I wish my parents would help me out financially

LegacyUser

I dont really know why im posting here, I just need to vent before I have a break down. My parents live far out the country side, growing up it was a nightmare getting lifts into town or trying to get home and ive grown up with little to no social life because of it, i was unable to get part time jobs as a teenager and young adult because of it too so I missed out on those years of gaining work experience, my parents gave me no money, besides 1 euro a day for lunch in school and further education college so I couldn't save for taxis or anything, the rest of my family arent helpful or supportive so I had no one I could rely on. I have only been able to get into town if someone is already going in and ive only been able to get home when theyre going home.
They did help me out a bit financially in college with my accommodation because my grant was only 320 a month and I couldnt get a job, I think that was because I had no previous work experience so I was basically unemployable but I did allot of volunteer work to keep my CV up to date, I also got some part time jobs over Christmas but all the Christmas staff were let go after the sales and all other jobs seem to require 1 - 2 years work experience, I applied to them but never even got an interview, this was during the financial crash too so jobs were few and far between, especially for a student with no previous work experience. My parents only helped me out with college on the condition that I pay them back and it was brought up every time I came home, at this time my clothes were rags that id had since I was a teenager, my shoes had holes and had to be super glued back together, I had no money but I was desperate to get my degree.
After college I moved back home, it was supposed to be temporary, just until I found work and got my own place, ive been paying my parents back for college and paying rent out of my social welfare, I mostly do my own shopping too and anything ive left from my dole goes straight into the credit union, I dont go out or socialise at all I just save every bit of money I get but its not enough, ive been saving for 3 years now and I still dont have enough to learn to drive, cover insurance or get a car and the rent is so high I cant afford to move out.
Im at my wits end trying to find a job, with hardly any previous work experience, having no contacts or support and living so far from town with no transport ive found it impossible. Theres no way out of this cycle, <SNIP> I tried seeing a counsellor last year but getting into town caused arguments and tension with my family so I had to quite. Ive done some online courses to keep my cv active and to upskill but it makes no difference. The only Interviews ive gotten have been for CE schemes, two seemed hopeful but I didnt get them the other one was the far side of the town with difficult hours, times of the day when ive no way of getting into town or getting home again.
When I do get into town to go to the credit union and do little bits I can only get in at 8 in the morning and im stuck in town until 4 in the evening so its I rare I make the trip. Maybe once every 2 or 3 weeks, thats the only time I get to leave the house.
I see no end to this and I just wish I had some help. Most friends my age are being helped financially by there parents.. either theyre helping them with rent or helping them with car payments, ive said to some of them that im paying rent at home and some of them gasp.. like what?? their parents wouldnt expect money from them. Now ive got no problem paying rent at home, id feel like even more of a loser if I wasnt contributing or paying my way but I cant help but compare my life to theirs and all the help and support they get from family members
my parents arent rich by any means but theyre not poor, theyve both got active social lives, my mam has a 2016 car, my dad has a car, they treat themselves well.. I wouldnt be feeling this way if they were poor or if they'd just had enough of me asking for things, ive never once asked for or expected anything but im in a really bad spot and I just wish they would help me out maybe just something small towards a cheap second hand car or help me learn how to drive or help me towards a deposit or rent, id just like a little bit of help, to get me on my feet. I never asked to live out here, its been a huge road block my entire life and I cant get out.
Theres more to this too but the post will be way too long. Can anyone offer advice? I dont know what to do anymore.

Loveinapril

Have you actually asked your parents for financial help or asked can you reduce the loan repayments? Do they know how much you are struggling?
How far away from the local town are you? Can you get a bike?

LegacyUser

Loveinapril wrote: »

Have you actually asked your parents for financial help or asked can you reduce the loan repayments? Do they know how much you are struggling?
How far away from the local town are you? Can you get a bike?

They do know how much im struggling, theyre very aware, I cant reduce the payments because it will cause tension at home. If I dont give it all up every week it causes problems. I asked my dad for a loan of ten euro awhile back, I might aswell have been asking for 200 euro. My parents have always been weird about money, its there money and thats that so getting any financial help from them is a no go.

Im a 15/20 minute drive from town, this is embarrassing but I cant ride a bike, I never learned, theres nowhere around here to cycle, the house is right on a busy country road so there wasn't anywhere to learn how to ride.

pwurple

I can understand this so easily, I heard it from my friends who lived rurally when I was younger.

Ok, have you discussed the future with your parents? You have aims.. to drive, to work, to be independent... these are all things that parents usually encourage. What do they say when you talk about the future? Don't frame it as "gimme money", discuss plans.

Just wondering, do you like children? have you looked into trying something like being an au pair, doing some travel? Maybe spending some time out of this cycle would open things up for you. It's a way of moving to a city and having your accomdation looked after while you do it. You could try it for six months and see if it helped get you out of that rut.

We have an au pair here... she lives with us, and we give her spending money, we actually also pay for driving lessons, but there is a bus on the doorstep too as we live in a city.

Other au pairs around here have done study at night and then applied for local jobs, moved locally to their own place when they are sorted. It can be a stepping stone.


What's your degree in?
Ps, it's normal to argue with parents at your age.

LegacyUser

pwurple wrote: »

I can understand this so easily, I heard it from my friends who lived rurally when I was younger.

