How to move on, leave the past behind.

piglet74

Long timer lurker, first time poster.

Hoping I can get some practical tips, self help advice etc.

Long ( embarrassing!) story, but here goes.

Almost 18 months ago I split up with my husband, he was in my life 20 years at that point, and I'm now at a stage where I have known him longer than I haven't, I'm 42.

We split because he basically was a serial cheat.

In the time we were together he had a number of affairs including two children behind my back, by two different women, and a two year affair, I say affair, it was more like a double life. He had told the other woman he was single, at the time his work took him all over the country and all over the UK, so he has the perfect excuse to be away for a few weeks at a time.

When I discovered this affair, it ended immediately, he was ashamed of himself, wanted it to end, wanted to be with me, etc etc.

He left the job he was in, come home, we tried to work it out, went to counselling, he come clean about his other affairs, and we stayed together for the next 20 months or so.

In that time I found him increasingly irritating, I couldn't bear being near him, I didn't believe a word that come out of his mouth, etc. So I asked him to leave.

In the 18 months that followed, I have experienced such a range of emotions, highs and lows, a complete rollercoaster. While I don't want to be with him, dont nor never will trust him again, I miss the craic with him etc, but that is it. I dont miss him as a husband. He proclaims that he loves me, always will, is full of regret etc.

I am ready to move on, ie date again. Although I don't want to meet a long term, exclusive, full time partner. I would like to meet someone else for the social and physical aspects of life.

I tried PoF but found it a mine field of men who wanted to meet up immediately for a one night stand, so I deleted that,

I dont want to go out looking a man, and would prefer to just meet someone at random, for fate to bring us together. Although I am wise enough to know this might never happen and if I want it enough I might have to go out looking. I do go to the gym , but I would prefer not to meet someone there, or to join any sort of club, just in the hope of meeting someone,

I am happy alone, I have a job that keeps me very busy also, and I rarely get lonely.

Myself and my ex husband have remained civil \ friendly. Although I do find at times when my mind wonders that i get really cross with him for doing what he did. The sheer level of betrayal, eg pretending to be working out of the country when he was living with this other woman, driving past my house to get to hers, etc.

I feel like it was all such a waste. Not one of the other women who he cheated with down the years has ever come looking for him to whisk them away. After all the woman he's been with, cheated on me with, he declares that it is me he wants, for me its just too late. I was totally devoted to him for years, and as far as I am concerned, it was then he should have been declaring his undying love, instead of denying my existence.

All that said, I still haven't made the final step and got with anyone else. My friends are telling me, to get over one man, you have to get under another.

I'm not sure I even know how to totally move on, I do try and keep busy, but at times my mind does wonder back to him. While i know I am a million times better off without him, some days I have to try really hard not to contact him.

How do you leave the past behind? Is a fling a good idea? Should I go looking or let mother nature take its course? Has anyone been in a similar situation and if so, how do you leave such a big part of your life behind?

racso1975

It would seem from your op that you don't have any children with him? If this is the case then why are you keeping in contact with him. You know the type of man he is. A serial cheat and lier. You dont need that in your life. Delete or block his number and same on social media.

Dont just allow work be what keeps you busy. Find a new hobby or do a course in something you always wanted to do. Its also a fantastic way to meet people.

Are you a one night stand type person? Some people love them. They get what they need and want from it and move along. For others they are not that easy to do or deal with.

As for the meeting someone piece. You could let fate decide and see what happens or you could be proactive about it. I'd go with the last one as I believe in making your own luck.

Best of luck and its great to see after being involved with such a knob head that you haven't let him destroy your confidence or make you bitter.

CdeC

If you lost your job you wouldn't let fate bring you a new one?

Get out and meet people. Join things etc. Use POF but just ignore the one nighters.

Best of luck OP. You deserve honesty and love.

piglet74

We have one child, although she just turned 18, so isn't a reason to stay in touch anymore, but I have been civil for her sake.

I'm at the gym, go walking etc, and have been on a lot of nights out over the 18 months, and a few weekends away with family too.

I'm not bitter by nature, although I do get annoyed when people who know what he did, chat away to him like nothing happened. ( I just mentioned the bones of what he did, the depths his deceptions went too are shocking, he was actually engaged to the woman he was leading the double life with, ach the list is endless) i suppose in a way, I don't want people to like him, when I really shouldn't care. I dont have fb, and I dont have him on any other social media outlets.

I dont think I fancy a one night stand, but I would not have been adverse to a summer fling etc. I haven't been with anyone else since I was 19, now I'm 42, I'm not sure I will know where to start!

