Didnt get the shift at a wedding

JimmysCar

Put on my best suit, had the closest shave ever, washed my balls (used some special pube conditioner), clipped my nails, put on my pointiest shoes, even praticed my best dance moves before. Didn't even get meself a heifer. Nothing. Gave it everything I had on the dancefloor. Sure I was the pick of the litter. No idea what I did wrong. Ended up in bed all alone in the hotel. What could have gone wrong?

kneemos

The **** is pube conditioner ?

unattendedbag

You tried too hard. Playing hard to get will always work

Realt Dearg Sec

If you can't get any action at a wedding, you may as well donate your tackle to science, because you'll never need it, to be honest.

Homer

JimmysCar wrote: »

put on my pointiest shoes

There's your problem right there

darkpagandeath

Homer wrote: »

There's your problem right there

Good for kicking someone up the hole though ?

Realt Dearg Sec

Homer wrote: »

There's your problem right there

Don't be stupid, women love lads in elf shoes and pube conditioner.

The_Valeyard

unattendedbag wrote: »

You tried too hard. Playing hard to get will always work

Sure that's why he has never been caught

Outlaw Pete

JimmysCar wrote: »

Gave it everything I had on the dancefloor.

Men should never dance (unless they're Christopher Walken).

AndyPandy123

The fact that you'd refer to someone as a heifer pretty much says it all.
Enjoy the single life brah.

AndyPandy123

The fact that you'd refer to someone as a heifer pretty much says it all.
Enjoy the single life brah.

VladamirP

Because you are a clown.

learn_more

JimmysCar wrote: »

Put on my best suit, had the closest shave ever, washed my balls (used some special pube conditioner), clipped my nails, put on my pointiest shoes, even praticed my best dance moves before. Didn't even get meself a heifer. Nothing. Gave it everything I had on the dancefloor. Sure I was the pick of the litter. No idea what I did wrong. Ended up in bed all alone in the hotel. What could have gone wrong?

Your obviously an exceptionally unattractive dude if after all that effort you still didn't pull. Try putting a brown paper bag over you head in addition to all that effort next time and I'm sure you'll do a bit better.

Or are you one of these simple dudes that thinks your face has nothing to do with it. If it's a heifer your after then must look like a bull, but it's seems you don't cut the cheese in that department. It's a bit difficult to be that ugly, it's no wonder your bemused.

minikin

Desperate for a ride at a wedding?
Maybe try not living in the 1960's?

Oh, and men don't like women with balls (conditioned or not)

VladamirP

did I read here before that a shift is a kiss?, wasters

VladamirP

Get the horse off your face, it helps

VladamirP

And you paid for boards, registered user, haha you clown

andekwarhola

JimmysCar wrote: »

Didnt get the shift at a wedding

Somebody fcuked up the work roster?

HensVassal

Realt Dearg Sec wrote: »

If you can't get any action at a wedding, you may as well donate your tackle to science fiction, because you'll never need it, to be honest.

FYP

Your Face

JimmysCar wrote: »

Put on my best suit, had the closest shave ever, washed my balls (used some special pube conditioner), clipped my nails, put on my pointiest shoes, even praticed my best dance moves before. Didn't even get meself a heifer. Nothing. Gave it everything I had on the dancefloor. Sure I was the pick of the litter. No idea what I did wrong. Ended up in bed all alone in the hotel. What could have gone wrong?

You're from Mayo aren't you?

corner of hells

Was it the right " pube conditioner " ?
And did you let potential suitors know you were available ?

SEPT 23 1989

I believe women avoid the scent of desperation

SeaFields

kneemos wrote: »

The **** is pube conditioner ?

Copious spray of lynx down there?

kneemos

SeaFields wrote: »

Copious spray of lynx down there?

https://www.amazon.com/Wildfire-Silky-Pubes-Conditioner-Ounce/dp/B004KI709M#

Winterlong

Did you tell any girl you met that you had conditioned your pubes? Not sure that is the best chat up line ever - unless you were in a brothel.

