Did I Overreact?

LegacyUser

My other half has a lot of personal issues. I have stood by him through them all. He tells me he loves me but at times he treats me really badly.

He claims to be really busy with work and I understand that but this week every every second word from him was "I'm busy" He did not answer the phone to me and then would text "what do you want" not exactly very loving towards your long term girlfriend. To make things clear I do not text or ring very often so i am not being a pest plus he has plenty of time to be active on social media.

Things came to a head when I knew he had a day off & I rang but got no answer. He text me back saying what & then said he was busy meeting a female friend. Needless to say I was very upset as he has time to meet up or contact someone else but no time for me. I told him exactly how I felt which was very upset & then he said I was very posessesive and jealous. Now I do not believe for one minute thst he is cheating and I tried to tell him how hurt I am that he was too busy to even answer the phone to me. He then made a joke of it.

Am I right to be so hurt? I have not spoke to him since & if i try i will be subject to passive aggreessive behaviour i.e he will ignore me. I am feeling so sad & hurt today. It could go weeks now before he will talk to me & he never ever takes any responsibilty for his behavior. I really love him but I feel like calling it a day as it seems I am being given crumbs of a relationship.

s4uv3

I don't think you over reacted at all, that's an appalling way to treat someone you love.

If you're thinking of ending it, just ask yourself if this is what you want the future to look like, and if this is the treatment you deserve from a partner...

Terrible stuff.
It sounds like he has no time for the person he's in a long term relationship with.
The meeting a femal friend is a dig at you IMO and he maybe looking for you to end it so he's not the blame.

You need to give him the ultimatum.

ahnow

Having personal issues doesn't give you the go ahead to treat someone badly, which he clearly is.

You've told this guy very clearly that his behaviour is upsetting you, he hasn't listened to you and has gone as far as to make out as if it is entirely your problem. He clearly has no respect for you.

If you have to go as far as asking someone for respect, then I think it's dead in the water. You should cut this guy loose and find someone lovely that will treat you right.

batmanrobin

I wouldn't even give him an ultimatum, I'd just call it quits.

His behaviour is piss poor. You've told him how it's making you feel. He responds by saying you're possessive and trying to make a joke out of it.

You've said he never accepts his part and may not speak to you for weeks?! Wtf? Unacceptable. Seriously, OP, that is unacceptable behaviour.

Like you said, you're getting crumbs from this guy. And I think you will continue to just get crumbs if you stay with him.

You're having to fight this guy for some basic respect... Not a good relationship. He's so bothered about having to treat his partner with consideration and respect, seems to be a chore for him. Why not point him in the direction of single life. You deserve better.

LegacyUser

I don't know how to go about getting away from him. I don't even know who i am lately. Why does he not just be upfront with me instead of all the passive aggressive stuff. If I try to tell him how I feel i will be ignored.

I had a feeling he was trying to wind me up mentioning other women. I feel so very hurt. He certainly won't answer the phone to me .I might add he is a middle aged man not a young guy who has no clue what he wants.

How do i get my point across to someone so passive aggressive?

LegacyUser

Looks like he is phasing you out, does not have the spine to tell you straight out that it's over. If I were you I would just break up, however hard it is, rather than being dumped eventually after being treated like this for many more months/ years even. I had the exact same issue with my long-term partner, and then after I eventually ended it, he accused me of having wasted that many of his years (wtf???)

Tigger99

I don't think you are overreacting. If anything you are under reacting. Like the others said you deserve better. A lot better.

cleopatra11

My boyfriend was treating me this way. I could have written your post. I would try to arrange a meet up and he would say, 'sure we only saw each other last Friday'. It could have been week since we had seen each other.
I finished it with him over txt. People gave out to me for doing it that way but sure how else could I if he would not meet me. Trust me, things are not going to improve. I have come to realise he did not want to be with me but was not man enough to break up with me. He forced me into it.
Like you i felt like I was getting crumbs. You deserve more. Finish it. I know its easy to say, but you deserve to feel happy. And he is making you feel crap and nobody should.

