Dating advice (it would be great to get an insight from women on this)

Hellotree

Hello there,
A bit of background information. I'm Irish, in my thirties and recently moved to Dublin, new(ish) to the place. As a result of this I go to social events to meet new people and make friends.

I met a girl, also in her thirties a few weeks ago and I had a few things in common with her, in fact she was lovely. We hung around together for the night, we danced and chatted, more so than with others. No kissing or anything but we exchanged numbers before the night ended.

Im not interested in getting my leg over, just getting to know her to see if we can get on and let something meaningful build. At worst I was aiming for friendship.

I contacted her about going to the next social event and she said yes. She did not show up. I was disappointed and let her know this in a message but also said it would be great to see her again if she genuinely wanted to.

She then contacted me a day or two later, showing me a message she got from another person at the first social event, it was a weird message, the guy who sent it was talking about marriage and stuff. I think it may have been a cultural thing. She had only spoken to him for about half an hour. This was an explanation for her not going to the 2nd event. I totally understood and she suggested meeting me, just herself and myself, for the cinema. She was very proactive about it.

I showed up and she did not appear again.

I have lived in London for years and met many people but I have never encountered such malicious behaviour before. Quite a nasty thing to do. Im interested in anyone who could give me an insight into her mindset, Im guessing she is a very angry person who has been badly hurt before. It's just a pity, she was smart and interesting.

Anyway I have no interest in ever being in contact with her again but I'd just like to get other peoples insights so that, maybe I can avoid the situation and maybe people like her in the future.

whiskeyman

The best advice to give you is move on and keep trying, which is what you are doing.
Also - don't go to heavy on looking for 'insights'.
No one can give you that. You'll possibly start over reading things and go into a negative circle.
Fair play for going to social events and making friends and meeting people. This is great and you're increasing your odds of hopefully meetings someone that's right for you.

PS - this is probably best for the relationship or PI forum.

intheclouds

What insight? You met a cow who stood you up twice. Thats the end of the insight.

No one here can tell you why she did it. Women are not all part of some hive mind where we all know each others thoughts.

Hellotree

Thanks to whiskeyman and intheclouds very good advice from you both. Im just checking if I'm missing something, getting other peoples perspectives.

Birneybau

Hellotree wrote: »

Thanks to whiskeyman and intheclouds very good advice from you both. Im just checking if I'm missing something, getting other peoples perspectives.

As Whiskeyman said, you'd be better off in the Personal Issues thread.

Will I ask a moderator to move it?

Hellotree

apologies, yes that would be good thanks

Birneybau

Hellotree wrote: »

apologies, yes that would be good thanks

Done.

tricky D

Moved to PI

njs030

intheclouds wrote: »

What insight? You met a cow who stood you up twice. Thats the end of the insight.

No one here can tell you why she did it. Women are not all part of some hive mind where we all know each others thoughts.

This is really the best answer you're going to get.
That and you're over invested in someone you hardly know, why are you even thinking this much about someone you met once and you treated you so nastily twice? What a horrible piece of work!

Maybe work on making friends and expanding your social life first so you don't get so caught up next time.

Hellotree

excellent advice, thanks

Witchie

Did she text you at all to say why she didn't show up? Maybe she got in an accident? Maybe she couldn't get away from work or something happened a family member? Or maybe she is just a biatch and you should forget about her.

Hellotree

Ah I pretty much have forgotten about her. She just bruised my ego a bit. Plus I simply don't understand the behaviour. I wouldn't do that to anyone.

I think the biatch option is the only possibility. She didn't text, I think she is just a malicious person, bad stuff has probably happened to her in the past and so feels justified in being nasty to others. Thanks for the help

batmanrobin

I'd forgive it once (just about!), but twice?! Heck no! Forget her, OP. Bad behaviour. Always remember, if someone likes you they'll show up.

As another poster said, you over invested too soon in someone you didn't really know.

Chalk it up and move on. The vast majority of people don't carry on like her.

