Broke up with girlfriend. Feel devastated.

Kirby42

So bit of backstory, I'm a 24 year old guy living in a foreign country where English is not the first language. I'd been dating her for about 9-10 months and last night we decided to go our separate ways. She doesn't speak English, I'm nearly about intermediate in her language.

There were a few reasons:
1. The language barrier is hard at times. This country has a very manly and conservative culture, and I can't always fulfil the role because I'm not fluent in the local lingo. It's frustrating for both of us.
2. She criticised me a bit about random things to the point where I'd just want to be left alone at home for a day or two to chill out.
3. The spark was dying. I wasn't as attracted to her anymore.
4. I don't know if I want to stay in this country or move back to Ireland.
5. She wants me to move in with her and I feel it's too soon.
6. Relationships move quickly here. She wants to be married with kids in two years. I'm not ready for that stuff.

We spoke about it last night like mature adults and decided to go our separate ways. She tried to give me a kiss goodnight on the forehead but I gently declined and that's when it kicked off. She got angry and tried to leave the apartment at 1am in the night. Public transport doesn't work at that time and we don't exactly live in a safe city. I refused to let her leave, she slept in my bedroom and I slept in the kitchen.

This morning she left. A lot of her stuff is still here. I'm flying home to Ireland tomorrow for a holiday I had pre-planned anyways. She's gonna collect her stuff while I'm away. She threw a subtle dig at me as she was leaving. Something along the lines of I hope you just didn't use me to practice the language. Man, that hurt.

I've cried a lot today. She was a really special girl, very smart and very beautiful. I'm gonna miss her like hell. I can't imagine a future without her but at the same time I know life together mightn't be exactly peachy either.

I sent her a message this morning saying that I'm sorry we parted on such bad terms and that I loved her and will always care for her. She replied saying that she 'thinks' she loved me too but that there are thoughts in her head that all this was was a holiday romance. I've been here for 1 year working my butt off, been with her for near 10 months. That reply really hurt me. I've never experienced such rage and such sorrow simultaneously. Proper devastated, I have tears in my eyes as I write this. I replied that I felt we had something more and that was that.

I'm crushed. I deleted all our photos and messages. I have gifts from her that I don't know what to do with. My favourite dress of hers is hanging in my wardrobe and it hurts so much to even look at it. Her beautiful voice is stuck in my head. Thinking of our adventures and silly games, nicknames and rhymes together makes me want to die knowing that it's gone and over.

I don't know if there's a chance we'll get back together in the future or if it's even a good idea. My heart is absolutely broken.

sheepgobaba

From your reasons you give it sounds like you made the right decision to be honest so try focus on that, I've been there missing all the good stuff it's heartbreaking, but it gets easier

Ursus Horribilis

You've also started at least two other threads here about her. So along with all the good stuff, this relationship has caused you anxiety. Did she ever get over the incident where she was convinced that you'd cheated on her?

From what I can see, there were a lot of warning signs in this relationship. She seems to be a person who's fond of giving digs. That to me is a nasty character trait. It affected you too - you're only going out with her 9-10 months and already her digs have been making you want to get some space away from her. you also said the spark was dying. It looks like this had run its course.

If someone gets involved with someone from another country or another culture, there are always going to be sacrifices and compromises made. I know of two couples who split because they couldn't agree on what country to live in. One was a married couple with kids. So if you've got doubts on that front, it is better to split up now before things get more complicated.

Come home to Ireland for your holiday and chat to someone if you can. A trusted friend or family member. It's probably just as well that the holiday has come along now because it'll give you time and space to think about this better. Also, be careful not to have some "breakup sex" with her in the meantime. I take it she's still not on the pill.

Kirby42

She's a nice girl, really. I'm far from perfect myself. Some of the digs are warranted I'm sure.
She's popping by in an hour to get some of her stuff. I'll be here... What to do...

Ursus Horribilis

Don't have sex with her, whatever you do. And no, I am not trolling.

Tell me how

Kirby42 wrote:

She's a nice girl, really. I'm far from perfect myself. Some of the digs are warranted I'm sure. She's popping by in an hour to get some of her stuff. I'll be here... What to do...

Don't be there. She can drop the key in the letter box.

Go away for the weekend, if you can. If not, maybe a day trip to distract yourself.

Read point 3 from your OP 100 times.

Don't change your mind.

Ursus Horribilis

Tell me how wrote: »

Don't be there. She can drop the key in the letter box.
.