'Hugs'

Ursus Horribilis

I think you should call it a day and give yourself a chance to meet a man who will treat you with respect and let you have a proper relationship. From what I'm reading here, all that has been keeping this relationship going is your love for this guy and your determination to keep it going. I'm not seeing very much effort being put in from his side at all.

You've invested a lot in this and I'm not seeing what you're getting out of it. I've said it here before and I'll say it again. Being "busy" with work is one of the oldest excuses in the book. It's so ancient it's growing whiskers at this stage. And as you've observed yourself, he was so "busy" he couldn't find the time for you but still could faff around on social media and meet a friend.

What you should never forget is that if a man genuinely loves you, he'll make the time to talk to you or to see you. What really takes the biscuit here is that he's blatantly flaunting his "busyness" in your face. What's ringing alarm bells for me is that passive aggressive silent treatment. Which can go on for weeks! And you're putting up with this?

Saying you're possessive and jealous is a cheap shot. It's obvious from what you've written that you're far from it. You are far too passive for your own good though. Where are your standards? Why have you been prepared to put up with these "crumbs"? I'm also wondering are you one of those people who needs to be needed? Is that why you've invested so much in this relationship?

Bottom line here is that you should start showing respect for yourself and end this. Ask yourself this: if one of your friends told you that her boyfriend was treating her in the way this guy is you, what advice would you give her?

Big Bag of Chips

It could be weeks before he'll talk to you? I think he finished with you a while ago, he just forgot to tell you. I wouldn't go chasing him. Just take it your relationship is finished and move on. Don't call him. Don't text him. Don't tell him how upset or hurt you are. Don't go looking for answers. All the above will just give him the chance to ridicule and mock you.

Move on now.

He already has.

LegacyUser

Oh no-you have not over reacted.

Am about a week in hun to coming out of a situation like this.

He was always busy and we never saw each other.

In hind sight, he actually didnt want to be with me, again for his reasons. When I said I need to see you more-thats something I need, the reaction was that I was clingy etc. I feel he used that as ammo against me too (blame the "crazy" lady who just wanted to spend time with him.)

I wanted him to take responsibility for it ending, so I asked him was it something we could work on (knowing he wouldnt). And so, to me, he ended it (I really didnt want to/still had hope). But I left knowing I tried my hardest, and hes lost a wonderful person.

stargazer 68

Op you dont live together - thats the impression I get anyway. So its now time to pick up your dignity and walk away. Don't contact him to get 'closure' or whatever - just walk away. I know its easier said than done but the guy is an a** and you deserve better.

Sapphire

You wont get a basic modicum of respect from this guy, so why bother giving him any more head space than you have already. He's ghosting you. Block his number and move on, find someone who loves to spend time with you and vice versa.

Big Bag of Chips

I suspect because of his "personal problems" you feel like you can't leave him because he needs you. He doesn't need you. He's demonstrating to you that he is well capable of looking after himself. He sees something in you that he can manipulate. He uses you as a support for these problems yet he mocks you when you want to do normal things a couple should be doing.

You have said he will never be wrong. He'll never admit any fault. So trying to get any sort of answer out of him is only going to lead to him saying something very hurtful to you, and you being very hurt.

Just leave it. It's what he wants you to do.

Although, I'd imagine you'll hear from him some day when he's horny. (Sorry)

GingerLily

You're underreacting, you need to breakup with him

Lux23

You haven't overreacted at all. To be honest it doesn't sound like his heart is in the relationship anymore. I don't think I would even bother calling or texting him again, maybe just walk away and let him come running when he cops it is over. Like he won't even answer your calls, how disrespectful is that?

