She doesn't deserve to have it all after what she done

Makingpies87

I've a bit of a weird, on going issues that quite honestly is taking over my life.

When I was in school 15+ years ago I was bullied by this girl. She used to make fun of me and laugh at my appearance. Its had an impact on my life since as I wouldnt have very high self esteem because of it.

Anyway since we left school she has had everything come so easy to her. I recently bumped into her and while she was civil towards me i felt so angry. She has it all. Long term relationship, loads of friends, great job, she's got a perfect figure, looks perfect and everyone thinks she's fab, she's living away in Dubai working at her dream job which allows her to come home for three months in the summer, come home for a week in march, week in October and a month at Christmas (she's not a teacher by the way) while here I am I've a long term relationship also but I've none of the other things. I don't even know if I wanna work in my area. I'm so angry. She made my life hell for so long and now she has it all. She doesn't deserve it. People don't know what she's really like. I guess you could say I'm jealous but I'm more angry.

I know not all is how it seems but I think in this case it actually is. I feel resentful and angry and mad at the world.

Stheno

Makingpies87 wrote: »

I've a bit of a weird, on going issues that quite honestly is taking over my life.

When I was in school 15+ years ago I was bullied by this girl. She used to make fun of me and laugh at my appearance. Its had an impact on my life since as I wouldnt have very high self esteem because of it.

Anyway since we left school she has had everything come so easy to her. I recently bumped into her and while she was civil towards me i felt so angry. She has it all. Long term relationship, loads of friends, great job, she's got a perfect figure, looks perfect and everyone thinks she's fab, she's living away in Dubai working at her dream job which allows her to come home for three months in the summer, come home for a week in march, week in October and a month at Christmas (she's not a teacher by the way) while here I am I've a long term relationship also but I've none of the other things. I don't even know if I wanna work in my area. I'm so angry. She made my life hell for so long and now she has it all. She doesn't deserve it. People don't know what she's really like. I guess you could say I'm jealous but I'm more angry.

I know not all is how it seems but I think in this case it actually is. I feel resentful and angry and mad at the world.

In all serious you need to get some counselling and address your own issues imo

Makingpies87

Stheno wrote: »

In all serious you need to get some counselling and address your own issues imo

I know. I've tried it and it didn't help much and it made me feel ridiculous and petty.

looksee

If you allow yourself to continue to live in a state of simmering anger, she has won. Her bullying worked, her need to boost her own self esteem at your expense was successful. She doesn't know this of course. She has probably forgotten her schoolgirl cruelty. 'she was civil towards me' - would you not have said 'I was civil towards her'? You allowed her (in your mind) to control you again.

She is in Dubai, a world away. Leave her get on with it. You have a long term relationship - is it surviving in spite of your anger? Is she going to rob you of that? Let her become no more than a background niggle of irritation, rather than a source of anger. She will start to fade in importance as you concentrate on working on your relationship, deciding what you want to do about your job, get on with your life. Take YOUR life in both hands and take it where YOU (and your partner) want it to go. She is irrelevant in your life, don't waste your life being jealous of her, concentrate on your own life.

You may find it helpful to go for counselling to help sort these thoughts out, don't hesitate to do it, you have wasted too long on her.

kylith

Makingpies87 wrote: »

I've a bit of a weird, on going issues that quite honestly is taking over my life.

When I was in school 15+ years ago I was bullied by this girl. She used to make fun of me and laugh at my appearance. Its had an impact on my life since as I wouldnt have very high self esteem because of it.

Anyway since we left school she has had everything come so easy to her. I recently bumped into her and while she was civil towards me i felt so angry. She has it all. Long term relationship, loads of friends, great job, she's got a perfect figure, looks perfect and everyone thinks she's fab, she's living away in Dubai working at her dream job which allows her to come home for three months in the summer, come home for a week in march, week in October and a month at Christmas (she's not a teacher by the way) while here I am I've a long term relationship also but I've none of the other things. I don't even know if I wanna work in my area. I'm so angry. She made my life hell for so long and now she has it all. She doesn't deserve it. People don't know what she's really like. I guess you could say I'm jealous but I'm more angry.

I know not all is how it seems but I think in this case it actually is. I feel resentful and angry and mad at the world.

I understand where you're coming from, OP, I was bullied myself and know that some of the people who gave me hell in school are married with children, have high paying jobs, and everything I could want but don't have.

The thing is you don't know if she has it all. For all you know she argues with her partner constantly and he cheats on her, she hates her job, she hates where she lives, all her 'friends' are horrible, and she has an eating disorder. It's very possible that she looks at you and wishes she had your life.

Regardless, you need to get over this. It is petty. And if you let her take over your life like this then you may as well be back in school because letting her in your head like this means she wins.

freshpopcorn

Outside of what you read on the Internet. I find bullies nearly always end up happy and have good lives. What can their victims do? Well basically move on and have good lives of their own.
I'd suggest you try and get some counselling!

penovine

Makingpies87 wrote: »

I've a bit of a weird, on going issues that quite honestly is taking over my life.

When I was in school 15+ years ago I was bullied by this girl. She used to make fun of me and laugh at my appearance. Its had an impact on my life since as I wouldnt have very high self esteem because of it.

