Cheated - [mod warning post 1]

DivingDuck

I find it very odd that people are saying "Don't tell him because it doesn't matter since you weren't serious/it was a new relationship/you broke up afterwards". If it shouldn't matter to her because of those things, then surely it shouldn't matter to him, either?

If someone is withholding this information because they believe sharing it will end the relationship, they are deliberately deceiving someone to keep them in a relationship they would exit if they knew the truth. In my view, that's very wrong, so no wonder your conscience is eating you, OP. Mine would have swallowed me whole by now.

If you tell him, the worst that can happen is the relationship will end and you will have to find someone new. You're young and obviously have no trouble attracting partners, so that doesn't sound like the end of the world to me. There are plenty of fish in the sea, so while this relationship ending will be painful, it's something you can and will get through.

On the other hand, if you keep the secret, there are a host of negative outcomes possible. He could find out from a third party after you've gotten serious, or have children, causing an ugly and painful split for all concerned. You could struggle with the guilt for years and eventually have to spill, resulting in the same. You could suffer from the guilt so badly you try to compensate in the relationship so much that you become completely miserable, or make him miserable through resentment.

Do you think your partner is the type of person who would want to know? If so, are you really okay with building a future knowing that he would want out if he knew the truth?

Unless he's the sort of person who prefers to sweep bad things under the carpet, telling him the truth is the right thing to do. If it's really not a big deal as others have suggested, he will accept it as a stupid early-days mistake from the past and you can put it behind you without the stress and guilt you feel keeping it to yourself. If it is a big deal to him, he deserves to know so that he can make a decision on the reality of the situation rather than a more pleasant lie.

Good luck to you both; it's a rough situation.

1hnr79jr65

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

As far as you were concerned it was a casual thing and if he had gone off with someone then I presume you would of been ok with that so by that logic and without either of you both having a talk about being exclusive then I wouldn't worry about or bring it up as the fact was that you were not in a committed relationship despite wath you think he thought. If it comes up in the future just say that happened when we were not exclusive. Try and forget it as far as I can see you did nothing wrong.

I really don't get this attitude of not being "exclusive" when it suits a person. I would never get into a relationship with anyone unless is was "exclusive" from the start as i would have no intention of being a tester to decide if other party was happy with me, if it didn't work then so be it.

To make a comparrison, you wouldn't go out and buy 2 cars to find out which is best and then in a few weeks time try to return 1 of them with damaged headlight cos you didn't feel it suited you.

The OP cheated on this guy, end of story. She is trying to play victim for her emotions, what about this guys emotions, feelings, self value?

It is clear the OP does not repsect the guy otherwise by now she would have done the right thing and tell him and let him make a determination if he wants to carry on a relationship built on lies.

To the OP, if it was a fella that cheated on you chances are you may have broken up with him already after founding out, cos he couldn't keep it in his pants.

How about showing the lad some respect, tell him what happened and accept the consequences of the outcome and stop worrying about your feelings, he did nothing wrong so its his feelings in jeopardy.

timmy880

The timeline is a bit odd. Ye weren't serious, then this happened, broke up for a week and then have been madly in love ever since. It suits the casual nature of this act. I'm being cynical for a Monday morning but it doesn't really add up.

Yellow pack crisps

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

without either of you both having a talk about being exclusive then I wouldn't worry about or bring it up as the fact was that you were not in a committed relationship despite wath you think he thought.

Do people actually have a 'talk about being exclusive' ? I have seen it on American Rom Coms but have never come across it in an Irish context.
Until relatively recently the idea of even dating 2 people at once would have been taboo.
Not judging the OP btw. But personally this would be something that would niggle at me for the duration of the relationship. Eventually it would come out. I would think now rather than 4 years time would be best.

I don't know why you are bringing American rom coms into it or Irish context. The word exclusive is not the result of either. Usually two people don't start of in a relationship and there is a period between and that period is for deeming if its right for the two people to start a relationship and before lets use language that everyone understands here they have 'The talk' and they agree to enter into a relationship and all that comes with a relationship. But until that talk then either was pretty much free to do as they wanted. The guilt is just an emotion and to give an example of its sometimes ludicrous sentiments after I ended a relationship and two months after I ended it I asked a lady out on a date and all throughout that date I felt guilty like I was cheating on my now ex GF. The OP did nothing wrong on her BF he was not her BF at the time. She feels guilt because now she loves him and her emotions are different. IF she cheated on him then I would be the first to say tell him but the fact is and according to what she posted here then they were not BF and Gf but just in that phrase of getting to know each other.