Ok, have you discussed the future with your parents? You have aims.. to drive, to work, to be independent... these are all things that parents usually encourage. What do they say when you talk about the future? Don't frame it as "gimme money", discuss plans.

Just wondering, do you like children? have you looked into trying something like being an au pair, doing some travel? Maybe spending some time out of this cycle would open things up for you. It's a way of moving to a city and having your accomdation looked after while you do it. You could try it for six months and see if it helped get you out of that rut.

We have an au pair here... she lives with us, and we give her spending money, we actually also pay for driving lessons, but there is a bus on the doorstep too as we live in a city.

Other au pairs around here have done study at night and then applied for local jobs, moved locally to their own place when they are sorted. It can be a stepping stone.


What's your degree in?
Ps, it's normal to argue with parents at your age.

Ive never asked them to 'gimme money' I never would, theyve never encouraged independence, when I had more friends in town they would refuse to drop me in to see them, id sit in my room 24 hours a day for 3/4 weeks, extremely depressed, id beg for lifts just to get out of the house for an hour but they wouldnt, if I managed to get a lift from somewhere else my mam would start arguments with me to stop me from leaving, she's stood infront of my bedroom door with her arms folded to physically stop me leaving the house, id only be going to watch a movie with some friends or just hang out but she hated it. That was my early to mid 20's, she isnt like that anymore but now I have no friends left here so I dont ask for lifts anymore anyway but she's not half as controlling as she used to be although that control really effected me because its prevented me from creating a support network outside of the family home. Most people create strong friendships in their 20's I missed out on that.
They dont care about my aims, goals, wants or needs, they will not put themselves out for me in anyway, whether its dropping me in the road or helping me out financially, theres no support. I can only get in if and when theyre already going in.

Ive looked into au pair work, i actually had an interview in Spain a few months ago for a job but it didnt work out, the company offered a part time course in childcare too, all the other girls there for the interview where between 19 and 22, I was 28, older than some of the course tutors.. when I said my age the interviewers looked at one another and basically told me im too old for it, Ive done a tefl course too and im still applying to things.

Faith

Okay, I think the very first step should be to break things down into manageable chunks. You're overwhelmed right now, and with good reason.

The main thing you need to do is relocate to a place with public transport, be it a city or large town close to a city. Once you have that sorted, you will open the door to jobs. Learning to drive and getting a car is the bottom of the priority list right now.

How much money do you have saved?

What area is your degree in?

Are you willing to relocate to any part of the country, or would you prefer to stay in a particular area?

LegacyUser

Faith wrote: »

Okay, I think the very first step should be to break things down into manageable chunks. You're overwhelmed right now, and with good reason.

The main thing you need to do is relocate to a place with public transport, be it a city or large town close to a city. Once you have that sorted, you will open the door to jobs. Learning to drive and getting a car is the bottom of the priority list right now.

How much money do you have saved?

What area is your degree in?

Are you willing to relocate to any part of the country, or would you prefer to stay in a particular area?

Yeah I would relocate, I have been applying to jobs in Dublin and other towns, I did a tefl course too and tried to find work in other countries but im finding it very hard to get work with no experience and no connections. I didnt want to post my degree because I feel like people judge me when i tell them or they look at me like im stupid but i have an art degree, i decided to do it after volunteer art teaching with special needs teenagers when i finished school, i loved it so much i wanted to be an art teacher in a special needs school so i planned to get a level 8 art degree and then a hdip in art teaching but after the financial crash happened the teacher training course was changed and i couldnt do it anymore. I have about 1500 saved.

pwurple

Our au pair is 27 and has an art degree.

You're not too old for anything. I don't know what the interview or tefl course was for, but take a look on aupairworld.net maybe if you are interested. Plenty of people prefer older au pairs to younger people because they generally have far more sense. It's experience if nothing else, and a bit more independence.

Do you have siblings? It's really bizaar that your parents trap you in the house I have to say. As a parent myself, I can't understand it at all. All I want for my own kids is that they have enough life skills to thrive in the world when I'm gone.

Lu Tze

ALLtheusernamesaretaken wrote: »

They do know how much im struggling, theyre very aware, I cant reduce the payments because it will cause tension at home. If I dont give it all up every week it causes problems. I asked my dad for a loan of ten euro awhile back, I might aswell have been asking for 200 euro. My parents have always been weird about money, its there money and thats that so getting any financial help from them is a no go.

Im a 15/20 minute drive from town, this is embarrassing but I cant ride a bike, I never learned, theres nowhere around here to cycle, the house is right on a busy country road so there wasn't anywhere to learn how to ride.

Have you tried thumbing seeing as you have a busy road on your doorstep? Even just to get in and out to meet friends etc.

Ursus Horribilis

Lu Tze wrote: »

Have you tried thumbing seeing as you have a busy road on your doorstep? Even just to get in and out to meet friends etc.

With all due respect, this isn't something I'd recommend to anybody these days. It's in the lap of the gods who'll give you a lift. I know two people who had bad experiences with thumbing lifts when they were teenagers/early twenties.

I think the Au Pair idea is a good one, just to get you out of that house. Or working as a nanny in someone else's house?

