On a night out with bf

diddlysquat

orthsquel wrote: »

I think what has the potential to hamper you is worrying about him. Don't. You need to focus on you and your happiness..... not his. So if you think for a second that you can't do this because of what will happen to him or whatever, because you do care about him, get that thought out of your head. .

It's amazing to me that you would think that because as mad as it sounds in my situation, that's exactly how I feel. I am entirely unhappy with him but I do love him so I am very worried what will happen if I'm not with him.

He makes stupid decisions, is very impulsive, terrible with money. He is very intelligent and could have done great things but it's like he is drawn towards immediate pleasures as opposed to long term thinking. I've had to coax him into every positive decision in terms of money, careers, jobs.

As for the other posts, yes I have zero confidence left and feel like nobody else would want me. It's heartbreaking to watch the person you love, literally look at every girl but me. He doesn't seem to be picky and yet he would never turn around and tell me I'm beautiful or look nice. I find it's irrelevant what other people think of me, or compliment me because I feel like I base my whole self worth on his opinion

Heat_Wave

I have read 6 pages of people giving you good advice OP (and note: 100% of posters have given the exact same opinion), and yet you don't seem to be listening. I understand though, you are terrified of losing him, your living arrangements will need to change, you'll most likely lose his friends, your routines will change. In essence, your life will turn upside down for a short period of time, BUT, this needs to happen. It happens majority of people at least once in their lifetime. Take the plunge. Take back your dignity. This man sounds like a horrible human being. Don't waste your life with him.

Tasden

diddlysquat wrote: »

It's amazing to me that you would think that because as mad as it sounds in my situation, that's exactly how I feel. I am entirely unhappy with him but I do love him so I am very worried what will happen if I'm not with him.

He makes stupid decisions, is very impulsive, terrible with money. He is very intelligent and could have done great things but it's like he is drawn towards immediate pleasures as opposed to long term thinking. I've had to coax him into every positive decision in terms of money, careers, jobs.

As for the other posts, yes I have zero confidence left and feel like nobody else would want me. It's heartbreaking to watch the person you love, literally look at every girl but me. He doesn't seem to be picky and yet he would never turn around and tell me I'm beautiful or look nice. I find it's irrelevant what other people think of me, or compliment me because I feel like I base my whole self worth on his opinion

Bit of tough love here but "what will happen without you" is he'd ring the girl from the pool place. Or go groping other girls like he did with your friend. Seriously, he'd give it no second thought, he sure as hell doesn't now when he has you.

You're not his mother. You're not responsible for his financial management and career choices etc. It's great that you supported him but that's what people do for the people they love...so when has he done this for you?
It seems like he has just been draining it all from you and not even appreciated it. So, what is it that you love about him? Not how do you feel responsible, but what positive qualities does he have that makes you WANT to be with him, not make you feel you NEED to stay. A relationship should be based on mutual support and happiness. Is he giving you that?

Your self worth doesn't lie with how he feels about you. You decide what you're worth and right now you're worthy of a man child who can't look after himself let alone build a future with you. You're going to be surprised by how confident and empowered you feel when you cut ties with him and start living your own life free from worries about him.

Ursus Horribilis

For all you know, he's already screwing around. Have you had any tests for STIs? You are not his keeper and you cannot be around him 100% of the time. It's physically impossible and it should not be something you aspire to do. Either you trust him or you don't.

It's obvious that you're not going to leave him so all I can advise you to do is don't have any children with him.

This relationship is going to go one of two ways

1. He finds another woman and dumps you.
2. You watch him going out the door of an evening. He may or may not come home. You know he's screwing other women but you're never going to leave

Which do you want.

You don't seem to be taking in any of the words people are giving to you but I'll give this advice again. If you can access/afford it, please go talk to a counsellor. You're so wrapped up in this, you are unwilling and unable to do the right thing.

Estrellita

diddlysquat wrote: »

As for the other posts, yes I have zero confidence left and feel like nobody else would want me.... I find it's irrelevant what other people think of me, or compliment me because I feel like I base my whole self worth on his opinion

Please look again what you have written here. How have you gotten to a place where someone who doesn't value you at all, has the only opinion you value? The answer is gradual but systematic manipulation. It really is form of abuse.

You wouldn't have ever let someone do this to you prior to meeting him. Move out, and stick with people who are trying to help you. You will need strength to get out of this guy's clutches, because of the damage he has done to you.