Thanks for all the advice

Augme

piglet74 wrote: »

We have one child, although she just turned 18, so isn't a reason to stay in touch anymore, but I have been civil for her sake.

I'm at the gym, go walking etc, and have been on a lot of nights out over the 18 months, and a few weekends away with family too.

I'm not bitter by nature, although I do get annoyed when people who know what he did, chat away to him like nothing happened. ( I just mentioned the bones of what he did, the depths his deceptions went too are shocking, he was actually engaged to the woman he was leading the double life with, ach the list is endless) i suppose in a way, I don't want people to like him, when I really shouldn't care. I dont have fb, and I dont have him on any other social media outlets.

I dont think I fancy a one night stand, but I would not have been adverse to a summer fling etc. I haven't been with anyone else since I was 19, now I'm 42, I'm not sure I will know where to start!

Thanks for all the advice

The crotch area can be a good place to start and end! Is it possible that the fear of doing all this again is what's holding you back? Facing your fear is always difficult for people and often people makes excuses as to why not to do it. From reading your OP that's the impression I got. The whole idea of wanting to meet someone but then not willing to do anything proactive in an attempt to do that just strikes me as odd. The analogy about the job was an a very good one by CdeC.

piglet74

I think its more because I am not desperate to meet anyone. I'm happy with my own company. I will never marry again, and I will never live with anyone again. I'm not looking anything long term or full time. I would be happy with seeing someone just maybe once a week \ fortnight.
I think as I'm writing what i want, it actually sounds like I would get that from an affair!

I'm hoping that I can leave this behind me, in the past. I know this man longer than I haven't known him, I just wish the memories of it all were less vivid.

Like I says, I just mentioned the bones of it all, the level of betrayal were off the scale, while I think a lot of people are capable of cheating, I think very few are capable of living double lives and all the other things he has done.

As I says, I'm not usually bitter, but I feel he has got off scot free, never lost any friends, has more money than before, etc etc. Although I am not seeking revenge, I just really hope its true what they say... What goes around, comes around.

Typup

Only you will know what is right for you. You need time to heal, learn how to trust yourself and others again before jumping into anything, even something casual. It's still pretty raw I would imagine. Enjoy yourself with friends and family.

meeeeh

Op I'm not sure you are ready to trust anyone for some sort of a relationship and you don't want an one night stand. So giving it a bit of time for you to start trusting people again might not be a bad thing.

Also you were with someone for the last 20 years. There were some enormous changes in how people interact in that time. Sometimes those who are constantly dating can't adjust to them, never mind those of us who were/are in the relationship for the last decade or two. I can't advise you, I even think in funny reversal of roles, your daughter's generation has more useful experience to pass on to you but don't give up on online dating just jet.

Aa for your husband, I suspect some serious charm and ability to manipulate people is required to live double life to such an extent. He probably has a way with people that will always enable him to have plesant conversations even with those who despise him. I don't know if he will ever get his comeuppance but be proud of yourself. You walked away from seriously manipulative person. Not everyone is able to do that. So give yourself some credit and keep him out of your life as much as possible.

piglet74

This might sound odd, but I don't want to trust anyone again, by that I mean I dont want to be in a relationship that develops to that level, or that's based on trust,

Again, that does sound like I want an affair, but what I mean is I don't want anything based on trust, honestly, loyalty and love etc. I dont ever want to Marry or cohabitate again.

I would just like to meet someone for the social aspects really.

You are right though, it sounds like you know him, for a man that isn't overly intelligent or articulate, he can talk his way into and out of a lot of messy situations.

What he did was totally mind blowing, the counsellor we went to said it was the worse case she had ever come across in all her years, and while I was shocked that she expressed an opinion like that, I did take away a lot with that one sentence from her.

Colser

I totally get where you're coming from OP,being cheated on after such a long relationship is soul destroying.It leaves you absolutely wiped out and totally lost.I genuinely don't think that you ever get over it and your experience sounds really awful.

If I ever get together with someone again the first thing I will be telling him is that I believe he will cheat (BTW my friends think this is ridiculous) .I feel this will take away some of the hurt if it does happen because the deception is as hurtful as the physical cheating imo. Probably sounds warped but that's the aftermath of affairs,they totally change your outlook on everything.

I think you should just enjoy your life and if you meet someone just do whatever feels right for you,put yourself first and see how it goes , hopefully you'll meet someone that can make you happy again.

piglet74

Very true, I have learned to live with it, I no longer cry myself to sleep, etc but I will never get over it. I have said that when I die, if there's a post mortem, that my heart will actually be black, and twisted around other organs, and split in two.

