is do family relationships eventually die?", it sounds like you're hoping this is the case. But the fact that you feel embarrassed by what you've done seems to me that in you, after all this time and all this effort, there's something continuing to live on. How they feel about you, no one can say for sure - but I would say that most people in most families would be willing to welcome you back. Some might do it unconditionally, some might require that you at least try to offer some kind of explanation. You will have to face up to the fact that your actions will have caused some heartache.

Sinead Mc1

My step daughter cut myself and my husband out of her life. She was living with us at the time and words were had. 100% nothing that could justify distancing herself and that is the absolute truth. Her father is very soft and never lost his temper and i reckon she got a shock. As a result she has also cut her grandmother out of her life. The only thing i can think is that once she turned 18 she wanted to make her own way. She was very eager to leave her mother's home also, hence living with us. However she returned home after our argument. I do know that she has left there since.
I cannot tell you the absolute excruciating pain this is probably bringing to your family. I know that I am definitely not the same person I was back then. Losing contact with your child is not like losing contact with anyone else. It comes with a lot of shame. People question why we don't speak and I'm sure they assume there is more to the story. You constantly feel guilty but there is nothing you can do. We have attempted to make contact several times but all our texts calls etc are ignored. Even if you got a response saying you need space or something but to be treated like you don't exist is just horrible. I miss her every single day. I can only imagine how my husband feels.
I met someone who knows her and they told us that she claims "we are just not in her life anymore" she also said she had never met her two half siblings but that is untrue as she left when our eldest was a toddler. That really hurt. Every single day i pray she will get in touch. We would welcome her with open arms.
Your parents must question themselves everyday and I am fairly certain the pain doesn't just go away.
Please please consider getting in touch. I cannot say weather you will regret not doing so but if there really isn't any reason you've done this it is definitely the kinder thing to do.

LegacyUser

We had a baby since who is now 3.... question is do family relationships eventually die[/quote]
Would you hope that your own child will follow in your footsteps/copy your example, & cut you out of their own adult life also? Would you even be bothered if your child did "disappear" the way you have?
Don't get me wrong, I'd love to never meet some people ever again. However I'm an adult & not a teenager in a strop. So whatever issues I have, I either address them head on, or else suck it up for the greater good.

Estrellita

familyrelationship wrote: »

the question is do family relationships eventually die

The answer is simple, only if you allow them to. I have to admit, I do find your reaction very strange. Blocking everyone and cutting all contact. However, it is what it is.

I feel your wife is correct, you will regret it. But there's also something else playing on her mind. Your three year old is missing a big part of their life. As part of homework, my children were asked to do up their own versions of their family tree. One side of your childs tree is going to look very bare if asked to do the same thing.

Your remark about the funeral was an eyebrow raiser too. If something happens to someone in your family while you aren't in contact, you might be very regretful afterwards.

I think you should write a letter, to whomever you think is the best person to make contact with. Gently explain your reasoning for cutting contact, and that you do regret it. Leave the ball in their court if they wish to make contact back and offer to meet. I feel sometimes it's easier to say what you want to by letter. There are probably a lot of hurt feelings on their side, but time will heal the relationships if you extend the first olive branch.

Good luck, and I hope it works out well for you.

Sun in Capri

Funeral remark bizarre and unbelievable!! A relationship that you cut out could well have died and may not be recoverable - I guess it would be up to the people you cut contact with whether they would want to rekindle the relationship or not.

pilly

BettePorter wrote: »

What an odd thing to say! You don't know what's around the corner. What if your mother died tonight. How would you feel?

You know people always use this argument when it comes to family disputes. But we all could die tonight, does that mean we forgive any wrong or take any amount of abuse in order to maintain family relationships?

pilly

The Raptor wrote: »

You can try but don't expect people to be sitting around with open arms waiting for you. What you did was horrible.