Anyway since we left school she has had everything come so easy to her. I recently bumped into her and while she was civil towards me i felt so angry. She has it all. Long term relationship, loads of friends, great job, she's got a perfect figure, looks perfect and everyone thinks she's fab, she's living away in Dubai working at her dream job which allows her to come home for three months in the summer, come home for a week in march, week in October and a month at Christmas (she's not a teacher by the way) while here I am I've a long term relationship also but I've none of the other things. I don't even know if I wanna work in my area. I'm so angry. She made my life hell for so long and now she has it all. She doesn't deserve it. People don't know what she's really like. I guess you could say I'm jealous but I'm more angry.

I know not all is how it seems but I think in this case it actually is. I feel resentful and angry and mad at the world.

Hi OP, you have my sympathy.. but yes you need to move on. The anger and jealousy will only damage you further. You really should continue with counselling - you need to learn tools to improve your self worth, deal with jealousy and anger and to realise you should not compare yourself to others. And there is no such thing as perfection. And bad things happen to good people and vica versa.. thats life unfortunately. But comparing yourself to her and others is toxic for you. Put that energy into changing things about your life that you are not happy with. She is not thinking about you - don't waste your time or energy thinking about you. You really should continue with counselling and work towards achieving a healthier thinking pattern. Be good to you!

Big Bag of Chips

It's an unfortunate fact of life that sometimes successful people are arseholes! Part of where she is today could be attributed to the fact that she has no problem promoting herself. She has no problem putting herself forward and letting people know that she's fantastic and that they would be much more successful if they had her with them.

In saying that, 15 years ago she was a school girl. There is a chance she has changed, and isn't that 'mean girl' any more. There's a chance that she regrets how she behaved towards you and is mortified to remember it. What is 100% guaranteed is you don't occupy as much of her thoughts as she does yours. That's true for when you were in school, and it's true for now. As already mentioned you are allowing her to control you, and she doesn't want to control you anymore. She has no interest in you. Same as you should have no interest in her. You're not friends. You don't have to see her. Or have anything to do with her.

Rather than work on getting over how she treated you, you need to work on being happy in yourself. If you're happy with your life and with your choices it's irrelevant what others are doing. Take this as the motivation you need to find a direction and go there. Others can do it, there's nothing stopping you from doing it too.

Edit: on the point of not knowing what is going on in someone's life, that's very true. I have a good friend who has a great job, successful husband, Facebook is full of pictures of various glitzy events and holidays in far flung, exotic, expensive locations, wearing a different designer dress in every photo, lives in Florida now, no kids and the jet set lifestyle. I'm 'living the dream', as a stay at home mother to 4 kids, in dreary damp Ireland. Recently she admitted to being desperately jealous of me. They've been married 10 years and I always assumed that the lifestyle they lead was the reason they didn't have kids. Until she told me they are undergoing fertility treatment. They've had years of failed attempts. They recently moved to Florida for her husband's job. But his job could have him all over the world. So he could be gone a week or more at a time, and she's home alone in a country where she has loads of "friends" but not many real friends. She hates it there. But if anyone else were to ask her she'd give the company line of it's fantastic, and the weather is fantastic, and the people are fantastic and her husband is doing fantastic.

No matter how fantastic someone else's lives look to us they always have their own personal struggles. Their struggles will be significantly different to your struggles... But they will still be their struggles! My friend would swap places with me in a heartbeat. She would give it all up to have just one child, never mind the 4 that I had without issue. (Our family planning was usually along the lines of - will we have a/another baby? Ok! 12 weeks taking Folic Acid, followed by positive pregnancy test within the month)

You can only look after yourself. Be thankful for what you have. And what you want, but don't have... Go after it.

Witchie

Again I want to reiterate some of what has been said above. I was bullied in school and know how that feels but even more so I understand your anger at someone else in relation to how they have a great life while you struggle.

I was married to a man who bullied and abused me. I kicked him out and struggled to raise my kids alone with very little (and by that I mean pretty much none) help from my ex. I struggled to have lasting relationships with men due to not wanting my kids to be hurt by someone leaving their lives again and also from not having the same confidence or belief in myself due to him eroding that with his abuse.

He went on and remarried and had more kids, something I very much wanted and it always looked like he got off scott free from responsibilities towards our family. It really really angered me.

Now, I see that he is tied down again with 3 more kids needing him, he suffers from depression and hasn't any money but more importantly he has lost the most important thing - a decent relationship with his sons. They are fantastic young men and he missed all that. I have arrived at the point in my life that my child rearing is done, my youngest has moved to college and I have nothing holding me back from following my dreams of travelling. Now I see I am the real winner here.

So basically what I am saying is that it may seem her life is perfect but I bet there are many issues that keep her awake at night and also things that she would love to change.

Do get some counselling, make the changes in your life that you want and try to be as happy as you can be coz there is only one bite at this cherry called life.

Good luck. x

anewme

best free advice I was ever given and its served me well

Bitterness only effects the bitter party.