How one person, could intentionally be so cruel to another is beyond me. While I am not unhappy alone, I would love to get the, " good morning and good night" texts, someone to ask, how was your day etc. I'm certainly not looking for Mr Right or for til death do us part.

Merkin

You 100% need a passionate, fun, enjoyable, toe-curling and orgasmic fling! You were treated horribly and you're self aware enough to know you're not ready for anything serious but I think a no strings/we have amazing chemistry/we both want the same thing fling is just what the doctor ordered to put a spring in your step and give you a well deserved boost.

Colser

A broken heart is a physical pain and I would never have believed that until I experienced it. Also the heart palpitations when you think you're actually having a heart attack and the crying that happens at the the worst times..I had to turn off the radio when driving because every fecking song set me off.

It's the lies OP that drive you crazy,even denying the undeniable.Whoever invents the pill to cure a broken heart will help a huge amount of people.

Stay strong OP and try to talk to someone about it even though it's hard to admit the full story to people...there has to be some good men out there so get in the queue after me ðŸ˜

piglet74

Merkin wrote: »

You 100% need a passionate, fun, enjoyable, toe-curling and orgasmic fling! You were treated horribly and you're self aware enough to know you're not ready for anything serious but I think a no strings/we have amazing chemistry/we both want the same thing fling is just what the doctor ordered to put a spring in your step and give you a well deserved boost.

Exactly! I couldn't have said it better myself!

piglet74

Colser wrote: »

A broken heart is a physical pain and I would never have believed that until I experienced it. Also the heart palpitations when you think you're actually having a heart attack and the crying that happens at the the worst times..I had to turn off the radio when driving because every fecking song set me off.

It was 6 months before I could have the radio on in the car! Manys a day I near broke my neck trying to get the TV off too, if a certain song etc come on.

Now the hurt has eased, and the tears have stopped, I'm ready for the next step. I'm ready for a bridge man as Coleen Nolan has referred to them, not a mr right, but a man who can bridge the gap from your old life, to your new life!

LegacyUser

Hey op - sorry to hear about all the hurt. I've been through a similar break up where my ex wife cheated on me and ended our marriage with 3 kids to be with another guy. So I have an idea of some of the level of hurt you've been through. It's horrible and something that just takes a long time to get over.

I was with this woman for about 18 years of my life so pretty much the only woman I've ever been with too really.

I think you should just dive into the dating world and go for it. I've been single for over a year now and just decided to throw caution to the wind and start meeting new people. I've met a few lovely women and had some amazing experiences I would have never had with my ex.

It takes a while to build up the courage to start dating. I found the whole experience bizarre to be honest after spending my whole life with one woman. But it gets easier - you become more confident, you'll enjoy meeting someone new and having that amazing first kiss at the end of the first date.

I know its so difficult to not focus on the hurt and the negative - but try and embrace the positives that you have going for you. You're a young woman with a long life ahead of you!

Stay positive - put yourself out there - have a one night stand - have a more serious relationship. Someone new will come along that will make you happy. Best of luck.

piglet74

So how, where did you meet these new people?

Online dating, a club or hobby? Thanks

inocybe

Colser wrote: »

A broken heart is a physical pain and I would never have believed that until I experienced it. Also the heart palpitations when you think you're actually having a heart attack and the crying that happens at the the worst times..

I wouldn't have believed it till now either, I'm going through something similar and am becoming quite unwell physically. I'm in my mid 40s and this is much much worse than similar stuff I went through in my 20s - I feel too old to cope with it.

piglet74

I am now well physically, thank god,

I am pretty much good mentally too, I dont cry anymore, or get upset, I don't miss him as a person \ husband, I miss the family unit which I am sure will be less of an issue now daughters over 18, working, driving, has a fella ( god help us all!)
I would just love a bit of a lift, a bit of excitement, a laugh and a joke etc. And while I get that from family and friends, I would just love a bit of physical contact too I suppose.

njs030

piglet74 wrote: »

So how, where did you meet these new people?

Online dating, a club or hobby? Thanks

Online dating is good as long as you can handle the inevitable rejection and not take it too seriously.

leggo

OP I can't really add much except that I admire your self-awareness and positive attitude. Despite the ordeal you've been through, you seem to be coping really, really well with it when you could've easily gone the opposite way. I've no doubt that you'll be more than able for what comes next whenever you're emotionally ready (which sounds like it's coming, bar some understandable trust and intimacy issues following on from this) and you'll thrive in the next stage of your life.

piglet74

leggo wrote: »

OP I can't really add much except that I admire your self-awareness and positive attitude. Despite the ordeal you've been through, you seem to be coping really, really well with it when you could've easily gone the opposite way. I've no doubt that you'll be more than able for what comes next whenever you're emotionally ready (which sounds like it's coming, bar some understandable trust and intimacy issues following on from this) and you'll thrive in the next stage of your life.