FortuneChip

JimmysCar wrote: »

Put on my best suit, had the closest shave ever, washed my balls (used some special pube conditioner), clipped my nails, put on my pointiest shoes, even praticed my best dance moves before. Didn't even get meself a heifer. Nothing. Gave it everything I had on the dancefloor. Sure I was the pick of the litter. No idea what I did wrong. Ended up in bed all alone in the hotel. What could have gone wrong?

If she's not putting out on a wedding, you married the wrong person.

ThinkProgress

You did it all wrong OP. Always ask yourself in these situations, what would James Bond do? lol

You gotta stand in the corner, lookin a bit "dangerous"...

Every now and then, give your phone a glance. Go outside, perhaps even make a phone call or two...

You want to give people the general impression that you are important and this particular function is a bit of an inconvenience to you and your important life... A slight demeanour of boredom. (Of course it helps if you actually are important, then there's no need to fake it) :P

Catch the eye of someone you fancy. But then quickly look away... If you're lucky and not a total minger, they might find you intriguing and decide to investigate further.

Most of us need confirmation and reassurance that we are attractive to other people. By acting bored, slightly disinterested and only giving fleeting subtle glances, you are introducing ambiguity...

A person's naturally inquisitive mind will often compel them to clear up this ambiguity. (Even if they're not sure whether they like you, they still may subconsciously want the reassurance and ego boost of knowing they are attractive)

The longer you can keep that ambiguity going, the better chance you have. Of course it all hinges on whether you can successfully hide your desperation at close quarters...

If the pointy shoes tell me anything, it's that you are probably dressed a bit like a peacock... So from a visual standpoint, this advice might be fairly useless for you! :P

It's best to let the ladies do the fancy dressing... As a man, it's not wise to look like you're attempting to compete with them in that dept. (just my opinion)

OldGoat

Jimmy shufflesstruts across the dancefloor to a wimmins, dipping shoulders in time with the music, pointy shoes turned out so that they don't pierce her ankles as he gets closer.
"Hi there, I'm Jimmy."
"Hello! I'm Jane. Great fun here isn't it?"
"Sure is. Wanna stroke my super soft pubes?"

Jane turns her back and gives the prearranged sign to her bestfriend, the signal that means they should pretend to be a lesbian couple.

Jimmy, seeing that he has lost the opening gambit shufflesstruts across the dancefloor to another wimmins, dipping shoulders in time with the music, pointy shoes turned out so that they don't pierce her ankles as he gets closer.
"Hi there, I'm Jimmy."
"Hello! I'm Sue. Wonderful music isn't it?"
"Sure is. Wanna stroke my super soft pubes?"

...
...

osarusan

"Hi, want to dance?"

"Sure, I'd love to."

.
.
.

"Mmmm, you smell nice."

"Thanks. It's my pube conditioner."

JimmysCar

ThinkProgress wrote: »

You did it all wrong OP. Always ask yourself in these situations, what would James Bond do? lol

You gotta stand in the corner, lookin a bit "dangerous"...

Every now and then, give your phone a glance. Go outside, perhaps even make a phone call or two...

You want to give people the general impression that you are important and this particular function is a bit of an inconvenience to you and your important life... A slight demeanour of boredom. (Of course it helps if you actually are important, then there's no need to fake it) :P

Catch the eye of someone you fancy. But then quickly look away... If you're lucky and not a total minger, they might find you intriguing and decide to investigate further.

Most of us need confirmation and reassurance that we are attractive to other people. By acting bored, slightly disinterested and only giving fleeting subtle glances, you are introducing ambiguity...

A person's naturally inquisitive mind will often compel them to clear up this ambiguity. (Even if they're not sure whether they like you, they still may subconsciously want the reassurance and ego boost of knowing they are attractive)

The longer you can keep that ambiguity going, the better chance you have. Of course it all hinges on whether you can successfully hide your desperation at close quarters...