Stheno

Again @ OP

While I would never have been a bully in school, I was academically gifted and from a fairly less well off family, so I worked from when I was sixteen in Dunnes to get a bit of cash.

I never really developed manners during that time.

Almost thirty years later, I'd be unrecognisable from that child, I value manners above almost everything and a few misconceptions I had then are now gone.

People change over time

zcorpian88

Been there myself, know a lot of people I went to school with who either bullied me or who were arseholes in general to other people in school including the teachers and deemed their disruption of classes "Having the craic".....idiots have no idea what craic even is.

In the 9 years since I left school, I haven't had a full time job, just some retail work and an internship, I have had one absolute disaster of a relationship which left me reeling for over a year.

In the last year I have met people from my class in school, some of them are in long term relationships, with children and one person in particular that I couldn't stand, he never bullied me because in reality I'd flatten him if he started on me, but this guy spent the majority of the 5 years in school doing next to f**k all work, gave a monumental amount of lip to teachers if they dared make him work in class, teachers punished him but not really enough in my eyes. The day he got his Leaving Cert results (he failed) he laughed and threw the results paper away and went home looking chuffed with himself.

Bumped into him in a bar while a sporting event was on, and I had the misfortune of him recognizing me, always thought he was just a massive waste of oxygen and space turned out he got a job in the same establishment and same job that I got turned down for a few months previously, he has an amazing looking girlfriend and has a kid now, where I studied hard, never put a foot out of place in school, even won a student of the year award from school, and that little c**t gets the job I was after? Angered me for a while. And there was more than him in my class that got similar opportunities but him getting that job really got my goat.

Unfortunately in this backwards life...and backwards country of ours, we award **** with good opportunities and anyone that is on some level decent doesn't get half as much as others.

What I do with most people that have been nasty to me or even others and made life difficult, I cut them out of my life, always feels good to snub them on the street like they don't exist. Better off without people like that.

antix80

Makingpies87 wrote: »

I know. I've tried it and it didn't help much and it made me feel ridiculous and petty.

Hi op. Try a different counsellor. Some counsellors just aren't good , or at least might not be good for you. They can explain why you are behaving in a certain way, tell you it's childish, and then tell you to move on... which is all well and good until you leave their office and the first time you're stressed you go back to the childish behaviour.

FWIW (and this is from the school of "explaining why you behave in a way but not how to fix it - I'm not a counsellor) but one of the best things I read is about the childish view of fairness. It's ingrained into us that injustices should be corrected. When this doesn't happen we end up having all sorts of imaginary arguments, ruminating about the past, hating the person, even having revenge fantasies. Once you go down that route, you're wasting energy. You already know this! Your therapist needs to help you fix it. There are different types of therapy and counselling so experiment. Perhaps view the sessions as 8 week blocks to identify and address specific issues.

silverharp

OP , one thing where you are probably wrong is the "not deserving it" . Looking objectively at her she probably does deserve it and there is no point hoping she fails or whatnot. the comparison game is a soul destroyer , find someway to just focus on your own goals

amtc

I can't get the anger. If it doesn't impinge on you don't let it. I'm not normally a fan of advice saying to just get over it but in this case I am!

antix80

amtc wrote: »

I can't get the anger. If it doesn't impinge on you don't let it. I'm not normally a fan of advice saying to just get over it but in this case I am!

how do you not let it in? how do you get over it?
There may be other issues here. Lack of self-confidence, an inferiority complex, too much time on her hands, depression, existential dread. It's anyone's guess. Either way, poor Molly from secondary school is getting the blame. "Get over it" won't cut it!

LegacyUser

MakingPies87. Maybe if I tell you my story it will help bring you some peace.

When I was a teenager I regret to say that I bullied a girl who was in my class. I didn't single her out as a target by myself but I was one of a small bunch of girls who picked on her. At the time I definitely didn't think we were bullying her but we were. I am ashamed and mortified at what we (I) did to her. I don't know why I chose to pick on the girl but it seemed to be great craic at the time. She was a little bit different and that was all we needed to torment her. She was really tall but incredibly clumsy. She was also more immature than the rest of us and was real easy to wind up.

At that age I didn't have any idea what effect bullying had on people or that I was doing something that scars some people for life. I can tell you hand on heart that my older self would never do something like this. I have done a 180° turn when it comes to bullying and I now pull other people up if I see something going on. I'm guilty about my past behaviour but I am also a lot more mature and sensitive than I was at 13 or 14. People change. Maybe this woman has changed.

Chocolate fiend

If it helps the girl who bullied me in school is still living in the crappy little town we went to school in, she is married to a guy that she would have laughed at when we were in school, and she is fat, like really fat. She never did anything amazing with her life, she never left the area apart from her two weeks in Lanza every summer.

I am not better than her, but, I am different, I got out.

Why don't you get out?

Makingpies87

Thanks everyone for the replies. I agree with what everyone says. I wish it was as easy to just get over it. But I will definitely check around for another therapist.

I really don't think she has any worries or issues in her life. She just has everything she wants. Don't get me wrong I've loads good too but things don't seem to work out as well or as easy for me like for her.