Sometimes people end up working in fields other than what their degrees are in. Or they take a longer winding road to get to where they wanted to go. Even if you have to take a job working in a shop or something, wouldn't it be better than being trapped at home?

Edit: I see you've updated us and you've got €1,500 saved. That makes a lot of difference. It's enough to get yourself into a house share and to cover the rent for a few weeks while you find your feet. You've only got one life. Get out of there asap.

benjamin d

I feel for your situation here but come on OP, you're 28, not a kid straight out of school. You're getting the full social welfare, which is certainly enough to move into the nearest town and get a house share. Once you're in town you can start the job hunt in earnest and you won't need to get driving immediately.
You spent time outside of home to go to college so I don't see why you're so trapped at home now. The dole is enough to live off if you're used to living in poverty as you describe.
Time to pull yourself together and get out of the unhealthy environment at home tbh.

LegacyUser

benjamin d wrote: »

I feel for your situation here but come on OP, you're 28, not a kid straight out of school. You're getting the full social welfare, which is certainly enough to move into the nearest town and get a house share. Once you're in town you can start the job hunt in earnest and you won't need to get driving immediately.
You spent time outside of home to go to college so I don't see why you're so trapped at home now. The dole is enough to live off if you're used to living in poverty as you describe.
Time to pull yourself together and get out of the unhealthy environment at home tbh.

Thanks for responding benjamin, I know im not a kid, im trying so hard to get independence here and be an adult but theres not many house sharing options, most of them are looking for 600+ a month for a room excluding bills, internet, bins ect, I did come across some for 350/400, I applied but I didnt get them, theres allot of people trying to rent and I suppose theyre looking for professionals to move in, its hard to find somewhere, my friend her partner and 3 kids where living with her parents for two years because they couldnt get a place to rent, her partner has a very good job, they finally found somewhere in a small village in a different county but are still paying 1200 a month for a small house, there is a crisis with housing going on and I dont really have any references which only makes it harder.
Im job hunting anyway despite living where I am, im constantly on job sites sending emails, cv's and applications, I bring cv's around town whenever I can get in but because I dont have much previous experience or connections im finding it much harder to gain employment or atleast I think thats the reason, ive done a jobs course and had my cv and cover letters checked out by the employment office and they told me everything looked good.
When I was in college I lived in a very small town in cheap student accommodation that my parents helped me pay for and now ive been paying them back out of my social welfare.

Merkin

I think your parents are totally misguided. To their mind you are 28 so they're trying to galvanise you into action by taking most of your social welfare which is actually impinging on you making any strides.

You need to sit down with them and tell them that in order to move out, get a job and be independent, you need to have the means in the short term to do so. Do not tell them about your savings but ask for six months grace for you to get on your feet and then commit to paying them back in bigger chunks.

You need to move to a city and apply for bar work, waitressing, au pair work.....essentially everything. It's coming up to Christmas time now and you'd pick up a seasonable job in the morning. You need to move out as a matter of priority though.

Faith

With €1500 saved, and full dole, you have more than enough money to find a house share. Let's estimate it's €500 a month - you have enough for the first month's rent and deposit, which is the hurdle most people struggle to get over. Then you still have some money in reserve, and €188 a week is plenty for a single person with minimal bills.

Once you're out of home, and in a city, you can job search in earnest without being held back by your location and your parents. You can start going things like volunteering with charities or possibly schools, which will build up your cv and experience. You can simultaneously apply for paid work.

Are you prepared to take that first step of finding a room share?

Edit: Here's a double en suite room in a great location in Cork for €450 a month. You do actually have to go view the places and meet the current tenants to have a chance of being accepted - are you doing that?

LegacyUser

pwurple wrote: »

Our au pair is 27 and has an art degree.

You're not too old for anything. I don't know what the interview or tefl course was for, but take a look on aupairworld.net maybe if you are interested. Plenty of people prefer older au pairs to younger people because they generally have far more sense. It's experience if nothing else, and a bit more independence.

Do you have siblings? It's really bizaar that your parents trap you in the house I have to say. As a parent myself, I can't understand it at all. All I want for my own kids is that they have enough life skills to thrive in the world when I'm gone.

Thanks so much pwurple, ill look into that.

I have siblings, theres always been an odd dynamic in my family. My parents hadnt trapped me, just my mother.. my dad was often unaware and just didnt seem to care one way or the other.. one of my siblings is a full blown narcissist, always got everything he wanted, I always wondered is it because im a girl maybe she had feelings of jealousy or did she dislike me? she's told me before that she hates me and that ive been nothing but a burden to her, this was when she loaned me money for college, it was held over me constantly although my brother was handed everything and it was never any problem.. ive always been sensitive and she played on that on that i think with manipulation, guilt trips, and control, I dont really blame her because I see her own families dynamic and how messed up her siblings are because of it. She has her own insecurities to deal with but it is difficult.

Ursus Horribilis

This could be utterly irrelevant because I know people post on boards from phones and use a different style to what they normally do. But I'll mention it anyway just in case it's relevant. Watch your spelling and grammar. In the above post alone, I've seen errors such as allot, theres, cv's and im. If a CV came into me with spellings like that, I'd bin it on the spot.

