My husband is texting another woman

trekgirl

Hello everyone,
I've been a long time follower on boards but this is my first ever post.
This morning I found out that my husband of 5 months (together 5 years) has been texting another woman for months. I had a bad feeling recently when he became absorbed on his phone and I had seen a name pop up on his messages that I didn't recognise. when I asked who it was he said it was a work colleague but his demeanour told me different. There was a defensiveness in his voice. Against all by beliefs I check d his phone this morning and there are hundreds and hundreds of messages between then, loving messages, sexual messages, photos of each other sent back and forth. I ran to the bathroom and was sick from what I saw. I confronted him and he tried to calm me down and explain but I ran from the house in a state. I'm 3 months pregnant, I'm totally heartbroken and I don't know what to do.
I thought we had a really strong relationship in every way possible.. he could wait to be married and be a Dad so much so he wanted to get married within 6 months of been engaged and start a family straight away. we both wanted it so that's what we did.
Now I'm here, lost, unable to speak from the devastation..Please help me...

irishgirl19

My heart goes out to you. I don't really know what to say buy couldn't not type anything after reading it.
That is terrible. Is there anywhere you can stay for a while. The health of you and your baby is paramount so you don't need this stress.
If you decide to stay together he will have to be completely honest. I know accord do relationship counseling based on what you can afford to pay.

leggo

That's awful, I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through it, especially while pregnant. Right now you need time and space to process it all. Nobody can tell you whether to leave or stay with him or anything like that, that's all stuff you need to figure out in your own time. Go back when you can, pack up some stuff to get you by in the short-term, then if you can stay with family or a friend (someone you can talk at length to ideally) for a few days while you get your head around it, that'd be for the best. When you're ready, contact him and tell him you need to talk, then go from there.

lawred2

That's tough op. Sorry to hear. What defence did he offer up in an attempt to calm you?

And while you're pregnant. As$hole

amtc

You poor poor thing. I do know when my ex fianc cheated on me I just knew. It was just the way he said this girl's name. It made me think I was mad.

Get yourself to a place of love and peace.

trekgirl

Thanks for all the replies everyone. His excuse is " he doesn't know why" he says since we got married we haven't been close enough and because I've been sick since I became pregnant he feels neglected because I wasn't up for much in the bedroom some nights.
We are living with his parents since we got married as we are renovating and its been tough because his brothers and sisters live at home and the house is so busy all the time. We rarely get alone time in the house but I make as much effort as possible to get some time alone in the evening like walks etc..
I feel like he's blaming me for him doing this,, because I've had morning sickness. The girl he was texting is so slim and attractive and because I'm growing a bump he doesn't find me attractive anymore.
He's pleading with me to come and meet him to talk but I cant face him. I thought I knew him inside out, he's my best friend in the whole world and I trusted him with everything. It feels like my whole world has been shattered and this should be the happiest time of my/our lives.

Big Bag of Chips

Typical deflecting of his behaviour. You're only 3 months pregnant. So sick for 2 months maybe? This has been going on for a lot longer so what was his excuse before that. Or in 2 months of you being sick has he managed to find someone to stroke his poor neglected ego? He will have to blame you. It will have to be your fault, because the alternative is to admit he's an arsehole.

For now you need to stay away because everything he says will be lies. He will minimise it. He will deflect blame. He will blame you, her. He will admit to very little, only what you already know. You will get more and more upset and frustrated listening to him and you will even start believing him. And blaming yourself.. you're already doing it. You're 3 months pregnant. With his child. You're hardly huge. So stop thinking like that. He's an arsehole. He might cop on to himself and do everything in his power to make it up to you, relationships can and do survive cheating. But he's not in that place yet. So don't put yourself in a place where you have to listen to even more lies and excuses.

There's no rush. You don't need to go back and listen to him tonight. Maybe a night or 2 or more will give him time to reflect on what he is risking.

Whatever happens you will be ok.

clairewithani

3 months pregnant on first child? You would barely notice. plus he has been texting for months. Not your fault, believe me.

amtc

I bought my first house with my then fianc . His phone rang with the name of the other woman. He replied by saying he couldn't talk as 'she's here'. I got so sick and vomited in the solicitor's office. After we signed the papers we walked across to his car. There was a sculpture of Rodin's The Kiss on Harcourt Street and he grabbed my hand and said ' We may as well look like a couple'. I saw red, rang my mam and went home. He called round later, now I realise only because I had the letter to get the keys!

