My husband is texting another woman

unreg999

It's called 'Gas Lighting' OP... he's trying to confuse you and make out it your fault not his... manipulation at its highest & unfortunately textbook behaviour for a cheater... often goes hand in hand with Nacarcistic Personality...

You poor thing, my heart just did a turn reading your post... he will try to deny it even further & tell you that you mis-read the texts or that they never existed (he'll have deleted them) or that you are over reacting or being dramatic... but you did see them & you need to hold on to that...

The fact that you are pregnant with his child now too just goes beyond nasty... 'you weren't giving him enough intimacy'.. ffs you're only 3 months pregnant & what if you were sick or depressed or just not in the mood? Is he going to go off looking for it elsewhere each time like some over-grown man baby who can't control his libido??!

The fact of the matter is that HE & only HE is responsible for the decision he made to cheat with this woman, whether they have met or not, he's shared intimacy with her & given her attention when he should have been concentrating on you & your family

I'm so so sorry for you, you have heard times ahead no matter what you decide but you can & will get through this & you will be a stronger person because of it.

Gather your tribe around you, people who love you & will support you... let them know what's going on, you NEED their help now, & focus on yourself & your little one.

Mind yourself op

irishgirl19

The story is BS. None of it adds up.
And shes sending lovingly messages yet the never met? I don't think so.
If he wants a chance at making it work he will need to be 100% honest. Hes not taking responsibility

retro:electro

trekgirl wrote: »

hi everyone, I appreciate you all taking the time to comment. Yesterday was such a bad day, today not much better. I feel like all my hopes and dreams for the future have dissolved. I've left for a couple of days to clear my head or try to come to some sort of decision on what I'm going to do. He's been ringing and texting begging for me to come home and try and sort this out. He says its the biggest mistake of his life and he'll do anything to put things right.
But how do I ever forgive him for this? he's effectively been having a "cyber" affair. He swears that he's never touched her or slept with her and that one of his friends had passed her his number thinking it was funny! He says he told he wasn't interested when she got in contact but she was supposedly persistent. He wasn't able to make the first 12 week scan at the hospital due to work but I realised that when I had sent him the picture through he was texting her at the same time. The baby scan didn't even make him stop.
How would I ever get over this and move on and trust him again?

Ah sure the poor crayture what could he do. God love him he didn't even want her number it was passed on as a joke. And then sure she was so persistent with him what else could he do but keep texting her? He's not to blame op sure he's a victim just like you. Ugh. Honest to god lines like his make me feel angry. He's an arsehole.

donkeykong5

anna080 wrote: »

trekgirl wrote: »

hi everyone, I appreciate you all taking the time to comment. Yesterday was such a bad day, today not much better. I feel like all my hopes and dreams for the future have dissolved. I've left for a couple of days to clear my head or try to come to some sort of decision on what I'm going to do. He's been ringing and texting begging for me to come home and try and sort this out. He says its the biggest mistake of his life and he'll do anything to put things right.
But how do I ever forgive him for this? he's effectively been having a "cyber" affair. He swears that he's never touched her or slept with her and that one of his friends had passed her his number thinking it was funny! He says he told he wasn't interested when she got in contact but she was supposedly persistent. He wasn't able to make the first 12 week scan at the hospital due to work but I realised that when I had sent him the picture through he was texting her at the same time. The baby scan didn't even make him stop.
How would I ever get over this and move on and trust him again?

Ah sure the poor crayture what could he do. God love him he didn't even want her number it was passed on as a joke. And then sure she was so persistent with him what else could he do but keep texting her? He's not to blame op sure he's a victim just like you. Ugh. Honest to god lines like his make me feel angry. He's an arsehole.

If I post the words to describe this "arse hole "then I would be thrown off the site. He is despicable. ........

Foresty

donkeykong5 wrote: »

If I post the words to describe this "arse hole "then I would be thrown off the site. He is despicable. ........

I'm half expecting OP to come back and say the other woman forced herself on him or something! That's what people like him do!

daisybelle2008

racso1975 wrote: »

I call total and utter BS on the friend giving the number as a laugh firstly. Secondly is he that weak and fragile that a couple of persistent texts from your wan broke down his loyalty to you?

You cannot forgive him and move forward until he at least tells you the whole truth

This ^^
If he expects you to believe this, let him get his 'mate' to come over and confirm his story. After all his friend will be mortified and want to put right any damage his 'prank'.

