Chatting with a guy online..I'm in trouble!

Jill350

Hi all....a newbie and looking for advice..I know I got myself into a bit of a mess. I have a page set up on FB...won't say what it is as want to remain anon. A guy, who happens to be a good mate of a mate of mine messaged me just chatting, he is a keen fan of the page I set up so we have that in common. He is Irish but has lived abroad for years. I am married. Our chat was NEVER flirty. We work in the same areas too so we would chat about that too. The messaging has been going on for about 5 months. It has always been banter, etc...never anything heavy....I assume he knows I'm married....perhaps from looking at my page, etc...it has never come up in the messages...as it is always light hearted. Last night, he mentioned he was visiting family in Ireland next month and a band we both like are playing..he casually mentioned us going...it wasn't asked like a "date" thing....I don't know what to say...I feel awful if I lead him on or maybe he's just asking as a mate....yes, I know I was foolish even messaging him in the first place...any advice??

Jill350

Jill350 wrote: »

Hi all....a newbie and looking for advice..I know I got myself into a bit of a mess. I have a page set up on FB...won't say what it is as want to remain anon. A guy, who happens to be a good mate of a mate of mine messaged me just chatting, he is a keen fan of the page I set up so we have that in common. He is Irish but has lived abroad for years. I am married. Our chat was NEVER flirty. We work in the same areas too so we would chat about that too. The messaging has been going on for about 5 months. It has always been banter, etc...never anything heavy....I assume he knows I'm married....perhaps from looking at my page, etc...it has never come up in the messages...as it is always light hearted. Last night, he mentioned he was visiting family in Ireland next month and a band we both like are playing..he casually mentioned us going...it wasn't asked like a "date" thing....I don't know what to say...I feel awful if I lead him on or maybe he's just asking as a mate....yes, I know I was foolish even messaging him in the first place...any advice??

Ask your husband would he be ok with it.
Nothing to hide, nothing to worry about.
Your husband would trust you if you ask him.

Dr Crayfish

5 months and he doesn't know you're married? Are you sure it's totally innocent?

Jill350

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

5 months and he doesn't know is you're married? Are you sure it's totally innocent?

When we started messaging, I didn't want to say...by the way I'm married..felt a bit foolish and he would mention heading out with his son, etc...but the vibe I get is that he is not involved with anyone. Our messages have always been chatty, banter....never flirty...

johnnysmack

Just say you're busy on that date, pretty simple!

The Bishop Basher

The simplest and easiest thing to do is to politely decline and avoid any confusion...

In fact I would wonder why you haven't..

Are you being completely honest with yourself as to how you feel about this guy ?

mada82

Just say you are married and it's not appropriate.
Of course he's viewing it as a date, you spent 5 months chatting.

Don't think the OP has trust with the hubby.
Always suspicious of intent if the first place you go to fight your innocence is a forum.

Something tells me you're testing the water as your hubby would blow up if he found out.

Jill350

Swanner wrote: »

The simplest and easiest thing to do is to politely decline and avoid any confusion...

In fact I would wonder why you haven't..

Are you being completely honest with yourself as to how you feel about this guy ?

I guess I never thought about how I feel...he lives the other side of the world...I assumed he was in a relationship as he dropped his son into conversation but I def get the vibe now that he is single..and seems a bit lonely as he is online a lot...I feel like ****e if I have lead him on in any way....but it NEVER got flirty....was always or common interest and work...the odd joke, etc....

The Bishop Basher

Jill350 wrote: »

I feel like ****e if I have lead him on in any way....but it NEVER got flirty....was always or common interest and work...the odd joke, etc....

So unless there's something more to this, your response should be very straight forward.

Are you saying there's absolutely nothing in it from your side ?

Nothing at all ?

Jill350

Swanner wrote: »

So unless there's something more to this, your response should be very straight forward.

Are you saying there's absolutely nothing in it from your side ?

Nothing at all ?

If I'm honest, no....have never been in this situation before...

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Could you not just say like "yeah hopefully I can go, I'll ask the hubby as well, he loves that band!"

The Bishop Basher

Jill350 wrote: »

If I'm honest, no....have never been in this situation before...

Well then you should decline the invitation and go book a weekend away with your husband.

Any other course of action here will bring you and everyone you love, a whole world of pain.

You have a chance to do the right thing before anyone gets hurt.

It's all in your hands.. Choose wisely..

Merkin

It's quite straightforward really. Just say as above or 'can't that night as I'm going out for dinner with my husband', then you're guaranteed there'll be no more crossed wires.