I just don't plan on getting in that deep with anyone else, I don't want to have another long term relationship, or remarry, its just not for me.

I would have liked a wee summer fling. But it didn't happen, but I'm not devastated at that.

Ach I'm good now, well a lot better,but in the early days, when he first came home, I actually put the kettle on one night with just one thing in mind,... Scalding him! But I just went to bed then and decided that he wasn't worth it! And I swear, I'm not a nut :-)

Irish_Elect_Eng

Merkin wrote: »

You 100% need a passionate, fun, enjoyable, toe-curling and orgasmic fling! You were treated horribly and you're self aware enough to know you're not ready for anything serious but I think a no strings/we have amazing chemistry/we both want the same thing fling is just what the doctor ordered to put a spring in your step and give you a well deserved boost.

Absolutely, the best way to dim unpleasant memories is to replace them with new fresh experiences.

LegacyUser

piglet74 wrote: »

So how, where did you meet these new people?

Online dating, a club or hobby? Thanks

For me almost all of the people I've met have been through POF or Tinder.
Find it much more tricky to meet someone out in a pub randomly.

Go for it!

SarahMollie

piglet74 wrote: »

I just don't plan on getting in that deep with anyone else, I don't want to have another long term relationship, or remarry, its just not for me.

I would have liked a wee summer fling. But it didn't happen, but I'm not devastated at that.

Ach I'm good now, well a lot better,but in the early days, when he first came home, I actually put the kettle on one night with just one thing in mind,... Scalding him! But I just went to bed then and decided that he wasn't worth it! And I swear, I'm not a nut :-)

Flings don't have to be limited to the summer months OP - don't hibernate just yet!

Magicmatilda

Can't believe nobody has mentioned meetup.com yet.

Its not an online dating site but rather a site that brings people together who share particular hobbies or interests. So for example you sign up and join a hiking group or a culture group. The group will meet up together and go hiking or attend the theatre. There are groups for everything from knitting to sea swimming. Lots of people attend alone, most people in fact. There is a mixed age group and plenty of recently separated people there.

Sounds to me OP, like you are missing fun from your life. This would be a way to possible create a whole new circle of friends and you may meet someone special, but that would not be the main aim.

piglet74

peterthrn wrote: »

For me almost all of the people I've met have been through POF or Tinder.
Find it much more tricky to meet someone out in a pub randomly.

Go for it!

Thanks, I found PoF useless, soul destroying in fact! Maybe I will try again.

Sleepy

I'm married myself so a while out of the dating game but looking at my single friends, the big change that the internet seems to have brought about is a fairly binary split in how people date nowadays: they're either looking for long-term relationships or carefree casual sex (and the invasion of Tinder by the former group seems to be causing untold heartache).

Your notion of a "summer fling" is a fairly romanticised one tbh. A summer fling happens when (usually young and carefree) people are away from their normal lives, in places where they have no worries about jobs, school, family or commitments and where their flight home is booked for a set date. You seem to want "a two week boyfriend", a relationship with a "return flight" date, rather than a one-night stand. I can't see that working out too well on a dating site unless you very explicitly state that this is what you're looking for (and even then, I'd be bracing yourself for the inevitable "ghosting" by guys who only wanted a one or two night thing).

It might sound odd, but I think you'd have more success with that approach on the friends with benefits / swinger sites than you would on the likes of PoF tbh. You'll need a fairly detailed profile ("ask me" won't cut it for your "about me") and you need to ask yourself if you're ready to deal with the potential for rejection any on-line dating will bring but let's face it, you're going to have to deal with that possibility in a pub or sports club too if you actually want to find such a short-term "relationship" with anyone. Waiting around for Prince Charming to sweep you off your feet for a fortnight or two is only likely to result in you getting lots of experience of waiting.

There's always another option of course. If you're looking for a summer fling, why not take a holiday? My mum works doing guided tours on cruise ships / trains / buses etc. and there's always loads of people holidaying alone on them. She used to go on a fair few herself before she ended up working on them and, if I'm honest, I've always suspected she had a few "flings" herself when she was on them! Depending on your personality and your relationship with your daughter (i.e. if she'd be grossed out by you meeting men whilst out in a bar with her), you could treat her to a couple of weeks in the Canaries or on the Costa Del Sol and head out to some of the bars to "see what happens".

piglet74

I was just using the term " summer fling" as a phrase, to emphasise more what I am not looking for.

