6 months in and first major fight and he ends it

emmisaro

Hi all

I've been seeing this really nice guy for the last six months. We had our first major fight about two weeks ago and and the argument got quite heated and I said some nasty things. I apologised the next day and he broke up with me. I contacted him the day after and apologised profusely and begged him to forgive me and he didn't budge. I contacted him again the next day and the same until I gave in and said ok and then he said that's just how I feel now and I need some space. I haven't heard from him since although he was away for the weekend out of the country. Should I accept it's over or is there a glimmer of hope

Katgurl

I don't think there's anything to suggest he will change his mind, sorry. I don't know the fella obviously so I could be mistaken but I wouldn't be holding your breath.

You havent mentioned what the fight was about?

You said you said nasty things during the fight and then you were grovelling and trying to talk him around.

Perhaps big OTT nasty fights and then dramatic making up is normal in your relationship history but not his. A lot of people abhor drama. To be honest saying 'nasty things' is unacceptable to a lot of people; I assume they were of a personal nature? We're the nasty things even relevant to what the fight was about.

The bottom line is howecer that he's told you he doesn't want to make up so you should respect his decision here.

LegacyUser

Depends what the fight was over and what nasty things you said and why. If it was some fairly serious difference in opinion or outlook, or either of you did something that caused irreparable damage then maybe it's for the best.
If it seemed like he was looking for a reason to end it and won't listen reasonably to your apology then you have your answer too. If it was over something not very serious then it shows he's not willing to work at all at the relationship.
But think to yourself why you turned nasty, he's probably thinking to himself I don't want to be with someone who deals with conflict in this way. Leave him be for now you've apologised enough. Don't wait around. Work on yourself and why you felt the need to be nasty.

emmisaro

Katgurl wrote:

Perhaps big OTT nasty fights and then dramatic making up is normal in your relationship history but not his. A lot of people abhor drama. To be honest saying 'nasty things' is unacceptable to a lot of people; I assume they were of a personal nature? We're the nasty things even relevant to what the fight was about.

Katgurl wrote:

The bottom line is howecer that he's told you he doesn't want to make up so you should respect his decision here.

The fight started over him giving some unwanted advice about forcing my daughter to eat when she was sick. Then it went backwards and forwards on different things and I finished with saying some nasty personal things.

Prior to this we have been getting on amazingly and he has met my daughter and we've told each other we love each other.
I went back to college in September to finish my degree and I have been really stressed and I lashed out at it when I shouldn't have but it's not the norm. I thought our relationship could get past it but maybe not

minikin

Take it as a valuable life lesson. You've just thrown away a potential relationship with a man who has a healthy sense of self-respect.

Have a think about how you acted and whether it's something you can address, everyone in a relationship deserves respect - not just women.

Clampdown

It could be that he had issues with exes being verbally abusive in the past. I had that happen to me and I took the girl back, she promised to not do it again,etc but it happened again and again and then got physical. It was a nightmare. So if I got even a whiff of that behaviour again I'd be gone.

But having said that, we all say things we don't really mean at times and sometimes it's worth it to give someone a second chance. But I would leave it for now, after you've given a sincere apology you can only wait to see if he accepts it. Keeping at him will make things worse.

PopTarts

I agree with everyone else.

Throwing out nasty personal remarks during an argument loses it for you the whole time.

You need to think about your behaviour and try and control it the next time in your next relationship.

Personally, I wouldn't be giving a relationship another go where a partner was resorting to childish insults.

Just learn from it.

If you're busy with college and stressed you mightn't be at the right time in your life for a relationship.

Irish_rat

6 months isint that long of a relationship, whatever you said to him, it didn't sink right.

The personal attacks to get a reaction is a pet hate.

Its a good enough reason to end a relationship and I've done so in the past.