Dr Strange

Leaving aside the boyfriend's possible reaction if you were to tell him now or years later, the main thing is how do you feel about it?

You said you feel guilty now, rightly or wrongly, but is this something you can forget and put out of your mind or is it something that will stay buried but will always simmer under the surface for you?

The problem I can see here is the possibility of not being completely happy and content in future if this is always in the back of your mind, it'll stay there and turn up in your thoughts in the most unexpected moments. Will it grow or just lie dormant? I know that if it was me it would always be somewhere in my mind and would colour every aspect of my relationship.

ManOfMystery

Life isn't black and white. We don't all fall immediately in love on the first date with someone, and instantly enter into a committed and monogamous relationship from the very first time we go out with them. Many couples who started off on a date were also going on dates with other people whilst seeing how things progressed, and before they became exclusive.

People need to accept there are grey areas.

In this instance, your feelings on the relationship were that it was a quite casual one at that point. You hadn't been dating exclusively for years; you had been seeing each other for a number of weeks when the indiscretion occurred, and since then your feelings for your partner have grown considerably and you state (honestly, I assume) that you would never do this again. This is not the same situation as someone cheating on a partner whom they have been with for years; in that instance, I would tell the person to admit it and/or leave them as they obviously don't love their partner or feel the same as they used to. When your situation occurred, you hadn't even reached that point with your partner yet. That for me is an obvious grey area because it was so early on. You're not a serial cheater.

I think there is nothing to gain here by telling him other than to relieve yourself of whatever guilt you are feeling. It's unlikely (not impossible, but unlikely) that he'll find out about this from other sources, and telling him would potentially throw away a very happy future for you both. None of us can say how exactly he would react, but why rock the boat at all? You have obviously made a big effort since then to change drinking habits and so on to avoid falling into a similar situation again, and I think that needs to be noted.

The question is whether you can write this off in your head and move on. And to do that, you need to stop dwelling on the past and focus on building your relationship even stronger than it is and looking to the future.

Dixie Chick

I am in two minds on this one. Something that a poster above said struck a chord with me- by not telling because you know it could end is deceiving the person.

However, I know the effect that cheating has on a person be it minor or major. It never really goes away. There is a hole left where you innocence used to be. There are many people can get past it, but it wont be easy for them in anyway. It is such a hard thing.

What I would say though is that you do seem genuinely sorry and you are in love with this guy. I just dont know...be straight and let them feel that pain and I assure you its horrific, or always have it in your head esp seeing as this guy is known to a cousin.

leggo

People are making this quite personal and being very judgemental. Life doesn't work that way. As someone above said, there's a grey area when you just start seeing someone and are figuring things out. Expand on that OP if you wouldn't mind? Did you actually sit down and have a talk and agree to be 'exclusive'? Like I can tell you when and where my current girlfriend and I were when we agreed that, so anything after that counts as cheating. If you did this after that discussion, that changes things.

For all the people saying that she needs to tell him because it'd be a big deal, I know that in the grey area stage of my own relationship that it's quite possible my girlfriend kissed or texted or dated other guys. And I don't want to know a thing about any of it because that knowledge could eat me up inside and ruin things when I really didn't have any 'claim' of exclusivity on her then. So different people have different attitudes about this stuff and you can't advise someone based off your own personal biases.

I'm not going to moralise with you because every relationship and situation is unique, especially at the start. The only way you can judge what is right and wrong and fair here is to reverse the roles: if he kissed and performed and received oral sex with another girl on the exact same night as you did (therefore at the exact same stage), how would you feel? Imagine you were sitting at home by yourself that night and not out with this other guy, happy in your 'relationship', and he was out doing that. Would you be mad? Would it change things? Would you want to know now? Would you break-up with him over it?

If you would want to know and it would change things, you have to treat him with the same respect as you'd want yourself and deal with the consequences. If you feel it would've been okay for him to do the same (and try not to rationalise and make excuses here because you did it), then it was okay for you to do it and you can remove this misdeed from your conscience.