My brother emigrated four and a half years ago. He cut contact or there was very very limited contact. Months would go by and we wouldn't hear from him. Birthdays, graduation, nothing. I don't know what he was trying to say by ringing the day after Christmas to wish us a happy Christmas.

I was visiting my grandmother one Easter, he rang her but never bothered with us at home. I heard he was ringing other people in the village.

I took it up with him and asked him why wasn't he keeping in touch but then had time to ring the neighbours. Well he ****ed me out of it, it was all my fault, they were ringing him. Yeah, my grandmother has Alzheimer's and doesn't know who's who, I'm sure she was ringing him!

It was horrible. He had a kid and blocked me. Didn't invite me to the christening, invited aunts and uncles, not his own sister. Expected them all to pack up everything for a month and go to Australia. Only immediate family went. I was expected to make amends with him. Family took his side. They seem to be happy with any kind of contact with him.

He was ringing me during the summer when he was home. He rang me twice when i was in work. I don't know what he wanted but if he can't ring at a reasonable hour past 6pm, i wasn't chasing him. I'd be happy if i never saw the self entitled prick again.

So he rang you twice from Australia and you didn't answer and you're angry over that?

implausible

Your funeral remark sounds as if you're waiting for a 'good' excuse to get back in contact, that your pride won't allow you to get back in contact for any other reason.

Well, you have a good reason now - your three year old. Whatever has gone on is not his fault and he deserves to have contact with his grandparents and extended family (unless of course, they would be a danger to him). Even if you cannot bring yourself to resume contact, would you not let your wife do it and bring their grandchild for a visit? Unless they're complete monsters, I can only imagine that they'd love to see him. Kids have a way of breaking the ice and changing perspectives. You owe it to him to allow him to know his family.

Padster90s

Make some kind of contact, if they rebuff well at least you tried. The funeral mark is odd, I know of a family where a daughter(She was older 50s) broke contact and it honestly put the mother into an early grave followed not long after by the father. You can't make amends with the dead.

Katgurl

Oh I feel so sad reading this post!

OP you don't need an excuse (ie. a funeral) to run into your family! Just reach out to them. I wholeheartedly agree with your wife that you will regret it. Ok so you're embarrassed but that'll pass and believe me massive regret will be far harder to swallow if it becomes too late.

If you can't face opening the communication, let your wife do it. She could send some pics of the child and a letter saying he would like to meet his grandparents.

Please do it before it's too late.

amtc

I am an only child and reached out to all my cousins when I turned 40. My othe cousins were both turning 30 and 50. We are all born in the same week. Some I liked, some I didn't, but was important to me. I'm unbelievably close to my mother's cousin and she to me. You are wrong to deny this to your child

The Draugan

I think it depends on the people involved , i have one relative i'v not spoken too for many years that relationship is definitely dead to be honest , I was a child when we stopped speaking after a row., At this stage i don't count her or her kids as family , she has never met my Fiance and i haven't seen her in person in about 6 years , when we do we openly ignore each other. In all honesty i tell people i only have 3 aunts , 3 uncles and 4 cousins because i do not count her or her kids as family any more.

I fell out with another uncle as a teenager over a row involving my grandfather who was quite ill at the time with terminal cancer. we didn't speak at all for over 2 years but he stepped up after my grandfathers death , apologized and we reconciled , don't have the warmest relationship with him but its at the very least civil.

The Raptor

pilly wrote: »

So he rang you twice from Australia and you didn't answer and you're angry over that?

I guess you didn't read my post properly. He was home last summer and rang me after 3 years. Rang me at a time i was in work, both times. I don't know what his phone call was about, but I'm sure it wasn't to make amends. He could have called in the evening or the weekend while he was home for 6 weeks.

Did you only pick out that phone call in my post, not anything else? His whole behaviour was nasty.

I was just saying that people aren't going to be waiting for the OP.

Big Bag of Chips

The Raptor wrote: »

I was just saying that people aren't going to be waiting for the OP.