Ursus Horribilis

Lonelyinrelationship wrote: »

I don't know how to go about getting away from him. I don't even know who i am lately. Why does he not just be upfront with me instead of all the passive aggressive stuff. If I try to tell him how I feel i will be ignored.

I had a feeling he was trying to wind me up mentioning other women. I feel so very hurt. He certainly won't answer the phone to me .I might add he is a middle aged man not a young guy who has no clue what he wants.

How do i get my point across to someone so passive aggressive?

Why would you even bother trying to get your point across to him? I'm not sure you can see the wood from the trees any more. This is supposed to be your boyfriend, not a teenager who doesn't want to do his homework.

LegacyUser

Thank you for all the replies. I guess i cannot see the wood from the trees. I even thought i might have been overreacting. I got used to the crumbs

I invested so much in this guy & he did say he loved me. I feel really stupid now. I have tried to end things before & it seemed he would panic after a few weeks & the cycle continued. Why could he just not have been upfront with me :-) why not just end it instead of treating me so awful.

Yes i also agree he manipulates me

Smondie

Ignore his texts, say your busy if he does manage to contact you. It sounds like he's already checked out. Move on with your life, I don't think you'll get the answers you're looking for from him

Big Bag of Chips

Well now you realise he manipulates you, so the next time he comes back you'll be prepared. He doesn't care about you. Or at least he doesn't care enough. You're handy when he's at a loose end, or looking for something (sex? Someone to sort something out for him?) But you are not a priority. You're not important enough in his life for him to want to spend time with you doing nothing. Just being together.

Don't fall for it again. He's well able to manage without you in his life... He does it on a daily basis. Don't let him suck you back in. And don't let him make you feel guilty or feel sorry for him.

Ursus Horribilis

Lonelyinrelationship wrote: »

I invested so much in this guy & he did say he loved me. I feel really stupid now. I have tried to end things before & it seemed he would panic after a few weeks & the cycle continued. Why could he just not have been upfront with me :-) why not just end it instead of treating me so awful.

Yes I also agree he manipulates me

Of course he said he loved you. He figured out a long time ago that all he needed to do to keep you sweet was to say some nice words and throw you some crumbs. Job done. He knows you're so hung up on him that all he has to do is reach out again, make the right noises and reel you in. Then continue as he was before. He knows exactly how to manipulate you and you're allowing him to.

If people were upfront and honest with each other, this board would not exist! If you ignore the nice words he says and forget what you've "invested" in this, what are you seeing? Do you really want to waste any more of your time on someone who's only interested in you as a distraction? Because that, I'm afraid, is all you are. Someone to keep on the back burner as an option when he's not too "busy" with more important things like social media, meeting female friends and the likes. Something else to think about here. Does he have sex with you every time you meet up?

You should end it and more importantly, you should take steps to ensure he doesn't have the opportunity to "panic" and reel you back again. You've said he manipulates you and I'm glad you're honest enough to admit that. So in order to stop this from going into another cycle of I love you/I'm busy nonsense, block his number on your phone. It's easy to do if you've a smartphone. Block him on social media. Then walk away with your dignity and don't ever settle for crumbs again.

tara73

I feel for you OP, what a horrible way of treating you.

It might take a few more days before you are ready and realised it's over. when you reach that point (hopefully) I would definetely send him a short text that it's over and he should not contact you ever again.

Important thing is, you have taken action then for yourself and made a clear cut, I wouldn't just ignore it like others have suggested. With that you would be kind of in Limbo from my point of view and always still have him in the back of your mind if or when he might come back to you or contact you.
If you call it quits you are the one who made the decision and it definetely feels better and is better for your overall mental health and stepping away from this nasty human being.

Degringola

Always look at their actions, not their words.

Idle Passerby

Lonelyinrelationship wrote: »

I have tried to end things before & it seemed he would panic after a few weeks & the cycle continued. Why could he just not have been upfront with me :-) why not just end it instead of treating me so awful.