Willie Stroker 1976

leggo wrote: »

People are making this quite personal and being very judgemental. Life doesn't work that way. As someone above said, there's a grey area when you just start seeing someone and are figuring things out. Expand on that OP if you wouldn't mind? Did you actually sit down and have a talk and agree to be 'exclusive'? Like I can tell you when and where my current girlfriend and I were when we agreed that, so anything after that counts as cheating. If you did this after that discussion, that changes things.

For all the people saying that she needs to tell him because it'd be a big deal, I know that in the grey area stage of my own relationship that it's quite possible my girlfriend kissed or texted or dated other guys. And I don't want to know a thing about any of it because that knowledge could eat me up inside and ruin things when I really didn't have any 'claim' of exclusivity on her then. So different people have different attitudes about this stuff and you can't advise someone based off your own personal biases.

I'm not going to moralise with you because every relationship and situation is unique, especially at the start. The only way you can judge what is right and wrong and fair here is to reverse the roles: if he kissed and performed and received oral sex with another girl on the exact same night as you did (therefore at the exact same stage), how would you feel? Imagine you were sitting at home by yourself that night and not out with this other guy, happy in your 'relationship', and he was out doing that. Would you be mad? Would it change things? Would you want to know now? Would you break-up with him over it?

If you would want to know and it would change things, you have to treat him with the same respect as you'd want yourself and deal with the consequences. If you feel it would've been okay for him to do the same (and try not to rationalise and make excuses here because you did it), then it was okay for you to do it and you can remove this misdeed from your conscience.

I think this is the best answer your going to get.

dudara

@andekwarhola & FortySeven - I have deleted your posts as they were not offering any advice or help to the OP. Please read the forum charter before posting again.

dudara

SarahMollie

I have to agree with Leggo, some people are being extremely idealistic and judgmental here. We don't know much about the beginning of their relationship, other than that this happened after 2 months. Reading between the lines, this sounds like a bit of a slow burner to me, so maybe they'd only met up about 5/6 times in that 2 month period, as the OP was a bit unsure of her feelings. Who knows?

I know in any relationship I've ever had, we've definitely had the talk around whether or not things are going further. Before that its more like dating. I think in most cases, or ideally at least both parties will naturally have stopped any interest in any other people by that point. I know that I've had other dates in the very early days of what went on to be relationships. TBF, it was never oral sex after dating a guy for 2 months, more like a cinema date after knowing a guy 2 weeks, but still.

Logically I know that people shouldnt really be upset before they've made any promises to each other, but in these scenarios, logic doesnt always come into it. Once you tell him OP, he can't then "unknow" this. Whilst you can somewhat justify yourself, it takes the blissful ignorance away.

The time to tell him about this was before you got back together, where you could have said, we've only been dating up to now, but made no commitment, but lets not make that commitment and have a fresh start. That window is now long gone, so I suggest keep this to yourself. Yes you could unburden your conscience by telling him, but you're only transferring the burden really. No good can come of it at this point.

Magicmatilda

I think you need to tell him. Not for any moral reasons, although there are moral reasons but moreso because 10 months on this is something that you are still wrangling with and asking people on boards about. I suspect if you could have just moved on you would have. It seems that keeping this secret is eating your conscience. I know for me if I feel I am being dishonest with someone it impacts on the relationship, I am on edge all the time. If this is the case for you then you realistically cannot sustain that for the rest of your life. If the relationship was as casual as you thought then he should be able to forgive, although the waiting 10 months to tell him might be a dealbreaker. It would be for me.

Also having to stop drinking and partying, why? If you drink will you cheat again? Seems a strong reaction.

If your drinking was a problem have you had any help with that?

Deedeemazzy

Look at the likes/thanks on the comments here.. says it all really..
You can always whack him with the info if he pisses you off..
I would personally keep it for a golden moment in the future..
... but then I'm almost 40 and I'm nobody's biatch..
Seriously though, I have no idea why you are worried about something that was at the start of only getting to know him plus you broke up already after it...
But if it is getting to you, then tell him... but think about what his reaction might be first..
tell him now, would he throw what you have together away just for that?
tell him 10 yrs from now, what would he do then?
All the best whatever you decided x

SarahMollie

Rereg wrote: »

...