One other thing which I think adds to the hurt in a big way. A few years ago it was Christmas and we were all home for a few days and said bully passed me and my Boyf in a bar and she fired me a look my boyfriend said " xyz is some twat, I seen that look" I asked him how he knew her and it turned out he had been on one date with her years ago. Like when they were 16. It reinforced my anger I think about feeling like she had everything because she even had my Boyf first. I know it's petty. And he doesn't care about her, never spoke about her before or since in the 8 years were together but it enraged me, of all the girls....

I know comparing myself can only be lead to bad things but it can't be helped sometimes...

Ursus Horribilis

I don't know about you but I wouldn't like to live in Dubai for 9 months of the year. It all depends how you define success I suppose.

Regardless, I agree with the others. Please go for more therapy. I don't think that you're petty and childish at all. She damaged you at a vulnerable point in your life and perhaps has become a lightning rod for the things you're not happy with in your life. You need to get help to rid her from your head space and stop measuring your life by hers.

Big Bag of Chips

Makingpies87 wrote: »

A few years ago it was Christmas and we were all home for a few days and said bully passed me and my Boyf in a bar and she fired me a look my boyfriend said " xyz is some twat, I seen that look"

You think she has everybody fooled? No offense, but you're not special! You're not unique. You don't have some deep insight in to her that nobody else has. If she was a nasty person in school, she will have been nasty to more than just you. More than just you will have noticed it. If she still feels the need to be throwing dirty looks years later, you won't be the only person she does it to. She might "have everything" but she will also have a lot of people who think, as your bf does, that she's a twat!

Actually, my friend that I told you about, she's been my friend for over 30 years. She has what we call "notions" about herself!! And her successful husband is a nightmare to be in company with. Constantly talking about money, and his investments and how every woman wants him, and every man wants his wife etc. Even on his wedding day, in his speech, he managed to mention "the great lifestyle" they have!! I've known her all my life so I accept her for who she is. I don't have the same loyalty to him, so even though he's just the male version or her (although I think he's her magnified!) I can't stand him. And I don't think I hide it very well. Much as I try! They were recently home and my sister was talking to her mother. Her mother said while it's lovely to see her, she can only take her in small doses! They can't stand her husband and while they love seeing her come home, they love waving her off again when she's going. And that's from her own mother!!

I love her. She's my friend, but we meet up for catchups when she's home. I can see how 24/7 with her would get very tiring very quick! As I said, I love her, many of the people we know do like her, but everyone, without exception, thinks he's a knob!! And people who don't know her as well as we do, and don't have the life-long friendship to draw from, roll their eyes and smile politely when she appears home. Not everyone thinks they're as fantastic as they think they are!!

Don't be so sure that everyone thinks the bully is fantastic.

Pickpocket

I was stupid enough to pick on someone when I was in school. I was bullied myself and I guess I just handed it down the food chain to someone that was weaker and more vulnerable than myself

I don't have a dream life. Far from it. But I went from being a school drop-out with a drug problem to being highly-educated and working in a good firm. It all felt very natural to me. I simply copped on. However I'm from quite a poor area so that kinda thing is very unusual. Because of that I've become more respected and highly-thought of amongst a certain section of my community. Not Mr Perfect, but not the trouble-maker I used to be either. I've also managed to find myself in a long-term relationship with a very good looking woman from a very 'successful' family.

Anyway, I was back at a party one night and my former class-mate confronted me about the way I treated her. I had a very negative impact on her life and she was very angry at me and others for how she had been treated. She said she hated that people were complimentary of my efforts because nobody knew what I was really like. That I hadn't changed and that I was still the same as ever. Worse even, as people never knew I was a bully.

The first thing I done was apologise unreservedly for my behaviour and how it had impacted on her life. Then I spoke to her about my own experiences of being bullied, both at home and in school, and how that had damaged me. I told her about the counselling sessions I had attended in later life, the financial problems I had, how difficult things were in my relationship at that time, how anxious I was about becoming a parent because my own father messed up every step of the way and I'm terrified of turning into him.

Basically, I told her the truth. I'm struggling. In various different ways. But just trying my best to keep pushing forward and not get bogged down by the past. I asked her to try to view me as some sort of kindred spirit who recognises her problems. I also told her I quite fancied her when we were younger and she actually rejected me at a disco one night! And that actually had an effect on my self-esteem for a little while. She'd totally forgotten about that and we burst out laughing over the whole situation.

We bump into each other from time to time. We're never gonna be the best of friends but I'd like to think we recognise each other as being victims of the past. I saw her recently with a handsome fella and she looked much younger and happier. I'm not suggesting that's because of resolving her issues with me. I suspect (and hope) she's just addressed a lot of stuff and made peace with it.

Anyway, I'm not comparing my situation with the OPs, but you can't look at someone's life from the outside and decide it's perfect. That's not your call. Everyone has their problems. Happiness is contingent on a whole host of factors. Try to find your own happiness and let other people live theirs, despite how unfair it all seems.

One of the people that bullied me ended up being strung-out on heroin and living what looked to be a very difficult life. It made me very unhappy to see him like that because no doubt he had his own issues all those years ago. I saw him recently and he looked good. He was in working clothes as well so hopefully he's tipping away at something. I'm happy for him.

penovine

Makingpies87 wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the replies. I agree with what everyone says. I wish it was as easy to just get over it. But I will definitely check around for another therapist.