Let me tell you this, you stay with this guy then the rest of this story will get far more grim. He may keep you on while seeing other women, or you will get dumped because he's found another piece of skirt to take his s.hit.

Here's one for you. I spent 3 times the amount of time you did with someone who crushed my self esteem to non-exisistence. I married him because I thought it was my lot, children came along too. It gets harder, and harder, and harder to end it. Why? Because it's all you believe you are worth. My current OH would completely disagree, of course, I'm divorced

If I could go back to where you are now, and shake the s.hit out of my younger self, I would. Don't let this go and end up regretting a big chunk of your life like me. And don't listen to his I love you, I'm sorry I was wrong sob stories. Those are the manipulative lies that makes you stay and take more of his s.hit.

You are better off leaving when he's not there, the force can be strong with these types. Be strong girl, you ARE worth a lot more!!

pc7

You can get back what you have lost and be the stronger and better for it. Please talk to your family and just walk away. He's poison, he won't change, picture what will be left of 'you' in another 4 years. You are stronger than you know.

leggo

OP an hour on Tinder or POF after this relationship would change your world when you see the amount of people out there who'd be interested in you. You don't need to stand for this. Take the first step and pack up some bags and move back to your family to stay for a while, get away from the situation and get some perspective. Worst case scenario I'm sure he'll beg you to come back, but I'd put money on you not looking back and seeing it as the best move you ever made. Take your life back.

orthsquel

You're probably more worried about how he will cope because you're a compassionate, empathetic and caring person..... and I do suspect you will put yourself second. Because that is part of what you have been doing, putting your needs and wants second to his. But you need to put yourself first and not give him a seconds thought about how he will cope... you need to look and think and care about how you will cope. You need, in a sense to be compassionate and empathetic towards yourself, not him. And what a few others have said since a few posts up is true, is that while you are sitting there worrying about him (rather than yourself) he most likely isn't worrying about you.

Tasden is right in that you are not responsible for his choices, career and financial choices. You're also not responsible for his behaviour - he has to be held account to his behaviour and actions, and he is most unlikely to ever do that. But it is not up to you to be responsible for him for his life, or his actions and behaviour. You can only accept responsibility for your own... not in a negative way, but owning up to this situation and that it cannot continue. Not with someone who makes you feel utterly worthless and who makes you feel like a shadow of your former self. I think you need to understand that the validation you want from him, the value that you want him to have of you (as his opinion of your value matters the most) is never going to be given. He is never going to make you feel valued or loved in the way that you want and need, but completely deserve.

How much do your friends and family know about your relationship and how you really feel about yourself? I think it is time you reach out to them and tell them what is really going on - I suspect you have been keeping a lot of this in? - and ask them for their help and support in ending this unhealthy relationship to more practical things such as moving out.

Sound Bite

Op, this is your description of him. All of these are your words.

1. Chats up other women in front of you
2. Has a history of bad behaviour when drunk
3. Gropes your friend
4. Shouts at you in front of friends
5. Tells you you are wrong to be annoyed
6. Is good at twisting things
7. Makes you feel like a crazy jealous person

You also say:
"I need to be with him to stop these things happened"
"I honestly feel that if I'm not at his side then he will do these things"


Op, it happens when you are there anyway. He has no respect for you at all. Leave him.


He has all but stopped short of shagging someone in front of you! Would you even leave him if he did?

You really need to get an sti test.

If you still can't leave, you need to go to counselling at a minimum. You are 25. You have your whole life ahead of you. You are entirely unhappy so why are you staying.

batmanrobin

You're worried about what he'll do without you? Em, I'd imagine he'll live his life just fine. You know, kind of how he did it long before you and how he'll do it long after you.

Don't overestimate your importance here, OP. He WILL absolutely 100% without a doubt survive just fine without you.

Stop making excuses. You don't want to end the relationship because you love him. That's the only reason. Anything else is bull.

So your options are stay and continue to be miserable. Really, does it matter if no one else would want you? Does that really justify staying? Or you leave and start over with yourself. You, by yourself, building up your self esteem so that you never wind up with someone like him again.

He's an asshole, OP. You know this. If you stay then that tells him you're okay with him treating you like a doormat. You can't really be surprised that he's treating you the way he is, can you? He knows he's got you.

