Can open relationships work?

ast245543

I've been seeing a guy for a month or so, let's call him Tom. He's in an open relationship which he was honest about from the beginning. My problem is that at first I wasn't bothered and was preparing to end things but the more I see of him, the more I like him. Especially today, I felt that rush of feelings you get when you're starting to fall for someone. I don't want to be a second girlfriend or get hurt. Has anyone been in this situation? Any advice?

ellie1

ast245543 wrote: »

I've been seeing a guy for a month or so, let's call him Tom. He's in an open relationship which he was honest about from the beginning. My problem is that at first I wasn't bothered and was preparing to end things but the more I see of him, the more I like him. Especially today, I felt that rush of feelings you get when you're starting to fall for someone. I don't want to be a second girlfriend or get hurt. Has anyone been in this situation? Any advice?

It depends I suppose on whether you are happy to share this man. If you were in love with him, are you ok with him going going home to his other person?

Then I suppose you have to take into account the terms of his open relationship. Is he married and both partners have other relationships? Are they allowed have sex with others but not be emotionally attached? Are they staying together for financial or parenting reasons? How many previous partners outside his main relationship has he? Can he have his main relationship , you and then take on others? Could he potentially leave his other person if he had feelings for you?

It's really your call on what you are happy with. I couldn't share a man as I would find it too difficult for him to go home and be physically and emotionally intimate with someone else not necessarily out of jealousy/insecurity but more out of it would make what we had feel disingenuous.

fungun

ast245543 wrote: »

Especially today, I felt that rush of feelings you get when you're starting to fall for someone. I don't want to be a second girlfriend or get hurt.

He already has a girlfriend, and now wants to go out with you as well.
You dont want to be a second girlfriend.

Sounds fairly straightforward that this wont work for you.

Ursus Horribilis

They work for some people but the thing is, you don't fall into that bracket. That's as cut and dried as it is, unfortunately.

Meauldsegosha

ast245543 wrote: »

I don't want to be a second girlfriend or get hurt. Has anyone been in this situation? Any advice?

You might be this 3rd or 4th girlfriend. I think you should move on now before you fall any further for this guy and get hurt. It doesn't appear you would be happy with this kind of arrangement so best not to get into it.

Irish_Elect_Eng

If you want to move forward with him it has to be in a relationship that will work for both of you. Open relationships can work but only when both parties want the same things for the relationship at the same time. Even when they do work in general they are short term as peoples needs change.

Big Bag of Chips

He's already in a relationship, so he's not available to be in a full-time relationship with you. He's in a full-time (open) relationship with his gf. That's the priority relationship and if anything were to become awkward for everyone that would be the relationship that would be saved at the expense of his other relationship(s).

An open relationship obviously works for them, but it doesn't work for you as the part-timer. Time to move on.

ast245543

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

He's already in a relationship, so he's not available to be in a full-time relationship with you. He's in a full-time (open) relationship with his gf. That's the priority relationship and if anything were to become awkward for everyone that would be the relationship that would be saved at the expense of his other relationship(s).

An open relationship obviously works for them, but it doesn't work for you as the part-timer. Time to move on.

I think I know it's not for me deep down, I just enjoy his company and hoped keeping it casual would work

SouthernBelle

ast245543 wrote: »

I think I know it's not for me deep down, I just enjoy his company and hoped keeping it casual would work

How would you feel if you were walking down the street / out for the night, and bumped into him wrapped around girlfriend #1? I know I wouldn't like it.

ast245543

SouthernBelle wrote: »

How would you feel if you were walking down the street / out for the night, and bumped into him wrapped around girlfriend #1? I know I wouldn't like it.

I don't think I'd love it but I'm also talking to/seeing other people. I'm just confused as to weather my feelings for him are a sign I should stop or are people really capable of loving or liking more than one person.

dellas1979

Don't be going off in your head now idealising this man (dreaming he is something he is not).

If its not for you, its not for you, and you cant change that.

At most, maybe explain you enjoy his company (and like him), but due to his situation, its not for you. And in time, when you less fancy him/are tempted, there could be a shot at a friendship.

Ursus Horribilis

ast245543 wrote: »

I don't think I'd love it but I'm also talking to/seeing other people. I'm just confused as to whether my feelings for him are a sign I should stop or are people really capable of loving or liking more than one person.