Mind yourself, and your little one. Leopards do not change spots

lawred2

You still signed?

donkeykong5

amtc wrote: »

I bought my first house with my then fianc . His phone rang with the name of the other woman. He replied by saying he couldn't talk as 'she's here'. I got so sick and vomited in the solicitor's office. After we signed the papers we walked across to his car. There was a sculpture of Rodin's The Kiss on Harcourt Street and he grabbed my hand and said ' We may as well look like a couple'. I saw red, rang my mam and went home. He called round later, now I realise only because I had the letter to get the keys!

Mind yourself, and your little one. Leopards do not change spots

Sadly I have to agree 100% with this poster. leopards do not change their spots. What a slime ball. His excuses are crap. I feel so sorry for you.

LegacyUser

You know you can never go back OP....
I mean, how would he ever be able to cope with the post-birth recovery, the sleepless nights, feeds, etc? These days are the easy ones!
Remember what you're mourning is the loss of the dream, not who he really is - he has hidden his true colours from you all this time.

Foresty

You're gonna want to talk to everyone and no one, don't tell anyone/to many whats happened (yet) till you decide what you are going to do.

It'll be impossible to make everyone think he's not the sc*m he is afterwards if you decide to still try and make a go of it.

Only you can decide that and it's gonna take at least 3 months for the utter headwreck of what you've just read and the length of time of the betrayal to start to fade.

With people like him though that can do that to someone they "love" and he already making a bullsh1t excuse - the decision would be easy if not for the baby.

I'm about 3 months in to a similar situation except for no baby. Sit on it for a few days before you meet but you're gonna need people/internet/TV/work, constantly.

You'll see in a few days that you're not actually surprised what he has done, a hell of a lot of stuff is gonna pop in your mind that he has done in the past and you'll be kicking yourself for not running years ago.


People nowadays, they get a little attention on social media and they are off riding all round them, tiny % will genuinely regret what they did but relationships nowadays are just not worth it. The amount of relationships nowadays where at least 1 is unfaithful must be 80%, study years ago had it at 60% and it was just a question "Have you ever cheated?" Cheaters aren't known for their truthfulness.

irishgirl19

fbbbbv wrote:

You know you can never go back OP.... I mean, how would he ever be able to cope with the post-birth recovery, the sleepless nights, feeds, etc? These days are the easy ones! Remember what you're mourning is the loss of the dream, not who he really is - he has hidden his true colours from you all this time.

I agree with this. If he is blaming it on morning sickness etc, to be blunt you're not physically going to be up for sex for a few weeks after baby comes.
You will be exhausted and don't need the worry at the back of your mind worrying if your husband will run off again.
Whatever he is saying it is NOT your fault. As someone else posted, that is typical behavior of a cheater who has been caught.
Talk to your doctor/midwife if you are feeling very down.

I know this is the last thing on your mins but I would also get an STI screening ASAP

Wishing you all the best x

donkeykong5

irishgirl19 wrote: »

fbbbbv wrote:

You know you can never go back OP.... I mean, how would he ever be able to cope with the post-birth recovery, the sleepless nights, feeds, etc? These days are the easy ones! Remember what you're mourning is the loss of the dream, not who he really is - he has hidden his true colours from you all this time.

I agree with this. If he is blaming it on morning sickness etc, to be blunt you're not physically going to be up for sex for a few weeks after baby comes.
You will be exhausted and don't need the worry at the back of your mind worrying if your husband will run off again.
Whatever he is saying it is NOT your fault. As someone else posted, that is typical behavior of a cheater who has been caught.
Talk to your doctor/midwife if you are feeling very down.

I know this is the last thing on your mins but I would also get an STI screening ASAP

Wishing you all the best x

I actually felt sick when you told that poor girl to get an std screening test. But sadly you are 100% right. God help her and -'ck him

Chocolate fiend

You will never trust him again, how could you? As for him trying to blame you - coward move. Make sure you tell his parents and siblings this, they really need to know what sort of a snake they have in the family.

donkeykong5

Chocolate fiend wrote: »

You will never trust him again, how could you? As for him trying to blame you - coward move. Make sure you tell his parents and siblings this, they really need to know what sort of a snake they have in the family.

