Chatting with a guy online..I'm in trouble!

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Bam Bam Mickey wrote: »

No I don't.
I just don't setup FB pages and chat for months on end with women I used to know.

Nice out of context retort there Mrs Bitch.

And I use my personal facebook page to talk to old friends, casual acquaintances, work colleagues etc, and it would not once cross my mind to tell my partner specifically who I was talking to. Unless I was relating a funny joke or passing on some news or whatever. Because talking to people is normal, even when you're in a relationship, there is nothing suspicious about talking to people, you'd think OP had been messaging this guy on tinder or something, it's facebook ffs. If I "found out" my partner had been chatting with a woman on facebook I wouldn't care. We have a healthy relationship, I trust him, exes of both of ours are still on the scene as friends/we'd see them around. None of this is extraordinary.

Bam Bam Mickey wrote: »

obviously!, you spend a lot of time online chatting to all sorts of people and know it's not good manners to mention you have relationship.

Hmm, OK, you go on with your weird little personal brigade against me and shove whatever words you want in my mouth and I'll get back to the advice.

OP, I'd say just respond to the request as Augme said above. Do you WANT to go to this gig with the guy? Is it the fact that he wants to see you IRL at all that's thrown you or just the uncertainty about whether he knows it's platonic?

Going forward, mentioning your husband in these kinds of conversations doesn't have to be awkward, just drop him in by name, who's that, that's my husband. Uncertainty removed. Were I in your shoes I'd probably talk it through with my partner at this point, you know your husband and are best placed to say if that would be a good call.

Jill350

Thanks all...ah now way I'd go...I don't think it's right. Am just going to decline invite and drop hubby's name into future conversation....

Oryx

If you could show your husband the chat, there is no problem. If you couldnt then there is something wrong with the friendship.

Tell your husband about this guy. Dont hide things like this.

D0NNELLY

Jill350 wrote: »

..but it NEVER got flirty....was always or common interest and work...the odd joke, etc....

Never anything about you and your husband seeing a band, holiday, night out?

D0NNELLY

Jill350 wrote: »

Thanks all...ah now way I'd go...I don't think it's right. Am just going to decline invite and drop hubby's name into future conversation....

Why not just get a babysitter and the three of ye go

Dr Crayfish

D0NNELLY wrote: »

Why not just get a babysitter and the three of ye go

I really doubt the guy would want to go with a married couple. How awful. Male female friendships are a curious dynamic when people are attached and especially once you hit your thirties or so. There are invisible boundaries that need to be respected. If the guy was someone you've been friends with for a long time and was always on the scene id have no problem with it but going out with new guys alone together when you're married? Call me a possessive Neanderthal but I know I wouldn't do so with another woman if I was in that situation.

Ticking and Bashing

I'd say drop it and completely forget about it. You've wasted 5 months of that guy's time online, don't waste anymore of it. I also wouldn't mention that you're married. Just say that there's been a change in circumstances and that you can't chat anymore, wish him luck etc. Obviously you'll put it nicely! I think it would be hurtful for you to say you're married at this stage. Cut all contact for your own good and his!

G'luck.

tomwaterford

Maybe the chap knows your married and just wants to meet up??


Sure what harm like??

GingerLily

tomwaterford wrote: »

Maybe the chap knows your married and just wants to meet up??


Sure what harm like??

A lot of affairs and marraige break downs probably start off with this attitude.

It seems odd to me that in 5 months of chatting to someone, as frequently as you seem to have, your husband didn't come up once. Not even in passing.

Big Bag of Chips

I think you need to ask yourself why in 5 months of chatting pretty regularly to a friend of a friend that never once did you mention your husband to him, or (I presume) him to your husband. Nobody is saying that you need to give your husband a list of people you speak to on a daily basis, or that you need to profess your marital status in your first sentence, but the very nature of friendships and relationships is they cross paths! I have never met work colleagues of my husband, yet I'd hear "Mick said...", or "I was talking to Sinéad...". I'd tell him things about people he's never met.

Maybe there's nothing to it, but maybe there's a reason you never mentioned either?

