A bit of advice needed

greeneyes29

Hi Ladies, I currently need some relationship advice. Bit of background first : in my relationship 10 years. Married 2 years. No kids.

My problem simply is my husband's addiction(or is it normal?) to porn.

I'm not a prude but I don't like porn. I don't like the secrecy involved either. He has always done it and promised many times to stop but lately it's every day and every single time I'm out of the house. I know because I check his phone history, but what annoys me most is he says he's going to shower and then is in the bathroom for about 20min (bringing his phone) before the shower goes on. Every single day.

He denies it but duh I'm not stupid. Even recently he dropped me and my mam to a shopping centre and we were only a few minutes.. When I opened the door of the car he nearly died and shielded the screen of his phone. He was obviously just browsing but still.

We don't have intimacy any more. And I can't even talk about it as he will deny deny deny.
I end up looking like a grumpy cow, as I get disappointed every time it happens. I'm fed up.

I don't know what to do. Should I ignore it? Anyone have similar issues?
Thanks xx

You're probably better off posting this here.

I will say that it's hard to take the moral high ground when you're checking his phone and keeping tabs on how he spends his bathroom time. If I felt I was having every move watched, I wouldn't feel much like intimacy either. It'll only push him away.

The only answer is to talk honestly and acceptingly. He obviously doesn't feel the way you do about porn, and his point of view is as valid as yours. Dictating and spying won't get you anywhere.

I'm not keen on porn either, but it's not up to me to tell another adult whether or not they can watch it.

Keane2baMused

It sounds like there are two issues here.

One being his excessive use of porn and two, your lack of accepting his right to privacy.

I suggest you sit down and have a frank and open discussion with him and explain that this is having an effect on your life together. Suggest counselling as an option but be prepared he may get defensive.

sullivlo

Mod

Am moving this to relationship issues - you'll get better advice there.

PI charter now applies.

Merkin

Why are you and your husband no longer intimate? How long has this been the case?

DukeOfTheSharp

This kind of seems like a chicken-egg scenario, but at the end of the day OP, I think counselling might help you here. You're looking through his phone history and keeping tabs on him in the bathroom, which I have to say is a very concerning level of observation on your part. Sitting down and talking about this, without mediation, would be a mistake; there are clearly a number of issues concerning your attitude towards pornography - insofar as you say you're not a prude but you dislike it, a qualifier that gives off the opposite message than intended - and your husband's attitude to it, and need to look it up while in the car (could just be boredom, still ridiculous).

I genuinely think that you've got some issues with boundaries OP, and that your husband's issues are a separate entity that can be dealt with when you deal with yours. That's all I've got OP, this is a nightmare to read and smacks of something really toxic, where every action you take seems unhealthy and only seems to spur on the issues severity even further. Porn is normal to watch, this could be a matter of a very skewed perspective colouring your opinions and until those boundary issues get sorted, things will only get worse.

Yellow pack crisps

I'm a guy and i will admit i watch a small bit of porn occasionally but not a lot because of course it leads to my sex drive decreasing because I'm taking care of myself so to speak so i can understand that in a relationship it can be the downfall of a healthy sex life. Everything in moderation and all that is fine.

You both seem on the face of the small amount of information we have to be wary of each other. Sadly that is not the basis of a good and happy relationship. For a moment i would forget about the porn thing as probably that is a way for your OH to escape and what he is escaping is the real issue and problem. This is not to say its you per se but maybe your relationship and how he see's it and how he feels by being part of it or if he feels part of it.

Indeed you seem very exhausted by your relationship and you seem probaly like the mammy in it who has to constantly give out to get your partner to see who you are and what you want and that is really a complete breakdown of communication and intimacy and not just intimacy between the sheets but emotionally, physically and verbally.

A first step and a minor one at that if it was me would be to ask my partner for a walk somewhere quite and peaceful like a beech or a park and ask how they are and how they feel about you still and the relationship but all in a non confrontational way. Ask like a lover, like a partner and like a friend and go from there. Sometimes people forget the love they feel for someone and really sometimes its back to basics that get us all the answers.

LegacyUser

Why are you not intimate? Do you just not want it with him? And the porn habit is certainly not going to do anything for reigniting your attraction to him. The fundamental issue is your relationship. It is not working. You hate porn (and you are very entitled to your view on it, some love it some hate it) and he is completely disregarding how it makes you feel by constantly going behind your back and lying, which is another fundamental problem. And you have no intimacy. They are two major things that are contributing to the relationship pretty being a facade right now.

