I wish my parents would help me out financially

LegacyUser

OP start looking in large towns not Dublin for shares. You can get a room to rent in places like Kilkenny for under 400 a month. There's a big art scene there you can be part of to follow up on teaching. I do agree with Chocolate fiend that you are being a bit of door mate. Sorry that's not nice to hear but it's time to take ownership of your own life. Ask yourself do you want to be were you are now in the new year? Of course you don't so time to be proactive.

Move out of your parents place and find a hostel dorm to stay in for a few weeks. You are then able to walk to do viewings of room shares and look for work rather then being trapped out the country.

Taltos

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brickmauser, welcome to PI/RI.
While sometimes tough love is needed your post in no way offered any constructive advice and so is in breach of our charter. Please take a few minutes to read the rules here and browse some other threads so you get a feel for what is acceptable or not. Due to the serious nature of many of the issues here we have as close to a zero tolerance as possible...

Dark Phoenix

OP when I first read your post I assumed you were in your late teens or early twenties. To hear you are 28 is alarming as life is passing you by. There seems to be two things at play here - your parents reluctance to help you leave and your reluctance to leave. I can see that you are stuck in a rut but you seem to be struggling to take the first steps at breaking free. You went to college for a few years, got a grant and were helped out by your parents. You blame the fact that you couldn't find work in college on lack of experience but in fairness a lot of people wouldnt have much if any experience at that age.I think now at 28 its time to stop looking at your parents for help. You mention you never learned to ride a bike which is a pity but again at 28 you cant keep looking backwards. With 1500 in savings and the dole you can afford to move out. As other posters suggested, places like Kilkenny are busy yet much lower rent than Dublin city. You have enough money to pay a rent deposit and the first month up front. That allows you to then put your days energy into looking for employment of any kind, get your foot in the door somewhere and go from there. You can never move forward if you stay in the same place.

pwurple

I see a lot of people have suggested just moving out with a deposit and 1 months rent, but that could be completely terrifying. I know as we get older we all become more risk averse. Moving out with no plan is something teenagers are mentally able to do. The older you get, the more of a safety net you need/want.

What I'm worried about here, is something that happened one of my neighbours. Youngest girl in her family, had a bad dose of bullying in school (was told she was ugly). From the day she finished the leaving cert, she never left her parents house again. 11 years later, she's now 29. I've seen her outside once in the last 3 years, her mother tried to get her to walk to the end of the road and back. She got to the front gate of the garden. People can get so scared of leaving what they know and are used to, and as time goes on, it gets worse.

OP would possibly find it easier with support and a safety net (like a host family), rather than jumping in the deep end.

jimgoose

Your parents' attitude of "you're well over 18, therefore you're the Universe's problem!" is not healthy and doesn't work in this day and age. They need to do rather more than make sure you're kept alive while you attend school and college, and most parents do. It sounds to me like they are, deliberately or otherwise, making sure live, and will continue to live, in a poverty trap. I know what it's like in those remote rural places, I grew up in one. But I was lucky. I had cars, bikes, freedom, work, not an awful lot of money as a youngfella, but enough.

I feel for you in that situation. I don't really know what to tell you, beyond what a few have said, i.e. trying to explain to your parents the effect and ramifications of their actions and attitude.

baby and crumble

pwurple wrote: »

OP would possibly find it easier with support and a safety net (like a host family), rather than jumping in the deep end.

That's actually quite a good idea. Perhaps something like a "digs" scenario might work well. I don't know if they still exist these days?

DanDublin1982

I havent read the whole thread but this is a horrendous situation youre in. All I can say is that I hope things improve for you and quickly.

I think id stop paying my "debt" though in your situation. Unless they have a contract with you its not enforceable. Id see ot as worth the argument either way though I reckon.

iwassostupid

Not sure where you live, I am in Waterford City. Rent is cheap, you can easily get a one bedroom for around 400 a month. There is a company called Ectech, not sure I spelled it right, but they are always hiring. It is on a bus route so you could easily get there.
Start looking around and make a plan and stick with it.

BetsyEllen

Where are you based OP? Where would be your nearest town?

Ruby31

I would be very nervous leaving home with only €1,500 and no job.