I wouldn't like to speculate as to what's going on your head and what ideological ideas you're turning around in there. What seems clear is that you aren't happy with "sharing" this guy. So perhaps it's best to let this guy go and figure out what it is you want elsewhere.

PressRun

Open relationships are not for everyone and I think they can only work if everyone involved is on the same page. It doesn't sound like you are on his page. It sounds like you want something exclusive. That's not what you're going to get here. By being in an open relationship, you will be secondary. You could potentially even be further down the pecking order if there are other women too. What's clear is that his girlfriend will come first and will be his priority. If they decide to close the open end of the relationship, it will likely be you who will be cut loose. You say you don't want to get hurt, but you would be setting yourself up to be if you embark on a relationship that you admit you wouldn't be entirely comfortable with.

ast245543

PressRun wrote: »

Open relationships are not for everyone and I think they can only work if everyone involved is on the same page. It doesn't sound like you are on his page. It sounds like you want something exclusive. That's not what you're going to get here. By being in an open relationship, you will be secondary. You could potentially even be further down the pecking order if there are other women too. What's clear is that his girlfriend will come first and will be his priority. If they decide to close the open end of the relationship, it will likely be you who will be cut loose. You say you don't want to get hurt, but you would be setting yourself up to be if you embark on a relationship that you admit you wouldn't be entirely comfortable with.

I'm not saying I want to be exclusive but I understand what you're saying

ast245543

I'll clarify the situation. He's dating me and another girl, with a primary partner too (his girlfriend) I'm also seeing other guys. What I'm confused about/ having difficulties over is that I'm starting to really like him and I'm afraid I may get hurt. Obviously his girlfriend's needs are a priority so it's possible we could have to end that way. However, I'm curious if people who are or were new to poly could give me advice about their experiences.

Big Bag of Chips

ast245543 wrote: »

I just enjoy his company and hoped keeping it casual would work

ast245543 wrote: »

What I'm confused about/ having difficulties over is that I'm starting to really like him and I'm afraid I may get hurt...... However, I'm curious if people who are or were new to poly could give me advice about their experiences.

I think it doesn't really matter about other people's experiences. The fact is it's beginning to not work out for you. If you could keep it casual and not fall for him then perhaps it could work for another while. But the fact is, you are developing deeper feelings and are finding it difficult to keep it casual. So it's not going to work out.

I'm sure he has agreed rules with his gf, and they might include not becoming emotionally involved with someone, or to get out before feelings develop. I don't know if/how it would work of he had 3 gfs and had feelings for all 3. Maybe it would work, but I can only imagine it getting messy. 3 women, all having feelings for him, all waiting for their "turn"? Not being able to make concrete plans because maybe one of his other gfs (higher up the pecking order) will have something planned with him?

Keeping it casual, meeting up occasionally, having a fwb set up is fine.... Until someone starts needing more. He is not available to give you more.

silverharp

honestly op if you have any self respect walk away. I cant see how you would look back on this relationship with any pride. people going around giving labels to things like "poly" doesn't enhance what you are putting up with.

Glitter

silverharp wrote: »

honestly op if you have any self respect walk away. I cant see how you would look back on this relationship with any pride. people going around giving labels to things like "poly" doesn't enhance what you are putting up with.

Polyamoury is a real thing.

OP, I think you should do some research if you think this is a lifestyle that would be appealing to you in the long term. There are resources all over the web.
If you are trying to shoehorn yourself into poly just because of this one guy though, it probably isn't for you.

I know one or two couples who are/were poly in real life but I don't delve too deeply into their exact arrangements. From observation though, the ones that function best are the ones where they practice it, to a greater or lesser degree, as a couple, ie new partners are usually involved at least somewhat somewhat with both primary parties. As opposed to an "open relationship" situation where both partners just go off and have other lovers that the other partner never meets / interacts with. None of the poly people I know have ever gone as far as having any secondary lovers graduate to the stage of living with them or anything so I can't speak to that.

Speaking for myself, I could never hack it. I'm a jealous witch , and it would eat me alive inside if I thought my wife wanted to be with anyone else in any way!

But it does happily work for plenty of people, with a huge amount of open communication and negotiation.

silverharp

Glitter wrote: »

Polyamoury is a real thing.