Usually the parents of these scumbags stand by the -uckers. I hope she is strong enough to just dump him

Foresty

donkeykong5 wrote: »

Usually the parents of these scumbags stand by the -uckers. I hope she is strong enough to just dump him

Yea, blood is thicker than water, if they don't already know, they won't give a fiddilers after a few days.

irishgirl19

Foresty wrote:

Yea, blood is thicker than water, if they don't already know, they won't give a fiddilers after a few days.

You are probably right :-(

trekgirl

hi everyone, I appreciate you all taking the time to comment. Yesterday was such a bad day, today not much better. I feel like all my hopes and dreams for the future have dissolved. I've left for a couple of days to clear my head or try to come to some sort of decision on what I'm going to do. He's been ringing and texting begging for me to come home and try and sort this out. He says its the biggest mistake of his life and he'll do anything to put things right.
But how do I ever forgive him for this? he's effectively been having a "cyber" affair. He swears that he's never touched her or slept with her and that one of his friends had passed her his number thinking it was funny! He says he told he wasn't interested when she got in contact but she was supposedly persistent. He wasn't able to make the first 12 week scan at the hospital due to work but I realised that when I had sent him the picture through he was texting her at the same time. The baby scan didn't even make him stop.
How would I ever get over this and move on and trust him again?

Rekop dog

It's hardly a mistake on his part though is it. Not a heat of the moment act but a very much conscious decision to continually interact with this other person. You'd be naive to think he hasn't gone any further with her as well I'd say, and probably with others too if his morals are as low as to do this while you're carrying his child.

Not going to the scan is just more proof of how low he values you, I'm sure he had plenty of notice for when it was and any man worth his salt would have cleared time with work in advance to be there. I'm afraid you've married a right scumbag.

racso1975

I call total and utter BS on the friend giving the number as a laugh firstly. Secondly is he that weak and fragile that a couple of persistent texts from your wan broke down his loyalty to you?

You cannot forgive him and move forward until he at least tells you the whole truth

Magicmatilda

If he had been remorseful from the minute you found out I would have some belief that he is sorry and won't do it again.

Unfortunately he is not. He has tried to blame both you and her but has taken no responsibility himself.

You need time without him contacting you. Ask him to leave you alone, no contact for 2 or 3 days.

As for his excuse about your pregnancy, firstly this appears to have begun before then. Secondly how will he cope after you have the baby when you are so tired you can barely stand let alone provide him with his conjugal needs.

Also the fact that he was so gung ho to get married and have babies stood out to me. Was this around the time the affair started? Its almost like in some crazy way he felt by rushing down the aisle and marrying you and starting a family he was somehow making up for being a cheat. Like the "good" would outweigh the "bad". Was he anxious to marry prior to getting engaged. That is all just conjecture, I know, but it just stood out to me.

As someone else said cheats rarely admit to more that they have to. Why would this girl continue texting for months if she never met him. You read the texts, you know the content, did it sound like they never met each other?

Sorry Op but he doesn't sound sorry and he doesn't sound like he is taking responsibility which I think means he is unlikely to change. He also doesn't sound mature enough to cope with a baby. I genuinely think from what you have said here that you would be better to walk away now as I fear he will just continue to chip away at your confidence and treat you with no respect until that feels normal to you. However given you are three months pregnant I could totally understand why you would stay. Its a very tough situation. Have you good friends to talk to in real life? might be worth seeing a counsellor for a while anyway (alone to work out what is best for you and baby). At the minute he is making it all about him, he wants to talk to you so he is hounding you, he wants to make it work, he wants this, he wants that, he wanted her and he got her because its about him fulfilling his needs with no regards for yours. A marriage cannot work like that, at least not a happy one.

banoffe2

So sorry for you OP but well done on your honesty and taking a stand, so many people go into denial to protect themselves from the pain of reality. You and your baby are the number one here, give yourself all the space and time you need, it is devastating to realize that we got it wrong in so far as the person we believed we loved and had a future with was not the person we thought they were, without trust there is noting to work on or build on.

His guilty behaviour and pleas now turn to manipulating you with texts and empty promises, he needs to face the consequences of his behaviour, no excuse for it, none whatsoever.

