Shaken the ex has gotten in touch

Dial Hard

cheeseball15 wrote:

No hopes of reconciliation and time to move on.

Were you hoping for a reconciliation, OP? The fact that you answered the call (and, in fact hadn't blocked his number as soon as he got in touch) makes me think you were. And now you probably feel like you're back to square one in terms of getting over him.

It's only been 6 months, OP. You're going to have setbacks. The good news is that each one will set you back a little less than the previous one until one day you realise you don't want him back any more.

cheeseball15

cheeseball15 wrote: »

OP again...the story has an ending. He rang me late on Friday evening and against my better judgement I answered. He said he contacted me because our friend was getting married yesterday and he had heard through friends I wasn't going to the wedding....and he wanted to know if it was because of him. I said it wasn't (it was) and he said he was planning on going alone to the ceremony anyway. I said grand and that was it.

Heard through social media this morning he brought herself along!

Blocked his number and my mam confessed today she had met his mam out shopping a few weeks ago and had passed on my number!!!!! Stern words with mam this morning over it.

No hopes of reconciliation and time to move on.

What a tosser in all fairness. Talk about full of himself. None of his business why you didn't go. he is looking to relieve his guilt.....Tough shít mate, i hope this new bird is worth it.

If he was any sort of decent man he should have respected your space and privacy and left you alone. Your mum shouldn't have gave your number but don't be too hard on her she probably meant well.

I really do wish you well OP. You've been put through the ringer and back by this classless egotistical clown. I hope you meet a nice guy who will treat you with a bit of respect because you seem like a dignified nice lady....too good for the likes of chancers like your ex. Keep yourself busy and get out and meet new people. Enjoy life.

Dial Hard

Dial Hard wrote: »

Were you hoping for a reconciliation, OP? The fact that you answered the call (and, in fact hadn't blocked his number as soon as he got in touch) makes me think you were. And now you probably feel like you're back to square one in terms of getting over him.

It's only been 6 months, OP. You're going to have setbacks. The good news is that each one will set you back a little less than the previous one until one day you realise you don't want him back any more.

Whether sub-consciously or consciously, there is always a separation anxiety that comes with break ups so its natural for the heart to desire to return to the way things were. The biggest conflict with breakups is between the head and the heart. There is a constant debate which may wage months, hell even years depending on the nature of the break-up.

seenitall

Hi op,

Just to say, there are too many identifying details in your last post. Let's hope your ex doesn't read these threads! As we wouldn't want to put a spring into his step.

Good luck for the future, you're not the first this has happened to and you won't be the last. Onwards and upwards, as ever.

LegacyUser

OP, why would he get back in touch, then ring to tell you and say he isn't bringing his new partner and then bring his new partner to a wedding of a mutual friends? I'm sorry but seems to me there is a lot more to this story between you two. I don't care how a much of an a**hole someone was and is, you don't do what he has done.

wetmonday

wetmonday wrote: »

OP, why would he get back in touch, then ring to tell you and say he isn't bringing his new partner and then bring his new partner to a wedding of a mutual friends? I'm sorry but seems to me there is a lot more to this story between you two. I don't care how a much of an a**hole someone was and is, you don't do what he has done.

Does it really matter? Fact is, they broke up as he fell for another. He made his choice firmly. That means that he needs to respect his ex (the op) and leave her move on with her life.

The poor girl then has to go through the grieving process which she has done admirably and with great dignity by the sounds of it. All of a sudden he unnecessarily and selfishly gets back in contact for a relatively minor thing that's absolutely none of his concern which set her back (natural reaction really) .

He just waltzed back in as if nothing happened. Perhaps he does still have feelings for the op, and perhaps he doesnt....who knows. Either way i think he has made his bed and he may lie in it. The OP deserves better

Big Bag of Chips

Maybe he was trying to do the right thing! He finished with you 6 months ago, for someone else. It's safe to assume he cheated on you with her. Maybe he didn't. Then this wedding comes up, which I'm sure you were expected to go to together, and he is invited, with his new gf.

Maybe he didn't want to make things awkward by bringing her along if you were there too. Maybe she had said she wouldn't be comfortable going if you were there. I know I wouldn't!! So he put the feelers out. Checked if you were going. Even though you said it didn't bother you about the 2 of them you admit it did, so he was actually right to assume it'd be awkward! Then when you said you weren't going, he decided the coast was clear to bring the new gf.

He was an arsehole 6 months ago. He may still be an arsehole!! But he IS in a new relationship, you WERE all going to potentially be in a situation together, so he, awkwardly, was just checking the lay of the land. You can't all avoid each other forever, but it's only been 6 months and I think he WAS trying to avoid an awkward situation this time.

Big Bag of Chips

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Maybe he was trying to do the right thing! He finished with you 6 months ago, for someone else. It's safe to assume he cheated on you with her. Maybe he didn't. Then this wedding comes up, which I'm sure you were expected to go to together, and he is invited, with his new gf.

Maybe he didn't want to make things awkward by bringing her along if you were there too. Maybe she had said she wouldn't be comfortable going if you were there. I know I wouldn't!! So he put the feelers out. Checked if you were going. Even though you said it didn't bother you about the 2 of them you admit it did, so he was actually right to assume it'd be awkward! Then when you said you weren't going, he decided the coast was clear to bring the new gf.