I have been there OP, its a spirit crushing cycle to be in. This kind only want you when you've given up and try to walk away and suddenly they are the most attentive partner ever. But it never lasts. My advice is walk away now and bear in mind when he comes running after you its false affection, he just wants you back under his thumb. If he really wanted you he'd cherish you while you are there which he clearly isn't.

From personal experience it very hard to be strong and not go back at the start but every month that passes it gets easier to see how bad it was. And the feeling of not being in thrall to someone who ignores you is immensely liberating.

Ursus Horribilis

Here are two things to think about:

If I'm too busy to talk to someone on the phone when they call, I try to answer the phone anyway. Then I tell them I'm busy and quickly arrange a better time to talk. Or if I don't answer the phone, I'll call or text them when I get a chance. A polite text, by the way. Not a "what do you want" one. Funnily enough, that's the way most other people I've ever encountered deal with phone calls when they're too busy to talk. Seeing as you're supposedly his girlfriend, should he not be delighted to have you ring him?

If he has a tendency to ignore you for long periods of time, how on earth do you propose to ever build a proper life together? Everyone has their own way of dealing with disagreements but passive aggressiveness and freezing you out is unworkable. Anyway, that's a moot point. This relationship's going nowhere.

blairbear

OP, I finished a relationship eerily similar to your post this evening. At around ten pm. I'm reeling from it, but there's a feeling growing inside me right now; RELIEF.

Texts would go unanswered for 8/10/12 hours when I could see him online. (Mentioning this made me a psycho). He would see me on his terms only; turning up on my doorstep unannounced, but refusing to make concrete plans with me so I could actually, you know, organise my schedule.
He was always busy with work too; odd given that I was in the same career but in a more senior position, and always find the time to reply to texts.
Telling him I missed him and loved him was manipulative and an effort to guilt him apparently. And then there was the anger, the shouting, the nasty comments, when I did even the smallest thing "wrong". (Like ring him when it was inconvenient for him or ask when we were meeting up.)

I was like you; in love and far, far, far too good to him. Walking on eggshells lest I set him off again. Desperate to get back to the time in the relationship when things were lovely (the very beginning.)

You're in an emotionally abusive relationship OP. So was I. I feel pathetic and like an eejit for putting up with it when I fancy myself as someone who's very strong and independent. This man has worn down your self esteem. Please, please leave him.

I've been crying all evening, OP, but I know now that things will get better. My mood won't be dictated by whether or not some sh**ty guy decides to deign to contact me or not. And I'm free to meet someone lovely eventually, I hope.

Good luck, OP. You deserve better than this. We both do.

BetsyEllen

blairbear wrote: »

OP, I finished a relationship eerily similar to your post this evening. At around ten pm. I'm reeling from it, but there's a feeling growing inside me right now; RELIEF.

Texts would go unanswered for 8/10/12 hours when I could see him online. (Mentioning this made me a psycho). He would see me on his terms only; turning up on my doorstep unannounced, but refusing to make concrete plans with me so I could actually, you know, organise my schedule.
He was always busy with work too; odd given that I was in the same career but in a more senior position, and always find the time to reply to texts.
Telling him I missed him and loved him was manipulative and an effort to guilt him apparently. And then there was the anger, the shouting, the nasty comments, when I did even the smallest thing "wrong". (Like ring him when it was inconvenient for him or ask when we were meeting up.)

I was like you; in love and far, far, far too good to him. Walking on eggshells lest I set him off again. Desperate to get back to the time in the relationship when things were lovely (the very beginning.)

You're in an emotionally abusive relationship OP. So was I. I feel pathetic and like an eejit for putting up with it when I fancy myself as someone who's very strong and independent. This man has worn down your self esteem. Please, please leave him.

I've been crying all evening, OP, but I know now that things will get better. My mood won't be dictated by whether or not some sh**ty guy decides to deign to contact me or not. And I'm free to meet someone lovely eventually, I hope.