You can and will get through this, take one hour at a time, and reach out for support to those who you can trust and rely on.

I agree with previous posters that leopards don't change their spots, I have experience of infidelity and gave my then husband 3 chances as I had low self worth from all the psychological abuse and put downs, I also had children from in primary, secondary and beginning third level, I will never forget our only daughter's first day in school, trying to keep up a front when my heart was breaking inside as he was high on the affair with his mistress at the time. People like that are insecure and unhappy inside, they are constantly searching for someone to fill that emptiness inside them which is not possible, I got out with great difficulty but got on with it, no regrets, wouldn't go back for half an hour, the sweetest revenge of all is when they want you back and you are no longer interested because you have healed and moved on, none of these affairs last and they begin again to get over the accumulated let down and hurt of each one, on a journey to nowhere.

Mind yourself OP, you can do this, keep reaching out XXX

Mr. Incognito

I recommend you might show him this link

http://www.slaaireland.org

Gregor Samsa

I'm very sorry to hear of the situation you've found yourself in, and the anger and sardonicism in my post is 100% directed at him, and not you.

Seriously, people don't just start a "cyber affair" with a random phone number they were handed.

Does he really expect you to believe that this total stranger was so besotted with him - even though she had never met him - that she wouldn't let up on him even though he was married and oh so valiantly told her that she wasn't interested? And she has these magic powers of persuasion that can make a grown, married father-to-be just crumble through the mere medium of messaging? And yet - despite the fact that she has this total hold on him that isn't his fault - she's perfectly happy to settle for a flirtatious messaging affair that goes on for months and months, but absolutely nothing more? Either this buffon hasn't even managed to think up the most basic of convincing lies, or he thinks you're a total idiot that will believe anything, so he hasn't bothered to try.

If he thinks the first 3 months of pregnancy is hard - the bit where fathers basically have to do absolutely nothing (and I say that as a father that's been through it twice) - wait until he meets the last trimester, the birth itself, the first 6 months where you survive on about 3 hours sleep a night. Or indeed the next 18 years of raising and nurturing a human being. This guy isn't cut out to be a husband or a father, and he's a liar to boot.

As soon as you hear someone think that their pregnant wife has become "unattractive" as a result of the pregnancy, you know that they're a total, irredeemable scumbag. That is not how normal husbands view the woman that is carrying their child.

Be strong and stay strong, you deserve better than this guy.

Foresty

You won't be able to move past it as you'll always be wondering what he's at I'm afraid.

Only a Cyber Affair? How do you know that? Because he told you? How can you believe anything he says? Depending on how much you read on his phone you already know what he was at.

You need his phone, to read it all, it won't be easy reading but it limits the utter crap he can say to you then.

People that do the long term affair are on another level, not right in the head, the amount of sneaking, secrets and lies he's been telling you for months, you've copped the baby scan, theirs loads more coming over next few days as you process it.

He doesn't give a crap, guilt is eating him up at the min is all.

You stay away for an extended period (3 weeks) and I'd bet you'll go a good 5 days where you won't even hear from him as his adjustment will be quick.

Where was he last night? Home? How do you know?

Big Bag of Chips

He's text book, OP, unfortunately.
His story will shift and change so many times over the next few months.

First it was your fault.
Then his friend's.
Then hers.

So far it's everyone's fault but his.

This is why you need to cut contact with him for at least a few days. He will wreck your head with lies and excuses and you will end up feeling worse about yourself. That he thinks so little of you that he will lie to your face to save himself. I wouldn't be too sure that he has never met her either. Again, he's on damage control and is trying to make it out to not be quite so bad as you think.

When the truth is probably worse than you think, unfortunately.

Tell him to leave you alone for a few days and you will contact him when you are ready to talk to him. Turn off your phone if you can, or at least block his number temporarily. You need space to think, and you can't think of he's constantly at you changing the story bit by bit.

He's not ready to accept responsibility yet. He's hoping you'll buy some of the other stories first. By staying away and not listening to him you're not only saving yourself from tall tales, your also giving him the time to realise that you won't be taken for a fool. Stay away. Emotions are too high for you to deal with this logically at the moment. Talking to him will only end in a screaming match. Your world is crumbling around you and the next year of your life is not going to be much easier. Whatever happens this won't be sorted before the weekend.