Better idea. And take away with you anything of value, including your passport. You really don't know what frame of mind she'll be in.

Ursus Horribilis

You'd not be human if you weren't devastated. Especially as you love this girl, despite the nasty side to her. So what if you're no angel yourself. That still does not warrant those digs. You don't deserve them and you shouldn't have received so many of them you needed to have space. And let's not forget - you weren't as attracted to her as it was. So really, if you can get out of there before she comes, do. You're in a vulnerable place at the moment and you could easily say or do something you shouldn't.

Colser

I can't remember you're other threads but tbh I can see myself throwing the digs about the language/holiday romance if I was in her situation also.Why did you refuse to let her kiss you on the forehead and then text her this morning that you love her and will always care for her?Very mixed messages to be sending her. I'

Kirby42

Colser wrote: »

I can't remember you're other threads but tbh I can see myself throwing the digs about the language/holiday romance if I was in her situation also.Why did you refuse to let her kiss you on the forehead and then text her this morning that you love her and will always care for her?Very mixed messages to be sending her. I'

Technically I said 'loved'. Past tense

Rekop dog

You said you both decided to go your separate ways but her reaction suggests you ended it. I'm not sure what you're expecting from her after that, you've rejected her, she's obviously going to be hurting. You're coming across really insecure imo, despite ending it for pretty valid reasons you seem to want her to vindicate the time you spent together as amazing. You're completely mindfu**ing her imo.

Kirby42

So she came by. We drank tea, we cried, she apologised for being a b**ch (her own words), I apologised too.

We made up, we want to give it another shot. It's been a hard 24 hours for both of us. She said she cried all day and her mother called her an idiot for what she said. It's hard for me to imagine living here without her. Maybe I'm just trying to avoid the heartache? She agreed to take the relationship a bit slower. I'm still going to Ireland tomorrow. The break would be good for both of us. We still want to recapture that passion and spark we had at the start of the relationship though. Is it normal for that to eventually die down with couples? How long does it usually last?

retro:electro

Ah jaysus. Are you one of those people who just breaks up with people to provoke a bit of drama and play games?

Kirby42

anna080 wrote: »

Ah jaysus. Are you one of those people who judy breaks up with people to provoke a bit of drama and play games?

No.

Mongfinder General

Kirby42 wrote: »

She's a nice girl, really. I'm far from perfect myself. Some of the digs are warranted I'm sure.
She's popping by in an hour to get some of her stuff. I'll be here... What to do...

That's bull**** man. You were on the front line. It's as much on her as it is on you. Love will make you do fcuked up things...

zoobizoo

You don't speak the same language, she criticises you a lot, you aren't attracted to her anymore and the spark is gone......

........ and you want to give it another go to ...... what you have there is the "I love you and because I said it, it means that we can get through this" mentality...

Because saying "I love you" far outweighs the facts: You don't speak the same language, she criticises you a lot, you aren't attracted to her anymore and the spark is gone......


When you do eventually break up again, and at some stage when you're going out with someone with whom you can communicate with, who doesn't criticise you all the time and who you are attracted to, you'll look back and figure out for yourself why it never worked out between you.

Save yourself the delay and finish it now.

Ursus Horribilis

I just KNEW this was going to happen. Bad bad decision Kirby. Don't get her pregnant for god's sake.

Kirby42

Even if I sound like an immature idiot to a lot of you, I appreciate your advice so thank you.

Maybe you folks are right about things. I hope that you're wrong.

She bought a new apartment and it'll be ready for living around the same time I return from Ireland in 2.5 weeks. She's gonna stay at my place in the meantime. This was our original plan and it's good, because being homeless in this country would be a nightmare. I leave tomorrow. We'll see how we deal with being apart for a short time.

silverharp

whatever you do think with your big brain. Is she an EU passport holder? If not at least mull over whether she might think you are her ticket to the west which is not a good reason to be with someone. Also if you can only see yourself married at 30 say and she is culturally geared for it to be as soon as possible stay safe with regards contraception and have control on your side.
I'd see the language thing as being an issue , if you want to come back to Ireland it sounds like you would be expected to support her as she wouldn't be able to work. its kind of hard to get started in somewhere like Dublin on one salary. And otherwise consider what is good for your career, can you make it in her country or would you have to settle and do something outside your training?

