what should I do about this situation?

LegacyUser

With my boyfriend 5 months now and we have never had a night out. He goes out with his mates every few weeks but never asks me and when I ask him he always says no. I have told him how it upsets me because my (abusive) ex used to never take me out either and actually asked me not to talk to him if we were in the same place! I asked (current bf) to come out for one drink Sat night just to meet friend of mine and he said no so I got mad with him. But then he went out yesterday with the lads only for "a few" but didn't get home until all hours. Have I right to be mad or am I overreacting?

ellie1

Why are you with someone like this? He doesn't want to go out and socialize with you. How did you meet or where do you meet?

jigglypuffstuff

guestalicious wrote: »

With my boyfriend 5 months now and we have never had a night out. He goes out with his mates every few weeks but never asks me and when I ask him he always says no. I have told him how it upsets me because my (abusive) ex used to never take me out either and actually asked me not to talk to him if we were in the same place! I asked (current bf) to come out for one drink Sat night just to meet friend of mine and he said no so I got mad with him. But then he went out yesterday with the lads only for "a few" but didn't get home until all hours. Have I right to be mad or am I overreacting?

You're overreacting imo...I know plenty of guys who only do the pub thing with their friends and not their girlfriend

However, I imagine (or rather, hope) he does other things with you? (go places, activities etc)

LegacyUser

I understand people need their lads/girls nights.. but to never ever go out together regardless of the situation makes me feel so bad

Big Bag of Chips

pone2012 wrote: »

You're overreacting imo...I know plenty of guys who only do the pub thing with their friends and not their girlfriend

guestalicious wrote: »

With my boyfriend 5 months now and we have never had a night out.

You're not overreacting. You're also not in a relationship. How do you date someone, or start a relationship without ever having a night out together? There have been similar posts here recently, and the consensus is the boyfriend wants a "girlfriend", without actually having a girlfriend that he has to do anything with. How old is he? I'm assuming if he's in the pub he's older than 13?

Wanting a night out with your boyfriend is not unreasonable.

What you do about it is up to you. You either accept it, or you don't.

LegacyUser

I'm guessing that your previous experience has left with lowered expectations, low confidence and some inability to discern poor treatment, because this is shabby. You're not overreacting at all, you're actually not reacting enough. If you have a reasonable demand in a relationship, such as socialising normally together, and that need is not being met, then you're entitled to spell it out as a condition of the relationship continuing and you're entitled to consider the future of the relationship if it is still not being met. You're not asking for much and it's a perfectly reasonable need, so don't be made to feel you shouldn't be asking for it.

jigglypuffstuff

guestalicious1 wrote: »

I understand people need their lads/girls nights.. but to never ever go out together regardless of the situation makes me feel so bad

Why? Do you need to be on a night out with your boyfriend for some reason?? Id be more concerned if you weren't doing things together as a couple...That can be anything

Visiting new places. travelling together, movies, restaurants, family events...if none of those were happening then id be concerned

Nights out dont have to be mutual...perhaps he uses that time as his time away from you...engaging with his friends etc

Big Bag of Chips

pone2012 wrote: »

Why? Do you need to be on a night out with your boyfriend for some reason??....


Nights out dont have to be mutual...perhaps he uses that time as his time away from you...engaging with his friends etc

OP, I don't get the impression that you "need" to be on a night out with your bf. You've not been on one for 5 months, so it's hardly a "need". But I totally understand that you might "like" to go on a night out with him (with or without his friends) and that is different, and perfectly reasonable.

I also assume you're young, and don't live together, so maybe his need to be "away from you" isn't really relevant. It doesn't sound like you live in each other's pockets. There's a very big chance that he spends more time "engaging with his friends" than he does you.

Look, it's obvious from your bf's attitude and from what pone2012 says that it's now an acceptable thing to not want to go out with your gf (seems to be only boys insisting on it!) so... your bf is allowed not want to go out with you. Your allowed to want to go out with your bf, so it looks like you're going to have to find one who is ok with going on nights out with you.