If you're on social welfare, then perhaps for now you could look into living in a county town rather than a city. House share there and get a job in a supermarket or restaurant or something like that. I just looked on Daft and you'd be able to rent yourself a room in a house share for between €300 and €400 per month. Towns where there are jobs going. You can worry about getting something more relevant down the line once you can prove you are capable of holding down a job.

twill

Are there house-shares available in smaller towns with transport links to the larger town? You could also target a larger town which is not necessarily the one you are thinking of now.

Look - you have a degree and a HDip, volunteering experience and work experience, so it's not as if you're unqualified. You're going to have to start at the beginning, but many people do at your age.

A conversion course if you want to change discipline or a masters in your chosen career path (or a slight variation) could be what you need. If you're not eligible for a SUSI grant either as a mature dependent or independent student, a credit union loan could fund a one year degree and you can sometimes get special rates for education loans. Try posting on the work and education forums here to explore your options.

MouseTail

I agree that it is time to take action OP, you are 28, your parent's financial obligations to you are over.

Get a house-share in a city or look at jobs with accommodation attached. I think you posted before and got a lot of good advice, what action have you taken since then?

DoozerT6

OP have you tried laying it all out on the table with your parents? Ask them "Is this what you want for me? 28 years of age and completely trapped in the countryside, no job, no friends, no partner, no opportunity to get any of these things as it stands out here. Is this how you want me to live? I can't get out of here unless I get some help....won't you please help me? Could one of you show me the basics of how to drive and let me practice? I've asked you for financial help which I will repay, and you keep refusing. Could you at least help me with a lift the odd time to look at more suitable accommodation in town (and if not, why not?) Do you want me to have no life at all outside of this house? I'm trapped. I'm suffocating. I really need your help right now. I'm a grown up trying my best to start an independent life and I really need your support in starting this."

...and so on. Try and make them explain to you their rationale - who knows, maybe if you spell out how you're feeling they may soften a bit. Maybe they think you don't care about your situation, so why should they?

Could you ask a friend or sympathetic relative to drive out and collect you occasionally? (offer them a few quid for petrol). They might be sympathetic to your situation. Or even offer you a room for a fair price? Maybe show you the basics of driving, if your parents won't. If you can get into a town, use that time you're hanging around waiting for a lift home to try and line up viewings for shared accommodation, for jobs, to catch up with people you might have lost touch with. If you have any support network outside of your home at all, call on them for help - people might be more helpful than you think if they see you're really stuck and trying to improve yourself.

twill

DoozerT6 wrote: »

Could you ask a friend or sympathetic relative to drive out and collect you occasionally? (offer them a few quid for petrol). They might be sympathetic to your situation. Or even offer you a room for a fair price? Maybe show you the basics of driving, if your parents won't. If you can get into a town, use that time you're hanging around waiting for a lift home to try and line up viewings for shared accommodation, for jobs, to catch up with people you might have lost touch with. If you have any support network outside of your home at all, call on them for help - people might be more helpful than you think if they see you're really stuck and trying to improve yourself.

I think this part is good advice.

As for the rest - from what I see, these are utterly unreasonable people who want to control the OP without giving him/her the tools for independence, and appealing to their reason or conscience would be a waste of time. You can't underestimate the feeling of powerlessness that can create, nor the actual, practical difficulties. It is very difficult to afford to rent when you're not working, there's no way around that, and where you can afford it, work opportunities may not be so great. Nevertheless, I think moving out anywhere with decent transport links will automatically put you in a better position than you are now, if only to give you some freedom to come and go.

milli milli

ALLtheusernamesaretaken wrote: »

she's told me before that she hates me and that ive been nothing but a burden to her, this was when she loaned me money for college, it was held over me constantly

OP, I'm really sorry for your situation. I thought it was dysfunctional and after reading this, it only confirms it is.
You're doing a great job trying to better yourself. It can't be easy hearing things like this from your own mother. And in all fairness you've suffered from neglect.
Anyway definitely it's a priority to remove yourself from this situation.

To be honest I can never understand parents who don't give some kind of financial help to their kids. I'm not talking about paying for everything but just helping them out now and again. Fair enough if they're poor but clearly in this situation, they're not.
Anyway get yourself into a house share and get yourself a seasonal job to start the ball rolling. Or any fast-food, supermarket, Argos/Homebase-type place, call centres - they usually have high staff turnovers so are always looking for people. Not necessarily the most pleasant places to work in (speaking from my own experience!) but enough to get you on your feet and looking for other jobs.

Best of luck OP

Wompa1

Put enough away for a deposit and three months of rent over the next few months and then move out. Don't let them know of your plans until you're doing it. Pull the bandage. My dad was very controlling. If I let him keep me under his thumb, I'd still be there.

He also tried to hold things over me but I saw him do it with my brother and sister before me, so I knew never to take money from him so instead I was skin and bone, hardly eating making just under 100 euro a week whilst paying 50 a week in rent. It was a hard graft for a long time but you can do it and get in a better position eventually.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

masterK

One thing that really stands out from your posts is that yes your parents are controlling but more importantly you let them control you. You need to put the foot down and take control of the situation. As others have suggested find a house share. With the money you owe your parents, don't ask them if you can defer paying it for a while, TELL them that you will pay it back but only when you're in a position to do so financially.