He's already entered the relationship with her.

As I said in my last post, there was a window when maybe she could have told him about this while minimizing the impact, but now theres not only the act but the fact that she's kept it to herself for a year.

Its clearly not an ideal situation but once she tells him, theres no going back. In much the same way as is unwise for couples to talk about their sexual past with each other, I think at this point, it would do more harm than good. Theres a huge difference to hearing something like this when you're not yet that invested in a relationship, versus when you're a year in.

Once he hears it, it will plant a seed of doubt, whether justified or unjustified, and the likelihood is that it will be corrosive to their relationship.

They hadn't spoken about exclusivity when all this happened so technically she hasn't done anything wrong, but I don't think that technicallity will make him feel a lot better if she decides to tell him.

Willie Stroker 1976

SarahMollie wrote: »

He's already entered the relationship with her.

As I said in my last post, there was a window when maybe she could have told him about this while minimizing the impact, but now theres not only the act but the fact that she's kept it to herself for a year.

Its clearly not an ideal situation but once she tells him, theres no going back. In much the same way as is unwise for couples to talk about their sexual past with each other, I think at this point, it would do more harm than good. Theres a huge difference to hearing something like this when you're not yet that invested in a relationship, versus when you're a year in.

Once he hears it, it will plant a seed of doubt, whether justified or unjustified, and the likelihood is that it will be corrosive to their relationship.

They hadn't spoken about exclusivity when all this happened so technically she hasn't done anything wrong, but I don't think that technicallity will make him feel a lot better if she decides to tell him.

I have to agree, if you tell him you can kiss the relationship goodbye. Even if he gives things a go, it will never ever be the same. Somethings are best left unsaid.

I've made this decision based on the fact you seem to genuinely regret it and it doesn't sound like this will happen again.

If I thought from your post you had no regrets about the past and if I sensed from the OP that this is something you were going to do again, well then I'd say definitely tell him so he can run a mile. But thats not the case, you messed up, you clearly have learned from it.

Leave it in the past, because NOTHING good will ever come from telling him. Of course he will know the truth as people have said, but it will crush him and destroy any future you guys have.

WinnyThePoo

What where the reasons you gave him for dumping him op? .

SarahMollie

Rereg wrote: »

...

This is a prime example of being judgmental and moralizing the whole situation.

The OP herself admits that this is a grey area, and as I said, whilst logically something shouldn't matter, when feelings are involved, its hard to take a logical view.

Your advice would likely end her relationship, but you're being so casual about it.

Willie Stroker 1976

Rereg wrote: »

...

I get where you are coming from but this is much easier said than done and to be honest a silly move in my opinion. Nothing will be the same ever again. It's over and done with, never to be repeated.

She's learned from it, I genuinely don't think its something she would do again. Bury it now and leave it behind.

Just my opinion. But As they say opionions are like arseholes.. And so on

Xterminator

in my opinion you would be selfish to tell him.

you would be unburdening yourself, while hurting him. and running the risk of ruining the relationship. for what? so you can ease your conscience?

X

ManOfMystery

Rereg wrote: »

...

He'll have respect sure. But he'll lose the happiness he has. Is that worth it?

At this point in time, he's happy. She's happy (bar this guilt). She's not a serial cheater, it was a one-off and she has stated it will never happen again. If she was a serial cheater, then telling him the truth would possibly save him future grief, and would be helpful - but that's not the situation we're looking at here.

What is there to gain by telling him? The relationship may fall apart, and if it doesn't, it may be changed forever - and not in a good way. Telling him may possibly alleviate her guilt, but if the relationship ends then that guilt will be replaced by a similarly despairing feeling of loss instead - and the feeling of guilt over an indiscretion will be swapped for guilt over causing the relationship to end. There is no good outcome where everyone rejoices in knowing the truth.

As has been said already in this thread, sometimes it's better to leave things unsaid. What good is there in being truthful when it will only leave everyone involved feeling distressed?

Yellow pack crisps

Rereg wrote: »

...

Of course there would be a problem! Let's recap the OP WAS NOT in a relationship at the time of this fling. She had not built up the emotional feelings she has for her BF now and she should not have to divulge that Info to him now as it was none of his business. Would you tell a SO about flings you had prior to becoming a couple?