I wouldn't have thought it was a big ask!!

jigglypuffstuff

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

OP, I don't get the impression that you "need" to be on a night out with your bf. You've not been on one for 5 months, so it's hardly a "need". But I totally understand that you might "like" to go on a night out with him (with or without his friends) and that is different, and perfectly reasonable.

I also assume you're young, and don't live together, so maybe his need to be "away from you" isn't really relevant. It doesn't sound like you live in each other's pockets. There's a very big chance that he spends more time "engaging with his friends" than he does you.

Look, it's obvious from your bf's attitude and from what pone2012 says that it's now an acceptable thing to not want to go out with your gf (seems to be only boys insisting on it!) so... your bf is allowed not want to go out with you. Your allowed to want to go out with your bf, so it looks like you're going to have to find one who is ok with going on nights out with you.

I wouldn't have thought it was a big ask!!

You fail to see the key thing i mentioned...PROVIDED THERE ARE OTHER, MORE COUPLE FOCUSED ACTIVITIES REGULARLY BEING ENGAGED IN

The reason i gave is a perfectly valid one....some guys dont play soccer with their friends, or do other activities...as such they may go out with their friends as their own social outlet..

OP doesnt necessarily need to find anyone new..clarity and context are important factors here...hence the reason i asked are other activities being engaged in regulary

Not everyone has to conform to your standard of what is and is not acceptable behaviour in a relationship..there are many ways of coexisting

and for what its worth, i dont drink, i havent in a very long time....ive point blank refused to go to any pub/club with my previous partners and not one of them ever took issue with it...I dont drink, therefore have no business in that environment...and whats more...i never even had to explain that much

So no, nothing is obvious from what ive stated..

Big Bag of Chips

pone2012 wrote: »

i dont drink, i havent in a very long time....ive point blank refused to go to any pub/club with my previous partners and not one of them ever took issue with it...I dont drink, therefore have no business in that environment...and whats more...i never even had to explain that much

Different situations, you don't want to go on nights out with your partners. OP wants to go and is being told she's not allowed. She has invited her bf out with her and he's refused. Not because he doesn't drink, but because he doesn't want to go out with her.

Not wanting her to go out with his friends is one thing. All relationships take compromise, and in this situation I think (as does the OP, who is the important person.. it doesn't actually matter what you or I think!) if the bf doesn't want OP going out on his nights out, the compromise should be that he joins her on occasional nights out (either with or without her friends)

If he's not willing to compromise, and OP, you're not happy to be told "no" at every turn, then what me or anyone else thinks is reasonable is irrelevant. You're not compatible, and there's no compromise... Compromise takes 2 people compromising, not just 1!!

jigglypuffstuff

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Different situations, you don't want to go on nights out with your partners. OP wants to go and is being told she's not allowed. She has invited her bf out with her and he's refused. Not because he doesn't drink, but because he doesn't want to go out with her.

Not wanting her to go out with his friends is one thing. All relationships take compromise, and in this situation I think (as does the OP, who is the important person.. it doesn't actually matter what you or I think!) if the bf doesn't want OP going out on his nights out, the compromise should be that he joins her on occasional nights out (either with or without her friends)

And you see this as an incompatibility? Sorry but for all reasons for a relationship to break down....this, imo is a highly trivial one

In any event, OP from a guys perspective id consider it overreacting...id imagine if he ticks all the other boxes...this really isnt worth causing an argument..but hey, each to their own

I wish you the best in resolving the issue

Keane2baMused

pone2012 wrote: »

And you see this as an incompatibility? Sorry but for all reasons for a relationship to break down....this, imo is a highly trivial one

In any event, OP from a guys perspective id consider it overreacting...id imagine if he ticks all the other boxes...this really isnt worth causing an argument..but hey, each to their own

I wish you the best in resolving the issue

You see no issue with someone's other half point blank refusing to allow his girlfriend to join him on a night out and also never inviting them?


Wow.

daisybelle2008

guestalicious wrote: »

With my boyfriend 5 months now and we have never had a night out. He goes out with his mates every few weeks but never asks me and when I ask him he always says no.
I have told him how it upsets me because my (abusive) ex used to never take me out either and actually asked me not to talk to him if we were in the same place!

didn't get home until all hours.