It sounds like you've been enjoying the attention, however innocent it may seem. Important at this stage to say you're married so at least this guy knows your status etc.

Pawwed Rig

Have you been hiding the fact that you have been chatting to this man or is the hubby aware of it?
Night out would probably not be an enormous problem if you are generally honest with each other. Different men have different opinions so why not discuss it with him and see what he says.

TBH and maybe I am wrong but I am sensing that there is more to this story.

professore

Why are you so worried about his opinion? It's your husband you should be worried about. Would you be happy if he was having banter for 5 months with some girl online and then went off to meet her without telling you ?

Definitely more to this story.

Attached members of the opposite sex hanging out together alone is nearly always a bad idea, as is secrecy. If nothing's going on, tell your husband and either don't go, or bring him along !

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Am I the only one who can see how it'd be easy to get into this situation perfectly innocently?

professore

Anton Wet Gentry wrote: »

Am I the only one who can see how it'd be easy to get into this situation perfectly innocently?

Of course it is possible, but why the secrecy and concern for the randomer and no concern for her husband? That's the issue here.

Also, 5 months chatting online? Is her Facebook thing really that interesting ?

Augme

Anton Wet Gentry wrote: »

Could you not just say like "yeah hopefully I can go, I'll ask the hubby as well, he loves that band!"

I wouldn't say this. Maybe just drop it in about asking if the hubby is free to babysit that evening. Even if my reasons were purely platonic I wouldn't feel great about my night out with a "friend" being turned into me feeling like a 3rd wheel to a married couple. If you don't feel comfortable going with him then just decline the offer.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Augme wrote: »

I wouldn't say this. Maybe just drop it in about asking if the hubby is free to babysit that evening. Even if my reasons were purely platonic I wouldn't feel great about my night out with a friend being turned into me feeling like a 3rd wheel to a married couple. If you don't feel comfortable going with him then just decline the offer.

Good point. I think pretty much any sentence with the word husband in it will do to get the point across. This guy will go "whaaaat you're married? You never told me, this is terrible!" (not very likely), he'll feel like that but OP has made the situation so he can save face (possible), or it'll turn out he knew she was married and this was a purely platonic offer (also very possible).

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

professore wrote: »

Of course it is possible, but why the secrecy and concern for the randomer and no concern for her husband? That's the issue here.

Also, 5 months chatting online? Is her Facebook thing really that interesting ?

But what secrecy? I spend a lot of time online, chat to all sorts of people. I certainly wouldn't be going to my partner "oh here's who I talked to on facebook today hon just so's we're not keeping secrets". What concern should she be having for her husband? She hasn't cheated on him, intended to cheat on him or acted inappropriately.

She talked online with someone with whom she has a shared friend, career and other interests, and some wires have potentially gotten crossed, sharpen the pitchforks everyone!

kerry cow

Dont think the guy who is offering is too worried if she is married or not .I think she secretly would like to.meet this guy but if feeling a little guilty and is looking for the heads up here to say .go for it .but really any woman who carries on like that with a private conversation for 5 month with a guy is no different to her husband doing it behind her back and then we would say he's a no good bastaaaard.

Anton Wet Gentry

Anton Wet Gentry wrote: »

But what secrecy? I spend a lot of time online, chat to all sorts of people. I certainly wouldn't be going to my partner "oh here's who I talked to on facebook today hon just so's we're not keeping secrets". What concern should she be having for her husband? She hasn't cheated on him, intended to cheat on him or acted inappropriately.

She talked online with someone with whom she has a shared friend, career and other interests, and some wires have potentially gotten crossed, sharpen the pitchforks everyone!

The reason you wouldn't tell your partner?
Would create doubt perhaps?

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Bam Bam Mickey wrote: »

The reason you wouldn't tell your partner?
Would create doubt perhaps?

No, the reason I don't give my partner a list of the people I speak to every day is because he's not a possessive paranoid headcase and I'm not insane

Big Bag of Chips

So in 5 months he managed to drop his son into conversation numerous times, but you never managed to drop your husband in? Not even once?

I think you need to have a look at yourself, OP, and as others have said why you're more bothered about upsetting him than your husband.

Lusk_Doyle

The most important factor to consider here is what band is it?

Anton Wet Gentry

Anton Wet Gentry wrote: »

No, the reason I don't give my partner a list of the people I speak to every day is because he's not a possessive paranoid headcase and I'm not insane

Riiiight.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Bam Bam Mickey wrote: »

Riiiight.

