Hate confrontation with lazy housemate

The Raptor

There's an issue in our house share that have been bothering me so much.

One of the housemates moved out and we took in a new housemate in their place.

We don't like getting on each other's backs regarding housework. Some of us do things as needed and we clean up after ourselves.

However this new housemate has never emptied the dishwasher or has never emptied the bins. It's like she's waiting for someone else to do.

It's been at least six months and she hasn't removed a bin from the house in that time. I tried letting the bin overflow one time and she tied a knot in the bag and left it there.

I'm up before her in the mornings because i like to spend my time eating breakfast and not rushing, but she gets up and leaves. A few weeks ago, on bin removal day, i emptied the bin in the kitchen and left it beside the front door intending to take it out with me when i go out. She left the house and left it there. She won't even wheel the bin outside the gate or back in again.

It's a house share, i don't understand how she's leaving household duties to everyone else.

What do i say, hey the bins are due this week, can you put them out this week? Something like this will actually highlight the issue, but to go six months being completely ignorant of the bins. I don't believe someone can be this ignorant. She's purposely leaving them for someone else.

How do i grow a pair of balls and just say it to her.

Dial Hard

The Raptor wrote:

How do i grow a pair of balls and just say it to her.

A weekly roster for everyone in the house that rotates every week. Only way to manage housework in a house share. That, or everyone throws a tenner a week in a kitty and you get a cleaner.

It doesn't even enter some people's heads. In the previous house that I recently moved out of one housemate was there about a year and a half and the other about 8 months. Never in the entire time were the bins wheeled out by either of them (nor the housemates that were there before hand which was a few different people as housemates changed regularly bar the person who was there when I moved in 3 years back).

They came to me when leaving and asked how do the bins work. They just didn't even know when they were collected or anything. It was also very rare that they would take out the full bin for the kitchen unless I left it spilling onto the floor. So strange as it may seem to me or you she may not have even given a second thought to the bins.

LegacyUser

My understanding of a confrontation is to face someone with hostility over something that bothers you. Asking someone to do some jobs shouldn't be that unless if you make it so.

'I tried letting the bin overflow one time' - what do you mean by this? Was this supposed to be a message to your housemate to bring out the bin. How is she supposed to read your mind that you would like her to bring out the bin. Like what nox said it doesn't even cross some people's minds. Here you are months later now seething over this.

Alf Veedersane

It's been 6 months and she still hasn't been asked to chip in with household stuff. Maybe it has always been thus.

A roster helps if you don't want to confront her.

The Raptor

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

It's been 6 months and she still hasn't been asked to chip in with household stuff. Maybe it has always been thus.

A roster helps if you don't want to confront her.

I had to ask her to pick her hair up from the shower as it is. But it feels like I'm trying to mother her by telling her what to do and I shouldnt have to. Once every few weeks wouldn't hurt, even try to wheel them out. I mean she must be aware by tying a knot on a bin but it's the attitude that somebody else will remove them that i hate.

LynnGrace

Agree a roster between all. I assume it bothers others also.

The Raptor

LynnGrace wrote: »

Agree a roster between all. I assume it bothers others also.

I would feel so bad in that one of the housemates doesn't eat at home at all. Doesn't rob other people's food, so they create very little waste. The most would be an empty bottle of shower gel or deodorant can. How do i bring up a roster system, include him to be fair but they don't eat at all in the house. Doesn't wash his clothes, they take them home, so no empty boxes of washing powder. The most he does do is shower. How is it fair getting him to remove the bins that other people are filling. That's awkward.

Rubberchikken

agree with others a roster seems the fairest way.
in all honesty, how difficult is it for anyone to wheel a bin out?
you might feel you're 'mothering' this new housemate, but in all probability they have never had to take any responsibility at home or elsewhere, so maybe not a bad thing that the eyes are opened a little to the real world.

as for the housemate that leaves very little footprint, would you be able to ask him if he'd mind being included on a roster and see how it goes.
good luck

beks101

Does this housemate actually use the kitchen (and therefore bins, dishwasher etc) regularly?

I had this issue once in the past and turns out because my former housemate wasn't around much, she didn't really feel any "ownership" or responsibility for the place. As she saw it, we were the ones using the kitchen while she stayed in her room, so we would be responsible for taking care of things. Didn't help that we all did so promptly, week after week, so she was never faced with mouldy dishes in the dishwasher or smelly bins attracting flies etc.

