On a night out with bf

diddlysquat

Me, my bf and a few friends were out last night. We were in a bar where you could play pool. Me and my friend went to the bar to get drinks for us all.

When we returned, my bf and his friend were playing against some girl and her friend. The game finished and my bf told me he was going to the bar with this girl and the guy she was with (we had just brought ourselves,my bf and his friend drinks).

Anyway he was gone a while so I went to see if he was ok and I walked up behind him to see the girl he had been playing with, putting her number into his phone. This is someone he had met maybe 15 mins beforehard.

He has a history of doing stupid things when drunk and only recently one of my friends accused him of trying to feel her ass when drunk. It happened a few months back but only came to my attention now.

He said that the guy she was with was her bf (I asked and he wasn't) and he was only taking her number to play pool next week. Given recent events I completely lost it at him.

My head is fried and I don't know if I am being irrational as he has a way of making me feel I am.

I think you would need to be very naive on a night out to be taking a girls number that you have just met and arranging to meet and for her to not think he is hitting on her.

Would anyone in a relationship be ok with this ?

helimachoptor

Dump his ass. He's no respect for you

PirateShampoo

I don't understand what your confused about. He has no respect for you and is more than likely sleeping around behind your back.

Get some respect for yourself and dump him.

Estrellita

Just... No. It doesn't sound right at all. Sounds like your relationship has run its course. Zero respect for you, and that is while you were out with him. I hate to think what he's like when just out with the lads.

You can sit at home worrying if/when he cheats, or you can opt out and find someone that hasn't the cheek to pick up girls in front of you.

diddlysquat

We''ve been together for 4 years and live together. I can't get my head around this. When I confronted him last night, he shouted at me in front of our friends.

I haven't spoken him today yet but I know when I do he will try tell me that I was wrong to be annoyed

Ursus Horribilis

Do you have kids with him?

freedominacup

diddlysquat wrote: »

We''ve been together for 4 years and live together. I can't get my head around this. When I confronted him last night, he shouted at me in front of our friends.

I haven't spoken him today yet but I know when I do he will try tell me that I was wrong to be annoyed

Time to go. Any doubt there's no doubt.

diddlysquat

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Do you have kids with him?

No we have no kids

bp

I understand you are living together but to shout at you and treat you like this he clearly has no respect and is playing the push the blame on you game to distract away from the issue of him being disrespectful.

Is it really worth it this relationship? Does he make you happy? Would he stay in with you instead of going out with his mates if you were unwell? Does he go out of his way to do things for you?

Estrellita

diddlysquat wrote: »

We''ve been together for 4 years and live together. I can't get my head around this. When I confronted him last night, he shouted at me in front of our friends.

I haven't spoken him today yet but I know when I do he will try tell me that I was wrong to be annoyed

You know what he did last night was out of order. The girl, making a show of you in front of friends. If he starts getting p.issy with you now on top of all that.. then you've lost all respect for yourself if you stay with him.

Saying you love him is not a reason to excuse his piggish, bully-boy attitude. If you know what you saw, you remember how he shouted at you last night in front of everyone, then you should pack a bag before he takes his hangover out on you too. You started this thread because you know last night was wrong, deep down.

boobycharlton

Sounds ridiculous and you shouldn't put up with that. Acting like that is not acceptable ever, but especially if you are 4 years together. Being drunk is no excuse at all.

Get out before you get stuck with his kids!

mapaca

He chatted a girl up, took her number and arranged to meet her again, all while you were right there? No. No, those are not the actions of a loving, respectful partner. Massive red flag, to be honest. Also:
1. The fact that he shouted at you in public
2. You said he has a way of making you feel you're being irrational
3. You already know he will turn it all around on you if you try to talk to him about it
These are more red flags. He sounds manipulative and borderline abusive. You deserve better than that.

Airyfairy12

Run, hes a cheater.. dont waste your time. No man is worth it, leave for your own sake.

Teyla Emmagan

I really hope you are breaking up with this guy right now OP.

Ursus Horribilis

I'm wondering what else you need to see happen for you to leave? Video footage of him shägging someone? I know you love him and it'll probably lead to you having to find somewhere else to live. But what's the alternative? He has demonstrated by his actions that he has a roving eye - and that's putting it kindly. He has no respect for you or your relationship. Why on earth are you settling for this?

