My husband is texting another woman

trekgirl

Hello everyone,
I've been a long time follower on boards but this is my first ever post.
This morning I found out that my husband of 5 months (together 5 years) has been texting another woman for months. I had a bad feeling recently when he became absorbed on his phone and I had seen a name pop up on his messages that I didn't recognise. when I asked who it was he said it was a work colleague but his demeanour told me different. There was a defensiveness in his voice. Against all by beliefs I check d his phone this morning and there are hundreds and hundreds of messages between then, loving messages, sexual messages, photos of each other sent back and forth. I ran to the bathroom and was sick from what I saw. I confronted him and he tried to calm me down and explain but I ran from the house in a state. I'm 3 months pregnant, I'm totally heartbroken and I don't know what to do.
I thought we had a really strong relationship in every way possible.. he could wait to be married and be a Dad so much so he wanted to get married within 6 months of been engaged and start a family straight away. we both wanted it so that's what we did.
Now I'm here, lost, unable to speak from the devastation..Please help me...

irishgirl19

My heart goes out to you. I don't really know what to say buy couldn't not type anything after reading it.
That is terrible. Is there anywhere you can stay for a while. The health of you and your baby is paramount so you don't need this stress.
If you decide to stay together he will have to be completely honest. I know accord do relationship counseling based on what you can afford to pay.

leggo

That's awful, I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through it, especially while pregnant. Right now you need time and space to process it all. Nobody can tell you whether to leave or stay with him or anything like that, that's all stuff you need to figure out in your own time. Go back when you can, pack up some stuff to get you by in the short-term, then if you can stay with family or a friend (someone you can talk at length to ideally) for a few days while you get your head around it, that'd be for the best. When you're ready, contact him and tell him you need to talk, then go from there.

lawred2

That's tough op. Sorry to hear. What defence did he offer up in an attempt to calm you?

And while you're pregnant. As$hole

amtc

You poor poor thing. I do know when my ex fianc cheated on me I just knew. It was just the way he said this girl's name. It made me think I was mad.

Get yourself to a place of love and peace.

trekgirl

Thanks for all the replies everyone. His excuse is " he doesn't know why" he says since we got married we haven't been close enough and because I've been sick since I became pregnant he feels neglected because I wasn't up for much in the bedroom some nights.
We are living with his parents since we got married as we are renovating and its been tough because his brothers and sisters live at home and the house is so busy all the time. We rarely get alone time in the house but I make as much effort as possible to get some time alone in the evening like walks etc..
I feel like he's blaming me for him doing this,, because I've had morning sickness. The girl he was texting is so slim and attractive and because I'm growing a bump he doesn't find me attractive anymore.
He's pleading with me to come and meet him to talk but I cant face him. I thought I knew him inside out, he's my best friend in the whole world and I trusted him with everything. It feels like my whole world has been shattered and this should be the happiest time of my/our lives.

Big Bag of Chips

Typical deflecting of his behaviour. You're only 3 months pregnant. So sick for 2 months maybe? This has been going on for a lot longer so what was his excuse before that. Or in 2 months of you being sick has he managed to find someone to stroke his poor neglected ego? He will have to blame you. It will have to be your fault, because the alternative is to admit he's an arsehole.

For now you need to stay away because everything he says will be lies. He will minimise it. He will deflect blame. He will blame you, her. He will admit to very little, only what you already know. You will get more and more upset and frustrated listening to him and you will even start believing him. And blaming yourself.. you're already doing it. You're 3 months pregnant. With his child. You're hardly huge. So stop thinking like that. He's an arsehole. He might cop on to himself and do everything in his power to make it up to you, relationships can and do survive cheating. But he's not in that place yet. So don't put yourself in a place where you have to listen to even more lies and excuses.

There's no rush. You don't need to go back and listen to him tonight. Maybe a night or 2 or more will give him time to reflect on what he is risking.