You can't possibly know that. His situation isn't yours and you have posted at length about your issues with your brother(s). It is very clear that you are very angry and bitter and have little time for your brother. Although for someone who has so little time for him you spend a lot of time posting about him. You might be happy to never see him again but your mother would be heartbroken to never see him or speak to him again. Indeed a huge part of your problem with your brother is that she is always waiting to hear from him and welcomes him with open arms every time she does.

OP, I guess that's how your father feels. Sibling rivalry can last far beyond childhood as The Raptor has shown. But parents have a different relationship with their children and I think if you reached out to your dad he'd be delighted to hear from you. You have nothing to lose from making contact.

pilly

The Raptor wrote: »

I guess you didn't read my post properly. He was home last summer and rang me after 3 years. Rang me at a time i was in work, both times. I don't know what his phone call was about, but I'm sure it wasn't to make amends. He could have called in the evening or the weekend while he was home for 6 weeks.

Did you only pick out that phone call in my post, not anything else? His whole behaviour was nasty.

I was just saying that people aren't going to be waiting for the OP.

Yes I did only pick out the phone call from your post because whilst you're telling OP to reach out and he's a terrible person blah blah, when your brother reached out to you you didn't answer the phone. Doesn't matter what time of the day he rang. He rang twice, you didn't answer and you didn't return his call. So what's he supposed to do? Ball is now in your court.

You can not go telling others that their actions are terrible simply because of your own anger and bitterness.

sadie06

Do not put off reconciling (if it's what you really want) thinking that you have another decade to make it happen.

I recently lost my father. He went from outwardly healthy (gym three times a week, cycling the Western greenway this summer, active social life) to death in the space of 32 days after a cancer diagnosis. I have some regrets, things I wish I'd followed through on doing together, but on the whole I will be able to move forward without dwelling on them. I can't imagine ever getting over the loss if we had not been in contact and it had been down to fear on my part.

Do it! Face into it. Don't let another day pass without taking some sort of action or first step.

FortySeven

I was badly abused by my father as a child and I didn't speak to him for 25 years. When he was diagnosed with terminal cancer I decided to bury the hatchet and go and meet him.

I'm glad I did, he died this year and while I feel we made peace so far there is not a day gone by that I wish I had done more. I never thought of him much for those 25 years. Now I think of him all the time.

He was a cnut, he was abusive and not one person was going to go to his funeral so he didn't have one.

A despicable man but he was still my father and that is hard, very hard to deal with these last few months. I'm welling up now and I'm at work.

Make peace. Life is short, hard and painful enough to hold grudges. Christmas is a time for family. I'm sure yours would love to meet your child. You may even find some peace yourself.

Guilt can be crippling. You don't know what is around the corner any given day. Make that call.

MaroonAndGreen

FortySeven wrote:

I was badly abused by my father as a child and I didn't speak to him for 25 years. When he was diagnosed with terminal cancer I decided to bury the hatchet and go and meet him.

Totally reasonable you weren't speaking. I don't actually see why you got back in contact.

FortySeven

MaroonAndGreen wrote: »

Totally reasonable you weren't speaking. I don't actually see why you got back in contact.

Forgiveness is unconditional, it is something I never thought I would do but I'm glad I did. My father was only a man, flawed, nasty and depraved for sure but just a man. I think I needed to see that as well. I was 11 when social services took me so my memories were not representative of that.

I should probably mention that it threw me into such a depression that I lost my partner of 10 years, my children, my home and my job.

I'm coming back from that now though. Don't let that put you off op. (I'm prone to it, I'm bipolar)

pilly

FortySeven wrote:

I should probably mention that it threw me into such a depression that I lost my partner of 10 years, my children, my home and my job.

Getting back in touch threw you into depression?

FortySeven

pilly wrote: »

Getting back in touch threw you into depression?

Yes, I stopped going to work and took to the bed for months. By the time I came around everything was gone and all I had to show for it was a grand big bushy beard.

