Would you have problems to consider this girl like LTR material?

Lavinia

Rekop dog wrote: »

Yeah people always attach their own narrative to these things and runaway with themselves. It seemed quite obvious to me that his issue is not with her having multiple previous sexual partners but that a few of those are his close friends.t.

Seriously??


Didn't stop him "being" with her for couple of months already.

I sincerely hope this girl dumps this dishonest loser asap.

enzo roco

Lavinia wrote: »

Seriously??


Didn't stop him "being" with her for couple of months already.

I sincerely hope this girl dumps this dishonest loser asap.

Loser???
Bit harsh. I reckon the op is about 19/20, and just immature.
He'll grow up eventually. And in a few years realise that he messed up big time.

No need for the name calling.

batmanrobin

LLMMLL wrote: »

Am I reading a different OP to everyone else?

He clearly says he doesn't have a problem with her sleeping around. His problem is that two of her past lovers are very good friends of his.

It's be fairly common to have a problem with this and does not make the OP some kind of hypocrite.

The problem is he's sleeping with her but doesn't think she would be good enough relationship material. She's told him she's developing feelings for him.

What I'd like to call him would probably get me a ban. To put it mildly, he's behaving in a very selfish manner. He knows she is developing feelings. He needs to stop sleeping with her.

I can understand why people might not view someone as being suited to them for a relationship based purely on compatibility. But to discount someone because of their sexual past, someone who by all accounts sounds like a wonderful woman, is just ridiculous and quite insulting to this woman.

He either gets over it and realises how lucky he is to have someone he's describe as a great catch or else he lets her go. But continuing to sleep with her is beyond s****y.

LLMMLL

I think you're still reading an interpretation in your head, not what's in the OP. He hasn't decided to dump her and is still sleeping with her. That's somethin you've made up.

It seems he has concerns about the relationship and is asking for advice. I know multiple relationships, successful ones jay have ended up in marriage, where at least one of the party had concerns in the early stages.

The idea that at the first sign of trouble he should stop sleeping with her is frankly ridiculous.

batmanrobin

LLMMLL wrote: »

I think you're still reading an interpretation in your head, not what's in the OP. He hasn't decided to dump her and is still sleeping with her. That's somethin you've made up.

It seems he has concerns about the relationship and is asking for advice. I know multiple relationships, successful ones jay have ended up in marriage, where at least one of the party had concerns in the early stages.

The idea that at the first sign of trouble he should stop sleeping with her is frankly ridiculous.

Is this in response to me? It reads as if he's still engaging with her so how am I making that up?

She's told him she's developing feelings. In a FWB situation, or whatever the OP has with this woman, when one party starts to develop feelings you pull the plug. Otherwise you're leading that person on and/or being a selfish git.

Given his doubts maybe he should cool things with her until he knows what he wants. She might not still be around but that'll be his loss.

LLMMLL

batmanrobin wrote: »

Is this in response to me? It reads as if he's still engaging with her so how am I making that up?

She's told him she's developing feelings. In a FWB situation, or whatever the OP has with this woman, when one party starts to develop feelings you pull the plug. Otherwise you're leading that person on and/or being a selfish git.

Given his doubts maybe he should cool things with her until he knows what he wants. She might not still be around but that'll be his loss.

He may still be engaging with her but as I've pointed out, its not uncommon to have doubts early on in a relationship. Continuing with the relationship while sorting these doubts out (and actively seeking advice) does not make the OP deserving of the very hard time you are giving to him.

You said he does not consider her relationship material. I don't think that its HER that he does not consider relationship material, rather the situation that has come up. He is uncomfortable that she has slept with two very good friends of his. There is no evidence from the OP that he sees this as a reflection on her, just that they ended up in a situation he is not comfortable with.

Big Bag of Chips

In this two years I've known her, she is always been single. Instead I've been in a relationship for a year. She enjoyed her single time a lot, but this is not the problem. I have the opinion that if you are single you can do whatever you want. I enoyed my single time too, more then she did. The problem is that i know people she had sex with, "one night stand" or "fwb relatioship", however nothing serious, just sex or other things. Some of these people are acquaintances, two of them are my big friends (me and this girl live in a small town and we go out in the same social cirlce).
This thing block me a lot and I don't know how to go beyond it, and if I ever will.

He knew about her sleeping with his close friends, before he started sleeping with her. If it affected him so much then he shouldn't have gone there in the first place. He doesn't know if he'll ever get over the fact that she slept with his friends, yet he's happy to keep sleeping with her while he figures it out?

You're being unfair and incredibly selfish, OP. I suggest you try to work it out pretty soon. Because right now you are being incredibly crappy to a girl who has told you she is falling for you.

strandroad

LLMMLL wrote: »

Am I reading a different OP to everyone else?

He clearly says he doesn't have a problem with her sleeping around. His problem is that two of her past lovers are very good friends of his.