Foodprocessor

OP: why not look up kangarooaupair , there are lots of positions available, even in Ireland. My current aupair is 32.

Chocolate fiend

You really are letting them do this to you. You have an excuse for everything, but, you need to take ownership and just get out. They really don't owe you anything, you are 28, you are an adult and it is time to start acting like one.

You have money saved, move out and get a job, any job, babysitting, a cafe, anything at all. Get off the dole if you can get your life on track because it's not going to just happen for you, you have to make it happen.

You sound sad and lonely, but, it is in your power to get this sorted. Pity party over.

Big Bag of Chips

My friend had a 37 year old Au Pair 2 years ago.

I know it seems difficult to get out when you are slap bang on the middle of a situation, but there are ways. You are a 28 year old adult. You can do things without telling your parents. Your mother shouldn't be standing in your doorway blocking your exit, because she shouldn't know you are going somewhere. If you organise a lift to town, just get up and go. Don't tell them. Don't ask for permission. Just walk out the door. Arrange to meet your lift a bit further up the road. Your social development has been stunted by your family to the point where you still see yourself as a child who needs their permission to go somewhere.

You don't.

You can make excuses and come up with blocks for as long as you like. It seems impossible to you that you will ever be independent of them. But this is something you have to push yourself. Nobody is going to come to you and offer you something. Nobody is going to make this easy for you. Time for you to stop looking for permission and start doing. Instead of thinking of all the reasons why you can't do something, try to start framing it as why you HAVE to do it, and soon.

Your parents are being incredibly unfair. Are you an only child? Eldest, maybe? It seems ridiculous that they are not encouraging your independence, but I'm sure they have their own logic behind it. But whatever their logic, it's irrelevant. You have a life to lead and you're losing out on it.

Clampdown

Chocolate fiend wrote: »

You really are letting them do this to you. You have an excuse for everything, but, you need to take ownership and just get out. They really don't owe you anything, you are 28, you are an adult and it is time to start acting like one.

You have money saved, move out and get a job, any job, babysitting, a cafe, anything at all. Get off the dole if you can get your life on track because it's not going to just happen for you, you have to make it happen.

You sound sad and lonely, but, it is in your power to get this sorted. Pity party over.

That's a bit harsh. Maybe you missed the part about where the parents are taking rent AND a loan repayment (most parents don't consider helping with college accommodation costs to be a loan their child must repay) out of their dole each week? Considering that, I think OP has done well to save 1500. It's not self pity holding OP back it's the poverty trap the parents have created by siphoning so much from the dole combined with the isolation and bad jobs market in the OP's location.

I'd like to see how you'd get on if you were dropped into a rural area with no jobs, you had no transport, and you had both a rent and bills loan repayment taken out of your dole each week.

'Oh, I'd just get a babysitting job, sorted!'

Right...

All over the world adults are having to stay at home with parents longer than they used to, ironically, this is thanks to the crappy economy caused by the very generation their parents belonged to. They don't 'owe us', but if they're not struggling or in debt what good is it to act like a Dublin City Centre landlord to their own child by taking the majority of their income?

And OP don't be embarrassed by your degree, I did the same and while it doesn't mean you'll walk into a job it's a very challenging course and I'm sure it means a lot to you to have accomplished it. I'm in the same boat as you btw, trying to save to move out with a fine art degree, no jobs in my town and finding it tough to save the money to move somewhere better. It gets me down big time, too. I had a student loan with the bank that took 3 years to pay also.

You're not alone, plenty of broke graduates on this country stuck in small towns but you'll find a lot of people don't understand how hard of a situation it is, and will just basically blame it all on you.

All of my classmates who I'm still in touch with who have moved on to bigger and better things have done it by moving to bigger and better locations. And every single one was able to do make those moves because their parents helped them out. All of them. I asked. It wasn't because they worked in a cafe and saved. So you've a right to be frustrated, it DOES seem unfair when you see them basically getting 'a grant' from the parents to help them get the life they wanted for themselves for after graduation, that you're not able to avail of. In fact, your parents are still making you pay off the 'college loan' they gave you.

Try and talk to your parents and at least get the 'loan repayment' forgiven until you get a job. Even the banks in the UK at least do that for college loans.

witchgirl26

OP I don't have much else I can add in terms of advice of trying to get out of the situation with your parents but with an art degree have you considered marketing as an option for work? It's an area for people with an art degree often over look but one that can be really great as it enables the use of the degree more than some other jobs.

baby and crumble

As someone who struggled for most of her 20's to get a "career" job (I mostly worked in care work to put myself through college), I do understand where you're coming from a bit, OP. But at the same time, You are 28 years old, you really don't have to take your parents guff like this.

What excactly are you saving your €1500 for? Use it. Use it to try and get going with SOMETHING. You have an art degree- would you look into starting a small crafts or design business from home? You'd be surprised what you can do with a bit of gumption. Places like Fiverr let you market your design skills, you can sell art and crafts on Etsy. It's coming up to Christmas season now, why not make a push to sell some of your creations?

You could also spend some of your €1500 on a moped, something that will give you some independence. I know you said you never learned to ride a bike, but it's not rocket science and something with a motor will let you get around faster, which will help with the whole lifts scenario. Here's one on adverts for €700.