There's no rush. You and your baby and the priority now, not him getting things back to normal with as little fuss as possible.

eviltwin

Sounds like an overgrown child terrified at the thought of parenthood and responsibility. It's so disrespectful to you, your marriage and your baby and all his excuses are just that.....there is nothing he can say that will minimise what he's done. It's typical he's blaming everyone else. He's still lying to you, what chance can you have if even now he's still being dishonest. You need space for now to process what's happened and think about what you want to do long term. I'd be inclined to agree with everyone who says he won't change, he won't even take responsibility for what he's done now so how can you trust him in the future.

Big Bag of Chips

I think it's only natural he's lying now. It's human nature, unfortunately. He's hoping he can smooth this over with a few lines and it'll all be forgotten. He doesn't get the enormity of it yet. He doesn't understand the affect it has and is going to have on you for a long time to come, OP. I wouldn't be too quick to jump to it being immediately over, and leopards and spots and all the rest of it. Relationships can and do survive cheating, but the initial period of revelation is always going to messy, and upsetting and full of lies and excuses. Up to yesterday he was going along thinking he wasn't really hurting anyone. Immature and idiotic, without a doubt but you finding out OP has caught him as off guard as it has you. So you're all over the place and he's a trapped rat looking for an escape.

That's why you need to let it settle for a while. He may never change or he may absolutely turn himself around and realise he is 100% at fault. You're the only one who can judge that. I think the poster who said don't tell too many people yet is right. The more people who know, the more people will rally behind you telling you you deserve better, and you do. But deserving better doesn't have to mean someone else, it could be him treating you better and making amends. If people are all telling you not go back it will make it all the harder if you decide as a couple to work through it.

Even strangers here are telling you you can never trust him again, so well meaning family and friends will all be supporting you, but supporting you in leaving him.

You should have someone to confide in. Someone who will listen and advise but not judge. Someone who will look out for you and have your best interests at heart, regardless of what choice you make. Someone who won't try to force you one direction or another.

This is so raw at the moment. Nobody can tell you what is going to happen or what choice you should make.

Bandana boy

I suspect he was more than texting , I think agreeing a 2-3 day break from each other and for him to 100% admit everything he was up to is required if you are going to be able to move on from this.

What he did was despicable , but couples do recover from these things if they are honest with each other.

unreg999

It's called 'Gas Lighting' OP... he's trying to confuse you and make out it your fault not his... manipulation at its highest & unfortunately textbook behaviour for a cheater... often goes hand in hand with Nacarcistic Personality...

You poor thing, my heart just did a turn reading your post... he will try to deny it even further & tell you that you mis-read the texts or that they never existed (he'll have deleted them) or that you are over reacting or being dramatic... but you did see them & you need to hold on to that...

The fact that you are pregnant with his child now too just goes beyond nasty... 'you weren't giving him enough intimacy'.. ffs you're only 3 months pregnant & what if you were sick or depressed or just not in the mood? Is he going to go off looking for it elsewhere each time like some over-grown man baby who can't control his libido??!

The fact of the matter is that HE & only HE is responsible for the decision he made to cheat with this woman, whether they have met or not, he's shared intimacy with her & given her attention when he should have been concentrating on you & your family

I'm so so sorry for you, you have heard times ahead no matter what you decide but you can & will get through this & you will be a stronger person because of it.

Gather your tribe around you, people who love you & will support you... let them know what's going on, you NEED their help now, & focus on yourself & your little one.

Mind yourself op

irishgirl19

The story is BS. None of it adds up.
And shes sending lovingly messages yet the never met? I don't think so.
If he wants a chance at making it work he will need to be 100% honest. Hes not taking responsibility

retro:electro

trekgirl wrote: »

hi everyone, I appreciate you all taking the time to comment. Yesterday was such a bad day, today not much better. I feel like all my hopes and dreams for the future have dissolved. I've left for a couple of days to clear my head or try to come to some sort of decision on what I'm going to do. He's been ringing and texting begging for me to come home and try and sort this out. He says its the biggest mistake of his life and he'll do anything to put things right.
But how do I ever forgive him for this? he's effectively been having a "cyber" affair. He swears that he's never touched her or slept with her and that one of his friends had passed her his number thinking it was funny! He says he told he wasn't interested when she got in contact but she was supposedly persistent. He wasn't able to make the first 12 week scan at the hospital due to work but I realised that when I had sent him the picture through he was texting her at the same time. The baby scan didn't even make him stop.
How would I ever get over this and move on and trust him again?