Whatever happens you will be ok.

clairewithani

3 months pregnant on first child? You would barely notice. plus he has been texting for months. Not your fault, believe me.

amtc

I bought my first house with my then fianc . His phone rang with the name of the other woman. He replied by saying he couldn't talk as 'she's here'. I got so sick and vomited in the solicitor's office. After we signed the papers we walked across to his car. There was a sculpture of Rodin's The Kiss on Harcourt Street and he grabbed my hand and said ' We may as well look like a couple'. I saw red, rang my mam and went home. He called round later, now I realise only because I had the letter to get the keys!

Mind yourself, and your little one. Leopards do not change spots

lawred2

You still signed?

donkeykong5

amtc wrote: »

I bought my first house with my then fianc . His phone rang with the name of the other woman. He replied by saying he couldn't talk as 'she's here'. I got so sick and vomited in the solicitor's office. After we signed the papers we walked across to his car. There was a sculpture of Rodin's The Kiss on Harcourt Street and he grabbed my hand and said ' We may as well look like a couple'. I saw red, rang my mam and went home. He called round later, now I realise only because I had the letter to get the keys!

Mind yourself, and your little one. Leopards do not change spots

Sadly I have to agree 100% with this poster. leopards do not change their spots. What a slime ball. His excuses are crap. I feel so sorry for you.

LegacyUser

You know you can never go back OP....
I mean, how would he ever be able to cope with the post-birth recovery, the sleepless nights, feeds, etc? These days are the easy ones!
Remember what you're mourning is the loss of the dream, not who he really is - he has hidden his true colours from you all this time.

Foresty

You're gonna want to talk to everyone and no one, don't tell anyone/to many whats happened (yet) till you decide what you are going to do.

It'll be impossible to make everyone think he's not the sc*m he is afterwards if you decide to still try and make a go of it.

Only you can decide that and it's gonna take at least 3 months for the utter headwreck of what you've just read and the length of time of the betrayal to start to fade.

With people like him though that can do that to someone they "love" and he already making a bullsh1t excuse - the decision would be easy if not for the baby.

I'm about 3 months in to a similar situation except for no baby. Sit on it for a few days before you meet but you're gonna need people/internet/TV/work, constantly.

You'll see in a few days that you're not actually surprised what he has done, a hell of a lot of stuff is gonna pop in your mind that he has done in the past and you'll be kicking yourself for not running years ago.


People nowadays, they get a little attention on social media and they are off riding all round them, tiny % will genuinely regret what they did but relationships nowadays are just not worth it. The amount of relationships nowadays where at least 1 is unfaithful must be 80%, study years ago had it at 60% and it was just a question "Have you ever cheated?" Cheaters aren't known for their truthfulness.

irishgirl19

fbbbbv wrote:

You know you can never go back OP.... I mean, how would he ever be able to cope with the post-birth recovery, the sleepless nights, feeds, etc? These days are the easy ones! Remember what you're mourning is the loss of the dream, not who he really is - he has hidden his true colours from you all this time.

I agree with this. If he is blaming it on morning sickness etc, to be blunt you're not physically going to be up for sex for a few weeks after baby comes.
You will be exhausted and don't need the worry at the back of your mind worrying if your husband will run off again.
Whatever he is saying it is NOT your fault. As someone else posted, that is typical behavior of a cheater who has been caught.
Talk to your doctor/midwife if you are feeling very down.

I know this is the last thing on your mins but I would also get an STI screening ASAP

Wishing you all the best x

donkeykong5

irishgirl19 wrote: »

fbbbbv wrote:

You know you can never go back OP.... I mean, how would he ever be able to cope with the post-birth recovery, the sleepless nights, feeds, etc? These days are the easy ones! Remember what you're mourning is the loss of the dream, not who he really is - he has hidden his true colours from you all this time.