You need to go back to basics. Yes counselling wil help. He has to realise every time he is dishonest it hurts you so much. You have to realise that he likes porn and probably will not change this. If he won't give it up for you, and to be honest it doesn't look like it, you need to decide whether to stay with him. It does sound like an addiction, and although addiction is a strong word and some people are quick to get defensive about using that word, the fact is he probably is so immersed in it and it's so automatic for him he would find it very difficult to step back and stop and think actually this is an addiction that I'm using to escape and ignore the big issues.

You need to address the lack of intimacy. The relationship absolutely cannot progress in any way until the underlying issues are resolved. Counselling, where there is a mediator, will really help this, so both of you really listen to each other.

Conor Bourke

someoldusername wrote: »

Why are you not intimate? Do you just not want it with him? And the porn habit is certainly not going to do anything for reigniting your attraction to him. The fundamental issue is your relationship. It is not working. You hate porn (and you are very entitled to your view on it, some love it some hate it) and he is completely disregarding how it makes you feel by constantly going behind your back and lying, which is another fundamental problem. And you have no intimacy. They are two major things that are contributing to the relationship pretty being a facade right now.

You need to go back to basics. Yes counselling wil help. He has to realise every time he is dishonest it hurts you so much. You have to realise that he likes porn and probably will not change this. If he won't give it up for you, and to be honest it doesn't look like it, you need to decide whether to stay with him. It does sound like an addiction, and although addiction is a strong word and some people are quick to get defensive about using that word, the fact is he probably is so immersed in it and it's so automatic for him he would find it very difficult to step back and stop and think actually this is an addiction that I'm using to escape and ignore the big issues.

You need to address the lack of intimacy. The relationship absolutely cannot progress in any way until the underlying issues are resolved. Counselling, where there is a mediator, will really help this, so both of you really listen to each other.

While everything you said is correct and good advice, you've failed to address the fact that the OP has no respect for her husbands privacy. Was that an error of omission or do you think that the OP is justified in behaving as she has?

Others have pointed it out and I agree with them. It is neither healthy not helpful to your relationship to monitor your partners phone usage, no matter what you feel is the justification.

Putting myself in your shoes, I would not like to be intimate with someone if I thought they preferred porn to me and was viewing it as frequently as you say your partner is. That said though, putting myself in your partners shoes, I wouldn't want to be intimate with someone who was trawling through my phone and monitoring my shower time.

You've only been married for two years. How did it come to this. What was your sex life in the 8 years before you got married?

LegacyUser

Yes I omitted she shouldn't be snooping. No healthy relationship involves that obviously. I said the whole relationship is the problem. The details are kind of irrelevant. There is deception all around. There is no place for deception in a good relationship. He lies, she gets suspicious, snoops and her worries are proved, she confronts him, he denies and the cycle continues. It happens when both are not facing up to the real issues here. Why does he lie so much and why is he happy to carry on with this farce? Does he think he can live with just him and porn the rest of his life? It's ridiculous and sad. The issue is their failing relationship that has no intimacy, openness or truth. Counselling is needed.

greeneyes29

Thanks for all the replies. I know I'm invading his privacy , but I can't seem to just ignore it.

We're not intimate because of the tension this causes, if he stopped I would be happier and feel wanted.

I agree it's just a case of going round in circles. Not sure what to do or when it's going to stop but I really appreciate all your thoughts,

If you feel you can't change his behaviour, then work on changing yours.

Stop snooping and tell him you won't be prying anymore. Reach a compromise, tell him you don't mind the porn, just the amount of it and the knock on effect on your sex life. Tell him if you were more intimate, he might not need the porn as much and you might feel more needed by him. Don't just dictate to him, lots of people don't react well to ultimatums. Don't accuse, discuss. Don't blame, share responsibility. Don't start conversations with 'You always...', start them with 'I feel...'

There's lots you can do, but you have to meet him in the middle here and not just demand he stops as it'll only make him defensive, and recognise that his isn't the only behaviour that's questionable.

DukeOfTheSharp

greeneyes29 wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. I know I'm invading his privacy , but I can't seem to just ignore it.