In fact. I would make him bring over both the girl and friend over, preferably at the same time and let the 3 of them confirm the story. 'They have never met' 'it was all a harmless joke' etc. etc.

He is not going to be able to get those two to come over and lie to a pregnant woman on his behalf for a stupid story that makes no sense and makes them look completely ridiculous. But I’d take pleasure making him try. I would tell him I need this to move forward and get the truth ‘out in the open’, that it is for our own good.

He is manipulative and sneaky. Throwing everyone under the bus including you, he is relying on you swallowing his bull****. Let him tell his fanciful stories to others in front of you and see how far he gets :rolleyes:.
I would tell him you absolutely need to speak to both the friend and girl for 'peace of mind' and altruistically to ensure they would think twice about doing it again etc. and task him with making it happen, after all he created the mess. He should be happy to do whatever it takes to fix it.

donkeykong5

<mod snip - donkeykong5, please read our charter and other threads here to get a feel for what is expected. At a minimum if you don't have constructive advice to offer please don't post. While your post is supportive of the OP the language used fails in the above and is bordering on actionable.>

Estrellita

Trek girl, I'm also 3 months pregnant. It hurts my heart to even think about my OH having an affair, whether it's physical or an emotional. God love him, I couldn't see it in him, but hypothetically speaking.. he would be a gonner

Right now, you can't say he's even remotely sorry for what he has done. As others have pointed out, he's busy blaming everyone else. You having morning sickness and low libido is a spineless b.astard of an excuse for him to go elsewhere. So what, first sign of a bit of change and he's looking elsewhere for his bit? Rather than talk to you about it? As a couple, and supposedly your best friend he was meant to talk to you first, not chase the first bit of skirt he can get his hands on.

In your shoes, I'd be gone. Your relationship shouldn't have been that expendable to him. And he wouldn't have taken that chance if he respected the future mother of his child the way he should. The future would look bleak to me, but things would get better. This little one is depending on you to get through this, and focusing on the baby might help instead of listening to round after round of his amended stories to put him in a better light. He has broken a trust between you, and you have to ask yourself if you took him back would you trust him while he's out of your sight? If the answer is no, then don't go back to him. Because you will never be happy.

All I can say now is don't reply to him. Switch off your phone if you can. Don't let his lies poison the truth, what has happened. Take help and support from wherever you can get it. Family or friends will help you get over the worst of this. "I'm sorry, you know I love you" is the oldest trick in the book, by the way. I listened to that s.hit for over a decade. Men like this aren't sorry, they are only sorry they got caught.

Take care of yourself TG, and your baby xx

brenbyrn

Hey op - i feel so bad for you - what a d1ck he is to treat you like this.
Im a guy in my mid 30s and I've been thru a similar situation with my ex wife about a year ago.

We have kids together and i caught her texting someone. She denied anything was going on, said nothing ever happened then eventually found out she'd kissed him on a night out and they met up a lot. Thats as much of the truth i ever found out. But she denied it for a long time...

If he's lied about the texting - you need to be sure thats all he's lying about. Id agree with other posters - if you think there's any hope of salvaging the relationship he needs to tell you everything and be completely honest with you (if thats at all possible I dont know). Maybe meeting this woman hearing it from her that nothing happened would help you move forward together - if thats what you want.

I know the heartbreak you are feeling - a year on i still feel it. The dream of the perfect family shattered by lies and deceit.

But you must think about yourself and your new baby - although this is horrible, it better you've found out now that years down the line when you've had a few kids together. You deserve a lot better than being lied to like this. Surround yourself with loving friends and family - they will help. Tell your closest friends and family members to help deal with the situation - i bottled it up for a long time and made it harder on myself.

Deal with this with your closest friends and they will help you get through it and move on. Best of luck and keep positive.

StanleyOllie

What an awful position you are in. What ever decision you make be sure its right for you. Don't feel rushed.... there is no time limits on you deciding what to do. Take control of the situation for yourself and dont be allowing him to rush or push you to move on.
He will be very worried about how he will be perceived by his family and friends and if this is his priority for fixing things you will now his intentions are not right.
Him keeping the texts from this girl... did he want to be found out. He got caught up in this fantasy relationship.. the excitement of the deceit and chase. Keep reminding yourself its him who is at fault but now you need to be strong for baby and yourself.. and make your decision on whats best for both of you. Can you live with the mistrust. The remembering he cared more about a text than the scan..... I really wish you all the best. Things work out eventually... wait and see but maybe not how you initially envisaged.