It's be fairly common to have a problem with this and does not make the OP some kind of hypocrite.

He said that he himself slept with several girls from what he calls their small social circle so she'd be in a very similar situation to his if same standards were applied as presumably she knows or is friends with these girls. The difference is that he knows about her past but she's oblivious to his, and he's happy to leave her at that although by his logic she could have serious issues with his history with "the locals" too.

It's not a good foundation for a relationship to hold the other person accountable for what you don't even apply to yourself. It's manipulative and shows a serious lack of respect. He should stop messing with her if they have outgrown their mutual arrangement. There will be others!

batmanrobin

LLMMLL wrote: »

He may still be engaging with her but as I've pointed out, its not uncommon to have doubts early on in a relationship. Continuing with the relationship while sorting these doubts out (and actively seeking advice) does not make the OP deserving of the very hard time you are giving to him.

You said he does not consider her relationship material. I don't think that its HER that he does not consider relationship material, rather the situation that has come up. He is uncomfortable that she has slept with two very good friends of his. There is no evidence from the OP that he sees this as a reflection on her, just that they ended up in a situation he is not comfortable with.

To be fair, I'm not the only one coming down hard on him. The vast majority of the posters are.

Also, HE is the one who is questioning her as relationship material. Those are his words, I'm echoing them back at him.

As Big Bag of Chips pointed out, this guy knew about her past before he started sleeping with her. Of course it is hypocritical to think it's okay to have sex with someone who slept with your friends but then to question her as good relationship material based on that same fact.

LLMMLL

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

He knew about her sleeping with his close friends, before he started sleeping with her. If it affected him so much then he shouldn't have gone there in the first place.

Completely disagree on this point. It's a friends with benefits situation. Was he supposed to psychically predict she would develop feelings for him and say no from the start?

LLMMLL

mhge wrote: »

He said that he himself slept with several girls from what he calls their small social circle so she'd be in a very similar situation to his if same standards were applied as presumably she knows or is friends with these girls. The difference is that he knows about her past but she's oblivious to his, and he's happy to leave her at that although by his logic she could have serious issues with his history with "the locals" too.

It's not a good foundation for a relationship to hold the other person accountable for what you don't even apply to yourself. It's manipulative and shows a serious lack of respect. He should stop messing with her if they have outgrown their mutual arrangement. There will be others!

We all have our turnoffs and issues. And we all hope that potential partners won't have issues with us in relation to their turnoffs. Maybe in some moralistic world where everyone is perfect you can describe that as hypocritical. And if he was insulting her I might agree.

He does not insult her. He just has an issue with the potential relationship. He wants to get past this issue.

Maybe she would have the same issue with him. But maybe she wouldn't. It's really neither here nor there and makes no contribution to resolving the issue.

What's happening here is that people (wrongly) thought he was calling her a slut and they want to take him down a peg.

LLMMLL

batmanrobin wrote: »

To be fair, I'm not the only one coming down hard on him. The vast majority of the posters are.

Also, HE is the one who is questioning her as relationship material. Those are his words, I'm echoing them back at him.

As Big Bag of Chips pointed out, this guy knew about her past before he started sleeping with her. Of course it is hypocritical to think it's okay to have sex with someone who slept with your friends but then to question her as good relationship material based on that same fact.

If I met someone great but didn't want to do a long distance relationship does that mean I don't think they are relationship material?

No. Not being relationship material is wen there is something about the person themselves that blocks a relationship. In this case he has no issue with her or her behaviour so not only did he not say what you're claiming. He does not even imply it.

strandroad

LLMMLL wrote: »

Maybe she would have the same issue with him. But maybe she wouldn't. It's really neither here nor there and makes no contribution to resolving the issue .

No it's actually essential to have equal footing as partners. Her past with his friends is seemingly a blocker but otherwise he'd be happy to jump into the relationship despite his own similar past (that he's happy to keep from her). That's immature at best and doesn't bode well at all, even if he got over it now.

Big Bag of Chips

LLMMLL wrote: »

Actually he never said a thing about relationship material.

It's the title of the thread!

Not being relationship material is wen there is something about the person themselves that blocks a relationship. In this case he has no issue with her or her behaviour so not only did he not say what you're claiming. He does not even imply it.

gammin wrote: »

This thing block me a lot and I don't know how to go beyond it, and if I ever will. This makes me feel sorry because I think that I will never meet someone like her.

LLMMLL

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

It's the title of the thread!

oops

But the point still stands. He does not have an issue with her, but with the situation. To me, this is no different from somebody who is unsure whether they can do a long distance relationship.

batmanrobin

LLMMLL wrote: »

If I met someone great but didn't want to do a long distance relationship does that mean I don't think they are relationship material?

No. Not being relationship material is wen there is something about the person themselves that blocks a relationship. In this case he has no issue with her or her behaviour so not only did he not say what you're claiming. He does not even imply it.