Hellotree

You are exactly right. i just get my hopes up, i will be more measured in future.
great advice thank you

beks101

Hellotree wrote: »

I wouldn't do that to anyone.

Good. Stay like that.

Unfortunately not everyone you meet on the dating scene will uphold the same standards of decency and integrity. Sounds like you've just met one of them.

I'd count it as a lucky escape and move on. She's a flake and unable to even commit to a single date, it would never have gone anywhere.

Continue to be an honourable and genuine person and keep going out to these events and keep approaching the women you like. I've found that like usually attracts like at the end of it all.

Hellotree

Great thank you. You are totally right, not someone I would like to spend time with. Very encouraging

blacklilly

I'm going to assume this woman is Irish?*

Without wanting this to sound like a big sweeping generalisation, I have found Irish people find it very difficult/impossible to be upfront about things. Instead of just saying she wasn't interested she took the cowards way out.

Best thing you can do is not be so inclined to give someone 2nd chance unless of course they have what seems to be a genuine excuse etc.

Best of luck

*if she isn't, my argument is ruined:pac:

Hellotree

She is Irish. The weird thing is (and this is why it's malicious) she suggested meeting up the 2nd time, where to meet and everything, she was very proactive about it. I never encountered this behaviour when I was in the UK so you could have a point. Im irish but I think Im fairly straight forward.

I gave her the benefit of the doubt because she did appear to have a good excuse the 1st time.

Thank you for the input, it does not bother me too much now

brickmauser

Hellotree wrote: »

Hello there,
A bit of background information. I'm Irish, in my thirties and recently moved to Dublin, new(ish) to the place. As a result of this I go to social events to meet new people and make friends.

I met a girl, also in her thirties a few weeks ago and I had a few things in common with her, in fact she was lovely. We hung around together for the night, we danced and chatted, more so than with others. No kissing or anything but we exchanged numbers before the night ended.

Im not interested in getting my leg over, just getting to know her to see if we can get on and let something meaningful build. At worst I was aiming for friendship.

I contacted her about going to the next social event and she said yes. She did not show up. I was disappointed and let her know this in a message but also said it would be great to see her again if she genuinely wanted to.

She then contacted me a day or two later, showing me a message she got from another person at the first social event, it was a weird message, the guy who sent it was talking about marriage and stuff. I think it may have been a cultural thing. She had only spoken to him for about half an hour. This was an explanation for her not going to the 2nd event. I totally understood and she suggested meeting me, just herself and myself, for the cinema. She was very proactive about it.

I showed up and she did not appear again.

I have lived in London for years and met many people but I have never encountered such malicious behaviour before. Quite a nasty thing to do. Im interested in anyone who could give me an insight into her mindset, Im guessing she is a very angry person who has been badly hurt before. It's just a pity, she was smart and interesting.

Anyway I have no interest in ever being in contact with her again but I'd just like to get other peoples insights so that, maybe I can avoid the situation and maybe people like her in the future.

To hell with her. Move on. Who knows why some women are like this and who honestly cares? The next time you meet a woman who takes your fancy don't waste time just chat her up get her number and ask her out.
Don't let headwreckers ruin your fun.
Enjoy your life.

Hellotree

Fantastic advice, thank you, it is exactly what I should do

valoren

Unfortunately it seems some people take a kind of bizarre pleasure from for want of a better purpose, making a fool of people.
I've known it to happen from my teenage niece that she knows of friends of friends who actively do this.
They pretend (that being the key point) to be interested in fellas, suggest meeting them very specifically, at a certain time, place etc.
The poor dope then shows up and gets intentionally stood up.
They even go so far as to wait, out of sight, incognito, to see if they show up.
Perhaps to see them waiting and to see how long they will wait for before going away.
If she proactively suggested a meet up and never appeared then it may be the case.
Needless to say, you certainly don't want pathetic people like that as partners or even friends.