Have I right to be mad or am I overreacting?

guestalicious1 wrote: »

.. but to never ever go out together regardless of the situation makes me feel so bad

You went out with someone that didn't let you talk to him in social situations and you still seem far to vulnerable and unsure of yourself and not really got your confidence with men and relationships. You do not seem to be able to trust your own feelings or reactions and have confidence in them. Did you rush into this? Are you living with this guy?

LegacyUser

no we are not living together and he does drink and go out with his mates.I understand "lads nights" but when other lads and other girls are there I would like to go and mingle with them too and even bring a friend of mine. he didnt even ask me out for his birthday which really hurt.

leggo

pone2012 wrote: »

You fail to see the key thing i mentioned...PROVIDED THERE ARE OTHER, MORE COUPLE FOCUSED ACTIVITIES REGULARLY BEING ENGAGED IN

The reason i gave is a perfectly valid one....some guys dont play soccer with their friends, or do other activities...as such they may go out with their friends as their own social outlet..

OP doesnt necessarily need to find anyone new..clarity and context are important factors here...hence the reason i asked are other activities being engaged in regulary

Not everyone has to conform to your standard of what is and is not acceptable behaviour in a relationship..there are many ways of coexisting

and for what its worth, i dont drink, i havent in a very long time....ive point blank refused to go to any pub/club with my previous partners and not one of them ever took issue with it...I dont drink, therefore have no business in that environment...and whats more...i never even had to explain that much

So no, nothing is obvious from what ive stated..

Your contribution feels very personal, like this has hit a nerve or something, and you're glossing over/ignoring things the OP has said to make the point you seem determined to make. She said they've never done anything together. She's said she's asked him and he's refused.

These are the obvious signs something is up. If you want something - anything at all - but your partner doesn't, that's a sign of incompatibility, simple as. If you want something as basic as 'spending time in social situations with your partner' and they don't, that's a big problem.

Augme

OP it would help if you gave more details. What exactly do you spend your time doing together? There's a difference between never having a night out vs never doing things together. A night out to some people might be a restaurant and a drink or two after, while to others a night out might mean a nightclub/late bar.

jigglypuffstuff

Keane2baMused wrote: »

You see no issue with someone's other half point blank refusing to allow his girlfriend to join him on a night out and also never inviting them?


Wow.

Absolutley none, provided other , meaningful activities are being regularly engaged in...

leggo wrote: »

Your contribution feels very personal, like this has hit a nerve or something, and you're glossing over/ignoring things the OP has said to make the point you seem determined to make. She said they've never done anything together. She's said she's asked him and he's refused.

These are the obvious signs something is up. If you want something - anything at all - but your partner doesn't, that's a sign of incompatibility, simple as. If you want something as basic as 'spending time in social situations with your partner' and they don't, that's a big problem.

Theres nothing personal about it...The OP did not once state they never do anything together....rather she specifically said they do not go on nights out together....so i gave a specific response

I dont see it as an issue provided they do other, less trivial things together....nights out aren't the backbone of any relationship.

You're entitled to an opinion, just as I am.

Augme wrote: »

OP it would help if you gave more details. What exactly do you spend your time doing together? There's a difference between never having a night out vs never doing things together. A night out to some people might be a restaurant and a drink or two after, while to others a night out might mean a nightclub/late bar.

Its amazing how you are the only person to grasp that thus far...a night out could be a trip to the movies, or going to see a show, theatre, anything

leggo

Of course you're entitled to your opinion. But this isn't about you. It's about the OP. And the OP has stated this is a problem for her. So it doesn't matter if you feel nights out are a big issue or not, they clearly are for the OP, and it's her thread so let's focus on the problems she's brought to us rather than you questioning whether they're valid or not. If you don't feel they're valid, don't contribute. Telling her she's wrong for having an issue in her own relationship isn't helping anyone.

Big Bag of Chips

guestalicious1 wrote: »

but to never ever go out together regardless of the situation makes me feel so bad

Sounds like they never, ever go out together. And it makes the OP feel bad.

That's not ok.