I agree with this. If he is blaming it on morning sickness etc, to be blunt you're not physically going to be up for sex for a few weeks after baby comes.
You will be exhausted and don't need the worry at the back of your mind worrying if your husband will run off again.
Whatever he is saying it is NOT your fault. As someone else posted, that is typical behavior of a cheater who has been caught.
Talk to your doctor/midwife if you are feeling very down.

I know this is the last thing on your mins but I would also get an STI screening ASAP

Wishing you all the best x

I actually felt sick when you told that poor girl to get an std screening test. But sadly you are 100% right. God help her and -'ck him

Chocolate fiend

You will never trust him again, how could you? As for him trying to blame you - coward move. Make sure you tell his parents and siblings this, they really need to know what sort of a snake they have in the family.

donkeykong5

Chocolate fiend wrote: »

You will never trust him again, how could you? As for him trying to blame you - coward move. Make sure you tell his parents and siblings this, they really need to know what sort of a snake they have in the family.

Usually the parents of these scumbags stand by the -uckers. I hope she is strong enough to just dump him

Foresty

donkeykong5 wrote: »

Usually the parents of these scumbags stand by the -uckers. I hope she is strong enough to just dump him

Yea, blood is thicker than water, if they don't already know, they won't give a fiddilers after a few days.

irishgirl19

Foresty wrote:

Yea, blood is thicker than water, if they don't already know, they won't give a fiddilers after a few days.

You are probably right :-(

trekgirl

hi everyone, I appreciate you all taking the time to comment. Yesterday was such a bad day, today not much better. I feel like all my hopes and dreams for the future have dissolved. I've left for a couple of days to clear my head or try to come to some sort of decision on what I'm going to do. He's been ringing and texting begging for me to come home and try and sort this out. He says its the biggest mistake of his life and he'll do anything to put things right.
But how do I ever forgive him for this? he's effectively been having a "cyber" affair. He swears that he's never touched her or slept with her and that one of his friends had passed her his number thinking it was funny! He says he told he wasn't interested when she got in contact but she was supposedly persistent. He wasn't able to make the first 12 week scan at the hospital due to work but I realised that when I had sent him the picture through he was texting her at the same time. The baby scan didn't even make him stop.
How would I ever get over this and move on and trust him again?

Rekop dog

It's hardly a mistake on his part though is it. Not a heat of the moment act but a very much conscious decision to continually interact with this other person. You'd be naive to think he hasn't gone any further with her as well I'd say, and probably with others too if his morals are as low as to do this while you're carrying his child.

Not going to the scan is just more proof of how low he values you, I'm sure he had plenty of notice for when it was and any man worth his salt would have cleared time with work in advance to be there. I'm afraid you've married a right scumbag.

racso1975

I call total and utter BS on the friend giving the number as a laugh firstly. Secondly is he that weak and fragile that a couple of persistent texts from your wan broke down his loyalty to you?

You cannot forgive him and move forward until he at least tells you the whole truth

Magicmatilda

If he had been remorseful from the minute you found out I would have some belief that he is sorry and won't do it again.

Unfortunately he is not. He has tried to blame both you and her but has taken no responsibility himself.

You need time without him contacting you. Ask him to leave you alone, no contact for 2 or 3 days.

As for his excuse about your pregnancy, firstly this appears to have begun before then. Secondly how will he cope after you have the baby when you are so tired you can barely stand let alone provide him with his conjugal needs.

Also the fact that he was so gung ho to get married and have babies stood out to me. Was this around the time the affair started? Its almost like in some crazy way he felt by rushing down the aisle and marrying you and starting a family he was somehow making up for being a cheat. Like the "good" would outweigh the "bad". Was he anxious to marry prior to getting engaged. That is all just conjecture, I know, but it just stood out to me.

As someone else said cheats rarely admit to more that they have to. Why would this girl continue texting for months if she never met him. You read the texts, you know the content, did it sound like they never met each other?