I know you've been browbeaten by your folks into thinking that you're useless, but you're not. You have the brains and talent to get an art degree, you can most certainly put on your big girl pants and act like a 28 year old, grown woman.

looksee

OP you are on Social Welfare (Jobseekers?) - have you not had them on your case chasing you up to go for interviews etc?

LegacyUser

OP start looking in large towns not Dublin for shares. You can get a room to rent in places like Kilkenny for under 400 a month. There's a big art scene there you can be part of to follow up on teaching. I do agree with Chocolate fiend that you are being a bit of door mate. Sorry that's not nice to hear but it's time to take ownership of your own life. Ask yourself do you want to be were you are now in the new year? Of course you don't so time to be proactive.

Move out of your parents place and find a hostel dorm to stay in for a few weeks. You are then able to walk to do viewings of room shares and look for work rather then being trapped out the country.

Taltos

Mod Note
brickmauser, welcome to PI/RI.
While sometimes tough love is needed your post in no way offered any constructive advice and so is in breach of our charter. Please take a few minutes to read the rules here and browse some other threads so you get a feel for what is acceptable or not. Due to the serious nature of many of the issues here we have as close to a zero tolerance as possible...

Dark Phoenix

OP when I first read your post I assumed you were in your late teens or early twenties. To hear you are 28 is alarming as life is passing you by. There seems to be two things at play here - your parents reluctance to help you leave and your reluctance to leave. I can see that you are stuck in a rut but you seem to be struggling to take the first steps at breaking free. You went to college for a few years, got a grant and were helped out by your parents. You blame the fact that you couldn't find work in college on lack of experience but in fairness a lot of people wouldnt have much if any experience at that age.I think now at 28 its time to stop looking at your parents for help. You mention you never learned to ride a bike which is a pity but again at 28 you cant keep looking backwards. With 1500 in savings and the dole you can afford to move out. As other posters suggested, places like Kilkenny are busy yet much lower rent than Dublin city. You have enough money to pay a rent deposit and the first month up front. That allows you to then put your days energy into looking for employment of any kind, get your foot in the door somewhere and go from there. You can never move forward if you stay in the same place.

pwurple

I see a lot of people have suggested just moving out with a deposit and 1 months rent, but that could be completely terrifying. I know as we get older we all become more risk averse. Moving out with no plan is something teenagers are mentally able to do. The older you get, the more of a safety net you need/want.

What I'm worried about here, is something that happened one of my neighbours. Youngest girl in her family, had a bad dose of bullying in school (was told she was ugly). From the day she finished the leaving cert, she never left her parents house again. 11 years later, she's now 29. I've seen her outside once in the last 3 years, her mother tried to get her to walk to the end of the road and back. She got to the front gate of the garden. People can get so scared of leaving what they know and are used to, and as time goes on, it gets worse.

OP would possibly find it easier with support and a safety net (like a host family), rather than jumping in the deep end.

jimgoose

Your parents' attitude of "you're well over 18, therefore you're the Universe's problem!" is not healthy and doesn't work in this day and age. They need to do rather more than make sure you're kept alive while you attend school and college, and most parents do. It sounds to me like they are, deliberately or otherwise, making sure live, and will continue to live, in a poverty trap. I know what it's like in those remote rural places, I grew up in one. But I was lucky. I had cars, bikes, freedom, work, not an awful lot of money as a youngfella, but enough.

I feel for you in that situation. I don't really know what to tell you, beyond what a few have said, i.e. trying to explain to your parents the effect and ramifications of their actions and attitude.

baby and crumble

pwurple wrote: »

OP would possibly find it easier with support and a safety net (like a host family), rather than jumping in the deep end.

That's actually quite a good idea. Perhaps something like a "digs" scenario might work well. I don't know if they still exist these days?

DanDublin1982

I havent read the whole thread but this is a horrendous situation youre in. All I can say is that I hope things improve for you and quickly.

I think id stop paying my "debt" though in your situation. Unless they have a contract with you its not enforceable. Id see ot as worth the argument either way though I reckon.

iwassostupid

Not sure where you live, I am in Waterford City. Rent is cheap, you can easily get a one bedroom for around 400 a month. There is a company called Ectech, not sure I spelled it right, but they are always hiring. It is on a bus route so you could easily get there.
Start looking around and make a plan and stick with it.

BetsyEllen

Where are you based OP? Where would be your nearest town?

Ruby31

I would be very nervous leaving home with only €1,500 and no job.

The suggestion of finding work outside Dublin, where rents are much lower is a good one. It'll give you a place to start from - a regular income, change of scene, and importantly, away from your parents.

You referred to your brother as a narcissist. I think your mum sounds like a narcissist too. Favouring one child over another is classic narcissistic behaviour.

By the way, you don't come across as a doormat at all. Your parents have made things really difficult for you since you were very young. Would you consider some councelling? As far as I'm aware, there are free or very cheap community councelling services available. It might help get you in a better head space.

Chocolate fiend

It might sound harsh but, in reality I grew up in a very similar situation and took my own advice. Unless you have lived like that it is very hard to understand that the first step is the hardest and then it gets easier and easier and then you are on the road to having a life, an actual life, not one where you watch X-factor or whatever crap TV is on at the weekend sitting on your parents sofa.