I really don't think she has any worries or issues in her life. She just has everything she wants. Don't get me wrong I've loads good too but things don't seem to work out as well or as easy for me like for her.

One other thing which I think adds to the hurt in a big way. A few years ago it was Christmas and we were all home for a few days and said bully passed me and my Boyf in a bar and she fired me a look my boyfriend said " xyz is some twat, I seen that look" I asked him how he knew her and it turned out he had been on one date with her years ago. Like when they were 16. It reinforced my anger I think about feeling like she had everything because she even had my Boyf first. I know it's petty. And he doesn't care about her, never spoke about her before or since in the 8 years were together but it enraged me, of all the girls....

I know comparing myself can only be lead to bad things but it can't be helped sometimes...

Hi OP, I read your post - and really - it does not matter what she has or has not got in her life. Do you think that the civilian victims of war did something to deserve the atrocities that they went through? You really have to forget about her and get on with your own life. The way that you are thinking is very toxic and no doubt its having a -ve effect on your life.
Do get some therapy.
I was bullied once and it lasted 3 years - it really traumatized me. But now when I meet her, I just think to myself "gosh I am glad that I am not so mean as to make anyone feel the way she made me feel".

Let her go... your are feeding her bulling by dwelling on it. And TBH its a little bit old at this stage.

Be good to you.

5rtytry56

Look, I'll put in my own spiel.

I recently met a past pupil of my fee paying secondary school a few years behind me. My Leaving Cert results were utter sh;t - I failed 2 out of 8 subjects.

Now, this past pupil spoke in the most sincere, respecting term of this other guy who is doing fantastic now. Living the life. Who bullied me. Who did'nt have to study that hard at all but got a brilliant Leaving Cert at the end of our year.

But life goes on for me....same as ever. I make the best though.

Push ahead OP.

woodchuck

1. You have no idea if she's actually happy. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors in peoples heads.
2. Even if she is happy, life is full of swings and roundabouts.
3. Points 1 and 2 don't actually matter!! Your own happiness should not be affected by how happy/unhappy somebody else is with their life.

As suggested, see another counselor to try and deal with your issues. This is not an attitude to go through life with and it be very toxic (to you and those around you) in the long run.

dudara

@HillsideHorse - I've deleted your post as it contributed no advice to the OP and not up to the standard expected in PI/RI. Please read the forum charter to familiarse yourself with what is acceptable before contributing again.

dudara

LynnGrace

Makingpies87 wrote: »

One other thing which I think adds to the hurt in a big way. A few years ago it was Christmas and we were all home for a few days and said bully passed me and my Boyf in a bar and she fired me a look my boyfriend said " xyz is some twat, I seen that look" I asked him how he knew her and it turned out he had been on one date with her years ago. Like when they were 16. It reinforced my anger I think about feeling like she had everything because she even had my Boyf first. I know it's petty. And he doesn't care about her, never spoke about her before or since in the 8 years were together but it enraged me, of all the girls....

I know comparing myself can only be lead to bad things but it can't be helped sometimes...

Just think about this - would someone who seemingly 'has it all' need to go around 'firing looks' at others? No, they wouldn't, because they would be completely content in their own lives.

And as has been said upthread, don't be at all sure that she has others fooled. That is how the bully works. They isolate the person they are bullying, and that person feels that even if they said something, nobody would believe them.

No, it's not easy to get over, I completely agree. She picked on you and bullied you at a vulnerable time in your life. Life is hard enough as a teenager, and all of the uncertainties that can bring, without that kind of crap on top of it.

I would definitely suggest attending counselling and bit by bit, you will get this creature out of your head. She doesn't deserve head space.

Take care of yourself.

penovine

LynnGrace wrote: »

Just think about this - would someone who seemingly 'has it all' need to go around 'firing looks' at others? No, they wouldn't, because they would be completely content in their own lives.

And as has been said upthread, don't be at all sure that she has others fooled. That is how the bully works. They isolate the person they are bullying, and that person feels that even if they said something, nobody would believe them.

No, it's not easy to get over, I completely agree. She picked on you and bullied you at a vulnerable time in your life. Life is hard enough as a teenager, and all of the uncertainties that can bring, without that kind of crap on top of it.

I would definitely suggest attending counselling and bit by bit, you will get this creature out of your head. She doesn't deserve head space.

Take care of yourself.

the above highlighted is totally true - some who feels the need to make others feel lower than themselves, as a need of their own.. so her life may not be all that rosey...

however that is not something for you to take pleasure in.. otherwise in turn, you are being just like her.. wanting to see others down.. this is not to be harsh on you - but being like that is not good for your soul or own well being..

You have to let her go.. and focus on yourself..