Xterminator

Hi OP

I think being victim to unwarranted personal insults is a good enough reason to end a relationship.

i am guessing from what you said and what you didnt say, but i guess the for you this is normal behavior. I say this because you seem to think that its okay to lash out, then say sorry afterwards.


but it isnt, and i hope this whole experience helps you to look closely in the mirror and see how this behavior has cost you and hurt him. Give him his space and perhaps he will give you another chance. But wether he does or not you will have to resolve to never behave in such a negative fashion again, for your own sake and that of your (future) partner.

hullaballoo

It is unhelpful that some people see the feelings experienced in the "heat of the moment" as justification for saying/doing anything, as long as you're sorry afterwards... it isn't. If it was physical violence rather than personal comments, it would be more clear-cut for most people but some words are even more damaging to a person than physical force.

If you feel that it isn't something you can control, that in the next big argument you have in another relationship will end with you saying nasty personal things, then you need to speak to a professional about this behaviour. If the next guy doesn't walk away after that, then he is allowing you to do damage and the end result of that damage will be a lot worse for you and him.

emmisaro

Ok I guess I'll have to accept it so. I know I was wrong I'm not trying to justify my behaviour at all. Major regrets

njs030

emmisaro wrote: »

The fight started over him giving some unwanted advice about forcing my daughter to eat when she was sick. Then it went backwards and forwards on different things and I finished with saying some nasty personal things.

Prior to this we have been getting on amazingly and he has met my daughter and we've told each other we love each other.
I went back to college in September to finish my degree and I have been really stressed and I lashed out at it when I shouldn't have but it's not the norm. I thought our relationship could get past it but maybe not

Maybe you need to learn to control your temper, you seem to think it's acceptable to start a fight over someone trying to help your sick daughter- the wording you used "unwanted advice about forcing my daughter to eat when she was sick" is very harsh when the likelihood is you were worrying about your daughter not eating and he tried to help.

I would guess there's a lot more to it then you're letting on or maybe you can't see it as you've missed the above- the nasty personal comments may have been the final straw.
How many other times have you ignored his opinion and he's just accepted it?

Perhaps I'm wrong but you seem to expect a lot from a very short relationship without giving much respect or thought to how he feels.
Some time out and really thinking about how you act on his ideas and suggestions might help you figure out what the real issues are.

emmisaro

I've never ignored his opinion at all before this. I can see exactly what you are saying about him just helping and I can see that now.

njs030

emmisaro wrote: »

I've never ignored his opinion at all before this. I can see exactly what you are saying about him just helping and I can see that now.

I think you just have to wait. Most people would be wary of someone who acted like that whatever your reasons were- it's way too early.
Give him space.

racso1975

Your thread title is interesting op in the sense that it appears to blame him. Look it things were obviously going swimmingly for you guys then on the first major argument you lash him out of it!! That probably came as a huge shock to him. I presume they were pretty bad as you describe them that way firstly and secondly when asked about them and the fight you tell what the fight was about but not what you had said.

You are obviously very regretful. Sometimes it can be hard to verbalise an apology correctly. If you want to give it one last try then maybe send him an email/facebook message/text explaining NOT justifing the behaviour and the stress you feel you have been under.

The fight started over him giving some unwanted advice about forcing my daughter to eat when she was sick. Then it went backwards and forwards on different things and I finished with saying some nasty personal things.

The bit in bold is something to think about. If you are having an argument about a particular thing and it starts going on to other topics it generally means you are harboring stuff that has annoyed you, not told your OH, then these things get blown out of proportion. Or else its done to score points to try and win an argument.

DukeOfTheSharp

If it ended after one fight, it really wasn't worthwhile - especially after six months. On top of that, you've a daughter, so I can imagine that there's a heaping helping of complexity in that alone, no matter how well he got along with her. He isn't her father, and that in and of itself is a massive commitment. People lose their heads in arguments when it comes to their kids; maybe he was pushing his luck, maybe he overstepped and in your worried state you lashed out, but judging by what you said, you crossed a line and/or several more. It's a case of incompatibility if I've ever heard it. Stress and all that aside, maybe dating right now - given that you've returned to college and have the added responsibility of a child - isn't the best idea. Other than that, without any real insight into what you said to him, nobody here can help you out, nor can they really formulate a proper response as we weren't there, didn't hear his retorts or know what terrible things you came out with. At the end of the day, put it down to a learning experience and take time for yourself and your child.