It's not like she's demanding expensive gifts and insisting he's not allowed have any friends!

If he never wants her going out with him, fair enough (apparently), but she asked him along for 1 drink when she was meeting a friend, and he said no. It made her feel bad and rejected. That's not ok. Where's the compromise? The fact that something so basic, and easily solved is a problem for her that he is not willing to budge on "regardless of the situation" makes me believe they are not compatible. It's only 5 months in. This is showing a side of his personality that seems very unattractive. It's his way.. and she has to accept that.

He wants his nights out with his friends, without her. Ok. She'd like him to occasionally go along with her for a few drinks (or even one drink). Also ok. The fact that he won't budge is a problem.

It's only 5 months in, OP. At this stage you are supposed to be happy and excited and enjoying your relationship. Are you? if it was a 5 year relationship I'd probably encourage you to try talk to him. See if you could compromise. 5 months? Not worth the effort, I'd say. You are only going to continue to feel bad, and that will affect you.

There are loads of fellas out there who will tick all your boxes, and will be willing to compromise where needed. Don't settle for something that makes you feel bad.

Chancer3001

im surprised nobody has raised the possibility hes "acting single" on these nights out if ya know what i mean.

boys out, cant have the gf cramping his style.

thats what id be most concerned about.

LegacyUser

Mods please post this post, you didn’t post my reply last night.

We do go out to have date nights just not in a pub situation. I want to get to know his friends better, have fun join in is that not normal? Yes I know he needs lads nights im totally ok with that but when other lads have their gfs I wonder why am I not invited. He didn’t even ask me out for his birthday when other girls (friends) were there. At that point I told him how I felt, he didn’t realise how much it hurt. Its only when I asked him to join me for one and declined that brought it back again.

Chancer you make another good point. There has been nights out when there is a new female friend on FB the day after. I do trust that he wouldn’t do anything but still get paranoid. Most recently he became friends with a girl and all his mates liked it and made a comment on it implying that they were together. I know this guy is dope anyway so I don’t know if he was messing or not. Her friend also commented calling her a dog (messing obv). This makes me feel uneasy. I guess I pathetically want to be the girl he brings out and shows off like I see other guys doing, not the one at home

Ursus Horribilis

I think Chancer has hit the nail on the head. He's hiding you away for some reason. Either he wants to pretend to be single or he has another girlfriend on the go.

Emme

gestalicious wrote: »

Mods please post this post, you didn’t post my reply last night.

We do go out to have date nights just not in a pub situation. I want to get to know his friends better, have fun join in is that not normal? Yes I know he needs lads nights im totally ok with that but when other lads have their gfs I wonder why am I not invited. He didn’t even ask me out for his birthday when other girls (friends) were there. At that point I told him how I felt, he didn’t realise how much it hurt. Its only when I asked him to join me for one and declined that brought it back again.

Chancer you make another good point. There has been nights out when there is a new female friend on FB the day after. I do trust that he wouldn’t do anything but still get paranoid. Most recently he became friends with a girl and all his mates liked it and made a comment on it implying that they were together. I know this guy is dope anyway so I don’t know if he was messing or not. Her friend also commented calling her a dog (messing obv). This makes me feel uneasy. I guess I pathetically want to be the girl he brings out and shows off like I see other guys doing, not the one at home

This doesn't look good.

I'm sorry to say this but it looks like he is hiding you away as a sure thing while he is enjoying his lads nights out and acting like he is single. If he didn't include you on his birthday night out it's a very bad sign.

Are you happy to have date nights out with him while he lives the single life on his nights out with the lads? Will you mind if he ends things later because (a) he's met somebody else or (b) he thinks you're getting too serious. Right now he isn't serious about you at all.

It's up to you. Do you want a casual relationship where the guy is passing time and using you as a stopgap while he looks for somebody better or do you want a serious relationship with a future?

If I were you I would cut my losses. There's nothing wrong with being single, it means you're waiting for somebody who treats you properly. This guy is not treating you properly.

jigglypuffstuff

gestalicious wrote: »

Mods please post this post, you didn’t post my reply last night.