We're not intimate because of the tension this causes, if he stopped I would be happier and feel wanted.

I agree it's just a case of going round in circles. Not sure what to do or when it's going to stop but I really appreciate all your thoughts,

I kind of guessed this would be the situation. Is a vicious cycle: you don't like what he's doing (and honestly, by the sounds of it this is down to your own issues with your self-esteem, which you tie directly to your husbands porn watching) then you make a huge deal out of it. Following that, you begin watching him like a hawk, so for all you know, he's been doing what he usually does all the time, only now you take more notice. After that, the intimacy stops, and he watches even more to compensate.

Really OP, the issue is that you really have fouled up the situation here, and you seem to want to blame it on him by saying 'if he stopped, I would be happier and feel more wanted' and that's not healthy, because you've made all of this about you, without thinking how your actions seem contextually. You're drawing a line in the sand, you're totally unwilling to compromise by the sounds of it, and really, you seem unwilling to take on board the fact that you're the primary issue here. You've taken this to the extreme of checking his phone history, his phone history for god's sake.
Here are the important questions: why do you feel your self-esteem is tied so directly to your husband watching porn? Why do you feel the need to break any and all boundaries and steamroll trust over something like this? Could there be a correlation over his increase in porn viewing and your issues over this? And is their causation there? Why are you unwilling to compromise? Why are you expectations so strangely specific and high?
Counselling is your best bet OP, and I mean one-to-one; don't drag your husband into this, because he isn't the main concern.

LegacyUser

I would hazard a guess that the main issue the OP has is the lying. She said it herself it's the secrecy. There's nothing worse. For them to get past this it would take him to be completely unflinchingly upfront and honest and say yea I watch it, I can't stop, and yes I've been watching it more lately, and to be honest I don't know how to or want to cut back because it gives me a release and form of escapism instead of dealing with this s**t between us. Fact is right now that is not going to happen. But I'll bet she would be relieved, because then they could progress because they're dealing with the truth of what is going on. It's the constant lying to her face over the matter that hurts like nothing else. Why is he denying and lying so much? A dynamic of complete dishonesty has been created and that is what is stopping the OP and her OH from being intimate. It doesn't really matter the lie, secrecy and lies kill closeness, intimacy and trust.

I bet the people here defending the husband would admit that even the smallest bare faced lie from their OH can be hurtful and damaging.

The op is definitely focusing her unhappiness with the entire relationship on this aspect. Her happiness and self esteem is pretty much balanced on whether her OH is doing this or not it seems. The unhealthy cycle of him lying about it and that making her feel bad will not end til they both get some counselling.

greeneyes29

How is my expectations so strangely specific and high?

Conor Bourke

greeneyes29 wrote: »

How is my expectations so strangely specific and high?

What do you mean?

greeneyes29

Cornelius Crow wrote: »

What do you mean?

Sorry that was meant to be a direct reply to Duke of the sharp

greeneyes29

Sorry that was meant to be a direct reply to Duke of the sharp

Conor Bourke

greeneyes29 wrote: »

Sorry that was meant to be a direct reply to Duke of the sharp

Regardless of who it was in reply to, I still don't understand your question. From your tone I'm sensing that you feel that you are blameless in what has happened and aren't happy to hear any suggestions to the contrary.

I'd still be interested to know how you got here after only two years of marriage and what your intimacy and sex life was like in the years preceding.

greeneyes29

Cornelius Crow wrote: »

Regardless of who it was in reply to, I still don't understand your question. From your tone I'm sensing that you feel that you are blameless in what has happened and aren't happy to hear any suggestions to the contrary.

I'd still be interested to know how you got here after only two years of marriage and what your intimacy and sex life was like in the years preceding.

No that's not the case at all, Duke had said that to me so I was asking why they thought that. I totally don't think I'm blameless at all. And yes I posted here to get advice, good or bad. Please read dukes comment in full.

Conor Bourke

greeneyes29 wrote: »

No that's not the case at all, Duke had said that to me so I was asking why they thought that. I totally don't think I'm blameless at all. And yes I posted here to get advice, good or bad. Please read dukes comment in full.

I have read it and agree wholeheartedly with everything he said. I'm not trying to pick on you or criticise you but the tone of your replies is somewhat defensive.