If the pointy shoes tell me anything, it's that you are probably dressed a bit like a peacock... So from a visual standpoint, this advice might be fairly useless for you! :P

It's best to let the ladies do the fancy dressing... As a man, it's not wise to look like you're attempting to compete with them in that dept. (just my opinion)

I thought me auld animal magetism would be enough. I'm old fashioned and prefer the lovely ladies to make the first move. No point in going to all that effort to make meself look well and then have to put in all the ground work to get meself a lovely lady. Me pre-wedding-grooming ritual shoudlve been enough.

super_furry

Smell of want off ya!

Jimbob1977

You need to ask the bride and groom for a rebate on your gift.

Here's how a €100 gift breaks down:

Plate cost: €40

Gift: €5

Shift: €55


I propose you send them an invoice for €55 under the 'Sale of Goods and Supply of Services Act 1981'

There's no much point in wearing the best suit, the pointiest shoes, and whatever else, if you're an ugly c*nt regardless.

A skunk in a suit is still a skunk.

JimmysCar

I even told me best joke about the couple in the nursing home. Whats wrong with all the phillys these days?

ablelocks

JimmysCar wrote: »

Whats wrong with all the phillys these days?

there's your problem right there - you've been trying to shift baseball players.

you're lucky they didn't think you said lube conditioner and shake their big, shiny bat at you!

Arthur.beaker

super_furry wrote: »

Smell of want off ya!

More like the smell of benji I'd say.

ThinkProgress

JimmysCar wrote: »

I thought me auld animal magetism would be enough. I'm old fashioned and prefer the lovely ladies to make the first move. No point in going to all that effort to make meself look well and then have to put in all the ground work to get meself a lovely lady. Me pre-wedding-grooming ritual shoudlve been enough.

Ha, effort... you're right sure enough. Sure what would ya be doin putting effort in? :pac:

Work away! :cool:

Liam McPoyle

JimmysCar wrote: »

Put on my best suit, had the closest shave ever, washed my balls (used some special pube conditioner), clipped my nails, put on my pointiest shoes, even praticed my best dance moves before. Didn't even get meself a heifer. Nothing. Gave it everything I had on the dancefloor. Sure I was the pick of the litter. No idea what I did wrong. Ended up in bed all alone in the hotel. What could have gone wrong?

You must be hideous looking.

Summer wind

What you should've done was request a love song such as Mr Loverman by the great Shabba Ranks. Then sit about 3 seats away from a lovely lady at the bar. Once you've identified what she's drinking get the barman to send her over a fresh drink. Then when she looks over at you lick your lips slowly and sexily. You won't need to say anything because your hot fit bod will do all that and more. Then just wait for the magic to happen. The fact that you got jiggy at a wedding will add that extra sparkle.

jester77

Did you approach any women while there? From the tone of your post, it sounds like it was the type of setup where the women were on one side of the room and the men were on the other. Did no one make a break for it and venture across?

gifted

ThinkProgress wrote: »

You did it all wrong OP. Always ask yourself in these situations, what would James Bond do? lol

You gotta stand in the corner, lookin a bit "dangerous"...

Every now and then, give your phone a glance. Go outside, perhaps even make a phone call or two...

You want to give people the general impression that you are important and this particular function is a bit of an inconvenience to you and your important life... A slight demeanour of boredom. (Of course it helps if you actually are important, then there's no need to fake it) :P

Catch the eye of someone you fancy. But then quickly look away... If you're lucky and not a total minger, they might find you intriguing and decide to investigate further.

Most of us need confirmation and reassurance that we are attractive to other people. By acting bored, slightly disinterested and only giving fleeting subtle glances, you are introducing ambiguity...