IvyTheTerrible

Hi OP, you've posted about this housemate in the RandR forum before, and it seems like you've never once spoken about the issue with them.
People aren't psychic, and a lot of untidy people don't actually "see" the dirt/mess so they need to have it pointed out to them.
You'll just have to say it, otherwise you're just stewing in your own head and the only person that's suffering is you.
Just saying "Hey, would you mind putting out the bin this week, I've done it for the last month?" might actually work.

The Raptor

beks101 wrote: »

Does this housemate actually use the kitchen (and therefore bins, dishwasher etc) regularly?

I had this issue once in the past and turns out because my former housemate wasn't around much, she didn't really feel any "ownership" or responsibility for the place. As she saw it, we were the ones using the kitchen while she stayed in her room, so we would be responsible for taking care of things. Didn't help that we all did so promptly, week after week, so she was never faced with mouldy dishes in the dishwasher or smelly bins attracting flies etc.

She stays in her room alot but she does come out and use things. Makes lunch, dinner, orders takeaway for herself and her boyfriend, uses plates for said takeaway, won't empty dishwasher once done.

The Raptor

I just have to ask her to take them out which i'll do this week because venting here isn't going to do much. She should be the one with the shame waiting to be mammied.

Tasden

The Raptor wrote: »

I just have to ask her to take them out which i'll do this week because venting here isn't going to do much. She should be the one with the shame waiting to be mammied.

May seem like a silly question but any chance she doesn't know where the outside bin is? And how to work the dishwasher?
You'd be surprised the amount of people who don't know where to find something or use something and rather than just ask they avoid doing it so they don't have to ask.
I remember in my first or second week at new job I was using a photocopier and a woman who worked there years before me said "oh how did you figure out how to use that copier, I always have to use this one instead", I just asked someone to show me, she never thought to do the same so just actively avoided it. Now that I showed her how to use it she uses it regularly no bother.

Merkin

It's really straightforward and easily sorted. Call a house meeting and say that you're anxious that any chores are being distributed evenly. Then create a roster so everyone knows exactly why it's there and what's expected of them. No reasonable person will mind being asked in the slightest especially if you're all being apportioned chores. You only have an issue with f a request had been made and it has been ignored.

The Raptor

Tasden wrote: »

May seem like a silly question but any chance she doesn't know where the outside bin is? And how to work the dishwasher?
You'd be surprised the amount of people who don't know where to find something or use something and rather than just ask they avoid doing it so they don't have to ask.
I remember in my first or second week at new job I was using a photocopier and a woman who worked there years before me said "oh how did you figure out how to use that copier, I always have to use this one instead", I just asked someone to show me, she never thought to do the same so just actively avoided it. Now that I showed her how to use it she uses it regularly no bother.

She walks past the bins every day. She walks past the bins outside the gate on bin removal day. She knows where they are. Not to hard to empty a dishwasher, there's no figuring it out. Open door, put away dishes.

retro:electro

The Raptor wrote: »

I would feel so bad in that one of the housemates doesn't eat at home at all. Doesn't rob other people's food, so they create very little waste. The most would be an empty bottle of shower gel or deodorant can. How do i bring up a roster system, include him to be fair but they don't eat at all in the house. Doesn't wash his clothes, they take them home, so no empty boxes of washing powder. The most he does do is shower. How is it fair getting him to remove the bins that other people are filling. That's awkward.

When you live in a house share everyone has to chip in and do their bit. it's only fair that everyone has an equal amount to do in the house. It's called being a big boy and acting responsibly.

BettePorter

The Raptor wrote:

I would feel so bad in that one of the housemates doesn't eat at home at all. Doesn't rob other people's food, so they create very little waste. The most would be an empty bottle of shower gel or deodorant can. How do i bring up a roster system, include him to be fair but they don't eat at all in the house. Doesn't wash his clothes, they take them home, so no empty boxes of washing powder. The most he does do is shower. How is it fair getting him to remove the bins that other people are filling. That's awkward.

Its a bit odd that you're grading this guys right to swerve doing his share based on the fact he has minimal waste. If he's bringing his washing home to mammy and never cooking there then he's as undomesticated as the one who walks past the bin.