Hellotree

You are after hitting the nail on the head completely. You have addressed why I started the thread. Some people are just like that. Baffling to me. Even more baffling is that she is in her 30s!!! Amazing. Best to be completely avoided. Thank you Valoren

Lux23

Hellotree wrote: »

You are after hitting the nail on the head completely. You have addressed why I started the thread. Some people are just like that. Baffling to me. Even more baffling is that she is in her 30s!!! Amazing. Best to be completely avoided. Thank you Valoren

I think some people with little experience of relationships can get even more selfish and flaky as they get older.

Galbin

Sadly, she seems like a person with "issues". Sounds like she would make a terrible partner anyway.

Hellotree

Yes I very much agree. Thank you to you both. It's good to have a better understanding of it.

Galbin

I learned the hard way that it's a sign of things to come if someone acts out at the start. As the saying goes, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them".

brickmauser

Tinder is full of idiots like this woman.
All you need to know is if you know stupid guys who are hopeless with women guaranteed there are stupid women who are hopeless with men.
The stupid women go under the radar because women generally don't have to do the approaching.
Let me explain.
Guys generally do all the running so you can see a guy who is making mistakes right away by the way he acts in a pub or club and by the raised eyebrows and smirks of onlookers.
Women are different because every woman gets her share of unwanted advances and most women have to tell guys thanks but no thanks.
The smart women are those who can recognize the decent genuine guys and accept a date.
A date does not mean sex and confident well adjusted women who know this go on dates and are fun to be around. If you are a secure confident man this isn't a problem.
Insecure women date losers and turn down decent guys even though they are attracted and play passive aggressive mind games which scare most men off.
The only kind of men who get around this nonsense are devious types this kind of woman are welcome to.
When a girl flakes on you for no apparent reason you just met one of those and you do yourself a favour by shrugging it off and moving on.

Sheog

Op, I have been stood up before on a date. It is not a nice experience at all, sorry you had to experience that.

I was left in waiting in a bar for someone that didn't show up and I didn't hear a word from them by way of cancellation or explanation. I took it pretty badly at the time, and figured that he must have come into the bar seen me, and then ran away!! Turns out the guy who stood me up contacted me out of the blue about a year later (!?) to explain that someone close to him had died suddenly... so you just don't know, and may never know what happened.

I certainly wouldn't wait to find out though... twice can't be a coincidence!

You sound like a decent guy! I'd bet you'll have no problem finding the right person!

Now, I've a question for you; what sort of social events are you going to, to meet new people? Finding it tricky myself to expand my circle as most of my friends are all settled down and busy buying houses and having babies! :P

Crea

Sheog wrote: »

Op, I have been stood up before on dates from online dating, it is not a nice experience at all, sorry you had to experience that. I will say that the guy who stood me up did contact me out of the blue about a year later (!?) to explain that someone close to him had died suddenly... so you just don't know and may never know what happened. I certainly wouldn't wait to find out.

You sound like a decent guy! I'd bet you'll have no problem finding the right person!

Now, I've a question for you; what sort of social events are you going to, to meet new people? Finding it tricky myself to expand my circle as most of my friends are all settled down and busy buying houses and having babies! :P

If it took him a year to tell you someone died then he's lying and trying it on.

Sheog

Crea wrote: »

If it took him a year to tell you someone died then he's lying and trying it on.

Yep, I suspected as much! He sent me this big long e-mail full of apologies and explanations, so part of me did believe him. But even in terrible circumstances it only takes 2 seconds to send a short text to say you can't make it.

Decided not to reply to him in the end!

Sheog

valoren wrote: »

Unfortunately it seems some people take a kind of bizarre pleasure from for want of a better purpose, making a fool of people.
I've known it to happen from my teenage niece that she knows of friends of friends who actively do this.
They pretend (that being the key point) to be interested in fellas, suggest meeting them very specifically, at a certain time, place etc.
The poor dope then shows up and gets intentionally stood up.
They even go so far as to wait, out of sight, incognito, to see if they show up.
Perhaps to see them waiting and to see how long they will wait for before going away.
If she proactively suggested a meet up and never appeared then it may be the case.
Needless to say, you certainly don't want pathetic people like that as partners or even friends.