ShaShaBear

Oh OP, I just couldn't pass your post. My heart actually hurt! I've been with my own OH 5 years and we are married just shy of 2 months. We have two kids under 3 and if I found out he was texting another woman with even half the commitment your husband seems to be giving this other woman, I would be LIVID

You being pregnant is no excuse, and your change in shape (although very subtle at 12 weeks) is no excuse. A man who truly loves you would probably swing the opposite way, finding the sight of a bump with his tiny little human hiding in it very beautiful. When you get so big you need help putting socks on, where will he be? When you go into labour where will he be? When you come home, tender and tired (even if you have it easy), where will he be? When you have to wait 5 weeks or more to be intimate, is it going to be your fault? If the baby has colic or has a growth spurt and starts teething and you have sleepless night after sleepless night is it all going to be your fault?

For a man in such a rush to get all these things from you, it doesn't sound like he did an awful lot of research. I'd half wonder if he was hoping it would act as a nice ball and chain and the fact that you're tied to him by marriage and blood would make you excuse his behaviour. A lot of people show their true colours after the paper has been signed :mad:

jones 19

Straight up, get the hell out of there , he's no good. And won't be if hes acting the maggot after 3 months. You'll never relax again and not worry about his wandering. Get out and get on.

dudara

OP - Big Bag of Chips has given some incredible, spot-on advice here, and I'd like to echo parts of it.

Firstly, I'd be willing to bet my bottom dollar that this is more than texting. That will hurt you, so I am sorry.

Secondly, he's still trying to figure a way out of this with minimum damage. This is actually a pretty normal reaction. As you learn more, his story will shift and change, but if you are lucky you might get to the real truth.

Thirdly, he might accept what he has done. If he does, then there is a chance that you can rebuild. It wouldn't be easy, and both sides will have to move on, but it can be done. It's entirely up to you.

I'm reluctant to call him a bad man or a manipulator for the simple reason that I've seen this before from normal guys. It's actually a very cliched story and I bet there are quite a few women here who could write this script. People can do very stupid things and it can take them a while to admit / face up to what they've done.

suicide_circus

That's rough op, I really feel for you. How you'll ever trust him again I don't know. The fact that he won't take responsibility is worrying. Could you look into getting an annulment as if seems he's been unfaithful to you virtually your entire marriage and probably long before that as well?

silverbolt

trekgirl wrote: »

hi everyone, I appreciate you all taking the time to comment. Yesterday was such a bad day, today not much better. I feel like all my hopes and dreams for the future have dissolved. I've left for a couple of days to clear my head or try to come to some sort of decision on what I'm going to do. He's been ringing and texting begging for me to come home and try and sort this out. He says its the biggest mistake of his life and he'll do anything to put things right.
But how do I ever forgive him for this? he's effectively been having a "cyber" affair. He swears that he's never touched her or slept with her and that one of his friends had passed her his number thinking it was funny! He says he told he wasn't interested when she got in contact but she was supposedly persistent. He wasn't able to make the first 12 week scan at the hospital due to work but I realised that when I had sent him the picture through he was texting her at the same time. The baby scan didn't even make him stop.
How would I ever get over this and move on and trust him again?

So a random stranger was totally persistant in getting him to text back? Maybe she thought he was some sort of Greek God made manifest?????

First off, tell him to stop texting. Tell him you will text him. This constant pleading is only going to exacerbate your emotional state.

Secondly - thus far (as other have said) he has blamed everyone but himself (except in im so sorry, im a horrible human being look at poor old me)

Thirdly - I dont think his affair was merely cyber.

Rekop dog

I'd hazard a guess that posters who are of the more sympathetic nature towards your husband are those who have either cheated or been cheated on and then forgiven which has given them a skewed logic on this whole thing. And them saying how common his behavior is is just a reflection of the circles they mix in, and probably some sort of cognitive bias.

The simple fact is this guy should have been on cloud nine with his I'm assuming first child arriving with his very newly wed wife. Instead he proceeded to behave in the most disrespectful and humiliating manner towards you and even tried to shame you as an excuse for his behaviour.