Estrellita

Jill350 wrote: »

A guy, who happens to be a good mate of a mate of mine

Is the 'good mate of mine' thing an exaggeration, or is there any particular reason why he wouldn't already know you are married?

Can I just say there is little point in asking for honest answers unless you are giving the honest truth here. If you are genuinely only having a basic bit of banter with this man, then you will have no trouble discussing him with your husband and telling him you've been chatting for the past five months. Some questions, if I may.

Do you think it is at all possible that you don't want to tell him in case it puts him off you? Do you think maybe now you are settled in marriage and routines are making life samey? Do you feel less appreciated as a married woman now? Is there an excitement when you know you are getting a mail from the friend? Is the relationship with your husband healthy? Do you communicate well with your husband? do you have regular intimacy? Do you still hug, kiss, and touch as often as you used to?

You are anonymous here, so there is no need to be defensive about anything I've asked. You just have to be honest with yourself, then you will have the answer you are looking for.

squonk

I'm with others here. If there realy was nothing to any of this as the OP said then surely the mention of her hubby would have come up at some point. I find it bizarre anyway that it didn't come up in the first few days. Even after a weekend "How was your weekend", "Oh myself and hubby just hung out and did some gardening etc.". IMHO that's the above board and normal thing to do. Anything else is just fishing and that's not good. It's emotional cheating because this guy was in another country so it wasn't like the OP was going to bump into him next time her and hubby were in Tesco. IMHO it was all harmless and safe to carry on with this for five months but now the guy is home on holiday and the invitation has meant that things just got real.

I think this is no different from physical cheating. It's all online so you can fool yourself that it's just being friends because there's no physical contact involved but if the OP is coming on here asking about this then it's obvious that she was more invested in this than she's admitting.

suicide_circus

Sorry OP, if I had a 5 month online chat with some woman, never mentioned I was in a relationship and never mentioned the chat to my partner I would feel pretty underhanded all round. Nothing to do with trust or suspicion and a lot to do with respect and common sense. Glad you've decided to put a stop to this charade before going any further down this rabbit hole.

mada82

The OP was getting her ego stroked. It's bad form in my opinion.

Estrellita

The fact of the matter is, you talk to your spouse about your friends, and vice versa. If you conceal 'friendships', or don't discuss them at all when you are in contact with them, then why? You tell a spouse their news and general chit chat. Who got married? Who had a baby? Who just got their degree? Doesn't matter what the news.

If all is safe and secure with an OH, then it should be more along the lines of.. " oh honey, a friend of mine that travelled to xxxxx and just got in touch. It was lovely to hear from him. Guess what? He's coming home for a visit, would you like to meet him?"

kerry cow

Think it more like he would like to saddle up and if the truth be told might be tempted to have a bit of fun .suppose some women get bored ..any truth in the prospect of a bit on the Q t with your male friend ??

Neyite

Mod:

Kerry Cow, welcome to PI. Here, asking for updates from a poster is not allowed under our charter rules, and the poster is not obliged to return to update anyone. Please check the charter before posting again.

Tim Shearer

tomwaterford wrote: »

Maybe the chap knows your married and just wants to meet up??


Sure what harm like??

It puts people in a sutuation where things can "Just happen", and then next thing you know lives are ruined. Humans are predisposed to ride many people, with this in mind one should avoid situations where there is a likelihood for mating instincts to take over.

Turtle_

You love your husband? You want to maintain the marriage?

Yeah? Right, so ask yerman if he would like to make a night of it if and both bring your partners and have a meal together before the concert.

Doesn't matter if he has a partner or not, you can act dumb and be all apologetic saying you just assumed, don't know why you assumed, so embarrassed, very sorry.

It leaves the ball of knowledge in his court. If he does say yes it's a possibly nice night for all 4 of you.

Jill350

Thanks all...have no interest in meeting up with the guy ...and I being honest here. I do remember mentioning our mutual friend, who happens to be married to my hubby's cousin...so I just assumed he knew...but I do think I have behaved badly..towards hubby and this guy...I assumed because there are a few thousand miles between us, it was harmless...I wa naive, I know.