Like I said though, I'm bipolar so I'm prone to that kind of thing. OP should not worry too much about it.

I would not change what I did. It's just life, it's not easy.

pilly

FortySeven wrote:

I would not change what I did. It's just life, it's not easy.

I don't know, fair play to you but I don't know what benefit you got from it.

MaroonAndGreen

Yeah there is no way I would have resumed contact with someone who had seriously abused me. That they are a family member does not matter in them circumstances in my opinion. It's worse that it was a family member, as they betrayed a position of responsibility and trust

MaroonAndGreen

For the OP. I'm guessing you didn't stop talking for no reason. I guess you have to weigh up if your still angry over what may have occurred to cause your split. I sense you are ready to forgive maybe

FortySeven

pilly wrote: »

I don't know, fair play to you but I don't know what benefit you got from it.

I guess I had the choice of forgiving him or never forgiving myself for not trying.

The Raptor

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You can't possibly know that. His situation isn't yours and you have posted at length about your issues with your brother(s). It is very clear that you are very angry and bitter and have little time for your brother. Although for someone who has so little time for him you spend a lot of time posting about him. You might be happy to never see him again but your mother would be heartbroken to never see him or speak to him again. Indeed a huge part of your problem with your brother is that she is always waiting to hear from him and welcomes him with open arms every time she does.

OP, I guess that's how your father feels. Sibling rivalry can last far beyond childhood as The Raptor has shown. But parents have a different relationship with their children and I think if you reached out to your dad he'd be delighted to hear from you. You have nothing to lose from making contact.

I don't expect you to understand. Writing your story for somebody else doesn't make you angry and bitter. Writing posts and threads over and over again, that's not moving on. It's been 3 years and I have very much moved on and accepted the situation for what it is. He was aggressive towards me, he will never apologise. I'm happy not having someone like that in my life, family or not, there's no excuse for ****ty behaviour. Someone that says you're angry and bitter over a situation that they don't know is the one that has the problem.

Surreptitious

FortySeven wrote: »

I was badly abused by my father as a child and I didn't speak to him for 25 years. When he was diagnosed with terminal cancer I decided to bury the hatchet and go and meet him.

I'm glad I did, he died this year and while I feel we made peace so far there is not a day gone by that I wish I had done more. I never thought of him much for those 25 years. Now I think of him all the time.

He was a cnut, he was abusive and not one person was going to go to his funeral so he didn't have one.

A despicable man but he was still my father and that is hard, very hard to deal with these last few months. I'm welling up now and I'm at work.

Make peace. Life is short, hard and painful enough to hold grudges. Christmas is a time for family. I'm sure yours would love to meet your child. You may even find some peace yourself.

Guilt can be crippling. You don't know what is around the corner any given day. Make that call.

That's so awful, I'm sorry.

The Raptor

pilly wrote: »

Yes I did only pick out the phone call from your post because whilst you're telling OP to reach out and he's a terrible person blah blah, when your brother reached out to you you didn't answer the phone. Doesn't matter what time of the day he rang. He rang twice, you didn't answer and you didn't return his call. So what's he supposed to do? Ball is now in your court.

You can not go telling others that their actions are terrible simply because of your own anger and bitterness.

He was aggressive towards me. I don't expect you to understand. The hard part was not apologising for his behaviour. He had 3 years to apologise. Nothing when his kid came along. That was expected of me.

He was home for six weeks and rang twice while i was in work. That wasn't much trying. How about a more reasonable hour like in the evening when I'm not working. Or a voice message or something. I probably should have also mentioned that he likes prank calling where I missed 75 aggressive phone calls and voice messages left a few years ago. I think he was free from his wife in Ireland that he could continue to prank call me.

I guess i forgot to say that i was so shocked with his phone call that i didn't know what to do. But i did get in touch when he went back to Australia and he completely ignored my message.