There are fantastic counsellors out there - you will find one you get on with,,, in the mean time.. take care of you

KikiDee

Hey OP,

I recently met a girl who bullied me in school. This girl pushed me out in front of a moving school bus when we were next to no age. And I was too scared to do anything. I thought throughout my school years, if ever there was a girl I hated, it was her. Like your bully, she's a girl who seems to have it all, great job, flash holidays, flash man (I swear it's like Michelangelo carved him!). But just because she was a horrible person in school, doesn't mean she doesn't deserve all she has. She's obviously worked hard to get to where she is.

Now, this is obviously a little different in that, I hold no feelings at all towards her, but you need to stop thinking this person is undeserving of their achievements because of how the treated you years ago. You need to stop thinking about this person full stop. The fact that you're holding onto this after all these years speaks volumes. You say you've tried talking it out and it didn't work. Can you try a different route? Perhaps with someone different? This deep seeded anger and somewhat bitterness isn't going to do you any good.

As previous posters have said, take care of you OP.

orthsquel

OP I can understand, having lived away from the place I grew up and returning and seeing people from school, especially a few that bullied me. I didn't like running into them or hearing about them from others and "how wonderful" they were doing in their lives, because it made me feel utterly inadequate as I wasn't where they were, nowhere even close.

Makingpies87 wrote: »

Anyway since we left school she has had everything come so easy to her. I recently bumped into her and while she was civil towards me i felt so angry. She has it all. Long term relationship, loads of friends, great job, she's got a perfect figure, looks perfect and everyone thinks she's fab, she's living away in Dubai working at her dream job which allows her to come home for three months in the summer, come home for a week in march, week in October and a month at Christmas (she's not a teacher by the way)

Makingpies87 wrote: »

I really don't think she has any worries or issues in her life. She just has everything she wants. Don't get me wrong I've loads good too but things don't seem to work out as well or as easy for me like for her.

How do you know all this OP? Is there someone telling you about them, or are you seeing that on their facebook? If someone is telling you about them (other friends, family) then ask them to stop updating you about them. Even if you are running into their parents or family of theirs and you're hearing this stuff, you don't have to be there to listen either. If you are looking at their facebook or other social media then you must, for your own sake, stop doing it. It will only make you miserable and more angry because you will be forcing yourself to compare your life to theirs, even if what you're hearing or seeing about their life isn't completely accurate. Even if it is you making assumptions or perceiving that she must be a success, or filling in the blanks of information you don't know for certain, then stop, as that is self-sabotage.

Makingpies87 wrote: »

People don't know what she's really like. I guess you could say I'm jealous but I'm more angry.

People probably do know what she is like, really like. Plenty of people I have met and known have been unpleasant people and while I have had to for my own sake, cut them out of my life, there are others who could tolerate them despite knowing them to be nasty/bitchy folk and then there are others who only see that the sun shines out of their backside! People will want to believe what that want to believe about others, and nothing others can say will ever change that. I get a feeling deep down you want to expose them to others for the bully that they are/were, however, do not do this as if you decide to be a "truth teller" about them to others, people aren't going to think that highly of you. The only part of truth telling you need to do is to yourself, in being honest with yourself how she treated you and how it made you feel, truly feel, (and this you can do in counselling) and work through it so it doesn't have a control over you.

Makingpies87 wrote: »

Its had an impact on my life since as I wouldnt have very high self esteem because of it.

Makingpies87 wrote: »

I know comparing myself can only be lead to bad things but it can't be helped sometimes...

Yes you can stop comparing yourself to others. You have complete control over that - you may just need to learn techniques to re-train your thinking into a more positive place when you find yourself comparing your life to hers.

You must see that you have a great opportunity here - to get yourself help and counselling and to resolve the past issues, reclaim your self esteem and confidence and heal yourself. Once you let go of all this baggage you can move on with your life, with new plans and a big future ahead, without all that hurt and anger about this person influencing you in any way.

Makingpies87 wrote: »

I asked him how he knew her and it turned out he had been on one date with her years ago. Like when they were 16. It reinforced my anger I think about feeling like she had everything because she even had my Boyf first. I know it's petty. And he doesn't care about her, never spoke about her before or since in the 8 years were together but it enraged me, of all the girls....

They had 1 date when they were 16. That's all. You have been in a relationship with him 8 years. Can you see who the winner is here? You. And he doesn't think that highly of her in the situation you outlined and otherwise feels indifferently about her. She never "had" him before you. It was 1 date which didn't lead to another, or a relationship. So she didn't really "have" anything with him at all. You, however, do.

Behind all the anger OP, I'm wondering if you are looking for some sort of apology from her, or some sort of acknowledgement from her that she bullied you. If you are, don't ever expect it, don't expect an apology or an acknowledgement from her about her behaviour... because it will never happen. In all the years if she has never shown remorse or apologised than she probably has given you little thought or ever even realised the impact of her behaviour on you at the time. An apology or recognition of what she did is not going to make the anger go away, only addressing the anger that you feel and dealing with it effectively with a professional will. You have control in your life, over your emotions and actions. You must hold yourself accountable for your emotional reaction even if it's her past and present behaviours that make you feel angry. You can learn responses to your emotions and can learn how to check in with yourself about your feelings and understand them and respond to them rather than react to them. A counsellor could maybe help you with this, and help you take control of your life, rather than letting this person have influence or control in your life.

sadie06

OP there are two possibilities here. Either she has changed, has worked hard for what she has achieved and so is undeserving of your continued bitterness about past events as she was so young and was still maturing....or

She's the exact same. which would mean that her happiness is only superficial as are most of her relationships/friendships, in which case your envy is unwarranted.