:pac: I didn't say it wasn't real, people do it so its real , on the face of it though the OP appears to be more like a prop in the whole setup

ast245543

silverharp wrote: »

:pac: I didn't say it wasn't real, people do it so its real , on the face of it though the OP appears to be more like a prop in the whole setup

Can you clarify what makes me seem like a prop?

silverharp

ast245543 wrote: »

Can you clarify what makes me seem like a prop?

in the sense that he isn't emotionally invested in you, he has his gf and you are simply a disposable "actor" in his cast of characters. if you see it differently that's fine but my view is you are getting the short end of the stick and you should seek a relationship on more equal terms.

batmanrobin

Forget about him for second.

What are you looking for from dating in general? Are you happy to date lots of different people and keep them all casual? Are you hoping to find someone to share your life with?

If you're hoping for a serious relationship then I think you know this guy isn't going to be it. So I wouldn't get too hung up on him - honestly, I wouldn't continue with him.

If you're happy to date but don't want to share, then again, end it with this guy and just stick to going on dates with people.

Know what you actually want. Not much point wasting time or emotions on someone who is not available to you.

Augme

This forum isn't a great place to get advice on this issue as most people just wouldn't get poly/open relationships or understand what it's like to enter the lifestyle. You'd be better of finding poly dedicated forums and getting views from people who have done this. I've not done it myself but know a few people who have. Feelings of nerves or apprehension about the whole situation is perfectly normal. Especially when you are doing something that is very outside the norm, the added worry of the stigma attached to that doesn't help.

Like batmanrobin said, you need to figure out what you want from dating/relationships. Other people can't tell you that. The fact is when dealing with love you'll most likely end up getting hurt and having your heart broken. This happens to nearly everyone, whether they are monogamous or poly.

ast245543

Augme wrote: »

This forum isn't a great place to get advice on this issue as most people just wouldn't get poly/open relationships or understand what it's like to enter the lifestyle. You'd be better of finding poly dedicated forums and getting views from people who have done this. I've not done it myself but know a few people who have. Feelings of nerves or apprehension about the whole situation is perfectly normal. Especially when you are doing something that is very outside the norm, the added worry of the stigma attached to that doesn't help.

Like batmanrobin said, you need to figure out what you want from dating/relationships. Other people can't tell you that. The fact is when dealing with love you'll most likely end up getting hurt and having your heart broken. This happens to nearly everyone, whether they are monogamous or poly.

Thank you. I suppose I need to have a think about what I actually want from him. My sudden burst of feelings scared me since it's normally an indication I'm falling for someone. Any friends I have asked so far have told me to end it. I'm very confused!!

Ursus Horribilis

ast245543 wrote: »

Thank you. I suppose I need to have a think about what I actually want from him. My sudden burst of feelings scared me since it's normally an indication I'm falling for someone. Any friends I have asked so far have told me to end it. I'm very confused!!

I think you should too because you're going to be hurt (more). You seem to be confused as to what it is you want in general.

To date, what has your track record been like in relationships? Have you always been monogamous? Why are you asking questions about open relationships? Is it because you like this guy and you're trying to talk yourself into something you're not just so that you can have him in your life?

I wouldn't even pretend to know what an open relationship is like. I know they're not for me. I have experienced the keeping it casual thing. That really meant that either of us weren't really that pushed and were treading water until someone better came along.

ast245543

I've always been in monogomus relationships, my last one lasted 5 years. It would be nice to keep it light I guess. We met online so I knew he was poly before we even met in person, he seemed interesting so I said feck it! I've been single for two and a half years (dating but with no success) Maybe that's part of my mixed feelings. I'm going to think it over. Logically, I'd like to keep it casual but it's new territory and like I said I'm starting to really like him

Ursus Horribilis

ast245543 wrote: »

I've always been in monogomus relationships, my last one lasted 5 years. It would be nice to keep it light I guess. We met online so I knew he was poly before we even met in person, he seemed interesting so I said feck it! I've been single for two and a half years (dating but with no success) Maybe that's part of my mixed feelings. I'm going to think it over. Logically, I'd like to keep it casual but it's new territory and like I said I'm starting to really like him

Logic and the heart are worlds apart. I think you should stop being logical and listen to what your heart's telling you. You really like this guy and you feel you're starting to fall for him. Only he's not available to you in the way I believe you want him to be. You're going to get hurt no matter how this pans out. I think you should rip off that plaster now.

ast245543

I'm not expecting anything of him commitment wise. I'm apprehensive that I might in the future

Ursus Horribilis

ast245543 wrote: »

I'm not expecting anything of him commitment wise. I'm apprehensive that I might in the future

The Future may be far closer than you want to admit. ..