We do go out to have date nights just not in a pub situation. I want to get to know his friends better, have fun join in is that not normal? Yes I know he needs lads nights im totally ok with that but when other lads have their gfs I wonder why am I not invited. He didn’t even ask me out for his birthday when other girls (friends) were there. At that point I told him how I felt, he didn’t realise how much it hurt. Its only when I asked him to join me for one and declined that brought it back again.

Chancer you make another good point. There has been nights out when there is a new female friend on FB the day after. I do trust that he wouldn’t do anything but still get paranoid. Most recently he became friends with a girl and all his mates liked it and made a comment on it implying that they were together. I know this guy is dope anyway so I don’t know if he was messing or not. Her friend also commented calling her a dog (messing obv). This makes me feel uneasy. I guess I pathetically want to be the girl he brings out and shows off like I see other guys doing, not the one at home

Sorry OP, this paints a very different picture than the original post imo

I dont see the relevance to a 'pub' situation'....but then I never go to them so i cant really comment

In any event....the above post provides a far greater sense of clarity... rather than inclusion/exclusion this appears to also be about trust and insecurity....and from what you said its somewhat well founded

Id retract what ive said based on socialising....you should take the other posters advice here and probably prepare to walk away...if you're getting paranoid this early its probably a gut feeling

And you should always go with your gut...its related to your flight/flight response and usually wouldn't steer you far wrong

again best of luck there

SarahMollie

OP, do his friends know you or know about you?

Your partner should be happy to be seen with you and proud of your relationship. If this isnt the case then you deserve better.

It sounds like he's treating you like a bit on the side.

Chancer3001

Female friends on Facebook the next day .

Obvious alarm bells should be ringing.

LegacyUser

it was that night they became friends.

and the comment his friend said was "ye two shifted". mature i know but a few people liked it including the girl in question. I know i sound so childish, but I am still worried in a way. I get people liking friendships and tagging people i see it all the time, but comments like that are different. I sound pathetic i know, my mate said they were most likely messing but he still should have taken it down out of respect.

(mods please post)

dudara

OP - it can take time for mods to review and approve your posts, so there is no need to post the same thing multiple times. Please rest assured that they will get posted, but as I said, it may not be straightaway.

Big Bag of Chips

guestilicious wrote: »

my mate said they were most likely messing

What did your bf say?

Sorry, OP, I think you're being taken for a fool. He's out, at the very least, enjoying attention from other girls. Maybe even going further than just enjoying attention. His friends are either incredibly immature, posting untrue things about him and other girls knowing he has a girlfriend. Or, is friends are incredibly immature posting true stuff about him and other girls and don't know he has a girlfriend either.

I think this is a non-runner. You're 5 months in. You shouldn't be dealing with this much arsing around.

dudara

OP - has he ever introduced you to any family or friends? And if so, what did he say about you?

Ursus Horribilis

OP, short of seeing your "boyfriend" shifting someone with your own two eyes, what more evidence do you need? You do realise you are making up an awful lot of excuses to explain it away, don't you?

LegacyUser

Yea iv met family and some friends. It sounds like I'm making excuses but his friend that left the comment is a wild idiot anyway that's why I don't know what to believe. Also why would he leave it up if nothing happened

Big Bag of Chips

You can complicate this as much as you like, and bring as many different factors in as you want. But, it's actually very simple.

Are you happy?
Does he make you happy?

If overall, the answer is 'yes', then carry on.
If overall the answer is 'no', then you really do have options. Discussing it with your bf and seeing if you can come to a compromise that makes you happier is one. If he's not willing to compromise, then you have options. You accept that and carry on, or you don't accept it, and don't carry on.

You're 5 months in. Things that happen now will set a precedence and will become what your relationship is like down the line. No point in being upset about something now, addressing it, nothing changes, and then being even more upset about the same thing in a years time.

Penny Tration

OP, honestly why are you with him?

It's five months. This level of anxiety at 5 months isn't normal. He refuses to go out at night with you or bring you with him, adds girls on Facebook during these nights out and his friends comment about him kissing them. This isn't normal.


Have you said to him "Why is it that other girlfriends come along but you refuse to allow me?" What kind of truthful answer can he give to that?