You need to let this go.

Ande1975

Can't really add more to the sound advice on this thread but I'll give you another annoying nugget and its true..... holding onto resentment is like you drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

As many posters have pointed out no one has the perfect life. I am curious though as to how do you know all this? Every person on the planet has something that they are struggling with. Everyone. Its not about her anymore though, its about you.

No offence but you are probably barely scratching her radar and when you are its a reminder to her of what a horrid person she was/is.
Focus on what's positive in your life and the worst thing any of us can do is compare ourselves to others.

Witchie

Something I used to help me deal with my bully was to realise that in order for her to be such a twisted evil b***h and to have to feel the need to make my life miserable, she must have some awful problems in her life. When I realised this I stopped hating her and actually felt sorry for her. By turning the hate to pity I was able to let it go.

Now don't get me wrong, when I see her from time to time I shake a little inside but I smile sweetly, say hello and breeze past as if I barely remember who she is.

Charizard

Makingpies87 wrote: »

I've a bit of a weird, on going issues that quite honestly is taking over my life.

When I was in school 15+ years ago I was bullied by this girl. She used to make fun of me and laugh at my appearance. Its had an impact on my life since as I wouldnt have very high self esteem because of it.

Anyway since we left school she has had everything come so easy to her. I recently bumped into her and while she was civil towards me i felt so angry. She has it all. Long term relationship, loads of friends, great job, she's got a perfect figure, looks perfect and everyone thinks she's fab, she's living away in Dubai working at her dream job which allows her to come home for three months in the summer, come home for a week in march, week in October and a month at Christmas (she's not a teacher by the way) while here I am I've a long term relationship also but I've none of the other things. I don't even know if I wanna work in my area. I'm so angry. She made my life hell for so long and now she has it all. She doesn't deserve it. People don't know what she's really like. I guess you could say I'm jealous but I'm more angry.

I know not all is how it seems but I think in this case it actually is. I feel resentful and angry and mad at the world.

I think you are letting others affect your life a little to much, its easy to get jealous of people the key is to look inwards and see what you could do to improve yourself

gline

I dont know why people take the stance of "she might not be happy deep down " etc and focusing on the "past bully"...... She also might be happier than you can even imagine and has everything she wants in life. Do we need to feel that it is all a false show? The fact is, good things do happen to "your definition of bad" people and bad things do happen to "good" people, the world we live in doesnt operate on the childhood view of, people who do "bad" things in life, the bad will catch up with them etc. "Bad" people can end up in great positions in life, they can change also. The definition of "good and bad" is extremly gray with no clear defined boundaries, so this woman may actually be a nice person. You dont know whats inside her.

But, apart from all that... it doesnt matter... you only have control over your life, no one elses, so your "job" is to have as happy a life as you can without comparing to anyone else. Maybe her life is amazing, maybe it isnt....its her life not yours. Whats your life like? Are there things you want to improve?

I agree with others about retrying counselling, I doubt this is the only area in life that is effected by these feelings of inferiority and it could do wonders for you, trying to release these negative feelings from your mind.

meeeeh

A lot of people are bullied, a lot of people are bullies but in most cases kids are able to get over it. And a lot of bullies grow up into very decent people. Two that bullied me a bit in primary school are now among my best friends. Op you are responsible for your own happiness and it does seem to me you are blaming a lot more on this bully than she is actually responsible for. She went on a date with your bf and instead of thinking that he chose you not her you are complaining that you got used goods. As said before there there is no universal justice that evens things out. All of us hurt someone in our life and we all got hurt. To learn how to get over it is one of most useful things we can master. Bitterness will bring unhappiness only to yourself and those that love you.

silverbolt

Staying bitter and angry is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

OP this was a long time ago. she is more than likely a different person now. It is you who has the issue now

Ursus Horribilis

meeeeh wrote: »

...OP you are responsible for your own happiness and it does seem to me you are blaming a lot more on this bully than she is actually responsible for.

This is so very true. I can understand why your self-esteem was damaged by her but there has to come a time where you draw a line under what happened. A time when you say enough is enough. A time when you decide to take ownership of your own life and ask yourself what do you need to do to help you succeed. It actually doesn't matter whether she's in a dream job out in Dubai or is stuck in a poorly paid one she hates. It's up to you to paddle your own canoe and make your own way through life as best you can. Perhaps it would help if you sat down and made a list of things you can do to change things. Be it therapy for your issues, additional training for your career path, changes you could make to your lifestyle. Better to put your energy into looking after you, not thinking about what someone else is thinking or doing.

bilbot79

You must accept yourself. There's always someone better. It's never fair. It doesn't matter. Accept.

cloudatlas

She may be happy now, who knows for sure, I bet all your information comes from facebook which is a load of horse **** at the best of times when it comes to the actual portrayal of how all our lives are going but you can put money on the fact that she wasn't happy when she was bullying you, nobody of healthy mind and spirit bullies someone else like that, there must have been something wrong and it may still be wrong.