Good luck, OP. You deserve better than this. We both do.

Jesus I could have written this - I am just over 3 months out of the exact same situation.
I have to be honest girls, it's hard...even after the 3 months I'm still not great and really struggling with the break up. The emotional abuse has affected me and I really feel I won't be able for another relationship after it.

However, I am sensible enough to know I won't feel like that forever and it's part of the healing.

OP, I let this stupid situation go on for over 2 years; we broke up many times, I would stop contact, about 10 days later he'd be back...as blairbear said he would then be AMAZING, it would be like the beginning again...I'd fall in love with him all over again - and then about a month later we'd be back to exactly how it was when we split.
I spent so many days/nights crying and feeling worthless, sad and so lonely.
Getting 'crumbs' is an excellent way to put it.
And like you and blairbear, when I mentioned I needed more from our relationship I was clingy, needy, desperate, crazy etc. I believed that for a while, still do in fact...when you're told something often enough you begin to believe it.

You really need to end things OP and if you can, block his number. I know that is so much easier said than done though.
If you can't bring yourself to block him, at least try to not contact him again.

Edited to add - blairbear I hope you're OK. I know exactly how you're feeling right now and I'm very sorry for you. It will get better - slowly, but it will happen x

DukeOfTheSharp

BetsyEllen wrote: »

Jesus I could have written this - I am just over 3 months out of the exact same situation.
I have to be honest girls, it's hard...even after the 3 months I'm still not great and really struggling with the break up. The emotional abuse has affected me and I really feel I won't be able for another relationship after it.

However, I am sensible enough to know I won't feel like that forever and it's part of the healing.

OP, I let this stupid situation go on for over 2 years; we broke up many times, I would stop contact, about 10 days later he'd be back...as blairbear said he would then be AMAZING, it would be like the beginning again...I'd fall in love with him all over again - and then about a month later we'd be back to exactly how it was when we split.
I spent so many days/nights crying and feeling worthless, sad and so lonely.
Getting 'crumbs' is an excellent way to put it.
And like you and blairbear, when I mentioned I needed more from our relationship I was clingy, needy, desperate, crazy etc. I believed that for a while, still do in fact...when you're told something often enough you begin to believe it.

You really need to end things OP and if you can, block his number. I know that is so much easier said than done though.
If you can't bring yourself to block him, at least try to not contact him again.

Edited to add - blairbear I hope you're OK. I know exactly how you're feeling right now and I'm very sorry for you. It will get better - slowly, but it will happen x

Same boat as the two of ye, out of it for nearly a year, had a really bad time of it, waiting for scraps with someone whose only goal was to do what she wanted, regardless of how it affected me.

OP, you'll end this crapshoot and move on to bigger and better things, trust me. Take time for yourself, cut him off like a diseased limb and heal. Only way to get better is to focus on you.

Leogirl

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

BetsyEllen wrote: »

Jesus I could have written this - I am just over 3 months out of the exact same situation.
I have to be honest girls, it's hard...even after the 3 months I'm still not great and really struggling with the break up. The emotional abuse has affected me and I really feel I won't be able for another relationship after it.

However, I am sensible enough to know I won't feel like that forever and it's part of the healing.

OP, I let this stupid situation go on for over 2 years; we broke up many times, I would stop contact, about 10 days later he'd be back...as blairbear said he would then be AMAZING, it would be like the beginning again...I'd fall in love with him all over again - and then about a month later we'd be back to exactly how it was when we split.
I spent so many days/nights crying and feeling worthless, sad and so lonely.
Getting 'crumbs' is an excellent way to put it.
And like you and blairbear, when I mentioned I needed more from our relationship I was clingy, needy, desperate, crazy etc. I believed that for a while, still do in fact...when you're told something often enough you begin to believe it.

You really need to end things OP and if you can, block his number. I know that is so much easier said than done though.
If you can't bring yourself to block him, at least try to not contact him again.