Maybe your past is making you accept this crap. It's arguably better than the situation you were in with your ex, so I bet you feel like you're overreacting? But just because it's better doesn't mean it's okay. it's not okay, it's not normal behaviour.


He's hiding you. Think about that. There are only two reasons to hide you. A, he's pretending to be single or B, he's ashamed of you. Neither are good!


Lastly, remember that this time is the honeymoon period. The honeymoon period is when you see the best of a person. If this bullish!t is the best, do you really want to stick around and see the worst?

Ursus Horribilis

OP, did you post about this guy a few weeks ago? It sounds familiar, just minus trouble from one of his female friends.

Lady is a tramp

Meh ... I'm going to go against the majority here and say that it's possible you're overreacting. Your ex sounds like an asshole, and it's inevitable that you're going to be influenced by your experience with him.

There are quite a few potential "genuine" reasons for this ... maybe he's had bad experiences with ex-girlfriends not getting on with his friends on nights out. Maybe he prefers quiet nights alone with you and wants to keep his nights out with his friends separate (and in fairness, only going out with them every few weeks isn't excessive.) Maybe he's aware of your insecurities and doesn't want to end up falling out with you if you're jealous of him chatting and messing with his female friends. Lots of maybes, but the only one that can really explain it to you is him. And I mean, as you said, you have met his family and friends ... so it's not like he's ashamed to introduce you.

Personally I wouldn't have a problem with a boyfriend adding female friends on Facebook; the shifting comment though, I wouldn't let that go without asking him about it! To be honest I wouldn't jump to the worst conclusions though ... Ireland is such a small place, he's not going to get away with it for very long if he's cheating on you on nights out without it getting back to you.

If everything else is good in the relationship, and if he treats you well in general, I guess this wouldn't be a major issue for me personally.

timmy880

Lets be real. It's 5 months together, he is hiding you away and there are issues that are already wrecking your head and making you feel bad and insecure. And adding girls on Facebook after a night out?? Sorry but that's rarely innocent. Does he even acknowledge he has a girlfriend when you're not around? Sounds unlikely.

Simple fact is that this is supposed to be the honeymoon period of the relationship where everything is rosy in the garden before ye find out more about each other and things become naturally more challenging over time. If it's wrecking your head already, then best to just move on for your own sanity. People don't change. He doesn't see a problem in his behavior even though its making you this upset already. It sounds like he is just hiding you away so he can act like the single lad when he wants to and massage his ego.

Augme

gestalicious wrote: »

Mods please post this post, you didn’t post my reply last night.

We do go out to have date nights just not in a pub situation. I want to get to know his friends better, have fun join in is that not normal? Yes I know he needs lads nights im totally ok with that but when other lads have their gfs I wonder why am I not invited. He didn’t even ask me out for his birthday when other girls (friends) were there. At that point I told him how I felt, he didn’t realise how much it hurt. Its only when I asked him to join me for one and declined that brought it back again.

Chancer you make another good point. There has been nights out when there is a new female friend on FB the day after. I do trust that he wouldn’t do anything but still get paranoid. Most recently he became friends with a girl and all his mates liked it and made a comment on it implying that they were together. I know this guy is dope anyway so I don’t know if he was messing or not. Her friend also commented calling her a dog (messing obv). This makes me feel uneasy. I guess I pathetically want to be the girl he brings out and shows off like I see other guys doing, not the one at home

Can you give a time-line on all these events? If there's hasn't been a lads night out since his birthday and you got mad because he didn't want to join you and your friend then I'd say you were over-reacting.

LegacyUser

There had been about 3/4 nights following the birthday, including one the day after I asked him to join me

Augme

Guestilicious wrote: »

There had been about 3/4 nights following the birthday, including one the day after I asked him to join me

Best to end it then. He doesn't seem like he's going to change and you're not happy.

Keane2baMused

OP regardless of the rights and wrongs of your relationship you're not happy.

I would have a frank conversation about it with him and if he is not understanding and willing to include you in his life outside of your relationship, then you know he is very unlikely to be a keeper.