1.500 isn't loads of money but, if the dole money keeps coming in when you move out, and you go somewhere fresh and new and get out there it can help to set you up and be the making of you.

28, it is so young in lots of ways, and in other ways it is too old to be blaming everything on your mother. How do you see this ending OP? It's not like your parents will change, you will have to.

implausible

ALLtheusernamesaretaken wrote:

I didnt want to post my degree because I feel like people judge me when i tell them or they look at me like im stupid but i have an art degree, i decided to do it after volunteer art teaching with special needs teenagers when i finished school, i loved it so much i wanted to be an art teacher in a special needs school so i planned to get a level 8 art degree and then a hdip in art teaching but after the financial crash happened the teacher training course was changed and i couldnt do it anymore. I have about 1500 saved.

The special needs bit jumped out at me, OP. You may not be able to afford the dip in art teaching, but a QQI Level 5 course in Early Childhood Education and Care or in Special Needs Assisting will qualify you as an SNA.

Most ETBs will either run this course or be able to advise you who does and they're fairly cheap (the one I coordinate costs E350 for the year, less with a medical card). It can be done through FAS/SOLAS too and they start at different times of year. Individual modules can be done online though they are more expensive than a full course through an ETB.

If starting a course isn't possible at this time of year, could you do your mental health a favour and do some volunteering at a local school/crèche/playschool? Getting out of the house even once a week to go to work and meet people might open up new avenues for you and lift your mood. Being more mature and having an Art background would be distinct advantages in this type of work.

Fakediamond

I think your Dad is your best bet to target for some help. You say your brother is a narcissist so your Mam might be one as well, as there can be a genetic component. Your dad is probably controlled by your mother but may have some compassion left for your situation and even on a practical level, can see that you need to get out and get independent. Of course, it may suit him to keep you there as a scapegoat, who knows.

As others have said, get a room in a regional town, and get a Christmas retail job, you need to get on this right now before it's too late.

If you need a short-term financial dig out, or just a lift, ask extended family, they can see what's going on too, and might be sympathetic, I know I would be.

Koptain Liverpool

ALLtheusernamesaretaken wrote: »

Yeah I would relocate, I have been applying to jobs in Dublin and other towns, I did a tefl course too and tried to find work in other countries but im finding it very hard to get work with no experience and no connections.

Go to teach English in South Korea for a year or two.

You don't need experience - you don't even need a TEFL. All you need is a degree. The jobs there provide accommodation. You can save a lot of your salary. I saved 20k there in 2 years.

And the social life is great!!

Check out this website for discussion and job adverts: www.eslcafe.com

LegacyUser

Koptain Liverpool wrote: »

Go to teach English in South Korea for a year or two.

You don't need experience - you don't even need a TEFL. All you need is a degree. The jobs there provide accommodation. You can save a lot of your salary. I saved 20k there in 2 years.

And the social life is great!!

Check out this website for discussion and job adverts: www.eslcafe.com

Also - another great option you could go to Japan - The JET Programme - http://www.ie.emb-japan.go.jp/itpr_en/00_000048.html . They take people with no experience and that TEFL course would only help. It's way less competitive than people think and you don't get taxed on your pay for the first 3 years. All you need is a degree and to be under the age of 40(!).

I have a friend with parents like yours - he saved up and got out of the country. His parents were exactly the same, charging him for rent, petrol if he got a lift with them, I'm surprised they didn't charge him for dinner. They still ring him and whinge about every element of his life.

Why stay in Ireland at all? The best thing about about feeling you're at zero is that you have zero to lose. You'll make money abroad so if you hate it, you can save up to go home. Money gives people real independence.

CdeC

I think you need to sit down with them and map all this out.
I mean they are your parents, they are responsible for making you an independent and functional human being and it seems that their tightness with money has led to a failure in that responsibility.
I think you should write out a plan. It should included limiting how much you contribute from your dole. In fact you should contribute nothing in my opinion, maybe groceries. It is there to help you get by until you find a job.
Ask them to insure you on their cars. This will allow you to practice and get your license. If you map out a plan to get you out on your own in a year or two they might see sense,
sorry to say this but your parents sound very selfish. I thought I was reading an unpublished Roald Dahl Novel at first. Sit down with them and don't falter. They have let you down.

JuliusCaesar

It strikes me that you may be depressed. The fact that you try things once, and once only (if at all), and take an answer as final - eg ONE aupair agency said (actually said??) you are too old. A lot of families prefer an older au pair - more responsible, doesn't need to be told everything in massive detail, tend to be more independent, not as home-sick, don't come home drunk etc etc.

You don't seem to ask people for lifts, you assume they won't give you one. No neighbours ever go into town? No relatives?

But your first step is getting out of there - look for a low-rent place like Kilkenny or Limerick. Get a job, any job. You can keep some of your dole even with part-time work, it's not all or nothing. Build up your confidence. Talk with people - a houseshare is a good way to start getting to know your way around, what pubs to go to, hours of local shops, all the stuff that local people know and can be difficult for outsiders. (Just make sure its a social kind of houseshare, not one where everyone spends all their time in their own rooms.

If you're still depressed or unconfident, the HSE provides mental health facilities free of charge - and don't listen to eejits who assume there's a massive waiting list. Most areas try to see new patients as quickly as possible, within 4-6 weeks or so. There are also lots of mental self-help places - Aware, Recovery, etc that you can try till you find one you like.