Ah sure the poor crayture what could he do. God love him he didn't even want her number it was passed on as a joke. And then sure she was so persistent with him what else could he do but keep texting her? He's not to blame op sure he's a victim just like you. Ugh. Honest to god lines like his make me feel angry. He's an arsehole.

donkeykong5

anna080 wrote: »

trekgirl wrote: »

hi everyone, I appreciate you all taking the time to comment. Yesterday was such a bad day, today not much better. I feel like all my hopes and dreams for the future have dissolved. I've left for a couple of days to clear my head or try to come to some sort of decision on what I'm going to do. He's been ringing and texting begging for me to come home and try and sort this out. He says its the biggest mistake of his life and he'll do anything to put things right.
But how do I ever forgive him for this? he's effectively been having a "cyber" affair. He swears that he's never touched her or slept with her and that one of his friends had passed her his number thinking it was funny! He says he told he wasn't interested when she got in contact but she was supposedly persistent. He wasn't able to make the first 12 week scan at the hospital due to work but I realised that when I had sent him the picture through he was texting her at the same time. The baby scan didn't even make him stop.
How would I ever get over this and move on and trust him again?

Ah sure the poor crayture what could he do. God love him he didn't even want her number it was passed on as a joke. And then sure she was so persistent with him what else could he do but keep texting her? He's not to blame op sure he's a victim just like you. Ugh. Honest to god lines like his make me feel angry. He's an arsehole.

If I post the words to describe this "arse hole "then I would be thrown off the site. He is despicable. ........

Foresty

donkeykong5 wrote: »

If I post the words to describe this "arse hole "then I would be thrown off the site. He is despicable. ........

I'm half expecting OP to come back and say the other woman forced herself on him or something! That's what people like him do!

daisybelle2008

racso1975 wrote: »

I call total and utter BS on the friend giving the number as a laugh firstly. Secondly is he that weak and fragile that a couple of persistent texts from your wan broke down his loyalty to you?

You cannot forgive him and move forward until he at least tells you the whole truth

This ^^
If he expects you to believe this, let him get his 'mate' to come over and confirm his story. After all his friend will be mortified and want to put right any damage his 'prank'.

In fact. I would make him bring over both the girl and friend over, preferably at the same time and let the 3 of them confirm the story. 'They have never met' 'it was all a harmless joke' etc. etc.

He is not going to be able to get those two to come over and lie to a pregnant woman on his behalf for a stupid story that makes no sense and makes them look completely ridiculous. But I’d take pleasure making him try. I would tell him I need this to move forward and get the truth ‘out in the open’, that it is for our own good.

He is manipulative and sneaky. Throwing everyone under the bus including you, he is relying on you swallowing his bull****. Let him tell his fanciful stories to others in front of you and see how far he gets :rolleyes:.
I would tell him you absolutely need to speak to both the friend and girl for 'peace of mind' and altruistically to ensure they would think twice about doing it again etc. and task him with making it happen, after all he created the mess. He should be happy to do whatever it takes to fix it.

donkeykong5

<mod snip - donkeykong5, please read our charter and other threads here to get a feel for what is expected. At a minimum if you don't have constructive advice to offer please don't post. While your post is supportive of the OP the language used fails in the above and is bordering on actionable.>

Estrellita

Trek girl, I'm also 3 months pregnant. It hurts my heart to even think about my OH having an affair, whether it's physical or an emotional. God love him, I couldn't see it in him, but hypothetically speaking.. he would be a gonner

Right now, you can't say he's even remotely sorry for what he has done. As others have pointed out, he's busy blaming everyone else. You having morning sickness and low libido is a spineless b.astard of an excuse for him to go elsewhere. So what, first sign of a bit of change and he's looking elsewhere for his bit? Rather than talk to you about it? As a couple, and supposedly your best friend he was meant to talk to you first, not chase the first bit of skirt he can get his hands on.

