Chatting with a guy online..I'm in trouble!

Jill350

Hi all....a newbie and looking for advice..I know I got myself into a bit of a mess. I have a page set up on FB...won't say what it is as want to remain anon. A guy, who happens to be a good mate of a mate of mine messaged me just chatting, he is a keen fan of the page I set up so we have that in common. He is Irish but has lived abroad for years. I am married. Our chat was NEVER flirty. We work in the same areas too so we would chat about that too. The messaging has been going on for about 5 months. It has always been banter, etc...never anything heavy....I assume he knows I'm married....perhaps from looking at my page, etc...it has never come up in the messages...as it is always light hearted. Last night, he mentioned he was visiting family in Ireland next month and a band we both like are playing..he casually mentioned us going...it wasn't asked like a "date" thing....I don't know what to say...I feel awful if I lead him on or maybe he's just asking as a mate....yes, I know I was foolish even messaging him in the first place...any advice??

Jill350

Jill350 wrote: »

Hi all....a newbie and looking for advice..I know I got myself into a bit of a mess. I have a page set up on FB...won't say what it is as want to remain anon. A guy, who happens to be a good mate of a mate of mine messaged me just chatting, he is a keen fan of the page I set up so we have that in common. He is Irish but has lived abroad for years. I am married. Our chat was NEVER flirty. We work in the same areas too so we would chat about that too. The messaging has been going on for about 5 months. It has always been banter, etc...never anything heavy....I assume he knows I'm married....perhaps from looking at my page, etc...it has never come up in the messages...as it is always light hearted. Last night, he mentioned he was visiting family in Ireland next month and a band we both like are playing..he casually mentioned us going...it wasn't asked like a "date" thing....I don't know what to say...I feel awful if I lead him on or maybe he's just asking as a mate....yes, I know I was foolish even messaging him in the first place...any advice??

Ask your husband would he be ok with it.
Nothing to hide, nothing to worry about.
Your husband would trust you if you ask him.

Dr Crayfish

5 months and he doesn't know you're married? Are you sure it's totally innocent?

Jill350

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

5 months and he doesn't know is you're married? Are you sure it's totally innocent?

When we started messaging, I didn't want to say...by the way I'm married..felt a bit foolish and he would mention heading out with his son, etc...but the vibe I get is that he is not involved with anyone. Our messages have always been chatty, banter....never flirty...

johnnysmack

Just say you're busy on that date, pretty simple!

The Bishop Basher

The simplest and easiest thing to do is to politely decline and avoid any confusion...

In fact I would wonder why you haven't..

Are you being completely honest with yourself as to how you feel about this guy ?

mada82

Just say you are married and it's not appropriate.
Of course he's viewing it as a date, you spent 5 months chatting.

Don't think the OP has trust with the hubby.
Always suspicious of intent if the first place you go to fight your innocence is a forum.

Something tells me you're testing the water as your hubby would blow up if he found out.

Jill350

Swanner wrote: »

The simplest and easiest thing to do is to politely decline and avoid any confusion...

In fact I would wonder why you haven't..

Are you being completely honest with yourself as to how you feel about this guy ?

I guess I never thought about how I feel...he lives the other side of the world...I assumed he was in a relationship as he dropped his son into conversation but I def get the vibe now that he is single..and seems a bit lonely as he is online a lot...I feel like ****e if I have lead him on in any way....but it NEVER got flirty....was always or common interest and work...the odd joke, etc....

The Bishop Basher

Jill350 wrote: »

I feel like ****e if I have lead him on in any way....but it NEVER got flirty....was always or common interest and work...the odd joke, etc....

So unless there's something more to this, your response should be very straight forward.

Are you saying there's absolutely nothing in it from your side ?

Nothing at all ?

Jill350

Swanner wrote: »

So unless there's something more to this, your response should be very straight forward.

Are you saying there's absolutely nothing in it from your side ?

Nothing at all ?

If I'm honest, no....have never been in this situation before...

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Could you not just say like "yeah hopefully I can go, I'll ask the hubby as well, he loves that band!"

The Bishop Basher

Jill350 wrote: »

If I'm honest, no....have never been in this situation before...

Well then you should decline the invitation and go book a weekend away with your husband.

Any other course of action here will bring you and everyone you love, a whole world of pain.

You have a chance to do the right thing before anyone gets hurt.

It's all in your hands.. Choose wisely..

Merkin

It's quite straightforward really. Just say as above or 'can't that night as I'm going out for dinner with my husband', then you're guaranteed there'll be no more crossed wires.

It sounds like you've been enjoying the attention, however innocent it may seem. Important at this stage to say you're married so at least this guy knows your status etc.

Pawwed Rig

Have you been hiding the fact that you have been chatting to this man or is the hubby aware of it?
Night out would probably not be an enormous problem if you are generally honest with each other. Different men have different opinions so why not discuss it with him and see what he says.

TBH and maybe I am wrong but I am sensing that there is more to this story.

professore

Why are you so worried about his opinion? It's your husband you should be worried about. Would you be happy if he was having banter for 5 months with some girl online and then went off to meet her without telling you ?

Definitely more to this story.