Toughen up, respect yourself and walk away. It doesn't matter how long you two have been together. Time is highly irrelevant when someone treats you this bad.

bp

I had a friend in a similar situation and until she dumped him (as opposed to him dumping her) she couldn't move on.

She is so happy now with a fabulous person. Chances are he has someone lined up already. Please speak to your friends and family and leave him.

Good luck OP, four years is better than 40

juno10353

Many people have given you similar advice here OP. Your thread was started yesterday after the incident the night before. What is the situation now. Have you spoken to your bf, have you spoken to friends or family, have you come to any decision about your future going forward. You have reached out for advice, which acknowledges you know this is a problem. Hope you have made decision and have spoken and confided in friends so that you have a support network around you. This man is a manipulative oaf. Start giving yourself the positive affirmations you need to strengthen your feelings of self worth. You have shown love, kindness and caring towards you bf, now show it to youself and treat yourself with the respect and love which you deserve.

amtc

I just remembered something that my ex used to do. As I said I was a size 10 and he sponsored me 5 euro for each pound I lost. I didn't need to lose weight! Anyway we used go out for meals most of which I paid for as better job. He'd advise me what I could order and stuff himself, and then flutter an eyelash and tell me that was his calories gone. Deluded, I stayed with this for 5 years. When we got engaged I told nobody. I used put the ring on in my car going to work and take it off before going home to my parents. It took me years to get over this guy.

On a separate note to the op would it be better to try and fast forward the process? You mentioned that the pool is on Weds? Could you be unavailable? Ask a friend to observe? See what happens when he goes...which he will? Kind of s honey trap. This could be the worst idea ever, but I know with me I literally had to see it happening. Once I did selling a house, ending engagement was dead easy. Such a relief. Now years later I can smile at the good times

Estrellita

amtc wrote: »

You mentioned that the pool is on Weds? Could you be unavailable? Ask a friend to observe? See what happens when he goes...which he will? Kind of s honey trap.

You are on target with a lot amtc, but in the Op's case I wouldn't bother with the above. He has more than earned a red card. Actually watching him in action would do her no good, she already knows what he is.

Tbh, I think everyone here is saying the same thing. We don't need to know nor are we entitled to know the end result, she's been given a unanimous 'get rid of him'. You can only help those who want to be helped.

dellas1979

batmanrobin wrote: »

He WILL absolutely 100% without a doubt survive just fine without you.

Very true.

Youre being very honest in your posts OP.

But lets take a couple of steps back for me to get this across using the point above.

Your self esteem is in the gutter now. Maybe it was never great, even before this relationship. I really do believe subconsciously you were attracted to him for certain reasons or behaviours.

Because its so shot, I would turn the quote above around to you. You are scared that you will not survive without him. Your self esteem (and worthiness) seem to be codependent on him.

This is why a lot of the time, people are scared to leave other people like this.

Right now, you cant see yourself as a bright, lovely girl who deserves better than this. And in this case, I really feel you would take it very hard (and youll beat yourself up for "not making it work") if you did walk away. I would really advise you get get some councelling (he doesnt have to know) both before and after.

Youre only 25, and you really, really do have the world at your feet.

amtc

It's funny. Normally I dip in and out of this forum but it really struck a chord with me. The problem is until you're ready it's hard to admit. I know in my case I was 30, just engaged and house bought. I was that smug married! I thought I had to travel that road. If I had I would have serious issues now.

An elderly friend of my Granny's said to me recently that kindness is often perceived as weakness. There are people who prey on this. My advice for op is to literally take a break. If you don't want to split up make him work for it.

And be kind to you.

Shint0

I was married to someone like this. Without going into details about his behaviour throughout the marriage the final straw came recently where he managed to swindle one of his closest friends and the situation could have had serious financial implications for me with worst case scenario I could possibly lose my house. Of course he completely denied it as he would with everything; just deny, deny, deny and tell me I was imagining everything. I had to get clarification from another source on what he did and how it could involve me after which he threatened me with violence.

This was a constant pattern during the marriage and the marriage had been dead for a long time. The difficulty was that fifty per cent of the time he could be the most caring and considerate person which was why I found it very difficult to cut ties emotionally even though I had lost trust in him years ago. It makes it so much more difficult when somebody has many positive aspects to their personality and it's hard to reconcile that with the other side which is rotten to the core. These type of relationships are not easy to remove yourself from but now that he's finally gone I can just try to move on and quite happy that it's finally over. Don't wait as long as I did because it does wear you down but once you're out of the situation you know it was the right thing to do.