In your shoes, I'd be gone. Your relationship shouldn't have been that expendable to him. And he wouldn't have taken that chance if he respected the future mother of his child the way he should. The future would look bleak to me, but things would get better. This little one is depending on you to get through this, and focusing on the baby might help instead of listening to round after round of his amended stories to put him in a better light. He has broken a trust between you, and you have to ask yourself if you took him back would you trust him while he's out of your sight? If the answer is no, then don't go back to him. Because you will never be happy.

All I can say now is don't reply to him. Switch off your phone if you can. Don't let his lies poison the truth, what has happened. Take help and support from wherever you can get it. Family or friends will help you get over the worst of this. "I'm sorry, you know I love you" is the oldest trick in the book, by the way. I listened to that s.hit for over a decade. Men like this aren't sorry, they are only sorry they got caught.

Take care of yourself TG, and your baby xx

brenbyrn

Hey op - i feel so bad for you - what a d1ck he is to treat you like this.
Im a guy in my mid 30s and I've been thru a similar situation with my ex wife about a year ago.

We have kids together and i caught her texting someone. She denied anything was going on, said nothing ever happened then eventually found out she'd kissed him on a night out and they met up a lot. Thats as much of the truth i ever found out. But she denied it for a long time...

If he's lied about the texting - you need to be sure thats all he's lying about. Id agree with other posters - if you think there's any hope of salvaging the relationship he needs to tell you everything and be completely honest with you (if thats at all possible I dont know). Maybe meeting this woman hearing it from her that nothing happened would help you move forward together - if thats what you want.

I know the heartbreak you are feeling - a year on i still feel it. The dream of the perfect family shattered by lies and deceit.

But you must think about yourself and your new baby - although this is horrible, it better you've found out now that years down the line when you've had a few kids together. You deserve a lot better than being lied to like this. Surround yourself with loving friends and family - they will help. Tell your closest friends and family members to help deal with the situation - i bottled it up for a long time and made it harder on myself.

Deal with this with your closest friends and they will help you get through it and move on. Best of luck and keep positive.

StanleyOllie

What an awful position you are in. What ever decision you make be sure its right for you. Don't feel rushed.... there is no time limits on you deciding what to do. Take control of the situation for yourself and dont be allowing him to rush or push you to move on.
He will be very worried about how he will be perceived by his family and friends and if this is his priority for fixing things you will now his intentions are not right.
Him keeping the texts from this girl... did he want to be found out. He got caught up in this fantasy relationship.. the excitement of the deceit and chase. Keep reminding yourself its him who is at fault but now you need to be strong for baby and yourself.. and make your decision on whats best for both of you. Can you live with the mistrust. The remembering he cared more about a text than the scan..... I really wish you all the best. Things work out eventually... wait and see but maybe not how you initially envisaged.

ShaShaBear

Oh OP, I just couldn't pass your post. My heart actually hurt! I've been with my own OH 5 years and we are married just shy of 2 months. We have two kids under 3 and if I found out he was texting another woman with even half the commitment your husband seems to be giving this other woman, I would be LIVID

You being pregnant is no excuse, and your change in shape (although very subtle at 12 weeks) is no excuse. A man who truly loves you would probably swing the opposite way, finding the sight of a bump with his tiny little human hiding in it very beautiful. When you get so big you need help putting socks on, where will he be? When you go into labour where will he be? When you come home, tender and tired (even if you have it easy), where will he be? When you have to wait 5 weeks or more to be intimate, is it going to be your fault? If the baby has colic or has a growth spurt and starts teething and you have sleepless night after sleepless night is it all going to be your fault?

For a man in such a rush to get all these things from you, it doesn't sound like he did an awful lot of research. I'd half wonder if he was hoping it would act as a nice ball and chain and the fact that you're tied to him by marriage and blood would make you excuse his behaviour. A lot of people show their true colours after the paper has been signed :mad:

jones 19

Straight up, get the hell out of there , he's no good. And won't be if hes acting the maggot after 3 months. You'll never relax again and not worry about his wandering. Get out and get on.

dudara

OP - Big Bag of Chips has given some incredible, spot-on advice here, and I'd like to echo parts of it.

Firstly, I'd be willing to bet my bottom dollar that this is more than texting. That will hurt you, so I am sorry.

Secondly, he's still trying to figure a way out of this with minimum damage. This is actually a pretty normal reaction. As you learn more, his story will shift and change, but if you are lucky you might get to the real truth.