What you should do is focus on yourself, what your goals are how you can change things you aren't happy with. She didn't 'have' your boyfriend, they went on one date years ago for goodness sake!

You beat her by saying 'feck you, you don't matter you never did, I matter and I'm going to do my best to be as happy as I can be now and feck this stupid cow'.

professore

Thankfully I don't care what others think of me, never had. If they are not putting money in your pocket then it doesn't matter at all what they are doing in their lives. It just makes you unhappy, and there are plenty of real reasons to be miserable.

Having said that I had a guy who tried to bully me (I punched him in self defence) in secondary school apologise to me via Facebook totally unprompted. And he was and still is a cool "hard man" type. Really didn't see that coming.

Makingpies87

Hi everyone.
So I've spent the last few days reading your replies and reflecting on how this has effected my life. What everyone says is completely right. I do need to get over these issues.
I've emailed around a couple of therapists and hopefully will find someone suitable soon.
I think a massive part of my problem is my self esteem where I am constantly comparing myself to others, her in particular. I am a massive worrier and guess I always feel like I go unnoticed a lot of the time by people where as she seems to have loads of friends etc and I don't feel like I have many friends at all. Everything I want in life she seems to get easily and it angers me because I feel I can't get these because of my low confidence because of her.
Again I don't want to waste any more of my time thinking of her, I just really don't see how therapy will atop me thinking about it but I'm going to try.

Dr Strange

Makingpies87 wrote: »

.. I just really don't see how therapy will atop me thinking about it but I'm going to try.

There are therapists who are really good at "unhooking" your thoughts from these issues and teaching you techniques how to prevent these hooks getting back into the topic that causes you problems. Don't give up! Good luck.

beks101

Glad you've decided to see a therapist OP. You can't see it now, but with a bit of time and space to air your feelings about this with a qualified professional, you'll be able to finally start processing the residual feelings from the bullying and begin to move on with your life.

Please don't be hard on yourself about this. The long-term affects of bullying can be truly awful and low self-esteem is a symptom I've seen in so many of my own wonderful, beautiful friends who suffered at the hands of bullies in their childhoods. The constant comparisons go hand in hand with your feelings about yourself and your life.

The thing is, you only ever see the game face of people you know on a surface level in life, and for most people this will be a smiling, happy, confident one. Life invariably throws sh1t at us all, some of us are just better at hiding it than others. And it hits us at different life stages.

And there's so much more to life than being popular. At 12, it's all you can think about. 20 years later, you realise the people worth pleasing in life are few and far between and you begin to live with less self-consciousness and more ease in your own skin. I think bullying can flip that script and keep you at 12 in some ways - it can keep playing the "nobody likes you"/"you're not worthy" thoughts in your head like a broken record to the point where that early need for validation never really leaves.

Personally, I don't have more than a handful of good friends and I'm not that shining light that attracts every eye when I walk into any room, but I wouldn't want to be any other way because I wouldn't be "me" if that was the case. The people that I love, love me back and I believe I can do whatever the hell I set my mind to and that's all that really matters at the end of the day. I think with counselling you'll have a chance to discover who you are and really respect and enjoy that, without the comparisons, and that will be a liberating thing for you.

KKkitty

I know where you're coming from but the past is the past. You can't let what happened years ago define you and your life now. So what if she has this and that. She may be in Dubai "living the life" but she's away from loved ones most of the year. That can't be easy on her sometimes. Whatever happened for your own sanity and peace of mind please let it go. No one has a perfect life every minute of every day. If something was to happen to you tomorrow or any time in the future change it but don't hold onto what can't be changed. Focus on your own life and relationship. Be grateful for what you have right now.

ShaShaBear

I was bullied for the better part of ten years throughout my primary and secondary education, most of the culprits were the same throughout this period. Never physical - all emotional. By the end of my first week in secondary school almost no-one would have anything to do with me because of the amount of trouble they had caused and by my final year, there was only one person, on occasion two, who would even speak to me. I used to pull sick days when I knew this person wouldn't be in school because sitting alone for an entire day was soul-destroying.

Out of the main band of bullies, one is married and owns her own home. Another is married with two little girls and a successful career in something she loves.
The biggest travelled the world with money she saved from a well-paying job and is now engaged to a lovely man.

However.
The first was subjected to horrid home conditions as her father left her mother for a woman he got pregnant twice without her knowing and there was a very bitter divorce.
The second had two very violent family members, one of which attempted to kill his own children and partner and then took his own life.
The last was constantly pressured into leading the same successful life as her older siblings and never met the grade.

There is absolutely no point in saying your bully doesn't deserve what she has and you absolutely can't make sweeping statements about her seemingly obvious contentment with her lot.
You are responsible for your own happiness.

backspacer

Let it go,I spent a good chunk of my adult life being pissed off about the bullies I put up with in school. Concentrate on your own life and how you can excel, and ignore them. You are at an age now where you don't have to interact or acknowledge these people anymore.

Live your life OP, don't get sucked back into a part of your past that you really need to leave behind.