He was an arsehole 6 months ago. He may still be an arsehole!! But he IS in a new relationship, you WERE all going to potentially be in a situation together, so he, awkwardly, was just checking the lay of the land. You can't all avoid each other forever, but it's only been 6 months and I think he WAS trying to avoid an awkward situation this time.

No he was aware she wasn't going to the wedding. He rang her to specifically find out if it was because of him. He could have found out from his mutual friend (the bride/groom) whether the OP was going by asking if the OP had RSVPd the invite....No need to ring her directly

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

No he was aware she wasn't going to the wedding. He rang her to specifically find out if it was because of him. He could have found out from his mutual friend (the bride/groom) whether the OP was going by asking if the OP had RSVPd the invite....No need to ring her directly

and that is why i said the OP story for me has too many holes in it. This excuse doesn't make sense. Anyway, the OP asked for advice here, everyone offered and she still answered. The story about her mother giving out her number? I don't believe it, i am sure her mother knew about the breakup.

tipp_Gunner, you seem to have a very vast interest in this post and you have offered advice several times and while continuing to bash the other posters reply's who don't fall in line with your own advice about the ex. and without knowing the full facts of their relationship. OP asked for advice and ignored it all and answered the phone. What did she expect him to say or to happnen?

wetmonday

wetmonday wrote: »

and that is why i said the OP story for me has too many holes in it. This excuse doesn't make sense. Anyway, the OP asked for advice here, everyone offered and she still answered. The story about her mother giving out her number? I don't believe it, i am sure her mother knew about the breakup.

tipp_Gunner, you seem to have a very vast interest in this post and you have offered advice several times and while continuing to bash the other posters reply's who don't fall in line with your own advice about the ex. and without knowing the full facts of their relationship. OP asked for advice and ignored it all and answered the phone. What did she expect him to say or to happnen?

ive made counter points. Im not bashing anyone. Im going on the facts that the OP gave to us. I mean she has told us pretty much everything from what i can see. Where exactly is the holes? Im sorry if ive offended anyone but from what i can see its a fairly cut and dry scenario.

The gist of the story goes something like this or the way i read it

• OP and her boyfriend break up as he is met someone else
• Not only that but he implies that he is over the moon having moved on and this is the bit that kinda pisses me off that he contacted her again out of the blue down the line
• OP understandably needs counselling after the shock of the breakup.
• Just as she is coming to terms with the breakup, her ex contacts her out of the blue leaving her shaken she had no idea how he got her number
• Yes she did answer the phone against conventional wisdom but the head and the heart are always in dispute in this situation. It has only been six months after all. The girl is human, she isnt made of stone
• On top of everything, the ops ex obtained her number without her knowledge.

I cant see any holes in the OP's story. She has explained pretty much everything. I have no personal interest in either party here so to speak but perhaps i'm speaking from a bad personal experience here myself and can relate to the OP
If you are finished with someone and its your decision to break off the relationship then you should stand by the decision and leave your ex alone. Enough carnage has been caused without opening more wounds. You are either giving false hope or causing more pain at that stage.

I suppose what i despair most at in this whole sorry mess and this isn't the only instance of it is that the world has become very dog-eat-dog and a selfish place to be in. Everyone wants instant gratification and if they don't get it your dispensed of like a dirty nappy. There is an awful lot of good people too don't get me wrong and there is plenty on boards in particular that seem to very very morally principled in terms of relationships from what i come across.

But at times it seems like no one has any value on a person anymore. I've seen countless marriages in my local area just disintegrate overnight. I suppose you never know what goes on behind closed doors but you'd have to despair for some of the carry on all the same. Surely two grown adults can work things out you'd think? Nope.

Big Bag of Chips

Contacting her about the wedding might have been a heads up for her/for him. He found out she wasn't going. I'm sure when they were together and mutual friends of theirs were getting married it was assumed both would be going (together).

I do believe when he heard she wasn't going he contacted her with 'not because of me, is it', to find out of she definitely wasn't going, and if it would be safe to bring his new gf. And he was right.. it WAS because of him!! He didn't need to contact her? Maybe he felt he did. Maybe he felt if he contacted her before the wedding, and they did all end up being there at least the ice was broken first.

It doesn't matter why he contacted her, or why he felt he had to. He has his reasons, and they are his, whether or not others agree with them.

You can't control him, his thoughts or his reasoning, OP. All you can control is your reaction to him. And by allowing him contact you (first thing you should have done was block his number, second thing you should have done was not answer the phone!) you have let him back into your head.

He moved on. He moved on a lot longer than 6 months ago. So for him your relationship is in the past and he thinks that by now it should be all grand between you. You're at this from a completely different side though. And you're not grand with it. 6 months isn't long to get over a 3 year relationship that you didn't see ending. You could be another 6 months or more before you stop caring.

Now is the time to block his number if you haven't already. There's no reason for you to be in contact although he might think there's no reason for you not to be in occasional contact now that everything is 'ok' between you.

Telluric

Here's the thing, you wouldn't actually be responding to tell him to leave you alone; you'd be responding and hoping that he'd respond with some amazing reply that would make up for everything and maybe even fix things. And when you didn't get that, you'd feel even worse.

But the past is the past and you're clearly in a much better place without him.

You have control over the situation right now. Hold on to that control and move on with your life.