Thirdly, he might accept what he has done. If he does, then there is a chance that you can rebuild. It wouldn't be easy, and both sides will have to move on, but it can be done. It's entirely up to you.

I'm reluctant to call him a bad man or a manipulator for the simple reason that I've seen this before from normal guys. It's actually a very cliched story and I bet there are quite a few women here who could write this script. People can do very stupid things and it can take them a while to admit / face up to what they've done.

suicide_circus

That's rough op, I really feel for you. How you'll ever trust him again I don't know. The fact that he won't take responsibility is worrying. Could you look into getting an annulment as if seems he's been unfaithful to you virtually your entire marriage and probably long before that as well?

silverbolt

trekgirl wrote: »

hi everyone, I appreciate you all taking the time to comment. Yesterday was such a bad day, today not much better. I feel like all my hopes and dreams for the future have dissolved. I've left for a couple of days to clear my head or try to come to some sort of decision on what I'm going to do. He's been ringing and texting begging for me to come home and try and sort this out. He says its the biggest mistake of his life and he'll do anything to put things right.
But how do I ever forgive him for this? he's effectively been having a "cyber" affair. He swears that he's never touched her or slept with her and that one of his friends had passed her his number thinking it was funny! He says he told he wasn't interested when she got in contact but she was supposedly persistent. He wasn't able to make the first 12 week scan at the hospital due to work but I realised that when I had sent him the picture through he was texting her at the same time. The baby scan didn't even make him stop.
How would I ever get over this and move on and trust him again?

So a random stranger was totally persistant in getting him to text back? Maybe she thought he was some sort of Greek God made manifest?????

First off, tell him to stop texting. Tell him you will text him. This constant pleading is only going to exacerbate your emotional state.

Secondly - thus far (as other have said) he has blamed everyone but himself (except in im so sorry, im a horrible human being look at poor old me)

Thirdly - I dont think his affair was merely cyber.

Rekop dog

I'd hazard a guess that posters who are of the more sympathetic nature towards your husband are those who have either cheated or been cheated on and then forgiven which has given them a skewed logic on this whole thing. And them saying how common his behavior is is just a reflection of the circles they mix in, and probably some sort of cognitive bias.

The simple fact is this guy should have been on cloud nine with his I'm assuming first child arriving with his very newly wed wife. Instead he proceeded to behave in the most disrespectful and humiliating manner towards you and even tried to shame you as an excuse for his behaviour.

The worst conclusion you can come to here would be that this is so common that 'ah sure everyone is the same, I won't do better'. Believe me not every guys morals are in the gutter like your husband and while yes, you're facing into a very scary and uncertain short to medium term future, for your own as sanity and well being it's better without someone who will continue to crush your self worth.

tomwaterford

There also the option of abortion and walking away fully from him/everything..


(Don't know fully your circumstances/views on it OP...it's an option is all)

Estrellita

tomwaterford wrote: »

There also the option of abortion and walking away fully from him/everything..


(Don't know fully your circumstances/views on it OP...it's an option is all)

I also thought of this, but was less brave than Tom to say it first. It is a highly emotive issue, and you don't know how someone might take the suggestion.

If it's something you wouldn't completely rule out, it is an option. Showing your cards regarding your stance on abortion can end up in a debate, which I didn't want to open up. But the fact of the matter is, you do have choices.

^ That aside, I hope you are okay Trekgirl, and have talked to family for support.

leggo

Yeah OP, if you're thinking of abortion, it's an option but I just wouldn't post it here as the last thing you need with everything going on is the moral uproar that'll come from some with saying it.

Big Bag of Chips

I just want to clarify that I am in no way sympathetic to your husband. I think he is below contempt. My sympathies lie fully with you. But I think having a wall of posters saying "leave him" isn't doing you justice. Everyone will make up their own minds, and while for some leaving would be the only option, for others staying and working on the relationship is an option.

You are in an overwhelming situation, OP. And it is your life, your marriage, your husband. So while people can advise, nobody here can make your decision or tell you what you should do. And overwhelming as your situation is, it doesn't need the added stress of people making you feel if you decide one way or another that you are wrong.

Whatever decision you come to, you will be ok. Whatever decision you make it will be difficult, but you will get through it. Don't feel pressured, either by your husband, or by well meaning people telling you there's no future for your marriage. You will make the decision that is right for you. And you will be ok.