LegacyUser

Thing is, if you start to like-like him, you're in big trouble.

He's currently going out with one woman, but shagging two others. The dude doesnt have a lot of spare time. But one things for sure, all his domestic energy is focused on his girlfriend. She's the one he makes future plans with, she's the one he wants to go on holiday with, shes the one he goes to Dunnes with and argues about sheets with, shes the one whose family he knows.

You're not going to get any of that. You're going to get drinks and a shag. He may give you deep and meaningful conversation over drinks but lets be honest, thats normal. We all get deep and meaningful in the pub. But when he gets a worrying mole on his back, its the girlfriend who's going to be asked to look at it for him! Not you! She is at a whole other level of intimacy than he intends you to ever be.

Thats grand for a short term thing, or even a situation where you rarely see each other and want to use each other to burn off a bit of sexual tension.

But its not a "relationship".

So if you want any kind of thing that isnt just deep and meaningful bollox over drinks, then its not for you.

pinkyx

OP I don't think this sounds like a good idea for you at all. If you are starting to really like him then I would definitely end this, your feelings are likely to get stronger and then you will be in for a world of pain when he eventually let's you go in favour of his current girlfriend's needs/ finds someone else he wants to says on the side.

I do think open relationships can work for some people but often they end in tears and this is not right for you right now. If you only wanted a causal fling and weren't too bothered about him then maybe this would be ok for you but, be honest with yourself, this is not the case.

Emme

OP is your boyfriend living an openly polyamorous lifestyle or is he having an open relationship because it's good for him and his girlfriend is happy to put up with it? Polyamory can work but there has to be mutual respect all round. Some people are naturally polyamorous and can deal with multiple partners in a relationship, others aren't. You may not be polyamorous and there's nothing wrong with that. Polyamory is a lifestyle choice and you are either suited to it or you are not.

In some cases a man's secondary partners (can be male, female or TG) have other primary relationships and that can be with other men, women or TG people. Basically it's whatever works for them and it's all open and understood.

You don't seem to be getting much from your current arrangement (it doesn't merit being called a relationship). You'd get as much out of an active Tinder account as you are getting from your current arrangement. At best he's polyamorous, at worst his girlfriend is a doormat and he's sh@gging all around him.

If the situation doesn't suit you cut loose asap. Stay single for a while or find a guy who wants a proper relationship with YOU.

ast245543

Well... to be honest, everyone is assuming I'm not getting anything from it and he's just shagging around but we've had several dates. Every time is fun and we have a great laugh. Also, we haven't had sex. From what he's told me, his girlfriend can see who she likes. As I said, I'm dating other guys. I don't know exactly what I want but I'm not expecting a "proper relationship" What I do know is I've started to have feelings for him and I don't know what that means for me

Lavinia

ast245543 wrote: »

Well... to be honest, everyone is assuming I'm not getting anything from it and he's just shagging around but we've had several dates. Every time is fun and we have a great laugh. Also, we haven't had sex. From what he's told me, his girlfriend can see who she likes. As I said, I'm dating other guys. I don't know exactly what I want but I'm not expecting a "proper relationship" What I do know is I've started to have feelings for him and I don't know what that means for me

Well as first do not fool yourself that it will be easy

It can work, but are you ready?
I think it is a hard work, for this kind of relationship to become anything close to long term..

so just ask yourself what do you want. do you want to challenge yourself? to work on your jealousy? level of acceptance? opening of your heart to accept your lover's lovers?

do you want to experiment? nothing wrong with it. you can always try and see where it leads.

know you can always stop if it becomes too much.
hope you will be kind to yourself and your partner and all people involved with both of you.

Big Bag of Chips

Do you know the rules of his open relationship? He says his gf "is free to see" whomever she pleases. Is there a no sex rule? Is there a limit on the number of times/frequency they are allowed see other people? As in, is there a point where "seeing" someone else becomes "being in a relationship" with someone else? And do they have to stop short of that? Would you be able to go away for a weekend together?

You're only a month in. You are developing feelings. And you are questioning whether it can work or not. The only way you're going to know is if you ask him what are the conditions attached to your relationship and then you decide if that works for you.