Of course he should go on the roster. Does he pay less esb than the rest of u cause he never uses anything but shower? Hardly. If he walks past an overflowing bin hes as bad as the other girl. Its a house share. Roster up!

The Raptor

anna080 wrote: »

When you live in a house share everyone has to chip in and do their bit. it's only fair that everyone has an equal amount to do in the house. It's called being a big boy and acting responsibly.

Good point

The Raptor

BettePorter wrote: »

Its a bit odd that you're grading this guys right to swerve doing his share based on the fact he has minimal waste. If he's bringing his washing home to mammy and never cooking there then he's as undomesticated as the one who walks past the bin.

Of course he should go on the roster. Does he pay less esb than the rest of u cause he never uses anything but shower? Hardly. If he walks past an overflowing bin hes as bad as the other girl. Its a house share. Roster up!

Yes you're right

retro:electro

It needs to be everyone does their equal bit or nothing. Otherwise the housemate you have an issue with will say "well why isn't paul being told to do anything? He lives here too", to which you say "Paul isn't here as much and doesn't have as much domestic waste". And que an onslaught of who makes the most mess and who does what and who doesn't do anything. It's a conversation that doesn't even need to happen. Call a house meeting and without pointing fingers, say that the domestic issues are getting out of hand and let's create a roster so that everyone is doing their equal bit.

The Raptor

Anon.Grey wrote: »

My understanding of a confrontation is to face someone with hostility over something that bothers you. Asking someone to do some jobs shouldn't be that unless if you make it so.

'I tried letting the bin overflow one time' - what do you mean by this? Was this supposed to be a message to your housemate to bring out the bin. How is she supposed to read your mind that you would like her to bring out the bin. Like what nox said it doesn't even cross some people's minds. Here you are months later now seething over this.

I'm not sure what you're trying to say. I didn't know what else to call it. She's clearly not happy taking out the shared bins, she will for her own room though, and I'm not happy how she leaves them up to others. I don't know how the situation will go once I bring her laziness to her attention. I'm not going to call her lazy but she's gonna have to realise she's been in the house for six months and its something she hasn't done. But it's her that should be embarrassed about the situation, six months in a houseshare and she doesn't do it. I'm not going to tell her its been six months cause that's just bringing out how long she hasn't taken them out. I intend on just asking her to take out the bins.

I didn't intentionally let a bin overflow, she put her bloody tampon into the bathroom bin. I just wasn't going to take it out, it was gross.

zarquon

I have this same problem myself with 3 housemates. Meetings, regular requests and even pleading with them. At most i can get a few days of activity and then back to old ways again when they think the heat is off

A lot of excuses being made here but the sad truth is that modern parenting has left a sub group of adults who are like children embodied in adults, incapable of exercising responsibility because they were never properly taught to do so. The housemate who eats out and brings his washing home to his mother is just as bad as there are clearly two undomesticated overly mothered "adults"

In my experience no amount of meetings or rosters will change personalities or develop character. My housemstes are immature, lazy and blind to things like dirt. They dont even notice when the house has been cleaned.

Whats worse is that i have chronic medical conditions one of which is a compromised immune system so my house needs to be bacteria free. They still won't help and the very seldom time they do something after pleading for my healths sake its done to such a poor standard thst the cleaning needs to be redone

Op, its always going to be an issue because who are dealing with housemates with serious character flaws. You're not going to be able to fix or develop their personalities and its best thst you try and move on. It is difficult though, as taking on new housemates is also a lottery. I am trying to find mature responsible housemates but they seem truly rare in the current rental market

Best you can do in the meantime is take on a cleaner and charge that into the utilities.

IvyTheTerrible

zarquon wrote: »

I have this same problem myself with 3 housemates. Meetings, regular requests and even pleading with them. At most i can get a few days of activity and then back to old ways again when they think the heat is off

A lot of excuses being made here but the sad truth is that modern parenting has left a sub group of adults who are like children embodied in adults, incapable of exercising responsibility because they were never properly taught to do so. The housemate who eats out and brings his washing home to his mother is just as bad as there are clearly two undomesticated overly mothered "adults"

In my experience no amount of meetings or rosters will change personalities or develop character. My housemstes are immature, lazy and blind to things like dirt. They dont even notice when the house has been cleaned.