OP you are an adult and you are allowed to do what you like sexually once it's consenting between adults. The fact is you were not in a relationship at the time and you have no reason to discuss this further with anyone or feel guilty. You feel like you have met the love of your life and that's great and go enjoy every moment and deal with problems when they arise.

Willie Stroker 1976

Rereg wrote: »

...

But why? Why should they break up and move on? They were hardly together a wet week and its not going to happen again from what we can make of her posts. Let it go, let it go.

ManOfMystery

Rereg wrote: »

..

If you and your now-wife were in the early weeks of your relationship, had not yet had any talk about it being exclusive between you, she fooled around with someone else and she brought it up years later - you'd drop her in a second? Wow.

For what it's worth, I found out about 2yrs into our relationship that my now-wife had kissed another guy when we were in the early stages of dating. I never gave it a second thought. We weren't exclusive, and I had no right to read her any kind of riot act 2yrs later because of any insecurities I might have had. It's nothing to do with respect or trust - those were the relationship boundaries at that time.

WinnyThePoo

Mmmm....

I feel sorry for the guy.

Starts a new relationship ...gets dumped out of the blue...girl comes back... Doesn't have a clue why she dumped him.

Rekop dog

Not sure why every keeps assuming they weren't exclusive. OP never said that, in fact hints more that they were in a post of hers saying he thought they were, so must have been some sort of conversation to lead him to think that. You don't break up with someone you're non exclusive with either, you stop casually dating, the term break up alone suggests it was a relationship.

SarahMollie

Ontherise wrote: »

I've been with my boyfriend for a year. We are both in our twenties. At the beginning our relationship started out very casually. We had only met up a handful of times and didn't really know each other. I wasn't sure if I was attracted to him a few weeks in so was going to end it. However 8 weeks into our dating I had a one night stand begind his back with a guy I knew briefly. It was a kiss and we had oral sex but didn't sleep together. I haven't seen him since and have no intention of either. I felt awful about it and dumped my boyfriend a few weeks after it but didn't tell him I was with the other guy.

We got back together a week later and since then I love him so much. I could never look at another man and would never ever cheat again. But my conscious is at me and I keep feeling awful at times about what happened. I want to spend the rest of my life with this man and marry him along with having kids as he would be a great father.

Could this mistake destroy things if I told him?

Rekop dog wrote: »

Not sure why every keeps assuming they weren't exclusive. OP never said that, in fact hints more that they were in a post of hers saying he thought they were, so must have been some sort of conversation to lead him to think that. You don't break up with someone you're non exclusive with either, you stop casually dating, the term break up alone suggests it was a relationship.

She says "8 weeks into our dating" not 8 weeks into our relationship. That and the rest I've highlighted above makes me think it was pretty casual and a slow burner up to that point. Wouldnt suggest exclusivity IMO.

She says in another post that in hindsight, he may have thought they were exclusive, but it seems she didnt think of it that way at the time. If they never had an explicit conversation, then its understandable that they may each have viewed the situation differently.

FortySeven

I don't think any man would be happy about the girl he was seeing for 8 weeks 69ing with someone else.

Willie Stroker 1976

FortySeven wrote: »

I don't think any man would be happy about the girl he was seeing for 8 weeks was 69ing with someone else.

Atleast ya tell it how it is lol

Yellow pack crisps

FortySeven wrote: »

I don't think any man would be happy about the girl he was seeing for 8 weeks 69ing with someone else.

I presume you were in the room when it happened to know such specifics? Either that or your mind is just wondering a little too much! Not a nice comment tbh.

Deedeemazzy

After reading all of these possessive and controlling comments I strongly believe you shouldn't tell him until you have a nice reason to hit him with it and don't worry the time will come.
I can't believe the backward attitudes to sex on here. Noone owns my body and I'll be dammed if I ever feel bad for having a good time on a guy I barely know and owe nothing to.
Ridiculous !
You're going on like monogamous relationships are it or you're going to hell. And the comment about 'any man not being happy with his 8 week old dater doing 69 with someone else'.. <Mod Note - snipped - Deedeemazzy read our charter>
😂