In order for us to advise you we probably need a little bit more understanding of the complexity of your situation but you don't seem willing to share this.

DukeOfTheSharp

greeneyes29 wrote: »

How is my expectations so strangely specific and high?

You've literally said you don't like porn and want him to stop so you can feel wanted again...and that kind of expectation is both strangely specific - as opposed to maybe figuring out other ways of making yourself feel wanted - and and high as it sets a singular, unfair and impossible to reach goal that your husband either submits to, or lives a hellish existence of you watching him, crossing boundaries and effectively spying on him. There's no room in your perspective for compromise, because getting what you want...that's not compromise. You've made such a balls of the situation that you don't have sex anymore, all over pornography, something that literally every human being watches because their sex-drives may differ from their partners, they may be into something that their partner isn't, and so on. Case in point: just because someone watches a gang-bang doesn't mean they want to take part in it, they just like the fantasy, but we can like the fantasy without wanting to do it in reality. Anal seems like a great idea until you look at the preparation required. But porn isn't real. Your marriage is real, and your husband being treated like this over your self-esteem being tied to something that isn't, with no reasonable explanation or compromise, is going to ruin it.

LegacyUser

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

You've literally said you don't like porn and want him to stop so you can feel wanted again...and that kind of expectation is both strangely specific - as opposed to maybe figuring out other ways of making yourself feel wanted - and and high as it sets a singular, unfair and impossible to reach goal that your husband either submits to, or lives a hellish existence of you watching him, crossing boundaries and effectively spying on him. There's no room in your perspective for compromise, because getting what you want...that's not compromise. You've made such a balls of the situation that you don't have sex anymore, all over pornography, something that literally every human being watches because their sex-drives may differ from their partners, they may be into something that their partner isn't, and so on. Case in point: just because someone watches a gang-bang doesn't mean they want to take part in it, they just like the fantasy, but we can like the fantasy without wanting to do it in reality. Anal seems like a great idea until you look at the preparation required. But porn isn't real. Your marriage is real, and your husband being treated like this over your self-esteem being tied to something that isn't, with no reasonable explanation or compromise, is going to ruin it.

Sorry but you're wrong. Every human being does not watch pornography?! A lot of people choose never to watch because of the negative effects it has on sex drive, views on sex, how your partner consciously or subconsciously doesn't measure up after viewing it, etc, these are all proven side effects. These outway the short term gratification it provides for many. You're practically made feel alien or there's something wrong with you or prudish if you choose to steer clear of it nowadays, because the people who do don't want to feel like there's something wrong with them for indulging. I would rather stick to real life intimacy and my imagination, not drooling behind a screen, in front of such fakery.

I don't think the OP is out of line wanting her husband not to watch. But she can't stop him, he is an adult. What they need to work on is their openness. If he is to continue watching it, which is his choice, then he needs to be honest and stand by it instead of sneaking around pretending not to! And when he's honest she can then decide what to do, whether to ask him to cut back and concentrate more on her, and if he can't do that or the only other thing would be to leave! Many a relationship has broken down over porn use, it's one of the leading causes of it according to relationship therapists, and that's a rather worrying and stark reminder that is not harmless in reality..

greeneyes29

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

You've literally said you don't like porn and want him to stop so you can feel wanted again...and that kind of expectation is both strangely specific - as opposed to maybe figuring out other ways of making yourself feel wanted - and and high as it sets a singular, unfair and impossible to reach goal that your husband either submits to, or lives a hellish existence of you watching him, crossing boundaries and effectively spying on him. There's no room in your perspective for compromise, because getting what you want...that's not compromise. You've made such a balls of the situation that you don't have sex anymore, all over pornography, something that literally every human being watches because their sex-drives may differ from their partners, they may be into something that their partner isn't, and so on. Case in point: just because someone watches a gang-bang doesn't mean they want to take part in it, they just like the fantasy, but we can like the fantasy without wanting to do it in reality. Anal seems like a great idea until you look at the preparation required. But porn isn't real. Your marriage is real, and your husband being treated like this over your self-esteem being tied to something that isn't, with no reasonable explanation or compromise, is going to ruin it.