Ursus Horribilis

I'm wondering is there more to this than meets the eye? Was he having doubts before this, perhaps involving thoughts about dating a single mother? This row could have been a perfect storm. Not just a horrible big row but one that involved your child. One that reinforced for him the awkward position he's in.

As to whether this relationship is gone forever, I have no idea. Give him his time to think and don't try to contact him for now. It's like pouring petrol on a flame. He might come round, he might not.

Greenduck

ILook OP, don't beat yourself up. If he legs it after the first argument maybe he wasn't that into it/or scares easy.

Another thing to keep in mind is people handle confrontation differently. I calm down very quick after arguments whereas my partner needs a few days. This took some adjusting when we first went out. I know now just to leave him as it wont do any good to keep at him to make up.

When you're in a relationship first your constantly testing and creating boundaries. Its part of getting to know people. You obviously overstepped his boundary and he needs some space. Give it to him but make sure you let him know you're sorry and it wont happen again. Thats all you can do now! I hope you can work it out.

pookie82

Greenduck wrote: »

ILook OP, don't beat yourself up. If he legs it after the first argument maybe he wasn't that into it/or scares easy.

Another thing to keep in mind is people handle confrontation differently. I calm down very quick after arguments whereas my partner needs a few days. This took some adjusting when we first went out. I know now just to leave him as it wont do any good to keep at him to make up.

When you're in a relationship first your constantly testing and creating boundaries. Its part of getting to know people. You obviously overstepped his boundary and he needs some space. Give it to him but make sure you let him know you're sorry and it wont happen again. Thats all you can do now! I hope you can work it out.

This!! 100%. I'm the exact same ... I tend to flair up when angry, have it out, and then calm down within the hour and am ready to move on.

Whereas my bf internalises disagreements for days and takes a long, long time to get over them. It took me a while to get used to this, as in previous relationships I'd always had the same "fighting style" as my OH, i.e. having a row where it's all out there, and then both being ready to make up soon after.

Relationships will be full of disagreements, no two adults will go through life together without them. If you couldn't withstand the first, you have no hope of a future, no matter who's calling it, you or him.

I don't know what exactly he did to "spark" it, or what you said in retaliation, but I will say this ... rows by their very nature often evoke raised voices, or heated comments that aren't really meant and are apologised for later. Maybe he's someone who takes them too much to heart and can't forget them once they're uttered? If so, that's fairly toxic if your partner is the "get it all out" and then make up type. Doesn't sound like you are suited at all.

I firmly believe arguments, and the ability to overcome them, define a relationship just as much as the good times.

dixiefly

emmisaro wrote: »

The fight started over him giving some unwanted advice about forcing my daughter to eat when she was sick. Then it went backwards and forwards on different things and I finished with saying some nasty personal things.

Prior to this we have been getting on amazingly and he has met my daughter and we've told each other we love each other.
I went back to college in September to finish my degree and I have been really stressed and I lashed out at it when I shouldn't have but it's not the norm. I thought our relationship could get past it but maybe not

Did this all go on in front of your daughter? I dont think you have indicated your daughter's age but these things shouldnt play out in front of the kids even if they are very young.

It does sound as if he saw something in you during the exchange and, quite rationally, decided that a long term relationships will always have its ups and downs and that he doesnt want these type of arguments to be part of the downs.