The suggestion of finding work outside Dublin, where rents are much lower is a good one. It'll give you a place to start from - a regular income, change of scene, and importantly, away from your parents.

You referred to your brother as a narcissist. I think your mum sounds like a narcissist too. Favouring one child over another is classic narcissistic behaviour.

By the way, you don't come across as a doormat at all. Your parents have made things really difficult for you since you were very young. Would you consider some councelling? As far as I'm aware, there are free or very cheap community councelling services available. It might help get you in a better head space.

Chocolate fiend

It might sound harsh but, in reality I grew up in a very similar situation and took my own advice. Unless you have lived like that it is very hard to understand that the first step is the hardest and then it gets easier and easier and then you are on the road to having a life, an actual life, not one where you watch X-factor or whatever crap TV is on at the weekend sitting on your parents sofa.

1.500 isn't loads of money but, if the dole money keeps coming in when you move out, and you go somewhere fresh and new and get out there it can help to set you up and be the making of you.

28, it is so young in lots of ways, and in other ways it is too old to be blaming everything on your mother. How do you see this ending OP? It's not like your parents will change, you will have to.

implausible

ALLtheusernamesaretaken wrote:

I didnt want to post my degree because I feel like people judge me when i tell them or they look at me like im stupid but i have an art degree, i decided to do it after volunteer art teaching with special needs teenagers when i finished school, i loved it so much i wanted to be an art teacher in a special needs school so i planned to get a level 8 art degree and then a hdip in art teaching but after the financial crash happened the teacher training course was changed and i couldnt do it anymore. I have about 1500 saved.

The special needs bit jumped out at me, OP. You may not be able to afford the dip in art teaching, but a QQI Level 5 course in Early Childhood Education and Care or in Special Needs Assisting will qualify you as an SNA.

Most ETBs will either run this course or be able to advise you who does and they're fairly cheap (the one I coordinate costs E350 for the year, less with a medical card). It can be done through FAS/SOLAS too and they start at different times of year. Individual modules can be done online though they are more expensive than a full course through an ETB.

If starting a course isn't possible at this time of year, could you do your mental health a favour and do some volunteering at a local school/crèche/playschool? Getting out of the house even once a week to go to work and meet people might open up new avenues for you and lift your mood. Being more mature and having an Art background would be distinct advantages in this type of work.

Fakediamond

I think your Dad is your best bet to target for some help. You say your brother is a narcissist so your Mam might be one as well, as there can be a genetic component. Your dad is probably controlled by your mother but may have some compassion left for your situation and even on a practical level, can see that you need to get out and get independent. Of course, it may suit him to keep you there as a scapegoat, who knows.

As others have said, get a room in a regional town, and get a Christmas retail job, you need to get on this right now before it's too late.

If you need a short-term financial dig out, or just a lift, ask extended family, they can see what's going on too, and might be sympathetic, I know I would be.

Koptain Liverpool

ALLtheusernamesaretaken wrote: »

Yeah I would relocate, I have been applying to jobs in Dublin and other towns, I did a tefl course too and tried to find work in other countries but im finding it very hard to get work with no experience and no connections.

Go to teach English in South Korea for a year or two.

You don't need experience - you don't even need a TEFL. All you need is a degree. The jobs there provide accommodation. You can save a lot of your salary. I saved 20k there in 2 years.

And the social life is great!!

Check out this website for discussion and job adverts: www.eslcafe.com

LegacyUser

Koptain Liverpool wrote: »

Go to teach English in South Korea for a year or two.

You don't need experience - you don't even need a TEFL. All you need is a degree. The jobs there provide accommodation. You can save a lot of your salary. I saved 20k there in 2 years.

And the social life is great!!

Check out this website for discussion and job adverts: www.eslcafe.com

Also - another great option you could go to Japan - The JET Programme - http://www.ie.emb-japan.go.jp/itpr_en/00_000048.html . They take people with no experience and that TEFL course would only help. It's way less competitive than people think and you don't get taxed on your pay for the first 3 years. All you need is a degree and to be under the age of 40(!).