Sorry Op but he doesn't sound sorry and he doesn't sound like he is taking responsibility which I think means he is unlikely to change. He also doesn't sound mature enough to cope with a baby. I genuinely think from what you have said here that you would be better to walk away now as I fear he will just continue to chip away at your confidence and treat you with no respect until that feels normal to you. However given you are three months pregnant I could totally understand why you would stay. Its a very tough situation. Have you good friends to talk to in real life? might be worth seeing a counsellor for a while anyway (alone to work out what is best for you and baby). At the minute he is making it all about him, he wants to talk to you so he is hounding you, he wants to make it work, he wants this, he wants that, he wanted her and he got her because its about him fulfilling his needs with no regards for yours. A marriage cannot work like that, at least not a happy one.

banoffe2

So sorry for you OP but well done on your honesty and taking a stand, so many people go into denial to protect themselves from the pain of reality. You and your baby are the number one here, give yourself all the space and time you need, it is devastating to realize that we got it wrong in so far as the person we believed we loved and had a future with was not the person we thought they were, without trust there is noting to work on or build on.

His guilty behaviour and pleas now turn to manipulating you with texts and empty promises, he needs to face the consequences of his behaviour, no excuse for it, none whatsoever.

You can and will get through this, take one hour at a time, and reach out for support to those who you can trust and rely on.

I agree with previous posters that leopards don't change their spots, I have experience of infidelity and gave my then husband 3 chances as I had low self worth from all the psychological abuse and put downs, I also had children from in primary, secondary and beginning third level, I will never forget our only daughter's first day in school, trying to keep up a front when my heart was breaking inside as he was high on the affair with his mistress at the time. People like that are insecure and unhappy inside, they are constantly searching for someone to fill that emptiness inside them which is not possible, I got out with great difficulty but got on with it, no regrets, wouldn't go back for half an hour, the sweetest revenge of all is when they want you back and you are no longer interested because you have healed and moved on, none of these affairs last and they begin again to get over the accumulated let down and hurt of each one, on a journey to nowhere.

Mind yourself OP, you can do this, keep reaching out XXX

Mr. Incognito

I recommend you might show him this link

http://www.slaaireland.org

Gregor Samsa

I'm very sorry to hear of the situation you've found yourself in, and the anger and sardonicism in my post is 100% directed at him, and not you.

Seriously, people don't just start a "cyber affair" with a random phone number they were handed.

Does he really expect you to believe that this total stranger was so besotted with him - even though she had never met him - that she wouldn't let up on him even though he was married and oh so valiantly told her that she wasn't interested? And she has these magic powers of persuasion that can make a grown, married father-to-be just crumble through the mere medium of messaging? And yet - despite the fact that she has this total hold on him that isn't his fault - she's perfectly happy to settle for a flirtatious messaging affair that goes on for months and months, but absolutely nothing more? Either this buffon hasn't even managed to think up the most basic of convincing lies, or he thinks you're a total idiot that will believe anything, so he hasn't bothered to try.

If he thinks the first 3 months of pregnancy is hard - the bit where fathers basically have to do absolutely nothing (and I say that as a father that's been through it twice) - wait until he meets the last trimester, the birth itself, the first 6 months where you survive on about 3 hours sleep a night. Or indeed the next 18 years of raising and nurturing a human being. This guy isn't cut out to be a husband or a father, and he's a liar to boot.

As soon as you hear someone think that their pregnant wife has become "unattractive" as a result of the pregnancy, you know that they're a total, irredeemable scumbag. That is not how normal husbands view the woman that is carrying their child.

Be strong and stay strong, you deserve better than this guy.

Foresty

You won't be able to move past it as you'll always be wondering what he's at I'm afraid.

Only a Cyber Affair? How do you know that? Because he told you? How can you believe anything he says? Depending on how much you read on his phone you already know what he was at.

You need his phone, to read it all, it won't be easy reading but it limits the utter crap he can say to you then.