Mr Arrior

A woman I know that works at a bar told me that a guy gave her his number on a napkin when his girlfriend was in the bathroom. Guys like this make me sick, sounds very much like he's wanting to play around. OP, you deserve better than that.

amtc

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/oct/08/moment-marriage-over-asked-partner-be-nicer-to-me

I thought this was an interesting perspective on a similar story.

Yellow pack crisps

You sound lovely OP. You also sound sad,nervous, anxious, resentful, head wrecked, lost, fatigued and a whole host of other negative things. If as you say this relationship has made you the opposite of who you are then why are you still in it? Imagine having a wholesome, loving and caring relationship. Imagine having a partner you love and respect and you don't have to ask him does he love and respect you because you just know he does. A fundamental and basic thing in a relationship that sets it apart from others is the beautiful simplicity of feeling secure because from that grows everything else.

Emme

OP you know he is out of order. When I used to go out in Dublin my friends and i (single) were often approached by guys who turned out to be in relationships. We wouldn't entertain then and felt very sorry for their partners. Some even said their partners knew they were chatting up other women and were happy with the situation. Yeah right :rolleyes:

We felt that attached women who willingly enabled their partners to behave like this were doing a major disservice to themselves and single women looking for genuine guys. If you let your boyfriend behave like this knowing deep down he is with other women you are an enabler and are responsible for your own misery.

He knows he's in the wrong but he's trying to convince you the problem is yours. Well he's right, the problem is yours as long as you stay with him.
Dump him and you will be minus the problem.

ncmc

You know, this thread makes me very sad. And there seems to have been a spate of them in RI lately. There are so many women (and men) in toxic, emotionally abusive relationships, and I am seeing it myself with someone very close to me who can’t see the fact that her husband is emotionally abusing her and she insists on blaming herself for everything. I actually sent her the link about gaslighting posted earlier, I had never heard that phrase before, but every point described him to a tee. I know she won’t leave him, she’s a lot older than you OP and she feels that an imperfect life with him is better than a life without him.

There are good guys out there OP, I know your confidence is through the floor, but there are plenty of guys out there who will never look at another woman when you are around, will tell you that you look beautiful every day, that would never dream of shouting at you – either in private or public and who would rather cut off their hand than grope your friend. They are out there OP, and despite what you might think from reading threads here, they are in the majority and guys like your boyfriend are, thankfully, in the minority.

Get out now while you’re young and there’s no kids or mortgage involved. Do you really want to spend the next 50-60 years of your life dealing with this crap? Or what is more likely to happen is that he’ll cheat and pull the rug out from under you and dump you for some other victim. You’re worth more than this OP, 80+ posts and not one person has thought you were over reacting or out of line. I really hope you find that spark of your former self and dump this pig. Best of luck.

deisemum

OP I reckon if you had a chat with your close friends and asked them for their honest opinions of your partner that most would actually tell you that they don't really like him and that they wish you'd leave him.

They've already talked about him behind your back before one of your friends told you about him trying to grope another friend a while back, that should make you wonder what else he's done or tried to do to a friend that you haven't been told about yet.

thalia_13

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

You sound lovely OP. You also sound sad,nervous, anxious, resentful, head wrecked, lost, fatigued and a whole host of other negative things. If as you say this relationship has made you the opposite of who you are then why are you still in it? Imagine having a wholesome, loving and caring relationship. Imagine having a partner you love and respect and you don't have to ask him does he love and respect you because you just know he does. A fundamental and basic thing in a relationship that sets it apart from others is the beautiful simplicity of feeling secure because from that grows everything else.

I'd imagine that the OP can't imagine finding the partner you described, right now her self confidence is shot and she probably thinks it's better to stay than leave and be all alone.
I could be wrong, but I know myself that when faced with the prospect of the relationship ending, you rationalise bad behaviour and compromise because you think it might work out.
And if you work harder then he will change and the relationship will be grand again, and you won't be on your own.
And it's you putting all your energy in, and meanwhile he's just soaking up all your energy and giving nothing back.
But it's impossible to see that when rose tinted glasses are glued to your face and no amount of sense or well meaning advice from family friends or lovely people on Boards will knock them off.
Even when you acknowledge the bad behaviour and the pain it's causing you, there is a terrible fear that this might be the only chance.
I could be wrong, and I hope you do realise that you are better off without him. And it won't be easy, and heartbreak really is a physical pain.