Edited to add - blairbear I hope you're OK. I know exactly how you're feeling right now and I'm very sorry for you. It will get better - slowly, but it will happen x

Same boat as the two of ye, out of it for nearly a year, had a really bad time of it, waiting for scraps with someone whose only goal was to do what she wanted, regardless of how it affected me.

OP, you'll end this crapshoot and move on to bigger and better things, trust me. Take time for yourself, cut him off like a diseased limb and heal. Only way to get better is to focus on you.

Also recently out of same type of relationship. It was only when I found out I had cancer while pregnant that his really nasty side came out- this time there was no playing nice now+ then to keep me sweet. He knew I was low+ needed him, he took full advantage of it.

OP I really hope you stay strong+ keep this person out of your life. The longer you're in an emotionally abusive relationship, the more it wears you down+ you doubt yourself. Look after yourself!

PressRun

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

It could be weeks before he'll talk to you? I think he finished with you a while ago, he just forgot to tell you. I wouldn't go chasing him. Just take it your relationship is finished and move on. Don't call him. Don't text him. Don't tell him how upset or hurt you are. Don't go looking for answers. All the above will just give him the chance to ridicule and mock you.

Move on now.

He already has.

This.

Just move on and don't bother looking for an explanation because he seems to take some enjoyment out of making you feel bad. Don't try to contact him and if he contacts you, ignore him. He hasn't had the decency to even tell you that it's over. Why bother making the effort to end on good terms or explain to him that it's over when he hasn't done the same for you? Just walk away and forget about this eejit. He's not worth the hassle.

DukeOfTheSharp

Leogirl wrote: »

Also recently out of same type of relationship. It was only when I found out I had cancer while pregnant that his really nasty side came out- this time there was no playing nice now+ then to keep me sweet. He knew I was low+ needed him, he took full advantage of it.

OP I really hope you stay strong+ keep this person out of your life. The longer you're in an emotionally abusive relationship, the more it wears you down+ you doubt yourself. Look after yourself!

Jesus Christ! I'm really sorry to hear this, just as a digression! I don't even know what to say here other than hang in there...there are few things that shock me anymore but I was genuinely wide-eyed reading this! All the best, good job getting rid of that asshole!

+1 to all the above and more by the way, draining your resolve is what these relationships do, questioning your sanity is a result of that. It's messed up, and hopefully the OP can tell that they're not alone in this.

Leogirl

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

Leogirl wrote: »

Also recently out of same type of relationship. It was only when I found out I had cancer while pregnant that his really nasty side came out- this time there was no playing nice now+ then to keep me sweet. He knew I was low+ needed him, he took full advantage of it.

OP I really hope you stay strong+ keep this person out of your life. The longer you're in an emotionally abusive relationship, the more it wears you down+ you doubt yourself. Look after yourself!

Jesus Christ! I'm really sorry to hear this, just as a digression! I don't even know what to say here other than hang in there...there are few things that shock me anymore but I was genuinely wide-eyed reading this! All the best, good job getting rid of that asshole!

+1 to all the above and more by the way, draining your resolve is what these relationships do, questioning your sanity is a result of that. It's messed up, and hopefully the OP can tell that they're not alone in this.

Ah I'm well rid!! And I have a beautiful baby so it wasn't all a mistake. Cancer free too+ almost finished most treatments, so onwards+ upwards :-)

Thank you!

Yellow pack crisps

Leogirl wrote: »

Ah I'm well rid!! And I have a beautiful baby so it wasn't all a mistake. Cancer free too+ almost finished most treatments, so onwards+ upwards :-)

Thank you!

you have just made a beautiful day a bit more beautiful and well done.