Thanks for your input. I agree I've made a balls of it. I'll try to work it out

DukeOfTheSharp

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

You've literally said you don't like porn and want him to stop so you can feel wanted again...and that kind of expectation is both strangely specific - as opposed to maybe figuring out other ways of making yourself feel wanted - and and high as it sets a singular, unfair and impossible to reach goal that your husband either submits to, or lives a hellish existence of you watching him, crossing boundaries and effectively spying on him. There's no room in your perspective for compromise, because getting what you want...that's not compromise. You've made such a balls of the situation that you don't have sex anymore, all over pornography, something that literally every human being watches because their sex-drives may differ from their partners, they may be into something that their partner isn't, and so on. Case in point: just because someone watches a gang-bang doesn't mean they want to take part in it, they just like the fantasy, but we can like the fantasy without wanting to do it in reality. Anal seems like a great idea until you look at the preparation required. But porn isn't real. Your marriage is real, and your husband being treated like this over your self-esteem being tied to something that isn't, with no reasonable explanation or compromise, is going to ruin it.

You've some decent points there but you're being a little harsh and judgemental to the OP. Firstly, whether or not anyone agrees with her, she has a right to her feelings. Feelings don't have to be rational or considered, actions do. She knows she has to stop snooping.

Secondly, every couple on earth wants their partner to want them, it's not indicative of low self esteem that she expects her husband to fix, we have no idea how dependent on her husband her esteem is, so that presumption is unfair.

She knows she has to compromise, and it's okay for her to find that hard if watching porn is something she's completely opposed to. Incidentally, not every person watches it. I'm not interested in porn myself. The difference between the OP and myself is that I don't see it's use as a reflection on me, or on a relationship, and while I prefer a partner to be discrete and to modify their use, I don't expect them to stop just to please me.

Lastly, you're holding her responsible for all these issues. She has behaved badly in response to a situation she's not coping with, but she's not alone in the blame game. Her husband is being secretive, he's using porn to the extent that there's no sex, he's not trying to compromise with her, either.

The blame for situations is very rarely one sided. She can only take a new approach, modify her expectations, and ask her husband to explore the possibility of modifying his expectations too, so that she feels wanted and not threatened by his use of porn.

Pointing the finger and saying she's made a balls of it completely ignores the fact that there are two people in this equation.

Keane2baMused

Have to agree with Candie.

It goes in swings and roundabouts. There are two people at fault here, laying blame is not productive nor will it change the root causes.

DukeOfTheSharp

Candie wrote: »

You've some decent points there but you're being a little harsh and judgemental to the OP. Firstly, whether or not anyone agrees with her, she has a right to her feelings. Feelings don't have to be rational or considered, actions do. She knows she has to stop snooping.

Secondly, every couple on earth wants their partner to want them, it's not indicative of low self esteem that she expects her husband to fix, we have no idea how dependent on her husband her esteem is, so that presumption is unfair.

She knows she has to compromise, and it's okay for her to find that hard if watching porn is something she's completely opposed to. Incidentally, not every person watches it. I'm not interested in porn myself.

Lastly, you're holding her responsible for all these issues. She has behaved badly in response to a situation she's not coping with, but she's not alone in the blame game. Her husband is being secretive, he's using porn to the extent that there's no sex, he's not trying to compromise with her, either.

The blame for situations is very rarely one sided. She can only take a new approach, modify her expectations, and ask her husband to explore the possibility of modifying his expectations too, so that she feels wanted and not threatened by his use of porn.

Pointing the finger and saying she's made a balls of it completely ignores the fact that there are two people in this equation.

I edited your response down to bare-bones for rebuttal, so here goes:

1) Feelings don't have to be rational, actions do? Good, I'm glad we agree. The OP hasn't just snooped, she's actively timed her husband while he was in the bathroom. That's not snooping, that's monitoring.

2) It's not unfair, wanting to be wanted is fine, but if that begins infringing on someone else's privacy, then we're dealing with a different and more complex kettle of fish.

3) The OP has not mentioned methods of compromise at all, preferring instead to tell us she wants him to stop outright. That's not compromise. Struggling or not, the fact that the OP hadn't budged through multiple messages is worrying, and as another poster noted, the tone was defensive.