It's not up to me to go running after him.

People don't understand and they tell you you're angry and bitter over the situation. The situation is horrible, I'm not like everyone else with that whole forgive and forget. I have moved on. But forgive and forget, no.

Cutting people out of your life for no reason is a horrible thing to do. From what i read in the original post, there didn't seem to be a reason, there was no mention of abuse or anything else. My brother done that, there wasn't a reason. That was horrible. Nobody knows the feeling when that is done to you.

Not everyone is going to like someone like that, not everyone is going to be sitting at home waiting for them with open arms either.

The OP can try but he should know what to expect. It may not go like the way he wants.

Big Bag of Chips

The Raptor, again none of that has anything to do with the OP. Without knowing any details you are making this very personal. Your issues with your family are well documented here on boards.ie. And I'd imagine there's 2 sides to every story, 3 actually, yours, his and somewhere in the middle the actual truth. If you don't ever wish to see, hear or speak to your brother and his family ever again that's completely your prerogative. But your other family members, your mother in particular are quite happy to be in contact with him, at whatever level that contact is. So to try tell the OP that there will be a blanket blanking of him and nobody will want to hear from him speaks more about your situation (and maybe even your wish that your family would blank your brother and make it easier for you) than it does about the OP's.

So yes, there's a chance some people might not welcome OP back with open arms, but there's an even bigger chance that his father, in particular, is just waiting for him to get in touch. Not everyone will react the same. Surely you can see that from your own situation? You have no interest in being in contact with your brother. Other family members are quite happy to be. If there was no big fall out, no argument, no back story, then it's very likely many people will just move on, happy to be in touch with the OP and to have the chance of a relationship with his son. I think a relationship with his aunt's, uncles and cousins is less important than that with his father. So if some of those people decide to not welcome him back, it's no great loss to him or his child. I have a fairly close family, no falling outs or anything and my children wouldn't really have much to do with my aunts and cousins. Very occasional family gatherings, usually funerals at this stage.

But if he is thinking about it now, a relationship with his father is clearly something that is playing on his mind. And for now, that relationship is the most important one to try salvage. It might take a bit of pride swallowing on the OP's part, but if nothing out of the ordinary happened, then I can only imagine his dad being happy to finally have his son (and new grandchild) back in his life. Whether or not others feel the same is pretty irrelevant.

The Raptor

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

The Raptor, again none of that has anything to do with the OP. Without knowing any details you are making this very personal. Your issues with your family are well documented here on boards.ie. And I'd imagine there's 2 sides to every story, 3 actually, yours, his and somewhere in the middle the actual truth. If you don't ever wish to see, hear or speak to your brother and his family ever again that's completely your prerogative. But your other family members, your mother in particular are quite happy to be in contact with him, at whatever level that contact is. So to try tell the OP that there will be a blanket blanking of him and nobody will want to hear from him speaks more about your situation (and maybe even your wish that your family would blank your brother and make it easier for you) than it does about the OP's.

So yes, there's a chance some people might not welcome OP back with open arms, but there's an even bigger chance that his father, in particular, is just waiting for him to get in touch. Not everyone will react the same. Surely you can see that from your own situation? You have no interest in being in contact with your brother. Other family members are quite happy to be. If there was no big fall out, no argument, no back story, then it's very likely many people will just move on, happy to be in touch with the OP and to have the chance of a relationship with his son. I think a relationship with his aunt's, uncles and cousins is less important than that with his father. So if some of those people decide to not welcome him back, it's no great loss to him or his child. I have a fairly close family, no falling outs or anything and my children wouldn't really have much to do with my aunts and cousins. Very occasional family gatherings, usually funerals at this stage.

But if he is thinking about it now, a relationship with his father is clearly something that is playing on his mind. And for now, that relationship is the most important one to try salvage. It might take a bit of pride swallowing on the OP's part, but if nothing out of the ordinary happened, then I can only imagine his dad being happy to finally have his son (and new grandchild) back in his life. Whether or not others feel the same is pretty irrelevant.