StupidLikeAFox

He got caught taking another girls number and lying about her friend being her boyfriend. You had every right to get pissed off over that - but then when you raised it he got thick with you? I'll put it this way OP, he has ****ed up here but is trying to put the blame all back on you. Get the **** out of there.

If this is the way he is acting after 4 years its not gonna suddenly change. It won't be easy of course, after 4 years you have invested a lot of time and effort in the relationship but I will draw you to a favourite quote of mine from Better Call Saul:

The fallacy of sunk cost… It’s what gamblers do. They throw good money after bad thinking they can turn their luck around. It’s like, “I’ve already spent this much money or time… whatever. I got to keep going!” No, there’s no reward at the end of this game.

timmy880

"Play pool with this girl next week?"

Get rid of this guy pronto...... He is an absolute t0sspot

soundcrowd

He's taking the piss and he's been caught. Imagine what he would do if you weren't around?

EmmaMurray2016

Time to go. He has no respect for u. You caught him in action what is he doing when you aren't around.

diddlysquat

Thanks for all the replies. I know it seems obvious and it is but he is good at twisting things.

He told me it was innocent and that he was just taking her number because there is a meet up group who play there on Wednesdays. Now there is an event on Wednesdays to play pool there and that bit is true but I don't see why he'd need to take her number. That seems more specifally that he is trying to meet her there.

He knows the place, we live near there. And in reality that could easily be a way of trying it on with someone. He makes me feel like a crazy jealous person but I doubt very much anyone would be happy with their bf taking a girl's number that he has just met.

I know he would not be happy if I took some random guys number

juno10353

Get out now before you waste any more time on a manipulative, inconsiderate, bullying, offensive oaf.

Ursus Horribilis

What are you asking for from this thread? As in, are you hoping someone will tell you what you want to hear rather than reading him called every sort of name under the sun.

What is it that YOU think happened here?

soundcrowd

You're starting to doubt yourself due to his bull. He's good if he has you doubting.
There is absolutely no reason why he would take her number, bar one and I think we all know what he was trying to do.

Airyfairy12

diddlysquat wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. I know it seems obvious and it is but he is good at twisting things.

He told me it was innocent and that he was just taking her number because there is a meet up group who play there on Wednesdays. Now there is an event on Wednesdays to play pool there and that bit is true but I don't see why he'd need to take her number. That seems more specifally that he is trying to meet her there.

He knows the place, we live near there. And in reality that could easily be a way of trying it on with someone. He makes me feel like a crazy jealous person but I doubt very much anyone would be happy with their bf taking a girl's number that he has just met.

I know he would not be happy if I took some random guys number

I went out with a guy like this for 3 years, I always felt something was off, I didnt trust him but he was so manipulative he convinced me I was crazy and jealous. Turned me into someone who wasnt me, I was anxious and paranoid all the time. One day he left his facebook logged in and what ever came over me I couldnt help myself and I snooped, I discovered hed been cheating constantly since we got together with anyone willing, guys like him are morally bankrupt, theyll tell you anything to convince you otherwise but theyre so manipulative, they cant be trusted because all they care about is themselves and their ego. Trust your gut, if you feel like something is wrong then it probably is and stop making excuses for him.

freedominacup

soundcrowd wrote: »

You're starting to doubt yourself due to his bull. He's good if he has you doubting.
There is absolutely no reason why he would take her number, bar one and I think we all know what he was trying to do.

To put it bluntly. If you weren't there and the girl in question was up for it your boyfriend would have been balls deep in her. Picture that as you are packing the bags. His or yours is irrelevant. Get rid of him now.

juno10353

It's not just about the telephone number, he left your company on a night out to join another company. He left you and your friend sittting pretty wondering what was going on. He wrangled another womans phone number in front of you. He shouted at you in front of others. He humiliated you in front of friends and strangers, and now will try and convince you that you are wrong to feel the humiliation and anger. This man is wasting your time and your love. He doesn't respect you, and you are disrespecting yourself by not calling time on it. Hold your head up, be proud. You went to bar to buy your boyfriend a drink, and all you got was humiliation. This guy is not worthy of you. Cut ties, and be glad you are free to find love and respect frim someone worthy of you.. good luck moving forward.

charlietheminxx

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

I went out with a guy like this for 3 years, I always felt something was off, I didnt trust him but he was so manipulative he convinced me I was crazy and jealous. Turned me into someone who wasnt me, I was anxious and paranoid all the time. One day he left his facebook logged in and what ever came over me I couldnt help myself and I snooped, I discovered hed been cheating constantly since we got together with anyone willing, guys like him are morally bankrupt, theyll tell you anything to convince you otherwise but theyre so manipulative, they cant be trusted because all they care about is themselves and their ego. Trust your gut, if you feel like something is wrong then it probably is and stop making excuses for him.