People that do the long term affair are on another level, not right in the head, the amount of sneaking, secrets and lies he's been telling you for months, you've copped the baby scan, theirs loads more coming over next few days as you process it.

He doesn't give a crap, guilt is eating him up at the min is all.

You stay away for an extended period (3 weeks) and I'd bet you'll go a good 5 days where you won't even hear from him as his adjustment will be quick.

Where was he last night? Home? How do you know?

Big Bag of Chips

He's text book, OP, unfortunately.
His story will shift and change so many times over the next few months.

First it was your fault.
Then his friend's.
Then hers.

So far it's everyone's fault but his.

This is why you need to cut contact with him for at least a few days. He will wreck your head with lies and excuses and you will end up feeling worse about yourself. That he thinks so little of you that he will lie to your face to save himself. I wouldn't be too sure that he has never met her either. Again, he's on damage control and is trying to make it out to not be quite so bad as you think.

When the truth is probably worse than you think, unfortunately.

Tell him to leave you alone for a few days and you will contact him when you are ready to talk to him. Turn off your phone if you can, or at least block his number temporarily. You need space to think, and you can't think of he's constantly at you changing the story bit by bit.

He's not ready to accept responsibility yet. He's hoping you'll buy some of the other stories first. By staying away and not listening to him you're not only saving yourself from tall tales, your also giving him the time to realise that you won't be taken for a fool. Stay away. Emotions are too high for you to deal with this logically at the moment. Talking to him will only end in a screaming match. Your world is crumbling around you and the next year of your life is not going to be much easier. Whatever happens this won't be sorted before the weekend.

There's no rush. You and your baby and the priority now, not him getting things back to normal with as little fuss as possible.

eviltwin

Sounds like an overgrown child terrified at the thought of parenthood and responsibility. It's so disrespectful to you, your marriage and your baby and all his excuses are just that.....there is nothing he can say that will minimise what he's done. It's typical he's blaming everyone else. He's still lying to you, what chance can you have if even now he's still being dishonest. You need space for now to process what's happened and think about what you want to do long term. I'd be inclined to agree with everyone who says he won't change, he won't even take responsibility for what he's done now so how can you trust him in the future.

Big Bag of Chips

I think it's only natural he's lying now. It's human nature, unfortunately. He's hoping he can smooth this over with a few lines and it'll all be forgotten. He doesn't get the enormity of it yet. He doesn't understand the affect it has and is going to have on you for a long time to come, OP. I wouldn't be too quick to jump to it being immediately over, and leopards and spots and all the rest of it. Relationships can and do survive cheating, but the initial period of revelation is always going to messy, and upsetting and full of lies and excuses. Up to yesterday he was going along thinking he wasn't really hurting anyone. Immature and idiotic, without a doubt but you finding out OP has caught him as off guard as it has you. So you're all over the place and he's a trapped rat looking for an escape.

That's why you need to let it settle for a while. He may never change or he may absolutely turn himself around and realise he is 100% at fault. You're the only one who can judge that. I think the poster who said don't tell too many people yet is right. The more people who know, the more people will rally behind you telling you you deserve better, and you do. But deserving better doesn't have to mean someone else, it could be him treating you better and making amends. If people are all telling you not go back it will make it all the harder if you decide as a couple to work through it.

Even strangers here are telling you you can never trust him again, so well meaning family and friends will all be supporting you, but supporting you in leaving him.

You should have someone to confide in. Someone who will listen and advise but not judge. Someone who will look out for you and have your best interests at heart, regardless of what choice you make. Someone who won't try to force you one direction or another.

This is so raw at the moment. Nobody can tell you what is going to happen or what choice you should make.

Bandana boy

I suspect he was more than texting , I think agreeing a 2-3 day break from each other and for him to 100% admit everything he was up to is required if you are going to be able to move on from this.

What he did was despicable , but couples do recover from these things if they are honest with each other.