Ursus Horribilis

What I don't get is why
1. You are less attracted to her than you were.
2. She makes so many digs at you that you have to get away for space.
3. You aren't sure if you want to continue living in her country.
4. There's a language barrier.
5. She has marriage in her sights. You're not ready
6. Are you really that happy in her country?
7. She's not on the pill. Beware of Baby Kirbys. I'm not joking or trolling.

Be very very careful. You got back with her out of loneliness and desperation. I hope you don't live to regret this.

Dravokivich

So... she gets a free place to stay while you're away?

Ursus Horribilis

Kirby42 wrote: »

I leave tomorrow. We'll see how we deal with being apart for a short time.

Well, it means you won't be miserable on your holiday home, won't it! What a waste that'd be.

zoobizoo

I think many of us have been in relationships where we think "why isn't this working?...... we love each other"



It's convenient for you that she is moving into a new apartment.


Is part of the problem here you being fearful of being in a foreign country with no one close to you there? What happens if you break up - you;ve said yourself that you'd be homeless. Will I have to move home? What will that mean?

Kirby42

silverharp wrote: »

whatever you do think with your big brain. Is she an EU passport holder? If not at least mull over whether she might think you are her ticket to the west which is not a good reason to be with someone. Also if you can only see yourself married at 30 say and she is culturally geared for it to be as soon as possible stay safe with regards contraception and have control on your side.
I'd see the language thing as being an issue , if you want to come back to Ireland it sounds like you would be expected to support her as she wouldn't be able to work. its kind of hard to get started in somewhere like Dublin on one salary. And otherwise consider what is good for your career, can you make it in her country or would you have to settle and do something outside your training?

She's not an EU passport holder and the thought of leaving her country terrifies her so I'd like to banish any ideas about an EU ticket right now.

We are very safe with regards birth control. 30 is just a number I have in my head for marriage cause that's when my parents got married. They were together for 3 years.

I'm trying to teach her English and she understands it's importance.

To be honest, after looking at rent prices recently in Dublin I don't think I'll be living there anytime in the near future.

I have the experience and qualifications necessary to make a decent living in this country. Nothing as good as Ireland of course, but decent.

zoobizoo

How fluent are you in her language?

Ursus Horribilis

Being "terrified" of leaving her home country translates as never going to leave. So if you have any doubts whatsoever of living forever in a foreign country far from home, in a culture that you have trouble with and living day to day with a foreign language, don't do anything to tie you to there. Parking it for a year or two is naive in the extreme.

Kirby42

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

What I don't get is why
1. You are less attracted to her than you were.
2. She makes so many digs at you that you have to get away for space.
3. You aren't sure if you want to continue living in her country.
4. There's a language barrier.
5. She has marriage in her sights. You're not ready
6. Are you really that happy in her country?
7. She's not on the pill. Beware of Baby Kirbys. I'm not joking or trolling.

Be very very careful. You got back with her out of loneliness and desperation. I hope you don't live to regret this.

1. I don't know either.
2. She acknowledges this and wants to change. Some of these digs are warranted I assure you and I deserve them.
3. We're both aware of this. It's a fear.
4. It's easier every day.
5. She doesn't want to be married until 2018 at least. That's quite some time.
6. This is the most beautiful city in the world. But life here is proper tough at times.
7. Not every woman reacts well to the pill. But we are safe and responsible with other methods.

kylith

Why would she be homeless? She has a family. Couldn't they put her up for a fortnight?

Kirby42

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Being "terrified" of leaving her home country translates as never going to leave. So if you have any doubts whatsoever of living forever in a foreign country far from home, in a culture that you have trouble with and living day to day with a foreign language, don't do anything to tie you to there. Parking it for a year or two is naive in the extreme.

I was terrified of leaving Ireland too, but I did it. Under no circumstances will I live here for the rest of my life. She knows that and she doesn't want to stay here forever either. But for now, it's her home and she's happy.

Kirby42

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Being "terrified" of leaving her home country translates as never going to leave. So if you have any doubts whatsoever of living forever in a foreign country far from home, in a culture that you have trouble with and living day to day with a foreign language, don't do anything to tie you to there. Parking it for a year or two is naive in the extreme.

I was terrified of leaving Ireland too, but I did it. Under no circumstances will I live here for the rest of my life. She knows that and she doesn't want to stay here forever either. But for now, it's her home and she's happy.

Kirby42

kylith wrote: »

Why would she be homeless? She has a family. Couldn't they put her up for a fortnight?

They live on the other side of the world. She's only been in this city for 2 months longer than I have.