I have a friend with parents like yours - he saved up and got out of the country. His parents were exactly the same, charging him for rent, petrol if he got a lift with them, I'm surprised they didn't charge him for dinner. They still ring him and whinge about every element of his life.

Why stay in Ireland at all? The best thing about about feeling you're at zero is that you have zero to lose. You'll make money abroad so if you hate it, you can save up to go home. Money gives people real independence.

CdeC

I think you need to sit down with them and map all this out.
I mean they are your parents, they are responsible for making you an independent and functional human being and it seems that their tightness with money has led to a failure in that responsibility.
I think you should write out a plan. It should included limiting how much you contribute from your dole. In fact you should contribute nothing in my opinion, maybe groceries. It is there to help you get by until you find a job.
Ask them to insure you on their cars. This will allow you to practice and get your license. If you map out a plan to get you out on your own in a year or two they might see sense,
sorry to say this but your parents sound very selfish. I thought I was reading an unpublished Roald Dahl Novel at first. Sit down with them and don't falter. They have let you down.

JuliusCaesar

It strikes me that you may be depressed. The fact that you try things once, and once only (if at all), and take an answer as final - eg ONE aupair agency said (actually said??) you are too old. A lot of families prefer an older au pair - more responsible, doesn't need to be told everything in massive detail, tend to be more independent, not as home-sick, don't come home drunk etc etc.

You don't seem to ask people for lifts, you assume they won't give you one. No neighbours ever go into town? No relatives?

But your first step is getting out of there - look for a low-rent place like Kilkenny or Limerick. Get a job, any job. You can keep some of your dole even with part-time work, it's not all or nothing. Build up your confidence. Talk with people - a houseshare is a good way to start getting to know your way around, what pubs to go to, hours of local shops, all the stuff that local people know and can be difficult for outsiders. (Just make sure its a social kind of houseshare, not one where everyone spends all their time in their own rooms.

If you're still depressed or unconfident, the HSE provides mental health facilities free of charge - and don't listen to eejits who assume there's a massive waiting list. Most areas try to see new patients as quickly as possible, within 4-6 weeks or so. There are also lots of mental self-help places - Aware, Recovery, etc that you can try till you find one you like.

Don't be put off at the first knock, or by other people's often mis-informed opinions which they will state as fact.

Also, leaving space between paragraphs makes posts easier to read.


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Cupcake_Crisis

Op, this post may sound a bit harsh but it's only because I see a lot of myself 2 years ago in you.

A few things- you said your nearest town is a 15-20 minute drive so it can't be too long a walk. Not great, I know but needs must. Pick a day, walk into town and run all your errands, but throw in a lot of cvs too. Alternatively, learn to ride a bike. It's honestly not rocket science.

Stop paying back the loan your parents. By the sounds of it there's already serious tension at home anyway. Explain that you can't afford it right now and that when you're working you'll pay it back in larger amounts. Put that extra into a savings account too.

Go to your local social welfare office and look up courses. There used to be corset that'd take you to Europe /canada/USA for a few months for work experience. Not sure if they're still running but they give you some great life experience. Alternatively, look into the teaching abroad links another poster gave. I know people who've done it and loved it and it seems like you could use the distance from your folks.

Honestly op you sound completely stuck in a rut, and verging on depressed. I can absolutely see why, but you seem very quick to blame everyone else for anything that goes wrong. Yes, your parents do sound a bit awful but there's ways out. And if I'd a euro for every agency or job I didn't get I'd be a very wealthy woman, rejection is just part and parcel of job hunting. I was in a very similar situation to you, so I saved my ass off and have been living successfully in Canada for the last year. Would you consider that? I came over with $3000 in my back pocket, it's not an unachievable amount.

DoozerT6

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

A few things- you said your nearest town is a 15-20 minute drive so it can't be too long a walk.

Just to pick out this one point - a 15-20 minute DRIVE could be 10-15 MILES of a walk. That could take hours. Not do-able there and back really. For instance, when I was growing up my nearest town was only about 3 minutes drive from my house, but it took me at least 20 minutes to walk it.

As the OP can't drive or ride a bike atm, the easiest option for her while she gets herself together is to simply ask for a lift once or twice a week and give the person a few quid for petrol, or buy them a coffee and cake in town or something.