A person's naturally inquisitive mind will often compel them to clear up this ambiguity. (Even if they're not sure whether they like you, they still may subconsciously want the reassurance and ego boost of knowing they are attractive)

The longer you can keep that ambiguity going, the better chance you have. Of course it all hinges on whether you can successfully hide your desperation at close quarters...

If the pointy shoes tell me anything, it's that you are probably dressed a bit like a peacock... So from a visual standpoint, this advice might be fairly useless for you! :P

It's best to let the ladies do the fancy dressing... As a man, it's not wise to look like you're attempting to compete with them in that dept. (just my opinion)

Jaysus this is lovely reading...even I want to meet you...and I've three kids plus herself lol lol

JOBSOXO

At least you have a sense of humour. ( I hope) Not like all the Turds dishing abuse at you.

Call Me Jimmy

Deleted User wrote: »

There's no much point in wearing the best suit, the pointiest shoes, and whatever else, if you're an ugly c*nt regardless.

A skunk in a suit is still a skunk.

What is a skunk after a rinse of pube conditioner though? Surely a god?

Day Lewin

Pointy shoes? Smell of conditioner?

Sorry, OP: you are hitting the wrong note. Sounds like some sort of gigolo get-up and the ladies may have thought they'd have to pay for your services.

Try looking like the sturdy, self-reliant type: Broad rough hands, plain shoes, friendly smile. Say "ma'am" and "sir".

Try it, and report back. Watching with interest.

Realt Dearg Sec

There are a worrying number of people on this thread who don't seem to realise he's joking...

JimmysCar

ThinkProgress wrote: »

You did it all wrong OP. Always ask yourself in these situations, what would James Bond do? lol

You gotta stand in the corner, lookin a bit "dangerous"...

Every now and then, give your phone a glance. Go outside, perhaps even make a phone call or two...

You want to give people the general impression that you are important and this particular function is a bit of an inconvenience to you and your important life... A slight demeanour of boredom. (Of course it helps if you actually are important, then there's no need to fake it) :P

Catch the eye of someone you fancy. But then quickly look away... If you're lucky and not a total minger, they might find you intriguing and decide to investigate further.

Most of us need confirmation and reassurance that we are attractive to other people. By acting bored, slightly disinterested and only giving fleeting subtle glances, you are introducing ambiguity...

A person's naturally inquisitive mind will often compel them to clear up this ambiguity. (Even if they're not sure whether they like you, they still may subconsciously want the reassurance and ego boost of knowing they are attractive)

The longer you can keep that ambiguity going, the better chance you have. Of course it all hinges on whether you can successfully hide your desperation at close quarters...

If the pointy shoes tell me anything, it's that you are probably dressed a bit like a peacock... So from a visual standpoint, this advice might be fairly useless for you! :P

It's best to let the ladies do the fancy dressing... As a man, it's not wise to look like you're attempting to compete with them in that dept. (just my opinion)

Fancy a spin in jimmy's car??!?! Will leave the pointy shoes in the boot (i live in me car)

Fuzzytrooper

ThinkProgress wrote: »

You did it all wrong OP. Always ask yourself in these situations, what would James Bond do? lol

That advice will get you nowhere. I always live by the rule, if I don't know what to do I ask myself what would Robocop do in this situation? Your move creep!

SeaFields

kneemos wrote: »

https://www.amazon.com/Wildfire-Silky-Pubes-Conditioner-Ounce/dp/B004KI709M#

I stand corrected!!

Kamili

Urgh, were you that guy pretending he's James bond, drunk as hell, leering at every girl that dares walk near the dance floor like a piece of meat..

There's always one at a wedding, every girl in the place sees him and says to her friends to avoid.

suicide_circus

http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/rejects.gif

Fluffy Cat 88

JimmysCar wrote: »

Didn't even get meself a heifer. Nothing. Gave it everything I had on the dancefloor. Sure I was the pick of the litter. No idea what I did wrong. Ended up in bed all alone in the hotel. What could have gone wrong?

Shoulda went to the mart op. :P