That said, if I was really really into someone and i had these concerns I think I would try to work on the relationship at least once.

santana75

emmisaro wrote: »

Prior to this we have been getting on amazingly and he has met my daughter and we've told each other we love each other.
I went back to college in September to finish my degree and I have been really stressed and I lashed out at it when I shouldn't have but it's not the norm. I thought our relationship could get past it but maybe not

When you get nasty in the heat of the moment like that, its not love. Real love is when you respect the other person, even during an argument. Anyone with healthy self respect will see that kind of thing for what it is and walk away. Im not saying the relationship is over for good, its possible this guy could come around. But bloody hell Op, you need to learn the lesson that life is teaching you here. Dont get nasty, no matter what.

emmisaro

I'm on antidepressants with a while and I came down on my dose before going back to college because I was in a good place and felt I could bit with hindsight I think it was a mistake as I started to unravel with the pressure and when I do I push people away from me. I know that's the route cause of why I did what I did. Believe me I'm so sorry and upset about it all. I'm back up to my normal dose now so hopefully I'll start to cope better with the stress soon. I just really hope that he can forgive me

The Wolverine

To be honest unless you mention what insults you threw I'd say more he wasn't that pushed and twas a handy way of breaking up

Tigger99

santana75 wrote: »

When you get nasty in the heat of the moment like that, its not love. Real love is when you respect the other person, even during an argument. Anyone with healthy self respect will see that kind of thing for what it is and walk away. Im not saying the relationship is over for good, its possible this guy could come around. But bloody hell Op, you need to learn the lesson that life is teaching you here. Dont get nasty, no matter what.

100%. I would run for the hills if an argument got nasty 6 months in before I got too invested.

fergiesfolly

OP. Regarding your behavior. If it was a once off and you recognize it as such, I'd go easy on yourself. We all have periods in our lives where things get on top of us and lash out , out of character.
If you recognize your behavior as "normal", then maybe you need to look at how you manage stressful events and work to change your behavior.
I wouldn't see any harm in one final written and if he doesn't respond, move on.
Good luck.

timmy880

I'm on antidepressants with a while and I came down on my dose before going back to college because I was in a good place and felt I could bit with hindsight I think it was a mistake as I started to unravel with the pressure and when I do I push people away from me. I know that's the route cause of why I did what I did. Believe me I'm so sorry and upset about it all. I'm back up to my normal dose now so hopefully I'll start to cope better with the stress soon. I just really hope that he can forgive me

I think there are alot more layers here than "one big fight and he legged it" which is what the title of the thread suggested. It sounds like your stress has been building and building and in that case there were probably a number of smaller more petty arguments before the big one. Also we still don't know what personal things you said back (and I'm not asking either) but it probably hurt alot.

I'd give him space for now.

Big Bag of Chips

pookie82 wrote: »

rows by their very nature often evoke raised voices, or heated comments that aren't really meant and are apologised for later.

You see, I don't agree with this and think it's a cop out. I do agree that different people have different styles of arguing. I know with me and my husband if we argued, I would argue about the topic, he would get personal. It absolutely devastated me at times because he said things to me that I would never say to him. Ever. I'd never even think them about him. Even in an argument. One day I pointed it out to him and he hadn't realised that he did it, and that I didn't. He thought we both got personal, and it was only when I asked him to say one thing I had said about him, he couldn't. He grew up in a tougher area than I did where attack was always the first defense. So he grew up learning to get the hurtful blows in first. Whereas I didn't grow up like that.

I do believe it's very disrespectful and it then turns the argument away from the actual topic and onto something completely different. It's not ok to say things you don't mean and then just shrug it off with an apology and expect the other person to be ok with that. Especially if the other person is the type to not retaliate with nasty personal comments. It's hurtful. The person in your life who is supposed to love you and respect you more than anyone else, who's supposed to be in partnership can say such things, and think them. Because obviously, if you didn't think them, at some point, then you wouldn't think to say them out loud.

It's a nasty way to argue and it can be very hurtful for someone who doesn't do that. You can't unsay things! So even though an apology might be accepted the words are still out there and will still be going around his head long after the argument is over.