4) Here's the thing about that: the husband's secret porn watching? Porn is personal. I don't watch porn with a crowd of people around me, I don't think anyone does, and the idea that this is being kept a 'secret' when the husband's every move is being watched makes me think that this could be a normal situation that the OP is only noticing now. Contextually, given her actions, the secrecy could have been due to the fact that her actions which lacked compromise forced the husband to act in a more secretive fashion, as to not upset his wife, who refuses to compromise. It's a roundabout situation, not ideal, but as I've said, the primary issue needs to be dealt with before they both deal with the porn (which I mentioned was ridiculous, to be watching it in a car is a bit stupid, but if it that event falls after the sex died off, then it's understandable contextually).

5) I feel like what you're saying is, to a degree, what I'm getting at. But I think that sharing the blame in this case is damaging to both parties overall; the OP needs to deal with her self-esteem, you say she feels 'threatened' by her husband's porn watching, but that's not good for either of them. I'm not trying to be an arsehole to the OP, but I genuinely believe that, as the OP revealed more and more info, that it became clear that there are two issues here, but one is causing the other to get out of control. If the OP gets counselling, she'll be able to get outsider perspective from professionals, and that might give her options on how to deal with this situation. But as of right now, she has, in fact, made a balls of the situation, making it worse in every conceivable way by acting without compromise in mind. The issue has become more about how far the OP will go to 'catch' her husband out, and if she can get a grip on that, then the two can sit down and talk out this thing. But think about it like this: when was the last time anyone, ever, fixed an issue by adding tension to it? By breaking trust and crossing lines and watching their partners' every move? Objectively speaking, that's the biggest issue, the situation has gotten out of control, the OP's feelings on the matter have devolved into boundaries being broken and trust going out the window, and how can you compromise when someone goes to those lengths? Has the husband broken her trust by crossing boundaries? Has he had an affair? Or is his porn watching simply due to him having a higher sex drive and so instead of pestering his wife for sex, he takes care of himself, as many people do? There's too much to unravel here and we can only work with what we see, we know the actions of the OP, we vaguely know of her husband's actions - which are tinted by her attitude - so what can we, as observers, do but work with what we're given?

DukeOfTheSharp

greeneyes29 wrote: »

Thanks for your input. I agree I've made a balls of it. I'll try to work it out

Look OP, this is a tough situation, and as harsh as I'm being, it's only because I've seen things like this happen before. Whatever the primary trigger for this, it has gotten to the point where that's been buried under boundaries being crossed and trust being forgotten. The important thing is that you get a professional outsider perspective (relationship counselling can come later, right now you need to take a breather and vent to someone who can give you the feedback you need). This sort of thing can happen, it's not the worst thing that can happen but there's a lot going on here and I think that it's not necessarily all about the porn. Now, I do think that your husband has made some very poor decisions, as I've said, watching porn in a car, in what is effectively a public space, is ridiculous at the best of times, so that's an extreme that needs to be talked about.

But neither one of you can begin to fix this until compromise becomes a reality, not just a vague option, and right now that has become more difficult to get to. You don't have to like porn, that's fine, but just like you don't have to like it, your husband can't force you to watch it, nor can you force him to stop. In that, once you've figured out how to deal with the trust issues, then you might be able to get him to dial back drastically, or at least keep it to when you're not around. I'd like to believe that your husband loves you, and that this is just a case of different sex drives and poorly conceived intentions, because the road to hell is paved with them. Mistakes were made, but now is the time where you begin working on yourself, because trust me, once you've got a picture of why you are/not ok with this, you'll be able to figure out how to compromise.

LegacyUser

I just wanted to row in on this, its a hugely emotive topic in relationships.

Alot of people are rowing in here on the OP infringing on her husbands privacy. Just dialling back a bit, it was probably a huge shock to the OP that he uses porn in the first place and to that extent. She didn't know how to handle it raising the questions, cant I give you enough? Do you not want me? Am I not attractive enough for you? Why do you need this? Are you more attracted to this than me? After asking him to stop he kept watching it more.

Over time this may have worn her self confidence down and instead of openly discussing it he started hiding his behaviour to prevent further arguments. It spiralled to where the OP invaded his privacy and began monitoring his behaviour. Please don't beat the OP with a stick, porn is for some people a difficult thing to come to terms with, yes she didn't handle it properly but neither did he.

Its become a modern phenomena whereby you hear the 'sure there nothing wrong with it, everyone watches it'. I find that attitude extremely sad, its become a modern issue with implications in real life for both men and women. Porn has affected their relationship (on both sides!) and if they cant discuss it openly and address this issue with honesty it will cause their relationship to deteriorate further.