Holysmoke!! Do people ACTUALLY do this?!!

Rubberchikken

If someone would seriously do that to anyone then they're best avoided.
Op im sorry it happened but please dont let it stop you socialising.
Personally she doesnt sound worth bothering with so keep going out and keep in mind that most women are decent
Good luck

cloudatlas

Okay now I don't agree with what she did but.. the first meet was not a date it was with other people so you can't count that as her standing you up and obviously she had a good reason i.e. the creepy guy.

The second time... I don't know... did you ask her it could be anything like I dont know maybe deciding she didn't give a damn but not knowing how to let you down, too much else on and forgetting, feeling nervous... only she will know we can't help you but it doesn't matter as you've decided not to give her another chance which is fair enough in the circumstances.

It's not because she is a woman or Irish it just happened, move on.

Clampdown

Her reasoning for standing you up the first time was bizarre enough, considering it was another guy who sent her the strange message, not you.
Showing you the message is very odd, too.

I'm guessing her reason for bailing on the cinema was she saw a trailer for a different film that played the week before and didn't enjoy it.

Airyfairy12

She's an a*s hole simply put. Dont make excuses for her, we'v all been left hurt and angry by things that have happened to us in our past that doesnt mean we treat other people like theyre worthless. I had a friend that used to stand me up all the time, she wouldnt even have the decency to send a simple text message to say she wouldnt be there, she was an extremely inconsiderate, self absorbed person who was slightly narcissistic, actually a bit more than slightly. I constantly made excuses for her ****ty behaviour when in fact she just had absolutely no respect for me whatsoever.
At the beginning of my relationship with my ex he stood me up constantly but again I made excuses and didnt want to seem overbearing so I gave him lots of chances, a year and a half into our relationship I discovered he was a serial cheater and had been telling all his friends horrible untrue stories about me, I suppose so they wouldnt judge him so harshly for treating me badly.

Youve had a lucky escape and I wouldnt take it personally. The way she's treated you shows how little consideration she has for anybody but herself. Some people are just d**k heads and theres nothing you can do other that separate yourself from them.

Augme

Hellotree wrote: »

I contacted her about going to the next social event and she said yes. She did not show up. I was disappointed and let her know this in a message but also said it would be great to see her again if she genuinely wanted to.

I seem to be going against the grain with everyone else here but how and ever. From my understanding the second event was another social event where everyone else would also be attending. In that situation If I was you I'd have no issue with her not showing up and I wouldn't have any expectations for her to show up or even let me know she isn't. If I was in her position my attitude would be the same. I have meet you once, we're not friend and barely know each other, so while I might say I'm attending a social gathering that you also happen to be attending I don't feel like I have to tell you if my plans change.

Secondly in that sceneraio I'd never send her a message telling her I was disappointed she didn't show, and I'd think anyone who would send me that kind of message was being pretty intense. Now unless the message was very casual like "Hey, a shame you missed out last night, it was a great night! Let me know if you want to catch up at the next one." then fair enough. But if the message hinted that she should have told you she wasn't going and you were disappointed/upset then, as I said, I would find that quite intense coming from someone I didn't know and only met once. My attendance at that event shouldn't be your sole reason for attending the even would be my line of thinking.

I can't excuse her behaviour for not showing at the cinema though, P45 material right there.

HiGlo

My thoughts on this also seem to be a little against the grain.
i agree with the previous poster, while it would have been nice if she had come to the social event and i understand you were disappointed, she didn't owe you anything. This was not an instance of her standing you up.

In the case of the cinema date, i find it pretty surprising that people are labelling her cruel, harsh, vindictive, etc I sense a bit of projection there.... Maybe she just wasn't that into you.... Only she will ever know why she didn't show up. Take it for what it is (being stood up) and move on. It wasn't a very nice thing to do, but I don't really understand why people jump straight to character assassination.
Perhaps Im just too soft/naive.



Oh, and i also believe in second chances. "To err is human"