Calypso Realm

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

It's not ok to say things you don't mean and then just shrug it off with an apology and expect the other person to be ok with that. Especially if the other person is the type to not retaliate with nasty personal comments. It's hurtful. The person in your life who is supposed to love you and respect you more than anyone else, who's supposed to be in partnership can say such things, and think them. Because obviously, if you didn't think them, at some point, then you wouldn't think to say them out loud..

Exactly. In fact those things said in anger are actually what the person *believes*. deep down. Regardless of whether the things expressed are true or not, the motive always remains the same-to wound, humiliate, undermine and ultimately control the other person.. This type of behaviour would be a major dealbreaker for me regardless of the accuracy or even severity of the things expressed. it undoubtedly shows la distinct lack of emotional intelligence, something I could never tolerate in a partner!

I once worked with a woman who frequently resorted to emotionally-driven little tirades and spiteful outbursts and while her comments were for the most part factually inaccurate-we had to constantly correct he perception of events- the effect was always the same-colleagues needlessly felt hurt and humiliated, The only reason she 'got away' with it for so long was because she was a 'manager' so younger staff feared challenging her. An appalling blatant abuse of power.
I often wondered how her partner put up with her and I'm sure this behaviour also extended ito her personal life!

Dr Crayfish

If you already snapped and let loose, I'd put money on it that it's going to happen again if you got back together, probably sooner rather than later. Only underlying issues, insecurities and things that you just don't like about him can cause that kind of vitriol.
I admire the guy for walking away, there have been times in my life where the best thing I possibly could have done was the same.

pookie82

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You see, I don't agree with this and think it's a cop out.

What's your personal experience of arguments? You have never, ever fallen out with a person (friend/bf whoever) and said things in the heat of the moment that you didn't mean? They don't have to be personal digs, it could just be an irrational take on a situation driven by momentary anger.

If so, I admire you, but I think in real life, a lot of people do this.

Now if you're really ripping someone to shreds, going off topic and turning it into a slew of unrelated-to-the-disagreement insults, of course that's out of line, but I've often gotten angry about something and said things I didn't mean about the situation in the heat of the moment.

Anger, upset, hurt, and betrayal by their very nature are fairly visceral emotions and while some may internalise them and say nothing, or wait to calm down and bring it up a week later, others vent these emotions by means of raised voices or outbursts. I don't think the latter should automatically condemn a relationship, unless it's happening daily/weekly.

It's very nice of course if you can sit down and say "excuse me, I would like to discuss in a very calm manner how much you have hurt me" but often they just blow up out of annoyance and things can be said in the heat of the moment which aren't genuinely meant.

I definitely think as you a) get older and b) get to know someone better, you learn how to handle arguments better, but saying that a heated disagreement is the death knell of a relationship doesn't stand true to my experience of them. I guess everyone is different.

A lot of people seem to think "whatever is said in the heat of an argument must be true"; I disagree with that. You hear the same phrase tossed out all the time about drunk people speaking the truth. When I'm drunk I can talk absolute drivel, a lot of which I definitely don't mean to any such extent as that to which I've expressed (but that's because I tend to get "I love everything" drunk and can tell even a mild acquaintance they're my greatest friend after a few pints).

In any case it sounds like on this occasion, whether it was what she said, or how she said it, he's not willing to continue with the risk of a repeat.

Big Bag of Chips

The OP is specifically talking about personal, nasty things she said to her bf. That's what I'm talking about. And no, I have never said personally insulting things in the heat of the moment that I then put down to "heat of the moment, I didn't mean it".

Of course couples argue and disagree. That's how it originally started for the OP. Then she turned it into a personal attack on her bf. That's not ok, and as another poster mentioned it shows a real lack of emotional intelligence. The best way she could find to argue her point was to undermine her bf. As I said, my husband used to argue like that until I pointed it out to him. He is a very well educated, highly intelligent man. But his emotional intelligence is very lacking. He acknowledges this and puts it down to his upbringing.