OP:
– Have an open and frank discussion if you can without getting upset.
– You may have to realise he will continue to watch it but if boundaries can be set it might more manageable. This will hurt but you will need to work on your own self esteem to realise men do view porn differently to women. Boundaries ie. when I'm not there, clear your phone history etc. Your boundaries are to stop monitoring/timing.
– Also some people may disagree but look up porn for women. If he can do it, then you can too. It may be distasteful but I wonder could it empower you a little?
– The two of you are responsible for making this relationship work.
– Ye both might need counselling just to work this out.

greeneyes29

I've told him we need to talk and explained how crappy & insecure I am feeling & that we should try to work things out and that i would prefer to get closer to him again and maybe spice things up in the bedroom department if that would help.
I didn't lay any blame on him , just suggested that we need to sort things out.

I sent it in a msg, yes very chicken of me and prob will get criticised for that, but talking will not work. I know that from years of experience.

Also i wasnt getting defensive when i asked about my standards being strangely high, I was simply curious.
If i was going to get defensive i wouldn't have posted on this.

Im not exactly a stalker sitting outside the bathroom with a timer in hand, i simply know when he goes to the bathroom , with his phone in hand,that thats what is happening . And to clarify my thoughts, i check the phone. yes i know i shouldnt but i do.
If this wasnt an every day occurance I wouldnt mind as much, I came to terms with pornography a long time ago, its the frequency and impact it has right now that is the problem. x

Colser

You are right to get this sorted OP before things become worse and beyond repair.You're still avoiding the questions regarding when this escalated..were you aware of it before you married him?Is everything else in the relationship OK(social life etc.)?Do you trust him apart from the porn issue?

Magicmatilda

Is it really the standard for men in relationships to be looking and porn every time their partner is out of the house, because to me that sounds excessive.

It is of course possible that the OPs partner is actually addicted to porn.

How is he with the idea of stopping, even for a short period? Would that impact on him? Would he be tetchy or anxious. I think that looking at how someone is without a behaviour or substance - be it porn, gambling, cocaine or alcohol gives a good insight into their relationship with it. How does it affect your relationship? I think that given the issues it is causing could he try not try and cut back, surely that is what you would do for someone you love, unless of course you are an addict?

As for checking his phone, of course it is a breach of privacy but I think some posters are getting overly hung up on that to be honest. Surely her checking his phone does not cause him to watch this much porn? It might make him angry or annoyed but OP has not said that is the case.

OP you have initiated a conversation which is good. Try and find out the extent of the engagement with porn and the reasons why. then you can work from there.

greeneyes29

Colser wrote: »

You are right to get this sorted OP before things become worse and beyond repair.You're still avoiding the questions regarding when this escalated..were you aware of it before you married him?Is everything else in the relationship OK(social life etc.)?Do you trust him apart from the porn issue?

Yes i trust him in all other areas. This seems to be the only issue we have (but in saying that its causing other issues). I knew he liked porn , yes, but it gradually increased over time.

He has replied to my message, he didnt deny it and after many exchanges said he wants to be intimate more often and more spontaneous,I agreed, i told him i don't mind him watching porn but not to the excess that he currently does.

We had a few msgs back and forth and it went well. Its going to take some work and patience on both parts. I know its not going to be 'perfect' but its a start.

Thanks to all for your posts , Its not something thats easy to talk about and all comments whether negative or positive has helped with this!! xx

greeneyes29

greeneyes29 wrote: »

Yes i trust him in all other areas. This seems to be the only issue we have (but in saying that its causing other issues). I knew he liked porn , yes, but it gradually increased over time.

He has replied to my message, he didnt deny it and after many exchanges said he wants to be intimate more often and more spontaneous,I agreed, i told him i don't mind him watching porn but not to the excess that he currently does.

We had a few msgs back and forth and it went well. Its going to take some work and patience on both parts. I know its not going to be 'perfect' but its a start.

Thanks to all for your posts , Its not something thats easy to talk about and all comments whether negative or positive has helped with this!! xx

That's a great start and try keep up the 'no blame, moving forward' attitude.

Best of luck with everything and I hope you both come out of it happier and closer.

greeneyes29

Thank you x