Don't be put off at the first knock, or by other people's often mis-informed opinions which they will state as fact.

Also, leaving space between paragraphs makes posts easier to read.


.

Cupcake_Crisis

Op, this post may sound a bit harsh but it's only because I see a lot of myself 2 years ago in you.

A few things- you said your nearest town is a 15-20 minute drive so it can't be too long a walk. Not great, I know but needs must. Pick a day, walk into town and run all your errands, but throw in a lot of cvs too. Alternatively, learn to ride a bike. It's honestly not rocket science.

Stop paying back the loan your parents. By the sounds of it there's already serious tension at home anyway. Explain that you can't afford it right now and that when you're working you'll pay it back in larger amounts. Put that extra into a savings account too.

Go to your local social welfare office and look up courses. There used to be corset that'd take you to Europe /canada/USA for a few months for work experience. Not sure if they're still running but they give you some great life experience. Alternatively, look into the teaching abroad links another poster gave. I know people who've done it and loved it and it seems like you could use the distance from your folks.

Honestly op you sound completely stuck in a rut, and verging on depressed. I can absolutely see why, but you seem very quick to blame everyone else for anything that goes wrong. Yes, your parents do sound a bit awful but there's ways out. And if I'd a euro for every agency or job I didn't get I'd be a very wealthy woman, rejection is just part and parcel of job hunting. I was in a very similar situation to you, so I saved my ass off and have been living successfully in Canada for the last year. Would you consider that? I came over with $3000 in my back pocket, it's not an unachievable amount.

DoozerT6

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

A few things- you said your nearest town is a 15-20 minute drive so it can't be too long a walk.

Just to pick out this one point - a 15-20 minute DRIVE could be 10-15 MILES of a walk. That could take hours. Not do-able there and back really. For instance, when I was growing up my nearest town was only about 3 minutes drive from my house, but it took me at least 20 minutes to walk it.

As the OP can't drive or ride a bike atm, the easiest option for her while she gets herself together is to simply ask for a lift once or twice a week and give the person a few quid for petrol, or buy them a coffee and cake in town or something.

BattleCorp

Hi OP. I'm going to be both critical of you and also highlight some positives.

You wish your parents would help you out financially. I wish Bill Gates would help me out financially too. But that's not how the world works. There comes a time as an adult that you can't expect others to support you. Usually if adults want something, they have to work to get it.

I do sympathise with your situation but there are steps that you can take to help improve things.

Firstly I think you need to look after your health. Obviously I don't know you but from reading your post, <mod snip - no internet diagnosis please >. A visit to your doctor to discuss how you are feeling might not be a bad idea.

Secondly, what can you do in the meantime to improve things at home?

It sounds like your main problem is that you live in the middle of nowhere and have no transport to where the jobs are? If you live 20 mins away from the nearest large town, then you need to either get a lift with someone or else get a bicycle. Do you know anybody that regularly drives past your house on the way to the town? Are you too shy to ask anybody for a lift? You'd be surprised how many people are willing to help if they are asked.

If there isn't anybody who can give you a lift, then why not get a bicycle. I know you said that you can't ride a bike but what's stopping you from learning? If you put your mind to it, you should be able to learn how to do it in a week. Be prepared for a few bumps and bruises but you'll live.

Once you have transport into the town, then you can start applying for jobs there. Don't give up, keep trying. Normally people get loads of rejections before they get a job. Just keep applying and going for interviews. Don't give up. Something will turn up eventually. If your goal is to get enough money to move out of home, then take any job and save up like mad until you have enough money to move out and get your own place.

You complained that on the rare occasion that you are in town, you get there at 8 and can't get home until 4. Use that time constructively. Do up loads of CV's. Call in to businesses looking for work, even if there are no jobs advertised. Ask in every shop, office, factory etc. Keep trying until you get something.

You say that you only get to leave the house once every two or three weeks. You do realise that nobody is stopping you from leaving the house? You need to put more effort into getting out and trying to improve things for yourself. Nobody is going to rock up to your house and make things all better for you. You have to do things for yourself. Sitting in a bedroom mulling over things isn't good for anybody.

Stop focussing on people you went to school with and how well they seem to be doing. They might seem like they are doing well but you can be sure that they have their own problems too. Focus on yourself and how you can make things better for you.

You say your friends are surprised that you are paying rent at home. Most people I know, including myself, always paid something towards their keep at home once they had a few bob coming in, whether from work or from social welfare. If having no money is stopping you from looking for work, then talk to your parents and explain this situation to them. See if you can reduce the amount of money you are giving them and use this money to help you look for a job. Explain to them that once you have a job you'll be in a position to pay them back quicker.

Right, I'll stop giving out about things and highlight some positives.

You have a degree. This shows potential employers that you are a well educated intelligent person. Speaking as someone who has occasionally employed people, a degree is a big plus when it comes to hiring people.

You have experience of working in a shop (Christmas work). Fair enough, it wasn't long term but it's still experience. That puts you ahead of a lot of other job seekers. You've also done volunteer work. That's experience too.

It'll be hard work but keep trying. The main thing is to never ever give up.