But it does subside, you do get stronger every day that you aren't in a relationship that has you pent up with anxiety and hurt.

Shint0

ncmc wrote: »

You know, this thread makes me very sad. And there seems to have been a spate of them in RI lately.

Yes, you are right. There are more of these type of situations coming up here more frequently. Some of the responses here can range from 'run and don't look back', the person must have low self esteem and one male poster was told to get a grip, to stop making a second thread and just swallow the advice in the first one. It shows a complete lack of knowledge or any relevant experience of the dynamics involved in these type of relationships and an underestimation of how difficult it can be to get out of them.

Anyone of all levels of intelligence can find themselves in a relationship similar to the OP or to my own situation and it knows no boundaries. Some people have usually been thinking about finishing the relationship for quite some time and may even make a few attempts to exit which I did but my husband found ingenious ways to get back into the house and my life because it suited him. My husband has a very high IQ which he is able to use creatively. Combine that with an underlying deeper nasty streak and you have a very powerful combination.

That nasty streak doesn't always present itself straightaway. They can hide behind a false persona although there are some signs but by the time they fully emerge you choose to overlook them because you have experienced their good side initially and it was this which kept me connected to him despite having huge insight into his behaviour. We also shared many good times and did lots of activities together.

His particular mindset didn't just apply to me so I try not to blame myself or take responsibilty for his behaviour. He applies it to everybody who comes into his life including friends and relatives he would deceive on a large scale and others he would lie with over small things when there was no need.

I'm not sure if this is relevant to the OP but in order for me to try to break that connection to him and detach I had to adopt the mindset of a single woman and perceive myself as single because it wasn't a future I was willing to accept indefinitely. I stopped wearing my wedding ring, I found myself wanting to be attracted to other men if they seemed like a good person, and I kept certain finances away from him for when we eventually split which was always inevitable. It was almost as if I had adopt some of his own mindset which was alien to me in order to inch myself out of the situation further. In the end he did leave voluntarily after he went a step too far.

The fact I did have some good relationships in the past kept me reminded it is possible again and what to avoid in the future. I have much greater clarity now that my relationship is finally finished and feeling hopeful and optimistic. Interestingly enough some threads here on Boards where people made the decision to leave a marriage they were trapped in also inspired me and hopefully the OP or others reading this might take that courageous step also.

professore

diddlysquat wrote: »

No we have no kids

Lucky lucky you. Run for the hills. He will only get worse. Imagine having 3-4 kids down the line and sitting at home while he's out having fun with other women? And then as another poster says, dumping you for one of them? That's much much worse than cutting your losses now. I bet there are lots of guys that would be delighted to have you.

professore

Mr Arrior wrote: »

A woman I know that works at a bar told me that a guy gave her his number on a napkin when his girlfriend was in the bathroom. Guys like this make me sick, sounds very much like he's wanting to play around. OP, you deserve better than that.

I second that. Also astonishes me that lots of girls will follow up on the number - knowing in advance he's a cheating asshole. Must be down to "confidence". I've got a friend like this, or at least he's a guy I went to college with, I don't have much respect for him, married with 4 kids to a lovely woman, and he's still at it. We stop him every time when he's out with us, but there's no shortage of takers even with his marriage ring. There are a lot of cheaters out there.

I really think if you stay with this guy you are just enabling him and making the world a slightly worse place. I know it may be hard to leave but it will be so worth it. There are plenty of good guys out there. I know you're not married but it's like the old joke: "Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it".

LegacyUser

diddlysquat wrote: »

I do love him so I am very worried what will happen if I'm not with him.
Yes I have zero confidence left and feel like nobody else would want me.
I feel like I base my whole self worth on his opinion

Your sentences above speak volumes.
This is not the "You" from 4 years ago. - your words!!

Please find yourself again. I really do hope you do!
Get out from under his suffocating and demeaning and belitting of you. You deserve better.

What will happen if you not with him??? you will grow back to being you , grow as a person, you will excel and you will be happy and find someone who loves you and respects you.

I am male (not that that should matter) and I can see from a distance this guy is manipulative and destroying you.
Do the right thing for you. Leave him and surround yourself with loved ones and friends and postive people.
Hold your head up high and good luck!