What, so you go home and tell Mrs Mickey "I talked to Lucy and Mary and Tom and Joe and Barry today love, there was a woman on the bus too but I didn't get her name, OK where's your list"?

Anton Wet Gentry

Anton Wet Gentry wrote: »

What, so you go home and tell Mrs Mickey "I talked to Lucy and Mary and Tom and Joe and Barry today love, there was a woman on the bus too but I didn't get her name, OK where's your list"?

No I don't.
I just don't setup FB pages and chat for months on end with women I used to know.

Nice out of context retort there Mrs Bitch.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

So in 5 months he managed to drop his son into conversation numerous times, but you never managed to drop your husband in? Not even once?

I think you need to have a look at yourself, OP, and as others have said why you're more bothered about upsetting him than your husband.

That bit is odd. She said herself she didn't want to be all "I'M MARRIED" when they started talking, which I get, but it seems strange she hasn't mentioned him even by name in the messages, which is what it looks like?

Anton Wet Gentry

Anton Wet Gentry wrote: »

That bit is odd. She said herself she didn't want to be all "I'M MARRIED" when they started talking, which I get, but it seems strange she hasn't mentioned him even by name in the messages, which is what it looks like?

obviously!, you spend a lot of time online chatting to all sorts of people and know it's not good manners to mention you have relationship.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Bam Bam Mickey wrote: »

No I don't.
I just don't setup FB pages and chat for months on end with women I used to know.

Nice out of context retort there Mrs Bitch.

And I use my personal facebook page to talk to old friends, casual acquaintances, work colleagues etc, and it would not once cross my mind to tell my partner specifically who I was talking to. Unless I was relating a funny joke or passing on some news or whatever. Because talking to people is normal, even when you're in a relationship, there is nothing suspicious about talking to people, you'd think OP had been messaging this guy on tinder or something, it's facebook ffs. If I "found out" my partner had been chatting with a woman on facebook I wouldn't care. We have a healthy relationship, I trust him, exes of both of ours are still on the scene as friends/we'd see them around. None of this is extraordinary.

Bam Bam Mickey wrote: »

obviously!, you spend a lot of time online chatting to all sorts of people and know it's not good manners to mention you have relationship.

Hmm, OK, you go on with your weird little personal brigade against me and shove whatever words you want in my mouth and I'll get back to the advice.

OP, I'd say just respond to the request as Augme said above. Do you WANT to go to this gig with the guy? Is it the fact that he wants to see you IRL at all that's thrown you or just the uncertainty about whether he knows it's platonic?

Going forward, mentioning your husband in these kinds of conversations doesn't have to be awkward, just drop him in by name, who's that, that's my husband. Uncertainty removed. Were I in your shoes I'd probably talk it through with my partner at this point, you know your husband and are best placed to say if that would be a good call.

Jill350

Thanks all...ah now way I'd go...I don't think it's right. Am just going to decline invite and drop hubby's name into future conversation....

Oryx

If you could show your husband the chat, there is no problem. If you couldnt then there is something wrong with the friendship.

Tell your husband about this guy. Dont hide things like this.

D0NNELLY

Jill350 wrote: »

..but it NEVER got flirty....was always or common interest and work...the odd joke, etc....

Never anything about you and your husband seeing a band, holiday, night out?

D0NNELLY

Jill350 wrote: »

Thanks all...ah now way I'd go...I don't think it's right. Am just going to decline invite and drop hubby's name into future conversation....

Why not just get a babysitter and the three of ye go

Dr Crayfish

D0NNELLY wrote: »

Why not just get a babysitter and the three of ye go

I really doubt the guy would want to go with a married couple. How awful. Male female friendships are a curious dynamic when people are attached and especially once you hit your thirties or so. There are invisible boundaries that need to be respected. If the guy was someone you've been friends with for a long time and was always on the scene id have no problem with it but going out with new guys alone together when you're married? Call me a possessive Neanderthal but I know I wouldn't do so with another woman if I was in that situation.

Ticking and Bashing

I'd say drop it and completely forget about it. You've wasted 5 months of that guy's time online, don't waste anymore of it. I also wouldn't mention that you're married. Just say that there's been a change in circumstances and that you can't chat anymore, wish him luck etc. Obviously you'll put it nicely! I think it would be hurtful for you to say you're married at this stage. Cut all contact for your own good and his!

G'luck.

tomwaterford

Maybe the chap knows your married and just wants to meet up??


Sure what harm like??

GingerLily

tomwaterford wrote: »

Maybe the chap knows your married and just wants to meet up??


Sure what harm like??