LegacyUser

Thank you all so much for your replies & to the people who shared their similar stories. I guess it hurts so much because this was a long term relationship. All his things are here so he probably thinks he can wiggle his way back in a few weeks. I am not devastated that he is gone. I know from reading your replies that i deserve better. I am very upset at how he treats me though. I have actually been brain washed so much that I actually did think i was overeacting. He told me previous partners were jealous & that another cheated on him. I now know that this is not the case & he will probably bad mouth me too to his next victim & victims they will be.

I have a date in my head where i will remove him from all forms of social media, i just can' t seem to do it right now.

Why oh why do people behave like this. I could never do that to anyone. To complicate matters I have children (not his) that adore him. How do I explain to them?

Leogirl

That date should be today!! Do it before he can get to you + to stop yourself checking he's online, checking his Facebook etc. You'll only torture yourself. If I could block mine from all contact I would in a heartbeat. Unfortunately with a child involved we can't. Even this morning his nasty texts upset me!!

Close that door OP!! It's the best thing you can do to help get over this.

Ursus Horribilis

Lonelyinrelationship wrote: »

To complicate matters I have children (not his) that adore him. How do I explain to them?

That's even more of a reason for you to rid him from your life for once and for all. You didn't say what age your children are but they may be old enough to observe what has been going on. If nothing else, you should end things for their sake. You're not giving them a good example of what to expect from a relationship. Would you like any of your children to find themselves in relationships where they're thrown crumbs and treated like dirt? Or for them to think that this is the way they can treat their future boyfriends/girlfriends? Because that's exactly what you're doing.

What age are your children? You don't have to go into the gory details with them. Don't use their upset at him being gone as an excuse to prolong this. You've wasted enough of your life on this asshat. I can see exactly what you're doing here. You're hoping against hope that he'll come running back to you and that this time it'll be different. It's always going to be different next time, isn't it?

Leogirl

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Lonelyinrelationship wrote: »

To complicate matters I have children (not his) that adore him. How do I explain to them?

That's even more of a reason for you to rid him from your life for once and for all. You didn't say what age your children are but they may be old enough to observe what has been going on. If nothing else, you should end things for their sake. You're not giving them a good example of what to expect from a relationship. Would you like any of your children to find themselves in relationships where they're thrown crumbs and treated like dirt? Or for them to think that this is the way they can treat their future boyfriends/girlfriends? Because that's exactly what you're doing.

What age are your children? You don't have to go into the gory details with them. Don't use their upset at him being gone as an excuse to prolong this. You've wasted enough of your life on this asshat. I can see exactly what you're doing here. You're hoping against hope that he'll come running back to you and that this time it'll be different. It's always going to be different next time, isn't it?

+1 to this!! One of the main reasons I got out was because I did not want my daughter to think it's ok to be treated like dirt+ to grow up in a poisonous atmosphere. Don't use them as an excuse- as the parent you are responsible for making decisions in their best interest, even if they don't like them all the time.

LegacyUser

The children don't see his behavior because he only engages in the passive aggressive behavior when he is not here i.e he ignores my attempts to communicate with him. Completely withdraws. This usually lastsca week or 2. They would of course notice his absence. One is constantly asking why he has not come to see us.

Thank you Ursus Horribilis I know it will be great for a few weeks until the next time. The next time seems to happen more frequently. I also know he is playing the victim when all i had is normal relationship expectations. He could be so loving when it suited him but once he was in passive aggressive mode it is like he is completely oblivious to my suffering.

Ursus Horribilis

Lonelyinrelationship wrote: »

The children don't see his behaviour because he only engages in the passive aggressive behaviour when he is not here i.e he ignores my attempts to communicate with him. Completely withdraws. This usually lasts a week or 2. They would of course notice his absence. One is constantly asking why he has not come to see us.

So in other words, they are starting to notice something's not quite right.

Can you not see how dysfunctional this is? You've got the kids asking where he is and you're having to make excuses for him lie so you'll not have to answer awkward questions about why you're tolerating such shoddy treatment. You've been lying to yourself for a long time. Now you're lying to your kids.