You keep saying I'm claiming it. Have you actually bothered to read this thread? Including the title of it?

He is the one claiming to have the problem. The problem, for him, is she's slept with his friends.

He's making her sexual history about her, which it is. Your past is part of you. What most of us are saying, and you seem to be failing to grasp, is that it's hypocritical of him to continue sleeping with her when he feels she might not be relationship material.

She has now told him she is developing feelings for him. This is where a FWB situation ends. You don't continue to sleep with someone when you know they have feelings for you. Especially when your whole reasoning for not wanting a relationship with that person is because of who they've slept with, yet that isn't a big enough reason to stop sleeping with them.

batmanrobin

LLMMLL wrote: »

oops

But the point still stands. He does not have an issue with her, but with the situation. To me, this is no different from somebody who is unsure whether they can do a long distance relationship.

No the point doesn't stand. Your argument is specious.

Keane2baMused

LLMMLL wrote: »

oops

But the point still stands. He does not have an issue with her, but with the situation. To me, this is no different from somebody who is unsure whether they can do a long distance relationship.

You really don't seem to have understood the OP.

He really does have an issue with her. If it was the situation it would be no different to himself and he wouldn't judge.

He's asking if SHE is relationship material because of her sexual history. No more, no less.

dubstarr

Her past is what makes her the person today.Maybe let her go so she can find a man who will treat her right.And not like a dirty secret or a used object.

eviltwin

LLMMLL wrote: »

oops

But the point still stands. He does not have an issue with her, but with the situation. To me, this is no different from somebody who is unsure whether they can do a long distance relationship.

No the issue is her because he's framing it around her. Look at how he's worded it. It's all about whether he should peruse a relationship. Nothing about how to deal with immature apes who might make comments about his girlfriend, no it's a problem focused solely on her despite the fact she's done nothing wrong at all. If his fears are what certain people might say then those individuals are who he needs to be dealing with.

LLMMLL

batmanrobin wrote: »

You keep saying I'm claiming it. Have you actually bothered to read this thread? Including the title of it?

He is the one claiming to have the problem. The problem, for him, is she's slept with his friends.

Exactly. HE is the one claiming to have the problem.

He's making her sexual history about her, which it is. Your past is part of you. What most of us are saying, and you seem to be failing to grasp, is that it's hypocritical of him to continue sleeping with her when he feels she might not be relationship material.

I'm grasping it, I just don't agree. As I have said, many people have concerns about various things early on in a relationship. They don't immediately stop sleeping with someone while they try and figure it out. And if it was any other issue you would not offer the same advice. The main issue for people is that they assume he is judging her for sleeping around, when he explicitly states it about him dealing with other people's opinions.

She has now told him she is developing feelings for him. This is where a FWB situation ends. You don't continue to sleep with someone when you know they have feelings for you. Especially when your whole reasoning for not wanting a relationship with that person is because of who they've slept with, yet that isn't a big enough reason to stop sleeping with them.

That's if you have decided you only want a FWB situation yourself. The OP has asked for advice because he would like more too, if he could get by this issue he has. Completely different to a guy who just wants FWB.

LLMMLL

eviltwin wrote: »

No the issue is her because he's framing it around her. Look at how he's worded it. It's all about whether he should peruse a relationship. Nothing about how to deal with immature apes who might make comments about his girlfriend, no it's a problem focused solely on her despite the fact she's done nothing wrong at all. If his fears are what certain people might say then those individuals are who he needs to be dealing with.

You are correct he doesn't ask how to deal with his friends. Bt he also does not ask how to deal with her, or how to change her in any way. He only mentions himself and his "block" and how to get past this. So he has framed it around himself, not her.

LLMMLL

Keane2baMused wrote: »

You really don't seem to have understood the OP.

He really does have an issue with her. If it was the situation it would be no different to himself and he wouldn't judge.

He's asking if SHE is relationship material because of her sexual history. No more, no less.

But not the part of her sexual history that has anything to do with her personality. Some people like casual sex, others don't, its part of their personality. This is not what he has a problem with. He has a problem with something incidental, who she has slept with.

In the long distance analogy, if I don't want to pursue a relationship with someone from Galway because I dislike people from Galway, then I have a problem with that individual. However, if the reason is that Galway is too far, then its not the person I have an issue with but the situation.

silverbolt

Kenny B wrote: »

Double standards are perfectly acceptable.

Eh? How can i be acceptable to have double standards.

Sorry OP im with the consenus here. youre being a hypocrite and cutting off your nose to spite your face for nothing more than pride.

You like her deal with it. small towns are horrible places at times but that is part and parcel of living in them

JeffKenna

PC brigade out in full force.

It's like any deal breaker in a relationship, it totally depends on you. Everybody has their own deal breakers so just decide if this is one for you or not.

Neyite

Mod:

And time to close. If the OP wants it reopened to discuss his PI more, please contact one of the mod team.