I have had a very similar experience to this and it honestly messed me up for a long time. The worst part is that you end up constantly doubting yourself. I remember having such a sick feeling when my ex did stuff like this but never being sure enough to break up with him. Run. Seriously leave this fella and don't look back, in years to come you'll feel like kicking yourself.

cactusgal

diddlysquat wrote: »

He told me it was innocent and that he was just taking her number because there is a meet up group who play there on Wednesdays.

The really great thing about Meetup.com is that it's all online.

Completely.

As in, no phone numbers needed.

We can't convince you to dump him, but I would seriously encourage to raise your standards.

Passtheremote

OP, you know this is all wrong. Your gut is screaming at you THIS DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT.

Always trust your feelings. They are doing all the work for you.

Airyfairy12

charlietheminxx wrote: »

I have had a very similar experience to this and it honestly messed me up for a long time. The worst part is that you end up constantly doubting yourself. I remember having such a sick feeling when my ex did stuff like this but never being sure enough to break up with him. Run. Seriously leave this fella and don't look back, in years to come you'll feel like kicking yourself.

Exactly, I still catch myself getting upset about it a year after we broke up, the hurt takes a long time to heal and youre left with trust issues long after the relationship has ended. Staying in the relationship only causes more hurt in the long run. Best thing to do is protect yourself and leave. Your self worth should be first priority.

Ursus Horribilis

He's openly behaving like this because he knows there are no repercussions. You are the loyal girlfriend living at home who's never going to leave him. Am I right?

diddlysquat

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

He's openly behaving like this because he knows there are no repercussions. You are the loyal girlfriend living at home who's never going to leave him. Am I right?

Pretty much sums me up to a tee.

The reason I am clarifying my posts with additional info, is to make sure I am giving an accurate depiction because he is so adamant that I am irrational and he did nothing wrong. I feel anxious all the time and that I need to be with him to stop these things happening

lawred2

How is this even a question? He picks up girls when you're on a night out with him. Imagine what he's like when he's out and you're at home. It's finished.

Get out now before you end up committed to him in a real sense.

orthsquel

Even if anyone could rationalise it away and say there was nothing in it (which I'm not) it's still inconsiderate, rude and disrespectful towards you.

diddlysquat wrote: »

I feel anxious all the time and that I need to be with him to stop these things happening

That's not at all healthy for you OP, nobody's behaviour least of all a boyfriend of 4 years that you live with should be making you feel that way...feeling anxious all the time, especially because of their behaviour. Is this the first time something like this has happened?

ncmc

Even if what he did last night was innocent, what about him trying to feel your friends arse? He has no respect for you OP and sounds like he has no respect for women in general. Get out now while you still have some pride and self respect left.

eviltwin

diddlysquat wrote: »

Pretty much sums me up to a tee.

The reason I am clarifying my posts with additional info, is to make sure I am giving an accurate depiction because he is so adamant that I am irrational and he did nothing wrong. I feel anxious all the time and that I need to be with him to stop these things happening

There is no clarification needed. He's being a creep to your friend and openly trying to pick up women in front of you. Kick him to the kerb.

He's giving you a false sense of security. He's causing you anxiety, not preventing it.

leggo

One of my biggest relationship red flags is when someone is trying to make you feel like a situation you know in your heart is crazy is completely normal. That's manipulation right there. Get rid, there's so much more to life than this.

9or10

OP, sorry to add to tidal wave condemning your OH, but this guy is a real creep.

ShaShaBear

He couldn't have taken the lad's number, no?

Wilberto

ShaShaBear wrote: »

He couldn't have taken the lad's number, no?

in the original post, the OP said that her bf said that he was putting the girls number into his phone to play her in pool next week.