I didn't tell the OP that there will be a total blanking of him. I said that there might be some people that won't want anything to do with him.
The thread is about family relationships including his Dad, aunts, everyone. Who everyone is, only the OP knows. But not everyone is going to take him back, his parents probably will. I'm sorry for including a back story. But i wasn't the only person who said they have a brother they didn't quite like. One person has a brother who keeps in touch in case he needs anything from them.

pilly

The Raptor wrote: »

I didn't tell the OP that there will be a total blanking of him. I said that there might be some people that won't want anything to do with him.
The thread is about family relationships including his Dad, aunts, everyone. Who everyone is, only the OP knows. But not everyone is going to take him back, his parents probably will. I'm sorry for including a back story. But i wasn't the only person who said they have a brother they didn't quite like. One person has a brother who keeps in touch in case he needs anything from them.

What you actually said was "don't expect people to be waiting with open arms" and that what OP did was horrible.

Total jump to judge the OP because of your own circumstances. You've a lot of growing up to do Raptor, seriously.

There are lots of people who don't like their siblings, I'm not mad about some of mine. I don't go around telling strangers they're horrible because of it.

Big Bag of Chips

The Raptor wrote: »

I didn't tell the OP that there will be a total blanking of him. I said that there might be some people that won't want anything to do with him.

That's not really what you said though...

The Raptor wrote: »

You can try but don't expect people to be sitting around with open arms waiting for you.

The Raptor wrote: »

I was just saying that people aren't going to be waiting for the OP.

You seem fairly adamant that people (not some people) will not want to hear from him. Again you are projecting. Nobody can possibly know. The OP has given no detail. In a situation like this he has nothing to lose by making contact. Nothing.

If some people choose to not accept you back, OP, then that's their right. But even if they do you're no worse off than you are now having no contact with them anyway. But some people will definitely be happy to hear from you. People are all different, and everyone will react differently. Some people might hold a grudge. Others definitely won't. People, personalities and relationships are all unique, so everyone will react differently to each other in given circumstances.

I know I'm the type of person who wouldn't hold a grudge. And I know if it came to it that something happened that I never spoke to my sibling again I'd be sad about that, but I'd accept it for what it was. On the other hand, if something happened that I never spoke to my child again or met my grandchild I would be devastated. There is no comparison between the two relationships, for me!

The Raptor

pilly wrote: »

What you actually said was "don't expect people to be waiting with open arms" and that what OP did was horrible.

Total jump to judge the OP because of your own circumstances. You've a lot of growing up to do Raptor, seriously.

There are lots of people who don't like their siblings, I'm not mad about some of mine. I don't go around telling strangers they're horrible because of it.

Have you ever have someone, one of your brothers or sisters just ignore you? Was part of a family where the boys could do no wrong, you always had to suck up to them. There never was anything wrong. We always had to pretend everything was OK. Then you hear that phone calls were made to everyone in the village. Maybe not everyone but we were the last thing he cared about. I visited my grandmother one Easter to find that he rang her. He didn't bother with us at home and we had our messages ignored. Then you say something to them about it and it's automatically your fault? Calling me every name under the sun. Nothing was ever allowed to be said to him.

If you did, and you accept that from them, that is OK. But not me. There wasn't any reason for him to cut us out like that. But to turn the situation around on me.

Yes cutting people out when there is no reason is a horrible thing to do. I feel for the OP's family, i have been there, to be left wondering what they did, everything ignored. How do people think that is OK behaviour?

Maybe the OP shouldn't have came here if he wanted nice sympathetic replies.

pilly

The Raptor wrote: »

Have you ever have someone, one of your brothers or sisters just ignore you? Was part of a family where the boys could do no wrong, you always had to suck up to them. There never was anything wrong. We always had to pretend everything was OK. Then you hear that phone calls were made to everyone in the village. Maybe not everyone but we were the last thing he cared about. I visited my grandmother one Easter to find that he rang her. He didn't bother with us at home and we had our messages ignored. Then you say something to them about it and it's automatically your fault? Calling me every name under the sun. Nothing was ever allowed to be said to him.