The worst conclusion you can come to here would be that this is so common that 'ah sure everyone is the same, I won't do better'. Believe me not every guys morals are in the gutter like your husband and while yes, you're facing into a very scary and uncertain short to medium term future, for your own as sanity and well being it's better without someone who will continue to crush your self worth.

tomwaterford

There also the option of abortion and walking away fully from him/everything..


(Don't know fully your circumstances/views on it OP...it's an option is all)

Estrellita

tomwaterford wrote: »

There also the option of abortion and walking away fully from him/everything..


(Don't know fully your circumstances/views on it OP...it's an option is all)

I also thought of this, but was less brave than Tom to say it first. It is a highly emotive issue, and you don't know how someone might take the suggestion.

If it's something you wouldn't completely rule out, it is an option. Showing your cards regarding your stance on abortion can end up in a debate, which I didn't want to open up. But the fact of the matter is, you do have choices.

^ That aside, I hope you are okay Trekgirl, and have talked to family for support.

leggo

Yeah OP, if you're thinking of abortion, it's an option but I just wouldn't post it here as the last thing you need with everything going on is the moral uproar that'll come from some with saying it.

Big Bag of Chips

I just want to clarify that I am in no way sympathetic to your husband. I think he is below contempt. My sympathies lie fully with you. But I think having a wall of posters saying "leave him" isn't doing you justice. Everyone will make up their own minds, and while for some leaving would be the only option, for others staying and working on the relationship is an option.

You are in an overwhelming situation, OP. And it is your life, your marriage, your husband. So while people can advise, nobody here can make your decision or tell you what you should do. And overwhelming as your situation is, it doesn't need the added stress of people making you feel if you decide one way or another that you are wrong.

Whatever decision you come to, you will be ok. Whatever decision you make it will be difficult, but you will get through it. Don't feel pressured, either by your husband, or by well meaning people telling you there's no future for your marriage. You will make the decision that is right for you. And you will be ok.

Hmm_Messiah

trekgirl wrote: »

But how do I ever forgive him for this? he's effectively been having a "cyber" affair. He swears that he's never touched her or slept with her and that one of his friends had passed her his number thinking it was funny! He says he told he wasn't interested when she got in contact but she was supposedly persistent. How would I ever get over this and move on and trust him again?

Can I risk giving you another perspective, which does not diminish your right to be horrified and disgusted but also some slim possibility of not seeing everything broken ?

I was in a slightly similar situation, and I was the bad guy. It differed somewhat but essentially I continues contact with some one other than my OH. There was NO physical contact and never would be. it was a fantasy thing as I dealt with a complicated life situation. And it was me who told my other half as I found it impossible to reconcile it with continuing in a relationship. That relationship is still intact 3 years later.

adjusting my mind frame to your husbands situation it is possible for some one to do something very very stupid, I mean unbelievably stupid and do it for a long time - while you measure it in months his brain compartmentalises it into 1 thing. And it is also totally possible to find that impossible to rationalise or verbalise with he other half, so it almost sounds like you are being blamed even though that is not the intent at all.

I think it is devastating for you - an more so when you think " on this day he was texting "we" were doing x and y" . If you cannot get over that betrayal ( which of course it is) then you need to consider your future without him, But this is not , to me, some instant " no way back" scenario.
Listen to your husband
Emphasis and be explicit with your hurt/anger/betrayal/sadness

Also maybe ( and here I am highlighting possibilities to salvage your relationship , I know there are other view points that lessen that )

Consider - he did not physically betray you - there is likely some reason for that. "cheating by text" is easy, easy to misbalance judgments and morals . Actually betraying his wife is a whole different thing

It is also possible he developed an addictive pattern that was less about you, less about sex, and just about the pattern itself. I know the contact I retained for so long immorally , I had NO inclination to follow up physically ( if anything it helped stop me make a fking stupid decision to split and go sh@g others just cos the situation I was in was so confused)

It all depends, if you are willing, on what sense he and you can make of what happened.