That sounds like an admission on his part that he was taking her number.

ShaShaBear

Wilberto wrote: »

in the original post, the OP said that her bf said that he was putting the girls number into his phone to play her in pool next week.

That sounds like an admission on his part that he was taking her number.

I do see that, but since the BF was playing pool with both this girl and another lad, surely he could have taken the lad's number to see if either of them wanted to meet up to play pool?

Wilberto

ShaShaBear wrote: »

I do see that, but since the BF was playing pool with both this girl and another lad, surely he could have taken the lad's number to see if either of them wanted to meet up to play pool?

Ah, sorry, now I know what you're getting at. You're right, of course.

deisemum

He's a sleeze trying to grope your friend's arse, that would have been the final nail in the coffin for a lot of people. OP how low has he got to go before you finally see him for what he is and not make excused for him?

downwesht

This guy obviously has you "under his spell" and knows it.You are being played for a fool and you are asking our opinions because at last you are starting to see the light.
Drop him like a hot potato and save your loyalty and affection for someone that will only have eyes for you.
It is a big step to take right now but 6 months down the line you will be glad you did!

Ursus Horribilis

Have your friends ever tried to talk to you about him? if the shoe was on the other foot and one of your friend's boyfriends groped your arse, what would your thoughts on the situation be?

The tragic thing is that you're so scared of accepting what's happening, you're going to make excuses until the cows come home. He was drunk. He didn't really mean it. If only I was funnier/sexier/more intelligent he'd not do it. He is going to wear you down, turn you into a paranoid, timid, downtrodden woman who's afraid to open her mouth. That process has happened already. You just can't see it.

Here's another thing to consider. If he's openly trawling around for other women, he might dump you for one of them some of these days. Then you'll be left high and dry and needing to fend for yourself. Wouldn't it be better to end this on your own terms rather than on his.

Ursus Horribilis

Have you ever heard of gaslighting?

Now, I'm not suggesting you are a victim of it but you should have a read of the article anyway and see does any of apply to you. It's a form of emotional abuse where the person who's the victim ends up doubting themselves and unsure. You have admitted he's good at twisting things around and making you think you're the unreasonable one. Have a read of it.

zcorpian88

[Mod Snip] Thread derailment

Taltos

Mod Note
zscorpian88 - don't repeat the above again. Derailing a thread in this manner is dimly viewed here.

Katgurl

Sorry OP I have nothing new to add but want to echo the previous posters; this guy is bad news.

I know four years is a long time but you're not tied up in kids or even marriage so you should walk immediately or better yet send him packing.

Bear in mind it can't have been easy for your friend to tell you about the attempted groping.

He will erode your self esteem and your sense of what's right if you stay.

amtc

Taking a number is acceptable in certain circumstances. For example I have my two best friends' husband and partner's number. I have used them infrequently. For example I texted my best friend's husband to say she was on the way home as she'd lost her key to check he was there. I texted him for his birthday. My other best friend was in hospital so I texted his partner to see how he was. These are legitimate reasons. I also have my neighbour's numbers (just married), I don't know either of them well but I'd text her rather than him even though I would know him since we moved in. However taking a random person's number is not OK. Nor is she giving it! Plus the friend incident concerns me.

Years ago I went out with a guy who took a girl's business card on a night out. He told me and I felt uneasy but rationalised it by saying I had male friends and they worked in the same industry. Difference is I was open about this. He wasn't about amount of contact and I never met her. He had me convinced I was going mad. About a year later we were literally signing for our house, and as we left he dropped phone in my car. I quite innocently picked it up (same model) to find a text from her congratulating him on getting me to pay half of their 'sex den'. When I confronted him he admitted it had started innocently. We tried to put it behind us. I just couldn't and it turned me into a nervy anxious snivelling wreck constantly seeking approval. My parents and his parents were so worried. Eventually I accidentally bumped into his ex who, when I met her which wasn't planned was unbelievably nasty to me, she stood on my foot in heels. Anyway turned out she'd been out for meals etc and met her family and he'd told her I was just a friend whereas we were actually going out...she kind of assumed they were...anyway, pattern... So I finally broke it off. Anyway next girl he met took him for everything he had. Hit him where it hurt.

Have a chat to your friends and family.

amtc

Oh the ex I reference was the one before he met me. The other girl was during