If you did, and you accept that from them, that is OK. But not me. There wasn't any reason for him to cut us out like that. But to turn the situation around on me.

Yes cutting people out when there is no reason is a horrible thing to do. I feel for the OP's family, i have been there, to be left wondering what they did, everything ignored. How do people think that is OK behaviour?

Maybe the OP shouldn't have came here if he wanted nice sympathetic replies.

We get by now that you're never going to forgive your brother, fine. This thread is not about you. It appears your the one looking for sympathetic answers and not getting any, not OP. You're the only one that has called him a horrible person. Now please drop it, honestly. No-one agrees with you no matter how many times you tell the story.

The Raptor

Big bag of chips... people, some people... same thing.

Why are you digging into my posts? If you wanted me to talk about his relationship with his Dad, say so. Or with his relationship with everyone like he asked.

The Raptor

pilly wrote: »

We get by now that you're never going to forgive your brother, fine. This thread is not about you. It appears your the one looking for sympathetic answers and not getting any, not OP. You're the only one that has called him a horrible person. Now please drop it, honestly. No-one agrees with you no matter how many times you tell the story.

I didn't come here looking for sympathetic answers. I was giving a back story to what happened.

If the OP can come back and explain if there was a reason to why he cut people out, that would be great. But there wasn't any mention of a falling out or abuse. I'm just writing how some of his family may feel.

The Raptor

Good luck OP, hope everyone is happy to hear from you. I wish you well with whatever you do decide.

Big Bag of Chips

He asked for advice, instead of giving advice you gave many detailed rants about your brother. I'm not digging into any of your posts (other than quoting what you posted on this thread) anybody who is a regular poster here will be very familiar with your posting history and with your difficult relationship with your family.

Your experience and opinion is valid, the way you go about sharing it with others makes it more about you and less about their issue. Remember you are offering advice to a real person. It's not your brother!! You can obviously explain how hurt you are about your brother's actions, but you shouldn't turn that into categorically telling another person that people will not want to hear from them.

You can't possibly know that.

You don't want to hear from your brother. But you can't speak for others.

The Raptor

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

He asked for advice, instead of giving advice you gave many detailed rants about your brother. I'm not digging into any of your posts (other than quoting what you posted on this thread) anybody who is a regular poster here will be very familiar with your posting history and with your difficult relationship with your family.

Your experience and opinion is valid, the way you go about sharing it with others makes it more about you and less about their issue. Remember you are offering advice to a real person. It's not your brother!! You can obviously explain how hurt you are about your brother's actions, but you shouldn't turn that into categorically telling another person that people will not want to hear from them.

You can't possibly know that.

You don't want to hear from your brother. But you can't speak for others.

I wasn't talking about you digging into anything else. I said it. Some people, people...

Why are you talking about my posting history, from 3 years ago as if I'm still angry and bitter about the situation?

3 years ago, there were problems. I moved on.

I'm sorry for giving a back story but I feel for his family that he ignored.
The detailed rants as you call them was in reply to someone who didn't see my situation. Just clarifying things.
I wasn't telling him that people will not want to hear from him. I was telling him that there are people who won't want to hear from him. From his Dad, aunt, everyone, there will be someone who won't be too happy with him. Five years without any contact when there was no mention of any falling out or abuse. I can speak for someone that has had that happen, it is a horrible feeling. He can try but there is no way of knowing how people will be. That is the situation the OP is in, I'm sorry for pointing it out to him.

This is my last post here because, it doesn't matter what i say. I wish you well OP.

Neyite

Mod:

Can we get back on track here and keep replies to offering advice to the OP please? Ta.