I don't want a long term relationship, a serious relationship, a relationship based on trust, loyalty etc. It was meant more for comparison.

When I write down what I do want, it just sounds like an affair \ fling, I can see that.

I'm just back from holidays, it will be at least a year before I can go again, although I would not take my daughter with me if I was to go with the intention of looking for a holiday romance. But I am definitely considering going alone next year.

JustAThought

I can't believe the level of lues and deception - surely someone who knew you both must have known - How can they not have told you - how can he have been so calculating & deceptive? It must be so hard losing someone you love in such a cruel way.
No wonder you are looking for some joy and romance. i'm not sure where you'd find someone but something diverse and fun is certainly in order - a team sport or common goal club or sport - something like volunteering for a big diverse charity or event ( where are you based) or training for a run or event like toughmudders or a mixed run or a beginners triathalon club or a sea swimming club - all really outdoors & diverse & get your mind right out of the zone. Meetup is a great option too - literally something for everyone. Don't go joining a hillwalking group where its all females complaining about their men . For something totally different awesomewalks off the M50 do beginners classes - don't let your past limit you - you have a clear road ahead of you. I'm sorry he was such a lying s*** - don't let him take your future too - you have still lits of adventures and happy years of love ahead

oil painting

Hi OP!

Well done on facing all the strife that that entailed and coming out the other side. This is the beginning of the rest of your life and with your daughter being 18, it is an exciting time.

I had a similar experience a break up after 16 years, i had sex at 32 for the second time, its near 5 years since my break up and i found it a head ****! but i had to start somewhere and i did have lots of sex to open that side of myself up, but i didnt know what i was lookign for there was a confusion of wanting the security of a relatio ship but not wanting a repeat relationship either. I kissed about 4 bad frigs before i learned! Most were players and bad boys, but i was able to walk away when it got too much but i thought there would be more decent guys around, and im finding myself on red flag patrol now getting an understanding of getting my needs met and a full life without feeling the need for a relationship. I think because i had no kids i was thinking od get into another one im 38 but i have come to the conclusion that i ned to be happy alone for a long time and priortise myself and build my self worth, i then think someone will show up, but i really did fel like a 16 year old going out into the dating scene. I never used dating sites, i live really central and always met people out and about i find it much better for me that way.

piglet74

No one knew, no mutual friends,
He met this woman at work, over an hour away, and three counties away.

The sheer level of deceit was just off the scale!

I'm going to move out of this house at the end of the month, rent a smaller place, put my stamp on it, somewhere there's no bad memories, or there's no connection to what he did. ( he literally was driving past the end of the road while travelling Belfast \ Dublin, while pretending he was working in Scotland \ England \ Wales etc)

While meeting someone would be nice, I'm not desperate for it to happen, but I am determined to make changes for the better. And I really think moving home will be a positive step.

LegacyUser

Hi OP: Your story resonates so much with me, although my ex husband only fathered one other child over the course of our marriage. I completely know how you are feeling and know how hard it is to move on. To be fair I'm sure you're probably still in shock. I am on my own a good eight years now , and I didn't even date until he had been out of my life a year. I guess still every now and then I look at the people around me who knew what he was doing and I get paranoid, like, they didn't even tell me and everyone knew. In the end, I just wanted someone to hold me, someone to make me feel wanted, and I got in to bad habits/pof shag dates for want of a better phrase, but all because I had such little value of myself. I thought it was enough, I thought I could get under a man and everything would just be erased, but now I realise, that while at that stage I didn't want a proper relationship, now I actually do. (I must be over it all!) I'm coming on 41 and haven't had a man in that way in well over a year. I suddenly decided that I would hold out, to be with someone who deserves me, who deserves my time, and who will treat me with the dignity and respect that I need. Its easy to find a man to sleep with, just put on a dress and go down the town, but that's not for me....anymore.
I still want someone to hold me, someone who I can share myself with in that way, but now that I have such a higher regard for myself, I couldn't just share my energy with just anyone. Now I see myself as the prize, even if I get lonely at times.
It genuinely took me years to move on and leave the past behind, but it's different for everyone. The children used to laugh at me when they'd see me sitting on the floor with my back up against the dishwasher, I literally had to do that so I wouldn't collapse from the pain in my heart, I was completely destroyed. But, you know, it's been a few years now since I had to do it! I don't know if you can ever truly leave the past behind, because the lessons you learned are so raw, but it does get easier.
I wish all the best for you xxx

piglet74

True, I will learn to live with it, but it will shape a lot of my future for a long time to come,
Even moving house, I wouldn't have to if it wasn't for what he did.

But I have to try and move on, I'm on a road i never thought I would be on, but I have to start somewhere.