Whats worse is that i have chronic medical conditions one of which is a compromised immune system so my house needs to be bacteria free. They still won't help and the very seldom time they do something after pleading for my healths sake its done to such a poor standard thst the cleaning needs to be redone

Op, its always going to be an issue because who are dealing with housemates with serious character flaws. You're not going to be able to fix or develop their personalities and its best thst you try and move on. It is difficult though, as taking on new housemates is also a lottery. I am trying to find mature responsible housemates but they seem truly rare in the current rental market

Best you can do in the meantime is take on a cleaner and charge that into the utilities.

This is a bit extreme considering the OP has never even once mentioned to their housemate that there is a problem.

juno10353

Have a meeting of house mates in relaxed way, coffee and scones, pizza whatever. Explain that the house standards may be slipping and ask what suggestions they have...... whether roster etc, then show list of duties needing tackling while asking which jobs each would prefer, some may like hoovering while another may suggest bathroom cleaning or bins. No confrontation or blame needed, just a group of housemates sitting down and resolving the best way forward. If someone does not want to volunteer then ask them to employ a cleaner for an hour a week to cover the remainder of the work needed

c0deblu2th

I hear ya! Had same issue myself years ago. For three months I cleaned up after her. Like most said here do rosta was same advice I was given.

So I did and it led to huge row stating she gets enough of them in her job and me screaming 'I not your bleeding mother"

Eventually after we both calmed down she says all you had to do was ask, I thought you liked cleaning.

We lived very happily after for three years til we got our own places and remain best friends still.

retro:electro

I had a housemate before who was as lazy as sin and didn't wash as much as a cup. One day we told her the dishwasher was broken and we'd all have to clean up after ourselves anymore, she said "oh right okay ya". In all actuality we never even had a dishwasher and she was so clueless she never even copped and she still didn't get the message. I also lived with 3 lads who never used to see the point in cleaning in the bathroom, "sure doesn't the shower get cleaned whenever I wash myself".
Some people are just so used to people picking up after them their whole lives that they just don't even see the things that would typical bother a person. It's not even on their radar.

Dr Crayfish

You can go and talk to her first, but don't be surprised if it changes nothing. Some people are just 100% blind to housework and untidiness. Housesharing for me was mostly a nightmare unless it was with people I knew well, because these things always seem to happen. I eventually had to do whatever it took to live alone!

The Raptor

IvyTheTerrible wrote: »

This is a bit extreme considering the OP has never even once mentioned to their housemate that there is a problem.

I can see it going the same way as asking her to remove her hair from the shower. I asked her before, more than once and it went out the window after a few weeks.

LynnGrace

BettePorter wrote: »

Its a bit odd that you're grading this guys right to swerve doing his share based on the fact he has minimal waste. If he's bringing his washing home to mammy and never cooking there then he's as undomesticated as the one who walks past the bin.

Of course he should go on the roster. Does he pay less esb than the rest of u cause he never uses anything but shower? Hardly. If he walks past an overflowing bin hes as bad as the other girl. Its a house share. Roster up!

Completely agree with this. I already suggested a roster, and will now back out of the thread. Hope it gets sorted.

carolinej

OP, your house mate noticed. She's not dumb. She probably says to herself oh sure xxxx will do it.
I was in a house share a few years back. There was one girl who was as lazy as sin. She wouldn't even buy bog roll. Myself and my ally ie other girl in the house stopped buying the boy roll (petty I know, we were young) for the bathroom (kept it in my room) to see would it dawn on her oh we're out of it il pop to the shop.
No, what she did one nite was knock on the lone male in the houses bedroom door and ask him had he a roll (he'd the ensuite) she said xxxx & xxxx are gone on hunger strike ie not bought toilet roll! So she was well aware she wasn't doing her bit and being courteous.
I remember one day she arrived home with a roll of industrial bog roll & said the cleaner had left the holder unlocked in the toilets at work so she fecked it! Oh lord!

The Raptor

Just an update, i couldn't bring up the issue. Who was I to demand a roster when there never was any. It feels as if you're putting demands onto others, you do this, you do that.

I know full well that she was taking the pee. No one can be that stupid to not know how to wheel a bin. She moved in and figured out how to use the washing machine and dryer all by herself, because no one was going to do her washing for her. So she was never that stupid.