A lot of affairs and marraige break downs probably start off with this attitude.

It seems odd to me that in 5 months of chatting to someone, as frequently as you seem to have, your husband didn't come up once. Not even in passing.

Big Bag of Chips

I think you need to ask yourself why in 5 months of chatting pretty regularly to a friend of a friend that never once did you mention your husband to him, or (I presume) him to your husband. Nobody is saying that you need to give your husband a list of people you speak to on a daily basis, or that you need to profess your marital status in your first sentence, but the very nature of friendships and relationships is they cross paths! I have never met work colleagues of my husband, yet I'd hear "Mick said...", or "I was talking to Sinéad...". I'd tell him things about people he's never met.

Maybe there's nothing to it, but maybe there's a reason you never mentioned either?

Estrellita

Jill350 wrote: »

A guy, who happens to be a good mate of a mate of mine

Is the 'good mate of mine' thing an exaggeration, or is there any particular reason why he wouldn't already know you are married?

Can I just say there is little point in asking for honest answers unless you are giving the honest truth here. If you are genuinely only having a basic bit of banter with this man, then you will have no trouble discussing him with your husband and telling him you've been chatting for the past five months. Some questions, if I may.

Do you think it is at all possible that you don't want to tell him in case it puts him off you? Do you think maybe now you are settled in marriage and routines are making life samey? Do you feel less appreciated as a married woman now? Is there an excitement when you know you are getting a mail from the friend? Is the relationship with your husband healthy? Do you communicate well with your husband? do you have regular intimacy? Do you still hug, kiss, and touch as often as you used to?

You are anonymous here, so there is no need to be defensive about anything I've asked. You just have to be honest with yourself, then you will have the answer you are looking for.

squonk

I'm with others here. If there realy was nothing to any of this as the OP said then surely the mention of her hubby would have come up at some point. I find it bizarre anyway that it didn't come up in the first few days. Even after a weekend "How was your weekend", "Oh myself and hubby just hung out and did some gardening etc.". IMHO that's the above board and normal thing to do. Anything else is just fishing and that's not good. It's emotional cheating because this guy was in another country so it wasn't like the OP was going to bump into him next time her and hubby were in Tesco. IMHO it was all harmless and safe to carry on with this for five months but now the guy is home on holiday and the invitation has meant that things just got real.

I think this is no different from physical cheating. It's all online so you can fool yourself that it's just being friends because there's no physical contact involved but if the OP is coming on here asking about this then it's obvious that she was more invested in this than she's admitting.

suicide_circus

Sorry OP, if I had a 5 month online chat with some woman, never mentioned I was in a relationship and never mentioned the chat to my partner I would feel pretty underhanded all round. Nothing to do with trust or suspicion and a lot to do with respect and common sense. Glad you've decided to put a stop to this charade before going any further down this rabbit hole.

mada82

The OP was getting her ego stroked. It's bad form in my opinion.

Estrellita

The fact of the matter is, you talk to your spouse about your friends, and vice versa. If you conceal 'friendships', or don't discuss them at all when you are in contact with them, then why? You tell a spouse their news and general chit chat. Who got married? Who had a baby? Who just got their degree? Doesn't matter what the news.

If all is safe and secure with an OH, then it should be more along the lines of.. " oh honey, a friend of mine that travelled to xxxxx and just got in touch. It was lovely to hear from him. Guess what? He's coming home for a visit, would you like to meet him?"

kerry cow

Think it more like he would like to saddle up and if the truth be told might be tempted to have a bit of fun .suppose some women get bored ..any truth in the prospect of a bit on the Q t with your male friend ??

Neyite

Mod:

Kerry Cow, welcome to PI. Here, asking for updates from a poster is not allowed under our charter rules, and the poster is not obliged to return to update anyone. Please check the charter before posting again.

Tim Shearer

tomwaterford wrote: »

Maybe the chap knows your married and just wants to meet up??


Sure what harm like??

It puts people in a sutuation where things can "Just happen", and then next thing you know lives are ruined. Humans are predisposed to ride many people, with this in mind one should avoid situations where there is a likelihood for mating instincts to take over.

Turtle_

You love your husband? You want to maintain the marriage?

Yeah? Right, so ask yerman if he would like to make a night of it if and both bring your partners and have a meal together before the concert.

Doesn't matter if he has a partner or not, you can act dumb and be all apologetic saying you just assumed, don't know why you assumed, so embarrassed, very sorry.

It leaves the ball of knowledge in his court. If he does say yes it's a possibly nice night for all 4 of you.