Attached members of the opposite sex hanging out together alone is nearly always a bad idea, as is secrecy. If nothing's going on, tell your husband and either don't go, or bring him along !

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Am I the only one who can see how it'd be easy to get into this situation perfectly innocently?

professore

Anton Wet Gentry wrote: »

Am I the only one who can see how it'd be easy to get into this situation perfectly innocently?

Of course it is possible, but why the secrecy and concern for the randomer and no concern for her husband? That's the issue here.

Also, 5 months chatting online? Is her Facebook thing really that interesting ?

Augme

Anton Wet Gentry wrote: »

Could you not just say like "yeah hopefully I can go, I'll ask the hubby as well, he loves that band!"

I wouldn't say this. Maybe just drop it in about asking if the hubby is free to babysit that evening. Even if my reasons were purely platonic I wouldn't feel great about my night out with a "friend" being turned into me feeling like a 3rd wheel to a married couple. If you don't feel comfortable going with him then just decline the offer.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Augme wrote: »

I wouldn't say this. Maybe just drop it in about asking if the hubby is free to babysit that evening. Even if my reasons were purely platonic I wouldn't feel great about my night out with a friend being turned into me feeling like a 3rd wheel to a married couple. If you don't feel comfortable going with him then just decline the offer.

Good point. I think pretty much any sentence with the word husband in it will do to get the point across. This guy will go "whaaaat you're married? You never told me, this is terrible!" (not very likely), he'll feel like that but OP has made the situation so he can save face (possible), or it'll turn out he knew she was married and this was a purely platonic offer (also very possible).

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

professore wrote: »

Of course it is possible, but why the secrecy and concern for the randomer and no concern for her husband? That's the issue here.

Also, 5 months chatting online? Is her Facebook thing really that interesting ?

But what secrecy? I spend a lot of time online, chat to all sorts of people. I certainly wouldn't be going to my partner "oh here's who I talked to on facebook today hon just so's we're not keeping secrets". What concern should she be having for her husband? She hasn't cheated on him, intended to cheat on him or acted inappropriately.

She talked online with someone with whom she has a shared friend, career and other interests, and some wires have potentially gotten crossed, sharpen the pitchforks everyone!

kerry cow

Dont think the guy who is offering is too worried if she is married or not .I think she secretly would like to.meet this guy but if feeling a little guilty and is looking for the heads up here to say .go for it .but really any woman who carries on like that with a private conversation for 5 month with a guy is no different to her husband doing it behind her back and then we would say he's a no good bastaaaard.

Anton Wet Gentry

Anton Wet Gentry wrote: »

But what secrecy? I spend a lot of time online, chat to all sorts of people. I certainly wouldn't be going to my partner "oh here's who I talked to on facebook today hon just so's we're not keeping secrets". What concern should she be having for her husband? She hasn't cheated on him, intended to cheat on him or acted inappropriately.

She talked online with someone with whom she has a shared friend, career and other interests, and some wires have potentially gotten crossed, sharpen the pitchforks everyone!

The reason you wouldn't tell your partner?
Would create doubt perhaps?

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Bam Bam Mickey wrote: »

The reason you wouldn't tell your partner?
Would create doubt perhaps?

No, the reason I don't give my partner a list of the people I speak to every day is because he's not a possessive paranoid headcase and I'm not insane

Big Bag of Chips

So in 5 months he managed to drop his son into conversation numerous times, but you never managed to drop your husband in? Not even once?

I think you need to have a look at yourself, OP, and as others have said why you're more bothered about upsetting him than your husband.

Lusk_Doyle

The most important factor to consider here is what band is it?

Anton Wet Gentry

Anton Wet Gentry wrote: »

No, the reason I don't give my partner a list of the people I speak to every day is because he's not a possessive paranoid headcase and I'm not insane

Riiiight.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Bam Bam Mickey wrote: »

Riiiight.

What, so you go home and tell Mrs Mickey "I talked to Lucy and Mary and Tom and Joe and Barry today love, there was a woman on the bus too but I didn't get her name, OK where's your list"?

Anton Wet Gentry

Anton Wet Gentry wrote: »

What, so you go home and tell Mrs Mickey "I talked to Lucy and Mary and Tom and Joe and Barry today love, there was a woman on the bus too but I didn't get her name, OK where's your list"?

No I don't.
I just don't setup FB pages and chat for months on end with women I used to know.

Nice out of context retort there Mrs Bitch.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

So in 5 months he managed to drop his son into conversation numerous times, but you never managed to drop your husband in? Not even once?

I think you need to have a look at yourself, OP, and as others have said why you're more bothered about upsetting him than your husband.

That bit is odd. She said herself she didn't want to be all "I'M MARRIED" when they started talking, which I get, but it seems strange she hasn't mentioned him even by name in the messages, which is what it looks like?

Anton Wet Gentry

Anton Wet Gentry wrote: »

That bit is odd. She said herself she didn't want to be all "I'M MARRIED" when they started talking, which I get, but it seems strange she hasn't mentioned him even by name in the messages, which is what it looks like?

obviously!, you spend a lot of time online chatting to all sorts of people and know it's not good manners to mention you have relationship.