IF you try to progress, due to the pregnancy and how so short your marriage life is, I would recommend you get counselling involved as a support for you mostly - it will help you be more rationale in decisions you have to make ( avoiding both extremes of just blankly deciding its all over, or blankly deciding you love and/or need him and putting up with it)

I am very slow to talk about my personal life; but some of what you wrote echoed my disastrous time 3 years ago, when I was the person causing the hurt. And like I said my relationship continued, and the crazy thought patterns that contributed at the time are resolved for ever - the situation could never arise again

finally, and this might seem a little too much; but for your own sake try not discard any recent good memories as if they had no meaning - I truly believe some people wrongly compartmentalise behaviour, and the sweet memory you have of some certain event or day is actually genuine despite all the mess now presented to you

Take care of yourself

Chocolate girl

I agree with the others OP if he is texting someone this early in your marriage you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of this if you let him away with it. You are pregnant with his first child he should be worshiping the ground you walk on. Me personally he would be gone I know that's easier said than done but I would not want this idiot who only thinks of himself and his manhood anywhere near me.

daisybelle2008

If I was in that situation I personally would at least consider going to England and wiping the slate clean and making sure I was not tied to this selfish moron for the next 18 years. That's not advice, just a choice I would consider as would others I would wager so maybe consider the choices as others have said.
All respect and trust would be gone for me, especially his pathetic 'my friend pranked me' 'she made me do it', 'you were not giving me enough attention'.........

Also, I do not believe for one minute that it wasn't physical. I think he actually met her on a boys night out or dating site. Random people who have never met do not start 'sexting' and sending loving messages appropos of nothing. There is a level of intention that he is completely glossing over and I would be calling the friend up to confirm his nonsense. If the friend backs him up (:rolleyes:), I would give the friend the bollocking of his life.

I don't know OP it is the sheer ludicrousness and insult to your intelligence that would push me over the edge.

eviltwin

I'm sure the OP is aware of all her options. While I am very much pro choice I am uncomfortable with the idea of anyone making a decision like this under such emotional stress. It's very easy in the heat of the moment to have knee jerk reactions that are driven by emotion rather than logic. OP if you are considering this please get some support and counselling from a reputable agency before you do anything drastic.

leggo

Rereg wrote: »

Rereg nonsense

That's what I was suggesting you avoid OP. If you said that's what you were going to do, multiply that by a thousand (and it works both ways), and you've enough going on without people barging in with their unwanted opinions on abortion.

LegacyUser

OP you've gotten some very good advice here and I'd second those posters who say not to make any quick decisions and take some time for yourself to do what's best for you and your baby. I was in your shoes once (not pregnant) and I got the same lines, they were just friends, it was down to me etc etc. I was too stressed and probably too proud to talk to any of my friends so I buried it and married him. Biggest mistake ever. We're now divorced after the same issues arose again and I really don't believe a leopard changes its spots. I do believe people can make once off mistakes but those people admit it, take full responsibility and don't lay the blame on you. His story sounds ridiculous and quite frankly insulting to your intelligence and just smacks of wanting to appear like he really isn't at fault. I wish you well and hope you have the space to clear your head and look to your future. If you think you can get over it then that's great but will you always be wondering when he gets a text or a call? It's no way to live. I hope everything works out for you.

LegacyUser

OP: Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt....sold the tickets.
My advice: LEAVE, or rather, kick him out. Get your pound of flesh and maximum maintenance. This will happen again and again....you will always be too fat, too moody...too whatever. Being honest, I wish I had never tried to patch things up with my then husband. I wish I had had the balls to just cut loose there and then when I found out only some of his dalliances. But I listened to the: I will change...I will do this...I will do that, and you know what; I let myself believe it because I was so heartbroken and humiliated and so much more , that I was literally a doormat.
I know it's harsh advice, that every case has to be judged on its merits, and equally that you are the only one who can decide what is right for you. Take your time and don't rush it. I hate the fact that he didn't make time for your scan...I got dropped to the hospital having my second child , and told "give me a ring when the baby is born" . I don't want that to be you.
Best wishes to you, and cyber hugs xxxx

dollyk

so if you are reading this I hope you are ok .

OCEANIC FIZZY POP NINE

Hmm_Messiah wrote: »

finally, and this might seem a little too much; but for your own sake try not discard any recent good memories as if they had no meaning - I truly believe some people wrongly compartmentalise behaviour, and the sweet memory you have of some certain event or day is actually genuine despite all the mess now presented to you

They are trashed for ever, especially if within the time frame of when the betrayal was happening. Everything is trashed, if you're looking at pictures you'll check the date to see was it withing the time frame.

To look at a pic you have to check the date and then they all end up being tainted.

Merkin

dollyk wrote: »

so if you are reading this I hope you are ok .

Please don't ask for updates either directly or otherwise. I'm going to close the thread OP but if you'd like it reopened again at any stage we will be happy to oblige.