BattleCorp

Hi OP. I'm going to be both critical of you and also highlight some positives.

You wish your parents would help you out financially. I wish Bill Gates would help me out financially too. But that's not how the world works. There comes a time as an adult that you can't expect others to support you. Usually if adults want something, they have to work to get it.

I do sympathise with your situation but there are steps that you can take to help improve things.

Firstly I think you need to look after your health. Obviously I don't know you but from reading your post, <mod snip - no internet diagnosis please >. A visit to your doctor to discuss how you are feeling might not be a bad idea.

Secondly, what can you do in the meantime to improve things at home?

It sounds like your main problem is that you live in the middle of nowhere and have no transport to where the jobs are? If you live 20 mins away from the nearest large town, then you need to either get a lift with someone or else get a bicycle. Do you know anybody that regularly drives past your house on the way to the town? Are you too shy to ask anybody for a lift? You'd be surprised how many people are willing to help if they are asked.

If there isn't anybody who can give you a lift, then why not get a bicycle. I know you said that you can't ride a bike but what's stopping you from learning? If you put your mind to it, you should be able to learn how to do it in a week. Be prepared for a few bumps and bruises but you'll live.

Once you have transport into the town, then you can start applying for jobs there. Don't give up, keep trying. Normally people get loads of rejections before they get a job. Just keep applying and going for interviews. Don't give up. Something will turn up eventually. If your goal is to get enough money to move out of home, then take any job and save up like mad until you have enough money to move out and get your own place.

You complained that on the rare occasion that you are in town, you get there at 8 and can't get home until 4. Use that time constructively. Do up loads of CV's. Call in to businesses looking for work, even if there are no jobs advertised. Ask in every shop, office, factory etc. Keep trying until you get something.

You say that you only get to leave the house once every two or three weeks. You do realise that nobody is stopping you from leaving the house? You need to put more effort into getting out and trying to improve things for yourself. Nobody is going to rock up to your house and make things all better for you. You have to do things for yourself. Sitting in a bedroom mulling over things isn't good for anybody.

Stop focussing on people you went to school with and how well they seem to be doing. They might seem like they are doing well but you can be sure that they have their own problems too. Focus on yourself and how you can make things better for you.

You say your friends are surprised that you are paying rent at home. Most people I know, including myself, always paid something towards their keep at home once they had a few bob coming in, whether from work or from social welfare. If having no money is stopping you from looking for work, then talk to your parents and explain this situation to them. See if you can reduce the amount of money you are giving them and use this money to help you look for a job. Explain to them that once you have a job you'll be in a position to pay them back quicker.

Right, I'll stop giving out about things and highlight some positives.

You have a degree. This shows potential employers that you are a well educated intelligent person. Speaking as someone who has occasionally employed people, a degree is a big plus when it comes to hiring people.

You have experience of working in a shop (Christmas work). Fair enough, it wasn't long term but it's still experience. That puts you ahead of a lot of other job seekers. You've also done volunteer work. That's experience too.

It'll be hard work but keep trying. The main thing is to never ever give up.

Shakey_jake

Op you'd be mad not to consider teaching in Asia!

A change of scenery would be good, you'll be socializing waaaaaay more and getting paid rent free!

I did it in 2013 and am leaving my well paid job to go do it again in January

Life's too short

coolcat63

I haven't read all the replies so forgive me if this has already been suggested but have you looked at www.helpx.net or www.workaway.info? Both are sites for volunteers and hosts all over the world with a wide range of activities and with your TEFL you'd probably pick up some paid work as the volunteer work is generally 4-5 hours a day. I've hosted workaways for the last 6 years and found it to work really well. Good luck

Galbin

Sounds like your mother has a personality disorder. She sounds like someone with <mod snip - no diagnoses please> to be honest. So none of this is your fault. It sounds like you just have emotionally abusive and selfish parents. I would be so proud to have a daughter who got a degree in Art, and was obviously steadfast and willing to keep trying over and over. Sounds like you have a lot to offer the world; you just need a hand up from someone. I like the idea of going abroad or getting a job in a big town somewhere.