I already had to ask her to pick up her hair from the shower, she would leave clumps of it. That was done alright but It's not my job to teach her how living in a house works.

She's moving out so i don't have to put up with it much longer. The next housemate can't be that bad but then you never know how these things work.

uck51js9zml2yt

The Raptor wrote: »

Just an update, i couldn't bring up the issue. Who was I to demand a roster when there never was any. It feels as if you're putting demands onto others, you do this, you do that.

I know full well that she was taking the pee. No one can be that stupid to not know how to wheel a bin. She moved in and figured out how to use the washing machine and dryer all by herself, because no one was going to do her washing for her. So she was never that stupid.

I already had to ask her to pick up her hair from the shower, she would leave clumps of it. That was done alright but It's not my job to teach her how living in a house works.

She's moving out so i don't have to put up with it much longer. The next housemate can't be that bad but then you never know how these things work.

Set out the requirements clearly for the next person and in the meantime set up roster so it's in place when they arrive.

The Raptor

Isaias Tangy Crater wrote: »

Set out the requirements clearly for the next person and in the meantime set up roster so it's in place when they arrive.

Yes, thank you, that is a good idea, i will bring it up with the others. It has to be done and now is a good time before someone else moves in.

dellas1979

The Raptor wrote: »

Who was I to demand a roster when there never was any.

Dont really understand the first few lines of your post (or who you are talking to), but ummmm you are the rosta.

Seems to me OP, you've some work to do yourself on how to confront people. There is nothing wrong with saying how it is. Its just how you put it.

A simple "Hey guys-can we set a rosta so that one person isnt stuck doing the chore all the time".

Not "I am tired of doing all the chores. Im stuck doing it".

See it as a learning experience (at home/for work.....etc)

Hollister11

I feel for you OP. I hate mess, and especially lazy Bastards who for nothing. If this was me I'd kick her out.

Ursus Horribilis

Got to agree with everything Dellas said. Learning to be proactive is an important life skill. This story also underlines the importance of nipping matters in the bud. If you notice someone is doing something wrong, it is far easier to come to them in the early stages. Not a few months down the line.

JuliusCaesar

The Raptor wrote: »

Just an update, i couldn't bring up the issue. Who was I to demand a roster when there never was any. It feels as if you're putting demands onto others, you do this, you do that.

It seems you dislike "confrontation" to the extent you are giving yourself reasons not to ask her.

The Raptor wrote: »

I know full well that she was taking the pee. No one can be that stupid to not know how to wheel a bin.

Really? Nobody ever notices the housework that other people do. Also, you must be REALLY good at mindreading. You are mindreading her like an expert. I just wonder are your assumptions about her actually correct.

The Raptor wrote: »

I already had to ask her to pick up her hair from the shower, she would leave clumps of it. That was done alright but It's not my job to teach her how living in a house works.

Isn't it? We all have to learn to live with each other, and every family/flatshare has a different way of doing it.

The Raptor wrote: »

She's moving out so i don't have to put up with it much longer. The next housemate can't be that bad but then you never know how these things work.

Or you can avoid letting the next one know what's acceptable/usual in your flatshare, hoping they'll pick it up from your thoughts, and you'll be back here complaining again that they aren't picking up on your vibes and hints.

You could try an assertiveness course? That'll help you with getting the difference between making reasonable requests, repeatedly if necessary, and outright blazing rows. Just what do you think will happen if you "confront" someone? How do you think you would go about it?

Ursus Horribilis

The Raptor wrote: »

Just an update, i couldn't bring up the issue. Who was I to demand a roster when there never was any. It feels as if you're putting demands onto others, you do this, you do that.

Because you and the rest of your housemates were so passive, this housemate trampled right over the lot of ye. I bet you weren't the only person in the house who was silently fuming over her behaviour. Yet not one of you took the bull by the horns and did something about it. If your next housemate has bad habits, what are you going to do? Collectively throw your hands up and do nothing? I bet if someone else in the house had tried to organise a roster or suggested changes to the way you do things, you'd have happily gone along with their suggestions.

You have been handed a gilt-edged opportunity to sort things out here. Lazy filthy housemate is leaving so you don't have to have awkward conversations about bins or hair in showers. You already know your other housemates so it shouldn't be any big deal to have a chat about rosters or anything else you all feel could change in the house. They might even be glad that somebody else is doing something.